Go Deep

TORDo you Tor?  You know I’m obsessed with privacy and free speech, so I downloaded Tor, the browser that allows you to explore the web anonymously.  I won’t bore you with the particulars, you can read the Wiki page for that, but Tor provides layers of encryption that makes it pretty much impossible to trace your web doings.  Oh, you didn’t know about the government and corporations spying on your web activities?  Look into it.BIG BROTHER

Tor is also your gateway to the “deep web.”  It took me all of about 20 minutes to stumble down that rabbit hole.  Since I don’t have a need for bulk MDMA, pedoporn, or a contract killer, I really have no use for these sites, but I admit it’s a little thrilling to take a stroll through the back alleys of the internet.  It’s an eBay of criminality people – ANYTHING YOU WANT.  Bitcoin is the currency.  Thank God I didn’t have access to the black markets of the deep web when I was 20, or I would have been crotch-deep in MDMA.  It’s both exhilarating and alarming to know that this unregulated underworld exists and is not at all difficult to access.  Tor.  Go Deep.    GRAMS

Peach Teas

Xing Green Tea with Peach & Honey

XING PEACH GREEN TEASweet.  Peachy.  Tarty.  Dry finish.  180 calories for a monstrous 23.5 oz can.

Honest Tea Peach Oo-la-long

HONEST TEA PEACHOrganic.  Far less sweet.  Mildly peachy.  Assertive tea taste.  60 calories in 16 oz.

Tazo Giant PeachTAZO GIANT PEACH

Major peachyness.  More juice than tea.  Super fruity and sweet.  150 calories for 13.8 oz.

Republic of Tea Ginger PeachREPUBLIC OF TEA PEACH

Strong black tea.  Caffeine kick.  Iced or hot.  Lightly bitter finish.

Teavana Peach Tranquility

Full-bodied peachy taste layered over gentle tea blend.  Superb hot/cold.  Caffeine-free.PEACH TEA

Fall 2014 Couture {Ulyana Sergeenko}

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Skills for Life: Tiny Cleaning Crew

TINY TOWN BOYLast week, I went on the cutest date with the best man to Tiny TownTiny Town is comprised of a ton of little dollhouses and has a little train you can ride around the modest grounds.  We arrived early before the crowds and commenced our tour of Tiny Town.  As we got toward the back of the colony of dollhouses, I noticed two girls.  The older girl looked about nine years old and the younger one around seven.  They had a bucket and squeegee and were cleaning off the exterior of the tiny houses.  I watched and listened to the diminutive cleaning crew working.  As they cleaned the dirt off the dollhouse windows one by one, I heard the older girl explaining to the younger girl that the water was getting dirty and needed to be changed.  They weren’t complaining, worked together without conflict, and encouraged each other to rally when they got tired.  I was super impressed.  Not only were these girls participating in age-appropriate chores, but the older girl was mentoring the younger girl by teaching her cleaning skills for life.  There was no direct adult supervision, and there didn’t need to be because these two young ladies were clearly raised with a sense of responsibility.  TINY TOWN TWO GIRLSYesterday, during my teeth cleaning, I was listening to my hygienist bitch about her step-children – two girls – ages ten and twelve who are spoiled brats with zero responsibility.  These girls respect no one because they have never been taught respect.  They have no life skills because no one ever taught them how to pick up after themselves.  As a result, the girls are ungrateful and bored because they have no appreciation for responsibility.  Parents who shelter their children from work are doing their kids a great disservice.  Find age-appropriate tasks and teach your children early on that life is a balance between work and fun.  Prepare your children for the reality of life not your fantasy of an ideal childhood.  Teach them self-soothing skills and self-sufficiency, so you don’t end up gifting the world with your useless, lazy, spoiled, entitled, and ungrateful offspring.  Yeah, I sound judgmental, but when it comes to parenting – if you aren’t going to do it right, don’t do it at all. TINY TOWN KID

mizz tudie denkins

I’ve been dogsitting my best friend’s dog Tudie Denkins this week.  She is a 2 lb Maltese and the sweetest most lovable little dog you could ever meet.  I’ve enjoyed having her so much.  She follows me around, sits on my lap, sleeps curled up next to me in my armpit.  She doesn’t really bark.  She definitely never bites.  She just loves and sleeps.  That’s her jam, and that’s why I agreed to keep her while my friend was away.  CAM00859In having her in my home, I’ve realized a few other things about dog ownership.  It’s unexpectedly nice to have a reason to wake up and go right outside, breathe the morning air, and take my little pal on a walk.  Ditto with the night time routine and getting outside for fresh air before bed.  Tudie’s such a little cutie that no one can resist her.  I’ve met so many new people this week because of her adorable mug.  I have to return little Tudie back to her Ma tomorrow and it will be super hard to let her go.  It’s nice to have a warm little companion.  I get it dog people.  I get it.  Woof.CAM00852

