Monthly Archives: November 2011

Tori & Dean: Baby Making and Inventori Taking

Tori and Dean sucked us into this season by launching the episode with the stork depositing Scout and Bill’s newborn adopted baby SimoneScout and Bill are the least annoying part of this two-bit crew, so Mazel!  A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down, and the arrival of this little blessed bundle made for a more easily digestible reunion with Tori and the gang.The time line leapt ahead several months and caught up with Tori and Dean fussing over their hoarder-style garage.  As you know, Tori fancies herself an antique collector.  This bitch tries on new careers like underwear and this week her bright idea is a “pop-up store” (puke) where she can unload all her crap at marked-up prices to the gullible star-worshiping public.  Tori labors under the misapprehension that just because she rubbed her vadge up against something it makes it more valuable.Under rather fishy circumstances, Tori and Dean commit to a commercial lease of undetermined length at the first place they looked, which was an oddly-shaped disaster of a half-finished space Tori envisioned staging as an actual house.  How clever.As an aside, did you hear that Tori is single-handedly bringing back the faux-fur caplet?  Alert Women’s Wear Daily.Tori wants to play “buyer” as her career this season and impose her self-proclaimed exquisite design aesthetic on others.  By opening a store, she surmises that she can now shop freely without guilt.  Rather than addressing her consumerism, she’d rather just reframe it as collecting “inventori” for her new store.  That’s some seriously fucked-up self-rationalization right there.Always realistic with scheduling, Tori and Dean set a one month deadline for the grand Valentine’s Day opening of Inventori.  When Hoardi visited her storage space she couldn’t seem to part with anything even though the gaudy crap is just collecting dust.  How much you think she pays a month for 30 full-service storage vaults at Wetzels?  I find storage space morally objectionable.  Intentionally and usefully steward the object or let it go.Did you pee your pants a little when Dean’s agent called with news he’d landed a role in the “sequel to Trainspotting?”  Wait for it…. titled, “Ecstasy.”  I’ll let you rub that in your skin for a minute.Even though this role of a lifetime means that Dean will miss the inaugural of Inventori, Tori was more relieved his ass is bringing in child support than disappointed about his upcoming absence.As we all well know, Tori got pregnant and had a baby this year.  The last half of the episode volleyed between Tori’s pregnancy suspicions and the merchandising of Tori’s second-hand overpriced tacky shit Inventori.Tori fussed over her sick, snotty-nosed children rather than tend to her latest half-cocked career plan.  She delegated the final shop details, so when she arrived with James she was appalled to discover that items had been priced within the realm of reason by professional appraisers.James and Tori scurried around removing price tags from items as the newly hired store manger looked on with horrified dismay.  Even with the pricing drama, Inventori pulled in enough on its first day to warrant a delighted squeal from Tori when the closing day receipts were revealed.The episode closed with the swap of Valentine’s Day gifts.  Dean emerged with another tired-ass necklace.  Tori wrapped up her pee stick pregnancy test and gave it to DeanTori got doe-eyed and coy, and Dean got über Canadian.  Not sure why the two acted surprised; they have a fucking sign in front of their house that says the “McDermott Baby Factory.”

Tuesday’s Tarot

Slow, heavy, and deliberate, the Knight of Pentacles lumbers through life focused on work.  He is meticulous, detail-oriented, and finishes what he starts.  He has so many good traits, but charm and levity aren’t among them.  He can be so boring and dull.  Use this card as a gauge.  Has life become drudgery?  Is it all bill-paying and responsibility?  Are perfectionist tendencies obstructing your progress?  At his best, the Knight of Pentacles is the role model for investing and career trajectory.  At his worst, he can be rigid, pessimistic, and overly conservative.  Balance the extremes.

