I don’t care if you’re in town

LUCILLE DOESN'T CAREAn ex-boyfriend from 18 years ago called my work twice yesterday looking for me.  He insisted on leaving his number with my assistants because he’s in my town for the weekend.  I haven’t talked to this kid in at least 10 years, and we didn’t part well.  I’m not sure what makes him think I want to see him.  He is very accessible on the internet, so if I wanted access to him I could have had it years ago.  I, on the other hand, go out of my way to keep a low profile.  I don’t have a Facebook page.  I clearly don’t want to be found.  I have no interest in catching up with random people who orbit my life with the infrequency of Halley’s Comet.  Furthermore, his approach to the situation tells me that his worst qualities have only ripened with age.  He’s obviously known for quite some time that he would be in town covering a particular event.  A courteous and thoughtful person would have sent an email with a little advance notice.  Instead, he called my place of employment multiple times in one day like some sort of crazed stalker and just assumed I’ll be elated to drop my packed schedule to accommodate his last minute demands.  Selfish much?  That’s why we broke up asshole.  Unfortunately, I’m going to the event on Saturday so there’s a chance we could run into each other….Ugh…I hate ex-boyfriend run-in paranoia.DON'T CALL ME

Spring 2015 RTW: Erdem

ERDEM SPRING 2015 RTW 1ERDEM SPRING 2015 RTW 2ERDEM SPRING 2015 RTW 3ERDEM SPRING 2015 RTW 4ERDEM SPRING 2015 RTW 5ERDEM SPRING 2015 RTW 6ERDEM SPRING 2015 RTW 7ERDEM SPRING 2015 RTW 8ERDEM SPRING 2015 RTW 9ERDEM SPRING 2015 RTW 10

Let’s Catch Up

SLACK ASS

Sorry I’ve been kinda slackass.  I met somebody interesting, and we’ve been spending time together.  You know how it goes, girl.

VIEW PREMIEREThe “new” View sux.  I’m disoriented by the set change.  Rosie O’Donnell’s gastric sleeve operation seems to have concentrated her already abrasive nature.  I used to like her.  Now, not so much.   Whoopi seems super unhappy.  She should have accepted the contract buyout allegedly offered by the network and split to less hostile pastures.  Rosie Perez served as the least annoying addition to the stage, but her talent is wasted in this format.  I haven’t bothered to learn the Republican’s name yet.  She wears her hair in a layered bob, so that’s all I need to know about her. ROSIESI’m keeping up with the Spring 2015 RTW collections, but many have disappointed.  Bodycon’s been trending out for awhile now, but for Spring 2015 it is gone.  There were a number of voluminous and oddly shaped garments parading down the runways.  I’m all for avant-garde, but clothing must flatter first.  Distilling these trends into a wearable narrative may prove challenging. TOM FORD SPRING 2015 RTW

TOM FORD · SPRING 2015 RTW

ALIK AND LOUISE

The Made in Chelsea gang spent the summer in NYC.  The MIC NYC finale just aired so you can bingewatch the season on 4oD.  If you are like me, you’ll have opinions about Billie.  And please note Alik’s overly passionate succubus kissing style.  He looks like he’s going to swallow little Louise whole. BILLIEOn the Diet Coke substitution tip, faithful reader Leah Love suggested Perrier as a pleasing alternative.  I’m currently investigating.  Thanks for the suggestion Mizz Love.  (((Hugs babygirl))) PERRIERWorking the next 18 days straight, so don’t assume if I’m not on the daily that I’m dickmatized.  Just working hard bitches, thanks for your patience and understanding. ♥ DCHALF ASS

 

Spring 2015 RTW: Lisa Marie Fernandez

LISA MARIE FERNANDEZ SPRING 2015 RTW 1LISA MARIE FERNANDEZ SPRING 2015 RTW 9LISA MARIE FERNANDEZ SPRING 2015 RTW 2LISA MARIE FERNANDEZ SPRING 2015 RTW 3LISA MARIE FERNANDEZ SPRING 2015 RTW 4LISA MARIE FERNANDEZ SPRING 2015 RTW 5LISA MARIE FERNANDEZ SPRING 2015 RTW 6LISA MARIE FERNANDEZ SPRING 2015 RTW 7LISA MARIE FERNANDEZ SPRING 2015 RTW 8

