Category Archives: HOROSCOPE

January 2014 Horoscopes

CapricornCAPRICORN

Happy Birthday in this New Year Capricorn!  It gets crowded in your celestial neighborhood with a clusterfuck of planetary activity.  Enjoy all shine on you Capricorn with a new moon and its accompanying nascent verve.  Always the dutiful workhorse, January virtually requires you get self-centered.  That doesn’t mean selfish; it just means self-focused.  Your homework is to do something frivolous that makes you happy.  In midst of fun, you may stumble upon a deeply held unconscious wish.  This is the key to uncovering your true desires.

AquariusAQUARIUS

Happy New Year Aquarius!  You might be writing 2013 on your checks for the next couple weeks because you aren’t quite done with last year.  Aquarius sifts through the recent past remembering an old home, a former lover, or the family that once was.  Letting go of these familiar loves, places, and habits isn’t easy and it will take you a little extra time to shift into the momentum of the New Year.  Take the time you need to close one chapter before you begin another.  Heal the wounds and clear the scar tissue surrounding those old emotional injuries.  When you make way, you’ll see the future clearly.

PiscesPISCES

Best New Year Wishes, Pisces!  Friendship, networking, and nonsexual connections dominate the January landscape.  Form your team.  Gather a worthy and skilled group.  At the helm of this mighty assembly, Pisces wields significant power and influence.  In January, Pisces people-pleasing tendencies butt-up against your own need for self-reflection.  What you really crave is deeper connections, but what you’re immersed in this month is buzzy fleeting interactions.  Make the most of your time with your most important person.  Keep secrets.

AriesARIES 2

Happy New Year Aries!  Take the long view.  Whatever you have simmering now will be perfectly cooked and ready to serve in about seven months.  Your ambitious plan flourishes by your commitment and self-control.  Obviously you work very hard Aries, and you’re one for recognition.  Careful you aren’t begging for attention like an orphaned dog.  Instead, concentrate on executing your vision so you can be the one giving approval instead of seeking it.  With regard to your personal life, those little lies, omissions, and deceptions will catch up to you sooner or later dirty-dealing Aries.  Consider the consequences of your actions and the ways dishonesty is eroding your relationship.  The universe will test your integrity this January.  Will you backstab to get what you want?

 TaurusTAURUS 2

New Year blessings to you Taurus!  Fresh firsts are your favorite and this new beginning has you awash in an optimistic glow.  Usually mired in the minutia, January provides an unusually expansive and beneficial perspective.  Planets align for romance and adventure.  Just whom or what do you want to do beautiful Bull?  How about arrange a super fun trip with friends to a corner of the world you have always wished to visit?  Perhaps a joint-venture with a business-minded friend sounds appealing?  Spearhead the effort and others will be swept up in your enthusiasm.  Level-headed Taurus handles practical considerations in short order, so feel free to fully fantasize.

GeminiGEMINI

Happy New Year Gemini!  While some of you squandered the last moments of 2013 acting desperate and slutty, others among you retained your dignity under the duvet as the proverbial ball dropped.  A number of planets in Capricorn influence gumby-like Gemini in a multitude of possible ways this January.  Will you tap into the power of the Sun, the insight of the Moon, the love of Venus, or the contemplation available in Mercury?  I vote you take the plunge of depth with Pluto.  In standard fashion, Gemini goes all in on the latest obsession/project.  Balance never really has been your strength, has it?  Enjoy your intense focus, the delicate process, and your fruitful results.

Cancer CANCER

New Year Greetings Cancer!  Most of your energy and thought funnels toward your primary relationship in January.  There’s just no escaping the cluster in your seventh house which governs close, confidante-like relationships as well as known enemies.  Exploring a new depth of connection, you’ll find yourself engaged in longing love stares and cuddling up like kittens.  Tension arises when Cancer tries to juggle the demands of partner and family against your own need for domestic downtime.  Will you capitulate to the wishes of your sweetie or will you put your own emotional needs first?

LeoLEO

A felicitous New Year to you Leo!  In January, you become the drill sergeant in the boot camp of your own life.  Leos making health-related resolutions possess the drive, organization, and will power to commit.  Now is the time to streamline your life into a simple and healthy routine.  This includes cleaning out the clutter that is physical, mentally, and spiritually blocking your path.  If you need to rest, do so rather than pushing yourself into illness.  Don’t expect others to embrace your health and cleaning kick with the same enthusiasm.

VirgoJob Number 2009126

Welcome to 2014 Virgo!  You feel like ringing in the New Year with a bang!  Literally.  You’ve got a tingle in your pants and a desire to tell it like it is which makes you a lot of fun to be around in January.  Throw down like the old days.  Remind them there was a time you didn’t sweat the pregame.  Flirting?  Yes.  Exhibitionist behavior?  For sure.  An embarrassing dance move?  I hope so.  Perhaps a smooch or two?  Pucker up.  Just remember we are in the digital age darling.  Keep the goodies covered.  Drag others along on this run of fun as everything is better when you’re ballsdeep in friends.

LibraLIBRA 2

Warm New Year Wishes Libra!  Nested at home is where you feel most comfort in January.  Creating the perfect table full of healthful foods feels deeply satisfying.  Gathering and connecting with the women nearest and dearest to you rounds out this nourishing time.  Replenish in good company and delicious meals.  All this homespun loving is great, but it also gives you a bit too much time to think.  Should you find yourself contemplating insane resolution-style mega shifts for the New Year like a move or a baby you could very well seal your own fate.

ScorpioSCORPIO

New Year Blessings Scorpio!  In January, you will talk and others will talk about you.  Wise Scorpios have watched, listened, and learned in the past months.  Now you have something to say and nothing can stop you from spurting out your true thoughts and feelings.  These ideas could lead to something interesting – a partnership perhaps?  Open up and you could very well catch the attention of a worthy collaborator.  As always, speak your mind, but do so tactfully so that you will be heard.  Now begins a seven month path of professional growth and discovery.

SagittariusSAG

A prosperous New Year to you Sagittarius!  Finally, some revenue accrues which begins January on a productive and lucrative note.  The financial momentum only reinforces the laser focus on your priorities.  More disciplined and professionally energized than ever, your intention has finally aligned with your talent.  Now is the time to eradicate obstacles and disbelief regarding your aptitude and capabilities.  Financial security provides options.  Will it be freedom or stability?  Remember, when it comes to money, make prudent choices like slow, steady saving.  Heed this advice and by summer you’ll have a soft place to land.

December 2013 Horoscopes

SagittariusSAG EBO

Happy Birthday Sag!  After a year of achievement you are ready to roll out the newest and most improved version of yourself.  Congratulations on all you have accomplished and how far you have come this year.  Life is about to get bigger, bolder, and more interesting.  Envision a plan that will unfold over the next several months and culminate mid-summer.  Whatever purpose you set forth now, you’ll have the momentum and capability to successfully execute it.  The first week of December, professional connections prove a most important element to your success; best not to burn any bridges since you’ll need good word of mouth through the end of the summer and beyond.  After a period of social alienation, Sags fall back in with a like-minded crowd.  You are excited and engaged by the synergy of ideas this new group has to offer and are nourished by the camaraderie.  Don’t totally unhinge on the 17th when the full moon unleashes a riptide of emotions and drama.  Realize it is always in your nature to think of yourself first.  Recognize this time you are unreasonable.  When you feel yourself all worked up into a Sag tizzy, remember making amends liberates.  You are not a victim.  In fact, mostly you are the dickhead.  Admit that you have consciously or unconsciously hurt others.  When you feel the urge to recoil in self-pity, open your heart instead.

 CapricornLITE BRIGHT

Go to bed Capricorn!  December is your month to recharge and it’s vitally important to your well-being that you get some rest.  Cuddle up and complete your holiday shopping online.  Back out of parties.  Commit only to your pajamas.  Whether you heed the advice to rest or not will come into play mid-month when your health either shows the benefits of rest or the signs of neglect in illness and fatigue.  Overworked Caps tend to eat whatever is handy regardless of nutrition content and sustenance.  Realize how these mindless choices affect your productivity in the long-run.  Resist the temptation to save the day at work.  This time it isn’t your problem.  Before blowing up all your bottled frustration at a loved-one this month, first consider what you really need and then ask for it.  Nobody likes a tantrum.

