Category Archives: FILM

On the Lam, Over the Threshold

GIUDICE PRISONTeresa Giudice spent her first night in federal prison last night.  Have you ever spent a night in jail?  It is so dirty and terrifying.  (No, I didn’t get a DUI.  I know what you are thinking – assault charge!)  I could not make it a year in jail.  The temporary nature and constant influx of inmates makes jail crazy chaos.  Federal prison is surely a more orderly and structured experience, but any style incarceration makes one day feel like one week.  Teresa’s sentenced to over year.  Another downside to fame, you can’t go on the lam.  I’d so be on the lam.  Sometimes I think about where I might lam off to.  Certainly not Mexico.  Iceland?  Switzerland?  Argentina?  Thailand?POKEY

DIAZ MADDENBenji and Cam got married.  Cammie D has been preaching the single girl gospel for years and now she runs off and marries some tubby third rate rocker who hasn’t seen a hit in a decade?  I’m so annoyed.  What’s next?  Fertility treatments?  So standard issue, Cam, really I’m disappointed.  I’m not surprised though, recently she has been looking really desperate, and it’s been one professional failure after another as of late.  Eh em, Annie.CAM ANNIE

 

comfort & joy

CAUDALIE DIVINE OILCaudalíe Divine Oil soothes my weather-worn skin and hair.  Smell this mix of luxury oils first before you buy.  Potent and intense, I love the fragrance, but not everyone will.  THIS IS THE END

This is the End.  I know I’m late to the party, but I rarely get to theater.  When a movie makes me laugh out loud while alone in my apartment I know it’s funny.  Campy and self-aware, even though it meandered, I still greatly enjoyed the motion picture This is the End.  I will never look at Michael Cera or Channing Tatum the same way ever again.  MICHAEL CERA

 

dustbust

OG DUSTBUSTER BTTFBack in the glory of the 80’s, my family had a Dustbuster.  The hand-held vacuum was as revolutionary as the VCR.  When confronted with a dry spill, my spic-n-span mother would first gasp, then clutch her pearls, and then order me to fetch the Dustbuster!  It was my family’s version of Joan Crawford’sTina, bring me the ax” rant.  Eventually, the Dustbuster caught an unshakable funky smell, so we had to bid adieu.  Maybe these repressed mini-vac memories explain why it took me 25 years to buy my own hand-held.  Neat-freak that I am, I don’t understand how I went so long without the handy cleaning companion.  I hate vacuuming with the big vacuum so much.  Not only is it cumbersome and loud, but it doesn’t fit into every nook.  I love running the hand-held along, in the corners, and underneath.  I even employed it to suck the crumbs out of the bottom of the oven (when the heat was off, duh).  The little device tidies up a room quickly and efficiently without entering the weight-lifting portion of the competition with a hefty full-size vac.  I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to cheap appliances, so I bought the best Wal-mart had to offer: the Black & Decker 16v Dustbuster.  It sucks hard and brings me several satisfying intermittent cleaning moments everyday.BLACK AND DECKER DUSTBUSTER

read. saw. splurged

NOT THAT KIND OF GIRLObviously, I bought Lena Dunham’s book Not That Kind of Girl because I’m a voracious consumer of all of Dunham’s creative output.  It doesn’t disappoint.  Girls fans will enjoy retreading source material in what I guess you would call her first book of essays.  What I like most is her intelligent use of rarely used four letter words – example “ford the river.”GONE GIRLI sat through a matinee of Gone Girl with the AARP set today.  In case you haven’t heard, there’s Affleck and NPH peen involved.  It’s a totally serviceable adaptation; true to the novel and stylish, but the movie lacks the urgency I felt while reading the book.  At well over 2 dragging-ass hours, the movie could have benefited from an little edit to accelerate the overall pacing.  In reflecting back, the best part of the cinema experience was listening to the grayhairs chuckle at the preceding Fifty Shades of Grey trailer.LIPSHTICKDid you hear that Wendy Williams is doing another couple shows at the Venetian for their Lipshtick series?  With the exception of the Veggie House, I don’t love Las Vegas, but I do love Wendy Williams.  Snag a ticket and I’ll meet you there.  We’ll make it cute.WENDY WILLIAMS LIPSHTICK

 

