Top Five Relationship Lessons as Taught to us by Reality Television

5)      Cheating ruins a relationship forever.  For a timely example, see Sammi and Ron from Jersey Shore.  If you discover your significant other has a jump off, cut and run.  Under no circumstances should you decimate your pride by going back for even one sesh of break-up sex.  Don’t fucking tell me you love him, weak-ass bitch.4)      The following advice applies to all relationships.  Look at what people do, not what they sayTori Spelling failed to apply this rule.  Dean talked a lot of love-at-first-sight woo to lure Tori.  However, many believe his decision to leave his wife, son, and newly adopted daughter to opportunistically seize fame and exploit a dim-witted heiress of dwindling celebrity better reflects his true character.  Now she’s surprised about relationship problems?  Actions determine character.  See also, Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian, and any of the hot-ass messes from Teen Mom.3)      Please don’t EVER film your fucky times.  See Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, Danielle Staub, and the OG of the celeb sex tape, Paris Hilton.  While some consider this a catapult to notoriety, unless you are fucking someone noteworthy, you’ll only be famous to his friends for your “technique.”2)      Protect precious possessions from the vengefulJWOWW and Tom, Ron and Sam, The Bad Girls Club – all these kids got their belongings trashed.  Don’t be naïve.  Lock your shit down before you start a war, and if you pick a fight, be prepared to finish it.1)      Marinating bad feelings in liquor intensifies rather than alleviates tension.  See Bethenny, Ramona, Snooki, Austin Armacost, and Tami Roman from Basketball Wives for shameful examples of messy drinkers.  Slurring, stumbling, puking, instigating bar fights, removing heels, hooking up with questionable fugsters, and showing your ass in public are all fucking dignity issues.  Remember, there is nothing more repulsive than a sloppy-ass drunk.

Smooches to all of you this Valentine’s DayMuah.