September 2014 Horoscopes


Happy Birthday Virgo!  This September, emerge from the shadows and take your place in the limelight where you belong.  Before you step into the shine, check your outfit.  Honestly, you could do better.  While you’re at it, freshen the hair and face.  When all eyes turn your way this month, offer the best aesthetic version of yourself in return.  Most Virgo penny-pinchers can afford to spend a little on an upgrade.  The full moon on the 8th magnifies any weird energy percolating in your relationships.  To mitigate the frustration, move forward in some direction.  Recognize stagnation is the root problem.  While your passion is admirable Virgo, obsessive single-minded tendencies prevent you from making genuine connections with others.  Towards the end of the month, get your financial situation organized.  Build your life around what is important to you and funnel your resources accordingly.


The days before your birthday are the best time for quiet rest and solitude, Libra.  Relinquish as many responsibilities as possible the first three weeks of the September.  Your theme this month: No unnecessary pressure.  Remain as unscheduled as possible because Libras need plenty of naps and relaxation.  During this personal retreat, Libra may experience a series of unusual dreams.  What is your subconscious trying to tell you?  In between sleeps, get some fresh air and move your body which will help process your emotional backlog.  After a week of lounging, your space is a mess.  Use the energy boost of the full moon to tidy up.  Clean the floors.  You’ll feel better about your life.


September always feels very back-to-school which reflects the social tempo for Scorpio this month.  Even though light, airy, and introductory isn’t your favorite way to converse, the Sun in Virgo makes you especially chatty.  The first half of the month, you are especially attractive and dynamic.  You will feel the heat of attention.  Speak your truth compassionately.  Use your power for good not evil, Scorpio.  Get ready to spill your guts on the full moon (the 8th); you won’t be able to contain yourself.  A truthful confession of feeling will bring you two closer.  When Scorpio connects with someone of equal passion the union’s combustible.  Why fight the obvious lust?  Just keep in mind, this is a fertile time.


You’re one hard-working bitch in September, Sag.  Much of your valuable time and energy will go towards professional obligations.  Your loved ones will have to wait because Sags prioritize achievement over relationships this month.  To make it up to them, show your love by hosting a dinner for family and friends around full moon (8th).  Sags in baby-making mode revel in the fertility of the full moon.  Along with added charisma, Mars can bring a combative, aggressive edge to your personality.  Listen carefully to the subtle cues delivered in the subtext of conversations.  If you thoughtlessly overstep, you won’t get away with it this month.


If you can get away Capricorn – do it!  The first three weeks of September are perfect for a trip.  Spend the time away focusing on yourself.  Emerge from your travels with an optimistic perspective.  The full moon brings news that could shape the future.  The fallout could involve a sibling.  Nothing holds you back but your own self-doubt, and it is high time you silenced the negative self-talk.  If anyone is capable of achieving the unlikely, you are Capricorn, so untether your dreams.  Others respect you professionally because you are so reliable and consistent.  Keep every promise to protect that sterling reputation.


While intelligent, no one really ever accused you of being “too deep,” Aquarius.  You take in the big picture, but also tend to skim the surface.  In September, you’ll feel everything more intensely which leads to you to reconsider certain relationships and situations that have proved dissatisfying.  Jealousy isn’t really your thing, so if you experience such feelings consider them a red flag.  September’s great for real estate deals if you are thinking of purchasing property.  Use the energy of the full moon to make a professional change.  If you are dissatisfied no matter how much recognition you receive then you are in the wrong line of work.


In September, partnership plays paramount for Pisces.  You crave a true mate, someone who counterbalances the extremes of your personality.  Forming an alliance with an equally giving person will cultivate substantial security for you.  As a logical extension, some Pisces may consider cohabitation or marriage.  This could be a positive change as long as you remember inviting someone else in requires compromise.  The full moon brings a much needed dose of assertiveness to your personality.  Speak your truth unequivocally Pisces; abandon the need to please.


September provides a great opportunity to organize your life, Aries.  Remove physical clutter first which will give you room to think.  Clean up messy finances by paying off debt and simplifying expenses.  Minimize obligations and soften your schedule to the bare minimum.  You’ll be surprised how much you accomplish when you focus only on essentials.  Remember your health is most important, so examine your routines and cut out destructive patterns.  The full moon gives you the courage to let go of unhealthy emotional attachments.


