Monthly Archives: September 2014

cut the cord

COMCAST SUXAfter a series of escalating bills and shitty service, I finally told the cable company, Satan’s subsidiary, to suck my left one today when I turned in my DVR for good.  I cut the cord and it feels damn good.  I only watch 4 channels anyway (albeit obsessively), so what’s the point in paying for 995 others?  Yes, there will be sacrifices – the most painful among them letting go of my daily dose of Wendy Williams.  Virtually everything else I watch is available online anyway.  RokuChromecast.  There are numerous options for leveraging the internet into your main television content provider.  Speaking of watching online, you know Downton Abbey’s currently airing in the U.K.?  The premiere episode was a doozy.  Edith deserves a good finger-wagging.  OH EDITH

Spring 2015 RTW: Gareth Pugh

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slut reformation

REALITY BITESI’m taking this new approach to relationships where I wait at least a month before fucking.  Exercising self-restraint can be difficult, but it’s not impossible.  Within a month, most people reveal themselves.  By removing the influence of sex on the early days of a relationship, I can clearly evaluate whether the partnership has legs before my whole heart, soul, and body get tied up in the decision.  I’m not saying I don’t get down to some extent.  The probationary period is a good time to get a bright light look at his junk to make sure there aren’t any areas of concern.  Enjoy a good retro makeout sesh.  Take this time to find out if he’s got any bratty kids, psycho exs, or a shitty credit score.  Use this month to weed out the pigs, weirdos, assholes, morons, and cheapskates.  This is not some purity ring propaganda.  It’s about particularity not prudishness.  I’m a feminist, so do what you will with your vagina, but also think back on your checkered sexual past; when have you regretted NOT having sex with someone?  Exactly.          CHER CLUELESS

Spring 2015 RTW: The Row

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I don’t care if you’re in town

LUCILLE DOESN'T CAREAn ex-boyfriend from 18 years ago called my work twice yesterday looking for me.  He insisted on leaving his number with my assistants because he’s in my town for the weekend.  I haven’t talked to this kid in at least 10 years, and we didn’t part well.  I’m not sure what makes him think I want to see him.  He is very accessible on the internet, so if I wanted access to him I could have had it years ago.  I, on the other hand, go out of my way to keep a low profile.  I don’t have a Facebook page.  I clearly don’t want to be found.  I have no interest in catching up with random people who orbit my life with the infrequency of Halley’s Comet.  Furthermore, his approach to the situation tells me that his worst qualities have only ripened with age.  He’s obviously known for quite some time that he would be in town covering a particular event.  A courteous and thoughtful person would have sent an email with a little advance notice.  Instead, he called my place of employment multiple times in one day like some sort of crazed stalker and just assumed I’ll be elated to drop my packed schedule to accommodate his last minute demands.  Selfish much?  That’s why we broke up asshole.  Unfortunately, I’m going to the event on Saturday so there’s a chance we could run into each other….Ugh…I hate ex-boyfriend run-in paranoia.DON'T CALL ME

Spring 2015 RTW: Erdem

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Let’s Catch Up

SLACK ASS

Sorry I’ve been kinda slackass.  I met somebody interesting, and we’ve been spending time together.  You know how it goes, girl.

VIEW PREMIEREThe “new” View sux.  I’m disoriented by the set change.  Rosie O’Donnell’s gastric sleeve operation seems to have concentrated her already abrasive nature.  I used to like her.  Now, not so much.   Whoopi seems super unhappy.  She should have accepted the contract buyout allegedly offered by the network and split to less hostile pastures.  Rosie Perez served as the least annoying addition to the stage, but her talent is wasted in this format.  I haven’t bothered to learn the Republican’s name yet.  She wears her hair in a layered bob, so that’s all I need to know about her. ROSIESI’m keeping up with the Spring 2015 RTW collections, but many have disappointed.  Bodycon’s been trending out for awhile now, but for Spring 2015 it is gone.  There were a number of voluminous and oddly shaped garments parading down the runways.  I’m all for avant-garde, but clothing must flatter first.  Distilling these trends into a wearable narrative may prove challenging. TOM FORD SPRING 2015 RTW

TOM FORD · SPRING 2015 RTW

ALIK AND LOUISE

The Made in Chelsea gang spent the summer in NYC.  The MIC NYC finale just aired so you can bingewatch the season on 4oD.  If you are like me, you’ll have opinions about Billie.  And please note Alik’s overly passionate succubus kissing style.  He looks like he’s going to swallow little Louise whole. BILLIEOn the Diet Coke substitution tip, faithful reader Leah Love suggested Perrier as a pleasing alternative.  I’m currently investigating.  Thanks for the suggestion Mizz Love.  (((Hugs babygirl))) PERRIERWorking the next 18 days straight, so don’t assume if I’m not on the daily that I’m dickmatized.  Just working hard bitches, thanks for your patience and understanding. ♥ DCHALF ASS

 

Spring 2015 RTW: Lisa Marie Fernandez

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Spring 2015 RTW: Nicholas K

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