I promised you a comprehensive review of Arbonne’s RE9 range, and by now I’ve used the products consistently enough to fairly assess the situation.  Let us start at the beginning of the recommended regime with the Smoothing Facial Cleanser.  The Smoothing Facial Cleanser is a creamy one-pump face wash that suds when agitated with water.  I’ve been using it with my Clarisonic and it works well enough for removing makeup.  It isn’t overly drying, but it does burn my eyes.  For a company that purports to be “natural,” there’s a lot of multi-syllabic mystery chemicals in the formula.  Final Letter Grade: C.  Profoundly mediocre with an unpleasant burning after sensation.  The Regenerating Toner is one of the most surprising and underrated products of the bunch.  The high-end spray bottle dispenses a gentle and refreshing citrus-infused mist.  Even though most people think toners are useless additions to an already bogged-down regime, they can be valuable opportunities for depositing another layer of active ingredients on the skin.  Final Letter Grade: B+.  A delightful 30 second trip to the orange groves. Who doesn’t love a serum?  Serum is like pizza – it’s hard to fuck up.  Intensive Renewal Serum is light and penetrates quickly.  It doesn’t have the heavy silicone feel of many other serums.  My only complaint is that when used alone I need several pumps.  To extend its reach, I mix it with a moisturizer.  Final Letter Grade: A-By far my least favorite product of the pack is the Extra Moisture Restorative Day Creme.  If this stuff gets in my eyes, they erupt in redness and a waterfall of tears.  Final Letter Grade: F. Harsh Sauce.I’d characterize Arbonne’s Night Repair as a decent mid-level night cream with a number of beneficial ingredients including peptides and Vitamin A.  It is decently rich and healing even for those with dry skin.  Final Letter Grade: B.    One of the few products that doesn’t set my eyes afire is the Corrective Eye Creme, and thank goodness for that.  This is an above average eye cream that provides temporary visible results overnight.  It softens, smooths, and pampers the tender, sensitive under-eye area.  I enjoy that it isn’t as heavy as many eye cream formulas.  Final Letter Grade: A-.  Arbonne offers some highs and lows with the RE9 Advanced collection, but my feelings can be summarized as follows.  First, I find their “green” and “pure” claims rather dubious.  For a “natural” product line, I have an unnatural sensitivity to the products.  Second, not one single product stands out as cult-worthy.  Which leads us to number three, none of these products are fantastic enough to put up with the relentless hounding of the Arbonnettes.  Ultimately, there isn’t a product in this spread that can be obtained elsewhere in a cheaper and more natural form.  Ordering from Arbonne with all their schemes just isn’t worth the trouble.  

I met this really nice woman several months ago through professional avenues.  She was kind and complimentary of my services.  She mentioned during the course of our conversation that she sold all natural skincare products called Arbonne and provided me with a generous sample.  A couple days later, she emailed me to see how I liked the products.  Avid readers know that I keep my samples for traveling, so I hadn’t even tried them yet.  I told her as much, and that I’d let her know when I got around to them on my next trip.

Then she started inviting me to see Arbonnettes receive white Mercedes as perks for strong sales performance.  I politely declined.  (Really, I just wanted to tell her that the Mercedes build quality has really deteriorated over recent years, but didn’t think she would find that information particularly relevant.)When I finally tried the RE9 Advanced samples, I begrudgingly admitted they were good.  Keeping my word, I told her of my positive experience with the products.  Of course this triggered an intense sales push.  I planned to get just one, but the company made it so difficult and financially illogical to try a single product that I ended up backing out of the overly-complicated transaction.  She wanted me to pay $20 under the guise that I can benefit from a year-long discount on all their products, plus they want me to pay shipping.  Those fucking sales lures annoy me.

She would not quit with the invitations.  She intermittently appeared around my work.  Her very presence ignited a pilot light of guilt in my gut.  Each week a new email asking me to an event or demo appeared in my inbox.  The girl eventually wore me down with her fucking indefatigable persistence.  After dodging at least eight different invites, I finally accepted one.  I drug my friend Dez along (I owe you bitch), and low and behold if we weren’t the only two in attendance.  Let’s say it together: PRESSURED.Our host spread products everywhere: in the living room, in the dining room, and in the kitchen where we began.  She prepared energy shots and protein shakes, and peppered us with product points as we consumed the mysterious contents of the offered Dixie cups.  Next, we were guided to the sofa.  Now her captives, she commenced her spiel which was comprised of a lot of random, seemingly unrelated statistics about childhood obesity and the nation’s sugar intake.  She promised us chocolate kisses if we asked questions.  Most of the questions I asked she couldn’t answer.  Questions like,

“What are the active ingredients in this product?”

