Category Archives: ADVICE

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: worry-making

CATHY COMICI know this woman as a friendly acquaintance.  I’ve posted about her before awhile ago.  She’s like a human Cathy Comic.  I liked her though.  I think she’s smart, funny, well-meaning, and enjoyable in small doses.   I’ve extended a number of invitations to her over the last year.  Several months ago, she just stopped responding.  I’m the last holdout on the fucking Facebook, but other friends tried to contact her though her page.  She never responded, despite her FB page showing recent updated activity.  She’s a single woman living alone on my side of town.  Therefore, it’s partially my responsibility to make sure she didn’t die alone, and her cat wasn’t gnawing off her three-day-dead face.  After multiple attempted contacts from a number of sources, finally a co-worker confirmed that Cathy Comic is fine.  No illness.  No tragedy.  Just chronic unresponsiveness.  Well fuck you human Cathy Comic.  Do you know how rude it is to make people worry?  Cathy Comic must be so flush with friends that she doesn’t need any more thoughtful people to care about her.  Well it’s a good thing because I won’t be wasting a moment more of my concern.  I’m recycling that friendship like yesterday’s newspaper.  And don’t come calling when he dumps you.  I don’t want to hear it.  CATHY COMIC BEDIf you are late, call.  If people express concern, respond.  Remember that pit of anxiety that forms when you are worried about someone you love.  Don’t ever recklessly give another that feeling due to your own thoughtlessness and irresponsibility.  It’s fucking rude, and it makes you unworthy of the concern.BYE CATHY

 

Skills for Life: Tiny Cleaning Crew

TINY TOWN BOYLast week, I went on the cutest date with the best man to Tiny TownTiny Town is comprised of a ton of little dollhouses and has a little train you can ride around the modest grounds.  We arrived early before the crowds and commenced our tour of Tiny Town.  As we got toward the back of the colony of dollhouses, I noticed two girls.  The older girl looked about nine years old and the younger one around seven.  They had a bucket and squeegee and were cleaning off the exterior of the tiny houses.  I watched and listened to the diminutive cleaning crew working.  As they cleaned the dirt off the dollhouse windows one by one, I heard the older girl explaining to the younger girl that the water was getting dirty and needed to be changed.  They weren’t complaining, worked together without conflict, and encouraged each other to rally when they got tired.  I was super impressed.  Not only were these girls participating in age-appropriate chores, but the older girl was mentoring the younger girl by teaching her cleaning skills for life.  There was no direct adult supervision, and there didn’t need to be because these two young ladies were clearly raised with a sense of responsibility.  TINY TOWN TWO GIRLSYesterday, during my teeth cleaning, I was listening to my hygienist bitch about her step-children – two girls – ages ten and twelve who are spoiled brats with zero responsibility.  These girls respect no one because they have never been taught respect.  They have no life skills because no one ever taught them how to pick up after themselves.  As a result, the girls are ungrateful and bored because they have no appreciation for responsibility.  Parents who shelter their children from work are doing their kids a great disservice.  Find age-appropriate tasks and teach your children early on that life is a balance between work and fun.  Prepare your children for the reality of life not your fantasy of an ideal childhood.  Teach them self-soothing skills and self-sufficiency, so you don’t end up gifting the world with your useless, lazy, spoiled, entitled, and ungrateful offspring.  Yeah, I sound judgmental, but when it comes to parenting – if you aren’t going to do it right, don’t do it at all. TINY TOWN KID

$$$cushion$$$

MONEY BEDIn the last few weeks, I know six different people who experienced shitty luck with their cars.  Four of those incidents were parked hit and runs.  In three of the four situations, the cowardly assailant didn’t leave a note.  Another girl backed into a pole.  Another lost her keys.  I learned from observing the way these folks weathered their losses.  In the first draft of this post, I was tempted to write that “unexpectedly” shitty things happen in life, but if I’m honest, I do expect shitty things to happen and that’s why I’m often better prepared for them than most people.  I’m not smug; I’m just unrelentingly pessimistic.SUZE ORMAN DENIEDI’m not trying to get all Suze Orman on your ass, but do you have sufficient savings to cushion a crisis should one arise?  A couple of the aforementioned victims make good salaries, but when life turded in their path they panicked and had to borrow money.  I’m willing to loan people money in a pinch.  Though I confess I throw a little side-eye when people who make shit-ton of cash don’t have any sort of emergency stash to weather life’s downturns. PIGGY BANK PONDERSPeople measure security in different ways, but a year’s worth of living expenses in an emergency fund is a reasonable start.  (Calculating in your head?  Double the number. We underestimate spending.)  Should life deal you illness, job loss, or a tornado, a shittymoments fund ensures tragedy isn’t compounded by financial stress.  Once you get your fund established and are enjoying a stress-free stretch of life, some of you will be tempted to blow your safety cash on an extravagant purchase.  DON’T.  Giuseppe Zanottis aren’t that chic when you are living out of your car.CAR HOUSE

