RHNY: Bethenny Puts the Gag in Engagement

At Zarin’s Upper East Side shitstorm, Jill summoned for an veterinarian that does house calls (AKA, your friend Abby’s daughter Cindy from the synagogue) to address Ginger’s digestive issues.  Jill’s been knee deep in it all season and this was no exception.  Was this really the best footage Bravo had to start the hour?  Gross.  Moving on…

Over at the Borough, Bethenny broke engagement news to Alex.  I’m guessing we’ll see the proposal footage on Bethenny’s Getting Married, you know that shit did not go unfilmed.  Side note to Alex, no one wants quiche. Bethenny grimaced at the idea of a Central Park carriage princess wedding, but she filmed her “low-key” nuptials for a fucking reality show.

Ladies, when you announce your engagement don’t assume that everyone wants to see your ring.  Save the tacky unsolicited gesticulation; offer your hand only if asked.

Ramona and her little cunt in training Avery sat down to a little mother-daughter lunch where Avery’s pretentious ass special ordered a dish not on the menu.

Truffle oil?  Okay Blair Waldorf.  By the way, clear braces aren’t fooling anyone.  Avery has thirteen year old foundation issues.  Mothers, guide your daughters away from the nasty orange Cover Girl base.

Even though she’s a condescending snot, Avery’s perceptive enough to see Ramona’s vow renewal for what it is – an unabashed grab for camera time, and she clearly wants no part of it, but Ramona wore her down with the crazy.

In search of her pied-à-terre, Countess LuAnn faced the cold, harsh reality of the post-divorce NYC housing market.  After looking at a couple of 9 by Design looking joints downtown, she realized she is, in the immortal words of Billy Joel, “an uptown girl.”

You can spring for a building with a doorman, but that is just going to lull you into a false sense of security.  Your doorman is not going to lay his life down for you or anything, so if you want to pay extra for someone to collect your packages, have at it, but don’t trick yourself into believing it is any safer.

At Pierre’s, Sonja and LuAnn discussed the negative behavioral side-effects of taking Adderall for weight loss.  Sonja was concerned her Sagittarian nature paired with the Adderall might further impede her ability to self-edit.  By the way, railing that shit will make you jitterier than Nic Cage on tax day, Trust.  Don’t fuck with that pharmy shit, it’s nasty.Kelly bristled at the notion that she and Sonja shared a man in the form of MaxKelly thinks she has a platinum pussy or something.  Kelly worked to create the impression that Sonja was much more into Max than she was, but we all remember her throwing herself all over him in those stupid fucking rain boots last season.

Sonja pointedly inquired as to whether Giles stepped out on Kelly during their marriage and the conversation turned really awkward as it became clear all three of these women were cheated on by their husbands. RHNY quick-study Sonja took the opportunity to discuss all the suitors rotating in and out of LuAnn’s cooch — which has become a fun weekly tradition this season.

Kelly, retire the fucking doily dresses.  You wore a similar grandma lacy frock on Labor Day.  Fugly then, fugly now, fugly forever.Did Sonja actually bust out a pashmina?Bethenny worked the party announcing her engagement.  Kelly broke the news to Jill and LuAnn in her typical non sequitur, self-important manner.“First news flash is that I’m dressing really feminine.  That’s a big news flash.  The second news flash, Bethenny’s engaged.”What is this random bitch talking about?  Right after Kelly broke the news, Jason came over to the Witches of Eastwick to lap up congratulations and troll for hugs.  Why is he trolling hugs from Jill anyway?

LuAnn congratulated Bethenny and then confronted her about the Jill Stuart fash-attack.  Bethenny apologized looking like she just wanted to dismiss the whole thing away so it wouldn’t sully her big night. LuAnn took it and ran into the arms of a nearby bachelor, thereby reinforcing her burgeoning reputation as the biggest slutbag on the Upper East Side.Jill, alienated by not being at the center of the engagement brouhaha, vacillated all night over whether to congratulate Bethenny.  After rounding up Bobby for moral support, Jill decided she better say something or risk looking shitty in front of her adoring public.Bethenny, Jason, Ramona, and Mario congregated outside waiting for their cars and talking shit when Jill rushed out abrasively calling Bethenny’s name.  Her anxiety was palpable and the whole exchange felt very insincere and forced.Jill nervously focused her enthusiasm on the ring while Bethenny iced her.  Bethenny and Jill are over and I’m over it too.

The most interesting part of the whole exchange was when Jill was fawning over the ring and Jason directed Bethenny, “Babe, Babe, Smile!” Who the fuck are you Jason?  You just fucking got here.  Don’t start telling people how and when to emote.  This is foreshadowing people, Bethenny does not like to be told what to do.