Fuck for 100 minutes.
Rearrange furniture for 67 minutes.
Shop if you must: 3 hours, 6 minutes. 
Catch up on sleep; 8.5 hours burns approximately 500 calories.
Mop your dirty ass floors for 100 minutes.
-
Home > ADVICE
Category Archives: ADVICE
Friday’s 5 ways to burn 500 calories
Friday, November 25th, 2011
Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Who the Fuck Asked You?
Monday, November 21st, 2011
A few days ago, a person came to an event I was hosting uninvited and as a last minute add on. Even though space was at capacity at my event, I welcomed this person because we are friendly. The event went well and afterward I greeted well-wishers and bid them adieu. When the add-on emerged, her vibe was chilly. After mumbling some general niceties she threw in some general criticisms too. While she served up her haterade my mental tickertape read “who the fuck asked you?”
Unless a person specifically asks for your opinion, don’t give one. If someone does ask for your opinion, be honest, but compassionate. As for critiques, keep ‘em brief, keep it kind, and keep a friend.
As someone who serves up unsolicited opinions as a hobby on this site, some of you may find my position a little contradictory (dare I say hypocritical?), but remember attendance here is 100% voluntary. And if I haven’t told you lately, I’m so grateful for you. xoxo DC
Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: shoot the messenger
Friday, November 18th, 2011
There is a scene in Unzipped where one of Mizrahi’s minions tentatively approaches him with the latest issue of WWD featuring Gaultier’s collection based on a similar Nanook of the North theme. Isaac reacts to the catastrophe by venting his frustration on the meek messenger. “Don’t show these things to me I’ve not been looking at it. Just don’t show it to me. You showed it to me. It’s like you took some evil pleasure in it.”
Mizrahi articulated with flare what most of us scream inside when someone takes the liberty of farting on our day by passing along a hateful criticism traded behind our back. Best to never repeat something that will hurt someone’s feelings. The person on the receiving end won’t forget the sting of the news or where it originated. As a general rule, don’t ever start a sentence with, “Girl you know what she said about you?”
On the flipside, don’t talk shit unless you are prepared to say it to the person’s face because TRUST no one will listen to the advice above. At the first opportunity, the tattler will tattle with delight. 
autoeroticism
Monday, November 7th, 2011
Yesterday I was in a three car pile up on a major freeway because some ignorant uninsured bitch can’t merge. No one was hurt, but the truck I’ve loyally driven for the last ten years is probably totaled. When thinking about replacing my ride, I’m totally uninspired by the current options. 
Even though I bought my last car new, this time around I’m going used because I just can’t stomach the depreciation. There are a few different categories under consideration: prestige, environmental, or classic. What to choose?
Prestige 
BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, Range Rover, since pre-owned is an option, why not splurge for a chic ride? These cars tend to be safe and reliable, but when they do breakdown, repairs can be pricey. Good thing I have a special relationship with an impeccable mechanic. Another drawback? Driving these cars can be the equivalent of carrying a logo bag – a little gauche and showy.
Environmental
I promised myself that the next time I purchased a car, environmental impact would be a major factor in the decision. I can’t with the Prius. I just can’t. There is a Lexus Hybrid that looks interesting, so maybe I can combine prestige + fuel efficiency into one purchase. There are some obvious advantages to this route. Low inventory is the main challenge with a general lack of available, desirable vehicles in the pre-owned market. Even the used ones are pricey, but at least they retain value. The fuel savings are also no fucking joke and offset some of the initial sticker shock. I’d love an electric, but they are even more rare.
Classic
Every time I see a cherried out classic car, I think to myself how fucking sweet and styley it would be to roll in one. Nothing grabs more attention than a mint condition vintage ride. Sexy cars generate aesthetic goodwill, and after the dust up I just had, I need some good automotive karma. The disadvantage to oldies is they require constant tinkering and maintenance. My ass doesn’t like to get stranded on the side of the road like a truckstop hooker, so reliability does matter. The eternal question: style over substance? Another downside? Unlike prestige + fuel efficient, classic + fuel efficient is a mutually exclusive combination, and therefore going with a restored Bronco is like giving mother Earth the middle finger. 
Thoughts? Do you love your car? Tell me everything. 
Alexis and Jennifer say Whatever to their Friendship?
Monday, October 31st, 2011
Just finished Whateverland, the new book by Alexis Stewart and Jennifer Koppelman Hutt. The thrown together self-proclaimed anti self-help book doesn’t add much to the conversation. Filled with anecdotes and affluence-skewed life advice, the content retreads material familiar to fans of Whatever Martha! or the pair’s satellite radio show. 