Taurus enjoys a super sexy and fertile September.  This month you’re all about a good time and you do your best to coax a party out of every place you go.  Channel dramatic feelings into your personal styling choices and not into your relationships.  The full moon makes you the most popular of all, so you might as well take advantage of the positive energy with a ton of social engagements.  Get the gang together!  Flirt with strangers.  Your best impression is when you are most yourself.  Toward the end of the month, implement strategies in areas where you would like to see improvement.  With six months of commitment, you’ll see results.


Nourish yourself and nurture loved ones in September, Gemini.   Enjoy visits with family and friends.  More emotional than usual, you may get a little weepy.  Experience your feelings without judgment and with a healthy dose of compassion.  Get your home organized and tidy for the change of season.  Stock your fridge with healthy foods.  The full moon on the 8th bestows professional benefits on Gemini.  After three weeks of sofa surfing, you’ll be ready to get out and flirt towards the end of September.  If you fancy someone, show it.


Cancer is especially chatty this September – and for you that’s saying something!  This boost of quality communication benefits work, family, and relationships.  This type of energy needs an external outlet, so fill your days with spontaneity and an assortment of fun diversions.  If you feel a bit overwhelmed at moments, just remind yourself that this is but a temporary frenzy.  On the eighth, the full moon brings travel lust.  If you can’t get away, fuck a foreigner.


Earn your keep in September, Leo.  Work super hard to replenish your finances.  Savings are critical to your long-term success and ability to take risks.  Start with prioritizing what is most important.  Protect and nourish those aspects.  You won’t have the patience for draining people this month.  Just ignore them and they will go away.  Spend free time with fun folks in undemanding situations.  The full moon supports deep bonding with your partner.  Enjoy the best sex of the year and the flood of emotion that follows.

man buns


Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: worry-making

CATHY COMICI know this woman as a friendly acquaintance.  I’ve posted about her before awhile ago.  She’s like a human Cathy Comic.  I liked her though.  I think she’s smart, funny, well-meaning, and enjoyable in small doses.   I’ve extended a number of invitations to her over the last year.  Several months ago, she just stopped responding.  I’m the last holdout on the fucking Facebook, but other friends tried to contact her though her page.  She never responded, despite her FB page showing recent updated activity.  She’s a single woman living alone on my side of town.  Therefore, it’s partially my responsibility to make sure she didn’t die alone, and her cat wasn’t gnawing off her three-day-dead face.  After multiple attempted contacts from a number of sources, finally a co-worker confirmed that Cathy Comic is fine.  No illness.  No tragedy.  Just chronic unresponsiveness.  Well fuck you human Cathy Comic.  Do you know how rude it is to make people worry?  Cathy Comic must be so flush with friends that she doesn’t need any more thoughtful people to care about her.  Well it’s a good thing because I won’t be wasting a moment more of my concern.  I’m recycling that friendship like yesterday’s newspaper.  And don’t come calling when he dumps you.  I don’t want to hear it.  CATHY COMIC BEDIf you are late, call.  If people express concern, respond.  Remember that pit of anxiety that forms when you are worried about someone you love.  Don’t ever recklessly give another that feeling due to your own thoughtlessness and irresponsibility.  It’s fucking rude, and it makes you unworthy of the concern.BYE CATHY


Ugh, sucralose.

SPENDA CONTAINMENT TEAMI should have read more closely.  I consider myself a good label reader, but I was willfully blind to the sucralose buried in the thicket of ingredients comprising Kirkland Sparking Flavored Water.  Sucralose = Splenda.  It wasn’t my intention to trade one artificial sweetener addiction for another.  Apologies if my hasty and overly enthusiastic post led you astray.  The quest continues…KIRKLAND SIGNATURE SPARKLING FLAVORED WATER

tinted lashes


I went in for my regular dermaplaning and added an eyelash tint yesterday.   The tinting costs $25 bucks – or the equivalent of luxury mascara – I rationalize.  I know eyelash extensions are all the rage.  I admit they look glamorous, but I know myself well enough to understand anything adhered to my body with tough bond adhesive would drive me bonkers.  Lash tinting enhances lashes without the damage, expense, irritation, drama, or commitment of extensions.


