Monthly Archives: April 2011

Royal Wedding Ennui

I realize this may be a minority position, but anybody else find the whole union oddly depressing?  Anachronistic, conformist, transactional, and remarkably beige, it was like watching the death of freedom.  While the mainstream loved her gown, it was at best unoffensive and at worst a boring Grace Kelly knock-off.  The dress did not particularly embody the McQueen aesthetic, but credit to Burton and her team for  achieving a flawless fit.  Even though the press made a big deal over Kate’s choice to do her own makeup, can we agree the brows were a little too dark, her under-eye area needed attention, and the blush was a little muddy?  While the nuptials weren’t a style disaster, there were certainly imperfections swept over in the universal hyperbolic praise.  Maybe it is this Teflon-quality that makes Mizz Middleton absolutely perfect for her new job?

RHNY: Horseshit

We met up with LuAnn and a teenage Victoria in the Hamptons.  Victoria reassured the Countess that she was perfectly fine with the weekend mommy arrangement.  LuAnn took her daughter’s permission to play Sex and the City with a sigh of relief.  Big surprise a 15 year old doesn’t want her mom around.  Internet scandal involving sweet little Victoria in 3…2…1…Sonja joined Kelly in the Hamptons for a ride at the amazingly impeccable Wölffer Estate StablesKelly tried to show off, even though her riding skills aren’t particularly impressive.  Kelly triggered Sonja’s competitive streak, emboldening her to try and match Kelly canter for canter.  Her over-confidence resulted in a humbling ass-first dismount into a pile of horseshit.LuAnn, Sonja, and Barshop debated the merits of Quogue where Barshop planned a riding party of her own.  In the course of the conversation, Sonja and LuAnn revealed that they didn’t receive evites to the event and a wave of panic swept Barshop’s face.  Then Sonja made a jab about putting Completely Bare emails in her junk folder, and that pretty much set the hot wax on that relationship.  Now how long until Barshop tears a strip of Sonja’s ass, or will it be the other way around?One glass of Pinot Grigio later, Ramona mounted a sanctimonious high-horse of her own by making critical digs about LuAnn’s parenting style, calling her a “Weekend Mom.”Barshop stirred the horseshit by pulling Kelly aside under the pretext of warning her not to bring her children to Sonja’s upcoming soiree.  The whole exchange really made no sense because Ramona was there at LuAnn’s, would be at Quogue later, and therefore would have numerous opportunities to confront Kelly with or without Sonja’s meddling.At the controversial Quogue party, Ramona demanded Pinot Grigio and a trusty mount immediately.  She had something critical to say about everything from the food to her lack of autonomy while riding.  After turning her nose up at every aspect of the party, Ramona pressed Kelly to talk about the stupid fight they are in that no one cares about.  Kelly learned her lesson with Bethenny a couple seasons back and steadfastly rebuffed Ramona’s efforts to engage her.Ramona joined the other ladies already seated around a table.  Barshop stirred the shit again when she mentioned a brunch Kelly was hosting the next day from which Ramona was excluded.  Rude people love to call other people rude, and Ramona couldn’t help but call Kelly out on the social faux pas.Ramogre stomped around the party in search of a new victim when Howard, Cindy’s brother, caught her eye.  She approached him and insisted that they have a conversation about the weird cigar moment at the wedding from earlier this season.  Like Kelly, Howard also tried to deflect Ramona’s attempts at a confrontation by pointing out that his elderly father was sitting at the table behind them.  Howard politely refused several times and eventually just straight up turned his back and ignored her.  Barshop noticed the scene and stepped in to pull Ramona away.The convoluted cigar conflict is still incomprehensible.  The whole thing started with Ramona owing an apology and now she’s demanding one?  Is it clear to anyone why she is so upset?All this horseshit makes me actually miss Jill.  Thankfully, she returns next week.

OH-HI-GLOW

Holding down Ohio, gorgeous DC reader KB wrote requesting advice on how to fake a Miami glow in the Midwest:

“I would like to look sun-kissed but don’t want to damage my skin.  I got sunburned by accident two weeks ago and my skin looked worse almost immediately.  And not just redness, wrinkly.  So the issue is twofold; I’m interested in the Demeter Clarc recommendations for sunscreens as well as a way to fake the tan.  I’ve never done a tanning lotion or bronzer (more interested in faking through the latter…I feel like there are scary nasty things in those turn-ya-orange lotions).  So I don’t know which is better, how to apply, or what yields the best results.  Also, if there are products in the mid priced range, I’d be much obliged as well.”

