RHNY: Bloods vs. Crips

Bethenny disguised her stinger under that dress and the Countess backed right into it at the Pamella Roland show.  Bethenny came ready to play and wasn’t going to let good old fashioned decorum stand in her way.  Fashion show?  Church?  Who cares?  Let’s get our catfight on.

Whether the Countess meant her comment as a dig or not really didn’t matter, Bethenny came ready to unleash and needed nothing more than a hair trigger to drench LuAnn in vitriol.

Trust me, Bethenny‘s elephantine nutsack dwarfs the Count’s little French acorns.  In the midst of this fight, the Countess is wishing she had directed her anger at a less competent rival.  LuAnn ducked for cover by playing the Jill card, but the strategy splooged all over her pretty little face. Bethenny exposed LuAnn‘s liberal panty dropping policy for a second time this season and managed to chisel a crack in LuAnn and Jill‘s burgeoning friendship with one bitchy revelation.

As LuAnn scrambled for higher ground realizing it ain’t the bantamweight division, Bethenny went in for strike two calling LuAnn “a non-trustworthy competitive snake that gives compliments that are digs.”  Oh Bethenny, haven’t you realized?  You’ve just described the unfortunate nature of all women.

The Countess hurled a few half-hearted insults about Bethenny‘s nasty mouth before retreating to Kelly.  LuAnn compared Bethenny to a mad dog and it’s clear that she’s learned a valuable lesson.  Don’t go toe-to-toe with a Scorpio.

As Bethenny started to suffer bitch-out remorse, she and LuAnn silently seethed through the fashion show.  Ever-observant Kelly switched seats to plant her lips on Lisa Rinna’s ass thereby depriving the two combatants a buffer.

The Countess surfaced from the fight humiliated and outmatched while Bethenny unleashed a fire hose of fury where a sprinkle could have adequately extinguished the flame.  Bethenny won the battle, but don’t underestimate LuAnns capacity to fortify with back-up and take a stab at reclaiming her pride.

At fashion show number two, Ramona, Avery, and Kelly met up for more front-row revelry.  I know, I know, I shouldn’t attack the children, but I’m just going to say it.  Avery is a snotty little brat.  Maybe she’s just at that unlikable age, but her fifteen-year-old condescension chaps my ass.  Let’s hope she grows out of it, but let’s hope she gives Ramona holy hell through her teen years first.

Don’t ask someone why you weren’t invited to their party.  I promise you won’t like the answer.  You weren’t invited because the host doesn’t like you, dumbass.

Kelly pity-invited Ramona to the CoCoPerez party (don’t bother, he knows nothing about fashion and should stick to Britney cooch shots).  Jill, Ramona, and Kelly recap the LuAnn and Bethenny showdown.  Jill showed she obviously cares for Bethenny as she tears up thinking about the conflict.

In every interview Bethenny has done to promote this new season of RHNY she has emphasized that she was pregnant and didn’t drink.  So far we are four episodes into the season and Bethenny has got her skinnygirl on in every single episode, so if her baby is born with flippers, you’ll know why.

At the Skinnygirl lounge, Bethenny pushed nauseating morning-time margaritas on the girls as she nervously prattled.

Am I hallucinating or is this the best that Alex has ever looked?

Kelly confused Bethenny with her warm support, but with these two the nicey-nice is always a saccharin veneer.

L’chayim!  The three Jewesses (the smart one, the vain one, and the stretched one) kvetched through the cover shoot for their new book.  Gloria’s facelift does not play, but the woman does give good advice.  Mazel on your new book ladies!

Here we are at Phillipe with Bethenny again (drinking a skinnygirl, again), this time she met up with Ramona to trade information on the Bryant Park bombings.  Ramona wouldn’t give up the goods, but Bethenny again expressed pain over the discord between her and Jill.

For someone hosting a private dinner at Saks, you’d think Jill would know the difference between couture and ready-to-wear, and she somehow manages to make McQueen look like TadashiKelly doesn’t seem to understand that she’s built like a dude and shouldn’t put on furry vests that make her shoulders appear even broader.  Alex, back on the fashion shitwagon, showed up in an irrelevant blouse and jeans getup.  Me likey the Countess in purple; right dress, wrong earrings.

Nothing triggers quicker fury than smack talking someone’s kids.  Alex brought us the most sincere moment of the season when she confronted Jill regarding the François leg climbing incident.  Jill had the good sense to apologize and promise to do better.  If only she could apply the same common sense and humility to her dispute with Bethenny.

Ramona, bottle deep in pinot grigio, feigned deep sympathy over the finality of LuAnn‘s divorce before launching into the tit offensive.

Presiding over the table, Ramona loudly described Kelly‘s east and west facing breastage complete with gesticulations and inquiries as to whether Kelly had ’em redone for the Playboy shoot.  Kadooze Ramona, Kadooze!

Kelly gets super pissed and decides to pack up her fur vest and hit the road (in her Dodge pick-up, right?)  Despite her questionable volume and timing, Ramona does have a point.  If your fake tittays are so private, then why put them in Playboy for the whole effing world to see?