Category Archives: FITNESS

i resolve…

LISTENI resolve to listen.TAKE BETTER CAREI resolve to take better care of myself. OLD RESENTMENTSI resolve to let go of old resentments.DAILY POST

I resolve to post everyday because you bitches yell at me when I skip a day and I love you for it.

WORK HARDER AND SMARTERI resolve to work harder and smarter.DETACHI resolve to remain detached from the outcome.  LOVE V FEARI resolve to make decisions based on love and not fear.

i’m grateful…

PEANUTS THANKSGIVING…to spend the day with kind, welcoming, and gracious sunset…even though I’m working today; it’s a blessing because I love my job. VEG…for access to abundant fresh foods to prepare and share.VEG TG…most of all for you!  Happy Thanksgiving! DCPOOH AND PIGLET


Things my friends do that I don’t understand

ESSENCE OF ASSHOLEI have a friend who takes baths in hotels, and not high-end ones either.  The kind where it is likely someone OD’d in the bathtub.BUBBLE BATHI have friends who lock their pets away all day and then accuse me of “not being an animal person.”  At least I didn’t have one for lunch, and there isn’t one locked away in a tiny dark room in my house like the Devil’s Issue in Flowers in the Attic. MEOW KITTYI have a friend with 7 figures in the bank who won’t spring for a 4 day dress rental for a black tie event.ETRO SPRING 2014 RTWI have a friend who claims to want to visit an Indian ashram, but complains about carrying her yoga mat around Telluride.HIPSTER YOGI FEET


AMALUNA WATER BOWLLast night, I was fortunate enough to land two free VIP tickets to Cirque du Soleil.  Having never attended the human circus, I jumped at the opportunity to see the show (and for anyone to confuse me with an actual VIP). AMALUNA BALANCEOur VIP tickets placed us very near the front of the stage in a venue where there isn’t really a bad seat.  We were so close, I could smell the various grooming products the performers used to steady their elaborate ‘dos and paint their faces into animalistic expressions.AMALUNA DANCERS LINEDuring intermission, VIPs were presented with champagne, delicious sweet nibbles – there were Nutella waffle bites that I could have shanked a bitch for – and a gift bag with a book and CD.  So this is what it feels like to get a schwag bag at the OscarsFANCY ROUGE TENTI’m sure many of you have caught a Cirque du Soleil show either in Vegas or on tour, but if you haven’t, I recommend you check it out at least once.  If only for the performers’ chiseled bodies – GSUS.  AMALUNA MUSCLESI would like to express my sincerest gratitude for the opportunity to see a world class performance which combines the best of circus, ballet, yoga, acrobatics, and costuming into one spectacular show.  It was beautiful, and even though I was blessed with gratis tickets, Cirque is fully worth the admission price.  Merci!BAR GIRLS AMALUNA

I refuse to give up from childhood…

CRAYOLA 96…A brand new jumbo box of Crayola crayons.  They come in an expanded package of 96 now!  So soft and luscious, and as an adult you won’t have to share with any of them bogarting little kindergarten bitches.  You’ve had the Peach for a half an hour and and you’ve worn it to a nub.  Geez, I hated children even more when I was a child. HORSES PRINT AND COLOR…Tantrums.  I was at IKEA today marveling at the kids under three maintaining in that soul-suck.  I was ready to throw a tantrum after fifteen minutes of that overstimulating warehell.  IKEA TANTRUM…Macaroni & cheese and/or grilled cheese.  I don’t need to add truffles or any of that fancy shit to justify it either.  I’ll take onion and tomato on the grilled cheese and a side of onion rings if anyone is taking orders.ONION AND TOMATO GRILLED CHEESE…Nitrous.  I was at the dentist last week and he asked me if I wanted nitrous.  I looked at him like he was crazy, “Doc who doesn’t want nitrous?”  Pass the mask and crank it up.  Give ’em a sob story about your dental phobia and they tend to get extra generous with the dial.  SCOLDING WIVES


