Category Archives: BEAUTY

To Complain or not to Complain?

JANE LANEWhen should we complain?  That’s the question of the moment.  In 2015, We are already mired in passive aggressive energy courtesy of the Year of the Sheep.  That means we are all in for a lot of subtle bitching both serving and getting served in the complaint department.  When you are as critical as I can be, there are always areas of dissatisfaction.  When is it worth it to express that dissatisfaction and expect a meaningful response?POINTLESSThe following unsatisfactory situations recently occurred.  Which would you complain about and which would you just suck up without complaint?

1) I visited a waxer.  After less than 15 minutes on her table, she declared me “finished.”  She did not remove enough hair to actually clear my bikini line.  The line between the crease and the thigh still had hair.  She did not even go a quarter of an inch inside the crease.  The treatment cost $37 for a “classic bikini wax.”  Request more removal or leave hairy and dissatisfied?YOU MOCK MY PAIN

2) I checked into a hotel room and hair from the last guest was all over the floor and bathtub.  Criticize housekeeping or clean up the mess?AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME

3) My dentist urged me to spend big money on a bite analysis and revision.  After thousands of dollars my bite still didn’t feel right and my teeth uncomfortably bumped together.  Furthermore, at my last cleaning, the technician didn’t polish my teeth.  Fuss or suffer?GETTING IN TO4) My neighbors are door slammers.  Bitch to the HOA or endure the clamor?LOUD NOISESHow did you answer to each of these scenarios?  Here are my answers: 1) didn’t request a waxing revision; 2) hate-cleaned it myself; 3) made him fix it (I basically paid for a chunk of his kid’s college last year for what I spent in his office); 4) haven’t notified the HOA….yet. THIS IS BORING

a little light reading

GOING OFF SCRIPTAfter hate-reading Frankel’s latest relationship advice book, I word-snacked on Giuliana Rancic’s Going Off Script: How I Survived a Crazy Childhood, Cancer, and Clooney’s 32 On-Screen Rejections.  I know, my literary predilections are so intellectual right now.  Due to extremely low expectations, I enjoyed Giuliana’s book more than I thought I would, especially her recounting of pulling a bitch out of class and beating her ass in the high school hallway, nearly choking out her college boyfriend, and confirming Jerry O’Connell is an epic social-climbing douche.  You can take the girl out of Naples, but not the Naples out of the girl…Now I’m thoroughly enjoying the illuminating Is Gwyneth Paltrow Wrong About Everything?: How the Famous Sell Us Elixirs of Health, Beauty & Happiness by Timothy Caulfield.  In my line of work, someone is always bragging about improving themselves with the latest cleanse, juicing, or ridiculous beauty treatment.  We’ve all fallen prey.  Caulfield debunks the efficacy of a number of diets and beauty treatments by exposing the utter lack of scientific basis behind most of the shit celebs shill.  The hyped Dr. Junger Clean Cleanse promoted by Gwyneth Paltrow is apparently total bullshit.  Facials and facial acupuncture have no merit.  Adrenal fatigue is medical fiction.  According to this book, most of what you spend your time and money on has absolutely no bearing on your health or beauty.  It is both depressing – when considering how much money and time I’ve wasted on bunk beauty bullshit, and refreshing – in knowing how much money, time, and energy I’ll save moving forward by sticking with what really works.  And what is that you ask?  There are no secrets.  It’s all stuff you’ve heard before.  Eat a diet comprised of at least 50% fruits and vegetables.  Wear sunscreen.  Sleep.  Beyond these basic time-tested truths, science suggests very little else has any impact on your beauty or health at all.GWYNETH IS WRONG

Hygiene Hack: peel the biscuit heel

FEETCall ’em biscuit heels (™ MWY).  Call it flip-flop feet.  Dry, cracked, nasty-ass feet are unacceptable.  There are numerous foot creams on the market, but I haven’t found one that has the power to truly remove thick callouses.  Momentary softening, maybe, but true dead skin removal requires a more powerful product.  I don’t like going to get professional pedicures.  I think it’s gross.  Pedicures make me uncomfortable, and I don’t really like nail polish.  I certainly would never let a pedicurist razor my callouses off in such an unhygienic environment.  We’ve all heard the horror stories of fungus and worse that you can contract from pedicure tubs.  What is a flaky footed fucker to do?  SKIN OBSESSION GLYCOLIC PEEL

Procure a high-grade glycolic peel designed for the face and apply it to your feet.  Try Skin Obsession 30% Glycolic Acid Chemical Peel.  Now, if you use this stuff on your face you might burn, redden, and subsequently peel.  The effects are less drastic, but still meaningful on the feet.  Make sure your feet are clean.  Do a test patch.  Don’t accidentally get it in your eyes.  Have a baking soda and water mix handy should you need to neutralize.  Soak a cotton pad in the acid and thoroughly wipe the bottom of your clean feet before bed.  Concentrate on areas of thicker skin.  I don’t even feel a tingle when I apply 30% glycolic acid solution to my feet, so I don’t bother neutralizing.  If you feel burning you may want to use the baking water and soda to return the normal PH of your skin.  Use your judgement.  This shouldn’t hurt.  It will remove those stubborn callouses like nothing else I have found.  Keep the biscuits at the Cracker Barrel, ya’ll.  CB BISCUITS

