Monthly Archives: June 2010

For You to Watch: Drop Dead Gorgeous

Drop Dead Gorgeous is an ahead-of-its time 1999 faux-documentary set in rural Minnesota.  Kirsten Dunst, Kirstie Alley, Ellen Barkin, Allison Janney, Brittany Murphy, Amy Adams, and Denise Richards all contribute to the ensemble in this hilarious parody of small town beauty pageants.Several of these underrated female comics turn in fantastic performances in the vein of The Office years before Michael Scott was on the air.Denise Richards‘ acting career peaked with Becky Ann Leeman; you will love to hate her as Kirstie Alley’s crown-hungry daughter. A thick-accented Kirstie Alley kills as a pushy stage mother and pageant organizer vicariously living through her snotty over-privileged daughter.

Tuesday’s Tarot

The High Priestess, associated with Persephone and Isis, represents knowing and instinct.  She selectively reveals secrets.  Guardian of the esoteric and divine law, she cradles the Tora and keeps watch over the mysteries of psychic power and intuition kept behind the curtain.  The B and J stand for Boaz and Jachin (mercy and severity) in reference the pillars of the Temple of Solomon, home to the Ark of the Covenant.  When the High Priestess comes up, look for the answer in your intuition.

The Real L Word: Show Your Tits

We begin where we left off with Whitney picking up Tor from the airport.  Tor’s crashing at Whitney and Alyssa’s house until she gets settled in L.A.  Whitney admitted it’s a bit of a U-Haul situation.  Alyssa, Tor’s cousin, worried she would fall victim to Whitney’s persistent pune juggling and get her newly-lesbian heart broken.Tracy and Stamie played three-kids-two-mommies over in Silver Lake. “If Tracy took a second to think about this and break it down, that bitch be running down Ventura Boulevard.  I’d have to stop her with my vehicle.”  Amen StamieTracy complained of exhaustion after one evening with the kids, and again in the morning when Nico woke her up.  She obviously lacks the grit required for successful step-parenthood.  These two ain’t gonna make it.

Nikki optioned Sexual Fluidity as a television show.  She and Jill met with the author Lisa M. Diamond to discuss the project.  The women have a strong connection to the book; Jill recommended it to her parents to explain her mid-twenties transition to lesbianism.  She also admitted that despite wearing an engagement ring from Nikki, she struggles as identifying as an openly gay woman, saying “it doesn’t feel like it fits.”

At the Abbey, Tracy, Stamie and the local lesbian pick-up game shared drinks.  Whitney arrived and made a bee-line for TracyStamie looked absolutely thrilled the playa was paying her snatch attention.  Whitney got sidetracked when Romi, last week’s drama, showed up begging for scraps.  Bitch gather your dignity, she’s just not that into you. Later, Whitney tried to give Romi good phone when Alyssa came outside to remind her that Tor was twiddling her thumbs inside.  Whitney lied her ass off trying to put out the fires erupting all around her.

Jill’s “best friend” Derek flew in from San Francisco, and Nikki showed visible signs of jealousy as Jill showered him with adulation.  Nikki confessed she can’t compete with a man, but after seeing Jill’s engagement ring, I’m not sure a man could compete with her.

Mikey drug her assistant and intern to the party for her big Hollywood Chamber of Commerce induction.  She actually made her minions flank her, because she likes to be surrounded by hot chicks.  Mikey continued to try to reach Raquel until the very last moment, but in the end she didn’t show in time to see Mikey receive her recognition plaque.  They met up outside, and Mikey was clearly disappointed.  Mikey wants a supportive housewife, not a busy career girl.  Raquel’s absence at this event signals the beginning of the end for these two.

Rose and Natalie hosted a crew at their crib for game night.  These alcoholic bitches downed drinks like frat boys before breaking into a chant: “SHOW YOUR TITS!”  Drinking brings out the bully in Rose, so Natalie complained to a drunk girl in the kitchen who looked like she might projectile vomit at any moment.  Rose told Natalie to relax and said she was being “catwalk?”  Nothing inflames an argument more than telling someone to “relax,” so Natalie retreated to the bedroom as Rose bragged about fucking five girls at a time to her buddy on the patio.Alyssa tried to talk some sense into Whitney by presenting all her recent shadiness in a concise, linear manner.  Alyssa pinned Whitney to the wall and didn’t let her weasel out with excuses and rationalizations.  This dose of brutal honesty was exactly what she needed for momentary clarity.  Value those who tell you the truth; they are exceedingly rare in a world filled with placatory cowards.When we met back up with Rose and Natalie, the evening spiraled further into a drunken argument.  Natalie called Rose rude, and Rose told Natalie to move out.  These two probably made up and fucked that night.  It doesn’t make them soul mates, it makes them weak and predictable.  Apart from Nikki and Jill, is there a couple on this show that’s got a chance?

