Courteney Cox and Christa Miller really went out of their way this week on Cougar Town to show us their brows move.
Did higher-ups at ABC sit them down and say “Yeah, ladies the show is doing great, but we feel your frozen expressions may be affecting the ratings?” 
Whatever the reason, this first episode back from hiatus showed an unexpected (yet appreciated) increase in facial mobility. 
This episode of Bethenny Ever After started in Dr. Amador’s office and flashed back through the previous week of escalating crazy. Bravo should have structured the entire season this way and re-titled it Narcissist in the City. Rumors circulate about Bethenny exercising EP power to have portions of the episodes re-edited so she appears more likable. If that’s true, you have to wonder what this episode looked like before it was softened. So without further ado, let us commence the countdown to BFrank’s big breakdown.
First up, Gina informed Bethenny that she was having surgery at the end of the week, and therefore their time must come to an end. Through tears, the two tried to envision a future apart. After claiming G as family, Bethenny seemed mostly concerned about a replacement nanny and how this crisis might inconvenience her skating schedule. Bethenny didn’t offer support, financial or otherwise, to Gina at any point in the conversation. This is how rich people treat their help “family?”
The whole family arrived in L.A. for Bethenny’s debut performance on Skating with the Stars. Jason and Bethenny drove around Beverly Hills and contemplated which area of L.A. might suit them best for a future move. The two stopped at an empty house for sale and jumped the fence. Feeling ultra-rebellious at first, they soon started to panic. Getting back over the fence proved even less graceful, and Jason complained of a thumb injury while hoisting B up and over in her thigh-high boots – the worst footwear possible for a stealth breaking and entering.
Bethenny performed beautifully for her first-ever televised skating routine. Was she stiff and stifled? A little, but as a premiere showing, she did better than the 5s she received from the judges. Out the gate, she failed to evoke any good will from the panel. Before the judges comments, the public criticism aspect of the competition obviously hadn’t dawned on Bethenny. Getting picked apart like that ain’t easy. When the feedback wasn’t all roses and sunshine, her spirit palpably plummeted.
Back in NYC, Chef Bethenny prepped for Bryn’s first Thanksgiving. Due to technical difficulties, the turkey wasn’t cooked through and Bethenny started snapping at everyone’s attempts to console her. Julie, Jason, the Grandparents Hoppy, and even the ancillary ghub got the sharp end of her Scorpio stinger. When she finished screaming at her guests, Bethenny stormed off to her bedroom to pop a Xanax pout.
Back to the therapist couch, Dr. Amador asked Bethenny what Thanksgiving was like for her growing up. Bethenny said her Mom (Bernadette serving a little Priscilla Presley below) was a really good cook, but a perfectionist. If for any reason things weren’t perfect, according to Bethenny her Mom would flip out.
The phrase “walking on eggshells” popped up several times in this episode, and it dawned on Bethenny that she recreated the very scenario she resented growing up.
“I end up sucking a lot of energy out of the room, and when I’m not happy it ends up being quite contagious.”
The paradigm-shifting epiphany sent Bethenny into an existential tailspin where she recognized how she mirrored Bernadette in so many ways. And like so many others before her, Bethenny was horrified at the realization that she too had become her mother.
Think how distressed she’ll be when she realizes in about 30 years Bryn will be having the exact same nauseating moment of self-awareness.
The Eight of Cups represents an ending by way of abandonment. After a gradual wind down, the time has come to let go and move on. Leaving behind the investment of energy and time can be difficult, but also liberating. Possible changes manifest in many different ways: a move, a break-up, a resignation letter, or alterations in behavior and habits. Change traumatizes many, but it’s a part of life, so nut up and accept it. Tough love tarot bitches. Clinging to a shitty situation results in a total lack of energy and inspiration, so don’t delay the inevitable. When reversed, enjoy happiness and feasting.
The claim: stimulates lashes for a 638% increase in lash volume and increased appearance of length, growth and strength.
The experience: For all the highfalutin promises, multiplEYE mascara ain’t all that. (I’m specifically talking about the mascara and not the natural lash enhancer which is a totally different conversation.)
Let’s parse their claim for subtext, shall we?
Whenever you run up against the word “appearance” in a cosmetic or beauty add, use common sense. “Appearance” usually equates to “temporary,” as in no lasting results.