Wedding Gown Rundown

JESSICA SIMPSON WEDDINGJessica Simpson wore custom Carolina Herrera.  It’s such a princess-y Jessica Simpson dress.  It is exactly what you’d expect her to wear.  I do like the candlelight color, the snatched waist, and the how the beading catches the light.  I don’t love the pattern of the beading on the skirt and the way it creates a weighty bedspread feeling to the bottom of the dress. JESSICA SIMPSON BRIDEOLIVIA PALERMOAlso in Carolina Herrera, I feel like Olivia Palermo is trying to be the hipster chick that wears Chuck Taylors to prom.  Like she’s above the fuss of an actual wedding dress.  She can only bother with a skirt and sweater (in the summer).  I offer you begrudging props for originality paired with an eyeroll, Palermo.  She looks way baked in this picture, no?  KANDI BURRESSKandi fucking Burruss.  Did you watch that hot fucking mess of a televised shitshow?  Coming to America, for real girl?  Today is just about dresses and this one makes me recall that line from Steel Magnolias, “Looks like two pigs fightin’ under a blanket.”  What do you expect from a designer who delivers your dress in a bedsheet?TAYLOR ARMSTRONGI threw Taylor Armstrong in here for a little Real Housewives compare and contrast.  She’s wearing Chagoury Couture.  The dress is dated; it’s giving me a very 1997 prom sensation. NAYA RIVERA REFLECTIONPoor Naya Rivera, attempting to bride her post-Big Sean pain away in Monique Lhuillier.  This dress is totally inappropriate for a Cabo wedding.  Could you imagine wearing all that lace and long sleeves in Mexico in the summerNAYA RIVERA WEDDING DRESSKALEY CUOCOKaley Cuoco opted for carnation pink Vera Wang.  I’m all for non-white, but this gown isn’t really that special.  The color borders on cloying. KATIE COURICCarmen Marc Valvo made Katie Couric’s dress for her ceremony in the Hamptons.  I know she’s nearing 60, but that has nothing to do with the bad cut, fabric, and color of this frock.  She could have looked a whole lot cuter, and it’s a damn shame she wore this disservice of a dress on such a blessed occasion.  KIM AND KANYEI actually like elements of Kim’s Givenchy dress, just not the part that looks like she’s wearing North’s bib.  The back is beautiful, especially with the totally impractical exaggerated veil.  For sure, that skinny white belt will be ripped off and all over the bridal runways next season – you heard it here first. KIM K WEDDING DAY

The Current Rotation: July Flyby

COWBOY JUNKIES SWEET JANESweet Jane ↔ Cowboy Junkies

FIRST AID KIT

My Silver Lining ↔ First Aid Kit

MO

Pilgrim ↔ MØ

THE DANDY WARHOLS

We Used to Be Friends ↔ The Dandy Warhols

SYLVAN ESSO

Hey Miami ↔ Sylvan Esso

PERFUME GENIUS DARK PARTS

Dark Parts ↔ Perfume Genius

LEONARD COHEN

I’m Your Man ↔ Leonard Cohen

 

Fall 2014 Couture {Armani Privé}

 

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I quit you diet coke.

DIET COKE HEADWhen I was a wayward youth, I pretty much got grounded every summer.  The summer I was 13 and stuck at home with my Mom, I picked up her Diet Coke habit.  Actually, when I think back on it, I was drinking TAB and watching Dallas in the early 80′s, so my aspartame addiction spans life-long.  I know it’s bad for me.  I’ve known it’s bad for me.  I’ve shared my Diet Coke shame before (as loyal readers remember).  Recently, while watching the documentary Hungry for Change, listening to Dr. Christiane Northrup describe the brain-cell-killing jamboree aspartame causes made me side-eye my beloved Diet Coke with new disgust.  DIET COKE ZOMBIES

I confess I drank an absurdly large amount of Diet Coke, mostly out of cans, 6 or more a day for years.  I’ll wait while you judge.  Considering the depth of my habit, I was prepared for an intensely difficult withdrawal period.  Surprisingly, I’m fine.  I’m drinking tea for caffeine and La Croix for fizz.  I haven’t had any conscious hardcore cravings.  Of course, I had a dream about popping a Diet Coke last night, but that’s just my subconscious cleansing itself of my filthy addiction.   DIET EVIL