Monthly Archives: April 2013

3 expressions I am sick of hearing

Change is difficult for me.  

No shit. We are biologically hardwired to perceive change as a threat.  Of course you fear change.  It isn’t an excuse for bad behavior.

I will try. 

To paraphrase Yoda: there is no try, only do.

Let’s schedule a meeting. 

Why does everybody have to do everything by gawd damn committee?  Make a decision and execute.

move it

To be completely honest my life is turned upside down right now.  The moment in nature has ended.  A major relationship has ended.  The dream of a big project has ended.  Some of my stuff is here.  Some of my stuff is there.  Then my dear laptop friend Joan Crawford passed on, and until her replacement arrives I am at the mercy of the kindness of friends to update you.  No excuses.  Just letting you know why the erratic post schedule in case your pussy has been hurting over it or whatever. I know some you bitches are fanatical readers and for that I ♥ you.

They say write what you know, and lately I’ve become a reluctant expert in moving.  (Blanche, I know you feel me on this girl.  You and Ryan are about the only two fools that move more than I do.)  We discussed this topic before, but a few points are worth reiterating and a few worth adding.

You can never have too many boxes, especially smaller ones.  I like a mix of free liquor or grocery store boxes and specialty boxes.   For example, I purchase picture boxes properly sized to protect my art collection.  Yeah bitch, I got an art collection.  And what?  Make sure that if you pack a big box that you can lift the big box.

Smart movers know that tape on a well-made tape gun is an absolute non-negotiable.  You need a gun for everyone and a spare for when one of those fuckers misplaces theirs.  Buy tape in bulk.

Start packing early.  Kitchens, closets, and storage areas will take longer than you think.  Leave extra time.  When I rush, I make careless errors.  When you rush a move, you can actually injure yourself.  Wanna add a trip to the emergency room to an already stressful day?  (Blanche’s elbow says amen.)

I tend to shy away from hiring moving companies, but one way or the other you are going to need some muscle.  Just remember that no one will treat your things with the same care that you would, so keep an eye on folks lugging your possessions.  Move your own electronics.

Use linens to cushion breakables.  Watch how nicely those framed pictures slip inside a pillowcase.  Socks hug drinking glasses.

Clearly mark the contents of your boxes.  There will be a moment when you are surrounded by stacks of boxes at your new place when you are looking for something specific.  Unpacking a bunch of boxes to find the scissors will drive you bananas.

Make a list.  It may seem rather obvious what you are doing here – packing up and cleaning, but in a state of dishevelment a list provides direction and structure.  Plus, everyone can work off a list, so you don’t have to constantly stop what you are doing to supervise others.

Realize that moving sucks.  It kicks up a substantial amount of physical and psychological dirt.  View it as an opportunity to shed the weight of unused possessions, but recognize that process can be painful and difficult.  You will probably act like a twat, so budget some money to take your helpers out to a post-move dinner.

 

SUNNY SUNDAY

The Fourth Peel

So those perky bitches at the spa convinced me to buy a six peel package.  I’m on peel four, (the first of which was not included in the package).  The results have been widely varying from peel to peel.  The first peel produced mild, but noticeable peeling.  There was definitely a “peel” day.  By the third sesh, I felt my skin had built up a tolerance, so when I entered my fourth I mentioned that the impact of the treatments seemed to diminish as the appointments progressed.  She decided to leave the peel on a bit longer to intensify the results. Coachella left a dust storm film on my face which I really wanted to remove.  I also endured significant and inevitable sun exposure standing in the middle of a polo field all damn day.  These truths, paired with my recent usage of Arcona’s Mandarin Brightening Peel apparently left my skin quite vulnerable because my face really fucking peeled.  Certain patches burned raw.  Not to mention how embarrassing it is to walk around with your face flaking off visible debris.  Not a good look.   I don’t believe I have suffered any permanent damage from my over enthusiasm, but I will never again challenge the aesthetician to intensify the power of the peel.

Better to have several mild peels with less irritation rather than one big inflamed peel that leaves you face-shamed for days.  

Eater’s Digest

I know a little dove who swears by Traditional Medicinals Eater’s Digest to tame his tummy troubles.  I asked him what he liked about the aperitif and he compared imbibing Eater’s Digest to savasana for your intestinal tract.  These days a walk down the tea aisle feels like a visit to the pharmacy with all the ailments the brews promise to cure, but in this instance the tea lives up to its claims.  Eater’s Digest, for when you heart someone who farts.

Vegas Veggie House

I confess I hate Las Vegas.  It is not the town for the pragmatic or the vegetarian, so there are two strikes against me right there.   However, after recently seeking out Veggie House, I now have a reason to look forward to refueling in the (cultural) desert.

In the ancient tradition of vegetarian Chinese cooking, Veggie House serves some of the best mock meat for miles.  Veggie House offers an extensive menu of cruelty-free seafood, beef, and chicken.  Enjoy the crispy “beef” and save the sweetfaced cow.  

Veggie House is truly a vegetarian oasis in one of the world’s most unrelentingly carnivorous cities.  Located in Chinatown, it will also get your uncultured ass off that gawd awful soul-less strip.

joan crawford is dying.

Is is with much regret that I inform you that Joan Crawford, the little pink laptop that could, is struggling to take her last breath.  It would be unjust to labor her with another post in her condition.  I must set forth to find her replacement today.  If it were not for Joan Crawford, Demeter Clarc could not be.  Let’s all pay her a brief tribute for her tireless service.  We will never forget when she arrived on that fateful Valentine’s Day.  It’s the end of a rose-colored era, darling.  Today is for you dear Joan.

Would You Rather?

Would you rather have your car washed and gassed every week or receive a pair of diamond earrings?Me = care for the car bitch. Would you rather couple with someone of means with no sex drive or a poor person who is always pawing at you?Me = desire over dinero. Would you rather take an exotic trip with four people you barely know or stay home alone?Me = I’d rather be domestically bored than internationally annoyed. Would you rather have 1 oz of premium chocolate or a whole bag of Hershey’s?Me = It’s chocolate so I’ll take either in a pinch, but quality over quantity. Would you rather have a $100,000 home that is paid for or a $1,000,000 home with a mortgage? Me = free and clear. 

 

Fall 2013 RTW: By Malene Birger