At the dinner with odd seating arrangements, Bethenny spread some juicy De Lesseps adultery gossip that she’s been waiting to strategically reveal.  Is Patrón sponsoring Ramona?  Two episodes, two Patrón product placements, coincidence or endorsement deal?  Nice cupcakes Bethenny.

Teatime with Rosie and LuAnn left no question in my mind why Rosie left “Mrs. D” and her grubby children behind in the Hamptons and took a better position in the city.  

LuAnn continually reasserts her perceived superiority with comments like, “This is a nice switch Rosie, I’m bringing you the tea now,” and “I have a new girl, so it is a lot of work to teach someone new how to do everything that you like them to do, so it is actually double the work.”  Bitch shut up and do your own God Damn laundry.

LuAnn literally chokes on the word divorce during her conversation with Rosie.  She mostly fishes for reassurance with needy questions like, “Do you miss us?” and “How do I look?” (Truthfully LuAnn, the prints are a bit much.)  To top it off, Ms. Manners then says, “You look good too, you kept your weight off.”

Jill did tell Ramona that she was calling on LuAnn’s phone, so Ramona should have considered that LuAnn may be within earshot.  Ultimately however, it was Jill’s responsibility to disclose to Ramona that LuAnn was sitting right there.  Thankfully, she didn’t, and we were treated to a rare, uncensored, honest moment.  I doubt anyone is particularly shocked that the Countess got down behind the Count’s back, but I am shocked and thrilled Ramona called her on her bullshit. 

Jesus, Bethenny loves Phillippe.  Is Jason Hoppy the East Coast Slade Smiley?  Is he sincere or did that move-in-together speech feel a little rehearsed and contrived?  Maybe I’m just cynical, but it feels like he’s trying to play white knight.  Without more information, I’m reserving judgment on Hoppy for now. 

WTF is Kelly wearing?  Are there shorts under there?  Why could the Playboy announcement not wait until after lunch?  The Countess is clearly concerned about her steaks.  Was that not the longest, most irrelevant prologue ever?  First off bitch, John Mayer was the big interview in that issue.  Second, Jill and/or the Countess would JUMP at the opportunity to do Playboy if asked.  Third, Noel can’t wait to jerk off at the very notion of Kelly in a MILF spread. 

Who would have thought we’d ever see LuAnn and Ramona fight over Silex?  The childish dispute erupted into a power struggle between the two camps with a bewildered Alex acting as the rope in Jill and Ramona’s tug of war, and Silex could not be more flattered with all the fuss.

Welcome back UpperEastSiders, Gossip Girl returns with Chuck as queeny as ever, Blair lacking luster, and Jenny whipping up pharmy couture.

I can see Serena’s tights through her knitwear.  Has the Gossip Girl wardrobe department cut back on the Spanx budget?  The chemistry between Nate and Serena creates some much needed fire.  As two equally attractive people, their union rebalances the Gossip Girl universe.

Damn, the UES drug dealers truly provide top shelf service.  Darling, I’d like a side order of cookies with my Dolls too.  Foolish Lilly should have been suspicious at the mention of the word “cookie” since Jenny hasn’t actually consumed food since early 2008.

Channeling Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, Blair peaked pouting it up in a faux fur Russian hat, black silk romper, elbow length gloves, and knee-high fur trimmed boots.  Sadly, she took a sharp plunge style-wise when she inadvertently aged herself fifty years in that Barbara Walters sequin cocktail jacket and earrings unironically resurrected from 1989.

One of the many problems with this show is that it lacks overarching story lines which support a cohesive season.  Everybody makes up and breaks up within an episode or two so I’m never very invested in their mini-dramas.  And seriously, who goes to this many parties?  Every single week with the fucking galas, enough already.

I stick around for perfectly delivered lines like, “Way of the clog, an ugly wooden shoe that tried to make a statement then disappeared.”

Chance encounters with witty writing never lift Gossip Girl above mediocrity. Why bother with pesky writing when you can rely on the bewitching enchantment of Serena’s weave and rack?

The new season three opener features Jason as Bethenny’s dog trainer, Simon pouting in the background with Johan and Francois, and a Count-less Countess. 2009 brought quite a few changes for the NYC Housewives and this season we get to enjoy the fallout.

We begin in the Hamptons at the end of summer; Jill and the Countess strut down the dock towards Ramona’s rented yacht. Ramona greets the girls over-enthusiastically in a gauze butt wrap. The “renewed” Ramona’s haircut looks budget and her eyes are crazier then ever. Alex is still surprised she’s invited, but her makeup looks better this season. She must have finally exhausted her pre-layoff Victoria’s Secret Beauty stockpile.

A rougher looking Countess, channeling all her misdirected divorce rage, confronts Ramona regarding Mario’s Count-less comment and Bethenny over last season’s surfing snark.  Later, when Kelly asks her how she’s doing after the divorce, her unresolved pain is palpable.  I think we can look forward to LuAnn totally unhinging this season as she has clearly not mourned the loss of her prestige.  How many times did she say, “My marriage of sixteen years?”

It seems like Bethenny already has her own show, she barely interacts with the other housewives at all this episode.  When talking to her assistant about Turks and Caicos, Bethenny seemed defensive.  Perhaps because deep down she knows she hasn’t been a very good friend to Jill or LuAnn this year?  Come on Bethenny, own it!

Bethenny’s totally enmeshed in Jason, but is trying to cover it with Vicki Gunvalson’s mantra, “I’m working, I’m working.”  Bethenny’s puppy-love saccharine persona comes off totally disingenuous.  When she says her relationship with Jason is “easy” why does it seem like she’s gritting her teeth?

Bethenny’s self-centered behavior aside, I’m not sure Jill’s expectations were realistic concerning Bethenny’s response to Bobby’s cancer.  Ditto with LuAnn’s expectation that Bethenny “hug” her during the aftermath of her divorce.

For the big finish, Bethenny drives two hours from Montauk to the Hamptons in her Skinnygirlmobile to meet LuAnn at a new tapas bar for a rescheduled drinks date.  The two attempt to distract from the thick tension with lame restaurant chatter before launching into tense crossfire.  The whole meeting felt forced, if they are both so busy and pissy at each other, then why bother?

This fight seems to be about something else.   At one point Bethenny says to the Countess, “We’re not great friends for a very specific reason.” These two don’t seem like genuine friends and probably wouldn’t even talk if not for this show.  So basically this entire scene is, to quote Frankel, “encased in something that is not true.”

I’ve been looking forward to this season, but I’m concerned it might be mired in the artificial constructs of forced relationships manipulated for the benefit of each housewife’s own commercial self-promotion.  And with Jill and Bethenny on the outs, will the show have any heart?