Monthly Archives: February 2012

fall 2012 rtw: girly coats

Burberry ProrsumHelmut LangAlberta FerrettiChadwick BellGiorgio ArmaniRuffianMissoniRag & BoneBurberry Prorsum

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: On Public Grooming

After several recent appalling experiences on the subway, Blanche D’Almonds requested a Demeter Clarc Manners Moment on the social boundaries of public grooming.  This one’s for you Blanche. No public nail clipping please.  In China public nail clipping is a socially acceptable practice, but you don’t live in China do you?  I’m pretty sure this website is banned in China.  Public nail clipping should be banned everywhere. A tacky bitch labors under the delusion that a public lipstick application is some sort of foreplay for the orally fixated.  Do not break out your compact and lipstick at the dinner table.  Ever. Along with your compact and lipstick, keep your hairbrush in your bag until you reach private quarters.  Furthermore, keep your hands out of your hair whenever in the presence of food. No matter how tempting, keep your fingers out of your mouth in public.  This prohibition includes teeth picking, nail biting, and thumb sucking.  Note how enchanting Catherine Zeta-Jones looks extracting her appetizer from her incisor.

2012 Oscars Style Review: The Best, The Worst, The Most, The Toast

The Best: Emma Stone in Giambattista Valli

This gorgeous gown fit her body perfectly, accentuated her tiny waist, and stood out in a sea of mediocrity.  Don’t love the accessories, but I’m not in the mood to quibble.

You Saw It Here First: Shailene Woodley in Valentino Couture

Fresh from the couture collections, Shailene Woodley wore this modern, white, long-sleeved number.  It might look familiar since we featured it as part of the best of Fall 2012 Couture earlier this month.  It’s a little old for her, and her face would benefit from a pop of color, but not a flop by any means.

Most Confusing: Viola Davis in Vera Wang

This looks like the homicide of Puff the Magic Dragon.  A full-on unmitigated lapse in aesthetic judgment.

Fulfilled Potential: Tina Fey in Carolina Herrera

We’ve all been waiting for Tina Fey to step out looking this good.  Finally, she’s really come into her own in this navy peplum-detailed gown.

Evoking a Cult Leader: Gwyneth Paltrow in Tom Ford

I’m not saying I don’t like this, but she’s delivering a whole lot of white here.  Can’t you picture her standing at a podium condescendingly addressing an arena full of Goopies in this odd get-up?   “Follow me, affluent women, to the land of organic peas…”

Most Offensive Overtry: Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad

Nude illusion Fruit Stripe Gum.

Culmination of a Bad Fashion Awards Season Run: Jessica Chastain

Fashion-wise, Chastain hasn’t found her identity.  Her style choices were as varied and uneven as her performances this year.  It looks like she skinned Kimora Lee’s sofa.  Let this be a lesson – McQueen is not for everyone.

Let Me Upgrade You: Clooney in Armani, Keibler in Marchesa

Clooney’s clout ensures his girls-of-the-moment have access to all the best fashion houses and some very high-end clothes, but even in all their borrowed sartorial finery, his dates still look like they should be holding cards above their heads in the middle of a wrestling ring.

Most Predictable: Pitt in Tom Ford and Jolie in Versace Atelier

I’m so bored with these two.  Oh, how fucking shocking you two bitches showed up in black.  Close your legs dear, you’re not dancing the can-can.  Ever since I heard that thing she said to him at the Globes, I’ve kinda hated them.  She turned to him and said “you’re prettier than me.”  Fucking voms yo.

The Bridesmaids: Kristin Wiig in J. Mendel

While the bodice of this dress is tailored beautifully for her body, the placement of the break into the texture is awkward and unflattering.

Melissa McCarthy in Marina Rinaldi

Are we calling this mauve?  I’m pretty sure we issued a fatwa on mauve at the end of the 80’s.

Maya Rudolph in Johanna Johnson

Here’s one of the few purple looks of the night.  It’s a safe, conservative, and unoffensive choice.  The side-swept hair is very Mariah.

Building Relationships Pays Off: Octavia Spencer in Tadashi Shoji

After favorable reviews from fashion folk for her Globes look, Octavia went back to Tadashi Shoji for her Oscar gown.  Clearly, cultivating that relationship has paid off; the designer knows her body and the fit is beautiful.  Second best of the night.

Dress I wanna like, but Don’t: Cameron Diaz in Gucci

I really want to like this Gucci gown, but I don’t.  She needs a waist and this dress gives her no shape through the torso.  It reminds me of a melting chocolate and vanilla soft-serve twist cone.

Consistently Wasted Potential: Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton

This dress is too fussy, ill-fitting, and heavy for such a delicate wisp of a girl.  This ensemble ain’t right – the necklace, the bag (and I get where they are going with the clash, but here, no), and that gawd awful frump of a saloon-girl-gone-wrong disaster of a frock.

