Monthly Archives: June 2014

$$$cushion$$$

MONEY BEDIn the last few weeks, I know six different people who experienced shitty luck with their cars.  Four of those incidents were parked hit and runs.  In three of the four situations, the cowardly assailant didn’t leave a note.  Another girl backed into a pole.  Another lost her keys.  I learned from observing the way these folks weathered their losses.  In the first draft of this post, I was tempted to write that “unexpectedly” shitty things happen in life, but if I’m honest, I do expect shitty things to happen and that’s why I’m often better prepared for them than most people.  I’m not smug; I’m just unrelentingly pessimistic.SUZE ORMAN DENIEDI’m not trying to get all Suze Orman on your ass, but do you have sufficient savings to cushion a crisis should one arise?  A couple of the aforementioned victims make good salaries, but when life turded in their path they panicked and had to borrow money.  I’m willing to loan people money in a pinch.  Though I confess I throw a little side-eye when people who make shit-ton of cash don’t have any sort of emergency stash to weather life’s downturns. PIGGY BANK PONDERSPeople measure security in different ways, but a year’s worth of living expenses in an emergency fund is a reasonable start.  (Calculating in your head?  Double the number. We underestimate spending.)  Should life deal you illness, job loss, or a tornado, a shittymoments fund ensures tragedy isn’t compounded by financial stress.  Once you get your fund established and are enjoying a stress-free stretch of life, some of you will be tempted to blow your safety cash on an extravagant purchase.  DON’T.  Giuseppe Zanottis aren’t that chic when you are living out of your car.CAR HOUSE

EMA /// MAS YSA

EMA LOST LAKEI saw EMA this week at a local hole in the wall.  This joint is so small you literally brush elbows with the talent.  She invited Mas Ysa to open for her.  He was neither superb nor abysmal.  I would describe his set like I describe this website – as amateurish, but charming.  Anyway, after he finished and during EMA‘s set he settles in next to me.  We chat a little.  He sporadically shouts at the stage and dances wildly with nervous over-intensity.  I tried to reassure him with a few kind words about his performance.  I came to see EMA, so I’m not trying to talk to the opening act during her set.  That seems a bit disrespectful.  The room is small, so everyone can see everyone.  After loudly proclaiming his love for the headliner, he flailed around for two songs and then split for the bar.  I suspect this is a metaphor for his entire existence.  Sometimes, you learn everything you need to know about someone in the first two songs.  MAS YSA

 

Menswear Spring 2015: Tom Ford

TOM FORD MENSWEAR 2015 3TOM FORD MENSWEAR 2015TOM FORD MENSWEAR 2015 1TOM FORD MENSWEAR 2015 5TOM FORD MENSWEAR 2015 9TOM FORD MENSWEAR 2015 2 TOM FORD MENSWEAR 2015 4TOM FORD MENSWEAR 2015 7TOM FORD MENSWEAR 2015 6TOM FORD MENSWEAR 2015 8

Skills for Life: teenagers lie

TEENAGE KISSAs you know, I’m not a parent.  I don’t even have a pet.  My cayenne pepper plant is the closest thing to a being that depends on me, and it could probably survive on my porch for some time without intervention.  Even though I’m not a parent, I was a teenager.  And to quote Wendy Williams, I was a teenager who was “up to thangs.”  Drugs. Fighting. Musicians. Protests. Shows. Parties. Mischief. Jail.  Because of these experiences, I know when others are up to thangs.TRAFFIC BATHROOM FREEBASEI have a friend.  Well-educated and hard-working, she’s done exceptionally well for herself.  With no children of her own, she treats her family generously.  Years back, she promised her niece that if she met certain stipulations, my friend would take her to Europe for high school graduation.  Recently, the niece graduated.  True to her word, my friend planned a lovely trip overseas for the two of them.A ROOM WITH A VIEWTwo days after gradation and less than a week before their planned departure date, niece split her car between two trees driving drunk.  Thankfully, niece walked away unscathed as did her two passengers.  The collision destroyed the car.  One passenger fled on foot.  One stayed behind.  Niece called her parents.  Her parents awoke to the middle of the night call – a nightmare.  The concerned couple leapt from slumber to fetch a nearly-passed-out-drunk niece from a nearby location.BTW TREESThe family returned to the scene of the wreck.  When the tow truck was called to retrieve the crunched car, the tow truck driver informed the parents that he was obligated to notify the police because the property damage exceeded $1000.  While her parents are cleaning up her mess, niece is passed out drunk in the back seat of their car.LOHAN PASS OUTCops show up.  Dad says he’s the one that was driving.  Dad receives citation for reckless driving.  As a result, teenage drunk driving niece endures zero consequences for her extraordinarily reckless actions.  The next day, niece plays innocent and convinces naive parents that this is the first time she has ever driven drunk.  She appears contrite.  They allow her to go to Europe anyway.90210 IN PARISI think this response is total bullshit.  Not on my friend’s part.  She’s an innocent bystander in this situation just following through on her promise, and I admire her for that.  I’m looking at the parents in judgement.  Parents never want to believe the worst or the truth regarding their child (too often one in the same).  “The other kid was the ringleader… My kid was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”  I can’t with the excuses.  Your kid is a fucker.  I know this because I was a fucker.  I was up to thangs, and I relentlessly and pathologically lied to cover my ass.  Lying is what teenagers do.  Don’t take it personally.  Deception is a developmental stage.  Just don’t be gullible enough to believe the little liars – or worse reward them for their dishonorable behavior with a European vacation.BAD EGG