I’ve avoided giving general advice about bronzers.  Achieving the perfect bronze usually requires a bit of trial and error.  That said, I’m not about to leave you beyond the pale, so here are a few tips and recommendations to get you started down the terracotta brick road.

The first and most important rule of bronzing is that the product MUST be matte.  No shimmer.  No sparkles.  No glitters (ever, anywhere).  Add luminosity later; this is not the place.Next KB, you gotta decide on liquid or powder formula.  Both have advantages and disadvantages, therefore it is worthwhile to have one of each in your arsenal for different occasions and purposes.

Let’s start with liquid/cream/gel options.  On a really good skin day, this type of bronzer replaces foundation for good glow.  This time of year, mix bronzer with foundation for a subtle transition to summer.  Many of these products contain sunscreen too.

Luxury: Bobbi Brown All Over Bronzing Gel SPF 15, Soleil Tan de Chanel.Budget: Organic Wear Liquid Bronzer, Bonne Bell Gel Bronzer.

Powders are more a common choice, but also the source of many a makeup mistake.  Finding the right color is super challenging.  For the most part, avoid red or orange undertones (unless you are a red-head).  Look for a brown base.  Go too dark for your skin tone and risk looking muddy.  Fair-skinned folks look for light brown sandy shades.  Often when a brand offers two shades, the lighter one can look orange and the darker one is too dark.  Think café au lait.

Luxury: Nars Bronzer in LagunaThe Balm Bahama Mama Bronzer.

Budget:  Rimmel Natural Bronzer, Organic Wear Natural Bronzer.

Once you find the perfect product in the most flattering shade, keep these bronzing commandments in mind.

1) Exfoliate first.

2) Matte finish only.  Said it once before, but it bears repeating.

3) Don’t forget the neck!  Blend softly all the way down to the collarbone.

4) Consider blush compatibility.

5) Less is more.  Forehead, nose bridge, chin, temples, cheekbones, stop there.

Bethenny Ever After: $120 Million Dollar Baby?

Bethenny and Jason needed a new nanny since Gina left to convalesce after her surgery.  Their top choice is a woman named Dawa.  Born in India and of Tibetan descent, Dawa must be genetically calm or some such racist shit according to her new employers.After butchering her four letter name repeatedly, Bethenny and Jason gave Dawa the grand tour of the nursery and pantry.  Bethenny in particular put on a high-drama neurotic show for the cameras.  No wonder ratings are way down this season.  Truthfully, this mundane shit is dreadfully dull.Dawa informed Bethenny that she doubles as a hair dresser, so Bethenny got a blowout from the new two-for nanny.  Not sure how long ago Dawa werked weaves in India but her technique and finish on the blowout left much room for improvement.  Stick to burping babes Dawa.Over dinner, Jason told Bethenny that sales of Skinnygirl expanded from 13 states to 40.  She contemplated the future sale of Skinnygirl and revealed that several companies that had previously turned her down were now begging to buy her out.  No doubt a satisfying moment for Bethenny, but it is disappointing to think the same people that doubted her are now financially profiting from her idea.Speaking of sell outs, a few episodes back we discussed the sale of Skinnygirl to Beam, and at the time the sale price was undisclosed.  Recently, several outlets from the Wall Street Journal to Wendy Williams reported Bethenny sold Skinnygirl for $120 million.  Does that officially make her the richest Housewife?  (Bitch please, spin-off or not she’ll always be a Housewife.)  The timing of the sale makes sense because Bethenny officially peaked awhile ago, even if she continues to fight against her inevitable decline.Despite her public bitch fight with Johnny Weir (Team Johnny!), Bethenny made it all the way to The Skating with the Stars finale show by riding a wave of drunken Skinnygirl fan support.  To properly prepare, Bethenny rented a beachfront house in Malibu and invited Ethan over for a Mexican fiesta and tabletop dance.Bethenny keeps hinting that a move to California is around the corner.  Can we look forward to a new cast member on The Real Housewives of Beverly HillsBethenny and Kyle go way back, so the notion isn’t that far afield.  Plant the seed ya’ll.

