Bethenny’s Back at Bravo

BETHENNY AND ANDY COHENIn a last ditch effort to save the franchise, Bravo dug deep into their pockets to lure Bethenny Frankel back to the NYC Housewives next season.  Ugh.  Too little, too late, Bravo.  I have layered distaste for this desperate decision.  Yes, I do believe this stunt casting will temporarily spike the ratings, but after last season’s toilet ratings it would be hard to do worse.  Ramona’s implausible deniablility regarding the implosion of her marriage paired with that new basic blonde bitch made for a dud of a season.RAMONA

When it comes to Bethenny, what haven’t we seen her do?  We’ve watched her destroy friendships for fame, strike it rich, birth her daughter, exploit her marriage for ratings, divorce, and engage in a protracted nasty custody battle.  What do we have to look forward to?  Bethenny and her once-accused-rapist boyfriend walking hand and hand with little Bryn?  That should go over well.BETHENY MICHAEL BRYN

The main difference between the old Bethenny and new Bethenny is net worth.  Bethenny recounts that when she began with RHNY she was teetering towards broke.  Now she sitting on a pile of money looking down at everyone else.  This should create the most interesting shift in the dynamics among the women.  Filthy rich Bethenny has no reason to give a fuck about offending anyone.  I expect a deluge of snide criticism.  She doesn’t need the approval or allegiance of her castmates.  Her wealth keeps her good company.BETHENNY FRANKEL RICH

Rejoining an ensemble cast after a failed talkshow isn’t exactly a propulsive career move.  This is a woman who clearly wants her mug on the blogs whatever the cost to her dignity.  Apparently, it’s gotta be fame and fortune for Mizz Frankel.  It’s rumored one of the contingencies of Frankel agreeing to return was a no-Zarin clause which is unfortunate since Jill’s the only Housewife that could prove a worthy adversary to her former friend.

JILL ZARIN

 

for the engaged ladies: Spring 2015 Bridal

Vera Wang

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Ines Di Santo Collection

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Zac Posen

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Jenny Packham

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Alberta Ferretti

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Carolina Herrera

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Oscar de la Renta

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dustbust

OG DUSTBUSTER BTTFBack in the glory of the 80’s, my family had a Dustbuster.  The hand-held vacuum was as revolutionary as the VCR.  When confronted with a dry spill, my spic-n-span mother would first gasp, then clutch her pearls, and then order me to fetch the Dustbuster!  It was my family’s version of Joan Crawford’sTina, bring me the ax” rant.  Eventually, the Dustbuster caught an unshakable funky smell, so we had to bid adieu.  Maybe these repressed mini-vac memories explain why it took me 25 years to buy my own hand-held.  Neat-freak that I am, I don’t understand how I went so long without the handy cleaning companion.  I hate vacuuming with the big vacuum so much.  Not only is it cumbersome and loud, but it doesn’t fit into every nook.  I love running the hand-held along, in the corners, and underneath.  I even employed it to suck the crumbs out of the bottom of the oven (when the heat was off, duh).  The little device tidies up a room quickly and efficiently without entering the weight-lifting portion of the competition with a hefty full-size vac.  I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to cheap appliances, so I bought the best Wal-mart had to offer: the Black & Decker 16v Dustbuster.  It sucks hard and brings me several satisfying intermittent cleaning moments everyday.BLACK AND DECKER DUSTBUSTER

Spring 2015 RTW: Givenchy

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straw into gold

GONE GIRLI spent nearly a decade in an unfulfilling relationship I knew two weeks in had no real meaningful future.  I can give you justifications and excuses for not leaving – my parents died; I got laid off; I enjoyed the financial security of the union.  That’s all just weak bullshit though.  My therapist likes to say that the universe doesn’t belabor situations, we do.  He’s right.  GOODBYE CHALKRecently, I’ve been kicking it with an extremely attractive man.  He possesses exceptional qualities.  He showed me upfront that he’s a man of principle.  Unfortunately, we are both too damaged to ever make it work.  A decade ago, I would have clung to our magic for dear life, hoping to stoke the flames of compatibility and extinguish the discord.  Now, I know better.  Even though it was hard to let such a pretty thing go, I said goodbye.  I should have said goodbye a month ago when I knew for sure that we couldn’t truly partner, so I guess I still have something to learn with regard to belaboring situations.  That said, progress is progress, and I am proud that instead of squandering a decade, I cut my losses after two months before deeply entangling my heart. AARONI’m just not going to do it, try so hard to make it work.  Rumpelstiltskin was always one of my favorite children’s stories, but I would rather go solo than waste anymore time spinning straw into gold.  STRAW TO GOLD

burnt

BURN LEG HAIRI confess to the grossest habit.  I love to burn off my body hair.  I know it’s weird.  I know it smells.  I know it’s potentially dangerous.  I’ll burn my arm hair, leg hair, pubes, whatever.  I’ve never burned myself badly.  It’s not like I flame all the way down to the skin.  It thins out the hair without in-growns.  Frankly, I’m not sure why singeing hasn’t caught on as a more popular technique.  Though apparently it’s a common method of ear hair removal in Turkey?!  Even though singeing is totally freaky and disgusting, it satisfies my inner pyro.  Don’t judge me; it’s not like I’m collecting farts in jar.  Jeez.HAIR SINGE