Spring 2015 RTW: Nicholas K

NICHOLAS K SPRING 2015 RTW 7NICHOLAS K SPRING 2015 RTW 1NICHOLAS K SPRING 2015 RTW 5NICHOLAS K SPRING 2015 RTW 2NICHOLAS K SPRING 2015 RTW 3NICHOLAS K SPRING 2015 RTW 6NICHOLAS K SPRING 2015 RTW 4NICHOLAS K SPRING 2015 RTW 8NICHOLAS K SPRING 2015 RTW 9NICHOLAS K SPRING 2015 RTW 10

Spring 2015 RTW: Alexander Wang

ALEXANDER WANG SPRING 2015 RTW 3ALEXANDER WANG SPRING 2015 RTW 6ALEXANDER WANG SPRING 2015 RTW 1ALEXANDER WANG SPRING 2015 RTW 5ALEXANDER WANG SPRING 2015 RTW 2ALEXANDER WANG SPRING 2015 RTW 4ALEXANDER WANG SPRING 2015 RTW 7ALEXANDER WANG SPRING 2015 RTW 8

I’m Really Sad About Joan Rivers

JOAN RIVERS AND PIGGY

Spring 2015 RTW: Hellessy

HELLESSY SPRING  2015 RTW 1HELLESSY SPRING  2015 RTW 2HELLESSY SPRING  2015 RTW 3HELLESSY SPRING  2015 RTW 4HELLESSY SPRING  2015 RTW 5HELLESSY SPRING  2015 RTW 6HELLESSY SPRING  2015 RTW 9HELLESSY SPRING  2015 RTW 8

September 2014 Horoscopes

VirgoVIRGO

Happy Birthday Virgo!  This September, emerge from the shadows and take your place in the limelight where you belong.  Before you step into the shine, check your outfit.  Honestly, you could do better.  While you’re at it, freshen the hair and face.  When all eyes turn your way this month, offer the best aesthetic version of yourself in return.  Most Virgo penny-pinchers can afford to spend a little on an upgrade.  The full moon on the 8th magnifies any weird energy percolating in your relationships.  To mitigate the frustration, move forward in some direction.  Recognize stagnation is the root problem.  While your passion is admirable Virgo, obsessive single-minded tendencies prevent you from making genuine connections with others.  Towards the end of the month, get your financial situation organized.  Build your life around what is important to you and funnel your resources accordingly.

LibraLIBRA

The days before your birthday are the best time for quiet rest and solitude, Libra.  Relinquish as many responsibilities as possible the first three weeks of the September.  Your theme this month: No unnecessary pressure.  Remain as unscheduled as possible because Libras need plenty of naps and relaxation.  During this personal retreat, Libra may experience a series of unusual dreams.  What is your subconscious trying to tell you?  In between sleeps, get some fresh air and move your body which will help process your emotional backlog.  After a week of lounging, your space is a mess.  Use the energy boost of the full moon to tidy up.  Clean the floors.  You’ll feel better about your life.

 ScorpioSCORPIO

September always feels very back-to-school which reflects the social tempo for Scorpio this month.  Even though light, airy, and introductory isn’t your favorite way to converse, the Sun in Virgo makes you especially chatty.  The first half of the month, you are especially attractive and dynamic.  You will feel the heat of attention.  Speak your truth compassionately.  Use your power for good not evil, Scorpio.  Get ready to spill your guts on the full moon (the 8th); you won’t be able to contain yourself.  A truthful confession of feeling will bring you two closer.  When Scorpio connects with someone of equal passion the union’s combustible.  Why fight the obvious lust?  Just keep in mind, this is a fertile time.

