Monthly Archives: June 2011

Beyoncé’s 4 Problems

Beyoncé’s new record 4 came out this week and it isn’t very impressive or interesting.  The mainstream media blows rose petals up B’s ass all day long, but is she really all that?  The highly overrated Beyoncé has got issues, and here’s just 4.Some might argue that despite the success of Dangerously in Love and B’Day, Beyoncé has yet to release a seminal work.  In this download-the-single world, some may not see the importance of a well-constructed, complete album, but releasing an album with 2 hit singles and 10-12 tracks of filler illustrates the difference between a greedy paper chaser (Forbes top-earner 2009) and artistic integrity.  When Beyoncé is on, she’s really, really, sublime, see Ring the Alarm, Me, Myself & I, but her filler is so offensive it makes you question her overall standards.Beyoncé’s fucking boring.  Next to Gaga’s theatrics and Rihanna’s edgier sexuality, Beyoncé’s show looks like a cotillion.  Respectful, well-behaved, and lady-like, Beyoncé’s biggest rebellion is wearing a heavily-enforced diaper on stage and setting her wind-machine to high.  Hanging out with Gwyneth fucking Paltrow isn’t doing much for her swagger either.  These days, stepping out with Beyoncé is more akin to visiting with your proper aunt than raging with a rockstar.Beyoncé’s stuck in a rut.  The lyrically uninspired 4 sounds like it could have come out three years ago.  Tired and unoriginal, Beyoncé vacillates between deferential obedience and put-him-in-his place neck-rolls, all very well-tread ground for the artist. What’s new here?  Nada.

It takes more than a mythical range and amazing vocal control to make a hit record – just ask Christina AguileraBeyoncé works in all the grunts, runs, and big-note belting she can, but we’ve seen all these tricks before, and they do nothing to bring the snoozy 4 to life.

With all of Beyoncé’s access and resources, there really isn’t an excuse for this mediocre offering.  You won’t hear the truth elsewhere because Tina Knowles scares the shit out of everyone.

Resort 2012: LAST CALL

Alexander McQueenAlice & OliviaAntonio MarrasNorma KamaliFendiA.L.C.Antonio BerardiNina RicciCynthia RowleyAnna SuiRebecca MinkoffAlexander McQueen

Tuesday’s Tarot

After last week’s heartache, the Four of Swords brings rest and time to heal.  Constant chatter drowns out the sacred whisper of the inner voice.  Regroup, relax, and appreciate quiet peace.  A break will provide perspective and an opportunity to consolidate resources.  A rather inauspicious card, best to strategize and wait it out.  When reversed, smart business moves result in moderate gains.

