Category Archives: DIET

Happy 420 Easter Bunnies

 

EASTER BASKETBUNNY CARTOON VINTAGE BUNNY CHOC BUNNIES HOT GUY RABBIT EARS STONEY BUNNYCHICK

hatespring

POLLENI hate spring because intoxicating clouds of allergens trigger such an overwhelming immune response I feel exhausted all day.  I only nap in the spring.NAP

I hate spring because I never know what to wear.  It’s too early for bare legs and skirts.  Jeans and boots feel too heavy.  I’m too hot.  I’m too cold.  The erratic weather means it’s warm enough for tank tops one day and cold enough for sweaters the next.  Nothing looks or feels quite right.

OLSENS OUTFITSI hate spring because folks get yearning loins and make bad sex decisions.  Don’t get mad at me because you did something grimy.TINDER

I hate spring because Cadbury Eggs and Peeps are fucking gross.CADBURY PEEPSI hate spring because it highlights my need to shed a chunk of winter weight.  CHUBBY BABY

 

You don’t need…

LAXATIVEYou don’t need a laxative; eat more berries. BERRIES

You don’t need to leave your husband and kids for a lesbian 20 years your junior; acknowledge you’re having mid-life crisis.

MIDLIFE CRISISYou don’t need an electronic cigarette; you need a vape pen. VAPE PEN

You don’t need to feel like you’re missing out if you aren’t watching Lindsay; it’s boring as fuck.

LINDSAY BORING

The Saturday Night Supper Club

LAST LADY SUPPERSuper big thanks to all the wonderful women who joined me for the first meeting of the Saturday Night Supper Club.  Gathering eight women is like herding cats, but ultimately so worth the effort.    HERD CATS

steamy soother

GINGER HONEY LEMONIn the midst of a deep freeze, we need warming.  Bored and unsatisfied with the standard tea, coffee, hot chocolate options, I crave a more nourishing and soothing thermal beverage.  First, it’s time to resurrect my juicer.  Gather organic apples, lemons, ginger, and raw honey.  Juice 2 apples, 1/2 lemon, and a half of a thumb of ginger.  Dissolve a dime size dollop of raw honey in hot water.  Add honeyed hot water to juice to create a steamy, soothing, fruity comforting wintertime drink.  This concoction eases the sting of sore throats, provides a substantial kick of antioxidant immunity boost, and is deeply, deliciously, snug.  Ginger is an anti-microbial and steaming the root unlocks its decongestant properties.  Honey coats the throat, and lemon and apple provide vitamin C.  It’s worth the trouble if you are feeling low.  LEMON GINGER

TCHO SeriousMilk Milk Chocolate

TCHO MILK CHOC BOXHave you tried TCHO SeriousMilk Milk Chocolate?  Milky, with a richly assertive chocolate taste, it may be the bar you’ve been dreaming for, but didn’t think possible.  Unfold the stylish packaging to uncover an ennead of elegantly embossed chocolate squares.  A luxury bar of superior quality, TCHO SeriousMilk Milk Chocolate may cost twice that of Hershey’s, but it’s worth the splurge since this chocolate provides more interesting and nuanced companionship than most people.  Enjoy. TCHO CHOCOLATE BAR

i resolve…

LISTENI resolve to listen.TAKE BETTER CAREI resolve to take better care of myself. OLD RESENTMENTSI resolve to let go of old resentments.DAILY POST

I resolve to post everyday because you bitches yell at me when I skip a day and I love you for it.

WORK HARDER AND SMARTERI resolve to work harder and smarter.DETACHI resolve to remain detached from the outcome.  LOVE V FEARI resolve to make decisions based on love and not fear.

nom, nom, nom…

BOULDER CANYON SP FRIESTell you what I can’t stop munching: Boulder Canyon Natural Foods Sweet Potato Fries.  Many of you will understandably cringe at the use of the term “mouth feel,” but it’s true.  The mouth feel of the sweet potato fry is mega addictive.  Buy two bags because you will tear through the first one almost immediately.  In case you’re worried that they are gross, limp, or greasy – don’t – they are airy, crisp, salty, and light.  Softly crunchy.  Very enjoyable.BOULDER CANYON SWEET POTATO FRIES

Dirty Dinner with Dez

DEZI love my friend Dez.  She’s one of the most generous, kind, and attentive friends in my circle.  I was utterly delighted when she asked me to dinner last night at a nearby bar.  This place isn’t fancy, but I wouldn’t call it a “dive” per se.  Local bar.  Bar food.  Hipsters, but still sports on screens.  You get it.  THE WHORNETSo Dez orders her buffalo burger, and I order my veggie burger.  The dry house-made black bean burger is not spectacular, but palatable.  I didn’t specifically ask, but Dez seemed content enough with her buffalo meat.  Neither of us finished our food, but we didn’t send it back either.  BURGERAs we are winding up our meal, a shocked and curious look came over Dez’s face.  My back was to a long row of windows facing the street, so I figured one of her Plenty-of-Fishermen passed by or something.

THE WHORNET EMPTY“WHAT?!”  I asked.  ROACH

“There’s a roach on the wall.”  She replied calmly.  Dez is a fantastic nurse, so she knows how to maintain composure when lesser women might squeal with girlish horror.  I turned and at shoulder height, in no particular rush, was an inch long roach.  I immediately switched seats away from our little friend and stared incredulously at its unmitigated gall.  This isn’t the roach prom, why are you out here parading around little guy?ROACH PROMWe had already turned our payment over to the waitress.  She brought around our charge slips.  I pulled her in closer, looked her in the eyes, and said “there’s a roach on the wall.”  She looked up and said, “Oh, I’ll tell the manager.”  WAITRESSAnd that was it.  No reaction.  No capturing and killing of the roach.  No apologetic manager.  No apologetic waitress.  No begging to keep this little incident off Yelp.  Concerning non-reaction, no?CLOSED