 AquariusHOT WHEELS

Throw a party Aquarius!  You are feeling fun, social, and flirty this December.  Gather up your old favorites and your new friends and make merry.  Especially on December 17th, expect a magic – if you are trying to conceive this is your night.  Watch the partying though, a thoughtless inebriated comment might really end up hurting someone you care for.  As December concludes, Aquarius is ready to retire.  The energy is ripe for conflict on Christmas day, so do all you can to temper your ego in arguments.  Who cares if you are right?  Forcing your position down our throats makes you unlikable.  Find something else to do to occupy your mind like crafts with the kids, a snowball fight, or baking.

PiscesETCH A SKETCH

In these last days of the year Pisces, triumph could finally be yours after twelve months of hard-work.  December initiates a six-month period of professional advancement.  A new career opportunity or promotion buoys your confidence and alleviates financial stress to some degree.  A positive energetic atmosphere provides the space for you to come into your most authentic genuine self in December.  This month provides for chance meetings with old friends, moments of winsome nostalgia, and memory-making with family.  There are two areas of potential concern: 1) jealousy and one-upmanship in the gift-giving arena; and 2) simmering unexpressed hostility with a female relative.  Come prepared with strategies to deescalate conflict – like with your cheerful antics, or by removing yourself from the situation entirely.

AriesTROLL

Thanks goodness for you this month Aries!  You are all good cheer, generosity, and well-wishing (we need it so thank you).  Unusually talkative and expressive, Aries feels especially optimistic and enthusiastic about life in December.  As part of this adventurous spirit, travel appeals to Aries, so consider where you might like to land.  On the 9th, a harmonious energetic triangle forms which could lead to a major emotional breakthrough in your intimate relationships.  With family, loans are repaid (literally or metaphorically).  A wave of forgiveness washes out months of pent up hostility.  Tense energy around Christmas has everybody especially sensitive.  To keep the peace Aries, reign in your fiery and combative nature.  You are already naturally overly aggressive, tone it down or end up in an embarrassing and inappropriate screaming match.

Taurus

Turn in Taurus.  Hibernate this December to recharge from your hectic pace.  Stay home and don’t worry if your social demand temporarily slows, it will return in full force.  Stock your fridge (and your bong) with green leafy goodness.  Leave the alcohol and the fatty foods to the revelers.  With the new moon on the 17th, your financial sector looks strong, but your emotional restraint weak.  Taurus is susceptible to emotional outbursts – ones you usually regret – so think twice and take three deep breaths before going hard on a motherfucker.  Christmas is expected to be tense for everyone.  Ground all the crazy energy with thoughtful words and actions.  Your steady Taurus influence can really make a difference when other folks with less self-control are climbing the walls.

 GeminiFASHION PLATES

Gemini is in the mood for romance, courtship, and love during this especially relationship-minded time.  Around the 7th, you might even make a baby if you aren’t careful.  The new moon on the 17th brings both good and bad tidings.  Plans set in motion back in June now blossom into full expression.  Take credit for what you have manifested.  On the flipside, simmering tension could cause a backlash with one person in particular.  Refrain from snide commentary; just let the wave of hostility crash and recede.  Christmas will be tense for everyone, but for you this means spreading your energy too thin among too many.  All-over-the-place Gemini requires grounding.  Dig into activities that make you feel less scattered and more centered.

CancerGLO WORM

This December, Cancer is all about creating healthy alternatives to the crush of fat and sugar this holiday season.  Even though you love a tasty delight as much as the next Crab, the new moon has you motivated to make meaningful lifestyle changes.  In the midst of a four month quieting, now reevaluate and assimilate the change you’ve experienced in the preceding year.  Use this time to set the course for the coming months.  Love looks goods for most of the month, particularly the middle two weeks when you feel especially intimate and cozy.  When Christmas conflict arises, stay out of it!  Cancer’s tendency to mediate and supplicate won’t help with the tense and unreasonable factions warring.  There isn’t anything for you to offer the situation except silence.

 LeoCARE BEAR

We are all relying on you to tack up the mistletoe this year Leo.  Your fun and festive energy is exactly what we need this December.  The flirtatious bulbs you plant now will blossom into to full blown love blooms by the summer.  Thanks goodness you are around to add some desperately needed compassion to the family table this holiday season.  With almost everybody at each other’s throats, your forgiving energy is the perfect counterpoint and example.  The new moon on the 17th could bring with it a blunt tongue.  Take extra measures to soften your delivery.  An unintended sharp tone paired with another’s oversensitivity could spell social disaster.  Christmas brings out the worst in you this year and you might be jointly responsible for holiday drama if you don’t cool your worst tendencies, especially with siblings.

 VirgoSTRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE

Cuddle up at home this month Virgo.  Recharge and replenish by sleeping long nights and surfing the sofa.  Even though you would rather be at home you are thinking big.  By physically slowing down, Virgo has the time and energy to put towards solutions and expansion.  There will be evenings you need to muster your energy and your best dress for important social-professional gatherings.  Big relationship decisions – like the degree to which to merge – come forth on the 17th.  You may be tempted to go sorting through old trunks of musty emotional rubbage.  If you must.  More importantly, don’t stuff your feelings down in a stocking Virgo.  Just tell us what you need.  Resist the urge to be cunty or shut down in response to caustic Christmas energy.  Don’t blame other people for your financial stress.  You are the one who waited until the last minute and then overspent.

LibraMY LITTLE PONY

December is a wonderful time for you Libra.  It’s full of fizzy chatter and the exchange of ideas.  Buy an extra cell phone charger – you’re bound to need it.  Libra feels extra charismatic, energized, and effective.  Take advantage of your power and confidence.  Go for what you want at work.  The 17th brings on a travel itch.  Get to planning your dream trip.  Loved up Libras enjoy nesting, decorating, and cozy family time.  Beware of challenging energy that coincides with Christmas.  You contribute to the chaos by promising too much.  You simply can’t be everywhere at once.  Set up expectations and you will let people down this year; best not to commit.

 ScorpioBARBIE SCORPIO

Work is everything for you in December Scorpio as you ride the last wave of professional momentum into the New Year.  Always practical, you know you need a bulging purse to meet every upcoming obligation and you are ready to put in the hours to pay every bill and end up with a little leftover for your 2014 travel fund.  Scorpio needs to look extrasexual for that holiday party this year because you could meet someone very interesting indeed.  The second week of December commences a period of conservation for Scorpio.  Over the next nine months, you will experience an emotional purging and accompanying fits of struggle.  This is an important healing time to process grief, let go of past loves, and make amends.  Graciously provide yourself more sleep to restore.  Scorpio, you know your Christmas-time triggers, so just get a hotel room and spare us all your grouching.

 

November 2013 Horoscopes

Scorpio

Happy Birthday Scorpio!  This is your year for reinvention and it all begins with the solar eclipse and new moon combo on November 3rd.  A surge of energy ignites the power of transformation.  Finally, you are ready to step into your full and unlimited potential, and you possess all the skills and ambition to do so.  November marks the commencement of a new life trajectory.  Your substantial gifts are the source of your abundance and your talent is worth paying for.  Professionally, the idea of a partner has always intrigued you.  A potentially worthy candidate makes you an interesting offer.  Hold off until after the retrograde concludes on the 9th before you make any decisions or commitments.  Part of the new Scorpio paradigm will be the way you view and value relationships moving forward.  Contrary to your innate nature, single Scorpios should keep it light and breezy in November.  Guard your heart and your genitals.  Group socializing is the best bet for pressure-free flirtatious fun this month.  If you do meet someone, it will be locally.  Or you may transform an existing friendship into a romantic fling.  Scorpios thirsty for a drink of matrimony should wait until the 17th to confirm whether or not this one is the oneScorpios going back and forth on whether to spawn will know for sure whether they want to change diapers after the 13th.  Knock out any last minute trips before the 7th when grounding forces combine to keep you close to home through March of 2014.

 SagittariusALISON MOSSHART SAG

Sags, the first three weeks of the month are part of your annual hibernation period literally and metaphorically.  Feeling depleted, you would rather sleep than anything else and it’s a good thing since you are a hot foggy mess of ineffectuality.  As you look towards concluding certain matters, all you can think about is finishing with your dignity intact.  Parties feel like work this month, so just skip out on hosting and decline as many invitations as possible because you won’t be any fun anyway.  As you close one chapter, the opportunity for a new start comes with Scorpio’s November 3rd new moon.  Inventory friendships and prepare to let go of those that no longer serve you.  Some friends may find the new and improved more confident Sag threatening.  Place an uncomfortable distance between you and the unsupportive in your circle.  Scour your own mental landscape for areas of anguish and do some work to resolve your feelings before your birthday arrives.  Since you are kind of a dick this month, best to just wash your sheets and go to bed.  We’ll see you for cake and candles in a few weeks.