Skills for Life: teenagers lie

TEENAGE KISSAs you know, I’m not a parent.  I don’t even have a pet.  My cayenne pepper plant is the closest thing to a being that depends on me, and it could probably survive on my porch for some time without intervention.  Even though I’m not a parent, I was a teenager.  And to quote Wendy Williams, I was a teenager who was “up to thangs.”  Drugs. Fighting. Musicians. Protests. Shows. Parties. Mischief. Jail.  Because of these experiences, I know when others are up to thangs.TRAFFIC BATHROOM FREEBASEI have a friend.  Well-educated and hard-working, she’s done exceptionally well for herself.  With no children of her own, she treats her family generously.  Years back, she promised her niece that if she met certain stipulations, my friend would take her to Europe for high school graduation.  Recently, the niece graduated.  True to her word, my friend planned a lovely trip overseas for the two of them.A ROOM WITH A VIEWTwo days after gradation and less than a week before their planned departure date, niece split her car between two trees driving drunk.  Thankfully, niece walked away unscathed as did her two passengers.  The collision destroyed the car.  One passenger fled on foot.  One stayed behind.  Niece called her parents.  Her parents awoke to the middle of the night call – a nightmare.  The concerned couple leapt from slumber to fetch a nearly-passed-out-drunk niece from a nearby location.BTW TREESThe family returned to the scene of the wreck.  When the tow truck was called to retrieve the crunched car, the tow truck driver informed the parents that he was obligated to notify the police because the property damage exceeded $1000.  While her parents are cleaning up her mess, niece is passed out drunk in the back seat of their car.LOHAN PASS OUTCops show up.  Dad says he’s the one that was driving.  Dad receives citation for reckless driving.  As a result, teenage drunk driving niece endures zero consequences for her extraordinarily reckless actions.  The next day, niece plays innocent and convinces naive parents that this is the first time she has ever driven drunk.  She appears contrite.  They allow her to go to Europe anyway.90210 IN PARISI think this response is total bullshit.  Not on my friend’s part.  She’s an innocent bystander in this situation just following through on her promise, and I admire her for that.  I’m looking at the parents in judgement.  Parents never want to believe the worst or the truth regarding their child (too often one in the same).  “The other kid was the ringleader… My kid was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”  I can’t with the excuses.  Your kid is a fucker.  I know this because I was a fucker.  I was up to thangs, and I relentlessly and pathologically lied to cover my ass.  Lying is what teenagers do.  Don’t take it personally.  Deception is a developmental stage.  Just don’t be gullible enough to believe the little liars – or worse reward them for their dishonorable behavior with a European vacation.BAD EGG

 