driftwood horses

Sunday with Louise Brooks

SAMCRO

We need to discuss Sons of Anarchy so you have time to catch up on the first two seasons before the third season premiere this winter. Despite the overwhelmingly positive reviews, I’ve been slow to jump on the SAMCRO (Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club, Redwood Original Charter) bandwagon mostly because I thought it was for white boys who like motorcycles.  I erred in selling this show short.  Motorcycles function in Sons of Anarchy like football does on Friday Night Lights, mostly in the periphery. Reason number one you should watch Sons of Anarchy, Jax Teller.  Think a Thelma and Louise-era Brad Pitt.  For many of you, this will be reason enough. A second compelling reason to watch, Katey Sagal serves up the best acting of her career.  The work she does with her arch in season two deserves accolades come award season. Need a third?  Henry Rollins drops in as a violent, psycho, white supremacist.

RHNY: The Lost (their fucking minds) Footage

Bravo wrung every last drop out of this season of the RHNY, finally putting it to rest by airing unseen clips repackaged as “lost footage.”

Sonja accompanied Ramona to get her sweat glands eradicated by ultrasound.  Note the Tru Renewal in the waiting room, even Dr. Giese is on the payroll. Sonja turned gray as Dr. Giese jabbed a metal rod in and out of Ramona’s armpit.  Sonja compared the scene to a veal chop, and Ramona replied that she was getting hungry.  The staff brought Sonja a juice box to help her through the trauma of witnessing the gruesome procedure. The nausea continued to build as we followed Jill and Bobby into ChopardJill fixated on a rose gold 1.79 diamond carat watch (conservatively $25-30,000.00) whining like Veruca Salt that “she waaaanted it!”  Hoping to extend her good fortune, she requested the salesmen bring over a necklace too!  When the salivating salesmen brought over a 10 carat flawless diamond ring priced at $3.7 million, Bobby started to turn as gray as Sonja did during Ramona’s surgery.  Jill declared she always gets screwed because her birthday, the holidays, and their anniversary come one after another and she gets “combined gifts.”  Yeah, combined gifts worth over $30,000!

Sonja apparently got her liposuction, and Kelly stopped by to see her in her post-operative convalescence.  Kelly brought Sonja a “cleanse” to inspire her to take better (non-surgical) care of herself.  Kelly then got all sanctimonious and said,  “I want you to tell your daughter that you were too lazy to work out and got liposuction.”  Preach Kelly!  P.S. if you want to see some sloppy-ass editing watch this scene again, the cleanse is on the bed in a shot before Kelly gives it to Sonja.   This shit is totally The Hills, cougar-style.

Kelly and Ramona worked out together in St. John.  Kelly kept the elliptical on level three as she talked Ramona’s ear off.  Ramona ignored her while she tried to concentrate on her five lbs shoulder presses.  Kelly, a genetic freak at six feet tall, has no idea of what it takes to maintain a real woman’s body.  Nice forearm plank Ramona, werk!

Sonja, Jen, Alex, and Simon gathered in Times Square for the reveal of Bethenny’s I’d Rather Go Naked campaign.  Whatever.  PETA is so super fucking hypocritical I can’t even get started, but that’s a discush for another day.  Bethenny annoyingly mugged for the cameras as Sonja confessed her jealousy by admitting she wished she was up there.  Sonja’s honesty is so unusual and refreshing, no?

Most of the girls showed for Ramona’s birthday party at the Chat Noir.  Kelly and Jill took it upon themselves to rearrange the place cards.  Ramona lost her shit because it was a rude and presumptuous move.  That said, can we just sit where we want to sit please?  Enough with the control-freak seating chart shit – it’s so antiquated.We wrapped at the Reunion where we learned the Countess has a record deal, Kelly’s working on some top-secret shit, Jill got a hobby – a bedding line, Sonja’s returning to her relaxed lifestyle, Silex is working a summer book tour, Ramona’s enjoying her renewal, and Bethenny declared now it’s all about Bryn and Jason.  I think this is the last time we will see this incarnation of the ladies together.  Adieu materialistic shrews, we will miss you.

BEACH BITCHES

Painter Worthy of Your Attention: Annett E Banks