SagittariusSAG

You’re one hard-working bitch in September, Sag.  Much of your valuable time and energy will go towards professional obligations.  Your loved ones will have to wait because Sags prioritize achievement over relationships this month.  To make it up to them, show your love by hosting a dinner for family and friends around full moon (8th).  Sags in baby-making mode revel in the fertility of the full moon.  Along with added charisma, Mars can bring a combative, aggressive edge to your personality.  Listen carefully to the subtle cues delivered in the subtext of conversations.  If you thoughtlessly overstep, you won’t get away with it this month.

CapricornCAPRICORN

If you can get away Capricorn – do it!  The first three weeks of September are perfect for a trip.  Spend the time away focusing on yourself.  Emerge from your travels with an optimistic perspective.  The full moon brings news that could shape the future.  The fallout could involve a sibling.  Nothing holds you back but your own self-doubt, and it is high time you silenced the negative self-talk.  If anyone is capable of achieving the unlikely, you are Capricorn, so untether your dreams.  Others respect you professionally because you are so reliable and consistent.  Keep every promise to protect that sterling reputation.

AquariusAQUARIUS

While intelligent, no one really ever accused you of being “too deep,” Aquarius.  You take in the big picture, but also tend to skim the surface.  In September, you’ll feel everything more intensely which leads to you to reconsider certain relationships and situations that have proved dissatisfying.  Jealousy isn’t really your thing, so if you experience such feelings consider them a red flag.  September’s great for real estate deals if you are thinking of purchasing property.  Use the energy of the full moon to make a professional change.  If you are dissatisfied no matter how much recognition you receive then you are in the wrong line of work.

PiscesPISCES

In September, partnership plays paramount for Pisces.  You crave a true mate, someone who counterbalances the extremes of your personality.  Forming an alliance with an equally giving person will cultivate substantial security for you.  As a logical extension, some Pisces may consider cohabitation or marriage.  This could be a positive change as long as you remember inviting someone else in requires compromise.  The full moon brings a much needed dose of assertiveness to your personality.  Speak your truth unequivocally Pisces; abandon the need to please.

AriesARIES

September provides a great opportunity to organize your life, Aries.  Remove physical clutter first which will give you room to think.  Clean up messy finances by paying off debt and simplifying expenses.  Minimize obligations and soften your schedule to the bare minimum.  You’ll be surprised how much you accomplish when you focus only on essentials.  Remember your health is most important, so examine your routines and cut out destructive patterns.  The full moon gives you the courage to let go of unhealthy emotional attachments.

TaurusTAURUS

Taurus enjoys a super sexy and fertile September.  This month you’re all about a good time and you do your best to coax a party out of every place you go.  Channel dramatic feelings into your personal styling choices and not into your relationships.  The full moon makes you the most popular of all, so you might as well take advantage of the positive energy with a ton of social engagements.  Get the gang together!  Flirt with strangers.  Your best impression is when you are most yourself.  Toward the end of the month, implement strategies in areas where you would like to see improvement.  With six months of commitment, you’ll see results.

 GeminiGEMINI

Nourish yourself and nurture loved ones in September, Gemini.   Enjoy visits with family and friends.  More emotional than usual, you may get a little weepy.  Experience your feelings without judgment and with a healthy dose of compassion.  Get your home organized and tidy for the change of season.  Stock your fridge with healthy foods.  The full moon on the 8th bestows professional benefits on Gemini.  After three weeks of sofa surfing, you’ll be ready to get out and flirt towards the end of September.  If you fancy someone, show it.

CancerCANCER

Cancer is especially chatty this September – and for you that’s saying something!  This boost of quality communication benefits work, family, and relationships.  This type of energy needs an external outlet, so fill your days with spontaneity and an assortment of fun diversions.  If you feel a bit overwhelmed at moments, just remind yourself that this is but a temporary frenzy.  On the eighth, the full moon brings travel lust.  If you can’t get away, fuck a foreigner.

 LeoLEO

Earn your keep in September, Leo.  Work super hard to replenish your finances.  Savings are critical to your long-term success and ability to take risks.  Start with prioritizing what is most important.  Protect and nourish those aspects.  You won’t have the patience for draining people this month.  Just ignore them and they will go away.  Spend free time with fun folks in undemanding situations.  The full moon supports deep bonding with your partner.  Enjoy the best sex of the year and the flood of emotion that follows.