Just days before the Oscars, Team Zoe multitasked trying to cover the collections in Europe and collecting gowns for the awards show in L.A.  Even though the best frocks seemed to be slipping through her fingers, Zoe dropped everything to rush to London at Kate Hudson’s beckoning.Aflutter with an A-list celebrity contact-high, Zoe was too concerned with wedging her head up Hudson’s ass to panic over her unmet professional obligations.  Even though Burberry surely sent over a narrow range of options for Kate to wear to the show, Rachel took credit for Hudson’s look.  A puffy-faced Kate rocked a military pea coat over a sequined mini dress in two different shades of green.

While imperfectly executed here, ladies take note, don’t run all over town, in the middle of the winter, in a minuscule dress, with no coat, freezing your ass off.  Consider a cocktail-military combination and challenge the traditional assumptions of femininity, masculinity, day, and evening.  Remember, shivering is not chic. Post-show, Kate and Rachel debated the merits of men in turtlenecks (Rachel pro, Kate con).  Then Kate broke out into a few lines of Fleetwood Mac’s Silver Springs a capella, which was simultaneously annoying and impressive.Rachel and Kate returned back to the hotel room where Rodger was curled up in his robe on the bed.  Kate and Rodger double-teamed Rachel on the baby issue, but it’s kind of obvious she doesn’t want one.  This would be Zoe’s wisest decision since the last thing the world needs is any more people.

Rachel raced back to Milan to join Brad for the shows.  They met at a vintage store, Rachel in a Yves St. Laurent leopard trench, and Brad channeling Halston in a controversial turtleneck.  Rachel justified her conspicuous consumption by rationalizing she would model her dreadful QVC line after her vintage finds.  Brad walked away the true winner, scoring a ferocious felt gray wool man cape.First Alberta Ferretti, a purveyor of modern, feminine, Italian elegance.   The collection lacked any really Oscar contenders, but watching Rachel kiss designer ass never really gets boring.

Next Team Zoe ventured to the Missoni showroom where we met up with the (overrated) Margherita Missoni and her (underrated) mother, Angela.  Margherita showed the group a bag with a pocket made of chicken feet, and this was Rachel’s reaction.Can’t stop by Milano and not drop in on Versace. Brad even donned his D jacket for Donatella.  Donatella and her gigantic lips greeted a gushing Rachel.  Brad turned splotchy red, shifted his weight, and wore a tight nervous smile as he cradled Rachel’s coat like her little fur bitch.The show itself produced nil in the way of Oscar options, leaving Team Zoe in much the same position as when they commenced Milan Fashion Week.Later that night, Rachel and the rest of Team Zoe argued over whether she should wear thigh-high boots or patent leather platform wedges.  Even though the boots were better and more fashion forward, Rachel chose the same tired platforms we’ve seen her in 1,000 times.  Shoes aren’t the problem.  She’s so fucking skinny she looks like glamour granny in everything she wears anyway.

At the Bulgari event, Julianne Moore barely tolerated Rachel’s superficiality.  When Zoe inquired as to what Moore would don at the Oscars, Julianne answered Calvin Klein.  This revelation smacked Rachel back into the reality that neither of her clients have gowns for the Oscars taking place less than a week away.Back in L.A., a few dresses, including the Oscar de la Renta princess gown, began to trickle into the studio.  However, Rachel began to suffer the harsh consequences of her irresponsible decision to flee to London to lick Hudson buns when she lost three of her top Oscar choices to other stylists.Rodger tried to talk Rachel off the ledge by arguing that it isn’t a reality until the client knows about a dress and loses it.  Irate, Rachel countered, “But you know when you know it existed?  When it’s on another fucking actress, that’s when you know it existed!”

This week Rachel was on the hunt for the best gowns for the 2010 Oscars.  She proclaimed a white obsession and declared everyone should have a white moment on the red carpet.  According to her, everyone looks good in white.  The truth is most people look like shit in white.  A rare woman wears white head-to-toe well, and it ain’t exactly slimming.  Occasionally, white works and when it does it can be admittedly spectacular.  More often than not, it evokes the inevitable and dreaded bridal comparisons and should be avoided.First, Rachel sycophantically gushed over the brilliant Oscar de la Renta, but it was slightly less annoying than usual since he actual deserves it.  As expected, Oscar served gown after delicious gown, but really only one princess gown stood out as a possible Oscar option.  After the show, Rachel, Rodger, and Brad piled into an SUV to go ten blocks to the Michael Kors show.  Despite sitting in gridlock traffic less than a mile away, it didn’t occur to the West Coasters to get out and walk to make it on time.  The three self-important assholes rolled in late and rude, even though all the editors and other fashion folk seemed to make it on time under identical circumstances.  On the way out, Zoe complained loudly about people sweating them for their bad manners and tardiness.

