As you already know, Bethenny’s got a new book out called I Suck at Relationships So You Don’t Have To: 10 Rules for Not Screwing Up Your Happily Ever After. Let me ask you this, would you trust a cookbook written by someone who can’t cook? No? Well then don’t bother with this overindulgent mess of a relationship advice book. Bethenny has no business giving advice on the topic of relationships. She’s destroyed or failed to maintain virtually every relationship in her life – parents, friends, and lovers. It’s not like she’s been through it and come out the other side healthy and healed. Bethenny’s still duking it out in court with her opportunist of a soon-to-be ex-husband. Most of the advice isn’t bad per se, it’s just self-evident and obvious. Examples include: make your own money; listen to your gut; and don’t waste time on relationships that are going nowhere. No shit, Skinnygirl.I wish she would have written on topics on which she is more qualified to pontificate. I’d rather read How to Bust Balls and Not Give a Shit, or Enjoy Your Wealth without Longing for a Man.Get yourself an accommodating cabana boy and quit your boofuckinghooing, Frankel.
You read it right. I quit Mary Jane. It has only been 7 days, but the first week is the hardest, right? (Fuck, I hope so.) I’ve been smoking grass for 20 years. I’ve had a hardcore daily habit for at least 10 years. Bong hits for breakfast; bong hits for lunch; bong hits before bed; that was the routine for a decade. Since I was a high-functioning addict, I managed to graduate university and law school with high honors, and pass the bar on the first try. I was able to hold down professional jobs stoned. Nobody knew or they didn’t care. I’ve driven everywhere stoned. I’ve engaged with parents, professors, bosses, and law enforcement high. During virtually all my interactions with friends and lovers, I’ve been under the influence of our green leafy friend.While universally supportive, the first response most of my friends had when I told them I quit was, “why?” I found this question interesting, since my friends know gawddam well that I’m probably the biggest fucking stoner they know. Isn’t it obvious why? Let’s start with the sharp pain in my ribs that felt even more intense and persistent after a day pulling tubes. The wheeze I developed with a quick intake of breath was certainly cause for concern. Top it off with a tight uncomfortable choking feeling around my throat and thyroid. Physically, my body has been saying “stop” for some time. Well, enough is enough. I’m a grown-ass woman. Beyond the physical ramifications, I don’t want to be enslaved or addicted to anything. Addiction robs you of freedom and self-control. Whether I’d like to admit it or not, many of my decisions were motivated by a desire to serve my addiction. What a waste of time, energy, and money.I ain’t gonna front like it has been easy. This week, I’ve been a really big bitch. My fuse is short. I’m impatient. I’m annoyed. That’s because I’m having to cope with those unpleasant feelings I’ve been avoiding for the past 20 years. Sleeplessness, mental confusion, and lack of appetite haven’t helped my mood. I’m sweat detoxing and stink. It’s really not a good look – except for those 5 lbs I’ve lost just in time for my trip to Grand Cayman.Look, my ex would get really sanctimonious and judgmental every time he quit weed, and then like clockwork three months later he’d be asking me for the bong. I’m not about that hypocritical bullshit. What you do with your body and your life is your business. However, if you are contemplating a change in your life – whether it be smoking, drinking, eating, or whatever your addiction, I encourage you to get a hold of the situation. While difficult, it isn’t as hard as you think. All rationalizations and expensive rehabs aside, for most (who don’t require medical supervision to detox, eehhm alcohol and benzos) it really just boils down to a decision to quit. Quitting requires courage, fortitude, and commitment, but once you do, you’ll not only be free of your addiction, you will know what you are made of for the rest of your life.
Call ’em biscuit heels (™ MWY). Call it flip-flop feet. Dry, cracked, nasty-ass feet are unacceptable. There are numerous foot creams on the market, but I haven’t found one that has the power to truly remove thick callouses. Momentary softening, maybe, but true dead skin removal requires a more powerful product. I don’t like going to get professional pedicures. I think it’s gross. Pedicures make me uncomfortable, and I don’t really like nail polish. I certainly would never let a pedicurist razor my callouses off in such an unhygienic environment. We’ve all heard the horror stories of fungus and worse that you can contract from pedicure tubs. What is a flaky footed fucker to do?
