Category Archives: HOROSCOPE

October 2013 Horoscopes

LibraLIBRA

Happy Birthday Dear Libra!  This month, dynamic energy triggers instability.  The friction emerges first at work, and then it insidiously seeps into your primary relationship. The New Moon on the 4th delivers a great deal of upset.  A willingness to accommodate unforeseen demands and disappointments meaningfully aids your journey through a very unpredictable October.  I’m sure this advice gets old month after month, but really listen: make yourself happy.  Good luck making anyone else happy this month.  Get rid of what you don’t need physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Love-seekers receive reassuring attention and admiration.  Take your pick.  Committed Libras deepen the connection with your partner on the 12th.  Your theme for this coming year is strength.  Cultivate power in every corner of your life.

ScorpioSCORPIO

Scorpio clings to anger like a baby blanket and takes comfort in rage like a lullaby.  The New Moon’s October 4th arrival isn’t exactly going to help you resolve your miserability since the energy is in direct opposition to your ruling plant.  Expect to get blamed for shit at work this month unless you are extra obnoxiously specific with your directions.  Multiplying the likelihood of chaos, Mercury moving in retrograde clouds your usually laser-sharp judgment.  October isn’t all bad, Scorpio.  Look forward to reaching resolve on a long-lingering relationship thorn this month.  Mischief-lover that you are, get ready for two distinctly sexual interludes – one taking place on Halloween night.  Furthermore and randomly, October is a favorable time to adopt a pet.

Sagittarius

SAGS

Because you are desperately in need of a new look and you have been working so hard, the universe has granted you permission to splurge.  Will it be new hair?  A face treatment?  A wardrobe investment?  Go big and drastic.  Others will see you in a new way after the change – as bolder and more capable.  A New Moon enters the scene the first week of the month and makes it impossible to ignore those underlying problems you’ve been trying to deny for months.  Sags have a way of frosting even the bleakest realities with a cloying sugar coating.  Anticipate a midmonth relationship reckoning.  Typically extroverted, spend October in the pocket watching, learning, absorbing, and thinking.  Single Sags should stay that way until Mercury moves out of retrograde, but feel free to enjoy the attention your new style garners.

 CapricornCAPRICORN

Pack your bags Capricorn because travel is a major theme for you this October.  It’s a good thing too, because there will be a number of difficult situations from which you want to flee.  Domestic drama in particular has you frustrated.  You aren’t that easy to live with, so relax the knit-picking and passive aggressive behaviors.  Shelve major decisions until your judgment is clearer.  No need to rush or persist this October.  There are upsides to waiting out this energetic vortex.  Why not go balls-to-wall ridiculous with your costume this Halloween?  Your wit, creativity, and industry are bound to produce a crowd-pleasing disguise.

AquariusAQUARIUS

Apologies Aquarius, October begins with a bitchslap.  Opposing forces mean bad news surrounding a relationship.  Your partner may victimize or suffer as a victim.  Either way, expect a serious shift in your priorities when it comes to this person.  Use the term “partner” broadly here to encompass a number of meaningful associations in your life.  When faced with other’s wrong-doing obsessively seek out every morsel of information until you are convinced you know everything.  False accusations kill relationships.  Delay any major commitments in October even though Aquarius is awash in impatience.  Devise a strategy comprised of a number of small achievable steps.

PiscesPISCES

Pisces feel extra fragile this October and there are a number of responses you could take to this vulnerability.  I don’t recommend hostility.  Respond with kindness and an intention towards compromise and everything will be much easier.  Financial anxiety only adds to your fear.  Keep your pocketbook zipped.  You’ll need a cushion of money this month.  Consider broadening your career options by tapping into your rich collection of contacts and resources.  Pisces positively glows with the good favor of others beginning the second week of October.  Dial back the risk after the 18th.  Energetically, you are set up for a super fun Halloween, so put your creativity to constructive use.

AriesARIES

Aries can’t keep quiet anymore.  Whatever you need to express, you will have the strength to deliver the message clearly.  Can you deny the serious cracks in the foundation?  Will you take the time to repair or trade up?  Remember Aries, those cracks are a result of you stomping around, so unless you mellow you’ll just break everything.  Detach emotionally from the outcome, and the solution will form like granite.  It takes all damn month, but Aries finally wraps up a major deal by the 31st which has you relieved and up for employee of the month.  Just because the project is complete doesn’t mean the pace will relax.  Without missing a beat prepare to go again and even bigger.

TaurusTAURUS

Taurus feels uncharacteristically rebellious this October.  If you have the option to ease up on work responsibilities or take a personal day, this would be the time. You’ll get in trouble at work when you’re this dipped in spunkiness.  Play now if you can because next month work demands triple.  Revelations of the machinations of others surface and the selfish tone of the maneuvers leave you disappointed.  Trust that you will be shielded from the ugliness.  Taurus, remember you don’t have to tell everyone everything especially early in relationships.  You are freaking people out with your over-intimacy.  Dial it way back.

GeminiGEMINI

Now that fall has set in, so have certain realizations concerning your past mistakes.  The frivolity of summer with all its social exchange made it super easy to dodge responsibility, but all those slimy, icky, guilty feelings have come back with vengeance.  You can no longer ignore the pervasive thoughts centered on a most important relationship.  Trying to dismiss what is evident has frayed your nerves and left you spent.  Realizations aside, hold back on any confrontations or declarations.  October is a better time for planning.  November is a better time for action.  Do take time with unmanaged domestic maintenance matters before they become expensive problems.  This Halloween, instead of agreeing to drive everyone’s drunk asses around and then resenting it, why not go home and give out candy with your parents?  Wear a ridiculous costume and scare the children.

 CancerCANCER

Cancer’s theme this month is consistency in the face of adversity.  If you draw a line in the sand, honor it.  Respecting boundaries has never really been your strength, but this October it is more important than ever to stand your ground and make others move the mountain to meet you.  Incoming information the first week of the month shifts your perspective on a number of matters.  This time you cannot justify or excuse bad behavior.  Already confused, the damning intel won’t help clarify the situation.  Hide out until you know for sure.  The 12th presents a lovely opportunity for a domestic spruce.  Tackling a few home improvement projects will help assuage those anxious feelings of impatience.  Cancer can relax in knowing that work will remain relatively pleasant and calm this October.

 LeoLEO

Consider consciously backing off spending in October even though there’s a palpable temptation to go butt-crazy buying.  Your purchasing choices will not be well-reasoned this month.  October demands an intense operational tempo, but for all the work you put in you’ll see very little immediate return on your hustle.  A double whammy of energetic blockages has you feeling impotent and ineffectual.  Know that it isn’t entirely your fault and your fortune will change.  Listen to the wise counsel of others and take their advice. Your best day for love and surprises is the 16th.

VirgoVIRGO

Is there anything sexier than action?  Nope.  This month you are all do, do, do, and it is a refreshing blast of productivity compared to everyone’s slack.  Forging ahead in the midst of turbulence and resistance wears you out, so practice self-care Virgo.  Maintain a reasonable workout routine.  Continue to fill your savings account and invest wisely.  Strengthen your familial ties.  Stay far away from contracting and commitments as there is someone trying to intentionally deceive you.  Set aside major business dealings until the end of next month.  If you can escape on a trip with a friend, you must make it a priority to do so.  Virgo’s consistent hard work over the past year gives you a pass to relax for a few days.

September 2013 Horoscopes

Virgo

VIRGO BURBERRY TRENCH

Happy Birthday Virgo!  All frothy over a new project, the workhorse in you can’t wait to gallop ahead.  Rein in your enthusiastic stallion Virgo, there are a few pesky details you can’t just swat away.  Without proper planning, organization, and forethought, your big idea could get majorly deflated by embarrassing messiness.  Confusion plagues relationships this month, so now isn’t the time to commit.  Mistakes and miscommunication muddy an already tense situation.  A planetary shift around the 20th should bring clarity on a big decision, relationship, or domestic matter.  Usually so thrifty, this autumn invest in a few well-made pieces that make you feel so unbelievably amazing and lux that it justifies the pricetag.