Tuesday’s Tarot

Mr. Nine of Cups sure looks proud of himself.  That’s because he’s achieved what he thought he wanted.  The Nine of Cups has a discernible pattern of dips, valleys, or destabilizing crises followed by a reversal of fortune and subsequent success.  Sometimes we confuse luck with genius.  Don’t get carried away with the hubris.  The lucrative change of circumstances accompanying this card encourages big eating, drinking, and indulgence.  Not a problem if you follow up the feast with an equally intense workout.

Blinc Mascara

Happy mascara Monday dolls!  Good news; after several disappointments, finally I have a worthy recommendation for you: Blinc Mascara (formerly Blinc Kiss Me Mascara).  Like nothing else, the formula hardens to form flexible tubes around lashes.  Remove with eye-appropriate cleanser, gentle massage, and warm water.  Extremely resistant to flaking, Blinc Mascara boldly boosts volume and length and provides a less shameful walk-of-shame type of non-smudgability.  Follow the application instructions.  Specifically, apply multiple coats in quick succession before the product dries.  Feel free to curl lashes before application and again once the formula sets. While the idea may seem gimmicky, Blinc Mascara actually performs with dramatic results, unmatched endurance, and freaky futuristic lash adherence. 

Sunday with Easter

RHNY: Cobbled Together

Alex invited Sonja to a damage-control lunch to smooth over the embarrassing squabble.  The motivation for the meal comes not from Alex’s interest in repairing the relationship, but instead in the realistic fear that the rift with Morgan might jeopardize her camera time this season.After quickly reaching an impasse, the two buttah blondes agreed to drop the tiff – which of course means we’ll be hearing about this petty shit for the next eight weeks. The French Fonz threw a wine and cheese party.  He provided the wine, and LuAnn provided the cheese – specifically by making obvious and gag-inducing double entendres about spitting and swallowing.  The highbrow speed dating was as awkward and boring as it has been in the hundred other reality shows where the gimmick has been featured.Simon threw Alex an unpretentious picnic birthday party on Gov Island.  The early October wind whipped guests and the masses huddled around a sad little plate of pigs in a blanket.  Barshop and Bensimon arrived with their kids, surveyed the scene, and quickly retreated back to Manhattan.David Meister invited Ramona to walk the runway, and LuAnn, Sonja, Alex, and Simon came to mock support her.  Serious details were overlooked, like organizing the models backstage and fitting Ramona with a proper undergarment.  Her performance was only marginally better than last year, but she keeps getting asked back because Ramona’s best and worst quality is that she is nearly impossible to embarrass.In an effort to kick-start her middle-aged modeling career, Alex participated in a portfolio-building photo shoot with Mark VeltmanAlex labors under the delusion that she’s going to supplement her “consulting” income by making bank as a model.At her core, Alex is such a fucking try-hard dork.  The woman has absolutely no swagger.  Even though the hair and makeup team turned her out, she couldn’t make the editorial Bride of Frankenstein look werk.Lacking the same self-shame chromosome as Ramona, Alex tried to rock her photo shoot hair to the event later that evening.  A couple of hours prior, the hair was mayjah, and with the right attitude and outfit, I’m all for serving a little avante garde at the party.  However, Alex lacked the confidence and sophistication to successfully take the look from editorial to cocktail.When Cohen delayed the season, he promised it wasn’t due to lack of drama.  Instead he claimed the show would benefit from breathing room between filming and airing.  Now three episodes deep, the fourth go-round feels cobbled together and disconnected.  Don’t get it twisted Bravo, Showtime’s got Cock Cages, so you best step it up.

Gigolos: The Cock Cage

This week on Gigolos, Mistress Samantha justified her late-night sex-toy shopping spree by locking Jimmy’s cock in a cage.  During the first encounter, she administered the device and this was their exchange.

“Oh, you’ve got some big balls.”“They come from my Mom’s side.”

Later the guys hung at Brace’s house.  Note that he and Teresa Giudice share the same interior design aesthetic.

“I’m not being weird or anything, but I wanna see that sonofabitch.”

Jimmy revealed his accessory, and this was the Gigolo gang’s reaction to the shocking sight of the cock cage.“A cock cage, alright, now that’s some fucked up white people shit because you’d never catch a brother with a cage around his dick.” “A cock cage kinda feels like an eagle is clutching your junk like it’s a salmon.  You know, it’s just one of the most uncomfortable things ever.”