Monthly Archives: April 2010

RHNY: Throw the Baby Out With the Press Release

Bethenny acted confounded that Perez posted her pregnancy.  Bitch you took a God Damn pregnancy test in front of a fucking camera crew.  Don’t act like suddenly that shit is sacred and secret.  Bethenny plotted to exploit this baby from conception and has put everything up for sale along the way.The Cuntess visited Sonja’s pied-à-merde when Jill called to dis her informal invitations and discuss the Bethenny pregnancy bombshell.Jill seemed to think she was entitled to have an opinion on the status of Bethenny’s uterus.  None of the three had any details, so they rehashed their own pregnancy war stories before deciding Bethenny didn’t warrant an invite to Cuntess’s Couture and Cocktails event.

Meanwhile, Bethenny attempted bump-watch damage control at her Upper East Side efficiency.  She unceremoniously dropped the revelation on Jason without preamble.  He was understandably upset that the news broke before he had a chance to tell his parents and friends. Bethenny proclaimed that she had to confirm the pregnancy.  Bullshit.  Bethenny did not have to confirm her pregnancy that early.  Yes, people read Perez, but no one considers him a legitimate or accurate news source.  She could have easily kept her mouth shut and bought herself some time.  Bethenny used her pregnancy to gain traction for her spin-off and probably dropped the tip on Perez herself.Don’t believe her poor-me lack of privacy song and dance.  To put it in perspective, Sandra Bullock adopted a child at the height of her Oscar race frenzy and she was able to keep it under wraps.  If A-list, hyper-examined Sandra Bullock can keep an adopted child secret for months, Bethenny easily could have kept her news quiet.Jill met up with Jennifer Gilbert (new housewife?) to plan an ice skating themed holiday party:  Zarin’s Holiday Party on Ice.  After name-dropping Donald Trump, the two considered whether Jill should do a solo skating number for the crowd.  Seriously?  Sounds like Jill’s super sweet sixteen.  Fucking Gross.

Sonja brought Ramona to Dr. Bellin’s office for a plastic surgery consult on her “pooch.”Ramona questioned the Doc’s credentials and ran him through his paces as he looked regretful he’d let a camera crew in his office.  Sonja thinks her belly is her problem when it is actually her personality that could use an upgrade.

Bethenny broke the pregnancy news to Alex who seemed genuinely enthusiastic about sharing gestational intel.Jill had the audacity to send Bethenny an email directing her how and when to disseminate the pregnancy news.  This lead Alex to encourage Bethenny to let her deliver a message to Jill that “Bethenny’s done!”  Alex, having built up a significant amount of animosity towards Jill over the past three years was more than happy to confront Jill on Bethenny’s behalf. Jill and Bobby taped a segment for the local news, and when I say Jill and Bobby, I mean Jill let Bobby get three words out before she hijacked the interview leaving him looking like a confused senior citizen.  Nice suit though Bobby.Sonja met up with her psychic to discuss her potential tummy tuck.  The most notable part of this scene was the full size self-portrait hanging in the background.  I only thought women in the South hung life-size self-portraits of themselves in their homes.What the fuck is Kelly wearing to Ramona’s Tru Renewal launch?  Bright-ass red hot pants, totally appropriate.Jill criticized every possible aspect of the event.  First she nit-picked Ramona’s brochure picture, then the unoriginality of the product, and even the healthiness of the food, all to avenge Ramona for “ruining” her Kodak event.Alex arrived and shortly thereafter Ramona received a bottle of congratulatory Pinot Grigio from Bethenny with a pregnancy confessing card attached.  Alex and Ramona bragged that they had already heard through Twitter, and Jill ignited at not being the first to know. Alex bragged that she had talked to Bethenny for forty-five minutes about the pregnancy that afternoon before the People article came out.  Twitter, People, oh no, Bethenny’s not a shameless press hound exploiting her unborn child for fame.Alex painfully delayed the message ratcheting the anticipation through the rafters.  By the time she actually spit it out, the crowd had already turned on her.It goes without saying that it was not Alex’s place to deliver Bethenny’s animus to Jill, but if she felt compelled to get involved she should have been more strategic.  Alex aimed to humiliate Jill, but her amateur approach left her looking like the asshole and Jill in tears.

Alex brought maternity jeans to Bethenny along with a recap of the debacle from the night before.  Alex confessed that confronting Jill had more to do with her underlying anger than her allegiance to Bethenny. Bethenny could clearly give a fuck.  She has her man, morning sickness, media frenzy, a spin-off, and is taking her empire to the next level leaving behind these petty cows for greener pastures.

are Birkins over?