 Capricorn

ELLIE GOULDING CAP

Technological and communication glitches plague Caps through the first week of the month.  Everything from your cell phone to your laptop could potentially go awry.  Build in some extra time for tech crisis management.  Traditionally, Caps either have to be in control of a relationship or completely detached.  Scorpio’s new moon influence on the 3rd triggers a reevaluation of your rigid and bifurcated categorizations.  Domestically Caps feel unsettled.  Is it a move?  A renovation?  A new roommate?  What will it take to pacify matters?  The answer to these questions may not be clear yet, but Caps contemplate a more satisfying home life in November.  You know you take on too much – too much responsibility for burdens that aren’t yours to bear.  Enough of that.  You can’t afford to be so generous with your energy.  Keep it for yourself.

 AquariusFEIST AQUARIUS

Aquarius has been working a slow burn career strategy and all those big plans and aspirations take shape this November.  For the first week or so of the month, concentrate on organizing, clarifying, and fact-checking.  Get everything in place, so that when the energetic fog lifts you are ready to present cogent ideas.  Aquarius isn’t great at physically withstanding the impact of stress.  Regressive forces in your health sector leave you particularly vulnerable in November.  You know how to take care of yourself with proper rest, hydration, exertion, and nourishment, so no excuses.  Avoid sugar.  Cash flow continues to be an area of concern due to your lax attitude on spending.  By the time Thanksgiving rolls around, you’ll be feeling social and may even enjoy a run in with some old friends.  Enjoy a heartfelt round of reminiscing.

 Pisces

ESTE HAIM PISCES

Pisces crave diversity and adventure in November.  This urge could manifest in a trip or just a more out-going approach to conversing with a wide range of interesting people.  Just hold out on making any travel arrangements until Mercury’s retrograde ends the 9th.  Professionally, you feel confident and enthusiastic.  The new moon in Scorpio infuses Pisces with a joojsh of energy on the 3rd.  Your impulsive nature could come in handy when making a quick decision on a big unforeseen opportunity.  Pisces remains financially precarious the first half of November.  All this other activity means love or the pursuit of love takes a secondary position in your life in November.  Fear not; your libido and powers of seduction will return when other pressing areas of your life are properly ordered.

  AriesLIZ PHAIR ARIES

Merging is November’s theme for Aries.  You closely examine your relationships both personal and professional.  When you think about joining forces with this person or group, do you feel a buzz of excitement or an energetic suck?  Old feelings about past relationships continue to creep into your psyche through the 9th.  Acknowledge what surfaces and try to learn the lesson these people were brought into your life to teach you.  Aries must reach a decision on unresolved flip-flopping issues on the 3rd or the universe will make the choice for you.  Aries just may get that proposal or solidify your desire to propose.  November forces you to balance your free time against your professional commitments and ultimate career goals.  Consider whether your own personal rigidity has created hurdles to your advancement.

 TaurusLINDA PERRY TAURUS

Taurus is ravenous for a soul mate and a true partner.  As you can’t help but look back on your past loves, perhaps with a pang of nostalgia and longing, know that this emotional back peddle won’t last forever (just through the retrograde).  Use this period of reflection to examine former relationships to better understand what you now truly desire in a mate.  Don’t get confused and think you want to get back together with an ex.  Uncoupled Bulls could find love in the most mundane of places, but that doesn’t mean the spark is ordinary.  This could be a BIG LOVE.  For partnered Bulls, a major commitment or new responsibility could change everything between you – a new house, proposal, or baby perhaps?  All you want to do this November is bundle up with your sweetie and hide away from the world in your love nest and fuck.

 Gemini

KIM DEAL GEMINI

Clean up your act Gemini, you’ve gotten sloppy!  Look down at your body.  When is the last time it broke a sweat?  See that stack of disorganized paper?  It’s calling for a file cabinet.  What about that disorganized closet?  You know you can hang things in there?  November is the time to get your shit together after a lengthy period of slack.  For you Gemini, Scorpio means support, and you’ll be looking for somebody to lean on as the new moon bears its influence on November 3rd.  Your immunity is compromised this month, so best to stay away from crowds.  If there’s a bug in the air, you will catch it.  Gemini continues to feel uprooted through the first half of the month, but those feelings will eventually subside.  Romantically, you can’t decide if you want light and easy or deep and intense.  I get that dithering is your thing Gemini, but you can’t have it both ways.  An untrustworthy friend gets in your head and clouds your judgment if you aren’t keen enough to see this person’s manipulation for its possessive roots.

 CancerLANA DEL REY CANCER

Climb outta your shell Cancer, November has all the makings for lots of super fun times.  First, you catch major, well-deserved shine personally and professionally for your recent efforts.  Second, you are super fertile this November, so just keep that in mind unless you want a bun in your oven by Thanksgiving.  A clash between work and home life forces difficult choices.  Obviously, you’d love to shirk your professional responsibility and bang, bang, bang on the door of the love shack, but you are under the watchful eye of the powers that be, so disappoint your hunny this time and do work.  The second half of the month, Cancer actually gets a chance to review and process all that has happened in the proceeding months.  Now with more objectivity, you are able to craft a meaningful narrative out of the cluttered pile of experiences.  Overindulgence becomes a problem in November unless you consciously and repeatedly limit yourself.

 LeoTORI AMOS LEO

Leo, we are all coming to your house for Thanksgiving dinner this year.  Energetically tethered to the home and hearth in November, you are ready to host a gorgeous and thoughtful feast for friends and family. Don’t overburden yourself by agreeing to host house-guests.  It won’t go well and they won’t leave, trust.  Looking at those same four walls all month has you contemplating a move or a spruce.  Leos want their homes to rise up to meet them this November.  After a positive stretch at work, Leos struggle with delegating.  As much as you would like to cast yourself as indispensable, you can’t do the job of everyone else.  Save your energy – though you will receive some gratitude for your team playing around the 17th.  Express yourself, including any lingering grief, through non-verbal creative activities like painting, playing music, or dancing.

 VirgoNEKO CASE VIRGO

Virgo brims with ideas and an obsessive desire to communicate them in November.  You will be all over town speaking publicly, small-talking, and chatting privately among the influential.  Always a productive go-getter, previously you’ve externalized your energy to help others.  A shift occurs and you start to apply some of that can-do attitude to yourself to craft the life you truly desire.  Romantically, Virgo is in the midst of a three year relationship upheaval.  You have already experienced this drama in the preceding 18 months.  For the relationship to survive, it must change.  If possible, stick close to home for the Thanksgiving holiday.  By month’s end, your only wish will be a mellow weekend in bed.  Boost your appeal with a wardrobe update.  Hit those holiday sales and freshen your stash.

 LibraCARRIE BROWNSTEIN LIBRA

You are buying dinner this month you rich bitch!  Good for you Libra, your Birkin is full of cash this November.  The flipside of this abundance is that it makes you vulnerable to theft.  Mind your things.  Review your statements.  Protect your identity.  The one thing you won’t be fighting over at home is money.  Everything else, however… well just don’t expect November to be all domestic bliss and pumpkin pie.  Tension builds in your central relationship as the demands of your family butt up against the wishes of your partner.  Where will you spend the holidays?  Disregard so-called familial obligation and put your partner first.  An intense period of closeness begins mid-month.  The sex will be good.  This could result in a baby.  Evaluate your long term career goals and consider how you would best like to balance your time and energy in support of your dreams for the future.

