Category Archives: FITNESS

Plug It In?

ALEX AND SIMONThink waaay back to season one of The Real Housewives of New York City.  There’s a moment when Alex, Simon, and Bethenny are standing around gossiping about Ramona’s reaction to Alex adding her husband Simon to “girl’s night.”  Alex defends Simon’s attendance at the dinner and makes some stupid remark about discussing vibrators in mixed company.  To paraphrase, “What’s the problem?  Just plug it in.”  In a subsequent interview segment Bethenny shrieks nasally, “Plug?! Plug?!  Like what era are you in?!”WAND MASSAGERWhat I’ve learned about vibrators as of late applies equally to power tools of any kind.  A cordless will work in a pinch or when convenience necessitates, but if you want the type of power that completes the job professionally with efficient ease then plug into the grid.  Plug-in vibrators never tire, rarely overheat, and don’t require constant battery replacement.  Plus, many innocently double as damn good massagers for sore muscles.    SINCLAIR INSTITUTE SELECT


POLLENI hate spring because intoxicating clouds of allergens trigger such an overwhelming immune response I feel exhausted all day.  I only nap in the spring.NAP

I hate spring because I never know what to wear.  It’s too early for bare legs and skirts.  Jeans and boots feel too heavy.  I’m too hot.  I’m too cold.  The erratic weather means it’s warm enough for tank tops one day and cold enough for sweaters the next.  Nothing looks or feels quite right.

OLSENS OUTFITSI hate spring because folks get yearning loins and make bad sex decisions.  Don’t get mad at me because you did something grimy.TINDER

I hate spring because Cadbury Eggs and Peeps are fucking gross.CADBURY PEEPSI hate spring because it highlights my need to shed a chunk of winter weight.  CHUBBY BABY


She Doesn’t Want Flowers

CAR WASHWash and gas the car.CLEAN BATHROOMClean the bathroom.MCGHEE BABYPrint and frame a photo.TORRES CHOCOLATEProcure the high-quality chocolate. MUFFINS IN BEDBreakfast in bed; blueberry muffins please.COUPLES YOGAPractice yoga together.WASH THE BEDLaunder the bedding.FUCKING HIPSTERS


i resolve…

LISTENI resolve to listen.TAKE BETTER CAREI resolve to take better care of myself. OLD RESENTMENTSI resolve to let go of old resentments.DAILY POST

I resolve to post everyday because you bitches yell at me when I skip a day and I love you for it.

WORK HARDER AND SMARTERI resolve to work harder and smarter.DETACHI resolve to remain detached from the outcome.  LOVE V FEARI resolve to make decisions based on love and not fear.

i’m grateful…

PEANUTS THANKSGIVING…to spend the day with kind, welcoming, and gracious sunset…even though I’m working today; it’s a blessing because I love my job. VEG…for access to abundant fresh foods to prepare and share.VEG TG…most of all for you!  Happy Thanksgiving! DCPOOH AND PIGLET


Things my friends do that I don’t understand

ESSENCE OF ASSHOLEI have a friend who takes baths in hotels, and not high-end ones either.  The kind where it is likely someone OD’d in the bathtub.BUBBLE BATHI have friends who lock their pets away all day and then accuse me of “not being an animal person.”  At least I didn’t have one for lunch, and there isn’t one locked away in a tiny dark room in my house like the Devil’s Issue in Flowers in the Attic. MEOW KITTYI have a friend with 7 figures in the bank who won’t spring for a 4 day dress rental for a black tie event.ETRO SPRING 2014 RTWI have a friend who claims to want to visit an Indian ashram, but complains about carrying her yoga mat around Telluride.HIPSTER YOGI FEET


AMALUNA WATER BOWLLast night, I was fortunate enough to land two free VIP tickets to Cirque du Soleil.  Having never attended the human circus, I jumped at the opportunity to see the show (and for anyone to confuse me with an actual VIP). AMALUNA BALANCEOur VIP tickets placed us very near the front of the stage in a venue where there isn’t really a bad seat.  We were so close, I could smell the various grooming products the performers used to steady their elaborate ‘dos and paint their faces into animalistic expressions.AMALUNA DANCERS LINEDuring intermission, VIPs were presented with champagne, delicious sweet nibbles – there were Nutella waffle bites that I could have shanked a bitch for – and a gift bag with a book and CD.  So this is what it feels like to get a schwag bag at the OscarsFANCY ROUGE TENTI’m sure many of you have caught a Cirque du Soleil show either in Vegas or on tour, but if you haven’t, I recommend you check it out at least once.  If only for the performers’ chiseled bodies – GSUS.  AMALUNA MUSCLESI would like to express my sincerest gratitude for the opportunity to see a world class performance which combines the best of circus, ballet, yoga, acrobatics, and costuming into one spectacular show.  It was beautiful, and even though I was blessed with gratis tickets, Cirque is fully worth the admission price.  Merci!BAR GIRLS AMALUNA

I refuse to give up from childhood…

CRAYOLA 96…A brand new jumbo box of Crayola crayons.  They come in an expanded package of 96 now!  So soft and luscious, and as an adult you won’t have to share with any of them bogarting little kindergarten bitches.  You’ve had the Peach for a half an hour and and you’ve worn it to a nub.  Geez, I hated children even more when I was a child. HORSES PRINT AND COLOR…Tantrums.  I was at IKEA today marveling at the kids under three maintaining in that soul-suck.  I was ready to throw a tantrum after fifteen minutes of that overstimulating warehell.  IKEA TANTRUM…Macaroni & cheese and/or grilled cheese.  I don’t need to add truffles or any of that fancy shit to justify it either.  I’ll take onion and tomato on the grilled cheese and a side of onion rings if anyone is taking orders.ONION AND TOMATO GRILLED CHEESE…Nitrous.  I was at the dentist last week and he asked me if I wanted nitrous.  I looked at him like he was crazy, “Doc who doesn’t want nitrous?”  Pass the mask and crank it up.  Give ‘em a sob story about your dental phobia and they tend to get extra generous with the dial.  SCOLDING WIVES


Needling part deux

Tapping in acupuncture needleAfter my first dry needling sesh, I experienced immediate and miraculous relief from a nagging pain in the ass.  Post-treatment, I am enveloped in self-producing chemical euphoria.  The next day, I felt sore locally as if these muscles had endured a strenuous workout.  A day or so later, I completed a light hike, but that seemed to reaggravate the old injury and trigger tightness in the recently released area.  During the first appointment, Casey only treated my symptomatic left side, but once those myofascial trigger points released it made my right side feel tight and fucked up by comparison.DON'T KNOW WHY THIS BITCH IS SMILINGFor my second appointment, I requested needling on both the right and left sides.  A few tight points had indeed returned in the left glute med and piriformis, so he needled three spots.  It felt different, in some respects more painful and needle-y than the first time, but also the bundles of tension seemed to dissipate more quickly than before.  When Casey turned his attention to the right cheek, the needling electro-pinged with virgin intensity.  I just screamed, “Oh Fuck, Oh Fuck, Fuck Casey.”  Casey just loves to sheepishly exit my treatment room and face all his nervous waiting patients after they overhear my loud hysterics penetrating through the walls.DRY NEEDLE NECKThe day after my second sesh, I felt super sore and ass-weak.  A couple days later, my butt felt better than ever.  The true test will come this weekend when I attend Pitchfork.  Standing around all day smelling bearded hipsters tends to twerk my ass into a tizzy.  If I can survive a festival without a major pain in the ass, than I will be really impressed with the benefits of dry needling.PITCHFORK