Category Archives: ADVICE

Skills for Life: on bullies

ASSHOLEI’m an Alpha.  Nobody who knows me would contest this.  That means in my worst moments I can be a bully.  It’s just one of the many flaws on my mental personal improvement list.  The upside to knowing how to bully is knowing how to handle bullies.  This morning, I encountered a doozy.  This rich, white, entitled asshole is accustomed to getting his ass kissed by everyone.  Boy, did he get a Sunday morning surprise when he quickly realized I’m not in the ass kissing business.  He was rude.  I stood my ground.  He threw a tantrum.  I firmly and politely looked him in the eye, unmoved by his childish antics.  It was as if he’d never heard the word “no.”  Within 5 minutes he relented.  So incredibly uncomfortable with my powerful, direct, and uncompromising stance, he couldn’t cope.  In the face of true courage and strength, he crumbled like an insecure little bitch.  Money and status are common external qualities and neither one makes you powerful.  Power comes (in part) from courage – a much rarer internally-cultivated quality.  Don’t ever let anybody push you around.  Stand powerfully with your courageous heart and watch the weak wither.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear,not absence of fear.

— Mark Twain

Most Annoying

LAUREN CONRADIt is most annoying when I am making plans with a friend and she frames the agenda around her boyfriend’s needs.  “My boyfriend wants to stay here.” or “I can’t.  My boyfriend’s work schedule changed.”  I get partnership, responsibility sharing and whatnot, but I don’t give a fuck about your boyfriend’s preferences.  I’m friends with you and not your boyfriend.  Chances are I’ve known you longer than you’ve known your boyfriend.  I was here before your boyfriend.  I will be here long after your boyfriend is gone.  Please remember that truth when you dick me to swing off your boyfriend’s nutsack.  Furthermore, your boyfriend would find you a lot more interesting if you had your own life and exercised a modicum of independence.NUTSACK

Furthermore, It’s Not Right When…

MAD HUH…After 6 weeks of dating (including sleepovers), he still hasn’t taken down his OkCupid profile.  OKCUPID DOUCHE…He actually accepts the money you offer him for a lunch he begged you for even though he makes 3x your annual salary. CHEAP ASSHOLE…He tells you he likes you; that he’s starting to get attached; that this could get serious; and then informs you he’s planning a month-long trip to Europe with his ex’s best friend.

SERIOUSLY TRY…He’s 30 years older than you.  YOU’RE DELUSIONAL OLD MAN. Celebrities At The Kentucky Derby

 

Online Dating Rituals of the American Male

ONLINE DATING RITUALS OF AMERICAN MALEBravo’s Online Dating Rituals of the American Male perfectly illustrates why I will never internet date.  These guys are fucking losers.  They constantly check dating profiles and message hundreds of women with lame cut+paste opening lines.  For these jackholes, it’s a numbers game.  Throw everything against the wall and see what sticks.  When one of the hundreds of women agrees to show up for a date, the asshole immediately ridicules her appearance (in his head and sometimes out loud).  That’s probably because the woman misleadingly labeled her scantily clad, out-of-date, best-lit profile pics as “model” or “aspiring actress.” ONLINE PROFILE PICSDudes who rely on the internet to meet women are pathetic cowards.  Too afraid of rejection to truly put themselves out there, they would rather use their computer for easy hook-ups.  Some dumbass women believe the guy spent hundreds of hours sifting through online profiles until he found HER and then he thought EUREKA she’s the one!  When in reality, he’s messaged 23 other girls that night and she was just the first to respond.  He probably has a second one lined up if she seems unwilling to put out after a couple rounds of cheap happy hour drinks.  ONLINE DATING RITUALS BARWith unrelenting optimism, these women will apparently date anyone.  I know this because my ex’s best friend is a chubby, smelly, unattractive, uninteresting hunched back who trolls the internet for hook-ups at least 3 times a week.  Why anyone would EVER hook up with him (or my lemming ex or any of his stunted loser friends for that matter) is fucking beyond me.  The hunchbacked troll would NEVER have the balls to approach you in real life because he is a spineless pussy.  Do you want to spend your life in pussy purgatory?  No, I didn’t think so.  HUNCHBACKDelete your profile and hold out for a real life human encounter.  I recently got asked out on a date.  Whether it goes anywhere or not, at least I know he contemplated asking me out several weeks before he finally worked up the courage to ask.  The investment of time and energy means something.  Bravery matters.  Hold out for the Knight.  Don’t settle for fleeting encounters with the Troll.  KNIGHT

 

 

