I love you Leonard

MTV SLEDNECKSWhen I was in Vegas a few weeks ago, I got sucked into Slednecks, a reality show on MTV profiling the weather-beaten drunken youth of Alaska.  The doughy-ass boys aren’t cute, but they are endearing.  What’s the saying?  The odds are good, but the goods are odd.  You’d think with the Alaskan guy-to-girl ratio the girls would have some slimmer pickins.  For real, these dudes give whale blubber new meaning. TOSCA AND TREVOR SLEDNECKS Somehow most of the women remain bronzed, hard-bodied goddesses proving the technology of the spray tan has crept all the way to the Arctic Circle.  The women of Slednecks are fucking tough.  Like blow your couch up, crack a beer bottle over your head, push you down the stairs, knock you the fuck out tough.  All drunken shenanigans aside, the true treasure of the show is master boat-maker Leonard who dispenses old bear Alaskan wisdom like Yoda.  I love him.  I want to go to Alaska just so he can tell me I’m trouble.LEONARD SLEDNECKS

 

Trentemøller

ANDERS TRENTEMOLLERWent out for Trentemøller and it was like stepping into a total 1980’s New Wave Joy-Division-Depeche-Mode moment, a moment I was grateful to experience since I was barely old enough to remember the first time around.  Anders is touring with a band which I didn’t necessarily expect, but sure appreciated for the dimension it added to show.  The performance wasn’t pitch-perfect-polished, but it did organically build to ultimately bond the small (but devoted and mostly gay) audience.TRENTEMOLLER BAND

throw the baby shower out with the bath water

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN BABY SHOWERJust got back from a baby shower.  Said my Hellos.  I stayed 30 minutes because there was nothing for me at this party.  First, it was one of those invite the whole family type showers and I don’t have a kid or husband to reluctantly drag.  The mutual co-worker who was supposed to attend with me cancelled (ugh, 4th time in a row this bitch has bailed on concrete plans).  I showed up with my thick stack of Dr. Suess books elegantly wrapped.  I dropped the present off at the designated table occupied by several medium-sized gift bags.   I greeted the mom-to-be who was dressed in a tight, fuchsia, cotton, ruched tube dress.  She looked like a raspberry.  I told her as much, which in hindsight she may not have appreciated, but I love raspberries so I didn’t intend the comment pejoratively.  Dad-to-be and I chatted for awhile, but I noticed the side-eye of the older ladies when our conversation extended beyond 5 minutes of appropriate small talk.  Who is that predatory single woman circling the dad-in-waiting?  Please.  There are no secret yearnings.  Excuse the blatant bitchery, but if I wanted him I could have him a year ago when we first met and he was drooling all over himself.HOLLY MADISON BABY SHOWER

After I was done talking to the two guests of honor, I wandered around a little bit and introduced myself to a few other folks standing solo.  Nobody seemed very interested in small talk, and it’s not my strength anyway.  When in doubt, hit the buffet, right?  Well you already know that I refer to buffets at barffets and am never in the mood for a group feeding.  This spread was particularly bleak.  Two circular trays of Subway-style sandwiches of dubious origin and questionable content.  The fold-out tables lacked proper placards describing the menu.  Just down from the sandwich wheels where huge bowls of standard potato chips.  Why do people do this?  Put out enough potato chips to feed and army just to watch them soften into stale after the first hour.  Plate of pickles, ok, I get the nod to pregnancy cravings.   A couple of large bowls of mystery potato-salad glop remained untouched.  The beverage options included electric yellow “lemonade” and something that looked like soda.  Not a cupcake in sight.  Killing time with mindless eating would not be an option at this shindig.BABY BUMCAKES

The one activity provided for the children was butcher paper on the tables and crayons.  I made a doodle.  I met a couple kids.  I drank some neon lemonade.  Then I split.  There was nothing left for me.KROY KIM

To that end, if you want people to stay at your baby shower for more than the obligatory 30 minutes, consider the following:

1) With regard to length. 2 hours maximum.  This one was scheduled for a tedious 3.  I like the idea of a short and sweet 90 minutes.