 

Spring 2015 Menswear: Missoni

 

MISSONI SPRING 2015 MENSWEAR 1 MISSONI SPRING 2015 MENSWEAR 2 MISSONI SPRING 2015 MENSWEAR 3 MISSONI SPRING 2015 MENSWEAR 4 MISSONI SPRING 2015 MENSWEAR 5 MISSONI SPRING 2015 MENSWEAR 6 MISSONI SPRING 2015 MENSWEAR 7 MISSONI SPRING 2015 MENSWEAR 8 MISSONI SPRING 2015 MENSWEAR

Kate Plus 8: love & hate

JON AND KATE GOSSELIN AND SEXTUPLETSI have such mixed feelings on Kate Gosselin.  As a blanket feeling, I can’t respect a woman who sought unnecessary fertility treatment and then spends the rest of her life acting put upon when all the monkeying around resulted in sextuplets.  You are in a hell of your own making bitch.  Don’t complain when you get what you asked for.KATE MADY CARAThe fame, the money, it has clearly gone to her head in the form of extensions – Kate’s serving us county fair Pennsylvania pageant hair in lieu of her former hedgehog head.  Her body is tight, and her forehead is even tighter.  She’s improved components of her appearance over the years, but they apparently haven’t developed a plastic surgery to correct bitchface because that is her countenance all day long.KATE GOSSELIN BITCHFACEHer mothering lacks warmth.  She yells.  She doesn’t hug.  She doesn’t smile.  She humiliates.  She lacks compassion.  She’s a white-knuckle parent trying to control her children like a disciplined child army.  Did you see how she Mommie Dearest-ed Mady?  She refused to let Mady win the stupid game, but Kate was underhandedly nice enough to invite Mady’s best friend Jenna as a surprise.  I guess Cara didn’t have any friends to include?MADY AND KATEAll that said, Kate gets a few things right.  The Gosselin kids complete chores and therefore understand responsibility and hard work.  Kate has instilled a sense of team work and camaraderie in her kids that will serve them throughout their lives long after they have escaped her overly-controlling clutches.  Kate creates structure.  Kate sets limits.  Kate tries to provide fun for her kids.  It’s just that she’s such a miserable bitch she even ruins the good times.KATE GOSSELIN YELLSThe kids appear intelligent, well-spoken, polite, and scared.  Mady’s still the thorn in her mother’s side and I can’t wait to read her inevitable tell-all.  It’s just a matter of time before Collin grows taller than Kate, looks down at her and says “shut the fuck up Mom.”  Can the cameras please capture that developmental milestone?KATE JOEL COLLINFor this TLC special, Kate wants to go big for the sextuplet’s tenth birthday.  Kate wants a carnival theme.  Too bad she’s not listening to what the kids want.  Clearly, what these kids want is to feel like an only child for one day.  Only children get to be alone with their parents.  Only children get to do what they want to do without compromise.  The greatest gift she could give those kids on their birthday is time away from their siblings.KATE PLUS 8 TLCOn each of the six days proceeding the birthday, take one kid out each day.  On the seventh day, have a family party.  Some of you are saying – what are you going to do with the other kids when you are out with that one kid?  No doubt the Gosselins employ nannies.  Cooperate with Jon for the good of the kids.  Make it work.  For someone who considers herself an organizational marvel, a day focused on one child can’t be any harder than planning an elaborate backyard carnival that’s more for the network than it is for the kids.GOSSELIN SEXTUPLETS

 

RESORT 2015 gucci

GUCCI RESORT 2015 5GUCCI RESORT 2015 10GUCCI RESORT 2015 2GUCCI RESORT 2015GUCCI RESORT 2015 1GUCCI RESORT 2015 11 GUCCI RESORT 2015 12GUCCI RESORT 2015 9GUCCI RESORT 2015 7GUCCI RESORT 2015 3GUCCI RESORT 2015 4GUCCI RESORT 2015 13GUCCI RESORT 2015 14

Plug It In?

ALEX AND SIMONThink waaay back to season one of The Real Housewives of New York City.  There’s a moment when Alex, Simon, and Bethenny are standing around gossiping about Ramona’s reaction to Alex adding her husband Simon to “girl’s night.”  Alex defends Simon’s attendance at the dinner and makes some stupid remark about discussing vibrators in mixed company.  To paraphrase, “What’s the problem?  Just plug it in.”  In a subsequent interview segment Bethenny shrieks nasally, “Plug?! Plug?!  Like what era are you in?!”WAND MASSAGERWhat I’ve learned about vibrators as of late applies equally to power tools of any kind.  A cordless will work in a pinch or when convenience necessitates, but if you want the type of power that completes the job professionally with efficient ease then plug into the grid.  Plug-in vibrators never tire, rarely overheat, and don’t require constant battery replacement.  Plus, many innocently double as damn good massagers for sore muscles.    SINCLAIR INSTITUTE SELECT

RESORT 2015 naeem khan

 

NAEEM KHAN RESORT 2015 1 NAEEM KHAN RESORT 2015 2 NAEEM KHAN RESORT 2015 3 NAEEM KHAN RESORT 2015 4 NAEEM KHAN RESORT 2015 5 NAEEM KHAN RESORT 2015 6 NAEEM KHAN RESORT 2015