“What do you mean by active ingredients?” She looks at me perplexed.

“Retinol, Acids, Peptides, Antioxidants?”  I nudged.

“I can find out for you.”  She classically covered before quickly gliding on through her presentation.

I wondered how she could possibly be so uneducated about the ingredients in the products she was so aggressively pushing, and furthermore how is it possible that no one had asked her this fundamental information before?Insisting it wasn’t a pyramid scheme, she spent much of the demo trying to sell us on selling Arbonne.   The “direct marketing” approach smacked of structured hierarchy.  If it isn’t a pyramid scheme then why are you trying to add me to your team?  When Dez showed just an inkling of interest in selling the products, our host would not let her leave without promising to host a demo herself.

Despite all this, I still bought products.  Why?  Even though I know it’s all bullshit, the Arbonnette persisted until my polite resolve eventually crumbled away.  In truth, I indirectly bribed her to leave me alone. 

If nothing else, I will review Arbonne’s RE9 Advanced for your benefit.  Steer clear of these bitches though, because they are Amway-style intense.

For years I have been flirting with the idea of investing in my own makeup airbrush system.  A few things have held me back.  First, many systems on the market have proprietary mechanisms which only allow you to use their very expensive makeup in their airbrush system.  Considering the relative simplicity and ubiquity of airbrush technology, purchasing such a limited device makes no sense.  All these airbrushers are basically the same whether you are decorating a cake, making miniature models, or painting your face.  Don’t let those sneaky cosmetics companies convince you that you need to pay several hundred dollars for a device that is widely available for well under $100 bucks. I did consider purchasing an airbrush system originally developed for crafting or cake decorating, but during my dithering fate made my choice.  This Christmas I received the Tickled Pink Airbrush System.  At first, I was off-put by the cutesy-ness of it all.  It was just so pink and precious and that shit makes me heave.  Also, the makeup looked cheap in the bottle, and I was skeptical I could blend a color that would rival the natural look of my perennially favorite base Bobbi Brown.  So the system sat on my shelf for several months.  Only when a photo shoot threatened to expose my skin’s most obvious flaws did I pull Tickled Pink out and give it a whirl.  My prejudices rarely work in my favor.  I need to learn to give things a chance because Tickled Pink is the absolute bees knees bitches. Ignore the cheesy cheap packaging and focus on the splendid makeup.  Mix the colors in your range to create the perfect customized shade from day to day.  Super duper weightless yet full coverage, with Tickled Pink you are living the dream (right Lisa?).I know you are thinking that learning to airbrush your own face could be tricky.  Yes, it takes practice, but it isn’t that hard.  Five times and you’ll find your fluency.  With the awkward angle of self-application, I personally find using my thumb to pull back the trigger helps with control and steadiness. Prepare to enjoy weightless, airy, flawless coverage glowiness all day long with Tickled Pink Airbrush.  Once you’ve had airbrush, traditional methods just won’t do. 

Ten days post-peel, I’m ready to discuss the final verdict on the paint-on glycolic acid procedure.  Shall we review the pros and cons?

Peel Pros

non-invasive ♥ little down time ♥ relatively inexpensive ♥ quick ♥ produces measurable results ♥ addresses sun damage ♥ immediate gratification ♥ addictive

Peel Cons

unpredictable — must avoid the sun — triggers breakouts and fever blisters — requires professional application — causes flaking skin — thoughtful timing needed

I look forward to my next peel and plan to book one in the next few days well in advance of Coachella.  Next time I will ask for more intensity on the cheeks, forehead, and jawline and less intensity around the eyes, mouth and on the nose.  I will also request my neck and the tops of my hands get a little glycolic love too.  One appointment produced noticeable benefits.  A second is bound to improve upon the first.  I have a hunch that three is the magic number, and it’s only after the third appointment that optimal results are achieved.  From there on out, it’s all maintenance.