Category Archives: FILM

Sunday cinematic swim

PIGGY-IN-THE-POOLMiss Piggy ♥ The Great Muppet CaperMELAINA SHAGMelaina ♥ ShagLINDALinda ♥ Fast Times at Ridgemont HighHONEY RYDERHoney Ryder ♥ Dr. No10 JENNYJenny ♥ 10 ADRIENNE THE CRUSHAdrienne ♥ The Crush

I Know It’s Not Right When…

SODA SHOP DATEHe has to google words I use in text messages.  You don’t know what auspicious means?

Auspicious: showing or suggesting that future success is likely.

He spends three dates talking exclusively about himself and then says “I can’t wait to learn everything about you.”BAD DATE CARTOON

I hate his brown suedeHe cares more about being perceived as cool than he does about my feelings.ONJ AND JOHN TRAVOLTA GREASE

KELLY LE BROCKMy Kelly LeBrock and James Spader references sailed over his thinning hair.JAMES SPADER MANNEQUIN


Oscar 2014 gag/heave report

I’m gagging for…

KAREN OHate the bangs, but I enjoy the way this inky gown drapes your body Karen O. KATE HUDSONA capelet crusader, Kate Hudson in Versace Atelier. KEVIN SPACEY BURBERRYKevin Spacey in blueberry BurberryANNE HATHAWAY GUCCIHathaway defensively donned a Gucci breastplate.

i’m heaving for…


Wrinkled, boring, and confusing, someone explain Sandy B in this pageanty Alexander McQueen?


If Orange Julius raped a praying mantis this Kelly Ripa moment would be the unholy outcome.

PORTIA DE ROSSI NAEEM KAHNSpeaking of praying mantis, Portia needs to lay off the botox for real. KELLAN LUTZ

This shitty suit doesn’t even fit.  Who let Lutz in?  Did he sneak in with a tray of hors d’oeuvres?

Dobler Forever

LLOYD DOBLERI watched Say Anything again recently.  True, I enjoy the intermittent Jeremy Piven and insanely hot Diane Court + Lloyd Dobler kissing, but that’s not why Say Anything warrants a rewatch.  Consider this nugget of epiphanic truth: we’re all holding out for Lloyd Dobler, until most of us settle for a lesser version of Rob Gordon.ROB GORDON

super sad sunday


4 for Friday: From-Your-Closet Halloween Costume Ideas

Kelly LeBrock from Weird ScienceKELLY LEBROCK WEIRD SCIENCE

Necessary materials: white cut-off midriff-bearing sweatshirt, blue briefs, big hair, and major body confidence.

The Pillsbury Doughboy

PILLSBURY DOUGHBOYNecessary Materials: All white clothes, chef’s hat, and zero body confidence.

Ramona Quimby, Age 8


Necessary Materials: sky blue ribbed turtleneck, pageboy haircut, static electricity, and a plucky attitude.

Richard Simmons

RICHARD SIMMONS FOREVERAdd two parts Kelly LeBrock (Big Hair + Body Confidence) plus one part Ramona Quimby – see Plucky Attitude, and add striped shorts, a red tank top, and white aerobics sneakers.


GRAVITYLast night, I saw Gravity with three friends.  The heavily-praised Gravity is the first movie that has gotten me back to the theater since the last mass shooting scared me away from dark crowded places.  I haven’t seen a movie in 3D since I was just a little dumpling and waaaaaaay back then the technology was seriously lacking.  For you old bitches who remember, in the eighties 3D meant tracers of red and green shadows more than an actual change in perception.  So I grabbed my bulletproof vest and headed out with my friends to my first 21st century 3D experience.  I am going to talk about the movie now, so I warn you….GRAVITY CLOONEY

***Spoiler Alert***BULLOCK GRAVITY

Everybody is just gush, gush, gushing about this film, and technically I admit it is superb.  Yet joining the river of gush isn’t my style, nor is it helpful to my loyal and discerning following.  All glory and goodness aside, here’s a fourstack of eyeroll on Gravity.GRAVITY1) Blame the woman.  A Russian spy satellite breaks apart and the debris has initiated a 90 minute orbit of destruction.  Sandra Bullock plays “Ryan” a glorified space mechanic who is trying to make repairs on a space station.  As the space debris begins to hurl towards the astronauts (and the audience, it’s 3D!), Bullock continues to unconvincingly twiddle around clumsily in her oversized space gloves thereby momentarily delaying her return to the airlock.  Even though Ryan’s character has nothing to do with the destruction of the Russian spy satellite, later in the movie she actually apologizes to Clooney in a little girl voice.  Forget the Russians, if there is a vagina in space then blame it!  Obviously, it is the source of all evil!  GRAVITY DEBRIS2) Objectify the woman.  We learn in the first five seconds that space is hundreds of degrees below zero, without oxygen, and weightless.  Gravity describes space as “impossible.”  In a number of scenes, we see the astronauts’ breath fog it is so cold.  The sun comes only in glimpses.  So please explain to me why when Sandra removes her astronaut suit she’s wearing booty shorts and a tank top?  Really?  It is so cold that objects freeze solid, but Sandra’s rocking a short-short in space.  How do you pick a wedgie in a space suit?  For fucksake.  They will force female exploitation into every last crevice of cinema even where it doesn’t belong.  Sandra Bullock’s ass, while perfectly acceptable, is not germane to the narrative.REALLY GRAVITY3) Just grab something bitch!  Everything that can go wrong does go wrong which is the essence of Gravity’s realism.  What isn’t realistic is trained astronauts making the same rookie mistake over and over again even with extensive training.  Cuarón uses the same anxiety-inducing, ultimately tiresome manipulative set up: astronauts hurls towards large floating metal scaffolding and must grasp hold of the station or be set adrift in space.  One or two shots of them grasping at hand holds is exciting.  Towards the end, the audience is frustratingly screaming at the screen “GET A FOOT HOLD BITCH!”  Where is your upper body strength?  G-SUS.  Needless to say, “the breathless grasp” as we’ll call it, is an overused tension-creating device in Gravity.HANG ON GRAVITY4) Have the guts to let Gravity be what it is.  I understand Gravity to be a visual depiction of the physical manifestation of the profound loneliness we feel as an intrinsic and cruel part of the human condition.  We are born alone.  We die alone.  Everything in-between is an attempt to feel not so alone.  Gravity dickslaps you in the face with existential loneliness (now in 3D!).  I won’t straight-up spoil the ending, but I will describe it as “tidy.”  The cowardly crowd-pleasing finale diminishes the overall message.  It would have been much braver to go with an authentic conclusion consistent with the story’s challenging themes.GRAVITY ALONE


Sunday Birthday Party


Triumph of the Day

THE KARATE KIDI had to play the original Karate Kid to muster the courage, but just as Daniel-san kicks blond dick Johnny in his nose in the final match, I triumphed over my shelving unit.  I can’t lie, it got in some good licks, but I am proud to say I assembled the whole thing myself without any help from anyone.  Just me and Ralph.  I even installed casters on that bitch.  It is really mundane, but assembling furniture on my own provides me a profound sense of accomplishment. SHELF ON WHEELSTHAT'S MY TROPHY