 Libra

PIERRE HARDY LIBRA

Now is the time for intuitive daydreaming, preparation, and planning.  Think broadly and freely about what you want and where you want to go.  Others may try to inject their opinions into what is best, but sweep all that chatter up into a dustpan and pitch it.  Let the guidance come from within.  Professionally, now is the time to listen – to advice and even gossip.  It will come in handy when those rumors of professional opportunity and advancement crystallize into reality.  Inject colorful accessories into your stable of reliable wardrobe classics to reinvent yourself without spending a fortune.

Scorpio

SCORPIO 3.1 PHILLIP LIM

September finally frees Scorpios from an annoying retrograde that’s been creating lag since April.  Get out and make new friends, contacts, and professional connections.  With Mars at your back you’ll have all the energetic momentum to make things happen.  September is a wonderful time to fall in love.  Enjoy a courtship.  Attached Scorpios arrange the groundwork for a lasting lifelong commitment this September.  Insecure Scorpios fetter their obvious sex appeal for the comfort of others.  Insecurity isn’t hot for fall.  You heard it here first.  Bust out the wine-red lip and let the cards fall where they may.  Own the undeniable power of your own beauty and sexuality.

Sagittarius

SAG CHANEL

You’ve been dodging some sinister relationship undercurrents that have been eating away at the foundation of your relationship one drip at a time like a leaky pipe.  Well this September, the proverbial floor is about to fall out, and you will be ill-prepared to receive the bitchslap of bad news coming your way vis-a-vis your frustrated partner.  If it’s over, it’s over.   Optimistically speaking, a fun little rendezvous weekend getaway midmonth could be really cute.  Working Sags see a career flutter the first week of the month.  More money and a better title are not off the table.  Sags tend to choose the same silhouette and then attempt to trick the eye by introducing variations in color and pattern.  It isn’t a bad fashion strategy overall, but you can do better.  Consider whether your own rather fixed misconceptions about your body cause you to pick the same outfit over and over.

Capricorn

CAP TREACYSeptember evokes back-to-school nostalgia that gets Caps thirsty for knowledge and learning.  It may mean a trip geared towards exploration and discovery or it may take any number of shapes.  The aim is to broaden, widen, and deepen your understanding of yourself and others.  Financial demands continue through the end of September and into next month, so relax the extracurricular spending.  Two words to describe your closet: 1) utilitarian and 2) pragmatic.  There’s something to be said for military chic, but does everything have to have a cargo pocket?  Buy a raspberry beret or something similarly flashy you would never wear and then wear the fuck out of it.

Aquarius

AQUARIUS FENDI

The first third of the month is a fantastic time for a getaway where there is a legitimate possibility for romance.  That financial divot you’ve been experiencing finally turns around and a number of buoying opportunities come your way which serves as a huge relief.  If Aquarius is in need of financing, September is the time.  Aquarius experiences energetic inertia this month.  If you don’t get the outcome you want, listen to the advice and guidance of others, and withhold judgment.  Your ability to see the big picture means you usually get it right when it comes to proportion and head-to-toe first impression.  Collect a few whimsical accessories to make the impression a lasting one.

 Pisces

PISCES GARETH PUGH

Love. Love. Love Pisces.  September is the month for romance, swooning, and uniting together in a common coalition. Whether single or attached, the planets are prepared to bestow you with blessings if you are ready to receive.  Look to the 7th and the 26th as optimal date days.  Come the 19th it’s all about Pisces as the stars align to shine all over you.  The professional pace will pick up as the month rolls on.  Your creative ideas are appreciated, but you must manage the day-to-day details with the same interest.  Turn that creativity towards solving problems, no matter how mundane.  Rolling with a new upgraded look has you feeling ultra-confident.  When you dress better, you feel better, and this new-found swagger only adds to your allure.

AriesARIES JEAN PAUL GAULTIER

The first week of September ushers in a new professional project that levies demands on you all month long.  Productivity won’t be a problem and a gush of energy comes into to carry you along.  That fire you are known for stokes all kinds of interesting interactions with people throughout the month.  Keep an easy-going attitude that leaves you open to last minute opportunities.  Aries’ inherent elegance means you usually look really well put-together, and your willingness to take risks means you turn heads.  Occasionally, your enthusiasm crosses over into costume, so know when to throttle back the flair.

Taurus

TAURUS LOEWE

Summer has never really been your favorite time of year.  Bulls prefer the order and crispness of fall.  A number of social invitations come your way and you have trouble saying no, and why should you?  The interludes you enjoy this month will be some of the most delicious ever.  Even though it all feels so sweet, Taurus learns quickly that some responsibilities can’t be shirked.  Best to stay ahead of assignments and obligations, which shouldn’t too difficult for you since you aren’t particularly prone to procrastination.  Stay off those final sale liquidation websites.  Not only are you potentially stuck with clothes that don’t fit, you aren’t getting the bargain you think you are.  Quality over quantity.

Gemini

Gemini deserves a week off if that is what you need to really close out the summer with a bang.  All summer long, the house has been a mess.  Time to make it more cozy and inviting as you return back inside.  Find practical solutions that last, rather than short-term patches that only serve to temporarily fix the problem.  The first full week of the month is the most favorable for romance, even if you can’t get away for a full week try to enjoy this weekend work-free.  Direct some of that energy into fun and love.  Geminis tend to morph into whomever they are around.  Look to your right.  Look to your left.  Are you the shit filling in a shit sandwich?

Cancer

CANCER BECKHAM BIRKINS

Financially things could be tight this month due to obligation and extracurricular spending that meets up in a way that drains your resources.  Sooner or later you’ll need to take control of your finances and the sooner the better.  Schedule a date on September 26th when your love light shines brightest.  It may sound crazy to tell you to get away if you can on a little trip this September, but be forewarned that serious domestic demands will prohibit much travel over the next several months.  When you shop, you do so in sprees.  You can just buy one and that can be enough.

Leo

LEO MADGE

September surges energy into your career sector Leo.  Thankfully, all that summer toil counts for something because others have noticed your commitment and you have impressed the right people.  Now you are in the power position to ask for what you want with regard to salary.  This should significantly lessen your fiscal worries.  Keep a casual attitude in meeting people this month, but always keep one eye on the prize.  You never know who you might encounter.  Leo is never one to shy away from flashy wardrobe moments, just remember flashy is just two little consonants away from trashy ya’ll.

August 2013 Horoscopes

Leo

LEO

Happy Birthday Leo!  Another year older, but are you any wiser for the wear and tear?  For sure.  Even though Leo is blessed with a number of desirable qualities which tend to stack the deck in your favor (looks, charisma, innate likeability), this year presented a number of character-building challenges that proved you are made of more than just an attractive veneer.  Life’s low points are wonderful indicators of who truly supports you when Leo isn’t pinning the tail on the donkey.  As you well learned, some bitches are just in it for the party.  Shed limiting obligations the first week of August.  By foregoing certain responsibilities other windows of opportunities arise.  Little Lion that anxiety you’ve been feeling shall pass, but you suffer a lack of motivation and a sense of weightiness that endures for at least the next three weeks.  August is not the month for major purchases or executing contracts.  You just aren’t up for reading the fine print and are likely to get suckered at worst and confused at best.  Expect a friend or colleague to throw a little salt your way.  The comment will sting, but you’ll get over it.

 VirgoVIRGO

The first half of the month Virgo benefits from the influence of Venus with a gain in popularity and amplified affection.  That flirtatious spark you’ve been flaming within the campfire of your social circle has all the planetary momentum to set fully ablaze.  Unfortunately, Virgo suffers a major letdown by someone you trust.  This betrayal changes an important relationship.  Don’t let the untrustworthy dealings of one person lead you to deep-freeze everyone.  Office politics, which you usually negotiate deftly, cause problems, delays, and frustrating losses.  With Neptune’s influence, Virgo’s efforts at clear communication get received like smoke signals.  Don’t expect folks to understand you this month.  This August, you may not even understand yourself.  Unresolved anger continues to surface and form into solid undeniable chunks of fury.  Better clean it up because it’s becoming a tripping hazard.