In 1984, Hermès named the Birkin bag after the impeccably chic Jane Birkin after her fortuitous run in with the chairman of Hermès on a Paris-London flight.At one time, the Birkin was the most coveted handbag in the world due to its scarcity and expense.

It is a beautiful bag, but how exclusive can it really be when Lindsay has one….

and Posh has several….

and even this hot fucking mess has more than a few?

Nevertheless, if you still find Birkins interesting check out Bringing Home the Birkin by Michael Tonello.  This book contains all the dirt on getting a Birkin and demystifies the unusual (but brilliant) anti-marketing culture over at Hermès.

Countess LuAnn Drops a Deuce

We’ve Got Spirits Yes We Do. We’ve Got Spirits How ‘Bout You?

This week Dean jetted off to NYC to promote a project even more D-List than a movie of the week – a sequel to a movie of the week called Santa Baby 2. While little asshole Liam snubbed his Dad, Tori made small talk while she waited for overpriced red velvet cupcakes to arrive at Dean’s hotel room. I’m sure they served as a nice nightcap to the wild night of coke and hookers he had planned while away from the McDermott Baby Factory.As many of you have heard, Bori and Mean’s fairy godmother granted them a multi-million dollar development deal with Oxygen.  One of the shows rumored in production is a wedding-themed show where Dean and Tori orchestrate nuptials for what I can only imagine are desperate couples.  The Brandy wedding story line is a clear attempt to introduce the concept of the spin-off.  For this event, Tori will double as planner and bridesmaid while Stella plays flower girl.

Man polish is more than a little gay.Told you he was a bully.

In the haunted McMansion, Tori and Mehran learned that Liam’s been courting the dark side while Stella’s suffering from crib-side cold spots.  This lead Tori and Mehran to call Mama Lola (captured beautifully by Whoopi Goldberg in an episode of So noTORIous.)The real life Mama Lola and her spiritual lackey Zaar dropped by to balance Tori’s mojo.  Miss Clairvoyant determined Tori’s preoccupied with Dean’s philandering by consulting with her magic oracle deck of playing cards.

Man-tunic wearing Zaar, channeling Otho from Beetle Juice, declared that two dead guys were chilling in the baby’s room sending Tori into a paranormal tailspin. Meanwhile downstairs, Mama Lola prepared Tori’s ritual cleanse.

Stripped down to her silicone, Tori rubbed burning voodoo tonic all over her body while Mama Lola repeatedly insisted “it’s not cold.”Mama Lola ordered Tori to wash her wcoocoon (booboon?  raccoon?) sending Tori into a flaming woodle dance as Mehran and Zaar cackled in the background.

Dean returned from NYC with gifts for the children.  He handed out candy to the kids and then chastised Tori for giving them the whole bag.  Dick you brought the M&M’s, why don’t you ration them appropriately if you are so pussy-hurt about it?Dean blew off the family his first day back to pimp some motorcycle crap that no one cares about.  This is a man in his mid-forties and he acts like Nick Hogan.  No surprise, they are both tribe douche. Again, instead of putting her Louboutin down on his nutsack, Tori let that shit slide and sought refuge in her gays.  While sorting through pictures under the pretext of organizing, Tori found barf bags with puppy love proclamations from the early days of their courtship.  She presented Dean with the nauseating mementos while they both sentimentalized Tori and Dean: the adultery years.

Both of these narcissists lack the insight to see that their marriage will never feel like their affair.  Tori has become the woman Dean left for her.  She married a serial cheater and it’s only a matter of time before she suffers a Sandra Bullock-style public humiliation.

Give Good Face

When it comes to giving good face nothing beats Bobbi Brown foundation and concealer.  Even if you go drugstore on every other product, a high quality base is worth the investment, and Bobbi is the gold standard.

Bobbi Brown’s strength as a cosmetic line rests with the creamy, blendable face make-up.  When it comes to eyeshadow, blush, and bronzer — go elsewhere.

Sunday Morning With Gemma

Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right….

Aujourd’hui, c’est pour les amis.

