So I was talking to one of my favorite people ever today. He’s been mentoring a cousin semi-new to the scene and trying to instill the proper etiquette into the young man for navigating the treacherous waters of the modern gay world.
My impeccably clean and well-mannered pal has extended his home to his ill-mannered cousin on a number of occasions. In the past, cugino harmlessly and forgettably annoyed friend and his put-upon partner when staying over, but recently the off-side twat went too far.
After arranging his cuz comfortably and appropriately in front of the tv on the couch, friend trusted his cousin in his apartment unattended for a short window of time.
During the brief moment of solitude in his older, respected mentor’s well-kept home, cousin crept upstairs and rifled around in the room he shares with his long term partner.
Primo shamelessly fished through the goody drawer and with unmitigated gall had the audacity to employ a very pricey prostate stimulator and do work on himself.
Take a moment and let it wash over you. I understand. Happy to wait. 
How did friend know about the trespass? Cousin left the dirty ass toy on a washcloth next to the sink like a parting gift. He did not even bother to wipe it down with the rubbing alcohol conveniently adjacent.
So just in case any of you extra sloppy-ass invasive bitches (paging punk cousin) need a remedial manners moment, using someone else’s butt fun without permission is not a gesture of gratitude.
We’ve discussed the benefits and pitfalls of dealing with Rent the Runway before, but I had a not-so-great experience shopping their clearance sale and wanted to warn you. 
Periodically Rent the Runway liquidates their heavily-rented inventory with a clearance sale. The dresses and accessories are previous rentals and clearly show signs of fatigue. In fairness, RTR sort of discloses damages – for example below they indicate the garment has pick/pull flaws, but don’t show the specific item for purchase. 
All items are final sale, so you better know your size and be ready to accept whatever arrives. Keep in mind most of these dresses are stretched from the myriad bodies that have inhabited them. Whether you find the savings significant will be a matter of perspective. A Proenza Schouler dress that retails for $1,525 sells for $455 on clearance. But you are still shelling out nearly $500 for a used frock, and not lightly used at that. 
The accessories might be a better value if most of them weren’t completely fug. 
With the New Year comes the inevitable flood of engagement announcements. Word trickled out that boring Biel and Timberlake got engaged in Wyoming. Always-the-bride-never-the-bridesmaid Drew Barrymore and her boyfriend Will Kopelman also allegedly agreed to marry. Trawick recently sprung a diamond on Britney, and Matthew slid carats on Camila’s finger too.
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So no matter what happens this weekend, we are absolutely forbidden from partaking in the following behaviors.
Drinking and Driving
Broaden the search by shopping the mens and kids departments for excellent markdowns on sweaters. On the mens rack find plenty of small sizes and on the kids find the leftover XLs. The patterns and proportions can be a fresh alternative to the same old womens offerings. 
Read the signage carefully. Just went jeans shopping and my denim-purchasing companion would have probably bought twice as many pairs had he known at the time of selection that the $159 jeans marked down to $89 would actually ring up at 40% off the lowest marked price. 
Don’t get suckered into buying fresh Resort 2012 right now unless you are actually traveling someplace warm in the next 4 weeks. Now is the time to stock up on deeply discounted coats, winter accessories, and boots for the rest of this season and next. 
If the day after Christmas has left you with a holiday hangover, consider using the last precious days of the year to accomplish a few unmet goals. Rather than waiting until NYE to make some phony resolution, begin the new year with the confidence that comes from triumphing over obstacles. 
First off, your space is filthy, so a good pre-New Year purge wouldn’t hurt, right? Like when is the last time you really mopped? What difference would 3 hours dedicated to tidiness make in your life? What impact could a donation of all your unused crap mean to someone in need? Now is your chance to make up for snubbing that Salvation Army bell ringer this year. It is never too late for generosity.
If your goal this year was to cultivate fun, you still have 5 days to plan an execute a bitching NYE party. How about a trade-your-most-hideous-gift exchange party? The fiesta provides another avenue to declutter (see #1) and an opportunity to trade it for something you might actually like, even if only ironically.