LibraLIBRA

Work and travel twist into themes of upheaval this August for Libra.  A charismatic, (if somewhat shadowy) influence enters into your professional sphere and offers you everything under the Sun to relocate to a major professional opportunity.  Will you stay or will you go?  A fresh wave of optimism sweeps in the second week of August which is only further boosted by a dollop of nepotism/networking.  Libra makes connections with your easy-going nature, and these relationships prove influential.  Libra likes to keep everybody happy, but even with organized time management (which you lack this month) you won’t be able to satisfy all the demands coming your way.  Expect a heavy-handed guilting when you have to say no to certain invitations.  Fuck ‘em. Do you.

ScorpioSCORPIO

August presents Scorpio the opportunity to recast yourself in a new role.  Quite literally, this may mean a professional reinvention or more subtly a personal redefining.  This rewriting of your own narrative will require you to shed one or more self-limiting definitions you’ve clung to for comfort and acceptance.  Scorpio may find that this new trajectory involves relocation, travel, or connecting with great numbers of people via the web.  Pal up with one super supportive friend who sincerely shares your enthusiasm.  This is a good time to soak in other’s ideas and share your thoughts which will be well-received.   Expect an encounter with a ruthless asshole in some official capacity – a cop, a lawyer, someone wielding their despotic power in an annoying way.  Don’t even bother engaging in any kind of challenge, you will be treated unfairly and you will lose.  An unsatisfying relationship meets its demise before month’s end.  Exit with integrity.     

SagittariusSAGS

The theme for Sags this month is random unexpected adventure.  A last minute trip, stepping in where someone else dropped out, Sags are great at seizing moments of spontaneity.  I would advise you not to hesitate, but hesitancy has never really been your problem.  For quite some time now, Sags have been suffering from an intimacy drought in their central relationship.  Intimacy and independence make uneasy bedfellows, and right now hacking your own way through life feels more important than hacking down your partner’s walls.  Past historical messiness comes back to haunt you in August, and you have no choice but to clean it up.  Socially Sags bubble and if you admit it, you have a little crush on someone in your group.  You love to talk, but you must let others have their say.  Sags are not great listeners and this month it becomes a problem.  August is not a favorable time to purchase a property or make family investments.  Just wait.

 CapricornCAPRICORN

 Capricorns hunt for avenues of wealth, and to that end August creates a fortunate window to pursue property investment for Capricorn.  Influenced by the confusion of the retrograde, Capricorn suffered a number of misunderstandings stemming from the end of last month.  Though you hate to admit it, you are hurting from the disconnection between yourself and folks you truly care for.  August clears the way and allows Caps to initiate a mending of those relationships.  Make no mistake: it’s on you.  This month bond with a distant someone who inspires you.  The energy you two create feeds a variety of positive outlets.  Professionally, Caps must curb overreaching ambitions which lead you to behave impatiently and without strategy.  Cut out extracurricular personal spending in August.  You can’t afford it.

 AquariusAQUARIUS

The first three weeks of August are all about relationships and meaningful interaction Aquarius.  Forge new connections and strengthen existing ones.  An interesting and influential iconoclast comes your way and stirs deep inspiration. Your mutual appreciation for each other’s weirdness manifests in supreme synergy.  A needling unresolved issue finally sees its satisfactory close.  Work hard in August.  Aquariaus interested in financial reorganization should pursue options this month.  A new interest rate could be in your future.  Appreciate the broad sweeping optimism that comes with Jupiter’s influence, but maintain realistic limits or suffer fatigue and frayed nerves.  When you overdo it this month, it will show up in your body.  A specific nexus ripens conditions for an opportunist.  Remain skeptical of big promises.  Keep an eye on business advisers and side-eye shady business practices.   A chilly, awkward relationship with a co-worker begins to thaw these last days of summer.  Single Aquarius find their strongest opportunities for love long distance.  Attached Aquarius must root out the truth like a pig in truffle season.

 PiscesPISCES

 A wave of practicality shapes Pisces’ professional focus in the beginning of August.  Get shit done and cross it off the list.  Watch out for the shit-talking backstabber at work.  Dreamy as always, that creative thinking leads you to an unexpected, brilliant scheme for money-making.  Rather than just roll the idea over in your mouth, innovate!  Pursue your hunches.  Doing so is what separates the mere dreamers from the doers.  For you Pisces, power comes from long-term persistence, but commitment and thoroughness are weaknesses for you.  Avoid speculative financial ventures.  Remember to balance optimism against realism.  This is the right time to hit up the bank for credit.  Pisces exudes lovely and sexy evocative swagger all month long, and the last two weeks of the month you experience magical love and hear the mood music swelling in the background.

 AriesARIES

 August ushers in a fascinating time for your love life Aries.  If your central relationship has gone a little limp, from the 9th-12th is the time to stiffen your resolve and get assertive in the bedroom.  August is the time to seriously look at the relationship between work and your health.  Are you personally satisfied with your job?  Are you taking proper care of yourself?  Aries don’t like to admit human weakness.  You must sleep.  You must eat well.  You must move moderately.  Failure on any of these three points sets you up for a really crappy time in August.  Why not slow down a little bit and enjoy the few last drops of summer?  Beware of liars right now as Jupiter makes creates susceptibility to untruths.  August has Aries pinned down by an opponent.  Admit you’ve been bested; sulk for a day, and regroup for revenge.  Now is not the time to leverage your personal wealth for business.

TaurusTAURUS

Taurus likes to run a tight ship and this month you turn that editorial eye towards your home.  First, throw out all the clutter.  Next physically rearrange your home to make it more practical.  Consider the manner and frequency that you use things order your space from there.  Bulls love to create self-systems, just remember that complicated arrangements are difficult to live up to.  Swirling conflict settles, technical glitches resolve, and Taurus hits a diplomatic stride at work.  Fixed or evangelical thinking – yours or theirs – won’t serve you.  Steer clear.  August ain’t the month for rebellion or rule breaking; you are definitely going to get caught.  No caving to your crazy friend’s peer-pressure.  Work relations hit a diplomatic stride.  Maintain a super-realistic if not down right skeptical attitude in your love life.  Either your partner is lying or you might be lying to yourself about your partner.

Gemini

GEMINIGemini demonstrates sparkling style this month and uses ample resources to play host, entertain with delicious food, and enjoy intimate, relaxed, romantic evenings.  Tech driven Gemini shines chatting about gadgets and whatnot.  You enjoy exchanging information with other nerds and find all the novel ideas very exciting.  Over the next year, Gemini’s everyday finances remain quite stable.  In August, greed and your attempts to manipulate prove counterproductive.  Shame on you for acting against your higher values.  Beware of involvement with loose ethics in your business dealings.  The Full moon brings opportunity for dynamic change.  Fear is holding you back.  This is all about your self-perception and your interactions with others.  You’ve tried to strengthen relationships with your family, but August brings a series of lousy, unfulfilling exchanges.  Though frustrating, the discord isn’t permanent.

 CancerCANCER

In August the stars align for romance dear Cancer.  Your normal mode of sulky communication shifts into compelling and sensual conversations.  An out-of-nowhere opportunity lands at your doorstep and you must decide whether to take it without much time to weigh it over.  Go with your gut.  Over the last month, your home situation hasn’t felt quite right.  Spend time arranging your space in a way that genuinely supports you.  Crabs always prefer tidy surroundings.  Rather flexible with the truth, now is the time to communicate without exaggeration.  Cancer stresses over fiscal concerns and feels like there are never quite enough resources to meet every demand.  Spend consciously, and balance everyday costs against long term expenses.  When it comes to your income, stand up for what you deserve and what is rightfully yours.