 

The Seven Sisters

PLEIADESHappy Halloween!  We all know the well-worn candied cultural associations of our favorite day of spook, but what do you know about the underlying Astrological meaning?  At one point in time, Halloween was the midpoint between the Equinox and the Solstice known as a cross-quarter day (this midpoint has shifted to later in November as the universe has matured).   Tradition holds that at midnight, halfway between dusk and dawn, the cluster of the Pleiades culminates in its highest and most visible place in the sky.  During this time the stars known as the Seven Sisters shine especially brightly.  With the veils between the living and dead whisper thin, Pleiades acts as a star gate which allows the souls of the recently departed to pass through to the beyond.  SEVEN SISTERS

 

October 2013 Horoscopes

LibraLIBRA

Happy Birthday Dear Libra!  This month, dynamic energy triggers instability.  The friction emerges first at work, and then it insidiously seeps into your primary relationship. The New Moon on the 4th delivers a great deal of upset.  A willingness to accommodate unforeseen demands and disappointments meaningfully aids your journey through a very unpredictable October.  I’m sure this advice gets old month after month, but really listen: make yourself happy.  Good luck making anyone else happy this month.  Get rid of what you don’t need physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Love-seekers receive reassuring attention and admiration.  Take your pick.  Committed Libras deepen the connection with your partner on the 12th.  Your theme for this coming year is strength.  Cultivate power in every corner of your life.

ScorpioSCORPIO

Scorpio clings to anger like a baby blanket and takes comfort in rage like a lullaby.  The New Moon’s October 4th arrival isn’t exactly going to help you resolve your miserability since the energy is in direct opposition to your ruling plant.  Expect to get blamed for shit at work this month unless you are extra obnoxiously specific with your directions.  Multiplying the likelihood of chaos, Mercury moving in retrograde clouds your usually laser-sharp judgment.  October isn’t all bad, Scorpio.  Look forward to reaching resolve on a long-lingering relationship thorn this month.  Mischief-lover that you are, get ready for two distinctly sexual interludes – one taking place on Halloween night.  Furthermore and randomly, October is a favorable time to adopt a pet.

Sagittarius

SAGS

Because you are desperately in need of a new look and you have been working so hard, the universe has granted you permission to splurge.  Will it be new hair?  A face treatment?  A wardrobe investment?  Go big and drastic.  Others will see you in a new way after the change – as bolder and more capable.  A New Moon enters the scene the first week of the month and makes it impossible to ignore those underlying problems you’ve been trying to deny for months.  Sags have a way of frosting even the bleakest realities with a cloying sugar coating.  Anticipate a midmonth relationship reckoning.  Typically extroverted, spend October in the pocket watching, learning, absorbing, and thinking.  Single Sags should stay that way until Mercury moves out of retrograde, but feel free to enjoy the attention your new style garners.

 CapricornCAPRICORN

Pack your bags Capricorn because travel is a major theme for you this October.  It’s a good thing too, because there will be a number of difficult situations from which you want to flee.  Domestic drama in particular has you frustrated.  You aren’t that easy to live with, so relax the knit-picking and passive aggressive behaviors.  Shelve major decisions until your judgment is clearer.  No need to rush or persist this October.  There are upsides to waiting out this energetic vortex.  Why not go balls-to-wall ridiculous with your costume this Halloween?  Your wit, creativity, and industry are bound to produce a crowd-pleasing disguise.

AquariusAQUARIUS

Apologies Aquarius, October begins with a bitchslap.  Opposing forces mean bad news surrounding a relationship.  Your partner may victimize or suffer as a victim.  Either way, expect a serious shift in your priorities when it comes to this person.  Use the term “partner” broadly here to encompass a number of meaningful associations in your life.  When faced with other’s wrong-doing obsessively seek out every morsel of information until you are convinced you know everything.  False accusations kill relationships.  Delay any major commitments in October even though Aquarius is awash in impatience.  Devise a strategy comprised of a number of small achievable steps.

PiscesPISCES

Pisces feel extra fragile this October and there are a number of responses you could take to this vulnerability.  I don’t recommend hostility.  Respond with kindness and an intention towards compromise and everything will be much easier.  Financial anxiety only adds to your fear.  Keep your pocketbook zipped.  You’ll need a cushion of money this month.  Consider broadening your career options by tapping into your rich collection of contacts and resources.  Pisces positively glows with the good favor of others beginning the second week of October.  Dial back the risk after the 18th.  Energetically, you are set up for a super fun Halloween, so put your creativity to constructive use.

AriesARIES

Aries can’t keep quiet anymore.  Whatever you need to express, you will have the strength to deliver the message clearly.  Can you deny the serious cracks in the foundation?  Will you take the time to repair or trade up?  Remember Aries, those cracks are a result of you stomping around, so unless you mellow you’ll just break everything.  Detach emotionally from the outcome, and the solution will form like granite.  It takes all damn month, but Aries finally wraps up a major deal by the 31st which has you relieved and up for employee of the month.  Just because the project is complete doesn’t mean the pace will relax.  Without missing a beat prepare to go again and even bigger.

TaurusTAURUS

Taurus feels uncharacteristically rebellious this October.  If you have the option to ease up on work responsibilities or take a personal day, this would be the time. You’ll get in trouble at work when you’re this dipped in spunkiness.  Play now if you can because next month work demands triple.  Revelations of the machinations of others surface and the selfish tone of the maneuvers leave you disappointed.  Trust that you will be shielded from the ugliness.  Taurus, remember you don’t have to tell everyone everything especially early in relationships.  You are freaking people out with your over-intimacy.  Dial it way back.

GeminiGEMINI

Now that fall has set in, so have certain realizations concerning your past mistakes.  The frivolity of summer with all its social exchange made it super easy to dodge responsibility, but all those slimy, icky, guilty feelings have come back with vengeance.  You can no longer ignore the pervasive thoughts centered on a most important relationship.  Trying to dismiss what is evident has frayed your nerves and left you spent.  Realizations aside, hold back on any confrontations or declarations.  October is a better time for planning.  November is a better time for action.  Do take time with unmanaged domestic maintenance matters before they become expensive problems.  This Halloween, instead of agreeing to drive everyone’s drunk asses around and then resenting it, why not go home and give out candy with your parents?  Wear a ridiculous costume and scare the children.

 CancerCANCER

Cancer’s theme this month is consistency in the face of adversity.  If you draw a line in the sand, honor it.  Respecting boundaries has never really been your strength, but this October it is more important than ever to stand your ground and make others move the mountain to meet you.  Incoming information the first week of the month shifts your perspective on a number of matters.  This time you cannot justify or excuse bad behavior.  Already confused, the damning intel won’t help clarify the situation.  Hide out until you know for sure.  The 12th presents a lovely opportunity for a domestic spruce.  Tackling a few home improvement projects will help assuage those anxious feelings of impatience.  Cancer can relax in knowing that work will remain relatively pleasant and calm this October.

 LeoLEO

Consider consciously backing off spending in October even though there’s a palpable temptation to go butt-crazy buying.  Your purchasing choices will not be well-reasoned this month.  October demands an intense operational tempo, but for all the work you put in you’ll see very little immediate return on your hustle.  A double whammy of energetic blockages has you feeling impotent and ineffectual.  Know that it isn’t entirely your fault and your fortune will change.  Listen to the wise counsel of others and take their advice. Your best day for love and surprises is the 16th.

VirgoVIRGO

Is there anything sexier than action?  Nope.  This month you are all do, do, do, and it is a refreshing blast of productivity compared to everyone’s slack.  Forging ahead in the midst of turbulence and resistance wears you out, so practice self-care Virgo.  Maintain a reasonable workout routine.  Continue to fill your savings account and invest wisely.  Strengthen your familial ties.  Stay far away from contracting and commitments as there is someone trying to intentionally deceive you.  Set aside major business dealings until the end of next month.  If you can escape on a trip with a friend, you must make it a priority to do so.  Virgo’s consistent hard work over the past year gives you a pass to relax for a few days.

September 2013 Horoscopes

Virgo

VIRGO BURBERRY TRENCH

Happy Birthday Virgo!  All frothy over a new project, the workhorse in you can’t wait to gallop ahead.  Rein in your enthusiastic stallion Virgo, there are a few pesky details you can’t just swat away.  Without proper planning, organization, and forethought, your big idea could get majorly deflated by embarrassing messiness.  Confusion plagues relationships this month, so now isn’t the time to commit.  Mistakes and miscommunication muddy an already tense situation.  A planetary shift around the 20th should bring clarity on a big decision, relationship, or domestic matter.  Usually so thrifty, this autumn invest in a few well-made pieces that make you feel so unbelievably amazing and lux that it justifies the pricetag.

