Category Archives: BEAUTY

on my own

MILTEX SURGICAL SCALPELAfter a recent disappointing visit to the medi-spa, I’m over spending big bucks for subpar beauty treatments.  The aesthetician performed an unacceptably splotchy dermaplaning.  In response, I ordered a box of 10 surgical scalpels from Amazon for $14.50.  I’m going to dermaplane myself and save the $60-80 a month.  How hard can it be?  While I was trolling Amazon for beauty products inappropriate for self-administration, I stumbled on some “eyelash tint.”  They can’t technically market the product as eyelash tint, but it’s understood that everybody uses this particular product off-label for eyelash tint ($13.50).  At my last sorry-ass appointment at the medi-spa, not only was my dermaplaning sloppy, so was the eyelash tinting.  This messy Martha allowed the dye to bleed under my eyes.  When it was time to remove the dye, she had me turn my head and eyewash the dye off, but she forgot to remove the mask she applied so it all just ran into my eyes causing a searingly painful mess.  When I said the mentholated mask was running into my eyes, she just cackled maniacally.  Truly sinister.  No more mean, messy Martha.  I’m on my own. REFECTOCIL

burnt

BURN LEG HAIRI confess to the grossest habit.  I love to burn off my body hair.  I know it’s weird.  I know it smells.  I know it’s potentially dangerous.  I’ll burn my arm hair, leg hair, pubes, whatever.  I’ve never burned myself badly.  It’s not like I flame all the way down to the skin.  It thins out the hair without in-growns.  Frankly, I’m not sure why singeing hasn’t caught on as a more popular technique.  Though apparently it’s a common method of ear hair removal in Turkey?!  Even though singeing is totally freaky and disgusting, it satisfies my inner pyro.  Don’t judge me; it’s not like I’m collecting farts in jar.  Jeez.HAIR SINGE

 

clarisonshit

PEDISONICFuck Clarisonic.  Seriously, I’m so pissed.  I bought that stupid Pedi Sonic device for $200 and the motor died in less than three months.  Janky ass piece of crap.  I’m over ClarisonicClarisonic can eat a dick as far as I’m concerned.CLARISONIC PEDI BRUSH

Not all negative Nancy, I will take this moment to praise Ulta Beauty, a company not exactly world-renowned for their customer service.  When I rolled in with my receipt and the pricey device, I didn’t know how they would try and play me.  At first, there was talk of store credit.  I kept quiet and after some manager headset chatter, I walked away with a full refund.  I didn’t even have to ask.  They knew.  Deep down they knew that Clarisonic did me dirty.  Thanks for making it right without giving me a bushel of grief Ulta.

KENDALL JENNER ULTA

man buns

DREADY MAN BUNDready Man Bun.MAN TOP KNOTMan Bun Top Knot.MAN BUN PROFILEMan Bun Twist.MESSY MAN BUNMessy Man Bun.MAN BUN BLONDMan Bun Blond.MAN BUN NAPEMan Bun Nape.GREASY MAN BUNGreasy Man Bun.MAN BUN BEARDBearded Man Bun.MAN BUN BEHINDMan Bun Behind.

tinted lashes

LASH TINT

I went in for my regular dermaplaning and added an eyelash tint yesterday.   The tinting costs $25 bucks – or the equivalent of luxury mascara – I rationalize.  I know eyelash extensions are all the rage.  I admit they look glamorous, but I know myself well enough to understand anything adhered to my body with tough bond adhesive would drive me bonkers.  Lash tinting enhances lashes without the damage, expense, irritation, drama, or commitment of extensions.

LASH TINT PROCESS

Tinting allows you to wake up with jet black lashes minus the morning after under-eye smudging.  Those with fair or sparse lashes will love the effect of tinting + mascara.  Lazy bitches can skip the mascara completely while still enjoying a flutter of dark lashes.  Supposedly, the tint lasts around 30 days.  If my lashes do indeed remain dark for a full month, I will add tinting to my regular beauty routine.  While the results are subtle, tinting creates an alluring pop of definition around the eyes.LASH TINT B AND AF

The process only takes 15 minutes.  The tricky part is keeping the dye off the skin.  Use an appropriate barrier cream.  The dye didn’t burn or get in my eyes.  I haven’t suffered any irritation or adverse reaction.  Common sense requires you to ensure you aren’t allergic to the dye before applying it around your eyes.  Because somebody should have their eyes on what is happening, I recommend professional application, or at a minimum, recruit a careful friend to help.  LASH TINT DYEMoron Warning: Most of you aren’t idiots, but for the few of you that are, don’t repurpose your hair dye for eyelash tinting.  You need a product safe and specifically formulated for the eye, dipshit.

