Category Archives: ADVICE

only as faithful as his opportunities

DOGS LOVE YOGAAs many of you know, I’m a yoga teacher.  Whatever, roll your eyes.   This one dude has been sporadically coming to my class for a couple years.  He’s nice enough, I guess; albeit a little clingy.  He’s always trying to hug.  (Stop hugging your yoga teacher.  We don’t want to hug everybody.)  Recently, he’s been pressing me to have an “evening tea with him.”  He’s married and his wife is out of the country on the front side of relocating the family.  So the wife takes the kids to Europe to get settled, and the chubby little skeeze of a husband hits on his yoga teacher.  Fucking Gross.  I tried to just dust him off, but he keeps coming back with pressured persistence.  Asshole, I’m not going to participate in your piggish fuckery.  I am not going to carry on with you in a way that disrespects your wife.  I decline to create the appearance of impropriety or compromise my character, dickwad  Do not be naively drawn into these nefarious shenanigans under false pretenses, folks.  He’s really trying to fuck. They’re always trying to fuck. GWEN

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Cell Phones in Yoga Class; let’s not

CELL PHONES IN YOGAAlright yogis, I know you are busy.  I know you have kids.  I know you are electronically leashed in a variety of ways.  All that notwithstanding, do you really NEED your cell phone in yoga class?  Yoga is a spiritual practice.  Your postures are your body praying.  Would you bring a cell phone into pray?  Leave your electronics, keys, and shoes outside the yoga room.  If you are understandably nervous about your shit getting stolen, lock it up.  Namaste. DICK WITH CELL PHONE IN YOGA CLASS

air kissing

FRENCH AIR KISSI’m not a huge fan of the air kiss.  To me, it smacks of insincerity, but I’ve accepted it’s part and parcel of a standard greeting for certain people, and therefore cannot be entirely avoided.  Outside of Italy, how am I supposed to know if we air kiss one, two, or three times?  You treble kissers must have strong and nimble necks.  There is one particularly ferocious air kisser, who doesn’t seem to understand the “air” part of air kisser.  On a weekly basis, she plants a fat, glossy, wet smooch on my cheek.  I feel the gooey gloss on my cheek after her lips depart.  This is often before I have to teach class, so I’m always paranoid that I have lip prints on my cheek.  I love her, but too much moisture, hunny.  If we must touch upon greeting socially (which as far as I’m concerned we don’t), I prefer handslap over all other available options.  Obviously, a firm handshake is the only appropriate contact for business situations.  That’s where many of us could use some work, the handshake department.  With some folks, it’s like yanking a sad, little limp dick.HANDSHAKE

To Complain or not to Complain?

JANE LANEWhen should we complain?  That’s the question of the moment.  In 2015, We are already mired in passive aggressive energy courtesy of the Year of the Sheep.  That means we are all in for a lot of subtle bitching both serving and getting served in the complaint department.  When you are as critical as I can be, there are always areas of dissatisfaction.  When is it worth it to express that dissatisfaction and expect a meaningful response?POINTLESSThe following unsatisfactory situations recently occurred.  Which would you complain about and which would you just suck up without complaint?

1) I visited a waxer.  After less than 15 minutes on her table, she declared me “finished.”  She did not remove enough hair to actually clear my bikini line.  The line between the crease and the thigh still had hair.  She did not even go a quarter of an inch inside the crease.  The treatment cost $37 for a “classic bikini wax.”  Request more removal or leave hairy and dissatisfied?YOU MOCK MY PAIN

2) I checked into a hotel room and hair from the last guest was all over the floor and bathtub.  Criticize housekeeping or clean up the mess?AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME

3) My dentist urged me to spend big money on a bite analysis and revision.  After thousands of dollars my bite still didn’t feel right and my teeth uncomfortably bumped together.  Furthermore, at my last cleaning, the technician didn’t polish my teeth.  Fuss or suffer?GETTING IN TO4) My neighbors are door slammers.  Bitch to the HOA or endure the clamor?LOUD NOISESHow did you answer to each of these scenarios?  Here are my answers: 1) didn’t request a waxing revision; 2) hate-cleaned it myself; 3) made him fix it (I basically paid for a chunk of his kid’s college last year for what I spent in his office); 4) haven’t notified the HOA….yet. THIS IS BORING

a month of sobriety

SEETHING RAGEWell kiddos, I made it a month without smoking grass.  I can hardly believe it myself.  There have been some trying times.  I managed to avoid puffing at a party, during relationship duress, and through several sleepless nights.  After I made it through the physical detox, a new set of psychological challenges emerged.  What surfaced was a deep well of seething rage that I’ve been spouting out in every direction at anyone who even slightly annoys me.  It’s fair to say that without weed, I’m a total cunt.  All my physical symptoms have diminished.  No more sharp pains between my ribs.  The wheeze is gone, as is the choking feeling I experienced around my throat.  My moods, however, need regulation.  For quite some time, I’ve been using ganja like some people use lithium – to manage moods.  While I was aware of my dope dependency, I didn’t realize until I quit that I arrested my emotional development by using instead of feeling.  Now, at this late stage in the life game, I’ve got to come up with new ways to cope with the depressing state of the human condition.  I’m far from figuring out a consistent solution, but I’m working several different angles – yoga, meditation, and therapy, to name a few.  Some days these methods are effective, and I can self-soothe my frustration.  And some days I yell “fat boy” at my neighbor for continuously slamming his door like an obnoxious idiot.  I’m not proud of the way I behave when I get aggressive with others, but I’m working on it.  SHUT UP FAT BOYI also wonder if I will ever be able to successfully reintroduce miss maryjane back into my life in a similar fashion to the relationship I have with alcohol – which is I can take it or leave it.  I don’t crave booze.  I can have a Scotch occasionally with friends and go months without a drink.  It is this relationship of non-attachment that I strive for in every area of my life.  DETACH

Congratulations are in order!

PARIS WEDDINGBest wishes to my longtime friends Michael and Ryan who recently became engaged in gay Paris!  Wishing you two the very best as you continue your celebration in Rome!  I’m thrilled for you both as you embrace this lifelong commitment.  Better you than me, gentlemen; better you than me.MAZEL ONESIE

Sending big love to my favorite mommy-to-be Wendy.  I so enjoyed serving as your pregnancy bitch and taking a culinary tour of Oakland County.  I can’t wait to meet little Tova.  May her arrival be swift and painless.OWN DAMN PLACEHappy housewarming to Katie and Broc who recently purchased their first new home together; may it shelter you from the storms.SUPER HAPPY FOR YOU

Hell Hath Frozen: I quit weed.

