Bethenny Ever After: Sweet Home Hazelton

We caught up with Jason and Bethenny contemplating baby number two in the face of B’s big 4-0.  After day-dreaming about the “baby stage,” Bethenny snapped back to business by complaining to Jason that Skinnygirl production can’t keep up with demand.Bethenny asked Jason to look into the delays, but he seemed concerned about commingling family and business any further.  At least he tells it to her straight, like when he said there are “going to be times when I’m like, enough Bethenny today.”  You tell her Jason – and Bethenny, if you are the mogul you claim, nut-up and solve your own damn booze production issues.It wouldn’t be a real reunion with Frankel without the obligatory boob show.  B and her hanger-on Lauren hit Linda’s for some new over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders.  According to Linda, Bethenny’s a 30G or 32FF!  Bethenny made sure we all know she got her 22 inch waist back after giving birth by standing around and flaunting her milkshake while bitching about visiting Jason’s parents.Apparently, Jason sees his parents every two weeks and Bethenny sees them every three weeks!  Holy-fucking-in-laws-dude, that’s some serious visitation.  Is this what people are doing?  Brassiere-whisperer Linda says once a month is appropriate, and even that sounds a little too frequent.  Jason’s parents spend two nights at Bethenny and Jason’s every month which would absolutely lead me to suicide.  So now we know why Jason was 39 and unmarried: he’s a major mama’s boy.  Did Bethenny know what she was signing up for?After a drawn out trip out to Jason’s hometown in Hazelton, Pennsylvania, the three arrived to an enthusiastic welcome from doting grandparents, Carol and Bob.

That afternoon, Jason took Bethenny to the local hot dog haunt where a “fan” came over to Bethenny and gushed.  Something about the whole exchange felt unnatural and Bravo-constructed.As tension built through the afternoon, it served as the amuse-bouche to the main course of conflict which rolled out before the appetizers even hit the table.  Previously, Jason and Bethenny discussed moving to California.  Jason really wants another baby, but is reluctant to move.  Bethenny really wants to explore her opportunities in Los Angeles and is willing to try for another baby in exchange for a cross-country relocation.  This type of baby-bargaining is always ill-advised, but even worse is busting out with the whole scheme to your parents before thoroughly discussing it with your spouse.  Cue Jason and his total lack of filter.Jason sums it up by saying, “She’ll give me a second child if we move to California.”  And this was Carol’s response.Carol and Bob immediately began to panic that Bryn would “forget them.”  Jason has spent his whole life trying to make it up to his parents that his brother died.  He even admits that he tries to be the perfect son.  He can’t bring himself to disappoint them, even for his wife.Both Bethenny and Jason spilled their tea (copyright MWY) all over the table by spiraling into a full-on argument in front of the world’s sweetest and most suffocating grandparents.  Bethenny complained that Jason never lets them experience anything as a nuclear family, like when Bryn reaches a milestone, he’s immediately on the phone with his parents.The next day, the visitation issue resurfaced.  After Bob passive-aggressively whined about looking forward to the days when Bryn can stay the whole summer(!) and Carol rebounded by asking what they’d all be doing for Thanksgiving (after a fun family Halloween of course), Bethenny finally lost her shit.  “We have to do some things on our own as our own little family too…we love coming here, but I want it to be that I like coming here, and I like when you come to us, not that it becomes something we have to do.  That’s the total honest truth.”Later, Bethenny and Jason hit the local dive bar for some $2.50 u-call-it-wells.  At first Bethenny was a little snobby (think Reese Witherspoon’s turn in the small town bar in Sweet Home Alabama), but after a few cocktails Jason’s local buddies began to win her over with their folksy charm.  By the end of the night, through a vodka-haze, bitch shed a big city tear over some “roots” talk from stool-warmer Smitty.If this hometown visit proved nothing else, it is that these two really don’t know each other at all.  In Bethenny’s own words, the couple is “drastically different.”  No shit.  These two met, married, and reproduced in less than 18 months, and most of it was filmed for TV.  Now they are surprised that in that time they haven’t uncovered one another’s true selves?  As if starring on a reality show lends itself to authenticity?  Maybe that’s why B’s still in therapy.