True Tori

TRUE TORIPlease tell me you watched the premiere of True Tori on Lifetime last night.  It was everything.  True Tori proves there are no bounds to Spelling’s self-delusion.  First, we’re all supposed to pretend this is the only time Dean’s cheated.  Tori honey, Dean cheated with you, and he’s been cheating on you.  He’s a big fat cheater.  Yesterday.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Does anyone honestly believe this was an isolated incident?  Dean strikes me as a guy who is as indiscriminately unfaithful as his opportunities.DEAN MCDERMOTTTori had the audacity to say, “Don’t feel sorry for me.”  Oh don’t worry; we don’t.  She complained about raising 4 kids on her own.  Do you think she thought about Dean’s then-wife Mary raising their 2 kids alone when Spelling went husband-snatching on the set of her sad little Lifetime movie 7 years ago?  I suspect not.  In a pathetic ploy to garner undeserved audience sympathy, Spelling shamelessly plays put-upon mommy despite my hunch that she has a fleet of nannies hovering conveniently out of frame to provide behind the scenes support while Deano’s trolls the inpatient ward for his latest conquest. DEAN MARY JOTori and Lindsay must have graduated from the same learning annex course on self-exploitation through bad reality programming.  Both celebrities offer up publicist-curated versions of their mundane lives sprinkled generously with oversharing of their most private personal dramas – all whilst complaining about the constant paparazzi swarm who keep them on the covers of tabloids.  Happy to whore themselves out to a reality show camera crew for personal monetary gain, these bitches clutch their pearls in outrage should anyone else profit off the insatiable interest in their misfortune.  These two skinny bitches must have discovered hypocrisy burns more calories than Adderall.STAR TORI DIVORCE

 

over it

DCIM100GOPRO

I’m so over fucking Coachella, Burning Man, and any other bullshit that involves a hoard of entitled fuckers eating drugs in the desert pretending it’s art.

COACHELLA LAMEI’m so over Game of Thrones.  Dragon dearth.GAME OF THRONES DRAGON

I’m so over guys who only care about their own orgasm.  The girls in the porn aren’t actually climaxing you lazy, delusional douche.

SELFISH IN BED

I’m so over Jenelle Evans getting pregnant.

JENELLE EVANS PREGS

I’m so over Sonja Evans describing her outdated, ill-fitting ensembles by listing the designers.  “It’s Oscar.”  It’s ugly.

SONJA MORGAN

I’m so over people throwing cigarette butts everywhere.  As if the smoking isn’t gross enough.

 

 

 

 

Happy 420 Easter Bunnies

 

EASTER BASKETBUNNY CARTOON VINTAGE BUNNY CHOC BUNNIES HOT GUY RABBIT EARS STONEY BUNNYCHICK

generic clarisonic replacement brush heads

GENERIC CLARISONICEven though I love my Clarisonic, the replacement heads border on prohibitively expensive.  After eying the generic replacement brush heads on Amazon, I ordered to see if they measure up to the Clarisonic standard.  Considering Clarisonic replacement heads are more than 10x as expensive as the generic, the potential bargain is alluring.  So far I haven’t been disappointed.  I can tell no discernible difference between the generic and the Clarisonic, save the price.  Moral of the story?  Pocket your money and buy the generic replacement heads.  Change the brush quarterly.  GENERIC CLARISONIC GREEN

fall 2014 rtw /// shoes

 

ALTUZARRA BLUE BLACKAltuzarraSTUART WEITZMAN HOLOGRAMStuart WeitzmanPIERRE HARDY BOOTPierre Hardy OSCAR TIYEOscar Tiye DSQUARED SNAKESKIN

Dsquared²

CHARLOTTE OLYMPIA GEISHA

Charlotte OlympiaCASADEI NUDECasadei BRIAN ATWOOD SNAKESKINBrian Atwood BRIAN ATWOOD FRINGEBrian Atwood BOTTEGA VENETA FLAME BOOTIEBottega Veneta

hatespring

POLLENI hate spring because intoxicating clouds of allergens trigger such an overwhelming immune response I feel exhausted all day.  I only nap in the spring.NAP

I hate spring because I never know what to wear.  It’s too early for bare legs and skirts.  Jeans and boots feel too heavy.  I’m too hot.  I’m too cold.  The erratic weather means it’s warm enough for tank tops one day and cold enough for sweaters the next.  Nothing looks or feels quite right.

OLSENS OUTFITSI hate spring because folks get yearning loins and make bad sex decisions.  Don’t get mad at me because you did something grimy.TINDER

I hate spring because Cadbury Eggs and Peeps are fucking gross.CADBURY PEEPSI hate spring because it highlights my need to shed a chunk of winter weight.  CHUBBY BABY

 

earring hole blackheads

LOBE BLACKHEADSIf you have pierced ears with no earrings in the holes go to a mirror right now.  Put your thumb on the under side and stretch the lobe so the pierced hole turns inside out.  Did a blackhead plug pop out?  Are you horrified?  I know.  Now turn your lobe the other way and get the back side blackhead plug.  Then go to the other ear and take care of business.  You’re welcome you filthy bitch.  EARBLACKHEAD

Skills for Life: on bullies

ASSHOLEI’m an Alpha.  Nobody who knows me would contest this.  That means in my worst moments I can be a bully.  It’s just one of the many flaws on my mental personal improvement list.  The upside to knowing how to bully is knowing how to handle bullies.  This morning, I encountered a doozy.  This rich, white, entitled asshole is accustomed to getting his ass kissed by everyone.  Boy, did he get a Sunday morning surprise when he quickly realized I’m not in the ass kissing business.  He was rude.  I stood my ground.  He threw a tantrum.  I firmly and politely looked him in the eye, unmoved by his childish antics.  It was as if he’d never heard the word “no.”  Within 5 minutes he relented.  So incredibly uncomfortable with my powerful, direct, and uncompromising stance, he couldn’t cope.  In the face of true courage and strength, he crumbled like an insecure little bitch.  Money and status are common external qualities and neither one makes you powerful.  Power comes (in part) from courage – a much rarer internally-cultivated quality.  Don’t ever let anybody push you around.  Stand powerfully with your courageous heart and watch the weak wither.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear,not absence of fear.

— Mark Twain

minoxidil

NAOMI CAMPBELL RECEDINGI’m trying a radical approach to see if it will work – minoxidil.  I don’t suffer from female pattern baldness, but my hair isn’t as full as it used to be.  Based on preliminary research, I suspect that minoxidil will trigger growth and lengthen the growth phase.  Against label advice, I am using the full 5% strength intended for men.  So far I haven’t noticed beard growth or anything, but I’ve only been using it three days.  Gotta use it every single day x 2 to make the magic happen, and apparently it takes time (90 days) to see results.  I bought the foam from Costco.  Barring any intolerable side-effects, I plan to use the full contents of the package and then reassess.  This experiment is a long-term commitment.  The product must make contact with the scalp to work effectively.  Minoxidil is a vasodilator, so it kinda fucks you up for a few minutes, but the feeling quickly passes.  KIRKLAND MINOXIDIL FOAM