Procure a high-grade glycolic peel designed for the face and apply it to your feet. Try Skin Obsession 30% Glycolic Acid Chemical Peel. Now, if you use this stuff on your face you might burn, redden, and subsequently peel. The effects are less drastic, but still meaningful on the feet. Make sure your feet are clean. Do a test patch. Don’t accidentally get it in your eyes. Have a baking soda and water mix handy should you need to neutralize. Soak a cotton pad in the acid and thoroughly wipe the bottom of your clean feet before bed. Concentrate on areas of thicker skin. I don’t even feel a tingle when I apply 30% glycolic acid solution to my feet, so I don’t bother neutralizing. If you feel burning you may want to use the baking water and soda to return the normal PH of your skin. Use your judgement. This shouldn’t hurt. It will remove those stubborn callouses like nothing else I have found. Keep the biscuits at the Cracker Barrel, ya’ll.
Douche dudes work out in beanies. You might as well wear a t-shirt that says “I’m bald.” Remove the beanie, douche.
Douche dudes over train glamour muscles like biceps and under train functional strength like core. Great, you can bench 350, but you can’t hold plank for one minute; you fucking weak-ass douche.Douche dudes grunt, slam weights, and engage in other attention-seeking behavior. We don’t think you look strong, we think you sound dumb.Douche dudes sit on workout machines and text. Granted, workout machines are fucking useless and should be avoided, but they aren’t fucking bar stools, douche.Douche dudes swing their dick and nuts around when they should be contained in an appropriate garment. If I can see the outline of the head of your peen through your shorts than you are a douche.Douche dudes stand around in the locker room naked. Put your clothes on, douche.Douche dudes drink protein shakes all day as if their job sitting on their ass selling insurance requires the physical stamina of erecting the Pyramids of Giza by hand.
Dear Demeter Clarc,
There is an interesting opportunity for me to leave my current position and take a very big risk to purchase a small hotel in the mountains. My boyfriend and I have quit our jobs and are prepared to move out of the city to take on this new challenge. The owner of the motel is old and burnt out. He’s ready to retire. He’s bending over backwards to help us secure financing. We have never run a motel before or any business for that matter. Are we crazy to uproot our lives for this unique opportunity?
Dear Mizz Newhart,
May I first congratulate you on your courageous spirit of adventure?! I’m all for calculated risks. Agree to run the motel for a year. See if you and your boyfriend like the lifestyle and responsibility before you commit. There’s no need to go ballsdeep in financial risk when you don’t even know if running the motel is a sustainable and enjoyable choice for you both. Since the owner is desperate to unload the property (a red flag, btw), when negotiating a year-long management deal write in a right of first refusal, so you get the first option to buy the place should somebody else come sniffing around. During this year, you will learn all the “inns” and outs which will allow you to make an educated decision about investing your money and taking on a major mortgage. After a year of hard work at the motel, you’ll discern whether the arrangement is both feasible and sufficiently rewarding enough for you both to commit to this project long-term.
Those lucky ducks who receive fatty refunds filed as soon as you got your W2. Those of us who have to pay up come tax time aren’t in any rush. Well, there’s no more time for dicking around. Tomorrow is the day. Avoid Turbo Tax. Some states aren’t accepting the e-filings from Turbo Tax due to wide-scale fraud perpetrated using the software to file fake returns. I asked an accountant friend which program he used, and he recommended freetaxusa.com. It works just like Turbotax – by prompting you with a series of inquires and totaling your refund or payment as you go, but it costs much less and is a easier to use. Currently through Ebates, you can get 25% cash back on your freetaxusa.com purchase as well as a 10% off coupon to apply to the state filing charge of $12.95. With applicable discounts, you can get your taxes done quickly and efficiently for about $10. And if you are wondering if it is just too hard, I have employee wages, independent contractor income requiring a schedule C, investment earnings and losses, and a number of business write offs. Even with all those complicating factors, I was still able to complete the assignment in less than 2 hours. It’s not too late procrastinators.