The Real L Word: My Jäger Mistake

As we know, Sajdah and Chanel share a birthday.  Saj’s friend Natasha hooked up a party house for a joint bash.  The two haven’t fucked yet, so they worked out all their pent up sexual frustration with living room lap dances.Truly living up to every lesbian cliché, Saj presented Chanel with a journal where she tearfully placed pen to page to express her intense emotions in a passage heavily peppered with the word “LOVE.”  After two weeks!A crew of Natasha’s friends rolled through and shifted the energy.  Saj wanted to split, but Natasha insisted she clean up before leaving.  Since the party was still popping off, Saj weighed the futility of the clean-up effort and tried to duck out the back with ChanelNatasha got increasingly aggressive to the point of pushing and shoving Saj.  Coke rage?  WTF?  Overreact much?Fleeing an attack, Saj snapped at Chanel for obliviously dicking around with friends outside while the drama went down inside.  With the taunts of the second-shift partygoers at their backs, Saj hustled Chanel into the car.  In her haste (and inebriation?), Saj hit a parked car while several witnesses stood around in the driveway.Frustrated and embarrassed, Saj dutifully exchanged information with the remarkably calm victim of her negligence.  No wiser for the experience, she then sped out of the driveway nearly clipping another car on the way out.On the way home, the couple engaged in their first fight.  They haven’t even fucked yet and they’re already fighting?  Tears before orgasms does not bode well.We mustn’t gloss over Claire’s self-entitled trip to Power Up.  Claire’s decided she wants to create a lesbian publication, starting with a website, focused on fashion, health, and an “upgrade your style kinda thing.”  (She’s a true master of both fashion and health; see ill-fitting all-black outfit and Parliament Lights.)When pressed by Stacy on her background, Claire admitted she had zero publishing background, no web expertise, and couldn’t write.  She received an icy reception from both women when she revealed that she had registered the MILFish domain name “dirty boudoir.”The Power Up duo recognized Claire’s total lack of resources, experience, and talent, and gently explained that her website idea wasn’t exactly novel.  To soften the blow, they offered her an internship which Claire outright rejected because she doesn’t want to be anyone’s “secretary.”Randomly, Rachel agreed to cut Bianca’s hair at the Sunset Marquis.  When Whitney returned from a smoke, she noticed Rachel was completely benzoed.  Floating on a Klonopin and cocktail cloud, Rachel didn’t even flinch when she cut herself and blood trickled down her hand.Whitney pulled Rachel aside and smacked her a few times.  Instead of sobering up, Rachel talked in a baby-voice and begged for more slaps.  Rachel was so faded she nodded out mid-conversation; her head flopping down like a bowling ball in a pillowcase.  Let this be a lesson – don’t phuck with pharmies.Whitney left Rachel sobbing, messy, and pill-popping to meet Sara.  On the way, Whitney saw Erica, Sara’s jump-off, a block from the salon where Sara works.  The coincidental geographical proximity was just too suspicious for Whitney.Once Sara hopped in the car, Whitney confronted her about the Erica sighting.  Sara unsuccessfully tried to play it off.  However, it finally crystallized to Whit that Sara lies her fucking ass off, and probably is trying to catch shine off her TV show.  Whitney dropped opportunistic Sara right off her nutsack and on to the curb.  Hopefully, this time the split is permanent.

Kacy and Cori organized a knock-em-back-before-we-knock-her-up-themed rager with some friends.  The enthusiastic drinkers downed round after round of questionably-colored shots.  Predictably, the evening ended with the sound of puke hitting bowl, and an utterance repeated in many a ladies’ room at 2:00 am, “Oh my God, that Jäger was the worst idea ever.”

Sunday with True Blood

Tonight.  True Blood.Season 4 Premiere.Will it suck?

Effective Hair Combo

Confession time.  Awhile back I tried EverPure and really, really, really liked it.  Typically, I’m loathe to recommend anything L’Oreal due to their well-known history of testing on animals.  However, L’Oreal claims not to test EverPure on animals or include any animal ingredients in the formula. If you are hardcore about the sulfate thing, EverPure claims to be sulfate-free.  However, it contains Sodium Lauryl Sulfoacetate and Disodium Laureth Sulfosuccinate which seems a little like skirting sulfate on semantics, but whatever; this stuff gives great suds.  After trying several expensive and budget varieties, with and without sulfate sudsing agents, EverPure shampoo tops them all.  Don’t mess with the conditioner though, it sux. After finding shampoo nirvana, a high-performing natural conditioner became priority number one.  Conditioner often justifies the expense, but you don’t have to drop major coin on a daily detangler.  Juice Organics Brightening Conditioner is absolutely delightful.  The natural conditioner actually has a recognizable ingredient list:

Grape Juice (Certified Organic), Orange (Organic) (Juice), Aloe Vera (Aloe Barbadensis) Leaf Juice (Certified Organic), Helianthus Annuus (Sunflower) Seed Oil (Organic), Evening Primrose (Oenothera Biennis) (essential fatty acids), Linum Usitatissimum (Linseed) (seed), Borage (Borago Officinalis) (Organic) (seed), Sugar Cane (Saccharum Officinarum) Extract (organic), Rice Syrup (Organic), Glycerin, Cucumber (Cucumis Sativus) Extract, Grapefruit Peel (organic), Lime (Citrus Aurantifolia) Peel (Organic),..

