Monthly Archives: August 2013

This is Embarrassing

KATY PERRY KILLER QUEENTake a look at Katy Perry’s print ad for her new perfume Killer Queen.  Is it me, or is it hilarious?  She looks like a Megan Fox blow-up doll dressed in Rihanna’s cast off S&M boots.  This is a dead-eyed disaster, no?  OWN THE THRONE?!  The ad slogan is a euphemism for taking a shit which makes sense since this whole scene smells like a shitty kitty.

LOVES BABY SOFTJust who is wearing/buying all this gaggy perfume?  14 year old girls?  I keep hearing these perfume deals are lucrative.  What happened to Love’s Baby Soft?  Can I get some Exclamation!?EXCLAIMATION

4 for Friday: Labor Day Weekend Edition

POLTERGEISTFirst, thanks to all my daily devoted for your patience and understanding with the programming interruptions as I get technology set up at my new joint.  I will try and make it up to you with some bonus posts in the coming week.  Stay tuned.THE NATIONAL TROUBLE WILL FIND MEWith fall coming I can finally sink into The National’s Trouble Will Find Me.  Right now it’s all about the quiet urgency of Fireproof.  Dunno ’bout you, but I’ve had my fill of summer bangerz.  I’m ready for some existential melancholy.   PLASTIC WASHER HOSEFirst time home buyer’s lesson of the week: when buying a new washer, purchase braided steel connection hoses.  Don’t trust the janky plastic ones they give you unless you like mopping up a flooded laundry room. BRAIDED FLEX HOSEGearing up for a rowdy holiday weekend?  Good for you.  Now go back and read your Demeter Clarc August Horoscope, because astrologically speaking this isn’t the weekend to test the boundaries of your luck or the patience of law enforcement.  It is not an exaggeration to mention that you could hurt yourself or someone else.  Have fun, but keep your ballsack harnessed.  HARNESS YOUR BALLSACK


sink stank

SINK STANKWhen your sink stanks don’t bother with gimmicky solutions. PLINK

All you need is lemons.  Send small pieces of lemon with the peel down the disposal to eliminate the odor.  The cast off lemon wedge from your ice tea is enough to do the trick.  LEMONS

Archive or Give?

CLEAN THE CLOSETNot to be a one-note Nancy this week, but I’m cleaning out my closet for the fourth time this year and I’ve vowed to brutally cut the collection down to a reasonable amount this time.  In addition to the obvious (Have I worn it in the last year?  Do I even like it anymore?)  I have come up with criteria for sorting which helps make quick decisions about what stays and what goes. STAY OR GODoes it fit right now?  It makes no difference how ravishing a garment is if it doesn’t fit.  Pitch anything that sits in your closet and mocks you because you can’t squeeze into it.  When sorting, you must be prepared to try things on.  It is tedious, but it is the only way you know for sure and you might be pleasantly surprised.  TOO SMALLDoes it require repair and is the repair worth the investment?  Unless you love, love, love, the item, it’s a collectible, or super expensive, chances are you aren’t going to have that hem stitched, zipper replaced, or strap resown.  If the wounded clothing has been sitting there for 6 months or more sad, unworn, and broken, let it go. NOT THE SOLUTIONHave I only kept the item because I have an emotional attachment?  On a rare occasion, I will hang on to clothing just because of the way I feel when I look at it even if I know I will never wear it again.  I emphasize rare occasion, meaning 10 items or less of pure sentimentality.  Emotional resonance notwithstanding, it is a disservice when I don’t use something to its highest purpose.  I’d rather pass it on to someone who will.GUNNE SAXCan I envision how cute it would be on my friend?  If the answer is yes, I share.  It makes them happy and me happy too. NONE OF THIS SHIT IS CUTE BITCH


I love it when…

CLOSET PURGE…I organize my bags, and in addition to spare change, I find a bounty of lighters I didn’t even know I had. LIGHTERS…I wake up on Monday morning and everybody is hating on Miley.  The world has come correct. MILEY HATE…You clean out your closet and shit fits you better now then it did ten years ago – and it’s still cute!STILL FITS


Lies People Told Me This Week

BARBIE WAX1.  From my bikini waxer after my first Brazilian (hurt like a mutherfucker – I thought dry needling was bad – it is a massage compared to a Brazilian, sheesh): “You’ll be completely bare for two full weeks.”  I’ve hardly regained a full bush, but “completely bare” is a hyperbolic exaggeration of the current state of my regrowth. NOT BRAZILIAN INTERESTING2.  From a good friend over dive-Mexican food: “Sometimes, it’s just sex.”  Really?  Then why are you sitting here asking me to parse his last message for subtext?  If it was just about sex you wouldn’t be vexed over whether he likes you or not.  Mostly, it’s not just sex, and deep down you know it. GIRLS

3.  From the appliance delivery guys: “We’ll be there between 9:00-11:00 am.”  Close to noon, they finally showed up.  I can’t be too pissed at their tardiness though, there is a special place in heaven for people who lift heavy things up stairs.  APPLIANCE DELIVERY IN NEPAL

Grout Haze

GROUT HAZEI’ve been working hard to clean up my remodel so I can show you, but one problem I was repeatedly plagued with was grout haze.  As we discussed, I put in porcelain plank tile.  The grout left a residue which dimmed the shine and color of the tile.  I cleaned it once on my hands and knees with Mrs. Meyers and a scrubby sponge = still hazy. ON YOUR KNEES BIATCH I went back over the floors with Mrs. Meyers and Swiffer a second time = better, but still hazy.  Finally, I broke out the distilled white vinegar.  Is there anything distilled white vinegar can’t do?HEINZ DISTILLED WHITE VINEGAR A bucket of hot water + vinegar + hands & knees = finally clean floor.  Sometimes, I make things too complicated.  White vinegar does what other cleaners can’t.  Relax. The smell dissipates quickly.  Vinegar is natural, non-toxic, widely-available, and cheap.  Don’t bother with expensive cleaners aimed at clearing grout haze, white vinegar and a little commitment is all you need hunny.GROUT HAZE BW

Demeter Clarc Tidy Tip: Smooth-Sided Toilets

AMERICAN STANDARD SMOOTH SIDED TOILETSome of the filthiest and most difficult areas to clean are the bends, folds, and bolts of the toilet.  I confess, I hate cleaning this area so much.  It feels like no matter how many times I go over it, I uncover more dust, dirt, hair, and grime.  Why is it a harbor for mystery pubes?  So gross.  Truly, it is one of my most despised cleaning tasks. GROSS DIRTY TOILETTOP FLUSH SMOOTH SIDED TOILETWhen I remodeled recently, I opted for a smooth-sided toilet.  The shape eliminates all those little areas where disgusting funk collects.  With this style commode, a good once or twice over and the gunk is gone.  SQUARE SMOOTH SIDED TOILETSmooth-sided toilets are a skosh more expensive than the cheapest entry-level traditional style thrones, but how many toilets are you going to buy in your life?  When considering the number of times you will perch here as well as the frequent cleanings, it makes sense to spring for the modern smooth-sided one piece.  AMERICAN STANDARD SMOOTH SIDED TOILET

Peach Sunnies