Tarte was careful to craft the statement to read that the product increases the appearance of growth. Surmise from this linguistic trickery that no ingredients contained in this mascara will actually grow lashes à la the prescription lash stimulators. In fact, Tarte disclaims in the small print:
multiplEYE™ clinically proven natural lash enhancing mascara is not intended to treat, prevent, cure, relieve, resolve, stop or reduce hair loss or to promote the growth of hair. Do not get in the eye. Rinse immediately if contact with eye occurs. If irritation or redness occurs, please discontinue use.
Well that explains the burning sensation. 
As for the 638% increase in lash volume – in my experience, bollocks. Don’t expect the rush of a major impact lash with Tarte multiplEYE mascara. All in all, this one is a lashluster disappointment.
Time to discuss Gigolos, Showtime’s new series about five male escorts working in Las Vegas. Nowadays it takes quite a bit to shock, but Gigolos goes all the way with full-frontal nudity, ball smacking doggie style, and even a gang bang.
Meet Nick, the tatted-up “bad boy.” The most interesting thing about Nick is trying to solve the mystery of what he’s covering under that all-encompassing shoulder tattoo. His school teacher client compared the body art to spilled spaghetti.
This is Jimmy serving young Randall Batinkoff. Remember For Keeps? Bonus point if you do.
Steven wants you to know he’s a Scorpio and devoted father.
Vin is the newest member of the manwhore crew and was allegedly brought in to provide diversity. 
Over-bronzed Brace is the past-his-prime, bourbon-soaked surfer-type.
Analyzing what motivates the women who hire these “professionals” is really more interesting than the discount Don Juans themselves. A teacher, a zaftig medical assistant, and a dick-hungry divorcee all participate in sex on camera within the first two episodes.
Rumor has it since the premiere early this month, the escort service Cowboys 4 Angels is blowing up. Sorry boys, this particular agency caters exclusively to women.
If you enjoy Cathouse, check out the flipside on Gigolos.
Self-proclaimed “gay icon” Sonja hosted the Marriage Equality March pre-party and expected the rest of the women to fawn over her like it was her actual wedding day. Both she and Alex labored under the misapprehension that it was “her day” and the two went tit to tit trading bitchy self-important barbs.
Alex believed the day was hers because she’d been involved in the project for months and won’t let anyone forget she served on the committee. At the last moment, planners asked Sonja to act as Grand Marshall and speak at the rally. The timing indicates she was a last minute replacement for someone more relevant, interesting, well-spoken.
Once at the Equality March, Simon’s sequins came unglued when he learned that Sonja brokered an exclusivity clause in her contract which precluded any of the other cast members from speaking. This season, Sonja came to play and apparently she brought her legal team.
Unrelenting in their commitment to fame Marriage Equality, Alex and Simon first plead with Sonja to allow Simon to raise his rainbow at the podium. When she ignored their pleas and turned her back, Alex hovered behind her whispering maliciously in her ear. Kelly, the ambassador of crazy, turned and yelled, “We are embarrassing ourselves!” X four. The awkwardly loud rebuke stunned the rest of the hen house into temporary silence.
A more magnanimous person might have just allowed Simon to speak, but if the tables were turned and Simon had an exclusive speaking engagement, would he share the spotlight with Sonja? Doubtful. Cut from the same social-climbing cloth, all three keep tirelessly trudging up the ladder, even if they happen to be on slightly different rungs. Sonja went out of her way to knock Alex and Simon down a peg or two. Trust that Silex will not let this slight go unanswered.
Sonja hosted a cocktail party to reveal an unflattering painting that the artist she’s banging painted of her. 
Alex pulled Sonja aside and the two began to argue about the events of the day. The fight fermented to the point where Sonja asked Alex to leave while screaming at her about her bad manners in front of a room full of guests.
The Cuntess summed up the importance of squabble by saying, “I don’t know what Alex was wearing to Sonja’s party. It was some kind of S&M bondage thing. I would have kicked her out just for the dress.”
On the brink of tears, Alex stood on the sidewalk in her high-class hooker heels, stunned and embarrassed, recounting the tale to Simon.
Cut back to Sonja greeting Barshop and complimenting her on her nude Miu Miu – which she pronounced “Mewy Mewy.” Bitch please. No gay icon mispronounces Miu Miu.