Rodger and Rachel’s sister, Pam, went to Kiki de Montparnasse to find something sexy for Rachel.  The thought of emaciated, wrinkly, Rachel ensconced in lingerie is enough to conjure the heaves (Rachel Zoe presents the Refugee Collection).  The lubricious salesgirl wasted no time breaking out an “intimacy kit” complete with vibrator.  Mortified, Rodger moved on to the French Maid getup, before settling on a simple black camisole and lace thong that he could have bought anywhere.  Proving he’s at least forty percent queen, Rodger closed the sale by saying, “We should get this because it is sexy, and she can definitely wear this with a Chanel jacket and be happy.”

Next, Brad (sans Rachel and thus relegated to the 5th row) at Derek Lam.  Brad fixated on the modern white drapey cowl-neck high collar gown for Cameron Diaz, which was amazing (and was coincidentally included in Demeter Clarc’s selections of the best Fall 2010 gowns).  Despite the gown’s dopeness, it obviously wasn’t right for Cameron or the Oscars.  Brad says Taylor made him look incompetent, but so far he’s done just fine proving his lack of artistic vision.  His picks are off, and that’s why you should never trust a gay man to do a woman’s job.  Brad excels at dressing men, and that’s where he should turn his focus.

Rachel rushed waaaaay down market to style her QVC fashion show.  The collection looked cheap, budget, and utterly home shopping.  This should prove once and for all that this woman’s style and certainly her design talent, are greatly exaggerated.  Admit it, the collection was not hot.For their anniversary, Marisa gave Rodger and Rachel a DVD of their 1998 St. Barts honeymoon.  Rachel was barely recognizable in the video describing herself as “a brunette with no wrinkles.”  After, Rachel and Rodger traded gifts.  Rachel bought Rodger a gift, and a gift for herself from Rodger – rose gold and diamond handcuffs.  When Rodger busted out the Kiki de Montparnasse box, Rachel recoiled in horror repeating the mantra “not wearing it.”  When Rodger pulled the relatively benign cami out of the box Rachel’s panic subsided, but she batted down his attempt to show the thong.  Can we agree that a sex tape staring these two would be the least erotic thing ever?Rachel seemed pretty disappointed with her gifts until Rodger busted out a custom Barbie doll fashioned in her image.  First Dylan McKay’s Porsche, then Rachel Barbie, gentlemen take note.That evening at Donna Karan, Rachel chirped, “Hey Beauty!” to the likes of Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, and Brooke Shields reminding us that Zoe herself is more hired-help than style star.  Rodger and Rachel told anybody who would listen about their wedding anniversary, and then feigned surprised when congratulated, exclaiming how nice it was that everyone remembered.

Pam sat Rachel down and gave her a serious talking to regarding her reproductive future.  Rachel blames her hectic schedule on her childless womb, but she probably just doesn’t want to get fat or quit smoking.  Hermès, Chanel, Balenciaga, these are Rachel’s babies. Getting ready for Marc Jacobs, Rachel vacillated between hair-up or hair-down, with the majority of Team Zoe preferring the hair up so as not to compete with the ruffled shoulder.  Considering the jacket choice, her hair did look better up, and that’s how she walked out the door.  However, moments later in the car, the hair was down.  How can you trust a stylist that cannot style herself?

The next morning, Brad broke the news of a ban on white gowns at the Oscars.  Rachel whined, “I hate no white.”  Fear not, she utilized the Lam in this Bazaar spread with Atwood.Wrapping things up at Jessica McClintock Marchesa, Rachel fixated on a busy silver beaded dress with a huge bow on the shoulder.  Didn’t we learn anything from Charlize’s bow shoulder disaster from a few years back?  Even though the bow looked like a big ass parrot sitting on the model’s shoulder, Brad proclaimed the gown “the most coveted dress of the entire season.”  He stressed, “If it’s not worn by one of Rachel’s clients, Lord help me.”