Kate Plus 8: love & hate

JON AND KATE GOSSELIN AND SEXTUPLETSI have such mixed feelings on Kate Gosselin.  As a blanket feeling, I can’t respect a woman who sought unnecessary fertility treatment and then spends the rest of her life acting put upon when all the monkeying around resulted in sextuplets.  You are in a hell of your own making bitch.  Don’t complain when you get what you asked for.KATE MADY CARAThe fame, the money, it has clearly gone to her head in the form of extensions – Kate’s serving us county fair Pennsylvania pageant hair in lieu of her former hedgehog head.  Her body is tight, and her forehead is even tighter.  She’s improved components of her appearance over the years, but they apparently haven’t developed a plastic surgery to correct bitchface because that is her countenance all day long.KATE GOSSELIN BITCHFACEHer mothering lacks warmth.  She yells.  She doesn’t hug.  She doesn’t smile.  She humiliates.  She lacks compassion.  She’s a white-knuckle parent trying to control her children like a disciplined child army.  Did you see how she Mommie Dearest-ed Mady?  She refused to let Mady win the stupid game, but Kate was underhandedly nice enough to invite Mady’s best friend Jenna as a surprise.  I guess Cara didn’t have any friends to include?MADY AND KATEAll that said, Kate gets a few things right.  The Gosselin kids complete chores and therefore understand responsibility and hard work.  Kate has instilled a sense of team work and camaraderie in her kids that will serve them throughout their lives long after they have escaped her overly-controlling clutches.  Kate creates structure.  Kate sets limits.  Kate tries to provide fun for her kids.  It’s just that she’s such a miserable bitch she even ruins the good times.KATE GOSSELIN YELLSThe kids appear intelligent, well-spoken, polite, and scared.  Mady’s still the thorn in her mother’s side and I can’t wait to read her inevitable tell-all.  It’s just a matter of time before Collin grows taller than Kate, looks down at her and says “shut the fuck up Mom.”  Can the cameras please capture that developmental milestone?KATE JOEL COLLINFor this TLC special, Kate wants to go big for the sextuplet’s tenth birthday.  Kate wants a carnival theme.  Too bad she’s not listening to what the kids want.  Clearly, what these kids want is to feel like an only child for one day.  Only children get to be alone with their parents.  Only children get to do what they want to do without compromise.  The greatest gift she could give those kids on their birthday is time away from their siblings.KATE PLUS 8 TLCOn each of the six days proceeding the birthday, take one kid out each day.  On the seventh day, have a family party.  Some of you are saying – what are you going to do with the other kids when you are out with that one kid?  No doubt the Gosselins employ nannies.  Cooperate with Jon for the good of the kids.  Make it work.  For someone who considers herself an organizational marvel, a day focused on one child can’t be any harder than planning an elaborate backyard carnival that’s more for the network than it is for the kids.GOSSELIN SEXTUPLETS

 

fuck faux pas: half-full magnum

MAGNUMDear Gentlemen,

Please don’t show up to fuck with Magnum-sized condoms when you have a pint-sized dick. 

Much Appreciated,

♥DCTOO BIG CONDOM

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Last Minute Mutherfucker

OTTOI know in the Tinder age I should be happy for any invitation that doesn’t come via the latest app, but I don’t appreciate last minute date invites.  Such late requests assume I have nothing better to do.  Last night at 5:30, I got a dinner invitation for the same night.  It didn’t occur to you to ask me to dinner before 5:30 pm?  I declined.  I’m not just sitting around waiting for you to ask me to eat.  I have plans.  My plans include not feeling like an afterthought.  If you want to spend time with me, ask in advance.   WAITING FOR PHONE TO RING

I don’t want to pet your dog

EVA MENDES DOGIt’s that time of year again, the weather is warm and all the dog owners have their canines on parade.  Other than shitting everywhere and the occasional mauling, I have no real problem with dogs.  Their owners, well that’s another story.  I have a friend who compulsively pets every dog she sees.  Hiking with this girl can take an extra minute depending on how many dogs we encounter.  I understand dog people meet each other this way, but I don’t want to pet your dog.  When I don’t bend down to gush, owners look at me like I’m calling their firstborn child retarded.  Today, this girl had her puppy leashed to the fence during lunch – obviously baiting us with puppy cuteness.  She acted annoyed when people “interrupted” her to fuss over her adorable babydog.  You’re the one rolling one puppy deep on a sunny Saturday you attention-seeking bitch.  Eyeroll.     RIHANNA OLIVERBack in college, I had this dumbass friend Marisha who was wandering around the city one hot summer day.  A dog was locked inside a car with the windows cracked.  Well-meaning Marisha, concerned for the pup, administered water from her plastic water bottle through the window crack.  During the attempted hydrating, the ungrateful twatdog bit her hand.  Moral of the story: other people’s dogs aren’t for you.

DOG IN CARAnd pick up your pooch poo.PICK UP POO

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: the birthday dinner

SATC 35 BIRTHDAYI’m all for going big on birthdays.  I’m happy to be included in an ensemble dinner celebrating my friend’s birth.  What I do not enjoy is picking up the financial slack for the other diners.  Explicitly, attendance at a birthday dinner means you are communally paying for the birthday boy/girl’s dinner, drinks, and gratuity.  I was recently at a dinner of about 15 people celebrating a friend’s birthday.  I told the server to put birthday girl’s order on my tab.  Whether the majority lack mindfulness or are just cheap, only 2 people of 15 attendees offered a contribution to the birthday girl’s portion of the bill.  I can’t excuse such grotesque and tacky behavior.  These grown folks should know better.  Err on the side of generosity in dealing with matters that involve communal cash.  Verify the bill is adequately covered including a generous tip for the server.  If you are invited to such a dinner and finances are a concern, it’s your responsibility to budget for you + 1, which may mean you order one less drink or a less expensive meal.   BILL SPLITTER