July 2013 Horoscopes

CancerCANCER

Happy Birthday Cancer!  You are so incredibly delightful dear Crab.  When a Cancer accepts you as a friend, you will be loved and cared for as if you were family.  If a Cancer accepts you as a mate, you may expect unyielding support and devotion.  You can also expect excellent food and a well-kept home.  That’s not to say that Cancer isn’t difficult.  The sanctity of Cancer’s home comes first, and when domesticity destabilizes, our little Crab becomes quite unglued.  We’ve all learned that basic needs pyramid at some point in our miserable lives, and for Cancer the need for a secure home base is particularly important.  Cancers aren’t stubborn about much, but they expect to rule the roost.  After a period of visible struggle and unrest, relax and enjoy the summer by focusing on relationships.  A number of people have supported you when you needed it Cancer, and you still have some healing to do.  At work, Cancers contain the intensity of their emotional response because typically feelings aren’t acknowledged as a professional contribution.  That’s bullshit and we know it.  Some of your best creativity and problem-solving derives from your sincere and evocative emotional response to people and situations.  Trust your gut implicitly.  The next year holds much promise for you Cancer.  Accept all forms of discomfort as part of life and you will experience significantly less frustration.  I wish a very special and blessed birthday to my favorite Crab and DC supporter HillyYou shine.

LeoLEO

Uncharacteristically, this summer has presented a number of unexpected obstacles for Leo.  Usually, Little Miss Popularity doesn’t have to hustle quite so hard for acceptance and recognition.  In some ways you feel appreciated, but in many you feel invisible, and that just isn’t going to fly for the Queen of the Jungle.  It is as if you are riding the bumper car ride at the State Fair.  Leo keeps trying to steer out of the chaos, but certain aggressors just won’t let you casually hangout in the corner.  Even though you see the line of tooth-picking trash waiting impatiently for their turn to have fun with whiplash, the carny just won’t call time on your sesh.  What is a Lioness to do?  Play dirty bitch.  How many times are you going to get rammed from behind before you wake up and ram a bitch back?  Too chicken-shit to kick ass?  There is no room in the Zodiac for a cowardly Lion.  Stop waiting from someone else to blow the whistle on your torment.

VirgoVIRGO

In many ways, Virgo has never experienced the type of professional fulfillment that you feel right now.  However, a number of key relationships have taken a beating due to your hyper-focus.  Paradoxically, your single-minded devotion is the source of much of your success and failure.  Now is the time to decide who you are and what you want.  Rather than waiting for others to make decisions that have serious consequences for your life, you choose your path.  Virgo experiences legitimate anxiety over letting go.  What you are grasping for keeps slipping right through your fingers.  Rather than manically clutching, why not just let it fall?  Then you can cup your hands and see what you catch.  In order to feel satisfied with the reality of your life Virgo, you need to shift your expectations.  Not everything can be on your terms.

Libra

Oh Libra, where would we be without your peaceful touch?  I know two Libras that recently became mothers (blessings to Sam and D), and I think about how lucky their little girls are to have such even-tempered women to lead them through life.  Constantly accommodating for balance – lean a little here, give a little there - Libras recalibrate for the greater good.  Libras make it look effortless, but we all know it’s not easy and this high-wire act must be exhausting.  Much of your ability to glide by on the strand of a spiderweb comes from your inherent grace.  However, there are times when that lubricating Libran charm isn’t enough to smooth over the roughness.  July demands Libras cultivate a wider range of skills for navigating conflict.  Think of it this way: would you let your daughter (inner or actual) put up with any shit?  Then you shouldn’t either.

ScorpioSCORPIO

Scorpios have enjoyed an unexpected, yet deserved wave of good fortune.  Financially, a number of strategic and well-reasoned decisions have begun to pay off.  The difference between you and others is your ability to calculate risk and execute big decisions with far-reaching consequences.  Scorpios possess elephantine nutsacks.  Before your dick gets all engorged with ego, remember the ancient Chinese proverb, “The quacking duck gets shot.”  Keep quiet; because you already understand success puts a target on your back.  That’s why you keep a stinger back there.  Your all-or-nothing relationship mentality creates imbalance.  Thriving Scorpios guard their independence, keep space for themselves first, and fiercely protect it regardless of external demands.  You are fully capable of doing it on your own.

SagittariusSAG

One of your best attributes Sagittarius is your ability to overcome.  You don’t give yourself enough credit for your ability to survive the lows and create your own triumphs.  Take a moment to acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments.  This exercise in self-admiration should take place safely within the confines of your own head.  Everyone appreciates your enthusiasm, but remember if you are always telling people how great you are it leaves them very little room to compliment you.  We don’t need to hear how much money you made on the deal.  Shut up and buy a round of drinks instead.  You’ve been steeped in championing as of late, put on your skirt and pom-poms and cheer for someone else for a change.

CapricornCAP

Capricorns are the tyrannical dictators of their own lives.  Some of you are like your own abusive spouse constantly beating yourself down.  Other Caps are like the world’s wife beater constantly taking their own bullshit out on the unsuspecting.  Which one are you?  Let July be the month you cut everyone a break and send that inner critic on vacation.  Don’t bother booking a return ticket for that dick either.  In its place, have an affair with spontaneity.  Court compassion this summer.  Barbeque your angst over an open fire.  Even though Caps are smart, efficient, and good company, aesthetics usually take a backseat to more practical considerations.  Look at your clothes, do they fit?  Do you even own a full length mirror?  Time to buy one and take a good long look in it.

AquariusAQUARIUS

July serves up a number of competing interests which never quite reconcile.  Prepare to take a side.  Aquarius must remain detail-oriented in July to avoid making stupid and obvious mistakes that compromise that sterling reputation.  Even though it’s summer, this isn’t a good time for partying and frivolity.  Focus energy on what’s required of you and execute your best effort.  A week before the end of the month Aquarius finds resolution on important issues which have existed as lingering question marks in the recent past.  Spend leisure time chiseling that body to perfection.  Eat well.  Sleep well.  Move well.  Keep with this motto this month and you will meet your goals.  Lastly, listen closely Aquarius: true love could be yours within the first half of the month.  Open your heart.

PiscesPISCES

A triangulation of planetary power forms to create a fertile, ripe, and rich energetic foundation from which your ideas can flourish.  The benefit of momentum and luck favors Pisces, so now is the time to cease the future-thinking and make it happen without further delay.  Apply that Piscean creativity to move forward with a well-considered plan that minimizes risk.  Ask for what you want.  For the next year welcome, love, romance, and seduction into your life and enjoy all the benefits that come from a fully functional and supportive relationship.  Single Fishies flirt and make visible ripples in the waters with their swagger.  Expect some envious sharks to try and take a bite at your style.  In July, the cosmos is in your corner if your intention is to grow your relationships and realize your dreams.

AriesSONY DSC

Aries needs to get realistic about some personal areas of dishonesty this July.  While you’ve been drowning yourself in work, responsibilities, and obligations, something funky has been fermenting at home and I don’t just mean in your fridge (which you should really clean out by the way).  Get more involved in the domestic sphere this month.  Spruce up your place and make sure it rises up to meet you.  Let’s have a come to Jesus conversation about finances.  Even though you think you are rolling in dough, have you adequately planned for the future?  Get a grip on the spending.  Shore up the leaks and secure your loot for an added sense of security.  The weekend of the 20th looks promising for both a family visit and a possible real estate acquisition.  This presents a nice opportunity to squeeze both tits with one hand.

TaurusTAURUS

Taurus vacillates between an intense desire to travel and an intense fear of overspending this July.  Don’t worry so much about the expenses of enjoying an adventure, your bank account will see replenishment of funds before month’s end.  All that attentiveness to strengthening your performance at work totally pays off.  Brace yourself for some major advancement news and some public shine as well.  Soon you will have your choice of plum assignments.  Family relationships experience strain due to your overwrought emotional reactions.  Let go of needing everyone to understand your point of view and aim for mutual respect instead.  Your best bet for romance is on that trip we discussed; local love looks unfavorable.

GeminiGEMINI

July proves profitable for industrious Geminis who demand their due.  A good word from a friend situates Gemini perfectly for a golden opportunity.  Planetary energy creates some lag in advancement this month, but there is no use in struggling against what can’t be changed.  Better to reroute that energy into information gathering and preparing to manage your incoming wealth.  You’ve wasted quite a bit of time dithering around, but your operational tempo is about to exponentially increase.  Make sure your basic needs are met – your home and health are in order – because soon you will have no time to think about either.  Geminis find little time for romance this month after a string of questionable dalliances.  With this amount of change afoot, better to let matters settle before you start up anything serious.