2) Delicious food.  Lots of options.  Baked goods.  Simple non-dressed salads.  Fruit. Cheese. Crudites. Readily available sweets. Warm offerings.  Coffee. Tea. Iced Tea. Water.  I personally prefer an elegant seated brunch.JESSICA SIMPSON

3) Make introductions.  Reign in loners.  Ensure everyone feels included.WIZ AND AMBER

4) Create intimate seating arrangements to encourage eating, drinking, and conversation.EVEYLN LOZADA

5) Designate a separate (but within eyeshot/earshot of helicopter parents) fun space for the kids.MINNIE DRIVER

6) It’s fine if you aren’t into “baby games,” but do provide some sort of entertainment or fun.  Music. Dancing. Karaoke. Ice your own cupcake.  Whatever.  These activities start conversations and save people from dreaded awkward mingling.MINDY WEISS

7) Attentive hosting takes work, the preggo shouldn’t be hosting her own baby shower, but these two did it as a couple.  Designate a host devoted to socially lubricating the shower.  Mothers and mothers-in-law love this job.KRIS AND KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN

 

Admit Homeland Sux

HOMELAND SHARMA DANESIn general, the fall TV schedule has not wowed me with its genius, but this season of Homeland is downright offensive.  Was this show always so sexist and racist, and I was just too mesmerized by Claire’s windblown butterscotch layers to notice?  Seriously, put your hair in a ponytail once in awhile.  Bitch looks like she travels with Beyoncé’s wind machine.  More importantly, I hate that Carrie fucked to land an asset as if cooch-control it’s her only skill.  She’s supposed to be the head bitch in charge over there and she’s ranting around the office like a deranged lunatic even before the double dealer started fucking with her meds.  Are the racist depictions of Pakistani people not smacking you in the face?  To me, this… NUMAN ACAR

is as obviously racist

as this…BLACKFACE

Homeland = evil-ass propagandist show.

CARRIE HOMELAND

 

Rearrange

REARRANGEHow often do you rearrange your furniture?  I make subtle seasonal alterations.  I rotate the placement of the artwork.  I shifted a bookshelf out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.  I hung six floating shelves in three rooms and installed a five stack of heavy-duty custom shelves in the bathroom.  I pulled out the heavier blankets and switched up my bedding.  A little bit of change feels and looks really fresh. Even a minor rearrange provides a good opportunity to clean, sort, donate, discard, and display.  Furthermore, hefting around furniture isn’t bad exercise if you are cooped up in the claustrophobia of cold snap.   SQUIRREL MOVES

Adventures in Self-Dermaplaning

SURGICAL SCALPELLoyal readers know that after a few frustrating experiences, I abandoned my expensive monthly spa visits in favor of DIY at-home versions.  For my first self-dermaplaning, I ordered surgical scalpels, specifically Integra Miltex 4-421 Standard Sterile Surgical Scalpel, Size No. 21 (Pack of 10).  Next time, for more precision I’ll order a smaller size like a 15 or 18.SELF DERMAPLANEI watched the youtube videos.  I read the precautions and educated myself on the proper technique.  My first foray into self-dermaplaning didn’t go disastrously, but I did nick myself and draw blood three times.  It isn’t as dramatic as it sounds – think shaving cut – painless and gone tomorrow.  Dermaplaning requires patience and technique.  Lose the proper angle on the blade and bloodshed ensues.  For this reason, I can’t in good conscience recommend you try this at home.DERMAPLANINGI’ve been accidentally sliced by a rushing aesthetician, so I consider the risk differential between home and medi-spa negligible.  Therefore, I will continue to practice my self-dermaplaning technique.  Neophyte that I am, I still managed to turn out equal to better results to my last expensive spa visit.DERMAPLANING B & F