Leaky Ass & Self-Head

Last night E! closed out the holiday weekend with the premiere of Kim and Kourtney Take New York.  Many tuned in to see the demise of Kris and Kim’s short-lived marriage predictably unfold.  As expected, Kris behaved childishly, and narcissistic Kim remains completely self-involved.  None of this matters though because the only thing worth discussing was the anal leakage Kourtney left behind on the duvet after her Basti (Ayurvedic herbal oil enema).   Just to be clear, oil leaked out of Kourtney’s ass through her pants and onto Kris and Kim’s bed.  Ass oil spill ya’ll.   How do you compete with anal leakage?  Bravo aired a new episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.  First, we’re in agreement that Peter’s a bitch, right?  He was a bitch last week to Apollo and he was a bitch this week to Cynthia’s sister MalSheree was right, Peter’s serving bitchassnesss.  Again, none of this matters because the only thing worth discussing was Phaedra’s 35th birthday gift to Kandi in the form of Ridiculous, the stripper who performs self-head.  Like dude can straight suck his own dick.  After the performance, some guests (including Kandi’s Ma) acted deeply appalled at the auto-fellatio, but during the show not a single one of those riveted bitches turned away.

Sunday with Jimi Hendrix

in case you missed it…

Most of you have heard about the struggles Bethenny Frankel has experienced while attempting to develop, market, and sell her version of a daily network talk show.  Reports surfaced that decision-makers didn’t think she wasn’t likable enough.  Then there were those pesky allegations concerning false labeling on Skinnygirl Margarita, which further chipped away at her crumbling credibility.  And it wasn’t so long ago confusion swirled around the value of the Skinnygirl sale.  The cumulative effect?  Page Six reports that any hope for a syndicated deal is as dead as a Thanksgiving turkey.You guys watching Revenge?  Can’t really say it’s good, but blank-eyed Amber Valletta and an Herve Leger-clad Madeleine Stowe have kept it mildly interesting.  How much has this fall sucked in terms of tv?  So much.  In any other year at any other time, Revenge wouldn’t even be worth mentioning.We are neither surprised by nor interested in the break up of Ashton and Demi’s marriage.  Nobody seriously thought that shit would last, so the media can just relax with all their pearl clutching.  We all know the grounds for divorce.  Under the reason for dissolution, next to Ashton’s name, check the “douche” box; next to Demi’s, check “desperately clinging to youth.”

Friday’s 5 ways to burn 500 calories

Fuck for 100 minutes.Rearrange furniture for 67 minutes.

Shop if you must: 3 hours, 6 minutes. Catch up on sleep; 8.5 hours burns approximately 500 calories.Mop your dirty ass floors for 100 minutes.

Thanks * Give * Give * Thanks

Pro-Cranberry, Anti-Can

Some of you actually look forward to that can-shaped glob?  This year, go fresh with the cranberries.  Here are a few good reasons to work the delicious piquant berry into the daily mix, Thanksgiving or not. Raw cranberries are a source of antioxidants and goodness thought to benefit the cardiovascular and immune systems, in addition to possessing anti-cancer properties.  What they say about cranberry juice (no sugar!) and urinary tract infections isn’t just an old wives’ tale.  Cranberries have anti-clotting properties believed responsible for crippling E. coli in the urinary tract.  Scientists are exploring whether cranberries can be helpful in managing naughty bacteria in other parts of the body as well, like the proliferating invader that causes stomach ulcers.  Dietary consumption of cranberry has also been shown to reduce the risk of chronic inflammation in the stomach and colon.Cranberry season is short, but they freeze beautifully, and make an unexpected and colorful addition to autumn dishes. 

Tuesday’s Tarot

The Page of Pentacles signals one of two opportunities: 1) for self-study and reflection, or 2) to implement plans, expand, and prosper.  The Page gazes at the Pentacle as if it were a magic eight ball.  With this card, the outlook is usually rosy.  Take a practical approach to effectuate success and rely on trusted business associates to do their job.  They are people of their word.  In general, the Page of Pentacles is a positive card and a good reminder to celebrate life and seize chances.