Category Archives: DIET

I quit you diet coke.

DIET COKE HEADWhen I was a wayward youth, I pretty much got grounded every summer.  The summer I was 13 and stuck at home with my Mom, I picked up her Diet Coke habit.  Actually, when I think back on it, I was drinking TAB and watching Dallas in the early 80′s, so my aspartame addiction spans life-long.  I know it’s bad for me.  I’ve known it’s bad for me.  I’ve shared my Diet Coke shame before (as loyal readers remember).  Recently, while watching the documentary Hungry for Change, listening to Dr. Christiane Northrup describe the brain-cell-killing jamboree aspartame causes made me side-eye my beloved Diet Coke with new disgust.  DIET COKE ZOMBIES

I confess I drank an absurdly large amount of Diet Coke, mostly out of cans, 6 or more a day for years.  I’ll wait while you judge.  Considering the depth of my habit, I was prepared for an intensely difficult withdrawal period.  Surprisingly, I’m fine.  I’m drinking tea for caffeine and La Croix for fizz.  I haven’t had any conscious hardcore cravings.  Of course, I had a dream about popping a Diet Coke last night, but that’s just my subconscious cleansing itself of my filthy addiction.   DIET EVIL

Altoids Smalls

ALTOID SMALLSI come in close contact with at least 20-40 people everyday, and therefore I do my best to combat hot breath.  I prefer Altoids Smalls because they do not contain gelatin.  Diminutive yet powerful, I can discreetly pop a mini-mint and still carry on a conversation unobstructed.  For high-quality kissing, consider these a pre-smooch ritual.    ALTOIDS SMALL VARIETIESsmooch

Happy 420 Easter Bunnies

 

EASTER BASKETBUNNY CARTOON VINTAGE BUNNY CHOC BUNNIES HOT GUY RABBIT EARS STONEY BUNNYCHICK

hatespring

POLLENI hate spring because intoxicating clouds of allergens trigger such an overwhelming immune response I feel exhausted all day.  I only nap in the spring.NAP

I hate spring because I never know what to wear.  It’s too early for bare legs and skirts.  Jeans and boots feel too heavy.  I’m too hot.  I’m too cold.  The erratic weather means it’s warm enough for tank tops one day and cold enough for sweaters the next.  Nothing looks or feels quite right.

OLSENS OUTFITSI hate spring because folks get yearning loins and make bad sex decisions.  Don’t get mad at me because you did something grimy.TINDER

I hate spring because Cadbury Eggs and Peeps are fucking gross.CADBURY PEEPSI hate spring because it highlights my need to shed a chunk of winter weight.  CHUBBY BABY

 

You don’t need…

LAXATIVEYou don’t need a laxative; eat more berries. BERRIES

You don’t need to leave your husband and kids for a lesbian 20 years your junior; acknowledge you’re having mid-life crisis.

MIDLIFE CRISISYou don’t need an electronic cigarette; you need a vape pen. VAPE PEN

You don’t need to feel like you’re missing out if you aren’t watching Lindsay; it’s boring as fuck.

LINDSAY BORING

The Saturday Night Supper Club

LAST LADY SUPPERSuper big thanks to all the wonderful women who joined me for the first meeting of the Saturday Night Supper Club.  Gathering eight women is like herding cats, but ultimately so worth the effort.    HERD CATS

steamy soother

GINGER HONEY LEMONIn the midst of a deep freeze, we need warming.  Bored and unsatisfied with the standard tea, coffee, hot chocolate options, I crave a more nourishing and soothing thermal beverage.  First, it’s time to resurrect my juicer.  Gather organic apples, lemons, ginger, and raw honey.  Juice 2 apples, 1/2 lemon, and a half of a thumb of ginger.  Dissolve a dime size dollop of raw honey in hot water.  Add honeyed hot water to juice to create a steamy, soothing, fruity comforting wintertime drink.  This concoction eases the sting of sore throats, provides a substantial kick of antioxidant immunity boost, and is deeply, deliciously, snug.  Ginger is an anti-microbial and steaming the root unlocks its decongestant properties.  Honey coats the throat, and lemon and apple provide vitamin C.  It’s worth the trouble if you are feeling low.  LEMON GINGER

TCHO SeriousMilk Milk Chocolate

TCHO MILK CHOC BOXHave you tried TCHO SeriousMilk Milk Chocolate?  Milky, with a richly assertive chocolate taste, it may be the bar you’ve been dreaming for, but didn’t think possible.  Unfold the stylish packaging to uncover an ennead of elegantly embossed chocolate squares.  A luxury bar of superior quality, TCHO SeriousMilk Milk Chocolate may cost twice that of Hershey’s, but it’s worth the splurge since this chocolate provides more interesting and nuanced companionship than most people.  Enjoy. TCHO CHOCOLATE BAR

i resolve…

LISTENI resolve to listen.TAKE BETTER CAREI resolve to take better care of myself. OLD RESENTMENTSI resolve to let go of old resentments.DAILY POST

I resolve to post everyday because you bitches yell at me when I skip a day and I love you for it.

WORK HARDER AND SMARTERI resolve to work harder and smarter.DETACHI resolve to remain detached from the outcome.  LOVE V FEARI resolve to make decisions based on love and not fear.