The first of several 40th birthday parties kicked off at a suite at the Gansevoort where Bethenny and her girls pre-gamed with Skinnygirl and mini-sliders.  Later, Bethenny rallied the group for a schlong hunt at Plunge.Why does Bethenny think she has game?  She acted like a crazed Ramona lusting over the general manager conveniently named Jason.  At 40 not 30, Bethenny’s a little more resistible than she thinks.  Seriously, slow your roll and stop embarrassing yourself.After a few drinks, each sloppster took a turn stomping out her dignity in the center of the dance circle.  Julie offered the most interesting dance craze – the metro card – a reenactment of that graceful moment when the metro card fails and you whiplash against the immobile turnstile.  Bethenny acted like Julie was nutz.  Apparently it has been awhile since bougie Bethenny has taken the train, because that shit was brilliant.  Anyone who takes public transportation would know that dance of shame anywhere.The next day, Bethenny got the call about Skating With the Stars and it was immediately obvious that she was going to say “yes,” even though she pretended she was going to discuss it with the family.  Back at casa Hoppy, Jason braced himself for the latest news.Jason didn’t seem too enthusiastic about the idea and immediately started chipping away at her excitement with loaded questions.  Jealous much?  Then he asked if it would be better for her to do Dancing With the Stars.  Her response was fucking priceless, and proves how big her head has become.

Super snotty she says, “I don’t really want to do the twelfth of anything.”

Her implication – that she would turn down the highly rated Dancing With the Stars in favor of Skating With the Stars – could not be more patently absurd.  Bitch please.  No one asked you to be on Dancing With the Stars.  Don’t fucking act like you would have turned down Dancing with the God Damn Stars because no one on this planet believes your fame-seeking ass would ever do any such thing.Julie joined the meeting and even though she and Jason had concerns about time and scheduling, there was no talking Bethenny out of her skates.  She knew she was accepting the offer the minute they called.  Make no mistake: Bethenny furthers her fame first.Even though no one had even mentioned Bethenny’s birthday, she moaned that everyone kept “harping on her 40th birthday,” so she simply must have a lavish party to satisfy the masses or some such self-important bullshit.  She met up with her wedding planner Shawn for lunch and he offered to plan the party for her as a product placement gift.  Bravo probably pressured Bethenny into having a party on the show to give it some zest, and this might explain her mixed messages.  This does not bode well since when the sentiments “reluctant” and “party” are combined, it never makes for a very festive event.Later Jason and Bethenny took Bryn on an afternoon stroll.  Jason nit-picked the proposed plans.  The two began to bicker about the number of guests, the timing of food and drink, and the appropriate night for the party.With a proposed guest list of 35-45, Bethenny didn’t want to exclude her friends for Jason’s buddies.  In another dick move, Jason played the “you’re married now, Bethenny” card.  In this instance, Bethenny’s right on.  It is her birthday, and the guest list should be comprised of her friends.  Jason manipulated her by calling her selfish, and got his way to invite ten friends to her party.  When Jason turns forty he can invite all his friends.  Not all couples must share friends.  Furthermore, Jason’s friends don’t actually give a fuck about celebrating Bethenny’s birthday, so he should stop fronting like they do.From there things got progressively uglier, and a sour cloud hovered over the rest of the walk, the talk, and the party.  Bethenny began to regret agreeing to the bash.  Considering the amount of celebrations Bethenny’s had for Bethenny this year – engagement, showers, a televised wedding – a low key fortieth might have been a better way to go.Bethenny met her skating partner Ethan Burgess at the rink, but the chemistry wasn’t exactly gelling.  Awkward chatter peppered practice and culminated with Bethenny declaring that she’d seen Ethan fall in a competition on youtube.  Not knowing when to STFU, Bethenny continued to prattle and opined his fall was due to the rocky relationship with his girlfriend/skate partner.  Nice first impression.Back in bed, Bethenny and Jason continued to write “birthday party disaster” all over the walls.  Each time the topic came up, the two clashed.Since Bethenny’s latest book is about conquering negative thoughts, take note of Bethenny’s own self-defeating behavior.  She says things like “my whole life has been like that.”  Boo Fucking Hoo.

Your life is a result of your own choices.  Quit bitching.