Monthly Archives: March 2010

APRIL 2010 HOROSCOPE

ARIES:  Think before you speak or risk humiliation.TAURUS:  Everyone doesn’t have to be just like you. GEMINI:  Make up your mind and stick to it.CANCER:  Stop crying and pull yourself together. LEO:  Don’t be afraid to tell the truth.VIRGO:  Stop worrying so much.LIBRA:  Light a fire under your ass.SCORPIO:   Stop telling everyone else what to do. SAGITTARIUS:  Keep your dick in your pants.CAPRICORN:  Don’t take your crabby-ass mood out on others.AQUARIUS:  Choose your battles wisely.PISCES:  Focus on one thing.



Don’t Be Debbie

Many whiny white boys will watch the Ian Curtis biopic Control for the music, but I think it plays best as a cautionary tale reminding women why they shouldn’t marry that mopey disaffected musician they banged in their late teens/early twenties.

Let me summarize: Ian Curtis wanted to be a rockstar.  Ian Curtis formed a band called Joy Division (named after a WWII brothel frequented by Nazis).  Ian Curtis married the first girl he ever loved, Debbie, before either reached twenty.  Joy Division garnered a following.  Debbie got pregnant with their daughter Natalie.  Ian predictably started banging a Belgian jump-off named Annik.  Ian suffered from epilepsy. Even though his band landed a North American tour, Ian was depressed.  Debbie found out about Annik and wanted a divorce.  Just days before Joy Division’s first U.S. tour, Ian begged Debbie not to divorce him.  She refused, so he hung himself in her kitchen.

I appreciate Joy Division, after all, without Joy Division there would be no New Order, but committing suicide at 23 and leaving behind a wife, daughter, mistress, and a band on the brink of greatness is pretty fucking selfish.  Enjoy the brooding Ian Curtis types in your twenties and then leave them there where they belong, but take the music with you.

Bethenny’s an Honest Woman

MAZEL TOV to Bethenny and Jasonmarried Sunday, March 28th at the Four Seasons.Sorry, but this is gross.BridezillaFrom the Britney Spears collection.Off to our all expenses paid honeymoon.Alex and Simon, nerd love.Steal that spotlight Ramona.

Witchy Women

THE CRAFT

When this movie came out, I saw it in the theater and loved it.  Now when I come across it, I find my affection has not waned.  So it’s not Fellini.  I’m no snob.  Fairuza Balk storms through as a one woman special effect and brings back all your latent Return to Oz nightmares.  Come on, you know you want to call the corners.

CENTO

Best tomatoes ever.  No citric acid or calcium chloride to ruin the taste.  No added acid may mean less chance of BPA leech (if that is a concern for you).

MAGIC MUD

Spackle your face all you want, beautiful makeup cannot be without the canvas of beautiful skin.  Make-up should be optional.  Your skin should glow with or without it.  Therefore, skincare is essential and no amount of make-up can conceal or compensate for lazy hygiene.

To give good face, start with Borghese Fango Active Mud.  It tightens, calms red, and brightens in about twenty minutes.  This mud mask is worth the investment and a little goes a long way.  I’ve tried the others and they don’t do what Fango does.  Cut corners elsewhere.

RHNY: Bloods vs. Crips

Bethenny disguised her stinger under that dress and the Countess backed right into it at the Pamella Roland show.  Bethenny came ready to play and wasn’t going to let good old fashioned decorum stand in her way.  Fashion show?  Church?  Who cares?  Let’s get our catfight on.

Whether the Countess meant her comment as a dig or not really didn’t matter, Bethenny came ready to unleash and needed nothing more than a hair trigger to drench LuAnn in vitriol.

Trust me, Bethenny‘s elephantine nutsack dwarfs the Count’s little French acorns.  In the midst of this fight, the Countess is wishing she had directed her anger at a less competent rival.  LuAnn ducked for cover by playing the Jill card, but the strategy splooged all over her pretty little face. Bethenny exposed LuAnn‘s liberal panty dropping policy for a second time this season and managed to chisel a crack in LuAnn and Jill‘s burgeoning friendship with one bitchy revelation.

As LuAnn scrambled for higher ground realizing it ain’t the bantamweight division, Bethenny went in for strike two calling LuAnn “a non-trustworthy competitive snake that gives compliments that are digs.”  Oh Bethenny, haven’t you realized?  You’ve just described the unfortunate nature of all women.

The Countess hurled a few half-hearted insults about Bethenny‘s nasty mouth before retreating to Kelly.  LuAnn compared Bethenny to a mad dog and it’s clear that she’s learned a valuable lesson.  Don’t go toe-to-toe with a Scorpio.