 Libra

PIERRE HARDY LIBRA

Now is the time for intuitive daydreaming, preparation, and planning.  Think broadly and freely about what you want and where you want to go.  Others may try to inject their opinions into what is best, but sweep all that chatter up into a dustpan and pitch it.  Let the guidance come from within.  Professionally, now is the time to listen – to advice and even gossip.  It will come in handy when those rumors of professional opportunity and advancement crystallize into reality.  Inject colorful accessories into your stable of reliable wardrobe classics to reinvent yourself without spending a fortune.

Scorpio

SCORPIO 3.1 PHILLIP LIM

September finally frees Scorpios from an annoying retrograde that’s been creating lag since April.  Get out and make new friends, contacts, and professional connections.  With Mars at your back you’ll have all the energetic momentum to make things happen.  September is a wonderful time to fall in love.  Enjoy a courtship.  Attached Scorpios arrange the groundwork for a lasting lifelong commitment this September.  Insecure Scorpios fetter their obvious sex appeal for the comfort of others.  Insecurity isn’t hot for fall.  You heard it here first.  Bust out the wine-red lip and let the cards fall where they may.  Own the undeniable power of your own beauty and sexuality.

Sagittarius

SAG CHANEL

You’ve been dodging some sinister relationship undercurrents that have been eating away at the foundation of your relationship one drip at a time like a leaky pipe.  Well this September, the proverbial floor is about to fall out, and you will be ill-prepared to receive the bitchslap of bad news coming your way vis-a-vis your frustrated partner.  If it’s over, it’s over.   Optimistically speaking, a fun little rendezvous weekend getaway midmonth could be really cute.  Working Sags see a career flutter the first week of the month.  More money and a better title are not off the table.  Sags tend to choose the same silhouette and then attempt to trick the eye by introducing variations in color and pattern.  It isn’t a bad fashion strategy overall, but you can do better.  Consider whether your own rather fixed misconceptions about your body cause you to pick the same outfit over and over.

Capricorn

CAP TREACYSeptember evokes back-to-school nostalgia that gets Caps thirsty for knowledge and learning.  It may mean a trip geared towards exploration and discovery or it may take any number of shapes.  The aim is to broaden, widen, and deepen your understanding of yourself and others.  Financial demands continue through the end of September and into next month, so relax the extracurricular spending.  Two words to describe your closet: 1) utilitarian and 2) pragmatic.  There’s something to be said for military chic, but does everything have to have a cargo pocket?  Buy a raspberry beret or something similarly flashy you would never wear and then wear the fuck out of it.

Aquarius

AQUARIUS FENDI

The first third of the month is a fantastic time for a getaway where there is a legitimate possibility for romance.  That financial divot you’ve been experiencing finally turns around and a number of buoying opportunities come your way which serves as a huge relief.  If Aquarius is in need of financing, September is the time.  Aquarius experiences energetic inertia this month.  If you don’t get the outcome you want, listen to the advice and guidance of others, and withhold judgment.  Your ability to see the big picture means you usually get it right when it comes to proportion and head-to-toe first impression.  Collect a few whimsical accessories to make the impression a lasting one.

 Pisces

PISCES GARETH PUGH

Love. Love. Love Pisces.  September is the month for romance, swooning, and uniting together in a common coalition. Whether single or attached, the planets are prepared to bestow you with blessings if you are ready to receive.  Look to the 7th and the 26th as optimal date days.  Come the 19th it’s all about Pisces as the stars align to shine all over you.  The professional pace will pick up as the month rolls on.  Your creative ideas are appreciated, but you must manage the day-to-day details with the same interest.  Turn that creativity towards solving problems, no matter how mundane.  Rolling with a new upgraded look has you feeling ultra-confident.  When you dress better, you feel better, and this new-found swagger only adds to your allure.

AriesARIES JEAN PAUL GAULTIER

The first week of September ushers in a new professional project that levies demands on you all month long.  Productivity won’t be a problem and a gush of energy comes into to carry you along.  That fire you are known for stokes all kinds of interesting interactions with people throughout the month.  Keep an easy-going attitude that leaves you open to last minute opportunities.  Aries’ inherent elegance means you usually look really well put-together, and your willingness to take risks means you turn heads.  Occasionally, your enthusiasm crosses over into costume, so know when to throttle back the flair.

Taurus

TAURUS LOEWE

Summer has never really been your favorite time of year.  Bulls prefer the order and crispness of fall.  A number of social invitations come your way and you have trouble saying no, and why should you?  The interludes you enjoy this month will be some of the most delicious ever.  Even though it all feels so sweet, Taurus learns quickly that some responsibilities can’t be shirked.  Best to stay ahead of assignments and obligations, which shouldn’t too difficult for you since you aren’t particularly prone to procrastination.  Stay off those final sale liquidation websites.  Not only are you potentially stuck with clothes that don’t fit, you aren’t getting the bargain you think you are.  Quality over quantity.

Gemini

Gemini deserves a week off if that is what you need to really close out the summer with a bang.  All summer long, the house has been a mess.  Time to make it more cozy and inviting as you return back inside.  Find practical solutions that last, rather than short-term patches that only serve to temporarily fix the problem.  The first full week of the month is the most favorable for romance, even if you can’t get away for a full week try to enjoy this weekend work-free.  Direct some of that energy into fun and love.  Geminis tend to morph into whomever they are around.  Look to your right.  Look to your left.  Are you the shit filling in a shit sandwich?

Cancer

CANCER BECKHAM BIRKINS

Financially things could be tight this month due to obligation and extracurricular spending that meets up in a way that drains your resources.  Sooner or later you’ll need to take control of your finances and the sooner the better.  Schedule a date on September 26th when your love light shines brightest.  It may sound crazy to tell you to get away if you can on a little trip this September, but be forewarned that serious domestic demands will prohibit much travel over the next several months.  When you shop, you do so in sprees.  You can just buy one and that can be enough.

Leo

LEO MADGE

September surges energy into your career sector Leo.  Thankfully, all that summer toil counts for something because others have noticed your commitment and you have impressed the right people.  Now you are in the power position to ask for what you want with regard to salary.  This should significantly lessen your fiscal worries.  Keep a casual attitude in meeting people this month, but always keep one eye on the prize.  You never know who you might encounter.  Leo is never one to shy away from flashy wardrobe moments, just remember flashy is just two little consonants away from trashy ya’ll.

August 2013 Horoscopes

Leo

LEO

Happy Birthday Leo!  Another year older, but are you any wiser for the wear and tear?  For sure.  Even though Leo is blessed with a number of desirable qualities which tend to stack the deck in your favor (looks, charisma, innate likeability), this year presented a number of character-building challenges that proved you are made of more than just an attractive veneer.  Life’s low points are wonderful indicators of who truly supports you when Leo isn’t pinning the tail on the donkey.  As you well learned, some bitches are just in it for the party.  Shed limiting obligations the first week of August.  By foregoing certain responsibilities other windows of opportunities arise.  Little Lion that anxiety you’ve been feeling shall pass, but you suffer a lack of motivation and a sense of weightiness that endures for at least the next three weeks.  August is not the month for major purchases or executing contracts.  You just aren’t up for reading the fine print and are likely to get suckered at worst and confused at best.  Expect a friend or colleague to throw a little salt your way.  The comment will sting, but you’ll get over it.

 VirgoVIRGO

The first half of the month Virgo benefits from the influence of Venus with a gain in popularity and amplified affection.  That flirtatious spark you’ve been flaming within the campfire of your social circle has all the planetary momentum to set fully ablaze.  Unfortunately, Virgo suffers a major letdown by someone you trust.  This betrayal changes an important relationship.  Don’t let the untrustworthy dealings of one person lead you to deep-freeze everyone.  Office politics, which you usually negotiate deftly, cause problems, delays, and frustrating losses.  With Neptune’s influence, Virgo’s efforts at clear communication get received like smoke signals.  Don’t expect folks to understand you this month.  This August, you may not even understand yourself.  Unresolved anger continues to surface and form into solid undeniable chunks of fury.  Better clean it up because it’s becoming a tripping hazard.

LibraLIBRA

Work and travel twist into themes of upheaval this August for Libra.  A charismatic, (if somewhat shadowy) influence enters into your professional sphere and offers you everything under the Sun to relocate to a major professional opportunity.  Will you stay or will you go?  A fresh wave of optimism sweeps in the second week of August which is only further boosted by a dollop of nepotism/networking.  Libra makes connections with your easy-going nature, and these relationships prove influential.  Libra likes to keep everybody happy, but even with organized time management (which you lack this month) you won’t be able to satisfy all the demands coming your way.  Expect a heavy-handed guilting when you have to say no to certain invitations.  Fuck ‘em. Do you.

