Okay, so I’m not the super most hardcore hiker in the world, but I’ve hiked some shit and don’t get easily intimidated by physical challenges. When I researched hiking the Kalalau Trail, one of the few ways to access the rugged Nā Pali Coast, I didn’t necessarily get hysterical when people on Tripadvisor proclaimed “You can die on this hike!” Those bitches were right!
First, Kaua’i is (obviously) muddy because of frequent rains. Therefore, the trail is usually super muddy and slick. It begins with difficult slippery, steep rock terrain, dries out into an exposed root section, and requires crossing a fast moving stream several times before tunneling into a terrifying stretch of super muddy path with a sheer drop-off. I spent most of the hike repeating the mantras, “I am the rock. I am the mud. I am the mountain” hoping the affirmations would please the Garden Isle Gods and they might spare me a broken bone or twisted ankle. 
To add another layer of intrigue, in December of 2012, apparently some methy jungle-living asshole pushed a Japanese tourist off a 15 foot cliff on this very trail. She did not die, but was critically injured. When I wasn’t watching the ground to ensure my footing, I was looking up the hill to make sure a psycho tweeker wasn’t about to descend on my ass. Good times on Kaua’i!
In total, I hiked 8 miles in 5 hours. The ranger predicted it would take me 7, but he doesn’t know me. I do work, son.
Considering the difficulty and intensity of the hike, I can’t let the opportunity pass to share with you some of the profound displays of stupidity I encountered along the way. 
1) Did you really bring your infant? Look, I know parents don’t want to leave their little babies at the resort with a sitter, but this hike was no place for a child. Several parents carried babies in backpacks on this trail. Without a backpack and even with three points of contact on the mountain, I still found the terrain extremely slippery and treacherous. What happens when you slip and drop your child? Not a good look. Most young children will not enjoy this experience. You will spend the whole time worrying about them, and it won’t be fun for anyone. Depending on the child, 10 and under can sit this one out. Drop them at the kiddie pool with Nana.
2) Are you seriously wearing a skirt? I passed a girl who was ordering everyone around wearing a khaki mid-thigh skirt. Bitch stop supervising everyone else and put on some fucking pants. This is not a day of shopping at the GAP. G-sus. 
3) Do you really need that tripod? About 2/3 of the way into the 8 mile hike, I saw a couple trying to negotiate a huge tripod and some intense camera equipment through this mess. We all enjoy a good vacation photo, but a full size tripod is overkill and trying to haul one up this gnarly trail could very well kill you. If your name is not Ansel Adams, pack a point and click and get over it. Best to keep your hands free and pack as light as possible. 
4) Make sure your entire party is able-bodied. If one or more persons in your group is scared or even lukewarm on this adventure, leave them behind. Don’t drag folks down this path. They will bitch throughout, possibly injure themselves, and then blame you. Even the enthusiastic will be daunted early on, so prepare yourself to turn around if someone in your group isn’t feeling the intensity. 
5) Check your ego. Even the most mountain-y among you aren’t likely to have experience with this type of terrain. The combination of ascent, rocks, roots, mud, crowds, narrowness, and consistent difficulty make this one of the most challenging hikes I’ve encountered and I live in a place with some big ass mountains. 
I’m meditating in the desert bitches. 
I thought I liked those stupid J-41 shoes, but after shredding 2 pairs in quick succession the shoddy fabrication became a deal-breaker. I’m on to a fresh set of Merrell Barefoot which are so much more durably constructed. 
Super lightweight and narrowly tailored to the foot in keeping with the latest running principles, these shoes work for the daily grind and rise to the challenge of a hike. I find them comfortable, cute, and travel-friendly. 
Some of you are like, who? All you need to know about Apa Sherpa is that he holds the record for summiting Everest 21 times, and that’s more than anybody else. 
After 21 trips up to the summit, Apa Sherpa noticed all the trash the well-funded adventure climbers left behind, so he spearheaded a clean-up of several tons of refuse. 
He also noticed the snow is melting. Paths that were once completely snow and ice covered now show exposed rock in patches – just another depressing first-hand account of climate change from the world’s tallest peak. 
I’m not a person who traditionally invests in massages or bodywork. Even though I recognize the value of the service, truthfully it always felt a little self-indulgent. 
Recently, an interesting colleague approached me with an offer of a trade. In exchange for instruction in my given area of expertise, she would provide bodywork – specifically craniosacral and Thai massage. Knowing that massage is not something I’m likely to invest in of my own accord, I accepted her offer. 
We’ve met consistently over the last five weeks. I’ve noticed legitimate short-term change in my body. If nothing else, I leave our time feeling more open, relaxed, and in a better mood. 
First, as predicted by many, Nashville lived up to its golden pedigree. This isn’t a show about country music per se. It is a modern soap set in a town run by country music (which is a meaningful difference). Connie Britton hasn’t ever disappointed me, and I’m so happy to see her strong performance drive this staring vehicle. Hayden Panettiere isn’t really that good of an actress so I’m assuming she was typecast because she delivers a surprisingly nuanced performance. In sum, Nashville is worth tolerating a twang for.
With autumn comes a vengeance of sneezers and coughers. I know these cold sufferers are feeling really sorry for themselves, but seriously, cover your mouth and wash your hands. Here’s a novel notion: if you are that sick, stay home, sip tea, and ask yourself why you were Patient Zero among your clan during this season of sickness.
In the market for new workout wear? I get so many compliments on my Margarita yoga pants made by hand in Israel. They hold up as well as Lulu, but have much more personality.
I confess I’m spending another weekend on the mat at a yoga retreat. I know, I know, I’m not Jennifer Aniston. 
My good buddy is coming into town and we are going to spend the weekend working our practice for 6 hours a day. Some of you stopped reading right there. 
We’ll bend and twist in so many obscene ways. Here are a few of the poses we’ll play with in case you are morbidly curious…
Go outside. Wasted the summer on the sofa? There is still plenty of time to get off your ass and feel the sun on your face. It doesn’t have to be an all day commitment. My friend Trisha and I took a short but challenging hike over the weekend and celebrated with smoothies and pancakes. I was back on the couch with the bong by 3 pm, but this time with a misguided sense of accomplishment. 
Go natural. Lose the make-up, hair dryer, and trappings of effort and just go as you are for at least a day. See how good you look free from all the cosmetic “enhancement.” Ever since I stopped brushing my hair like an Olsen everyone keeps saying how great it looks. A dialed-down you might receive surprisingly interesting reactions. Why not cultivate an effortless look by actually using less effort?
Embrace frivolity. Before September strikes, enjoy a moment of total silliness. Play in a sprinkler. Wear ridiculous vintage. Smile at strangers. Read Jacqueline Susann. Send a postcard. Shamelessly court fun.
Some people like massages. Some people like expensive wine. I like sleep. For me it is the greatest luxury, but it can be quite elusive. Meaningful sleep at times requires coddling, so I’m always exploring options for extending my stay in dreamland. 
Cut the data connection to the bedroom. Seriously, isn’t it enough we have to endure the constant intrusion of cell phones on the dinner table, but the bedside table too? Most modern cell phones emit significant light and noise even when dimmed and set to vibrate. I know many folks use their cell phones as alarm clocks. If you enjoy undisturbed sleep with a cell phone by your head, then no problem (other than that pesky radiation), but if you are up in the middle of the night obsessively texting and checking Facebook then that explains why you are acting like a cranky asshole during the day.
In times of desperation, the following options never fail: 1) a doobie, 2) an orgasm. Try getting stoned or laid or both before popping one of those crazy and dangerous sleeping pills. 