Who doesn’t love a Muffin Monday? Save yourself the expense – both monetarily and calorically – by avoiding the glass cases and bake your own reasonably nutritious and tasty muffs. I promise you this ain’t no GOOP shit. We’re just jshooshing up a box recipe for real. I like the Krusteaz Fat Free Wild Blueberry mix because you don’t need to add anything but water. In a pinch, this mix is super easy and crowd-pleasing without further embellishment. But if you want your muffins to be more, and I know you do, consider these simple additions.
Chia Seeds
Chia seeds are one of those annoyingly ubiquitous health food items that everyone with a mason jar must have to perfect their temple. And yeah, we are talking about the same stuff from the sprouting Chia Pet commercials, “Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia.” Rich in Omega-3, manganese, calcium, and phosphorus these seeds will also add some fiber to your muffins without fucking up the texture. 
Multiply and Diversify the Berries
The puny limp-dick berries in that little sad tin scream box mix. Add some fresh blubes, blackberries, or any kind of berry you like hunny. More berries = a more magnificent Muffin Monday. 
Cinnamon Sugar Topping
For some muffy glamour, create a sparkly crunchy top. Mix cinnamon and sugar together and sprinkle on top of your muffins before baking. I can’t defend the sugar, but we all know cinnamon has a number of valuable anti-cancer and blood-sugar stabilizing properties. This step adds an interesting textural difference that makes for memorable Monday Muffins. 
I know a little dove who swears by Traditional Medicinals Eater’s Digest to tame his tummy troubles. I asked him what he liked about the aperitif and he compared imbibing Eater’s Digest to savasana for your intestinal tract. These days a walk down the tea aisle feels like a visit to the pharmacy with all the ailments the brews promise to cure, but in this instance the tea lives up to its claims. Eater’s Digest, for when you heart someone who farts.
I confess I hate Las Vegas. It is not the town for the pragmatic or the vegetarian, so there are two strikes against me right there. However, after recently seeking out Veggie House, I now have a reason to look forward to refueling in the (cultural) desert.
In the ancient tradition of vegetarian Chinese cooking, Veggie House serves some of the best mock meat for miles. Veggie House offers an extensive menu of cruelty-free seafood, beef, and chicken. Enjoy the crispy “beef” and save the sweetfaced cow. 
I’m not the biggest fan of bottled hot sauces because the heat tends to get overpowered by the vinegar. Not with El Yucateco Salsa Picante de Chile Habanero, this electric green goodness delights with rich, intense, balanced flavor. With a 9,000 Scoville sting, El Yucateco green ain’t for bland bitches, but if you like your food to punish you a little like I do, then track this alarmingly florescent condiment down in the “ethnic” (mild grocery store racism?) foods aisle. El Yucateco comes in a few different flavors of varying intensity, but I can only personally vouch for the fiery wonder of the atomic green. 
Why does Teen Mom 2 star Jenelle Evans have the time and resources for a boob job, but not enough of either to maintain primary custody of her son Jace? 
Why does my nose always itch as soon as I start doing the dishes?
Why do guys think the girls in straight porn are authentically reaching climax?
Why does Patti Stanger give the worst relationship advice ever and still get renewed season after season?
Why do the vaguely upbeat promotional promises plastered all over fast-casual restaurants send me into a state of ennui?
Why does Mila Kunis insist on continuing with this unsettling real life Jackie/Kelso fantasy?
I’m not going to pretend that Food Should Taste Good Sweet Potato Tortilla Chips are any healthier than regular corn chips, but I will say they are quite scrumptiously munchy.
Personally, the sweet-salty oblong chip stands alone in its deliciousness. Some may prefer some sort of salsa or dip. I trust you can navigate this profound choice on your own. 
Prepare to take down an entire (somewhat diminutive) bag of Food Should Taste Good Sweet Potato Tortilla Chips. Just don’t let the packaging, propaganda, or rhetoric convince you doing so is a healthy decision. 
Didja all catch the pineapple pussy-off on last night’s Kourtney & Kim Take Miami? In case you didn’t, Kim and Kourtney debated who had a sweeter smelling puss and decided to put their minges to the challenge of cultivating the freshest scent. To enhance their natural aroma, the girls drank pineapple juice like it was the new master cleanse. I wondered if this was just some krazy shit Kris thought up as a desperate ratings ploy, but no, this pineapple juice drinking is an actual thing people do on purpose to sweeten excretions. Who knows if the technique has actual merit? 
All you really want to know is who won the pussy stank-off, right? Guess who judged? Sister Khloe. Yeah, inhale that. Anyway, no surprise Kim’s world famous twat won against Kourtney’s all-natural baby maker.
Cumin imbues deeply warm flavor to beans and soup. 
Paprika spikes dishes with antioxidants and color. Try it on homemade mac-n-cheese to create a mysterious smokiness.
So this isn’t going to help with your pre-Hawaii crash diet or anything, but these Chocolove bars are fucking everything okay. Per everyone’s advice, we are supposed to eat the dark chocolate. Add in a little dried fruit to cut the bitterness and I’m with you.
Honestly though, in my most Chocoloving moments I can take an entire milk chocolate bar down all by myself. Judge me. Go ahead. 