Monthly Archives: May 2010

PRADA MARFA

EDUCATED

An Education encapsulates that perilous time between girlhood and womanhood where life changing mistakes are made or avoided.  The problem with sixteen is that you think you know everything and you actually don’t know shit.  Even the smartest sixteen year-olds are fucking stupid due to a lack of fully developed frontal lobe reasoning.  For proof, see Sixteen and Pregnant which demonstrates this reasoning deficit episode after episode.Carey Mulligan plays Jenny, a bright-eyed high school co-ed in 1960′s England.  Jenny’s at the tender age where she still thinks existentialism is interesting.  Even though she’s clever, she’s naive and falls deliriously in love with what she perceives as an older, wiser man. Without spoiling the story, let me just say that you should be very suspicious of the advances of a significantly older suitor.  Eventually you will age and these men never age out of their Lolita complex.  He will trade you in for a younger version, Trust.  An Education proves that you should never let flattery cloud your judgment.

Sunday with Karen

Show Me Your TEETH

TEETH is a weird little cult film that breaks all the rules of the horror genre. TEETH is the cinematic inverse of a rape fantasy.  Imagine if your minge had fangs and anybody that violated it got chomped.You may not recognize the star, Jess Weixler, but she has three films currently in post-production.  Get to know her here first.TEETH manifests deep primal castration anxiety, and therefore viewing this film may make cause your dick to retreat.

RHNY: KELLY BENPSYCHO

The morning after brought the ladies together for breakfast and a regurgitation of last night’s cook vs. chef argument with a sprinkling of ho-bag thrown in as a little hair of the dog.  Tears, peanut-butter cookies, and F-bombs over breakfast, it’s going to be a doozey of an episode.

Ramona rented St. John’s version of Paloma Picasso’s Moroccan mansion.  This amazing waterfront property is fucking gorgeous, right?  Luxury wasted on the wicked.

Bethenny put together a shwag bag for the girls which rubbed Kelly the wrong way.  She called it impersonal even though the bag was personalized with her fucking initials.  Kelly had a good pity cry before calling Jill for an island to mainland pep talk.  In this discush, Kelly accused Bethenny of having in-your-face DD size fake tits.  Isn’t it a well known fact Kelly’s east-west facing breastage resulted from surgical augmentation?  This bitch is bananas foster.

The next morning, Bethenny womanned the stove while Kelly busted out with her complaint pad.  Kelly offered to take photographs of the women on the beach in between repetitiously mentioning her stupid complaint pad.  After unsuccessfully baiting Bethenny, Kelly left to work out her man body.

At the world’s most embarrassing and uncomfortable photo shoot, Kelly donned her photographer birth-control glasses as she cajoled cougartastic poses from the middle-aged saggy sorority sisters.  Here’s the thing Kelly, just because Giles Bensimon put his wang in your cooter does not mean that you absorbed any of his photographic talent.

After a week’s respite from Jill Zarin, she and the Cuntess met up to stir the cauldron over dinner.  Jill revealed that Kelly’s been calling her from St. John expressing distress.  This cry for help was all the persuasion Jill needed to drop in on the group unannounced.  Jill described an idyllic fantasy scene where she and Bethenny would sit on the beach and mend fences.  Don’t hold your breath Zarin.

Bethenny decided to put her mise en place where her mouth is and prepared dinner for the group.  Kelly took a page from the Alexis Bellino playbook and brought her self-important child-parent cell phone call to dinner.  Ramona did not enjoy this and the two hens pecked at each other before the martinis and appetizers were served.Kelly continued to snipe and complain a little too loudly about the food, the conversation, and the company casting a negative cloud over the meal. 

Sonja and Ramona raved about the food which looked traditional and well presented. Ramona mentioned she hadn’t heard from JillKelly confessed that she had, and that Jill asked her about Bethenny. As Benpsycho continued her romp down crazy lane, Ramona attempted to formally apologize for the Brooklyn Bridge beat down.  Kelly interrupted Ramona’s efforts which caused her to grab Bethenny and flee.  Bethenny did an I-told-you-so-dance while Ramona acknowledged that Kelly was indeed couscous.Kelly pontificated about the day’s photography sesh before skewing the conversation towards criticizing Alex for her Bethenny bulletin at Ramona’s Tru Renewal launch.  Alex has never been quick on the draw, she’s a woman who needs to  strategize exactly how she is going to respond – probably with Simon’s help.  Rather than countering Kelly’s attack by complimenting her mad tuck game, Alex fled with Bethenny while Ramona cackled trailing behind.

Sonja actually made herself somewhat relevant by sticking around and looking Kelly in the eye and telling her she was insulting, defensive, crazy, and weird.  Kelly fixated on Bethenny’s alleged planting of negative press about her kids and even accused her of attacking her friend “Gwyneth.”

Things got a little Lord of the Flies with Kelly criticizing Bethenny’s choice to travel after her Dad’s death and Bethenny screaming at Kelly to “GO TO SLEEP!”  The group vacillated between sympathizing and demonizing Benpsycho.

Surprisingly, Bethenny ended up diffusing the fight by telling Kelly she wasn’t attacking her and didn’t plant bad press about her.  Bethenny’s reassurances seemed to calm Kelly down and once they poured some Pinot Grigio on it everything seemed all good. The girls shouldn’t get too comfortable with peace, hurricane Jill rolls through St. John next week.

Grateful for You

LCD SOUNDSYSTEM: This is Happening

So everyone has a big boner over the new LCD Soundsystem album This is Happening, but my dick’s only half hard.

Murphy channels a Disintegration-era Robert Smith with a little Morrissey thrown in for controversy.  LCD makes a sharp left down New Wave lane on Drunk Girls and I Can Change conjures Erasure.  That’s not to say the record doesn’t feel new, it does. This is Happening passes as a decent dance party but definitely not a club-banger, and perhaps a little unworthy of all the hyperbolic praise.  If you like New Order or Hot Chip, you’ll probably like this too.

On Hosting

There are very clear and distinct rules for hosting an overnight guest.  If hosting is done properly, a lot of preparation and careful forethought is required.First, you must clean.  You must clean above and beyond your normal routine.   If you don’t have a normal cleaning routine, you are a filthy pig and don’t deserve a visit anyway.Guests should never have to confront your pubes on the toilet, your hair in the shower, or a dirty bathmat.  The accommodations you provide for your guests should exceed the standards of cleanliness at a four star hotel.  Even if your accommodations are modest, they must be impeccably clean.Your guest needs a place to put his or her things.  Provide empty shelves in the bathroom and hanging space for clothing.  Think about what you need when you stay somewhere, provide extra towels, extra blankets, ear plugs, and any little extra luxury your guest might enjoy.

As a guest, be respectful and use only the guest bathroom.  Keep your things in your assigned space and not scattered about your host’s home.  Respect each others privacy. Guests, you’ve got three days.  That’s it.  Hosting well is an art and it can be tiring.  To ensure a repeat invitation always leave your host wanting more.

Daria

After a long delay due to music rights disputes, Daria is now available on DVD (albeit minus most of the original music).

The eight disc set includes both Daria movies, Is it Fall Yet? and Is it College Yet?, in addition to the black and white pilot.

Daria’s one of the driest, sharpest shows ever (animated or not).  It serves as a well-written intelligent counterpoint to South Park’s relentless misogyny.  Plus, I still kind of have a boner for Trent.

Excuse me, I have a very important meeting with the fashion club.