Feeling confused and ambivalent by this information?  I understand.  In sum, you can really slice yourself up with home dermaplaning, so it’s best left to the professionals.  That said, by taking every possible safety precaution, perfecting the proper technique, and exercising patience, it’s possible to achieve spa superior results at home.DERMAPLANE YOURSELF

score

REBECCA MINKOFF AZUMA FUSCHIAI treated myself to some sexy new Rebecca Minkoff Azuma heels for my moment with Wendy Williams in Vegas.  The shoes are gorgeous, but I don’t understand why these high-end shoe designers don’t consider tread.  These hot pink beauties are slippery as fuck. REBECCA MINKOFF AZUMA BOTTOMWith no traction, how does one avoid eating shit in the middle of the Venetian lobby?  Slice those bitches up.  And I’m not referring to the basic bitches who shared a bottle of body glitter in the elevator.  I mean the bottom of those expensive-ass shoes you just purchased.   Take a knife or sharp scissors and score several superficial cuts into the sole of the shoe.  It’s a runway trick and it works.  Nobody looks at the bottom of your shoes anyway.  Better to have a scratched sole than a busted ass, you feel me?CAM00942NAOMI WESTWOOD FALL

November 2014 Horoscopes

Scorpio

SCORPIO
Happy Birthday Scorpio!  Enough lurking in the shadows calculating your plan, assert yourself and put your strategy in play.  Enjoy the energetic emphasis on your sign this month and use the focus to make some serious headway on your personal fatty to-do list.  Don’t confuse selfishness with self-prioritizing.  Scorpios think they have great ideas for everybody else’s life, but that ain’t your biznass kid.  Turn that analytic eye into the looking glass and make a change.  Have you been rocking a signature look for eons like your Scorpio sister Anna Wintour?  Well it might just be time to rework that bob, girl.  To paraphrase Diane Von Furstenberg, become the woman you want to be even if you aren’t exactly sure what you want to do.  Craft your appearance and attitude to emit the perception you want to exude.  Scorpio stands to make great professional strides by materializing concrete plans, especially after the 22nd.  Scattered Scorpios pull it together by cutting the bullshit and prioritizing.

Sagittarius

SAG
November serves Sagittarius by providing a time for reconciliation, healing, and closure.  Theme on forgiveness; mend fences, and clear any lingering tension.  Use this time before your birthday to relax, rest, and restore.  Avoid pressured social situations.  Don’t feel any guilt about your non-committal attitude towards parties and engagements.  Evaluate your eating and overall physical wellness this month.  How do you feel?  What habits are weighing you down, literally and figuratively?  Depression-prone Sags experience a dip in mood and enthusiasm in November. Don’t confuse this totally normal seasonal valley with anything more sinister.  It will pass and soon you’ll be blowing out the candles on your birthday cake.

Capricorn

CAPRICORN
Capricorns experience a lift of enthusiasm this November.  Others welcome your upbeat spirit at gatherings.  Capricorns make a great first impression around the punch bowl.  Whatever your professional, social, or romantic overtures they will be well-received.  Much of your charm originates in your dry wit which always houses a generous dose of honesty.  Your truth-talking really dampens the panties.  Great sex is yours for the taking.  Mid-month, a wet blanket of a Debbie Downer tries to dim your shine.  Don’t let anyone drag you back into tarpits of pessimism.  Towards the end of November, tuck in for your annual pre-birthday reflection and respite.

Aquarius

AQUARIUS
Go get it Aquarius!  In November, your vision for long-term professional success matters most to you.  For sure, decide what you want and go after it hard in your Aquarian way, but also clean up the murkiness in your professional relationships.  Folks respond better when they know where they stand with you.  Expect a few and don’t get discouraged by “nos” before you hit that goldmine “yes.”  Work with women you love and respect to get your home in order.  It’s not that men can’t or shouldn’t clean, specifically this a time for your to surround yourself with feminine energy.  Freshen up your situation before the holidays, as you may end up hosting some impromptu gatherings.  All this womanly togetherness has you thinking… about a baby?  How would a child fit (if at all) into the life you’re building?

Pisces

PISCES
November will test you to stand up for yourself in a number of ways, Pisces.  Usually so easy-going, asserting yourself can feel downright foreign.  November challenges you to embrace your power without hesitation.  That feeling isn’t paranoia.  Someone is working against you.  Handle that bitch.  Implement simple structure to achieve professional success.  Strengthen your organization muscles.  You wouldn’t mind a trip, would you?  Now that we’re out of Mercury’s retrograde, it’s a less complicated time to travel.  Venture forth with confidence.  With your own ruler Neptune moving out of retrograde, the confusion lifts and you start to see everything more clearly.