October 2014 Horoscopes

LibraLIBRA

Happy Birthday Libra!  Enjoy the warm glow of the sun shining on you during October.  Your flock has been rather needy lately, but this month focus on yourself and your own agenda.  Instead of trying to organize a self-fête, let your friends plan your birthday celebration.  Use Mercury’s retrograde to bathe in nostalgia; include a few pals from the past in your party.  Libras will feel the impact of the retrograde professionally.  Leave yourself extra time and patience to deal with the accompanying snafus.  Realize that the retrograde has a protective quality.  Should a situation that you’ve pinned your hopes on fall apart, consider it a blessing in disguise.  A lunar eclipse on the 8th strongly nudges Libra to make a decision with regard to your relationship.  The second eclipse on the 23rd shifts your standard of living.  You’re movin’ on up.  Dress the part.

 ScorpioSCORPIO

The month before your birthday is best spent resting and preparing for the excitement to come, Scorpio.  This restorative energy supports healing and closure.  With Mercury in retrograde for most of the month, work the backspinning energy to finish what’s undone and release whatever you need to let go.  Retire your bossy and assertive qualities in October in favor of quiet and easy-going because (unusually) you just won’t feel up to a fight.  Optimize your health on the lunar eclipse which lands on the 8th.  Use this energy to restore balance, clean up any personal messiness, and see a professional if you have any lingering concerns.  By the 23rd, the cocooning concludes and you are ready to step into the light of your birthday shine.  Caution: October is NOT the month for a radical alteration of your physical appearance.

 SagittariusSAG

October yields numerous social benefits as Sagittarius acts as unofficial cruise director for the rest of the zodiac.  Gee wiz, with Mercury in retrograde and two different eclipses occurring this month, we could all use a little levity.  The best connections come from situations where you are selflessly giving of your time, talent, and resources.  Embrace an “out with the old in with the new” philosophy when it comes to relationships.  A person in your sphere may be dicking around working unscrupulous angles behind your back.  If the situation smells fishy, pass on the sushi.  This is a terrible month to rely heavily or exclusively on technology.  Have a secondary plan in place should your device fail you.

 CapricornCAP

October spells achievement for Capricorn.  No aim is too high.  Go for it because success is likely with the sun illuminating your professional accomplishments.  Mercury goes retrograde for most of this month.  This energy can cause disruptions in technology and communication, so be patient if your underlings spend most of the month pathetically thrashing around in their own chaos.  The first eclipse on the 8th is bound to influence the way you see your relationships.  A definitive answer will reveal itself clearly.  The second eclipse on the 23rd invites a new circle of friends into your life.  Single Caps may find a suitable partner among this new group.

 AquariusAQUARIUS

October has a conflicted agenda for you Aquarius.  You are imbued with an urge to fly free and travel, but grounded by the complications of pesky Mercury in retrograde which can really fuck up your travel plans.  Plan a getaway to commence after the 25th for your best luck in adventuring.  For sure you’ll want to flee because an uncomfortably tense work environment develops over the next month.  Avoiding the conflict or annoying person won’t work this time.  You’re gonna have to nut-up and address it lest it escalate further into a professional embarrassment.  The first eclipse of the month on the 8th drops unexpected news.  The second eclipse later in the month provides a fresh start at work.

 PiscesPISCES

October is best spent with your most trusted circle, Pisces.  Distribution of finances serves as a major theme this month.  Suddenly, you are very interested in where your money goes and with whom you share it.  Money plays out as a key issue in relationships – from whether you choose to partner to whether you opt to split.  Opportunities for passive income are great, just don’t get seduced by sketchy schemers offering you the world before you see a dime.  Use Mercury’s retrograde energy to seal up any old heartbreaks.  Reach out to make amends.  Avoid signing contracts this month as you are likely to miss important details.

Aries

ARIES

I wouldn’t call it flailing, but the last couple months haven’t been your most graceful, Aries.  October blows a crisp wind of change in your favor.  You return to your rightful place at the head of the pack where you express your individuality without reservation.  Especially interested getting noticed and heard, take effort to look your best.  Quality food and sleep make a substantive difference in your attitude and appearance.  Others notice you’re bursting with extra fruit flavor this month and want to get close for a taste.  The lunar eclipse in Aries happens on the 8th which will be one of your most auspicious days of the year, and therefore a perfect day for setting a plan into motion.  Drop any dead (relationship) weight before this day so as not to obstruct your good luck.