PASS THE DUTCHIEYou read it right.  I quit Mary Jane.  It has only been 7 days, but the first week is the hardest, right?  (Fuck, I hope so.)  I’ve been smoking grass for 20 years.  I’ve had a hardcore daily habit for at least 10 years.  Bong hits for breakfast; bong hits for lunch; bong hits before bed; that was the routine for a decade.  Since I was a high-functioning addict, I managed to graduate university and law school with high honors, and pass the bar on the first try.  I was able to hold down professional jobs stoned.  Nobody knew or they didn’t care.  I’ve driven everywhere stoned.  I’ve engaged with parents, professors, bosses, and law enforcement high.  During virtually all my interactions with friends and lovers, I’ve been under the influence of our green leafy friend.INNER WEED BABYWhile universally supportive, the first response most of my friends had when I told them I quit was, “why?”  I found this question interesting, since my friends know gawddam well that I’m probably the biggest fucking stoner they know.  Isn’t it obvious why?  Let’s start with the sharp pain in my ribs that felt even more intense and persistent after a day pulling tubes.  The wheeze I developed with a quick intake of breath was certainly cause for concern.  Top it off with a tight uncomfortable choking feeling around my throat and thyroid.  Physically, my body has been saying “stop” for some time.  Well, enough is enough.  I’m a grown-ass woman.  Beyond the physical ramifications, I don’t want to be enslaved or addicted to anything.  Addiction robs you of freedom and self-control.  Whether I’d like to admit it or not, many of my decisions were motivated by a desire to serve my addiction.  What a waste of time, energy, and money.WASTE OF MONEYI ain’t gonna front like it has been easy.  This week, I’ve been a really big bitch.  My fuse is short.  I’m impatient.  I’m annoyed.  That’s because I’m having to cope with those unpleasant feelings I’ve been avoiding for the past 20 years.  Sleeplessness, mental confusion, and lack of appetite haven’t helped my mood.  I’m sweat detoxing and stink.  It’s really not a good look – except for those 5 lbs I’ve lost just in time for my trip to Grand Cayman.DETOXLook, my ex would get really sanctimonious and judgmental every time he quit weed, and then like clockwork three months later he’d be asking me for the bong.  I’m not about that hypocritical bullshit.  What you do with your body and your life is your business.  However, if you are contemplating a change in your life – whether it be smoking, drinking, eating, or whatever your addiction, I encourage you to get a hold of the situation.  While difficult, it isn’t as hard as you think.  All rationalizations and expensive rehabs aside, for most (who don’t require medical supervision to detox, eehhm alcohol and benzos) it really just boils down to a decision to quit.  Quitting requires courage, fortitude, and commitment, but once you do, you’ll not only be free of your addiction, you will know what you are made of for the rest of your life.ENOUGH


Dear Demeter Clarc, Am I Inn or Am I out?

DRAGONFLY INNDear Demeter Clarc,

There is an interesting opportunity for me to leave my current position and take a very big risk to purchase a small hotel in the mountains.  My boyfriend and I have quit our jobs and are prepared to move out of the city to take on this new challenge.  The owner of the motel is old and burnt out.  He’s ready to retire.  He’s bending over backwards to help us secure financing.  We have never run a motel before or any business for that matter.  Are we crazy to uproot our lives for this unique opportunity? 


The Newharts

Dear Mizz Newhart,

May I first congratulate you on your courageous spirit of adventure?!  I’m all for calculated risks.  Agree to run the motel for a year.  See if you and your boyfriend like the lifestyle and responsibility before you commit.  There’s no need to go ballsdeep in financial risk when you don’t even know if running the motel is a sustainable and enjoyable choice for you both.  Since the owner is desperate to unload the property (a red flag, btw), when negotiating a year-long management deal write in a right of first refusal, so you get the first option to buy the place should somebody else come sniffing around.  During this year, you will learn all the “inns” and outs which will allow you to make an educated decision about investing your money and taking on a major mortgage.  After a year of hard work at the motel, you’ll discern whether the arrangement is both feasible and sufficiently rewarding enough for you both to commit to this project long-term.  ANTHONY MELCHIORRI

For the tax preparation procrastinator

FREE TAX USA EBATESThose lucky ducks who receive fatty refunds filed as soon as you got your W2.  Those of us who have to pay up come tax time aren’t in any rush.  Well, there’s no more time for dicking around.  Tomorrow is the day.  Avoid Turbo Tax.  Some states aren’t accepting the e-filings from Turbo Tax due to wide-scale fraud perpetrated using the software to file fake returns.  I asked an accountant friend which program he used, and he recommended  It works just like Turbotax – by prompting you with a series of inquires and totaling your refund or payment as you go, but it costs much less and is a easier to use.  Currently through Ebates, you can get 25% cash back on your purchase as well as a 10% off coupon to apply to the state filing charge of $12.95.  With applicable discounts, you can get your taxes done quickly and efficiently for about $10.  And if you are wondering if it is just too hard, I have employee wages, independent contractor income requiring a schedule C, investment earnings and losses, and a number of business write offs.  Even with all those complicating factors, I was still able to complete the assignment in less than 2 hours.  It’s not too late procrastinators.FREETAXUSA