Kacy and Cori dropped $1,920 for three vials of jizz.  Don’t guys make like $100 a donation?  That’s some mark-up.  The couple paid extra for a donor who was open to being contacted when his offspring reach 18.  They celebrated with friends, family, and pizza at an informal sperm party at their home.

Whenever LA gets too thick with the stench of familiar poon, Whitney flees to San Francisco to revisit previous delicacies.  (This time thankfully she upgraded to a larger and nicer hotel room – no offense Phoenix.)  Former dish Jaq conveniently bumped into Whitney at Lexington, an SF institution.  Their fling ended the previous summer when Jaq changed her FB status to “in a relationship,” a setting that acts as Whitney repellent.Later, Whitney hosted a party at Trigger where she soaked up all the fan-love from season one.  She worked the room and provided photo ops for the star-struck crowd. “The thing I don’t understand is like girls always want to smell my hair.  You know they’ll like come up and like sneak a sniff, and it’s like, I mean you can, but I don’t know if I should hand it to ‘em or what?  But one thing I’ve made sure of is that this shit always smells on point.”Alyssa and Rachel surprised Whitney in SF.  Rachel created an awkward situation when she assumed that she would be crashing in Whitney’s hotel room.  When Jaq showed up and smooched Whitney hello right in front of Rachel, it proved that regardless of geography, with Whitney, it’s never a drama-free weekend.Sajdah and Chanel sat down for their first official date.  Sajdah laid it on thick with lines like, “What I feel now?  I ain’t even know to desire before.  Like seriously like it’s more than I even knew to want.”  She then slid a note across the table old-school style and asked Chanel to check yes or no if she’d be her girlfriend.  She gifted Chanel a necklace and sealed the deal with a kiss.  Start loading the U-Haul.

Romi threw a dinner party and realized she didn’t know how to have fun without alcohol as a social lubricant.  After the meal, the group headed to the club where Kelsey got loaded and Romi got judgmental.  On the way home in the cab Kelsey complained about how the two never have sex.  Then she started crying over the fuck shortage and collapsed in Romi’s lap.Kelsey finally wore her down with tearful begging, and Romi relented and pity-fucked her.  Dudish Kelsey hilariously grunted “shit” after a particularly satisfying orgasm and closed the every-which-way reciprocal fucksesh by ejaculating.  Literally.

Many of you spent the first commercial break on your knees in front of the toilet after Bravo forced us to endure more contrived MILF-themed sexy times between Alex & Simon, Ramona & Mario, and LuAnn & Jacques.Simon and Alex conjured disgust trying to create mood with clichéd shellfish and lingerie aphrodisiacs.  Though it was toast-worthy that: 1) Simon fetched Alex at the airport with roses; and 2) they are one of the few happily married couples in the franchise.Ramona spread rose petals and waited for Mario to finish up with his mistress arrive.  After an awkward greeting, Ramona shared the fortuneteller’s prediction about Mario’s philandering.  Here’s his face right after Ramona broke the news.  Does he betray any guilt on that smug mug?Ramona set up an easy out, and he of course took the obvious Avery route.  Ramona sopped up every drop without hesitation.  Mmmdenialmmmdelicious.Mario looked thrilled and relieved he was off the hook.  Almost like he couldn’t believe he’d gotten so lucky….

Nobody gives a fuck about flaky Barshop, but Sonja’s wicked slowburn was uncovered by Cindy while flipping through the photos from Morocco.  Sonja cut her out of every one!  “Let’s just say revenge is best served cold and I enjoyed every moment of cutting her out of the pictures.  And I’m going to own it 100%.”News broke that Sonja filed bankruptcy on some mess of an investment she made in some unfinished, ill-conceived film project.  Already informed by the Wall Street Journal, Alex creased her brow, tilted her head, and inquired in a faux-caring tone, “How are you?”  The very sound of the question made Sonja want to leap across the table and slap her in the well-meaning face just to clear the echo of the rude intrusion.Enter Jill, who joined Alex in intensely and invasively interrogating Sonja about her private financial dealings.  Jill actually had the nerve to try and “explain” Sonja’s debts to her based on her extensive gossip column research.  Sonja should have shut it down from the get; her money ain’t none these bitches’ biznass anyway.The Cuntess cruised in and completed the coven.  The purpose of the gathering was that Jill invited everyone but Ramona (and Kelly who didn’t show) to preview her shapewear line.  Neither Bethenny nor Jill’s collections seem to bring any new colors or styles to the compression undergarment scene.  How many Spanx knock-offs does the world need?After the girdle summit, Alex met up with Ramona.  Alex wasted no time in tattling that Jill had excluded Ramona from the panty party.  Ramona was predictably and naturally pissed.  However, ultimately all of this was overshadowed by Ramona’s deformed (she had it coming) Gelfling-esque upper lip which completely dominated the entire scene.Alex is hellbent on creating as many on-screen opportunities as possible this season, so she invited the Cuntess to coffee under the pretense of clearing the air over their argument in Morocco.  Eager to deliver an obviously rehearsed monologue, Alex dispensed with the small talk and launched into a lengthy and unnecessary introduction before Miss Manners interrupted her. Clouded by fame-seeking, once again, Alex’s strategy backfired and left her showing her ass.  The Cuntess couldn’t give a royal fart over outer-borough Alex.  Even though Alex and Simon probably ran lines in preparation, Alex was still tongue-tied and outmatched in bitchery.  Her best moment was calling LuAnn rude in response to an aesthetic attack on her footwear.  Predictably, the curtain closed when the Cuntess swept out with a flourish of the cape and a flip of her duck-butt hair.