Monthly Archives: July 2010

Better than Salt

Truthfully, since Angelina and Brad have gotten together neither of them have made movies worth seeing.  Brad’s on his anti-sex-symbol-legitimate-actor trajectory, and Angie keeps churning out the same mindless action movies.  Instead of plunking down dough for Angelina’s latest recapitulated offering, why not revisit some of her more worthwhile work?   Like Gia, Jolie’s award-winning, seminal portrayal of a rebellious, drug-addicted supermodel.  It is easy to resent Angelina’s recent, lazy, phoned-in, performances when compared to her authentic embodiment of the complex and unpredictable Gia Carangi.

Give Good Face: Travel

For a photo finish face, begin with exceptional skin texture.  Discoloration can be addressed with concealer, but make-up does little to disguise an uneven surface.  Most modern moisturizers contain exfoliators like AHA acids or retinol which work to release the top layers of skin cells.  Physically scrub all that dead gunk off, or you won’t have an ideal canvas for your makeup artistry.

No need to complicate things, try Buf-Puf, scrubby little squares with the cleanser built right in.  TSA-proof, non-leak, and space saving, these make the best option for travel.  Buf-Puf is an economical and worthwhile edition to your make-up removal arsenal. 

Terry Richardson: Pervy Fashion Favorite

Tuesday’s Tarot

The Hierophant, fifth trump of the Major Arcana, bridges the gap between heaven and earth as symbolized by his hand raised in benediction, two fingers up, two pointing down.  A teacher, standing for orthodoxy, he provides advice and guidance for life’s journey.  Don’t confuse him as the literal embodiment of religion, he can symbolize wise counsel in a variety of incarnations.  At his best, he understands and shapes, at his worst he hypocritically persecutes.

The Real L Word: Phoenix

Mikey continued her quest for a proper location for L.A. Fashion Week after her previous space fell through.  Borrowing from the concept at Bryant Park, she considered tents, but could barely pick her jaw off the ground when she was quoted $15,000.  At the last minute, Mikey closed on White Trash Beautiful, Richie Sambora’s unnecessary contribution to third-rate celebrity fashion lines.  The Bon Jovi money saved the day making Mikey’s tent city a more realistic possibility.Whitney and Scarlett headed up to San Francisco to embrace debauchery and avoid the local L.A. drama.  In a random coincidence, I’ve stayed at the Phoenix in San Francisco, the rocker-favored dive motel turned hipster haunt where Whitney and Scarlett set up camp.  The two used Scarlett’s makeup to play femme-the-butch for Whitney’s visit with go-go dancing Sara at Flourish. Whitney brought Sara back to the Phoenix for an after-hours dip in the pool and subsequently the world’s least sexy shower fuck.  In having experienced the microscopic size of the Phoenix bathrooms, it is truly mystifying how they managed to squeeze Whitney, Sara, and a camera crew to film these two getting it on like two girls gone wild in the filthy shower.The following evening, the girl group enjoyed poolside cocktails (the outdoor bar makes getting any actual sleep at the Phoenix impossible by the way).  After trading girlhood carpet-munching stories, Sara declared that she doesn’t get attached during sex.  By the way Sara, “irregardless” is not a word.  Regardless is a word.  Irrespective is a word.  Pick one; don’t combine.Whitney got a bitter swig of her own brew when confronted with Sara’s detachment.  In a momentary epiphany, Whitney realized that she does the same thing to girls by leaving them hanging.

Nikki and Jill continued to struggle with their wedding plans. They secured Camilla the wedding planner, but neither could stomach the $13,000+ price tag quoted for their custom wedding gowns.  The two began to consider off-the-rack alternatives which lead them to Les Habitudes.  The David Fielden-designed dress fit Nikki beautifully and Jill declared, “You look like a bride!”  With her Mom’s approval, Nikki finalized her decision and purchased the gown.  Jill felt unsure about her selection, so she wisely left empty-handed.  This is not the right dress for her.

Rose attended a lesbian wedding reception with her Father.  When Natalie arrived later, she and Rose immediately erupted into a huge fight.  The two pouted and sulked for the rest of the evening before going to bed angry. In spiteful response her relationship discord, Rose went behind Natalie’s back to rally her friends around an evening of strippers.  Rose is a frat boy trapped in America Ferrera’s body.  Rose tried to front like just because she wasn’t “touching” the nasty strippers that she somehow wasn’t cheating on NatalieRose we see those tittays on your head you grimy lying fratboy bitch.

Good Karma Monday

He who does not seek to cause the sufferings of bonds and death to living creatures, but desires the good of all, obtains endless bliss.

The Laws of Manu, Chapter V, 46

Sunday with Nelson Mandela


When you really think about it, nail polish is sort of artificial and gross.  Once in awhile a lady or gent invests in a proper pedicure, but for the vast majority of our sad population, sloppy fucking feet abound.  Throwing some nasty polish on dirty feet fools no one.

First you need a foot file.  This should be used on dry feet.  Focus on your heels; your heels are gross.  After, you must moisturize.

In lieu of nail polish, try buffing your nails.  Buffing shines the nails and leaves them with a finish similar to clear nail polish (without the chemicals).  Gentlemen, you really should be doing this too if you plan to rock mandals.

On Traveling…

As wonderful as traveling can be; it can be equally skeevy.  Protect yourself with tapestriesTapestry might be a bit of a misnomer.  We aren’t talking the woven things that hung on walls in the 15th century.  Use them for extra warmth or a barrier between you and the hotel bed.  Tapestries make the best beach blankets.  At the end of your trip, you can even bundle all your dirty laundry inside by tying the four corners together.  Once you add tapestries to your packing list you will wonder how you ever traveled without them.