Monthly Archives: June 2010

Cruelty-Free Beauty: EcoTools

Make-up brushes present a challenge; most are made from from animal hair like sable, badger, squirrel, pony, or goat.

Instead of participating in the skinning of our animal friends, try EcoTools.  Endorsed by vegan Alicia Silverstone, these brushes are soft, durable, non-shedding, and cruelty-free.  They have a high-end feel at a drugstore price.

Courtney Love: Behind the Music

“Part of what makes me good at my job is because I was built physically for it.  You gotta to be hearty, you gotta be able to like stage dive and fight off big ass fucking guys.  You gotta be able to like play topless and feel like a fucking Amazon.  That’s what I love.”“I can’t remember not wanting to be famous.  All I could see is was that I would be famous and then everything would be fair.”“It was the summer I was 18.  I saw Faith No More playing with Gun Club and they had a crap singer, and I had a wedding gown on, and I looked so fucking cool and I knew it, and I demanded to be in their band, and then I broke a bottle over my head.  That is the legend.  I can’t recall.”“That’s how inappropriate.  I was so raised in a cave; I read a poem about incest trying out for the New Mousekeeters.”

“I didn’t ask to be hated.  I just don’t mind being a bitch.”

“My band’s called Hole.  It’s not called little hole, it’s not called big hole, it’s not flapping noni, it’s not called tiny rosebud, it’s not called Barbie pussy.  It’s called Hole, o.k.”

Tuesday’s Tarot

The Magician represents the talent and resources within your arsenal to unleash personal power.  He reveals your ability to transform.  When reversed, he symbolizes manipulation.  The first of the Major Arcana, The Magician embodies the idea each person possesses the strength to manifest his or her ultimate potential.

The Real L Word: The Power of the Clam

The first thing you need to know about The Real L Word is that most of these lesbians are rather late arrivals on the scene.  Most came into their sexuality in their twenties.  Even Mikey didn’t dine at the Y until college.  Whitney is the exception; at nine she put sour cream on her eleven year old friend’s boobs, covered them with Fruity Pebbles and then ate it off — lesbian 9 1/2 weeks Saturday morning cartoon style. We begin with dread-locked Whitney, a pune juggler, fetching a couple of SF lezzies Taylor and Sara (pretentiously pronounced Saw-da) from the airport.  While pontificating on the differences between NYC, L.A., and San Francisco lesbians, Whitney declared that L.A. lesbians “lack the working hands” of the NYC lesbian.Next we meet Jill and Nik in matching purples shirts, a type-A preppy lesbian power couple.  These two met at summer camp.  Nik went out with Jill’s brother way back in the day.  The two women reconnected on the camp website and have been together ever since.

Mikey (think West Coast Kelly Cutrone) runs a fashion P.R. firm and enjoys making models cry.  Mikey’s in a long-term relationship with Raquel, a hard-working make-up artist.

Tracy a tall, dark, and lanky development exec, popped up at the beach skateboarding.  A self-confessed late bloomer, Tracy’s newly involved with Stamie, who is separated from Julie, with whom she co-parents three kids.

America Ferrera doppelganger Rose, a financially successful real estate financier, hit the club with her girls and then reluctantly returned home to her girlfriend, Natalie.  She considers herself in the top 1% of lesbians because she looks good, dresses well, has good job, and can show you a good time.

At Fubar, Whitney got stuck in pussy gridlock when Romy, her recent fling, sauntered up to the bar upon which Sara was dancing.  In full tear-management mode, Whitney did her best to placate her jilted hook-up without jeopardizing her current one.  She adequately finessed the situation and successfully tucked into bed at the end of the evening with Sara.

Jill and Nik are planning their nuptials and spend mornings pouring over wedding-related websites trying to decide between a wedding dress and wedding suit.  Nik wants a suit, and doesn’t want to look like twins in white dresses walking down the aisle.Mikey looked extra stupid when she lost her shit on some inexperienced models sent by a casting agent her own office solicited.  When it became evident she didn’t know what the fuck was going on in her own office, she overcompensated by ripping the casting agent a new asshole.  She truly is the West Coast Kelly Cutrone.

Whitney educated us on the difference between “pumps” and “pants” within the lesbian lexicon.  “Pumps” are the “feminine girls” that “wear high heels,” and “pants know how to swing a hammer and are usually in control.”  Good to see the lesbians are working towards dismantling all those limiting stereotypes.Rose visited her Grandparents’ house and it was refreshing to hear that they embraced her when she came out and seemed to genuinely like her girlfriend NatalieNatalie wants babies and starting applying pressure in front of Rose’s family.  Rose seemed very reluctant, and it became pretty obvious these two ain’t gonna make it.

