Monthly Archives: August 2012

gone girl

By now many of you have torn through Gone Girl, Gillian Flynn’s two-sided tale of a wife’s disappearance.  Word on the street is that 20th Century Fox snatched up the film rights for 7 figures.  Reese Witherspoon is set to produce and star.  This project is exactly what Reese needs to resuscitate her struggling and aimless career.  Amy Dunne = Reese’s revival.  Now who shall we cast as Nick?  If you haven’t read it, get Gone Girl now or risk finding yourself hopelessly out of touch.  The big twist?  Many of you, like me, will see it coming from a mile up river.

5 things you should never ever do

fart in an elevator.

spend more than four consecutive nights at someone’s house without paying rent.

speed up to cut someone off.

break a promise.

fuck in your parents’ bed.

 

for the boys ~ Viktor & Rolf ~ spring 2013

Demeter Clarc: 5, Mice: 0

I love the woods, but I do not enjoy a rodent infestation.  Which is exactly what I moved into the 1st of July.  I spent more than a few nights jumping at every little sound completely skeeved at the thought of the disease harbingers prancing around on my possessions.

I declared war, and I do believe I have won.

As you know, I respect life.  I don’t eat animals and don’t like to kills things.  However, when it comes to pests invading my home, I develop serial-killer ruthlessnses. First, block your enemy’s entries and exits.  Use steel wool to plug up even the tiniest hole.  Mice won’t chew through it.  Exterior dryer vents can create easy access for critters, but don’t block them completely or you’ll catch the damn house on fire.  Try metal mesh screen as a barrier, but remember to clean the lint out regularly.   Our furry friends are good climbers and jumpers, so plug every little opening even if it is some distance from the ground. Second, and I’m likely to get some flack for this, lay the glue traps.  In my experience, they are the easiest, cheapest, and most effective traps.  Are they cruel?  Perhaps.  But life is cruel.  Put these traps down along walls and near the entry and exit points you plugged with steel wool.  The entrapped creatures will go for the exit and get stuck.  Next, help your local predators by trimming down tall grass.  Rodents love to hide out in tall grass.  Cut it down and they’ll have no refuge.  Consider attracting rodent predators by building a barn owl box.  Some of you are getting smug about your cats.  Honestly, most of your lazy-ass cats wouldn’t catch a mouse if it walked up in handcuffs. We caught five mice total before word hit the street that we weren’t messing around and the rest of the crew moved on down the way to the next opportunity.  For over a month now – not a trace – nothing. 

 

 

Sunday with Melissa McCarthy

first fire

I woke up this morning to the unmistakable chill of fall nipping at my buns as I peeled myself outta bed.  Time to build the first fire of the season.  At the yoga conference I attended this weekend, I sat in splendid pure nature and watched some douche light up a chemical gel packet to start the campfire.  WEAK SAUCE. One of the many pearls of wisdom we all learned from Troop Beverly Hills is that any good Scout can start a fire without stooping to chemical enhancement.  

Here’s h0w I like to catch a fire…

What you must know right from the start is that fire needs to be wooed, romanced, and coaxed into ignition.  My good friend Lisa and I lived in the mountains together many moons ago.  I would get home from work and she’d be shivering on the sofa under a blanket.  She would meekly point to the struggling embers, evidence of her best effort, and say “I’m cold.”  Fire-making is an art that requires patience and respect for the process.  Feed it too little and it will starve.  Feed it too much and it will collapse under its own weight. 

First gather your materials.  I like shredded paper – why not get rid of it this way?  Just keep the glossies out; they release toxic chemicals when burned.  Kindling is key.  You need a lot of little dry sticks, scrap wood, and dry pine cones.  Think small and plentiful when it comes to kindling.  You need to build up the heat of the fire before you throw on a big log. Get your logs arranged from small to big and into soft and hard woods.  The hard woods will take longer to ignite, but burn longer.  Save them until the fire is really hot.

Make a loose pile of paper or shreddings; make sure air can permeate the stack.  If you use newspaper, wad it up into tight balls and place them close together in the center of the fireplace.  Find your smallest and driest kindling pieces and gently arrange them in a tee-pee shape around the paper creating a cone. 

Place the larger pieces of wood to the far outside edge of the inside of the fireplace.  These aren’t for burning now, but by lining the edge of the fireplace the wood gets warm and ready to burn when it is time to add it to the fire.

Light the paper with long matches, a lighter, or aim & flame.  Get out of the way.  Don’t burn yourself.  Wear fire safe gloves to be safe.  Watch the fire.  Coax the fire.  Woo the fire.  Tend the fire.

Gradually add larger pieces of kindling until a roaring flame erupts.  Allow the fire to breathe.  If you are creating your flame magic in a wood burning stove, close the door and let the heat build.  If you are in a fireplace, don’t over-poke the fire.  You constant pokers know who you are. 

When the fire is ready for more, usually one of the edges of those larger pieces begins to catch.  Use your fireplace tools – pokers here is your moment – to shift the larger logs to the center of the fire.  No plopping and one at a time!  Adding too much too fast can douse your fire faster than a hose. 

Remember fireplaces and campfires shouldn’t be left unattended.  If you light the fire you make sure the fire is responsibly extinguished.  Don’t be burning the forest down bitches. 

Now go forth and impress with your fire making.  Mercilessly mock those who require starter logs and chemical accelerators.  When the zombie apocalypse happens, thanks to this post and Bear Grylls, you’ll be ready.   

 

booksmart

Bobbi’s BB Bungle?

You guys know I had such high hopes for BB’s BB Cream.  I ordered two different shades and used one for the first time today.  My issues are as follows: 1) I was expecting major slip, easy glide, blend-ability, but not so much.  2) The coverage was slightly better than tinted moisturizer; I actually prefer Bobbi’s tinted moisturizer to this.  3)  I got sweaty, and it ran into my eyes, and it burned like the dickens.  In sum, this BB was a big limp-dick let down. 

I still prefer TheBalm’s BalmShelter.  Since my recommendation you bitches keep buying it all up because it’s been back ordered from my fav retailer for an annoyingly long time.  It’s a Demeter Clarc-induced beauty drought. 

lip service

Over the last few seasons we’ve witnessed a return to the statement lip.  Bypassing regular go-to red, many opted to experiment with bolder shades like bright matte pink.  By now you’ve seen gals give this trend a go with mixed results.  Perhaps you’ve noticed that the wrong shade of dense matte lipstick can age even a dewy 20 year old.The face of Fall 2012 offers a softer and more accessible lip.  Armani showed us a pucker one could kiss without needing a make-up removing wipe afterwards.  Is there anything less dignified than thumbing smears of lipstick off a victim’s face after a smooch?Karl cosigned a similar natural pout at Fall 2012 Chanel Couture.  Hi Lindsey Wixson.  That’s not to say the runways were free from dissent; Jean Paul Gaultier served us red and glossy with his immaculately tailored lady-pimp collection.