Most importantly, it really works.  A reasonable dollop leaves hair weightless, soft, and detangled. 

EverPure Shampoo + Juice Organics Conditioner = happy hair.

RHNY:16

Ramona’s daughter Avery and LuAnn’s daughter Victoria both celebrated their 16th birthday on the same night this week.  The first segment skipped back and forth between scenes of overbearing, bratty Avery making demands of her planners, and a vacant Victoria abdicating complete control to hers.Avery nixed a series of ideas from the pushy planner.  Her worst fear seemed to be that the event would feel “bat mitzvah.”  Like most girls their age, both wanted a 21st birthday disguised as a 16th.Prying must run in the family because Jill’s sister couldn’t resist offering unsolicited legal advice to Sonja about her bankruptcy.  Forcing this conversation in Wexler’s waiting room was gross and uncomfortable.But not nearly as gross and uncomfortable as watching Dr. Wexler deliver a series of painful injections around the perimeter of Jill’s face.LuAnn threw a surprise party for Jill’s birthday.  When Ramona arrived, she and LuAnn discovered that their daughters’ birthday parties not only fell on the same night, they also shared the same theme!  Faux Frost Pas.Jill’s nearest and dearest attention-seeking castmates each took turns hogging the spotlight.  First Barshop did some weird poetry reading in a headpiece claiming to evoke Josephine Baker, but her outfit reflects that she had no actual knowledge of Josephine Baker.Then Kelly used her toast time at the mic to repeatedly point out that she was late and apologize to the uninterested crowd.  Ramona donned a red wig and impersonated Jill complaining about the size of her diamonds.  Self-serving LuAnn headed up the rear in full showgirl regalia singing a dragish tribute to Jill that had the crowd searching for her Adam’s Apple.Simon can’t quite quit smoking for good, so he hired a hypnotist to externally lobotomize his nicotine craving.  Like any good junkie, he had to go out for one last fix.  When he returned, Jacob put him under and repeatedly yelled “you are a non-smoker!” in an unidentifiable accent.Ramona checked into the party venue and panicked when she realized her precious Pinot hadn’t arrived.  She kept slurring “seriously” to convey the urgency of the issue to the staff.  From outside appearances, the only serious problem is the one Ramona seems to have with drinking.Both parties were impressive and very different.  Avery went with an all white wedding reception feel, and Victoria went with a downtown clubby vibe.  Ramona admitted she spent more on this party than she has on any other – even on herself and Mario.  Despite the monster budget, Jill couldn’t procure a cocktail napkin, not even from the bartender.In comparing the two parties, Victoria’s seemed more fun (she for sure had the better dress).  Rather than leverage her daughter’s birthday for her own side fiesta, LuAnn left early to bang Jacques and allowed Victoria to finish the night with her friends.  Lest we forget when you’re 16, the great parties aren’t the expensive ones; they are the ones with the least amount of parental supervision.

Where has Kathy Griffin’s comic MOJO gone?

Catch Kathy Griffin: Gurrl Down! last night?  The (un)special served as another in a string of disappointments from Mz. G.Remember when she was insightful, sharp, and funny?  What happened?  The hour was short on laughs.  In her prime, Kathy lasered in on the zeitgeist, but lately her guns need recalibration.  We don’t want to discuss Michele Bachmann, and it wasn’t even that good of a burn (though I appreciate Kathy’s efforts to discredit her before she becomes a legit Presidential contender in 2012.)

Resort 2012: To the Floor

Roksanda IlincicZac PosenCollette DinniganBCBG Max AzriaReem AcraMatthew WilliamsonViktor & RolfBadgley MischkaMichael KorsMonique L’huillierMaison Martin MargielaYigal AzrouelCollette DinniganMichael AngelPhilosophyReem AcraZac PosenValentino