June 2013 Horoscopes

GeminiGEMINI

Happy Birthday Gemini!  Blow out your candles and make a wish for real.  This month the stars and planets align to materialize your deepest dreams.  Positive, mutable, and masculine, Geminis master their universe with their remarkable mind.  At your best, Gemini is brilliant, fun, and useful.  At your worst, Gemini dithers, is emotionally distant, and often scattered.  This birthday month Geminis will be especially attractive to the opposite sex.  Unattached Geminis, this is your month for a dalliance.  For those in love, June ignites a rekindling.  Consider compatibility and then choose wisely among your options.  Geminis get very nervous very easily.  What structure and practices have you in place to help calm down when over-agitated?  It’s especially essential for you Gemini, to deal with your unexpressed emotions and anxiety in a constructive manner.  Work requires teamwork this month and certain interactions have you bristling.  Take notice when you delight in seizing opportunities to hurt people.  You can be damn sure they do.  Even though Geminis scheme, it often backfires.  That’s because for the most part you are good-natured and wish others well.  However when hurt, Gemini can be a petty, passive-aggressive, and intentionally hateful.  That’s you at your smallest.  Geminis shine this month creatively.  Look forward to working with others to build on an ongoing project.  June’s demands could run you down, so take care of your body or you’ll feel it.

CancerCANCER

Cancer, I’m happy to inform you that run of hardship is over and this month brings with it a windfall of fortunate opportunities.  Circumstances and chemistry begin to gel, and all that you’ve been hoping for with regard to your relationship comes together in a logical way so you can move forward together.   Seal the deal with a little trip.  Make a moment in June all about romance and growing the trust and history of your relationship.  Professionally, decide now what you want with a clear head.  An unexpected array of options will unfold before you in the coming weeks and you will be woozy by the flood choices.  A focused idea of what you truly desire will make the decision-making hangover a little less intense.  This June, much of your luck boils down to appearing at the right place at the right time.  You know what Oprah says, “Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.”  Prepare and the universe will supply opportunities aplenty.

LeoLEO

A rising tide of career momentum culminates in a fiery burst of success this June for Leo.  Once you start to catch some of that career shine, you can relax and enjoy a little fun.  Would it kill you to put an umbrella in it?  To that end, I gently encourage you to drop that extra weight and show off your best body this summer.  Leos feel best when lean and strong.  Embrace spontaneity and accept invitations from acquaintances that could lead to some interesting introductions.  If you are planning to change up the home front with renovations or a move, do it now for the most painless transition.  Leos should consider the next several months a preparation period for bigger and better things to come.  Organize your physical space.  Set up a course to achieve clear goals.  Any relationship, habit, or obligation which does not service your new direction needs to go.  Leos value family, and a special nexus of energy makes this the perfect time to rely on their advice.

VirgoVIRGO

Big changes come your way this June and shift everything for VirgoVirgos love to plan, but some events just can’t be predicted.  Prepare to permanently change emotionally by what goes down this month.  There will be times you doubt yourself, but remember that you are resilient and capable of surviving and even thriving under a number of difficult circumstances.  Virgos, this won’t be an occasion where you can ignore what is plainly before you.  Professional obligations will just have to wait this month.  June brings some enchanting folks into the mix that energize that once-vibrant social spirit.  Virgos can be the most fun when you aren’t bogged down in over-analysis, nerves, or downright fatigue.  Virgos trying to make it happen in the bedroom may want to consider a trip.  A change of scene will help free your inhibitions and bitterness.  You will return refreshed and a brand new Virgo.

LibraLIBRA

Get the fuck out of town this month Libra.  The stars support an adventure, so if you have the time and resources go big.  Maybe a special someone wants to go, and if not take someone else special like a free-spirited friend or your Mom.  Or why not go it alone?  What you learn from this trip could have long rippling positive influence on many different sectors of your future.  Cut a bitch to make it happen.  Libra shines at work which triggers a heavy emphasis on career, a pattern that will remain over the next several months.  Libra prefers an ordered home.  Displeased by your current domestic situation which causes unnecessary background stress, clean, move, renovate – whatever you need to do to make it right and make it tight, do it now.  Next month, when you are ballsdeep in work demands, you will be glad your home feels like a comforting hideaway instead of a hoarder’s den.

ScorpioSCORPIO

Get your shit together Scorpio because at the end of this month you set off for a full year of unbelievable adventure.  You’ve been chipping away at responsibilities, but this month your larger scheme takes root and the possibilities of financial payoff become a reality.  Scorpio plans and strategizes, but has difficulty initiating action.  Challenge your fixed nature.  Send momentum in a given direction and see what comes of it.  You won’t know until you try.  Towards the end of the month some retrograde activity could bring an unexpected bump in the road.  Strong intellect and judgment, paired with planetary support, stabilize you financially (and otherwise) through the mini-crisis.  Lately, Scorpio has physically experienced a personal renaissance.  This renewed confidence and swagger has admirers staring longingly at you from behind.  That’s just because you have a gorgeous ass.  Just put down the chocolate and stay on the yoga mat to make sure it stays that way.

SagittariusSAG

Sagittarius has been longing for emotional and financial stability that has been so elusive up until this point.  What you learn Sag, is that your level of commitment corresponds to your sense of belonging.  Only now do you feel ready to commit.  June opens up the possibility both romantically and professionally depending upon where you would like to focus.  Your personal cheerleader has been working behind the scenes to clear the way for your advancement.  Be sure to acknowledge those that got you there, especially when you start enjoying those lucrative rewards for your talent.  Super-sensitive to a fault, check yourself and ask whether it is your own diva-like behavior that is causing conflict.  Why do you need everyone to agree with you?  Sags overreactions come from a deep festering insecurity.  Temper your expectations against your own self-righteous and hostile behavior.  In the end, you’ll discover it’s a wash.

CapricornCAPRICORN

Many Capricorns visit love like an animal at the zoo.  They keep themselves safely partitioned on the spectator side of the plexi.  After months of fermentation, June makes or breaks you and your prospect.  Accelerate the process by taking a trip together.  The confined space and challenges of travel will dictate whether the two of you can stand each other for the long haul.  Spend time training this month, Caps get magnified results from physical activity.  Work remains busy, but lighthearted and fun this June.  There is a strong sense of camaraderie permeating the workplace.  Much credit goes to your leadership in developing a congenial atmosphere.  No stranger to therapy, this month discover a professional that is a perfect fit for you.  Now begins a new path of healing.

AquariusAQUARIUS

Power, action, and luck are on your side this month when it comes to romance Aquarius.  Whether it is jumpstarting a sluggish love or igniting a new one, June provides all the energetic support you need to get properly laid.  A relationship that begins now will stick.  Take a trip to someplace cute and invite lust along for the ride.  Even if it is just a nearby weekend jaunt on the cheap, take a twirl with a dance partner you would normally decline.  You never know.  Dedicate a good portion of your time away to lazily loafing and catching up on sleep.  Professionally, the first three weeks of June will be your most productive in months, so ideally plan your trip for the last week.  You deserve a little fun and a little fuck Aquarius.

PiscesPISCES

Family obligations soak up Pisces’s energy this month, and you dutifully rise to the occasion.  Unfortunately, this places some rather urgent matters on the back burner while you selflessly tend to the needs of others.  The weekend of the 23rd looks most promising for confidence and success.  Plan accordingly.  Friends float in and out this month providing gentle support and a friendly face when Pisces needs a soft place to land.  Particularly irresistible this month, Pisces have their choice of all the fishies in the sea.  You do some of the best courting around.  Those Pisces sowing relationship seeds will see a growth spurt of lusty passion that renews your unwavering commitment.  No matter what, the life of Pisces looks good this month and even more fortuitous in the coming months.