Aries

ARIES
In November, you are obsessed with the love of your life, Aries.  Permanent decisions scare you less now.  You consider an engagement or professional merger.  All that work you’ve put in the last year finally blossoms into something tangible and credit-worthy.  Use the accomplishment as a barometer.  Are you proud of what you’ve achieved?  Do your values align with the investment of your energy?  If not, make a change.  You are prone to melancholia this month.  You can wallow in superficial ways for a day or two, and then get on with it.  Gloom doesn’t suit you.  Just in time for Thanksgiving and through most of mid-month, travel appeals to your adventurous streak.  Spend a few days with friends or family and a few days for yourself.

Taurus

TAURUS
Timely for the Thanksgiving holiday, you feel especially generous this November, Taurus.  You crave partnership, and partnership requires compromise – not exactly your strength.  Strike a balance between give and take.  Coupledom doesn’t require a forfeiture of your personal interests.  When you get in your favorite activities it relieves stress, and you are more fun to be around.  You are not alone in feeling depressed this month; many of your zodiac brethren suffer the same rut.  Experience the dimming, and then get right back to your typically optimistic nature.  Definitely don’t throw your relationship away over a fleeting dark mood.  Reject your tendency towards self-flagellation and self-criticism in favor of compassion.

Gemini

GEMINI
Get your life in order Gemini!  Organization is your theme this November.  You already have a keen eye for detail, but you get so mired down in the minutia you have trouble moving forward and clearing space.  Changing your ways requires self-discipline, but curbing your self-indulgent habits makes you a better human, so it’s worth a try.  Have you been wrapped in the wish of a person or idea that lives only in your imagination?  The first week of November allows you to put the unrealistic notion to rest and let go.  Gemini prefers solitude over thick crowds in November, but when you are alone you can easily slip into sadness.  Use this time constructively for finishing rather than initiating – you won’t have the ooomf to finish what you start this month.

Cancer

CANCER
Your old pals bold and sexy narrate your story in November, Cancer.  Accept every invitation, and enjoy every party.  Laugh loudly and without restraint.  You’ll meet new acquaintances with your friendly and engaging manner.  Tipple a little, but avoid getting drunk.  Not only could it lead to embarrassing (but funny) interludes, the hangovers could lure you into an late autumn depression.  The last few months have served up dramatic change.  Finally, you begin to hit a steady rhythm and can see your path clearly.  A cardinal sign, you’re already a great initiator.  November makes a great time for fresh starts and new projects.

Leo

BLAKE LIVELY
Leo temporarily morphs into Blake Lively this November and cares only for homespun sentiments and nostalgia.  You have the sudden urge to invite folks over for tea and feed them your signature snack.  Welcome this warm and homey side and enjoy relaxed entertaining.  On or near the 6th, a make-or-break moment happens in your career.  You’ll break through or you break out; either way you’ll be a happier Leo.  Zingy for the holidays, everyone welcomes your enthusiastic attitude at family gatherings.  If you are single, there are opportunities for love.  Leos interested in a baby, November is a favorable month for fertility.

Virgo

VIRGO
Easily bored, Virgo requires intellectual stimulation in November.  Surround yourself with big thinkers and life-long learners.  Your best moments this month are conversations of substance.  Generally speaking, Virgo prefers a full day, so pack as much in as you can, energy withstanding.  A wave of pessimism washes through the zodiac this month and you too could easily get swept away in a sad sea change.  More capable than most at reversing the frowns, lend a listening ear and ease the suffering of those around you.  When it comes to relationships, speak your truth kindly, but hold off on committing.

Libra

LIBRA
Financial concerns weigh heavily in November for Libra.  You vacillate between craving luxury and luxuriating in savings.  Feelings of depression, shame, and fear spring up around the topic of money.  You are the sign of balance, so spend a little, save a little.  Follow the advice of wise investors that you trust.  November heightens senses and experiences.  Food tastes better.  Sex goes deeper.  It’s not your usual approach to indulge, but when the going is good, why not?  Share your ideas and speak freely.  Direct and unequivocal communication plays an important part in the latter part of the month.  Remember that indecision is unattractive.

sorry for the delay, back Monday

Hey ya’ll, sorry for the delay. 

Horoscopes Monday. 

Thanks for your understanding. 

XoXo, DC