ALLERGIC REACTION

Cookie Butter fueled

TJ SPECULOOS COOKIE BUTTERSHope you had a great weekend lovelies.  3 shows in 3 days + massive weekend work demands = one exhausted little dove.  I’m fueled by bananas and Trader Joe’s Speculoos Cookie Butter - a truly crackish combo.  I’m awfully thrilled to welcome best pal KB back to town along with her partner.  She’s a super smart lady and an exceptional friend.  I look forward to all the trouble we can get into now they we’re geographically proximate.ROMY AND MICHELEI’ve only tinted my eyelashes once seven years ago, but I’m going to try again this Friday.  Loyal readers understand my personal beauty holy grail involves continually dark lashes without pesky under-eye mascara smudges.

EYELASH TINT

My recent banking fiasco motivated a change in financial institutions.  When the new credit union ran my credit the astonished banker said it was refreshing to see such a high credit score.  To celebrate my fiscal responsibility I went shopping.  In a moment of magical, mystical, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants shit, I found not one, but new three pairs of jeans.  Not only did I find an unlikely triad of sexual jeans (Rag & Bone, Current/Elliott, Vigoss), but they were buy 1 get 2 free.  Grateful to the Denim Gods.KHLOE RAG & BONE

Mung bean sprouts remedy constipation.  Moving along…

MUNG BEAN SPROUTS

 

Of All the Mascaras in my Makeup Bag

BENEFIT THEYRE REALThe Sephora lady foamed all over herself to sell me this Benefit They’re Real Mascara, but I think for all the hype it’s overrated.  There’s a spikey ball on the end of the brush meant to get at those little inner corner hairs, but instead it smears product on my nose and eyelid.  The mascara itself isn’t extraordinary.  After a couple hours of wear, it migrates under the eye which as far as I’m concerned isn’t acceptable mascara behavior.  Grade: CITS SO BIGIt’s So Big has quite the following on Amazon, but I don’t share in the fervor.  The packaging dispenses too much product on the brush.  I don’t have time for the double wipe.  Furthermore, the formula is drying.  Grade: C-

BOOTS NO7 EXTRAVAGANT VOLUME

Boots No7 Extravagant Volume Mascara snuck into my cosmetics bag, and I kinda forgot it was in there.  Waaaaay to much product dispenses on the brush and makes for a very messy and unpleasant application experience.  The brush is so gunky this mascara is almost unusable.  Grade: DTOO FACED BETTER THAN SEX

Of all the mascaras tested, Too Faced Better Than Sex really gives good glam.  BTS delivers major length, non-clumping density, and a deep rich black color.  It’s a great mascara except for staying power.  I love the lash effect, but the under-eye migration ain’t cute. Grade: B+

NYX FULL FIGURED

I saved the best for last.  NYX Full Figured mascara is my favorite of the bunch.  I don’t usually go for waterproof, but NYX Full Figured possesses great staying power.  It lengthens softly.  The brush separates.  No clumping.  Deep Black.  Lasts all day.  Withstands my hot yoga class better than all the other mascaras on this list.  It’s also affordable.  Grade: AMASCARA LASHES

Radical Exfoliation: Clarisonic Pedi Sonic

CLARISONIC PEDI SETMy Clarisonic Mia broke right on schedule at the three year mark.  I swear they equip those things with an internal destruction timer.  For awhile now, I’ve been thinking the Mia isn’t cutting it in terms of power and exfoliating intensity.  Recently, Clarisonic rolled out the Pedi Sonic which has a larger base, a stiff brush attachment, and a metal disc head.  I’m annoyed by the exorbitant $199 price point, but decided to splurge since the device is returnable.  I planned to use it on my face.  I know some of you think that is insane.  I get it.  Truthfully, the metal disc mimics mild microdermabrasion without the suction.  The abrasive brush doesn’t really work on the face because of the super stiff brustles.  Save the brush for your feet.  My skin’s chemically sensitive, but resistant to physical exfoliation, so the hardcore Pedi Sonic option suits me.  For most, it will be waaay too abrasive.  For those brave enough to try, expect exceptional exfoliation.  Deep level shit.  Be careful, because the Pedi Sonic is strong and you could sand your face right off.  Do I have to mention not to use the same disc on your face as you do your feet?  As intended, Pedi Sonic works wonders on feet too.  My main complaint: the little fucker doesn’t hold a charge for shit.   CLARISONIC PEDI SONIC

it Cosmetics

BYE BYE UNDEREYEI received a tiny sample tube of It Cosmetic’s Bye Bye Under Eye concealer.  I immediately loved it and rushed to purchase a full size.  While at the Ulta, I also acquired It Cosmetic’s CC cream.  Yeah, I know, there are about fifty trillion BB, CC, and FU creams on the market right now, so what makes It so special?IT COSMETICS CC CREAM It Bye Bye Under Eye ($24) concealer works wonders face-wide, not just under the eye, and offers sensational coverage on blemishes too.  It CC cream ($38) provides exceptional sun protection, redness neutralization, and rich moisture.  I prefer It CC to Stila, Benefit, TheBalm, and Miracle Skin Transformer.  The moral of this cosmetics story is that I urge you to try those random samples because you never know the product treasure you might discover!    IT COSMETICS BYE BYE