AriesARIES

The adventure bug bites Aries in the ass this month and it has you entertaining all kinds of crazy and far-fetched ideas.  How about a cross-global move?  Why not a last minute trip?  Maybe a proposal?  Your enthusiasm is well-appreciated Aries, but June isn’t ideal for signing binding agreements.  Aries just ain’t thinking straight.  You won’t do much damage as long as you don’t make any permanent decisions.  Pressure from colleagues to make a decision may come mid-month.  See what you can do to extend the conversation until next month when your mental clouds will have parted.  In the event that stalling tactics can’t delay the matter, push aside all the chatter and trust your research and your gut.  As far as romance goes, get to hunting.

TaurusTAURUS

Taurus, you work so hard that the summer could just pass you by if you aren’t careful.  It would be a shame to waste the numerous serendipitous opportunities for romantic connections which abound in the warm weather.  Why waste that banging body at the office?  Would it kill you to show your arms?  Get a little more naked than you usually would this season.  Remember if the bitches are talking shit, that just means you look good.  The work momentum is solid and financially it makes sense to buckle down.  Plus, June serves up extracurricular cash activities that get your purse all hard and throbbing.  The planets have some mischief in store for you this month, so to the extent possible, brace yourself for a visit from Miss Calamity Jane.  The best way to get out alive is to focus on your ability to clearly communicate.  Stay out of and away from that which isn’t your business and isn’t for you to control.

April 2013 Horoscopes

Aries

Happy Birthday Aries!  You little dirty bitch!  You’ve been up to no good and causing drama in all four corners.  Your reactive emotions fuel this behavior.  Aries tend to externalize which means you are always looking outside for sources of glory, security, joy and gloom.  It also means that those around Aries feel every ping of their energetic pong.  It’s more exhausting than that unrelenting table tennis fuck scene in Girls this season.  Aries generously offer wit, spark, and fun to the mix.  Don’t just skip past the word fun like its three little letters of meaninglessness.  Instead, consider how many people you know that are actually really good fun?  Remarkably few.  That’s why we appreciate you Aries.  Save the yelling, stomping, and fit throwing energy for more productive endeavors this April.  Let’s be honest: you’ve fallen a bit behind in some areas and need to quickly come correct.

Taurus

When the Bull makes up its mind there is no budging her no matter how insane and illogical her position.  Sometimes, Taurus wears this fixedness like a Girl Scout badge sewn arrogantly across the heart.  In other moments of great introspection, the Bull sees the folly in taking such unyielding stances.  Narrow, inflexible thinking limits you.  The sooner you learn that stubbornness is not a reliable power source, the better.  The corresponding positive trait to your stubborn nature is that you have grit and strength like no one else.  When you decide to do, you do.  When you commit, you are sincerely committed.  This tenacity basically guarantees you success if you can stay out of your own damn way.

 Gemini

Gemini takes April by the balls and executes on a number of important projects.  Geminis get a little muddled in their own dithering.  The theme for this year is clarity, power, and control.  Decide what you truly want without external influences.  Gather the resources to move forward.  Guide the process with a specific goal in mind.  How much time did you waste last month on activities that propelled you nowhere?  Exactly.  Now is the time to really examine yourself at the most basic and mundane levels, Gemini.  As a highly intelligent and skilled person, many ask for your help.  Remember you control the gauge on the generosity meter.  Give when it feels right, not out of a misguided sense of obligation.

 Cancer

The idiom “she has her heart in the right place” must have first been spoken about a Cancer.  Certainly, intention matters when you are navigating the world.  Just remember that other old saying – the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Accountability has never been your strength Crab.  Rather than deal with the consequences of your decisions, you’d rather hole up in your shell and hope the cloudy days and bill collectors pass.  To quote Heathers, “get crucial.”  None of this shit is going away.  One particularly interesting and frustrating thing about you Cancer is that once you decide to change, you do so rather easily.  Use this adaptability to move past some of your most childish and selfish behaviors.

Leo

Lately Leo has ladled up bowlfuls of excuses for bad behavior.  Little Lion is such a busy bee: too taxed for friends, too overstretched to lend an extra hand at work, too exhausted for family dinner.  We get it Leo.  You are much in demand.  Keep on keeping on with the one-sided relationships and you’ll see the demands on your time greatly diminish because no one will want to hang out with you anymore.  This April, concentrate on small gestures that demonstrate that you care about others.  Open doors.  Take the time and courtesy to smile.  Use please and thank you gratuitously.  Your kindness will have ripple effects.  Beyond mundane acts of common courtesy, reach out to that friend that obviously needs you, but that you keep blowing off.

 Virgo

Big change has ruptured the Virgo routine and it’s thrown your world and relationships into a chaotic tailspin.  Denial continues to plague Virgo’s advancement.  Acceptance is the first step, hunny.  Acknowledge the great success you have made in certain areas.  The respect you’ve earned and deserve is truly remarkable and rare.  Accepting your great strengths as part of a total package, it is only fair to consider your shortcomings too.  Virgos have a slow burn rager of a temper.  Adversaries who stoke that fire should prepare for a thrashing.  Virgos won’t hesitate to tell you how much you suck when you fail to meet their typically unreachable standards.  Instead of getting so angry, just get out.

 Libra

Always accommodating, Libra’s relationship idealism often clouds their common sense and better judgment.  Everyone you know isn’t going to move to the same block, line their yards with picket fences, and live happily ever after.  That’s not real life.  Rather than trying to cultivate this false Truman Show ideal, overcome your fear of disharmony.  Conflict and disappointments are realistic counterpoints to the greatest joys of life.  To live fully, Libras must embrace the full spectrum of relationship interactions, including discord.  Less prone to clutter than filth, dust bunnies do not constitute an Easter celebration.  You feel me?

 Scorpio

Unusually scattered Scorpios have been living a-maybe-this-maybe-that existence recently.  This out-of-character approach has you feeling flush with choices and the stress that accompanies multiple opportunities.  So what the fuck do you want to do Scorpio?  Rarely one to take the easy choice just because it’s easy, many won’t understand the reasoning behind your future course of action.  It won’t matter what anyone thinks if you are actually capable of executing on your grand plans.  Let the critics motivate your success.  Expect major breakthrough moments during this year of physical and emotional transit.

 Sagittarius

When Sags get into something, they really immerse themselves in a subject.  You love to learn every nuance and detail until you qualify as an expert in your area of interest.  Mastery fascinates you.  Sags learn with a child-like innocence that makes them excellent and dedicated pupils.  With all this energy directed towards your goals and intention, what time is left for your nearest and dearest?  Remember, other people have shit going on too.  We all enjoy celebrating your successes and joys, but avoid becoming a one-note Nancy.  Make sure your friends and family feel the same intensity of affection.  Meet others’ celebratory moments with the same enthusiasm you expect when sharing yours.

 Capricorn

Nerves.  Let’s talk about your nerves Cap.  You gotta lot of nerve, as demonstrated by your rather audacious and reckless choices.  Lately, all your nervous energy has wrecked your progress with a potential conquest.  At work, your nerves are frayed and your bitchy attitude is getting on everyone’s nerves.  Spend April soothing yourself and calming the fuck down.  Messy skin, dull eyes, clenched jaw, and the constant fidgeting are all evidence of your tightly wound personality.  You are serving us a clenched-ass Cameron from Ferris Bueller and it’s not a good look.  Relax.  Puff a doob.  Sip a scotch.  Enjoy an orgasm.  Meditate.  Find a way to relax.

Aquarius

Aquarius has undergone a period of self-flagellation recently which may have manifested in weight-loss, sleeplessness, and love lost.  Whatever it takes to make it back home, get there.  Now is the time to stabilize, center, and secure.  Get your bearings by surrounding yourself with people who really know you and want only the best for you.  April leaves Aquarius vulnerable to users, manipulators, and liars.  Guard your heart and secrets carefully this month.  Spend time alone walking in nature or playing with pets.  At least the animals won’t betray you.

 Pisces

Pretty Pisces articulates needs clearly this month.  Fishes feel deeply.  This spring, they are ready to reveal their honest sentiments without barriers of insecurity.  A new confidence and swagger comes with a clear understanding of what and who you want.  Just be careful what you wish for little dove.  Pisces tend to extend and then retract themselves, never really exposing true vulnerability.  What if you extended yourself with no expectation in return?  By adapting this courageous approach, you will profoundly evolve.  Pain is an inextricable part of life.  The Piscean tendency to recoil from discomfort explains why they often seek comfort in drugs, sex, or food to destructive ends.

