A very good friend (shout out to HIL) visited recently and introduced me to Goody Spin Pins, corkscrew-shaped hair accessories that tuck into hair holding it invisibly and securely.
These things fucking rule. One pin screwed in from the top and one pin screwed in from the bottom keep hair in place even through a vigorous workout. These babies don’t crease hair like a ponytail holder, so when you pull them out you’re left with soft waves instead of kinks. They twist in and twist out: no snagging, pulling, or damage.
They come in two-per-pack blond and brunette shades, but it really doesn’t matter because they don’t show. Thanks to all the up-do craving brides and bridesmaids, you may have trouble finding these little do-dads. Stay the course and seek them out; you won’t be sorry.
When it comes to incense, stick to Nag Champa or Super Hit. Everything else smells like a nasty, smoky, perfumey, headachey mess.
Nag Champa clobbers farts, weed, cooking smells, and pet odors leaving behind a pleasant mellow after scent.
Whether it has psychoactive properties is debatable, but it has been favored in ashrams for centuries.
Derived from the Ailanthus Malabarica tree, Nag Champa brings a little India to you (without the long flight and the dysentery).
Kelly got the hell outta dodge and the women greeted the day dining alfresco and celebrated the first moments of peace we’ve seen all season.
Peace Out Kelly!
Oh, no this bitch didn’t….
Oh, yes this bitch did…
Jill was justifiably super hurt. Not inviting Jill and Bobby to stay was fucking cut-throat. These bitches don’t play. In an 11,000 square foot house Ramona couldn’t tuck the Zarins in a corner for one night?
Later on, Sonja and Alex threw Ramona and Bethenny mini-bridal showers. Alex and Simon visited the sex store and picked up some bondage gear for Ramona and Mario to enjoy; too bad they forgot the ball gag.
Toilet paper bridal couture.
Back in NYC, Jill met up with LuAnn, Jen, and later Kelly to dissect the St. John drama.
LuAnn gave Jill an I-told-you-so before chastising Kelly for calling Bethenny a ho-bag. Kelly talked a bunch of crazy revisionist nonsense and by the end of the lunch failed to engender support from the home team.
Sonja threw another random party which gave Ramona and Bethenny the opportunity to give their side of Kelly’s St. John meltdown. The two put on a persuasive case which led LuAnn to doubt the veracity of Kelly’s version.
Jill and Jen talked final touches and swag bags for Jill’s super sweet sixteen ice skating party.
Jill conveniently sat Lisa down in front of a promo for their new book to discuss calling Bethenny to ask her for lunch. Jill doesn’t get it, it’s too little, too late.
Jill called Bethenny and secured a lunch. This gave her the peace of mind to bust out her skating leotard.
Then she busted her ass.
During the cocktail hour of the holiday party, Ramona and Kelly had it out over Kelly’s perception she was attacked in St. John.
Ramona tried to postpone the discush for later, but Kelly forced the issue and accused Ramona of putting her in an awkward position. Ramona stood her ground regarding her recollection of events, but offered Kelly an apology for any hurt feelings. In the end, the two hugged it out.
In the spirit of emotional housekeeping, Ramona pulled Jill aside to make sure they were cool after the St. John shoo away.
Jill listened for the first time all season, and they too were able to reach an understanding before the evening’s end.
Even though peace was made among several of the women this episode, one major conflict continued boil behind the scenes. Next week during the grand finale of the season (and Jill and Bethenny’s friendship), the former BFFs sit down for a ladies who lunch tête-à-tête where I predict Bethenny’s going to tell Jill to fuck off once and for all.
Before you rush out to the new SATC movie (which looks like it sucks balls) do your SJP homework.
GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN
After the Nightline Jesse White Devil James interview last night the mainstream media has focused on his confession of childhood abuse as a explanation for his philandering. Fuck that shit. Here are the lessons to take away from the interview to avoid becoming Sandra Bullock.
Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. This man procreated with a porn star. Enough said. 
Your suspicions are right. Jesse admitted that Sandra had suspicions of cheating, and he lied to cover his tracks. If you are suspicious, you have reason to be. Don’t listen to what he says, look at what he does.
Before Sandra married Jesse she expressed skepticism on the institution of marriage itself. Don’t want to get divorced? Don’t get married. 
Beauty is no inoculation against infidelity. You may be the hottest shit ever, but that won’t prevent a pig from cheating. Never allow a narcissist’s flattery to cloud your judgment.
Sephora has brilliantly addressed my concerns with the LashStash Mascara Deluxe Sampler. This 10 piece sample size collection of Sephora’s best selling mascaras provides high-end quality at drugstore prices. Below, see details on the first five formulations; I will follow up with the final five and an award for “best of” in a future post.
At $39 for 10 generous sample size mascaras the LashStash Mascara Sampler can easily take care of your mascara needs for a year. Even the mascaras I don’t love in this collection exceed the quality of drugstore brands. The single biggest difference? None of these high quality mascaras flake like the cheap ones do. Consider me converted.
Bori and Mean cooked up a particularly contrived episode this week by challenging each other to lame activities geared towards conquering each other’s fears. Side note: Tori modeled the world’s fugliest top.
A subplot this week revolved around redecorating the family room. This too takes the form of a dare when Mean challenged Bori to stay on budget, and Bori in turn challenged Mean to stay out of the design process. Dean drafted a contract and signed it in blood.
One part of the design process both could agree on was knocking down a wall and replacing it with French doors. 
Tori and Mehran decided that the salon was the most appropriate place to hold their Little Maven biznass meeting. The stylist looked thrilled.
Meanwhile, Dean attended the dance class that Tori signed him up for in an attempt to face his fear of dancing in public and “get in touch with his body.”
Some fears should not be overcome. Fear is a gift designed to protect, and in this case Dean removed the only barrier separating him from humiliation.
Tori drug Mehran to some abandoned haunted hospital to face her fear of things designed to scare her. 
The two brave adventurers congratulated themselves before taking their color coordinated asses back to the kitchen to mock Dean’s dance routine.
Coco clearly objected.
Back at the house, Liam made a mess with the paint and shit his pants while Tori and James debated colors.
Dean returned home to a new living room and dropped the track days news on Tori. Her response was guarded, but optimistic.
Stella got ready to visit animal jail, otherwise known as the San Diego Zoo.
A polar bear rattled the loose cage on the new exhibit and for a second I hoped the bear would spring forth and slaughter a by-standing Denise Richards, but that would actually make this show interesting and would therefore never happen.
Anyone who has been to the relentlessly hilly San Diego Zoo resented this celebrity carting around nonsense. I’d like to see this skinny bitch push a double-wide stroller up those hills like all the other Moms.
Bori terrorized the giraffe.
Episode Highlight: Liam on snakes, “I like snakes, yes they tickle my hair and my wiener and they love me.”
After the zoo, Mehran offered to watch the the kids with Scout while Tori and Dean went out for dinner. This “surprise date” was obviously planned well in advance since all these reality shows have to get permission to film. 
Tori texted throughout dinner which rightfully pissed Dean off. After she put down the phone, the two awkwardly stared at each other proving the only thing holding these two together is the kids.