ScorpioSCORPIO

August presents Scorpio the opportunity to recast yourself in a new role.  Quite literally, this may mean a professional reinvention or more subtly a personal redefining.  This rewriting of your own narrative will require you to shed one or more self-limiting definitions you’ve clung to for comfort and acceptance.  Scorpio may find that this new trajectory involves relocation, travel, or connecting with great numbers of people via the web.  Pal up with one super supportive friend who sincerely shares your enthusiasm.  This is a good time to soak in other’s ideas and share your thoughts which will be well-received.   Expect an encounter with a ruthless asshole in some official capacity – a cop, a lawyer, someone wielding their despotic power in an annoying way.  Don’t even bother engaging in any kind of challenge, you will be treated unfairly and you will lose.  An unsatisfying relationship meets its demise before month’s end.  Exit with integrity.     

SagittariusSAGS

The theme for Sags this month is random unexpected adventure.  A last minute trip, stepping in where someone else dropped out, Sags are great at seizing moments of spontaneity.  I would advise you not to hesitate, but hesitancy has never really been your problem.  For quite some time now, Sags have been suffering from an intimacy drought in their central relationship.  Intimacy and independence make uneasy bedfellows, and right now hacking your own way through life feels more important than hacking down your partner’s walls.  Past historical messiness comes back to haunt you in August, and you have no choice but to clean it up.  Socially Sags bubble and if you admit it, you have a little crush on someone in your group.  You love to talk, but you must let others have their say.  Sags are not great listeners and this month it becomes a problem.  August is not a favorable time to purchase a property or make family investments.  Just wait.

 CapricornCAPRICORN

 Capricorns hunt for avenues of wealth, and to that end August creates a fortunate window to pursue property investment for Capricorn.  Influenced by the confusion of the retrograde, Capricorn suffered a number of misunderstandings stemming from the end of last month.  Though you hate to admit it, you are hurting from the disconnection between yourself and folks you truly care for.  August clears the way and allows Caps to initiate a mending of those relationships.  Make no mistake: it’s on you.  This month bond with a distant someone who inspires you.  The energy you two create feeds a variety of positive outlets.  Professionally, Caps must curb overreaching ambitions which lead you to behave impatiently and without strategy.  Cut out extracurricular personal spending in August.  You can’t afford it.

 AquariusAQUARIUS

The first three weeks of August are all about relationships and meaningful interaction Aquarius.  Forge new connections and strengthen existing ones.  An interesting and influential iconoclast comes your way and stirs deep inspiration. Your mutual appreciation for each other’s weirdness manifests in supreme synergy.  A needling unresolved issue finally sees its satisfactory close.  Work hard in August.  Aquariaus interested in financial reorganization should pursue options this month.  A new interest rate could be in your future.  Appreciate the broad sweeping optimism that comes with Jupiter’s influence, but maintain realistic limits or suffer fatigue and frayed nerves.  When you overdo it this month, it will show up in your body.  A specific nexus ripens conditions for an opportunist.  Remain skeptical of big promises.  Keep an eye on business advisers and side-eye shady business practices.   A chilly, awkward relationship with a co-worker begins to thaw these last days of summer.  Single Aquarius find their strongest opportunities for love long distance.  Attached Aquarius must root out the truth like a pig in truffle season.

 PiscesPISCES

 A wave of practicality shapes Pisces’ professional focus in the beginning of August.  Get shit done and cross it off the list.  Watch out for the shit-talking backstabber at work.  Dreamy as always, that creative thinking leads you to an unexpected, brilliant scheme for money-making.  Rather than just roll the idea over in your mouth, innovate!  Pursue your hunches.  Doing so is what separates the mere dreamers from the doers.  For you Pisces, power comes from long-term persistence, but commitment and thoroughness are weaknesses for you.  Avoid speculative financial ventures.  Remember to balance optimism against realism.  This is the right time to hit up the bank for credit.  Pisces exudes lovely and sexy evocative swagger all month long, and the last two weeks of the month you experience magical love and hear the mood music swelling in the background.

 AriesARIES

 August ushers in a fascinating time for your love life Aries.  If your central relationship has gone a little limp, from the 9th-12th is the time to stiffen your resolve and get assertive in the bedroom.  August is the time to seriously look at the relationship between work and your health.  Are you personally satisfied with your job?  Are you taking proper care of yourself?  Aries don’t like to admit human weakness.  You must sleep.  You must eat well.  You must move moderately.  Failure on any of these three points sets you up for a really crappy time in August.  Why not slow down a little bit and enjoy the few last drops of summer?  Beware of liars right now as Jupiter makes creates susceptibility to untruths.  August has Aries pinned down by an opponent.  Admit you’ve been bested; sulk for a day, and regroup for revenge.  Now is not the time to leverage your personal wealth for business.

TaurusTAURUS

Taurus likes to run a tight ship and this month you turn that editorial eye towards your home.  First, throw out all the clutter.  Next physically rearrange your home to make it more practical.  Consider the manner and frequency that you use things order your space from there.  Bulls love to create self-systems, just remember that complicated arrangements are difficult to live up to.  Swirling conflict settles, technical glitches resolve, and Taurus hits a diplomatic stride at work.  Fixed or evangelical thinking – yours or theirs – won’t serve you.  Steer clear.  August ain’t the month for rebellion or rule breaking; you are definitely going to get caught.  No caving to your crazy friend’s peer-pressure.  Work relations hit a diplomatic stride.  Maintain a super-realistic if not down right skeptical attitude in your love life.  Either your partner is lying or you might be lying to yourself about your partner.

Gemini

GEMINIGemini demonstrates sparkling style this month and uses ample resources to play host, entertain with delicious food, and enjoy intimate, relaxed, romantic evenings.  Tech driven Gemini shines chatting about gadgets and whatnot.  You enjoy exchanging information with other nerds and find all the novel ideas very exciting.  Over the next year, Gemini’s everyday finances remain quite stable.  In August, greed and your attempts to manipulate prove counterproductive.  Shame on you for acting against your higher values.  Beware of involvement with loose ethics in your business dealings.  The Full moon brings opportunity for dynamic change.  Fear is holding you back.  This is all about your self-perception and your interactions with others.  You’ve tried to strengthen relationships with your family, but August brings a series of lousy, unfulfilling exchanges.  Though frustrating, the discord isn’t permanent.

 CancerCANCER

In August the stars align for romance dear Cancer.  Your normal mode of sulky communication shifts into compelling and sensual conversations.  An out-of-nowhere opportunity lands at your doorstep and you must decide whether to take it without much time to weigh it over.  Go with your gut.  Over the last month, your home situation hasn’t felt quite right.  Spend time arranging your space in a way that genuinely supports you.  Crabs always prefer tidy surroundings.  Rather flexible with the truth, now is the time to communicate without exaggeration.  Cancer stresses over fiscal concerns and feels like there are never quite enough resources to meet every demand.  Spend consciously, and balance everyday costs against long term expenses.  When it comes to your income, stand up for what you deserve and what is rightfully yours.

July 2013 Horoscopes

CancerCANCER

Happy Birthday Cancer!  You are so incredibly delightful dear Crab.  When a Cancer accepts you as a friend, you will be loved and cared for as if you were family.  If a Cancer accepts you as a mate, you may expect unyielding support and devotion.  You can also expect excellent food and a well-kept home.  That’s not to say that Cancer isn’t difficult.  The sanctity of Cancer’s home comes first, and when domesticity destabilizes, our little Crab becomes quite unglued.  We’ve all learned that basic needs pyramid at some point in our miserable lives, and for Cancer the need for a secure home base is particularly important.  Cancers aren’t stubborn about much, but they expect to rule the roost.  After a period of visible struggle and unrest, relax and enjoy the summer by focusing on relationships.  A number of people have supported you when you needed it Cancer, and you still have some healing to do.  At work, Cancers contain the intensity of their emotional response because typically feelings aren’t acknowledged as a professional contribution.  That’s bullshit and we know it.  Some of your best creativity and problem-solving derives from your sincere and evocative emotional response to people and situations.  Trust your gut implicitly.  The next year holds much promise for you Cancer.  Accept all forms of discomfort as part of life and you will experience significantly less frustration.  I wish a very special and blessed birthday to my favorite Crab and DC supporter HillyYou shine.