March 2013 Horoscopes

Pisces

Happy Birthday Little Fishies!  Truth be told, I have a soft spot for Pisces.  They truly are the kindest and tender-heartedest folks, but I do like to joke that if Pisces are fish then their subspecies is Self-fish.  Don’t fret little Fishies, I mean that in a loving way.  It isn’t that you aren’t generous; you are very giving, but also very self-involved.  Pisces just aren’t capable of personal objectivity, but it isn’t a deep character flaw and you make up for it in many other ways.  Pisces are super charming, fun to be around and usually decent in bed (don’t expect them to choke you out or anything though).  This year has all the makings for wonderful growth opportunities if you wildly abandon your drippy fears.  Grab opportunities when they come, but maintain your integrity at all costs.  Without your honor, you have nothing.

Aries

Aries, one of your best traits is your dependability and general talent for making shit happen.  A true energetic catalyst, you draw people near and then get them all buzzed up.  This Aries flame gets some people all hot and bothered, so watch out for relationship interlopers.  If you are single, watch out for the HPV – contrary to the Girls propaganda not All Adventurous Women Do…  What else?  March asks you to dig deep and make some decisions about work.  What do you really want and what are you willing to sacrifice with regard to your quality of life?  Time is your most precious gift; use it wisely.

 Taurus

With the wake of February’s crazy upheaval behind you, now you must put one foot in front of the other and make decisions to right the course.  Determine what you really want from your life and relationships.  Vigorously pursue the very best for yourself because you deserve thorough satisfaction.  Talented and trusted, professionally Taurus has no where to go but up, up, up.  Those threatened by your success turn an evil eye on your back.  Repel the negativity with a shield of confidence.  Even though you are deeply sensitive, don’t let ‘em get you down.  Stand strong in the face of evil.

 Gemini

Intellectually Gemini surpasses most, but they can be some of the dumbest motherfuckers when it comes to common sense.  Focus.  When you are scattered you are at your least effective.  Ruthlessly clear obstructions blocking your path.  Gemini excels with a plan and plenty of time.  The question is whether you are able to truly formulate a plan of your own volition and with your own dreams in mind.  Let go of the coattails of those you’ve been clutching and move forward on crafting the life you truly desire.  If you want to be admired, turn yourself into someone admirable.

 Cancer

Recently Cancer has experienced some of the calmest waters in recent memory.  Professionally, you’ve made critical gains.  Personally, Cancer experiences greater and more intense intimacy than ever before.  So what is missing little Crab?  When completing your moral inventory do you get paper cuts?  You can’t go back and change the past, but you can stop recapitulating the same mistakes while recreating the same situations.  Look at what is going well in your life right now and properly nourish these areas.  Distractions are landmines for Cancer; remain committed to the beneficial.

 Leo

Bold Leos occasionally write checks their asses can’t cash, and this March they find themselves overdrafted.  Friends and family react with impatience at the pickles you get yourself into in March, Leo.  Hopefully, you’ve banked some goodwill because you are going to need it.  Let me spell it out for you: Leos need help this month.  What all this drama reveals is an unexpected confidant.  You’ll grow closer to a person you weren’t even sure you liked and that will surprise you.  Whether or not this person has romantic inclinations is yet to be determined, but you certainly have some sway in intensifying or deflating the potential suitor’s feelings.

Virgo

Mostly Tauruses wear the stubborn crown in the astrological court, but you could really threaten to dethrone Bulls this month Virgo.  For some reason you refuse to accept certain realities of your situation.  A change is in order and you must abide the universe and what it has in store for you.  No amount of digging in of the heels will prevent the inevitable.  Resistance is futile.  Virgo has been looking better than ever lately.  Goes to show your commitment to certain regimes provide legitimate results.  This month invest in a good moisturizer and perhaps even splurge on a facial if time and finances permit.

 Libra

In some ways February felt like the longest month for Libra, and you welcome March with open arms.  Don’t worry, this month will embrace Libra with affection in return.  Simple pleasures like long walks bring deep satisfaction as you peek towards an early spring.  These easy afternoons and honest conversations begin to stir Libras from their winter funk.  While flipping through fashion magazines you contemplate a new look for spring.  You always do well with black & white in modern shapes, but how can you add some unexpected sex appeal to your daily swagger?

Scorpio

Oh Scorpio what are we going to do with you?  Some may perceive your recent course of action as impulsive, but you never act rashly.  Quite the opposite actually, Scorpios ruminate on decisions at length before setting forth with a decisive and definite plan.  Get on board or get out of the way.  Conduct yourself with integrity and kindness regardless of how momentarily impatient or hostile you may feel.  When you look back at your greatest regrets, you’ll note they almost universally involve your mistreatment of others, especially those you love.  Remember Karma is only a bitch if you are.

 Sagittarius

Sags always try to paint everything with a pretty pink rosy brush.  One Sag I know just told me a long story culminating in a dead dog and she still tried to tie it up with a positive bow.  It’s a dead dog, lady.  There really isn’t an upside.  After a period of aimlessness, Sags find clear and unequivocal direction in the coming months.  Just because you follow the map doesn’t mean it will lead you to your destination.  Ballsy Sags explore detours to get where they really want to go.  There will be a few moments that test your honor and dignity.  These tests you must not fail.

 Capricorn

Dutiful Capricorns feel particularly put-upon and resentful recently.  The hang-dog looks have been dimming your shine and bringing down your daily circle.  Expressions of gratitude help reverse your sad-Sally attitude.  Maybe when you realize how good appreciation feels you’ll send some to the deserving.  Caps excel at sweet and attentive gestures.  It is the grander proclamations of love that choke you up.  Clear your throat Cap.  Nut up and make your intentions clear.  You know what you want, that’s never been the problem.  Effectuating your desires is a different story.  Get out of your own way Capricorn.

Aquarius

Aquarius floats in and out of March like a feather.  Mostly you spend the next few weeks in a period of preparation, setting everything up to properly execute on future plans.  Richly talented and great at navigating the nuances of your professional world, there is really no excuse for you not to succeed.  Two possibilities?  Aquarius isn’t punctual and occasionally lacks gravitas.  Consider if one or both of these qualities limits your growth.  A cleanse could do you good right about now.  Abstain from food and alcohol for a day and see what good comes of it.

February 2013 Horoscope

Aquarius

Happy Birthday Aquarius!  If life were dessert, you’d be the fluffy, foamy, creamy topping.  You are truly an effervescent joy, so much so that the more cynical among us sometimes read your jubilance as disingenuous.  Depending on how you wield your charisma that reading may or may not be true.  Getting to know you can be difficult Aquarius.  Actually, sometimes just getting you to sit still long enough to have a meaningful conversation is challenging.  Aquarius likes to maintain a wide social circle and has a knack for bringing folks together, albeit, somewhat indiscriminately.  In contrast, many Aquariuses (Aquarii?) also maintain a hermit-like private life.  A flourishing spiritual life is important, and many admire your commitment, but what about LOVE?  Light up in the thrill of flirt, and if you by any chance feel a spark, fan the flame.

 Pisces

Pisces rather selective nature often means they go months without taking a lover, but when they do, watch the fuck out because it is like a thirsty man found water.  Slightly self-obsessed navel gazers, Pisces spend a significant amount of time contemplating their own process and feelings.  Close friends of Pisces know that sometimes little fishes act like life is only happening to them.  Pull your head above water and inventory your nearest and dearest.  Don’t turn every proximate drama or trauma into your own.  Pisces possess a compassionate and forgiving nature; apply these qualities in your dealings with others this month.  Your personal integrity is admired by many.

 Aries

To others, Aries seem really moody and irrational for no apparent reason.  Of course the reason is apparent to you.  When you hit your limit with other people’s inconsiderate actions you aren’t afraid to let them know.  Since the world is full of rude and hateful people, from your point of view you are doing community service by informing them of their annoying behavior.  How noble.  Channel work stress into rough sex.  The bedroom is appropriate place for Aries to aggress this month. Think more heart-felt than extravagant this Valentine’s Day, and don’t forget your Mom.  Small gestures of loving generosity pay dividends in surprising ways.