Osmosis Pür Medical Skincare

OSMOSIS PUR MEDICAL SKINCAREI hate the name.  I hate the texture.  I would have never bought Osmosis Pür Medical Skincare of my own accord.  I’ve got an inside connection, and so I’m flush with products.  I started using them, mostly because they were there.  I’ll be damned if they haven’t dramatically improved nearly every flaw in my skin.  Long-term persistent breakouts faded with consistent use of Osmosis.  My skin hasn’t been this clear since I was on the (dreaded) pill.  Wrinkles?  I noticed a marked reduction in appearance with religious use of Osmosis serums; ditto with dark spots.  Furthermore, Osmosis adds luminosity to the skin, and I don’t mean false iridescence; I mean honest to goodness glow from the inside out.  Of the serums, I’ve enjoyed Clarify, Correct, and Replenish.  The concealer is pretty terrific too.  I love the weird masks.  Osmosis doesn’t look or feel like other high-end skincare.  Even if you are initially put-off, use the entire product through to completion.  I think you’ll be pleased with the results. OSMOSIS REPAIR MASK

cult beauty trio

BESAME VIOLET BRIGHTENINGBésame Cosmetics Brightening Violet Powder

SEPHORA AIRBRUSHSephora Perfection Mist Airbrush Foundation


comfort & joy

CAUDALIE DIVINE OILCaudalíe Divine Oil soothes my weather-worn skin and hair.  Smell this mix of luxury oils first before you buy.  Potent and intense, I love the fragrance, but not everyone will.  THIS IS THE END

This is the End.  I know I’m late to the party, but I rarely get to theater.  When a movie makes me laugh out loud while alone in my apartment I know it’s funny.  Campy and self-aware, even though it meandered, I still greatly enjoyed the motion picture This is the End.  I will never look at Michael Cera or Channing Tatum the same way ever again.  MICHAEL CERA


Adventures in Self-Dermaplaning part deux

DERMAPLANEI know I freaked some of you out with my scary report on self-dermaplaning.  The first go ’round was rather brutal.  During my second effort at the procedure, I fared far better.  No slicing.  Avoided bloodletting.  Great results.  I refined my technique.  I’ve learned it’s vitally important to cleanse the skin completely of all oils, products, and dirt before beginning.  Prepare the skin with alcohol.  Keep your eye on the blade and the blade at an angle.  Don’t retread the same area more than twice.  The moral of the skin story is that DIY dermaplaning is sketchy as fuck at first, but with a little practice it’s completely possible to safely accomplish.


Adventures in Self-Dermaplaning

SURGICAL SCALPELLoyal readers know that after a few frustrating experiences, I abandoned my expensive monthly spa visits in favor of DIY at-home versions.  For my first self-dermaplaning, I ordered surgical scalpels, specifically Integra Miltex 4-421 Standard Sterile Surgical Scalpel, Size No. 21 (Pack of 10).  Next time, for more precision I’ll order a smaller size like a 15 or 18.SELF DERMAPLANEI watched the youtube videos.  I read the precautions and educated myself on the proper technique.  My first foray into self-dermaplaning didn’t go disastrously, but I did nick myself and draw blood three times.  It isn’t as dramatic as it sounds – think shaving cut – painless and gone tomorrow.  Dermaplaning requires patience and technique.  Lose the proper angle on the blade and bloodshed ensues.  For this reason, I can’t in good conscience recommend you try this at home.DERMAPLANINGI’ve been accidentally sliced by a rushing aesthetician, so I consider the risk differential between home and medi-spa negligible.  Therefore, I will continue to practice my self-dermaplaning technique.  Neophyte that I am, I still managed to turn out equal to better results to my last expensive spa visit.DERMAPLANING B & F

Feeling confused and ambivalent by this information?  I understand.  In sum, you can really slice yourself up with home dermaplaning, so it’s best left to the professionals.  That said, by taking every possible safety precaution, perfecting the proper technique, and exercising patience, it’s possible to achieve spa superior results at home.DERMAPLANE YOURSELF

on my own

MILTEX SURGICAL SCALPELAfter a recent disappointing visit to the medi-spa, I’m over spending big bucks for subpar beauty treatments.  The aesthetician performed an unacceptably splotchy dermaplaning.  In response, I ordered a box of 10 surgical scalpels from Amazon for $14.50.  I’m going to dermaplane myself and save the $60-80 a month.  How hard can it be?  While I was trolling Amazon for beauty products inappropriate for self-administration, I stumbled on some “eyelash tint.”  They can’t technically market the product as eyelash tint, but it’s understood that everybody uses this particular product off-label for eyelash tint ($13.50).  At my last sorry-ass appointment at the medi-spa, not only was my dermaplaning sloppy, so was the eyelash tinting.  This messy Martha allowed the dye to bleed under my eyes.  When it was time to remove the dye, she had me turn my head and eyewash the dye off, but she forgot to remove the mask she applied so it all just ran into my eyes causing a searingly painful mess.  When I said the mentholated mask was running into my eyes, she just cackled maniacally.  Truly sinister.  No more mean, messy Martha.  I’m on my own. REFECTOCIL