LeoLEO

Uncharacteristically, this summer has presented a number of unexpected obstacles for Leo.  Usually, Little Miss Popularity doesn’t have to hustle quite so hard for acceptance and recognition.  In some ways you feel appreciated, but in many you feel invisible, and that just isn’t going to fly for the Queen of the Jungle.  It is as if you are riding the bumper car ride at the State Fair.  Leo keeps trying to steer out of the chaos, but certain aggressors just won’t let you casually hangout in the corner.  Even though you see the line of tooth-picking trash waiting impatiently for their turn to have fun with whiplash, the carny just won’t call time on your sesh.  What is a Lioness to do?  Play dirty bitch.  How many times are you going to get rammed from behind before you wake up and ram a bitch back?  Too chicken-shit to kick ass?  There is no room in the Zodiac for a cowardly Lion.  Stop waiting from someone else to blow the whistle on your torment.

VirgoVIRGO

In many ways, Virgo has never experienced the type of professional fulfillment that you feel right now.  However, a number of key relationships have taken a beating due to your hyper-focus.  Paradoxically, your single-minded devotion is the source of much of your success and failure.  Now is the time to decide who you are and what you want.  Rather than waiting for others to make decisions that have serious consequences for your life, you choose your path.  Virgo experiences legitimate anxiety over letting go.  What you are grasping for keeps slipping right through your fingers.  Rather than manically clutching, why not just let it fall?  Then you can cup your hands and see what you catch.  In order to feel satisfied with the reality of your life Virgo, you need to shift your expectations.  Not everything can be on your terms.

Libra

Oh Libra, where would we be without your peaceful touch?  I know two Libras that recently became mothers (blessings to Sam and D), and I think about how lucky their little girls are to have such even-tempered women to lead them through life.  Constantly accommodating for balance – lean a little here, give a little there - Libras recalibrate for the greater good.  Libras make it look effortless, but we all know it’s not easy and this high-wire act must be exhausting.  Much of your ability to glide by on the strand of a spiderweb comes from your inherent grace.  However, there are times when that lubricating Libran charm isn’t enough to smooth over the roughness.  July demands Libras cultivate a wider range of skills for navigating conflict.  Think of it this way: would you let your daughter (inner or actual) put up with any shit?  Then you shouldn’t either.

ScorpioSCORPIO

Scorpios have enjoyed an unexpected, yet deserved wave of good fortune.  Financially, a number of strategic and well-reasoned decisions have begun to pay off.  The difference between you and others is your ability to calculate risk and execute big decisions with far-reaching consequences.  Scorpios possess elephantine nutsacks.  Before your dick gets all engorged with ego, remember the ancient Chinese proverb, “The quacking duck gets shot.”  Keep quiet; because you already understand success puts a target on your back.  That’s why you keep a stinger back there.  Your all-or-nothing relationship mentality creates imbalance.  Thriving Scorpios guard their independence, keep space for themselves first, and fiercely protect it regardless of external demands.  You are fully capable of doing it on your own.

SagittariusSAG

One of your best attributes Sagittarius is your ability to overcome.  You don’t give yourself enough credit for your ability to survive the lows and create your own triumphs.  Take a moment to acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments.  This exercise in self-admiration should take place safely within the confines of your own head.  Everyone appreciates your enthusiasm, but remember if you are always telling people how great you are it leaves them very little room to compliment you.  We don’t need to hear how much money you made on the deal.  Shut up and buy a round of drinks instead.  You’ve been steeped in championing as of late, put on your skirt and pom-poms and cheer for someone else for a change.

CapricornCAP

Capricorns are the tyrannical dictators of their own lives.  Some of you are like your own abusive spouse constantly beating yourself down.  Other Caps are like the world’s wife beater constantly taking their own bullshit out on the unsuspecting.  Which one are you?  Let July be the month you cut everyone a break and send that inner critic on vacation.  Don’t bother booking a return ticket for that dick either.  In its place, have an affair with spontaneity.  Court compassion this summer.  Barbeque your angst over an open fire.  Even though Caps are smart, efficient, and good company, aesthetics usually take a backseat to more practical considerations.  Look at your clothes, do they fit?  Do you even own a full length mirror?  Time to buy one and take a good long look in it.

AquariusAQUARIUS

July serves up a number of competing interests which never quite reconcile.  Prepare to take a side.  Aquarius must remain detail-oriented in July to avoid making stupid and obvious mistakes that compromise that sterling reputation.  Even though it’s summer, this isn’t a good time for partying and frivolity.  Focus energy on what’s required of you and execute your best effort.  A week before the end of the month Aquarius finds resolution on important issues which have existed as lingering question marks in the recent past.  Spend leisure time chiseling that body to perfection.  Eat well.  Sleep well.  Move well.  Keep with this motto this month and you will meet your goals.  Lastly, listen closely Aquarius: true love could be yours within the first half of the month.  Open your heart.

PiscesPISCES

A triangulation of planetary power forms to create a fertile, ripe, and rich energetic foundation from which your ideas can flourish.  The benefit of momentum and luck favors Pisces, so now is the time to cease the future-thinking and make it happen without further delay.  Apply that Piscean creativity to move forward with a well-considered plan that minimizes risk.  Ask for what you want.  For the next year welcome, love, romance, and seduction into your life and enjoy all the benefits that come from a fully functional and supportive relationship.  Single Fishies flirt and make visible ripples in the waters with their swagger.  Expect some envious sharks to try and take a bite at your style.  In July, the cosmos is in your corner if your intention is to grow your relationships and realize your dreams.

AriesSONY DSC

Aries needs to get realistic about some personal areas of dishonesty this July.  While you’ve been drowning yourself in work, responsibilities, and obligations, something funky has been fermenting at home and I don’t just mean in your fridge (which you should really clean out by the way).  Get more involved in the domestic sphere this month.  Spruce up your place and make sure it rises up to meet you.  Let’s have a come to Jesus conversation about finances.  Even though you think you are rolling in dough, have you adequately planned for the future?  Get a grip on the spending.  Shore up the leaks and secure your loot for an added sense of security.  The weekend of the 20th looks promising for both a family visit and a possible real estate acquisition.  This presents a nice opportunity to squeeze both tits with one hand.

TaurusTAURUS

Taurus vacillates between an intense desire to travel and an intense fear of overspending this July.  Don’t worry so much about the expenses of enjoying an adventure, your bank account will see replenishment of funds before month’s end.  All that attentiveness to strengthening your performance at work totally pays off.  Brace yourself for some major advancement news and some public shine as well.  Soon you will have your choice of plum assignments.  Family relationships experience strain due to your overwrought emotional reactions.  Let go of needing everyone to understand your point of view and aim for mutual respect instead.  Your best bet for romance is on that trip we discussed; local love looks unfavorable.

GeminiGEMINI

July proves profitable for industrious Geminis who demand their due.  A good word from a friend situates Gemini perfectly for a golden opportunity.  Planetary energy creates some lag in advancement this month, but there is no use in struggling against what can’t be changed.  Better to reroute that energy into information gathering and preparing to manage your incoming wealth.  You’ve wasted quite a bit of time dithering around, but your operational tempo is about to exponentially increase.  Make sure your basic needs are met – your home and health are in order – because soon you will have no time to think about either.  Geminis find little time for romance this month after a string of questionable dalliances.  With this amount of change afoot, better to let matters settle before you start up anything serious.

June 2013 Horoscopes

GeminiGEMINI

Happy Birthday Gemini!  Blow out your candles and make a wish for real.  This month the stars and planets align to materialize your deepest dreams.  Positive, mutable, and masculine, Geminis master their universe with their remarkable mind.  At your best, Gemini is brilliant, fun, and useful.  At your worst, Gemini dithers, is emotionally distant, and often scattered.  This birthday month Geminis will be especially attractive to the opposite sex.  Unattached Geminis, this is your month for a dalliance.  For those in love, June ignites a rekindling.  Consider compatibility and then choose wisely among your options.  Geminis get very nervous very easily.  What structure and practices have you in place to help calm down when over-agitated?  It’s especially essential for you Gemini, to deal with your unexpressed emotions and anxiety in a constructive manner.  Work requires teamwork this month and certain interactions have you bristling.  Take notice when you delight in seizing opportunities to hurt people.  You can be damn sure they do.  Even though Geminis scheme, it often backfires.  That’s because for the most part you are good-natured and wish others well.  However when hurt, Gemini can be a petty, passive-aggressive, and intentionally hateful.  That’s you at your smallest.  Geminis shine this month creatively.  Look forward to working with others to build on an ongoing project.  June’s demands could run you down, so take care of your body or you’ll feel it.