Sure to be Critically EvisceratedRooney Mara in Givenchy

No one will get this.  Even if they did, the cut isn’t flattering to her body.  If you do avant-garde, you have to do it impeccably.

Post-baby Blah: Natalie Portman in vintage Dior

She gave birth to a new era of shitty style.

Two A-List Underwhelmers: Sandra Bullock in Marchesa and Penelope Cruz in Giorgio Armani.

Sandra’s dress isn’t doing her body any favors.  Is a gold shrub trying to munch her bush?  WTF?  Pene, you are almost forty, enough with the princess shit.  Join us in 2012.

Sunday with Erykah Badu

Estee Lauder Idealist Even Skintone Illuminator: third week (weak)

You must be thinking “what else could this bitch possibly say about this GD serum?”  Would you be surprised if I told you I indeed had more insights to share?  Not unless this is your first day joining us, in which case, welcome.   Estee Lauder Even Skintone Illuminator doesn’t play particularly well with other products.  If this lightweight gliding lotion provides enough moisture for you under your make-up, then you may like it just fine.  Add a deeper emollient over top and the pilling commences.  This mica-infused light reflector gums up into little balls.  File pilling products under major beauty pet peeve. By week three, I should be seeing maximum results, but instead I haven’t noticed any additional lightening in hyper-pigmentation.  The Demeter Clarc beauty-meter is tipping towards disappointment, but we’ll give Idealist Even Skintone Illuminator its fourth week to win us over.

To Glasses

Thanks for all your love and well wishes yesterday.  So far so good.  All went well with the Pink Floyd Laser Light Show.  I’m currently writing this 12 hours after surgery without glasses or dreadful contacts. I can’t help but feel a little misty for my glasses.  Not my dependence on them, but they do add a certain flavor to the face, no?  So today is dedicated to glasses.  I haven’t forgotten you.  I won’t be a hipster douche who wears you without a vision-correcting purpose, but I will continue to appreciate a well-placed pair.

Today is the Day, so send some Love my way?

My contacts make me miserable.  Today is the day.  This morning I’m letting some dude laser my eyeballs in the quest for clearer sight. 

So fucking freaky right?

I promise to tell you all about it when it’s over.  I know it is a totally elective procedure, and those who have been through it say it’s no big deal.  Nevertheless, if you happen to have any protective and healing energy to spare today, I’d be much obliged.  Appreciate you.  xoxo, DC

Bryan Kest’s Power Yoga Master Class

My first impression of Bryan Kest was from his cheesy Power Yoga videos from way back in the day.  Let’s be frank, it’s hard to take a man seriously who looks like this, see below with a super nubile Seane Corn.   Over the last year, I’ve taken a couple of Bryan Kest’s Power Yoga Master Classes and he’s surprisingly down to earth and practical in his approach.  He begins the class with an informal lecture, followed by over an hour and a half of physical asana practice, and concludes with a guided meditation. Yeah, he recycles cheesy one liners like “yoga, it’s like dancing without the bulimia,” but he also peppers the practice with gems like (my personal favorite), “If you bring your shit into yoga, you turn your yoga into shit.”  He’s currently winding his way through the country teaching his 3 hour master class at different yoga studios.  He calls it a “master class,” but don’t be intimidated.  Kest keeps it basic and accessible to most.  I wouldn’t make it your first yoga class ever, but if you practice regularly you’ll be fine.  If the opportunity arises to take his class, I recommend it.And I hate to bring this up, but for the starfuckers that need a little more persuading….he dated Lisa Bonet a few years ago, and there is a persistent (but false) web rumor that he fathered a love child with her. 

Bethenny’s House Warming Party

Bethenny Ever After returned last night.  After a few seasons of a spin-off focused on Bethenny’s claw to the top, this season courts our collective envy and resentment by showcasing the expenditure of her new obscene wealth.  A couple of interesting points worth mentioning before we get to Frankel’s new apartment: 1) Bethenny made Jason sign a pre-nup; and 2) He’s still butthurt about it.  As for the dirty details on the family’s new condo, The NY Post reports Bethenny purchased a unit located on the 5th floor at 195 Hudson St. in Tribeca.  The 3,600 square foot, four bedroom joint located in the “baller building” (her words, not mine), was rumored to cost just shy of $5 million.  Did she overpay?  The same unit was sold in oh-five for $3.265 million and again in oh-seven for $3.725 million.  In August of 2011, Bethenny paid $4.995 or $388 more per square foot than the previous owner.  That said, smaller neighboring condo 5A just sold for $5.125 million, so maybe she got a bargain after all?