RHNY: Bethenny Puts the Gag in Engagement

At Zarin’s Upper East Side shitstorm, Jill summoned for an veterinarian that does house calls (AKA, your friend Abby’s daughter Cindy from the synagogue) to address Ginger’s digestive issues.  Jill’s been knee deep in it all season and this was no exception.  Was this really the best footage Bravo had to start the hour?  Gross.  Moving on…

Over at the Borough, Bethenny broke engagement news to Alex.  I’m guessing we’ll see the proposal footage on Bethenny’s Getting Married, you know that shit did not go unfilmed.  Side note to Alex, no one wants quiche. Bethenny grimaced at the idea of a Central Park carriage princess wedding, but she filmed her “low-key” nuptials for a fucking reality show.

Ladies, when you announce your engagement don’t assume that everyone wants to see your ring.  Save the tacky unsolicited gesticulation; offer your hand only if asked.

Ramona and her little cunt in training Avery sat down to a little mother-daughter lunch where Avery’s pretentious ass special ordered a dish not on the menu.

Truffle oil?  Okay Blair Waldorf.  By the way, clear braces aren’t fooling anyone.  Avery has thirteen year old foundation issues.  Mothers, guide your daughters away from the nasty orange Cover Girl base.

Even though she’s a condescending snot, Avery’s perceptive enough to see Ramona’s vow renewal for what it is – an unabashed grab for camera time, and she clearly wants no part of it, but Ramona wore her down with the crazy.

In search of her pied-à-terre, Countess LuAnn faced the cold, harsh reality of the post-divorce NYC housing market.  After looking at a couple of 9 by Design looking joints downtown, she realized she is, in the immortal words of Billy Joel, “an uptown girl.”

You can spring for a building with a doorman, but that is just going to lull you into a false sense of security.  Your doorman is not going to lay his life down for you or anything, so if you want to pay extra for someone to collect your packages, have at it, but don’t trick yourself into believing it is any safer.

At Pierre’s, Sonja and LuAnn discussed the negative behavioral side-effects of taking Adderall for weight loss.  Sonja was concerned her Sagittarian nature paired with the Adderall might further impede her ability to self-edit.  By the way, railing that shit will make you jitterier than Nic Cage on tax day, Trust.  Don’t fuck with that pharmy shit, it’s nasty.Kelly bristled at the notion that she and Sonja shared a man in the form of MaxKelly thinks she has a platinum pussy or something.  Kelly worked to create the impression that Sonja was much more into Max than she was, but we all remember her throwing herself all over him in those stupid fucking rain boots last season.

Sonja pointedly inquired as to whether Giles stepped out on Kelly during their marriage and the conversation turned really awkward as it became clear all three of these women were cheated on by their husbands. RHNY quick-study Sonja took the opportunity to discuss all the suitors rotating in and out of LuAnn’s cooch — which has become a fun weekly tradition this season.

Kelly, retire the fucking doily dresses.  You wore a similar grandma lacy frock on Labor Day.  Fugly then, fugly now, fugly forever.Did Sonja actually bust out a pashmina?Bethenny worked the party announcing her engagement.  Kelly broke the news to Jill and LuAnn in her typical non sequitur, self-important manner.“First news flash is that I’m dressing really feminine.  That’s a big news flash.  The second news flash, Bethenny’s engaged.”What is this random bitch talking about?  Right after Kelly broke the news, Jason came over to the Witches of Eastwick to lap up congratulations and troll for hugs.  Why is he trolling hugs from Jill anyway?

LuAnn congratulated Bethenny and then confronted her about the Jill Stuart fash-attack.  Bethenny apologized looking like she just wanted to dismiss the whole thing away so it wouldn’t sully her big night. LuAnn took it and ran into the arms of a nearby bachelor, thereby reinforcing her burgeoning reputation as the biggest slutbag on the Upper East Side.Jill, alienated by not being at the center of the engagement brouhaha, vacillated all night over whether to congratulate Bethenny.  After rounding up Bobby for moral support, Jill decided she better say something or risk looking shitty in front of her adoring public.Bethenny, Jason, Ramona, and Mario congregated outside waiting for their cars and talking shit when Jill rushed out abrasively calling Bethenny’s name.  Her anxiety was palpable and the whole exchange felt very insincere and forced.Jill nervously focused her enthusiasm on the ring while Bethenny iced her.  Bethenny and Jill are over and I’m over it too.

The most interesting part of the whole exchange was when Jill was fawning over the ring and Jason directed Bethenny, “Babe, Babe, Smile!” Who the fuck are you Jason?  You just fucking got here.  Don’t start telling people how and when to emote.  This is foreshadowing people, Bethenny does not like to be told what to do.