Whitney’s friends inform her that she harnessed the power of the clam, but she sleeps with women who are looking for relationships.  What lesbians aren’t looking for relationships?  Stop sleeping with each other so soon.  The lack of pregnancy fear entices these girls into the kip.  Sluttiness is so tired.  I’m no advocate of purity rings, but rushing into sex has become such a predictable cliché.Episode highlight, Mikey turned to Raquel before bed and said “You can be Jillian Michaels and I’ll be Jackie Warner.”  Lesbian workout role play, lovesit. Nik and Jill met up with wedding planner Camilla at the Newsroom to hash out event ideas.  The two are planning a traditional Jewish ceremony with a sit down dinner.  Jill’s jaw hits the floor when Camilla slides the budget across the table.  Not sure why they are letting the wedding planner dictate the budget, but my guess for the estimate is $125,000.  Nik reassured Jill that it was their wedding day and worth the expense, while Jill reminded Nik that it was a lot of money to spend on just one day.

At Crown Bar, Whitney, Natalie, Rose, and Tracy and the rest of the sapphic gang mingled.  Whitney shamelessly hit on Tracy in front of SaraTracy flat out asked Whitney if she and Sara were dating, awkward silence ensued.  Sara fled to the bathroom and confessed her jealousy over the attention Whitney was lavishing on Tracy.  Eventually, Tracy mentioned her girlfriend, so Whitney cut her losses and returned her attention to Sara in the bathroom stall. They took it to the West Hollywood streets where Whitney smoothed things over by spitting some meaningless playa noise that again dropped Sara’s panties, proving low self-esteem transcends all boundaries. I’ve been wondering how explicit this program is going to get with it playing on ShowtimeThe L Word was big on girl-on-girl action, and I’m guessing these girls are going to be contractually obligated to show a little somethin’.

Whitney and Sara head to the airport where they shared an emotional goodbye.  Whitney then circled around from departures to arrivals and picked up her very well-timed new piece.  Play on playa.  Play on.

SUMMER SOLSTICE: 108 SUN SALUTATIONS

Happy Summer Solstice! Celebrate the longest day of the year with 108 Sun Salutations.

Appreciate Your Dad Today

Sunday with Abbey Lee Kershaw

Sarah McLachlan: Laws Of Illusion

I’ve been dragging ass on this review because I really hate to say anything remotely negative about the lovely and talented Sarah McLachlan.Laws of Illusion doesn’t suck balls, but every album Sarah has made since Fumbling Towards Ecstasy verges on cloying.  The music on her latest effort is well-composed and her voice remains strong, but the record lacks agony.  I prefer a side order of angst with my piano chanteuse. Ms. Lilith Fair ventures into Bonnie Raitt and Aimee Mann territory on a few tracks.  Fans of Surfacing will enjoy McLachlan’s familiar, sweeping, instrumental sound.  Developmentally, she could benefit from taking risks and exploring a more experimental sound.  Save this one for when your Mom’s in the car.

RHNY Reunion Part 3: The Anti-Semitic Prick Deserved It

Off the bat we got a juicy bit of gossip regarding the St. John trip.  Apparently, Kelly was asked to leave and was escorted home by a producer back to the mainland.  Kelly got bounced from Scary Island ya’ll. 

Kelly returned from her self-imposed time out and continued to play the victim card.  In a never ending tautology, Sonja, Ramona, and Bethenny denied picking on her, and Kelly continued to accuse them of bullying.  Ramona yelled at her like she was deaf, “NO ONE WAS MEAN TO YOU!”  However, no amount of reasoning, yelling, or gesticulation appeared to sway the perpetual hair twirler’s perspective.Andy introduced footage of Jill’s warm reception in St. John.  Jill keeps talking about how she couldn’t come to St. John originally because she had to help Ally prepare for her college essays. Jill, Ally is a grown-ass woman going away to college and can prepare her own fucking applications, so give the weak sauce pretext a rest.

Ramona yelled at Jill for not apologizing upon arrival and got a little showy with her charade skills in the process. Sonja commented that while they did throw out a friend, it was rude for Jill to show up unannounced.  It is rude to show up without calling, but when a guest arrives you really need to make the best of it.  As Kelly would say, make lemons out of lemonade.

Countess LuAnn proved elegance is learned when she spoke frankly about the challenges of the last couple years.  She refused to directly comment on the infidelity rumors, but I don’t think we care if she boinked behind the Count’s back.  The smug, anti-Semitic prick probably deserved it.  Please note, however, no matter how intense things get, the Countess NEVER cries.  That bitch has one stiff upper lip. Kelly Bensimon reminds us why models really should keep their pie holes shut.  Kelly, as a model, peaked eons ago, but that was her contribution.  That’s really all she has to give, so you really shouldn’t be surprised she’s a moron.  When Andy rolled her montage, all the scenes of her nonsense pieced together emphasized the depth of her idiocy.  She ain’t crazy; she’s just really, really, dumb. The reunion trifecta ended with Jill pathetically pleading with Bethenny for a hug.  Jill repeated “I really miss you,” through tears, to which Bethenny coldly responded, “I know.”

R.I.P. Bethenny and Jill’s friendship

2007-2010