I’ve reflected on how to comment on the return of Bethenny Frankel to the Real Housewives of New York. Most of us hold Mizz Frankel in ambivalence and can all generally agree that last season of RHNY sucked pinot. Therefore her return is in many ways much welcomed. In response to her comeback episode, “Poor Little Rich Girl” has been the standard refrain from both mainstream and independent media. Certainly, I get why the shrill multimillionaire appears unsympathetic to most. She’s rich as fuck and skinny as fuck and those two qualities together are just too much good fortunate for most people to swallow without a bitter chaser of jealousy. I understand her frustration. I wouldn’t want my ex living in apartment I paid for, gutted, and designed to my specific taste. However, I would have the good sense not to ball my eyes out to Fredrik Eklund on national television over the private matter. I guess that what makes me discreet and Bethenny good television. Vast personal fortune notwithstanding, doesn’t she seem desperately lonely? The only people around her she either gave birth to or are on the payroll. During her dizzying ascent, she’s alienated nearly everyone. Furthermore, it’s tragic she’s recreating the same chaos in her daughter’s life that she experienced as a kid. And even though she has no business giving advice on relationships, I’ll still probably read her dumb new book out of pure curiosity. That’s the magic of Bethenny. Love her or hate her, we’re always interested in her next move (to SoHo when the renovations are complete).
Happy Birthday Aries! You are the initiator and where the astrological cycle begins. It all starts with you, Aries, and now the Sun has come to light your very best angles. With the spark of the Sun catching you fire, there isn’t anything you can’t accomplish this month. Swagger into work. Set that start-up into motion. On the 4th of the month, we get the change-forcing energy of an eclipse. For you Aries, this energetic reckoning manifests in your relationship sector. The eclipse will either nudge you together or launch you into different orbits. Why fight what is inevitable? Tension brews between your professional obligations and your personal desires for freedom. Who are you beyond your occupation? Right now, you feel like a foot soldier in someone else’s army, when your true destiny is to lead your own brigade.
A yearly tradition of a spa week in April would be a beautiful gift to yourself, Taurus. Even if you can’t literally slip away into a tub of mud, self-spa whenever possible this month. Chow on the first wave of organic spring vegetables. Slip crisp white linens on your bed. Artistic endeavors feel good in April; dance, sing, paint, crochet. Create an offering. The eclipse of the 4th triggers a manic cleaning spree not a minute too soon. A clean home streamlines your life, Taurus. April isn’t going to be easy interpersonally. Relationships suffer the strain of some tense celestial standoffs. Bulls are usually the stubborn ones, but this month others will test your resolve.
You’ll be even more addicted to your FB page in super social April, Gemini. You can’t wait to connect with your friends and celebrate spring with a few rounds of cocktails on the lanai. At work, always the smarty, Gemini enjoys problem solving with new colleagues. The eclipse on the 4th influences your romance realm. If you are alone, you might find yourself together. If you are together, you may find yourself suddenly alone. Eclipses force change, so expect a palpable shift. Romance, friendships, and your sense of stability compete for attention in April. Everybody has an agenda. Your tendency to slow down and retreat may come in handy towards the end of the month when you’ll need some much needed grounding.
All aboard the train to your professional destiny, Cancer! This train has several stops, so you should invest in the sleeper car and settle in for the long haul. The first depot houses your accumulated career accomplishments. A moment to grandstand in the cacophony of accolades won’t hurt. The 4th’s eclipse causes drama in ladytown. Conflict ignites with a close female friend or relative, and neither of you much feels like compromising. After some retroactivity in your career section, April 8th eliminates that resistance you’ve been experiencing and professional matters progress in a profitable fashion. If you find yourself annoyed with other people this month, you are the one who is actually annoying.
Spring Break, anyone? You are ready to get the fuck out of dodge for some much needed rest in a far-flung locale, Leo. April’s all about big risks and big rewards for you. The 4th offers an eclipse which inspires change on the homefront. Perhaps a reworking of your interior is in order? Your mind and body are at odds this month. Your deep need for self-expression manifests in a few awkward moments in April. Leo struggles between needing to shut the fuck up and needing to scream from the roof tops. In all your interactions, consider a happy medium between shouting and silence in the form of clear and assertive commentary.