The throwaway read was quite the disappointment until I reached the conclusion, where out of no where the two announce, “Our working relationship and friendship were great while they lasted.” Odd, right? It is one thing to have a falling out with a friend; it is another to confess it in the book you co-wrote. Last week Jennifer and Alexis appeared on The Today Show and much ado has been made about Stewart’s icy demeanor. She was chilly, but when has Alexis ever been warm and fuzzy?
Alexis made a few pointed digs about “clingyness” and serving the silent treatment, but so far the details of the friendship demise are sketchy. Jennifer appears to be taking the high road, even going so far as to say she “loves” Alexis despite their rift. So what’s the story ladies? Unless Jennifer dropped your new baby Jude on her head or something, Alexis should really get over it and stop acting like she’s flush with friends. A loyal friend is hard to find. Let the little things go and forgive.
A Week away is Halloween Day
Monday, October 24th, 2011
Halloween is just a week away, so it is officially time to start panicking over a costume. Beware of these common dress-up blunders to avoid humiliation, mockery, and generally making an ass of yourself this year.
Don’t go too slutty. Did we learn anything from Kelly Taylor’s turn as a slutty witch on that classic Halloween episode of BH 90210? Don’t be a desperate shivering bitch tromping around in next-to-nothing. Halloween is not an excuse to act out your deepest exhibitionist fantasy in public. Go with a clever rather than cooter-revealing costume to elicit legit attention. On this same tip, dressing up as Snooki is so 3 years ago and totally forbidden.
Don’t overly complicate. Returning to BH 90210, (where all of life’s most essential lessons are learned), don’t pull a Donna Martin mermaid moment and wear some get-up that restricts basic mobility. Everyone will snicker behind your back and it smacks of over-effort. 
On the other end of the spectrum, Don’t go too cutesy. The most successful costumes frighten, disguise, imitate, or evoke humor. If you wanna go pretty-pretty princess, throw on an old prom dress, pour fake blood over your head, and go as Carrie. 
The First to Go
Thursday, October 13th, 2011
Circumstances beyond my control forced me to give up yoga for a little over three months. I’ve recently returned to my mat and can’t believe how much my practice has suffered for the absence.
First I noticed the weakness in my feet. Strong feet are the first to go. Balancing series that were once no problem are now fireleg starters.
The hands, another key foundation, also suffered atrophy. Blame weak hands for slippage during downward facing dog. My core is jello. Tight quads rebel. My stressed muscles have stiffened and weakened all over.
Thankfully the resilient body recovers quickly. Each day I regain a little steadiness. Now I know, the practice won’t wait. There are no breaks. Do yoga everyday and it will improve your life and your body. It may sound like some bougie Jennifer Aniston granola bullshit, but it is 100% true.
Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Snotty Dinner
Thursday, September 29th, 2011
On at least three or four occasions during the last couple months I’ve been pleasantly enjoying my dinner when one of my dining companions spoils my meal by blowing her nose at the table. As far as table manner offenses go, blowing a huge snot wad at the table ranks right up there with picking your teeth with your fingernail. Fucking gross yo. 
If your nose is running, go catch it in the bathroom. Don’t ruin my delicious Pad Ped with your disgusting mucus flood. Don’t top off an already revolting gesture by throwing what was once your napkin, but now your hankie, on your worked-over plate. Seriously, a snotty dinner ain’t cute, so think before you blow your schnoz at the table. Bon Appétit.
Listing with Craig
Monday, September 26th, 2011
The invention of Craigslist has been both a blessing and a curse. It’s convenient and easy, but also totally unregulated. Here are five tips for success when using the free online classified.
1) Describe the item accurately. When listing an item on Craigslist include all relevant characteristics in your description. Provide as much detail as possible. Include the age and origin of the item if known. Be honest about flaws or damage.
2) Provide recent photos. As they say, a picture speaks a thousand words, so be sure to include several photos from different angles. The photos should be recent and well lit. Be sure to keep any personally identifying clues out of the background of the shot. The more attractively you display the item, the more interest you will receive.
3) Price realistically. It is Craigslist people, so don’t be thinking you are going to get retail value out of your item. If you want to move the item, price it competitively while leaving yourself room to negotiate. Be prepared to haggle, and don’t take it personally if folks offer you less. Remember, you can always reject any unreasonable offer.
4) Don’t agree to sell an item on the phone or over email. The item is not sold until you have cash in hand. That touches on another important point: only accept cash. You may feel obligated to accept a check, money order, or Paypal on big ticket items – Don’t. The scammers will get you with fake cashier’s checks and all kinds of fraudulent bullshit. Don’t risk it. If folks want the item, they’ll figure out how to get the cash. That isn’t your problem. Ask naive Farrah from Teen Mom; she learned this lesson the hard way.
5) Don’t be a dumbass. Always speak to the buyer over the phone first to get a feel for how they sound. Use your intuition. Whenever possible, meet the buyer away from your residence in a public place. If you feel sketched, don’t risk it. Better to be safe than dead.