Category Archives: BEAUTY

Hygiene Hack: peel the biscuit heel

FEETCall ’em biscuit heels (™ MWY).  Call it flip-flop feet.  Dry, cracked, nasty-ass feet are unacceptable.  There are numerous foot creams on the market, but I haven’t found one that has the power to truly remove thick callouses.  Momentary softening, maybe, but true dead skin removal requires a more powerful product.  I don’t like going to get professional pedicures.  I think it’s gross.  Pedicures make me uncomfortable, and I don’t really like nail polish.  I certainly would never let a pedicurist razor my callouses off in such an unhygienic environment.  We’ve all heard the horror stories of fungus and worse that you can contract from pedicure tubs.  What is a flaky footed fucker to do?  SKIN OBSESSION GLYCOLIC PEEL

Procure a high-grade glycolic peel designed for the face and apply it to your feet.  Try Skin Obsession 30% Glycolic Acid Chemical Peel.  Now, if you use this stuff on your face you might burn, redden, and subsequently peel.  The effects are less drastic, but still meaningful on the feet.  Make sure your feet are clean.  Do a test patch.  Don’t accidentally get it in your eyes.  Have a baking soda and water mix handy should you need to neutralize.  Soak a cotton pad in the acid and thoroughly wipe the bottom of your clean feet before bed.  Concentrate on areas of thicker skin.  I don’t even feel a tingle when I apply 30% glycolic acid solution to my feet, so I don’t bother neutralizing.  If you feel burning you may want to use the baking water and soda to return the normal PH of your skin.  Use your judgement.  This shouldn’t hurt.  It will remove those stubborn callouses like nothing else I have found.  Keep the biscuits at the Cracker Barrel, ya’ll.  CB BISCUITS

Osmosis Pür Medical Skincare

OSMOSIS PUR MEDICAL SKINCAREI hate the name.  I hate the texture.  I would have never bought Osmosis Pür Medical Skincare of my own accord.  I’ve got an inside connection, and so I’m flush with products.  I started using them, mostly because they were there.  I’ll be damned if they haven’t dramatically improved nearly every flaw in my skin.  Long-term persistent breakouts faded with consistent use of Osmosis.  My skin hasn’t been this clear since I was on the (dreaded) pill.  Wrinkles?  I noticed a marked reduction in appearance with religious use of Osmosis serums; ditto with dark spots.  Furthermore, Osmosis adds luminosity to the skin, and I don’t mean false iridescence; I mean honest to goodness glow from the inside out.  Of the serums, I’ve enjoyed Clarify, Correct, and Replenish.  The concealer is pretty terrific too.  I love the weird masks.  Osmosis doesn’t look or feel like other high-end skincare.  Even if you are initially put-off, use the entire product through to completion.  I think you’ll be pleased with the results. OSMOSIS REPAIR MASK

cult beauty trio

BESAME VIOLET BRIGHTENINGBésame Cosmetics Brightening Violet Powder

SEPHORA AIRBRUSHSephora Perfection Mist Airbrush Foundation


comfort & joy

CAUDALIE DIVINE OILCaudalíe Divine Oil soothes my weather-worn skin and hair.  Smell this mix of luxury oils first before you buy.  Potent and intense, I love the fragrance, but not everyone will.  THIS IS THE END

This is the End.  I know I’m late to the party, but I rarely get to theater.  When a movie makes me laugh out loud while alone in my apartment I know it’s funny.  Campy and self-aware, even though it meandered, I still greatly enjoyed the motion picture This is the End.  I will never look at Michael Cera or Channing Tatum the same way ever again.  MICHAEL CERA


Adventures in Self-Dermaplaning part deux

DERMAPLANEI know I freaked some of you out with my scary report on self-dermaplaning.  The first go ’round was rather brutal.  During my second effort at the procedure, I fared far better.  No slicing.  Avoided bloodletting.  Great results.  I refined my technique.  I’ve learned it’s vitally important to cleanse the skin completely of all oils, products, and dirt before beginning.  Prepare the skin with alcohol.  Keep your eye on the blade and the blade at an angle.  Don’t retread the same area more than twice.  The moral of the skin story is that DIY dermaplaning is sketchy as fuck at first, but with a little practice it’s completely possible to safely accomplish.