Tinting allows you to wake up with jet black lashes minus the morning after under-eye smudging.  Those with fair or sparse lashes will love the effect of tinting + mascara.  Lazy bitches can skip the mascara completely while still enjoying a flutter of dark lashes.  Supposedly, the tint lasts around 30 days.  If my lashes do indeed remain dark for a full month, I will add tinting to my regular beauty routine.  While the results are subtle, tinting creates an alluring pop of definition around the eyes.LASH TINT B AND AF

The process only takes 15 minutes.  The tricky part is keeping the dye off the skin.  Use an appropriate barrier cream.  The dye didn’t burn or get in my eyes.  I haven’t suffered any irritation or adverse reaction.  Common sense requires you to ensure you aren’t allergic to the dye before applying it around your eyes.  Because somebody should have their eyes on what is happening, I recommend professional application, or at a minimum, recruit a careful friend to help.  LASH TINT DYEMoron Warning: Most of you aren’t idiots, but for the few of you that are, don’t repurpose your hair dye for eyelash tinting.  You need a product safe and specifically formulated for the eye, dipshit.


Million Dollar Listing L.A.: edith flagg forever


Just a few days ago, our beloved Edith Flagg passed on to the polyester-lined afterlife at the age of 94.  Edith Flagg survived the Holocaust, made a mint importing synthetic fabric, and enjoyed an especially close relationship with her grandson Josh Flagg.  She sprinkled wisdom, love, and humor throughout the show and stole every scene she shot.  I only knew you through the TV Grandma Edith, but I will miss you.  We all wish we had a grandma like you.  Baruch dayan emet.JOSH-FLAGG-AND-GRANDMA-EDITHHEATHER AND MADISON

Josh Altman’s fiance Heather Bilyeu really fucked up her face.  Nose job, fillers, Botox, does the girl think she’s a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills?  Straight up, she looks older, faker, and weirder, not younger and more beautiful.  Heather’s gone Heidi Montag.  Gross.  I’ve always gotten such a desperate fame-seeking impression of her anyway, and now I can’t even look at her creepy immobile face.


I don’t like the new British guys.  I miss Madison, and I really, really, really, miss The Chad.



a big heartfelt hug

HUGSMy friend had the worst day of her life today.  She suffered a life-altering loss.  I’m not there to hug her.  We live 1400 miles apart.  I have to hug her here.  She’s a loyal reader.  Send a little love to our girl today.  She needs it.  I available to you, call me anytime.  Anything you need.  I love you and I understand.  FRIEND HUG


Cookie Butter fueled

TJ SPECULOOS COOKIE BUTTERSHope you had a great weekend lovelies.  3 shows in 3 days + massive weekend work demands = one exhausted little dove.  I’m fueled by bananas and Trader Joe’s Speculoos Cookie Butter - a truly crackish combo.  I’m awfully thrilled to welcome best pal KB back to town along with her partner.  She’s a super smart lady and an exceptional friend.  I look forward to all the trouble we can get into now they we’re geographically proximate.ROMY AND MICHELEI’ve only tinted my eyelashes once seven years ago, but I’m going to try again this Friday.  Loyal readers understand my personal beauty holy grail involves continually dark lashes without pesky under-eye mascara smudges.


My recent banking fiasco motivated a change in financial institutions.  When the new credit union ran my credit the astonished banker said it was refreshing to see such a high credit score.  To celebrate my fiscal responsibility I went shopping.  In a moment of magical, mystical, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants shit, I found not one, but new three pairs of jeans.  Not only did I find an unlikely triad of sexual jeans (Rag & Bone, Current/Elliott, Vigoss), but they were buy 1 get 2 free.  Grateful to the Denim Gods.KHLOE RAG & BONE

Mung bean sprouts remedy constipation.  Moving along…



I’m watchingk the Hills


MTV has been running morning bingewatch seshes of The Hills every weekday and since there’s nothing like 2006, I’ve been unable to withstand the draw of these vapid bitches.  Can someone please inform Whitney Port there is no “k” at the end of “ing.”  Listen to her.  “Lauren, where are you goingk?” and “Oh my God, that was so embarassingk!”

WHITNEY PORT KAlso, I’ve spotted 2006 versions of Taylor Armstrong, Kourtney Kardashian and Tom Sandoval (from Vanderpump Rules) in The Hills background.  Watching this show years later is like a fun game of spot the desperate social-climbing fame-seeker!TAYLOR ARMSTRONG THE HILLS