 TaurusTAURUS

Taurus loves a good organization sesh, and October is the perfect time to clean up the mess.  Which dark corners of your life could use a good sweep, Taurus?  Are you fat?  Are you living in filth?  Is your credit shameful?  Of course not, you’re perfect, right?  You work well within the structure of a system, just keep it simple.  When you over-complicate you’re less likely to follow through.  Mercury’s retrograde tosses in the standard communication complications this month, but it’s nothing you can’t handle with your trademark patience.  The lunar eclipse is known for suddenly shifting energy, so change is on the menu for October especially in the realm of healing.

 GeminiGEMINI

October brings big fun Gemini!  You are especially attractive and bold this month.  Choose among your many admirers.  Mercury retrogrades for most of the month.  For Gemini this backspin manifests in saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person.  A verbal lapse in judgment could cost you dearly.  Curtail your gossipy nature this fall.  The lunar eclipse promises a healthy dose of like-it-or-not change.  Expect to clean out your friendship circle under the influence of this eclipse in particular.  On the 23rd, take proactive steps to protect your health.  Administrate kid!  Become the Tracy Flick of your own life.

 CancerCANCER

Snug in at home this October, Cancer.  While you’re staring at the wall, rearrange the furniture so you can stare at a different one.  Funnel your energy into a home makeover, it’s a lot more constructive than most of your other self-soothing activities.  From October 4-25, Mercury goes retrograde and travel plans delay, communication breaks down and electronics glitch.  Draw upon your most saintly patience and wait out the storm.  Provide yourself options in the event you’re stranded.  Wrap yourself up in nostalgia to take your mind off annoying retrograde-related distractions.  October makes a great month to catch up with old allies.

 Leo

LEO

Speak your truth, Leo!  October makes an excellent time for devout honesty.  Expect October to fly by with a ton of responsibility and opportunities for fun.  Get your best fall outfit together and go get ‘em.  You catch wind of a number of inspiring ideas from interesting people during your myriad engagements.  Mercury goes retrograde and with all the possible complications, there are definitely better times to travel, contract, and communicate crucial information.  That said, life can’t grind to a halt based on one little backspining planet, so take the proper precautions, back up your data and march ahead soldier.  With regard to relationships, Leo feels this retrograde in dealings with a female relative this month.  Say what needs to be said Lion – after all your theme this month is devout honesty!  Just take a cue from the retrograde and pause a beat before you go hard on anyone.  Some words can’t be unsaid.

 Virgo

VIRGOPrioritize work this October, Virgo.  Always industrious, October’s work focus allays some of your post-birthday financial anxiety.  As you may have heard, Mercury goes retrograde for most of October and that means electronics glitch, planes delay, and contracting should be avoided.  In addition to the retrograde, a pair of eclipses – a lunar on the 8th and a new moon on the 23rd – cause quite a reckoning.  The first event forces blunt endings to unsatisfying situations, especially shitty relationships.  The second of these two celestial events makes an ideal time for seeding a dream into a future reality.

I’m Really Sad About Joan Rivers

JOAN RIVERS AND PIGGY

Seen

MYSTERY GIRLSFor research and curiosity’s sake, I watched the first two episodes of Tori Spelling’s new scripted series Mystery Girls.  While one might think a Jennie Garth/Tori Spelling nostalgia combo platter would be comforting, in actuality it’s just depressing (not to mention poorly written).  I’m starting to think Tori Spelling lives her whole life as though it was episodic television.  Skip Mystery Girls in favor of Cabin FeverTori and Dean’s Canadian lake cabin renovation reality show filmed last year before all the cheating drama went public.  Some of the renovation ideas are cute and clever.  The kids show up, and I was so happy to see precious Patsy.  Bear witness to the last days of Tori & Dean.  Trouble finding Cabin Fever?  That’s because the reality-renovation show’s marooned on Great American Country (yeah, apparently that’s a network).  CABIN FEVERI’ve seen Obvious Child.  Twice.  I don’t want to tell you what to think about it, but I recommend you support this movie in the theater.  We need more projects like this one funded and available in wide release.  Gaby Hoffman is everything.  I need her to doula my baby.  Jenny Slate, you were on the brink of alienating us with your conspicuous, showy, enduring display of impossibly toned abs.  OBVIOUS CHILDI finally got around to watching Orange is the New Black.  (Thanks Lisa&Paul.)  Well worth your time, but I warn you binge watching that show locked me into such an incarcerated headspace.  I’m late on the bandwagon, so I won’t bother repeating how well-written, diverse, and interesting OITNB is… just get around to it if you haven’t already.OITNB

