Venturing out for a gathering tonight? Remember these simple tips to keep your dignity intact this New Year’s Eve.Have a strategy for getting home or arrange a place to crash before you go out. The last thing you want to be doing at 2:18 a.m. New Year’s Day is trying to find a cab or foolishly trusting a drunk-ass friend to drive you. Lazy, opportunistic cops love New Year’s Eve. The last place you want to spend the night is the drunk tank in county lockup, Trust. Plan ahead bitches. For the record, hoping for a one night hook-up does not constitute a legit plan.Please resist the temptation to dress like a disco ball and call it “festive.” Tonight, expect to see a hot mess of metallic wherever you go. Buck the obvious choice, and you’ll stand out against a sea of tired frocks. If you already have a sparkler lined up, it better be the best shit ever. Seriously, ill-fitting metallic looks so budget. Regardless, wear a damn coat. Shivering is not chic.If someone hands you a bong or a joint, puff-puff-pass. No sleeping in the grass. If you stumble into a room where people are doing blow, don’t inquire loudly, “Is that coke!?” Clean up after yourself. Don’t pee on the seat. Share your drugs. Take one before you take two. If you are rolling, maintain your composure. Nobody wants your emotional ebarf all over them. Stay away from pharmaceuticals. Drink water. Eat dinner. Sometimes puking is the best solution. Keep a level-headed bitch in your crew.
Never be the first to arrive or the last to leave. Don’t flirt with someone else’s date. Absolutely no catfighting, crying, or public relationship drama allowed. Bring cash. Nudity will surely end up on the internet. Keep your clothes on.Most of all loves, thanks for your visit. Wishing you the most phenomenal and blessed year of your life. Smooches, DC