Category Archives: BEAUTY

comfort & joy

CAUDALIE DIVINE OILCaudalíe Divine Oil soothes my weather-worn skin and hair.  Smell this mix of luxury oils first before you buy.  Potent and intense, I love the fragrance, but not everyone will.  THIS IS THE END

This is the End.  I know I’m late to the party, but I rarely get to theater.  When a movie makes me laugh out loud while alone in my apartment I know it’s funny.  Campy and self-aware, even though it meandered, I still greatly enjoyed the motion picture This is the End.  I will never look at Michael Cera or Channing Tatum the same way ever again.  MICHAEL CERA

 

Adventures in Self-Dermaplaning part deux

DERMAPLANEI know I freaked some of you out with my scary report on self-dermaplaning.  The first go ’round was rather brutal.  During my second effort at the procedure, I fared far better.  No slicing.  Avoided bloodletting.  Great results.  I refined my technique.  I’ve learned it’s vitally important to cleanse the skin completely of all oils, products, and dirt before beginning.  Prepare the skin with alcohol.  Keep your eye on the blade and the blade at an angle.  Don’t retread the same area more than twice.  The moral of the skin story is that DIY dermaplaning is sketchy as fuck at first, but with a little practice it’s completely possible to safely accomplish.

SURGICAL SCALPELS

Adventures in Self-Dermaplaning

SURGICAL SCALPELLoyal readers know that after a few frustrating experiences, I abandoned my expensive monthly spa visits in favor of DIY at-home versions.  For my first self-dermaplaning, I ordered surgical scalpels, specifically Integra Miltex 4-421 Standard Sterile Surgical Scalpel, Size No. 21 (Pack of 10).  Next time, for more precision I’ll order a smaller size like a 15 or 18.SELF DERMAPLANEI watched the youtube videos.  I read the precautions and educated myself on the proper technique.  My first foray into self-dermaplaning didn’t go disastrously, but I did nick myself and draw blood three times.  It isn’t as dramatic as it sounds – think shaving cut – painless and gone tomorrow.  Dermaplaning requires patience and technique.  Lose the proper angle on the blade and bloodshed ensues.  For this reason, I can’t in good conscience recommend you try this at home.DERMAPLANINGI’ve been accidentally sliced by a rushing aesthetician, so I consider the risk differential between home and medi-spa negligible.  Therefore, I will continue to practice my self-dermaplaning technique.  Neophyte that I am, I still managed to turn out equal to better results to my last expensive spa visit.DERMAPLANING B & F

Feeling confused and ambivalent by this information?  I understand.  In sum, you can really slice yourself up with home dermaplaning, so it’s best left to the professionals.  That said, by taking every possible safety precaution, perfecting the proper technique, and exercising patience, it’s possible to achieve spa superior results at home.DERMAPLANE YOURSELF

on my own

MILTEX SURGICAL SCALPELAfter a recent disappointing visit to the medi-spa, I’m over spending big bucks for subpar beauty treatments.  The aesthetician performed an unacceptably splotchy dermaplaning.  In response, I ordered a box of 10 surgical scalpels from Amazon for $14.50.  I’m going to dermaplane myself and save the $60-80 a month.  How hard can it be?  While I was trolling Amazon for beauty products inappropriate for self-administration, I stumbled on some “eyelash tint.”  They can’t technically market the product as eyelash tint, but it’s understood that everybody uses this particular product off-label for eyelash tint ($13.50).  At my last sorry-ass appointment at the medi-spa, not only was my dermaplaning sloppy, so was the eyelash tinting.  This messy Martha allowed the dye to bleed under my eyes.  When it was time to remove the dye, she had me turn my head and eyewash the dye off, but she forgot to remove the mask she applied so it all just ran into my eyes causing a searingly painful mess.  When I said the mentholated mask was running into my eyes, she just cackled maniacally.  Truly sinister.  No more mean, messy Martha.  I’m on my own. REFECTOCIL

burnt

BURN LEG HAIRI confess to the grossest habit.  I love to burn off my body hair.  I know it’s weird.  I know it smells.  I know it’s potentially dangerous.  I’ll burn my arm hair, leg hair, pubes, whatever.  I’ve never burned myself badly.  It’s not like I flame all the way down to the skin.  It thins out the hair without in-growns.  Frankly, I’m not sure why singeing hasn’t caught on as a more popular technique.  Though apparently it’s a common method of ear hair removal in Turkey?!  Even though singeing is totally freaky and disgusting, it satisfies my inner pyro.  Don’t judge me; it’s not like I’m collecting farts in jar.  Jeez.HAIR SINGE