CancerCANCER

Cancer, I’m happy to inform you that run of hardship is over and this month brings with it a windfall of fortunate opportunities.  Circumstances and chemistry begin to gel, and all that you’ve been hoping for with regard to your relationship comes together in a logical way so you can move forward together.   Seal the deal with a little trip.  Make a moment in June all about romance and growing the trust and history of your relationship.  Professionally, decide now what you want with a clear head.  An unexpected array of options will unfold before you in the coming weeks and you will be woozy by the flood choices.  A focused idea of what you truly desire will make the decision-making hangover a little less intense.  This June, much of your luck boils down to appearing at the right place at the right time.  You know what Oprah says, “Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.”  Prepare and the universe will supply opportunities aplenty.

LeoLEO

A rising tide of career momentum culminates in a fiery burst of success this June for Leo.  Once you start to catch some of that career shine, you can relax and enjoy a little fun.  Would it kill you to put an umbrella in it?  To that end, I gently encourage you to drop that extra weight and show off your best body this summer.  Leos feel best when lean and strong.  Embrace spontaneity and accept invitations from acquaintances that could lead to some interesting introductions.  If you are planning to change up the home front with renovations or a move, do it now for the most painless transition.  Leos should consider the next several months a preparation period for bigger and better things to come.  Organize your physical space.  Set up a course to achieve clear goals.  Any relationship, habit, or obligation which does not service your new direction needs to go.  Leos value family, and a special nexus of energy makes this the perfect time to rely on their advice.

VirgoVIRGO

Big changes come your way this June and shift everything for VirgoVirgos love to plan, but some events just can’t be predicted.  Prepare to permanently change emotionally by what goes down this month.  There will be times you doubt yourself, but remember that you are resilient and capable of surviving and even thriving under a number of difficult circumstances.  Virgos, this won’t be an occasion where you can ignore what is plainly before you.  Professional obligations will just have to wait this month.  June brings some enchanting folks into the mix that energize that once-vibrant social spirit.  Virgos can be the most fun when you aren’t bogged down in over-analysis, nerves, or downright fatigue.  Virgos trying to make it happen in the bedroom may want to consider a trip.  A change of scene will help free your inhibitions and bitterness.  You will return refreshed and a brand new Virgo.

LibraLIBRA

Get the fuck out of town this month Libra.  The stars support an adventure, so if you have the time and resources go big.  Maybe a special someone wants to go, and if not take someone else special like a free-spirited friend or your Mom.  Or why not go it alone?  What you learn from this trip could have long rippling positive influence on many different sectors of your future.  Cut a bitch to make it happen.  Libra shines at work which triggers a heavy emphasis on career, a pattern that will remain over the next several months.  Libra prefers an ordered home.  Displeased by your current domestic situation which causes unnecessary background stress, clean, move, renovate – whatever you need to do to make it right and make it tight, do it now.  Next month, when you are ballsdeep in work demands, you will be glad your home feels like a comforting hideaway instead of a hoarder’s den.

ScorpioSCORPIO

Get your shit together Scorpio because at the end of this month you set off for a full year of unbelievable adventure.  You’ve been chipping away at responsibilities, but this month your larger scheme takes root and the possibilities of financial payoff become a reality.  Scorpio plans and strategizes, but has difficulty initiating action.  Challenge your fixed nature.  Send momentum in a given direction and see what comes of it.  You won’t know until you try.  Towards the end of the month some retrograde activity could bring an unexpected bump in the road.  Strong intellect and judgment, paired with planetary support, stabilize you financially (and otherwise) through the mini-crisis.  Lately, Scorpio has physically experienced a personal renaissance.  This renewed confidence and swagger has admirers staring longingly at you from behind.  That’s just because you have a gorgeous ass.  Just put down the chocolate and stay on the yoga mat to make sure it stays that way.

SagittariusSAG

Sagittarius has been longing for emotional and financial stability that has been so elusive up until this point.  What you learn Sag, is that your level of commitment corresponds to your sense of belonging.  Only now do you feel ready to commit.  June opens up the possibility both romantically and professionally depending upon where you would like to focus.  Your personal cheerleader has been working behind the scenes to clear the way for your advancement.  Be sure to acknowledge those that got you there, especially when you start enjoying those lucrative rewards for your talent.  Super-sensitive to a fault, check yourself and ask whether it is your own diva-like behavior that is causing conflict.  Why do you need everyone to agree with you?  Sags overreactions come from a deep festering insecurity.  Temper your expectations against your own self-righteous and hostile behavior.  In the end, you’ll discover it’s a wash.

CapricornCAPRICORN

Many Capricorns visit love like an animal at the zoo.  They keep themselves safely partitioned on the spectator side of the plexi.  After months of fermentation, June makes or breaks you and your prospect.  Accelerate the process by taking a trip together.  The confined space and challenges of travel will dictate whether the two of you can stand each other for the long haul.  Spend time training this month, Caps get magnified results from physical activity.  Work remains busy, but lighthearted and fun this June.  There is a strong sense of camaraderie permeating the workplace.  Much credit goes to your leadership in developing a congenial atmosphere.  No stranger to therapy, this month discover a professional that is a perfect fit for you.  Now begins a new path of healing.

AquariusAQUARIUS

Power, action, and luck are on your side this month when it comes to romance Aquarius.  Whether it is jumpstarting a sluggish love or igniting a new one, June provides all the energetic support you need to get properly laid.  A relationship that begins now will stick.  Take a trip to someplace cute and invite lust along for the ride.  Even if it is just a nearby weekend jaunt on the cheap, take a twirl with a dance partner you would normally decline.  You never know.  Dedicate a good portion of your time away to lazily loafing and catching up on sleep.  Professionally, the first three weeks of June will be your most productive in months, so ideally plan your trip for the last week.  You deserve a little fun and a little fuck Aquarius.

PiscesPISCES

Family obligations soak up Pisces’s energy this month, and you dutifully rise to the occasion.  Unfortunately, this places some rather urgent matters on the back burner while you selflessly tend to the needs of others.  The weekend of the 23rd looks most promising for confidence and success.  Plan accordingly.  Friends float in and out this month providing gentle support and a friendly face when Pisces needs a soft place to land.  Particularly irresistible this month, Pisces have their choice of all the fishies in the sea.  You do some of the best courting around.  Those Pisces sowing relationship seeds will see a growth spurt of lusty passion that renews your unwavering commitment.  No matter what, the life of Pisces looks good this month and even more fortuitous in the coming months.

AriesARIES

The adventure bug bites Aries in the ass this month and it has you entertaining all kinds of crazy and far-fetched ideas.  How about a cross-global move?  Why not a last minute trip?  Maybe a proposal?  Your enthusiasm is well-appreciated Aries, but June isn’t ideal for signing binding agreements.  Aries just ain’t thinking straight.  You won’t do much damage as long as you don’t make any permanent decisions.  Pressure from colleagues to make a decision may come mid-month.  See what you can do to extend the conversation until next month when your mental clouds will have parted.  In the event that stalling tactics can’t delay the matter, push aside all the chatter and trust your research and your gut.  As far as romance goes, get to hunting.

TaurusTAURUS

Taurus, you work so hard that the summer could just pass you by if you aren’t careful.  It would be a shame to waste the numerous serendipitous opportunities for romantic connections which abound in the warm weather.  Why waste that banging body at the office?  Would it kill you to show your arms?  Get a little more naked than you usually would this season.  Remember if the bitches are talking shit, that just means you look good.  The work momentum is solid and financially it makes sense to buckle down.  Plus, June serves up extracurricular cash activities that get your purse all hard and throbbing.  The planets have some mischief in store for you this month, so to the extent possible, brace yourself for a visit from Miss Calamity Jane.  The best way to get out alive is to focus on your ability to clearly communicate.  Stay out of and away from that which isn’t your business and isn’t for you to control.