Adventures in Self-Dermaplaning

SURGICAL SCALPELLoyal readers know that after a few frustrating experiences, I abandoned my expensive monthly spa visits in favor of DIY at-home versions.  For my first self-dermaplaning, I ordered surgical scalpels, specifically Integra Miltex 4-421 Standard Sterile Surgical Scalpel, Size No. 21 (Pack of 10).  Next time, for more precision I’ll order a smaller size like a 15 or 18.SELF DERMAPLANEI watched the youtube videos.  I read the precautions and educated myself on the proper technique.  My first foray into self-dermaplaning didn’t go disastrously, but I did nick myself and draw blood three times.  It isn’t as dramatic as it sounds – think shaving cut – painless and gone tomorrow.  Dermaplaning requires patience and technique.  Lose the proper angle on the blade and bloodshed ensues.  For this reason, I can’t in good conscience recommend you try this at home.DERMAPLANINGI’ve been accidentally sliced by a rushing aesthetician, so I consider the risk differential between home and medi-spa negligible.  Therefore, I will continue to practice my self-dermaplaning technique.  Neophyte that I am, I still managed to turn out equal to better results to my last expensive spa visit.DERMAPLANING B & F

Feeling confused and ambivalent by this information?  I understand.  In sum, you can really slice yourself up with home dermaplaning, so it’s best left to the professionals.  That said, by taking every possible safety precaution, perfecting the proper technique, and exercising patience, it’s possible to achieve spa superior results at home.DERMAPLANE YOURSELF

on my own

MILTEX SURGICAL SCALPELAfter a recent disappointing visit to the medi-spa, I’m over spending big bucks for subpar beauty treatments.  The aesthetician performed an unacceptably splotchy dermaplaning.  In response, I ordered a box of 10 surgical scalpels from Amazon for $14.50.  I’m going to dermaplane myself and save the $60-80 a month.  How hard can it be?  While I was trolling Amazon for beauty products inappropriate for self-administration, I stumbled on some “eyelash tint.”  They can’t technically market the product as eyelash tint, but it’s understood that everybody uses this particular product off-label for eyelash tint ($13.50).  At my last sorry-ass appointment at the medi-spa, not only was my dermaplaning sloppy, so was the eyelash tinting.  This messy Martha allowed the dye to bleed under my eyes.  When it was time to remove the dye, she had me turn my head and eyewash the dye off, but she forgot to remove the mask she applied so it all just ran into my eyes causing a searingly painful mess.  When I said the mentholated mask was running into my eyes, she just cackled maniacally.  Truly sinister.  No more mean, messy Martha.  I’m on my own. REFECTOCIL


BURN LEG HAIRI confess to the grossest habit.  I love to burn off my body hair.  I know it’s weird.  I know it smells.  I know it’s potentially dangerous.  I’ll burn my arm hair, leg hair, pubes, whatever.  I’ve never burned myself badly.  It’s not like I flame all the way down to the skin.  It thins out the hair without in-growns.  Frankly, I’m not sure why singeing hasn’t caught on as a more popular technique.  Though apparently it’s a common method of ear hair removal in Turkey?!  Even though singeing is totally freaky and disgusting, it satisfies my inner pyro.  Don’t judge me; it’s not like I’m collecting farts in jar.  Jeez.HAIR SINGE



PEDISONICFuck Clarisonic.  Seriously, I’m so pissed.  I bought that stupid Pedi Sonic device for $200 and the motor died in less than three months.  Janky ass piece of crap.  I’m over ClarisonicClarisonic can eat a dick as far as I’m concerned.CLARISONIC PEDI BRUSH

Not all negative Nancy, I will take this moment to praise Ulta Beauty, a company not exactly world-renowned for their customer service.  When I rolled in with my receipt and the pricey device, I didn’t know how they would try and play me.  At first, there was talk of store credit.  I kept quiet and after some manager headset chatter, I walked away with a full refund.  I didn’t even have to ask.  They knew.  Deep down they knew that Clarisonic did me dirty.  Thanks for making it right without giving me a bushel of grief Ulta.