 

clarisonshit

PEDISONICFuck Clarisonic.  Seriously, I’m so pissed.  I bought that stupid Pedi Sonic device for $200 and the motor died in less than three months.  Janky ass piece of crap.  I’m over ClarisonicClarisonic can eat a dick as far as I’m concerned.CLARISONIC PEDI BRUSH

Not all negative Nancy, I will take this moment to praise Ulta Beauty, a company not exactly world-renowned for their customer service.  When I rolled in with my receipt and the pricey device, I didn’t know how they would try and play me.  At first, there was talk of store credit.  I kept quiet and after some manager headset chatter, I walked away with a full refund.  I didn’t even have to ask.  They knew.  Deep down they knew that Clarisonic did me dirty.  Thanks for making it right without giving me a bushel of grief Ulta.

KENDALL JENNER ULTA

man buns

DREADY MAN BUNDready Man Bun.MAN TOP KNOTMan Bun Top Knot.MAN BUN PROFILEMan Bun Twist.MESSY MAN BUNMessy Man Bun.MAN BUN BLONDMan Bun Blond.MAN BUN NAPEMan Bun Nape.GREASY MAN BUNGreasy Man Bun.MAN BUN BEARDBearded Man Bun.MAN BUN BEHINDMan Bun Behind.

tinted lashes

LASH TINT

I went in for my regular dermaplaning and added an eyelash tint yesterday.   The tinting costs $25 bucks – or the equivalent of luxury mascara – I rationalize.  I know eyelash extensions are all the rage.  I admit they look glamorous, but I know myself well enough to understand anything adhered to my body with tough bond adhesive would drive me bonkers.  Lash tinting enhances lashes without the damage, expense, irritation, drama, or commitment of extensions.

LASH TINT PROCESS

Tinting allows you to wake up with jet black lashes minus the morning after under-eye smudging.  Those with fair or sparse lashes will love the effect of tinting + mascara.  Lazy bitches can skip the mascara completely while still enjoying a flutter of dark lashes.  Supposedly, the tint lasts around 30 days.  If my lashes do indeed remain dark for a full month, I will add tinting to my regular beauty routine.  While the results are subtle, tinting creates an alluring pop of definition around the eyes.LASH TINT B AND AF

The process only takes 15 minutes.  The tricky part is keeping the dye off the skin.  Use an appropriate barrier cream.  The dye didn’t burn or get in my eyes.  I haven’t suffered any irritation or adverse reaction.  Common sense requires you to ensure you aren’t allergic to the dye before applying it around your eyes.  Because somebody should have their eyes on what is happening, I recommend professional application, or at a minimum, recruit a careful friend to help.  LASH TINT DYEMoron Warning: Most of you aren’t idiots, but for the few of you that are, don’t repurpose your hair dye for eyelash tinting.  You need a product safe and specifically formulated for the eye, dipshit.

ALLERGIC REACTION

Cookie Butter fueled

TJ SPECULOOS COOKIE BUTTERSHope you had a great weekend lovelies.  3 shows in 3 days + massive weekend work demands = one exhausted little dove.  I’m fueled by bananas and Trader Joe’s Speculoos Cookie Butter - a truly crackish combo.  I’m awfully thrilled to welcome best pal KB back to town along with her partner.  She’s a super smart lady and an exceptional friend.  I look forward to all the trouble we can get into now they we’re geographically proximate.ROMY AND MICHELEI’ve only tinted my eyelashes once seven years ago, but I’m going to try again this Friday.  Loyal readers understand my personal beauty holy grail involves continually dark lashes without pesky under-eye mascara smudges.

EYELASH TINT

My recent banking fiasco motivated a change in financial institutions.  When the new credit union ran my credit the astonished banker said it was refreshing to see such a high credit score.  To celebrate my fiscal responsibility I went shopping.  In a moment of magical, mystical, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants shit, I found not one, but new three pairs of jeans.  Not only did I find an unlikely triad of sexual jeans (Rag & Bone, Current/Elliott, Vigoss), but they were buy 1 get 2 free.  Grateful to the Denim Gods.KHLOE RAG & BONE

Mung bean sprouts remedy constipation.  Moving along…

MUNG BEAN SPROUTS