As Bethenny started to suffer bitch-out remorse, she and LuAnn silently seethed through the fashion show.  Ever-observant Kelly switched seats to plant her lips on Lisa Rinna’s ass thereby depriving the two combatants a buffer.

The Countess surfaced from the fight humiliated and outmatched while Bethenny unleashed a fire hose of fury where a sprinkle could have adequately extinguished the flame.  Bethenny won the battle, but don’t underestimate LuAnns capacity to fortify with back-up and take a stab at reclaiming her pride.

At fashion show number two, Ramona, Avery, and Kelly met up for more front-row revelry.  I know, I know, I shouldn’t attack the children, but I’m just going to say it.  Avery is a snotty little brat.  Maybe she’s just at that unlikable age, but her fifteen-year-old condescension chaps my ass.  Let’s hope she grows out of it, but let’s hope she gives Ramona holy hell through her teen years first.

Don’t ask someone why you weren’t invited to their party.  I promise you won’t like the answer.  You weren’t invited because the host doesn’t like you, dumbass.

Kelly pity-invited Ramona to the CoCoPerez party (don’t bother, he knows nothing about fashion and should stick to Britney cooch shots).  Jill, Ramona, and Kelly recap the LuAnn and Bethenny showdown.  Jill showed she obviously cares for Bethenny as she tears up thinking about the conflict.

In every interview Bethenny has done to promote this new season of RHNY she has emphasized that she was pregnant and didn’t drink.  So far we are four episodes into the season and Bethenny has got her skinnygirl on in every single episode, so if her baby is born with flippers, you’ll know why.

At the Skinnygirl lounge, Bethenny pushed nauseating morning-time margaritas on the girls as she nervously prattled.

Am I hallucinating or is this the best that Alex has ever looked?

Kelly confused Bethenny with her warm support, but with these two the nicey-nice is always a saccharin veneer.

L’chayim!  The three Jewesses (the smart one, the vain one, and the stretched one) kvetched through the cover shoot for their new book.  Gloria’s facelift does not play, but the woman does give good advice.  Mazel on your new book ladies!

Here we are at Phillipe with Bethenny again (drinking a skinnygirl, again), this time she met up with Ramona to trade information on the Bryant Park bombings.  Ramona wouldn’t give up the goods, but Bethenny again expressed pain over the discord between her and Jill.

For someone hosting a private dinner at Saks, you’d think Jill would know the difference between couture and ready-to-wear, and she somehow manages to make McQueen look like TadashiKelly doesn’t seem to understand that she’s built like a dude and shouldn’t put on furry vests that make her shoulders appear even broader.  Alex, back on the fashion shitwagon, showed up in an irrelevant blouse and jeans getup.  Me likey the Countess in purple; right dress, wrong earrings.

Nothing triggers quicker fury than smack talking someone’s kids.  Alex brought us the most sincere moment of the season when she confronted Jill regarding the François leg climbing incident.  Jill had the good sense to apologize and promise to do better.  If only she could apply the same common sense and humility to her dispute with Bethenny.

Ramona, bottle deep in pinot grigio, feigned deep sympathy over the finality of LuAnn‘s divorce before launching into the tit offensive.

Presiding over the table, Ramona loudly described Kelly‘s east and west facing breastage complete with gesticulations and inquiries as to whether Kelly had ‘em redone for the Playboy shoot.  Kadooze Ramona, Kadooze!

Kelly gets super pissed and decides to pack up her fur vest and hit the road (in her Dodge pick-up, right?)  Despite her questionable volume and timing, Ramona does have a point.  If your fake tittays are so private, then why put them in Playboy for the whole effing world to see?

Now Hear This: GOLDFRAPP, HEAD FIRST

Don’t listen to the hateful critics, most aren’t ready to embrace the angel food cake confection of Head First, Goldfrapp’s fifth studio record.  It like totally has an unapologetically retro feel.  Rocket blasts right out of the early 80′s.  Sometimes a girl needs a little froth, and if you are in the right mood this dance album will whip you up.  Give it a whirl during a workout.

Standout tracks:  Shiny and Warm and Alive.

Raven-haired Renaissance

2010, the year of the chocolate tressed chicas.  Deep, dusky brunette never looked more refreshing.  This is no time for middle of the road ladies: go dark or go home.

Tara Gill

Nastasia Ohl

Shu Pei Qin

Bruna Tenorio

Blondes, you too can shine.  This season ice baby blonde shades give good glow.

Ginta Lapina

Natasha Poly