4 for Friday: shred. smelly. zarinostalgia. porch

SHREDDINGSDespite the fact I possess a doctorate degree, why is it physically impossible for me to empty a shredder without getting shreddings EVERYWHERE?  Every single time.  NO FARTHave you ever farted in your car, exited the car, and come back several hours later to find the fart is still waiting for you?RHNY S1I’m living for old reruns of the RHNY right now.  Those early days were truly the glory years of the franchise – when the most calculated move was renting a yellow Ferrari for summer in the Hamptons. JILL ZARINSometimes when my trash smells rank but the bag isn’t full, I put it on the porch and freeze it overnight.  When I bring it back in, it doesn’t smell anymore. FREEZER FRESH

 

Skills for Life: Accountability

MISS WILCOXLately, accountability is my trigger.  I work really hard at keeping my word.  Sometimes I fail (eehhm late post), but when I act irresponsibly I feel it with a heavy heart.  Am I the only one?  Last month, I tried to plan a trip with a friend and she just wouldn’t get back to me.  I asked two different people to help with home repairs, both committed to a specific day, both bailed.  A friend still owes me money from this fall.  When I plan a dinner now, I just assume someone will back out with a bullshit excuse at the last minute – because someone always does. ACCOUNTABILITY DOODLE I was going deep with my friend the other night on the issue of accountability.  I was bitching about feeling let down.  She basically informed me my expectation that people follow through is unrealistic.  I should just accept that most people are flaky, and if I did I would feel less dismay.  No doubt there’s some wisdom there, but aren’t basement level expectations doing everyone a disservice?  I expect more out of myself, and I expect more out of you.  The universe is a tricky mistress.  As soon as I started sending out an energetic desire for accountability, who comes along to offer help?  An unusually sexy and handsome accountant.  For crying out loud.  ACCOUNTANT

shame corner. I sometimes agree with Dr. Laura

DR LAURA LARRY KINGEven though (in my opinion / legal disclaimer) Dr. Laura has behaved as a bigoted hypocrite, occasionally she preaches truth.  If you’ve never listened to Dr. Laura, she’s an ultraconservative radio talk show host with a harshsauce advice delivery system.  Ask your Mom.  She’ll explain.  START LIVING

I admit it.  I agree with Dr. Laura regarding the following three points:

1)  Don’t marry a weak man. 

Weak men = mama’s boys.  Weak men = childishly obsess over internet porn.  Weak men = lie.  Nearly every show, Dr. Laura’s callers illustrate how weak men are the source of innumerable problems.  Weak men don’t get strong.10 STUPID THINGS

2) Don’t marry an addict.

Addicts only care about their addiction.

DIVORCE

3) Stay home with your kid(s) until they go to school.

Controversial, right?  Can we agree that 0-5 years old are hugely formative years for a human being?  Can we agree that children are at their most vulnerable to predators before they can speak or physically defend themselves?  I am not a parent, but if I were and could possibly afford it, I would commit five years to my child to nurture and protect the kid during this crucial developmental period.  Obviously, such a scenario is not financially feasible for every family.  Regardless of income, no one is ever going to love and protect my kid like I would with such unwavering and priceless devotion.  IN PRAISE OF STAY AT HOME MOMS

“Stolen”

KEYS IGNITIONI ran into my friend and mentioned I hadn’t seen her in awhile.  She told me her car was stolen which curtailed her recent mobility.  After providing the obligatory and sincere “that sucks!”,  I started fishing for details.  Newish cars aren’t that easy to steal.  With a little tender probing, she confessed she left her unlocked car running with the keys in the ignition in front of her house.  Let’s put some air quotes around “stolen” girl.  IGNITITION

 

every last fee refunded

4 HUNDREDAs I predicted, Chase refunded every last fee ($444 total).  I’m very grateful to the ladies who reviewed my account and agreed to the refund.  I recognize in doing so they made a huge exception on my behalf.  Interestingly, they agreed to the refund under the condition I not take my business elsewhere after I received the fee credit.  Fair enough, I thought.  When I actually considered the hassle involved with getting all my direct deposits and automatic debits changed to a new (probably equally shady) financial institution, I figured it wasn’t worth it if I was ultimately getting what I asked for.  Plus, I admire her for bluntly asking if I was going to remain a customer instead of muddling around in corporate jargon.  Furthermore, in owning my own culpability in the situation, I should have noticed the slow siphoning of funds YEARS ago.  I handled the conflict with kind persistence, and it literally paid off.  As an added bonus, since I uncharacteristically resisted the temptation to throw a hissy fit upon first discovering the news, I can still show my face at my local branch.    AT THE BANK