 

read. saw. splurged

NOT THAT KIND OF GIRLObviously, I bought Lena Dunham’s book Not That Kind of Girl because I’m a voracious consumer of all of Dunham’s creative output.  It doesn’t disappoint.  Girls fans will enjoy retreading source material in what I guess you would call her first book of essays.  What I like most is her intelligent use of rarely used four letter words – example “ford the river.”GONE GIRLI sat through a matinee of Gone Girl with the AARP set today.  In case you haven’t heard, there’s Affleck and NPH peen involved.  It’s a totally serviceable adaptation; true to the novel and stylish, but the movie lacks the urgency I felt while reading the book.  At well over 2 dragging-ass hours, the movie could have benefited from an little edit to accelerate the overall pacing.  In reflecting back, the best part of the cinema experience was listening to the grayhairs chuckle at the preceding Fifty Shades of Grey trailer.LIPSHTICKDid you hear that Wendy Williams is doing another couple shows at the Venetian for their Lipshtick series?  With the exception of the Veggie House, I don’t love Las Vegas, but I do love Wendy Williams.  Snag a ticket and I’ll meet you there.  We’ll make it cute.WENDY WILLIAMS LIPSHTICK

 

clarisonshit

PEDISONICFuck Clarisonic.  Seriously, I’m so pissed.  I bought that stupid Pedi Sonic device for $200 and the motor died in less than three months.  Janky ass piece of crap.  I’m over ClarisonicClarisonic can eat a dick as far as I’m concerned.CLARISONIC PEDI BRUSH

Not all negative Nancy, I will take this moment to praise Ulta Beauty, a company not exactly world-renowned for their customer service.  When I rolled in with my receipt and the pricey device, I didn’t know how they would try and play me.  At first, there was talk of store credit.  I kept quiet and after some manager headset chatter, I walked away with a full refund.  I didn’t even have to ask.  They knew.  Deep down they knew that Clarisonic did me dirty.  Thanks for making it right without giving me a bushel of grief Ulta.

KENDALL JENNER ULTA

the sentencing

TERESA AND JOE GIUDICEWhat do you think of the sentences handed down to Joe and Teresa Giudice?  I’m not a fan of stupidity, so I’ve never much cared for those two tacky trolls, but to envision Teresa attempting to flip a bolted-down table in a federal penitentiary is almost unimaginable.  As predicted, the judge set their sentences, 15 months for Teresa and 41 months for Joe, to run one after another so a parent is always home with girls.  Their eldest daughter Gia is 14, she’ll be out of high school and off to college (or the stripper pole) before her parents are done with their tag-team incarceration.  For the next 5 years, the girls will be living with one parent while the other parent is in prison.  That’s fucked.  At least Teresa’s well-prepared.  Could any other show better train you for the clink than The Real Housewives of New Jersey?  Even though her bitch-fighting skills may be well-honed, I still recommend she perfect her jailhouse Fabellini recipe before (to quote Apollo Nida) going “asunder.”  TERESA GIUDICE FABELLINIAs for that little meatball Joe, I’m concerned for him and his ability to stomach prison.JOE GIUDICEDo you think these two will stay married through the dark days?  I believe they will.  When you are in the shit that deep with someone, how do you leave?  Conversely, some gossips are saying Joe threw Teresa under the bus and that their marriage is destroyed.  TERESA AND JOE WEDDINGAs for the future of the Real Housewives of New Jersey franchise, do you think the shamelessly desperate-for-ratings Andy Cohen will march Dina Manzo down to the prison for a little OITNB visitation moment?  I’m simultaneously disgusted and interested in such a notion, and that makes me feel a little dirty.  In preparation for her on-air visit, I visualize Teresa swarmed by a makeshift jailhouse glam squad attempting to thread her eyebrows with an unraveling sheet, affix her hair with Jolly Rancher hairspray, and lacquer her lips with Kool-Aid.TERESA MAKEUPAllegedly, Bravo has stalled filming the reunion until the sentences were handed down.  This strategy has understandably created some hostility.  In addition, there’s been talk of a contractually obligated first interview on Watch What Happens Live.  It’s Shakespearean that the very network that created the stars will be the same one to exploit and profit from all the gory details of their undoing.   GIUDICES WWHL