Virginal what? You’re a dirty slut this month, Virgo. How fun! Just teasing you Virgo, it isn’t sluttery that interests you but, deep, total, and complete merger on every satisfying level. You’ve put a significant amount of thought into how you want your life to look though you doubt your ability to execute your dreams on your own terms. Hogwash. You don’t need deep pockets or any seal of approval to move forward on shaping a visionary life, Virgo. The eclipse of the 4th influences your finances with sudden epiphanies about work and the best use of your talents. Listen Virgo, you know you can be a real dick at times. This April nobody has the patience to deal with your ornery bullshit.
April provides a great opportunity to evaluate your primary partner, Libra. Are you getting what you need out of this relationship whether personal or professional? April amplifies any imbalances in this relationship making the unequal efforts painfully clear. The eclipse on the 4th challenges your sense of personal independence. Have you been so consumed with painting a pretty picture of your life that you neglected to assert your needs? Libra struggles among the competing forces of self, primary relationship and family. This month, nobody seems to keen to compromise, but that doesn’t mean it is your obligation to give in to unreasonable demands.
Among your myriad talents, practicality stands out as one of your most useful, Scorpio. In April, you apply your no-nonsense approach to organizing and streamlining every area of your life. Results-oriented accomplishments like completing your taxes, sorting stacks of paperwork, and clearing the clutter feel particularly satisfying to you now. The eclipse of the 4th presents an opportunity for healing. It may be time to let go of something, someone, a notion, or unrealistic idea. This month, Scorpio offers a grounding and calming influence to those coming undone. Don’t come unraveled yourself.
Spring fling, Sagittarius, April is all about fun for you! Start with an inspired shift in your appearance. Why not go really dramatic and start conversations? You still gotta deal with rigid-ass Saturn harnessing your glee, and this month the task-master planet goes retrograde. Keep up the diligent work you’ve been doing on yourself and you should survive with relatively few limitations on your festivities. Fortunately, Jupiter starts moving again and encourages you to expand your horizons – perhaps with a little travel? The eclipse on the 4th creates division in the team. It is up to you to pull all the uncompromising factions back together.
Snug up Capricorn, you don’t feel like doing much outside your home this April. Make your favorite meals. Hang with your favorite women. On the 4th, an eclipse influences your professional sphere. Eclipses are synonymous with abrupt change and a realignment of priorities. In the midst of the upheaval, turn to trusted male figures for guidance. There will be moments in April where it feels like every major area of your life is at odds from your personal identity to family and your career. If the situation becomes too pressured, flee for solitude where you can do you best thinking, sorting, and deciding.
Hey smarty! Aquarius thinks, writes, and communicates on a higher frequency this April. Your admirable quality output will be the envy office-wide. Apply any excess energy and verve to help those who could use a hand – particularly with writing like resumes and professional materials. April 4th’s eclipse has you asking deeper questions about the trajectory of your life. Does your day-to-day routine support your higher calling? If not, enroll in a program or shift your focus so that your daily activities support your larger mission. While others struggle with each other this month, your conflict is primarily a self-limiting internal chafe between your personal growth, subconscious beliefs, and intellect.
Your mind is on your money this April, Pisces. Your issue is spending, so get realistic about your income to outcome ratio. Part of the problem is your fondness for convenience and your tendency towards laziness. It’s easier to run to the corner store and buy one ice tea than hike it all the way to the bulk store for the best buy, but those hassle-lessening decisions are draining your bank account. A smidge of effort in planning your week and budget make major impacts on your bottom line. The eclipse of the 4th brings a reckoning to that new relationship in the form of an explosive conflict that only the strongest connections will survive. This epic battle exposes the unworthy – and this time it might be you that’s lacking.
I went to see the indie duo Sylvan Esso recently. I had weak expectations of the folk singer/EDM collabo, but these two found a way to fill up the stage and the sold-out venue despite their lean two-party operation. Amelia and Nick only have one eponymous record, so it was a quick and dirty performance. They had to dig deep for the encore. Nonetheless, the show was a delightful little treat. I’m sure these two will hit the festival circuit hard this summer, so catch a set if you get a chance.