Here’s to rising to the challenge of accomplishing more in the last week of the year than bong hits and Teen Mom 2 marathons.
Over the last few years I’ve baked pies from scratch. Like quilting, it is easy to understand why preparing dough by hand could easily become a lost art for the amateur baker. If a holiday pie is on the menu, instead of store bought, consider wowing the crowd by bringing a homemade pie. 
Going against popular modern instruction (including Martha), I declare the food processor the foe of flaky crust. Cut the fat into the dry ingredients with a pastry cutter and a little effort. Most beginner pie makers overwork the dough which results in a shortbread-like crust consistency. Since switching to the cutter from the processor, the previously illusive flaky texture is now literally within my grasp. 
The recipe for pie crust only requires 3-5 simple ingredients: 3 cups flour + 1 cup butter and/or shortening (I use 1/2 cup of each) + as little ice cold water as possible (1/8-1/4 of a cup) , a pinch of salt and a skosh of sugar (about 2 tbsps). 
Cut abut half the water into the dough with the pastry cutter and reserve the other half to dribble on as needed once the crumbly dough is transferred to the location where you plan to roll it. Add water conservatively, keeping in mind the fat should hold it together. It took me quite awhile to get comfortable with the relative dryness of the dough. 
Immediately after forming the dough into a mound, use a greased fondant roller to roll an 1/8 inch thin round. Form into a shape that generously exceeds the diameter of your intended pie pan. Not sure? Turn the pan upside down and use a knife to cut around it, leaving yourself at least a 3 inches all the way around the circumference. For the lattice, cut strips from the remaining dough. Some strips should exceed the diameter of the pie pan. Refrigerate the crust after it’s rolled and formed rather than chilling the dough and then trying to roll it. 
If you choose apple filling, I learned you really don’t have to pre-cook the apples as is generally recommended. As for type of apple, the cheap and ubiquitous organic Granny Smith works great. Peel and thinly slice the apples. In a large bowl, bathe the sliced apples in sugar, cinnamon, and lemon juice. Let the mixtures stand for a half hour and then use a slotted spoon to transfer the filling into the pie. 
Dudes, enough with the argyle sweaters. Every holiday party lately looks like an argyle explosion. Blame the Banana Republic clearance rack. A perfectly-tailored suit is always a nice choice. Werk a bow tie to catch ‘em by surprise. Steam or iron — wrinkles ain’t cute at a formal function ya’ll.
Ladies, many of you will gravitate towards some variation on the ubiquitous sparkle. I’m not placing an outright fatwa on sparkle because when used appropriately it can be a powerful way to amp an ensemble. However, keep in mind shine accentuates. If your body ain’t right, a full sequined look will not only add bulk, but draw attention to every lump. Use sparkle sparingly.
Select a look that errs on the side of classic and conservative. Think Betty Draper not JWoww. If a fleeting thought enters your head that your dress is too short, your cleavage too deep, or your pants too tight, honor that voice, and for the love of Jesus on his birthday change your fucking clothes. Better to dress comfortably and appropriately than look like you suffer from the worst faux pas of all – poor judgment. 
Also, I’m sick of this pretty princess curling iron shit. Try a new ‘do this year. This look is so over.
As many of you know, I’ve been car shopping. After test driving several models, I’ve it narrowed down and know which one I want. More on that later, right now I want to discuss how quickly and easily a salesperson can blow a deal.
Don’t open the conversation by saying, “Do you know how much these things cost?” 
Don’t assume that the dude is making the decision. Because he’s not. Furthermore, learn how to sell cars to women. We don’t want to fuck with the tiptronic shit on the test drive. Focus on safety, responsiveness, efficiency, and style, not gadgets and gears.
Letcha know all the dirty details when I close a deal. Special thanks to Annie and the super auto-wise Leah Love for the insightful advice. xoxo, 