 

Skills for Life: teenagers lie

TEENAGE KISSAs you know, I’m not a parent.  I don’t even have a pet.  My cayenne pepper plant is the closest thing to a being that depends on me, and it could probably survive on my porch for some time without intervention.  Even though I’m not a parent, I was a teenager.  And to quote Wendy Williams, I was a teenager who was “up to thangs.”  Drugs. Fighting. Musicians. Protests. Shows. Parties. Mischief. Jail.  Because of these experiences, I know when others are up to thangs.TRAFFIC BATHROOM FREEBASEI have a friend.  Well-educated and hard-working, she’s done exceptionally well for herself.  With no children of her own, she treats her family generously.  Years back, she promised her niece that if she met certain stipulations, my friend would take her to Europe for high school graduation.  Recently, the niece graduated.  True to her word, my friend planned a lovely trip overseas for the two of them.A ROOM WITH A VIEWTwo days after gradation and less than a week before their planned departure date, niece split her car between two trees driving drunk.  Thankfully, niece walked away unscathed as did her two passengers.  The collision destroyed the car.  One passenger fled on foot.  One stayed behind.  Niece called her parents.  Her parents awoke to the middle of the night call – a nightmare.  The concerned couple leapt from slumber to fetch a nearly-passed-out-drunk niece from a nearby location.BTW TREESThe family returned to the scene of the wreck.  When the tow truck was called to retrieve the crunched car, the tow truck driver informed the parents that he was obligated to notify the police because the property damage exceeded $1000.  While her parents are cleaning up her mess, niece is passed out drunk in the back seat of their car.LOHAN PASS OUTCops show up.  Dad says he’s the one that was driving.  Dad receives citation for reckless driving.  As a result, teenage drunk driving niece endures zero consequences for her extraordinarily reckless actions.  The next day, niece plays innocent and convinces naive parents that this is the first time she has ever driven drunk.  She appears contrite.  They allow her to go to Europe anyway.90210 IN PARISI think this response is total bullshit.  Not on my friend’s part.  She’s an innocent bystander in this situation just following through on her promise, and I admire her for that.  I’m looking at the parents in judgement.  Parents never want to believe the worst or the truth regarding their child (too often one in the same).  “The other kid was the ringleader… My kid was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”  I can’t with the excuses.  Your kid is a fucker.  I know this because I was a fucker.  I was up to thangs, and I relentlessly and pathologically lied to cover my ass.  Lying is what teenagers do.  Don’t take it personally.  Deception is a developmental stage.  Just don’t be gullible enough to believe the little liars – or worse reward them for their dishonorable behavior with a European vacation.BAD EGG

 

Fast Forward

FAST FORWARD DANCINGI love using the internet to reconnect with random and obscure pieces of nostalgia from my childhood.  When I was a kid, I loved a dance movie (who didn’t?).  Girls Just Want to Have FunFlashdance. Dirty DancingFast Forward.  Haven’t heard of that last one?  Fast Forward tells the tale of 8 struggling performers from Sandusky, Ohio who set off to NYC with a hope and a dream to win a record label’s annual talent showcase.  I loved this corny mess and watched it on replay.FAST FORWARD ARRIVAL NYC It was directed by Sidney Poitier and Quincy Jones served as the executive music producer, but don’t let those names fool you into thinking this is a quality film.  Everything about Fast Forward is totally silly.  It also has everything I like in one movie: 1) A delightful apartment makeover montage; 2) A dance-off; 3) Women fighting off rapists by kicking them in the balls; and 5) Dance pant moose knuckles.DANCE OFF FF Furthermore, upon rewatching, I’m pretty sure this floppy disco-tittied movie is the origin of my own personal anti-bra policy.    FAST FORWARD DANCE