Needling part deux

Tapping in acupuncture needleAfter my first dry needling sesh, I experienced immediate and miraculous relief from a nagging pain in the ass.  Post-treatment, I am enveloped in self-producing chemical euphoria.  The next day, I felt sore locally as if these muscles had endured a strenuous workout.  A day or so later, I completed a light hike, but that seemed to reaggravate the old injury and trigger tightness in the recently released area.  During the first appointment, Casey only treated my symptomatic left side, but once those myofascial trigger points released it made my right side feel tight and fucked up by comparison.DON'T KNOW WHY THIS BITCH IS SMILINGFor my second appointment, I requested needling on both the right and left sides.  A few tight points had indeed returned in the left glute med and piriformis, so he needled three spots.  It felt different, in some respects more painful and needle-y than the first time, but also the bundles of tension seemed to dissipate more quickly than before.  When Casey turned his attention to the right cheek, the needling electro-pinged with virgin intensity.  I just screamed, “Oh Fuck, Oh Fuck, Fuck Casey.”  Casey just loves to sheepishly exit my treatment room and face all his nervous waiting patients after they overhear my loud hysterics penetrating through the walls.DRY NEEDLE NECKThe day after my second sesh, I felt super sore and ass-weak.  A couple days later, my butt felt better than ever.  The true test will come this weekend when I attend Pitchfork.  Standing around all day smelling bearded hipsters tends to twerk my ass into a tizzy.  If I can survive a festival without a major pain in the ass, than I will be really impressed with the benefits of dry needling.PITCHFORK

pain in the ass

ASS PAINFor the last five years or more I’ve had a pain in the ass.  This is not a metaphor.  A sharp, hot, stabbing, radiating pain lives just adjacent to the left bottom rim of my sacrum.  The agony isn’t constant, but flare-ups occur more frequently when I am super active.VERTICAL SPLITSOne day I woke up and realized that I was unnecessarily coping with significant spells of discomfort.  That’s a pretty shitty way to live.  So when I was offered a free dry needling sesh, I jumped all over it.DRY NEEDLE SHOULDER

What the fuck is dry needling you ask?  Dry needlers bristle when you compare the practice to acupuncture even though the two are remarkably similar.  During dry needling, an acupuncture needle is used to penetrate directly into the myofascial trigger point.  The disruption causes the muscles to spasm, in my case wildly, which in turn kicks on the production of endogenous opioids.  Enjoyable indeed.DRY NEEDLE GLUTEMy PT Casey ran a number of diagnostic tests and determined the instability lie primarily in my left gluteus medius and piriformis.  He rolled me face down on the treatment table and prepped my ass for a needle.  He located three massive mysofascial trigger points: 2 in that rascally glute med and one in its bitchy cousin the piriformis.    DRY NEEDLING GLUTEWhen Casey inserted the needle into the first hardened muscle bunch it felt like a quick succession of a 1,000 electrocutions.  My ass cheek was twitching like a tweaker.  Face down in the massage-style treatment chair, all I could do was repeat “oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck,” over and over and again until finally he removed the needling stimulus.  The inflamed muscle responds to the needle with a million repetitive contractions and releases which begin to self-soothe the unrelenting knots.  Dry needling felt crazy – a bit like being tasered, but in just one spot.  There is something truly spooky about not having control over your own ass muscles.DRY NEEDLING BUMSince this injury has been marinating for so long, Casey admitted mine was one of the biggest glute med releases he ever witnessed, and I strangely take some sort of sadistic pride in knowing that fact (such a fucking weirdo).BIG RELEASEPredictably, I was immediately sore after the treatment, but after a couple margaritas at my post-needling happy hour, I felt no pain.  Now a day or two later, the symptoms have significantly improved (at least 62% better).  Very rarely do I see results after one treatment of anything, so experiencing such a dramatically positive outcome after the first visit converted me to dry needling.  It’s a little freaky to experience involuntary ass twitching, but dry needling is also an effective, non-pharmaceutical response to pain management.  There is absolutely no reason to live with that pain in your ass.  ENOUGH BUTT PAIN


it isn’t summer until…

REED'S GINGER BREWS…you’ve enjoyed a Reed’s Ginger BrewDUCK DUCK GOOSE…you’ve played duck, duck, goose with some kids in the yard.   FEET FIRST…you’ve plunged in feet first.TRAFFIC…you’ve experienced gridlock.  MOSQUITO…you’ve been bitten by a mosquito. DRINK OUTSIDE…you’ve enjoyed a drink outdoors.WEDDING

…you’ve attended a wedding.TAN LINES

4 for Friday

YOGA TIMES SQUAREHappy Solstice!  Today we welcome summer.  I will complete 108 sun salutations to initiate in the new season.  The practice helps me shed old energy and embrace the future.  If my tan so far is any indication, this summer is going to be the best summer ever.  KIM AND KANYENo those bitches didn’t name that baby North West.  For fucksake. KIM AND KANYE MET BALL

PAULA DEEN LOVES BLACK PEOPLEIn this week’s non-bombshell news, is anyone actually surprised that Paula Deen is a racist?  OPRAH KNOWS ABOUT PAULA DEENFor today’s overreaching bossy advice I command you go outside and smile at a stranger.  Okay, fine, sneer if you want to, but go outside.  REESE BITCHFACE