 Taurus

Taurus envisions things a certain way, and when the illusion is shattered it is truly destabilizing.  The choices of some of your most trusted mentors have come to influence your thinking in certain matters.  Where are you willing to compromise?  More importantly, where are you not willing to compromise?  Life is too fleeting to waste time on the unworthy.  For you Taurus, this is especially true.  Over the next few months, there are consistent and significant demands on your time.  Typically very responsible, there will be some days in February where you just want to blow off your responsibilities.  You can get away with playing hooky once, so choose wisely.

 Gemini

Over the next three months Gemini will experience some serious upheaval that will inevitably throw your rigid world into relative chaos.  Emotionally, this will be a challenging time.  Rely on your intelligence to make wise and thoughtful decisions.  Whatever comes of change, you will adapt, grow, and more importantly thrive.  Spend more time organizing than procrastinating.  Just choose an item of clutter and put it away or get rid of it.  Rinse.  Repeat.  It’s not that deep.  Never one for big romantic gestures, ask yourself what it means when you pass up those small opportunities to show you care.

 Cancer

February should prove especially enchanting for Cancers.  Romance, delicious food and general wooing is coming your way, so brace yourself to swoon.  They say at any given time a person juggles at least five worries.  You shoulder your share of troubles, but lately those concerns have taken a less prominent role in your thinking.  All of your hard work really benefits the bank account which allows you to pay off your debts if you choose to responsibly allocate your resources.  This is an opportunity to break a pattern.  Stay active; it will keep not only your body in shape, but quiet your mind as well.

 Leo

Oh lovely Leo, mundane repairs and maintenance dominate over the first three weeks of the month.  This is a fantastic month for collaboration both professionally and privately.  Professionally, others view you as a contributor and team player.  Your ideas are valued even if you find the perspectives of teammates ludicrous.  Listen carefully to the wise opinions of those you trust. Personally, you begin to realize that your current situation is hindering your progress in general.  When it comes to love Leo, a little strategy wouldn’t hurt.  You are a Lion, so go stalk your prey.  Nothing feels as good as being desired, so express yours.

Virgo

That hectic pace has finally caught up with you dear Virgo and whether you want to or not life has forced you to slow your roll.  Professionally, you’ve proved yourself, but at what expense?  Look at your calendar.  Is there a blank day?  Virgos tend to overschedule.  Virgos need blank days.  We all need blank days.  Towards the end of the month Virgos brim with creative and practical solutions.  February forces conversations about living situations, especially the balance of indoor outdoor space.  These considerations cause you to go back over your past which leads to some interesting personal revelations.

 Libra

After a rather lengthy gray period, February opens up some opportunities for fun, perhaps even including animals or children.  It’s been awhile since Libra enjoyed frivolous, silly fun and activities you enjoy.  Libras gain a renewed sense of confidence with a full dance card, and you come on like a tropical breeze this February.  A little levity lightens your mood and this leads to closer intimacy between you and your partner.  Already prone to nostalgia, February has you contemplating the family legacy.  Libras especially value family and therefore make the perfect candidates for creating tributes to parents.

 Scorpio

Just when you think you know a Scorpio, they totally surprise you – sometimes with their sweetness and sometimes with their stinger.  Profoundly manipulative, there are few lengths Scorpios won’t go to get what they want, especially when motivated by revenge or spite.  When Cartman tells Scott Tenorman, “I made you eat your parents,” Scorpios not only relate to the sentiment, they champion it.  If revenge is a dish best served cold, Scorpios invented the recipe.  What many Scorpios forget is that they are not exempt from the balancing forces of the universe.  What goes around comes around.  So if you are going to serve up a plate of parents, make sure you are prepared to eat yours.

 Sagittarius

Wow Sags what an amazing month!  Sincerest congratulations on all you’ve accomplished.  Sags put a lot of pressure on themselves to be the consummate everything.  You get really worked up and set personal expectations unreasonably high.  Now is the time to set the temptation of future-thinking aside and discipline yourself to fully inhabit this moment.  Humble yourself to receive information rather than suffocating the process.  Sex is important to Sags on many levels, but this month you crave substantial physical validation.  Rather than playing coy, just level with your conquest and let them know what you need to feel fulfilled.

 Capricorn

Experience the New Year as a fresh start Capricorn.  Take stock, reevaluate, and reprioritize what is most important to setting you up for success.  After doing a personal inventory, your path will appear much more clear and obvious.  February will be a social month full of face to face communication.  Pop a mint.  Two-thirds into the month, Capricorn’s focus shifts to property and material security.  Caps expend time and resources on financing and development try to maximize profit on investments.  Gotta love a Cap always trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents.  Your hustle is one of your best qualities.

January 2013 Horoscopes

Capricorn

Happy Birthday Capricorn!  After reveling in the soft fragrances of home and the nostalgia of bygone days, it’s time to get back to what you do best – work.  Even though Capricorn is prone to procrastination due to perfectionist tendencies, above all you favor efficient execution.  Properly completing tasks becomes your dull passion the first part of the year.  Passionate for you, dull for everybody else.  Where is the fun for you Capricorn?  Can you balance your thirst for accomplishment against the need for leisure and contemplation?  Because when you relax the most officious part of your personality, you are a real crowd pleaser.  For the New Year ditch all the dreadful unworn garments in your closet and craft a fresh look from the winter sales.  Trust, a physical transformation will have unpredictable positive ripple effects.

 Aquarius

Hey Aquarius, you’ve made some rookie mistakes in the romance department lately.  It is fun to fall head over heals and totally submerge in another person, but that fragile nascent butterfly feeling doesn’t last long, so don’t go squandering it all in a greedy weekend.  Professionally, things quiet over the next six weeks, which gives you plenty of time to stew in your personal life which in some ways you perceive as a failure.  Waste no time in self-flagellation.  Focus that powerful Aquarian energy on more productive pursuits.  Consider a last minute trip to shift your perspective.  You might be surprised who you meet on the journey.

 Pisces

Pisces negotiated a demanding December with style and has a well-deserved run of steady professional recognition and personal growth to show for it.  You’ve managed to swim along with the current of luck, but that’s about to change in the first few months of the New Year.  First and foremost, spend extra time and energy caring for yourself by sleeping.  Next, for a couple months cut back on extraneous activities involving crowds.  You will have to say no to some things and should not feel guilty for doing so.  Finally, keep your space extra clean.  Heed this warning; if you catch the flu it will take your ass down like a bitchy girl at Midtown and you won’t feel right until winter’s end.  Pisces can’t afford a sick day right now.

Aries

Aries pop off loud and quick and then it’s over, but for others left in the wake of your simmering temper the experience can make a more lasting impression.  There is nothing wrong with expressing dissatisfaction, but soften the delivery.  If it isn’t major, suck it up.  The New Year presents opportunity for character-building, which is really just a euphemistic way of saying that trouble’s coming.  What you make of that trouble will define your direction for 2013.  What you lack in self-control you make up for in style.  Aries possess a certain undeniable flare that sets off jealousy in an adversary.  When you feel the withering stare of criticism challenge it by shining brighter.

Taurus

Your theme song this month is What Have You Done For Me Lately by Janet, Miss Jackson if you’re nasty.  Unlike most folks, you strive to treat people well, to honor your commitments, and to live with integrity.  When others don’t meet you where you are, you get disappointed.  Lower your expectations and insulate yourself from disappointment by protecting your interests.  Not everyone is worthy of your full attention.  With the New Year comes an itch to get organized.  Some Bulls begin 2013 with a fresh set of responsibilities.  Creating order will make the added burdens feels less heavy.

 Gemini

Happy New Year Gemini!  2013 has much in store for you.  Are you ready?  Travel, adventure, fun and romance await; get all your mundane responsibilities in order so you can really enjoy the unexpected experiences coming your way.  Very generous with time and resources, Gemini at times feels put out and overstretched.  Remember you don’t have to do everything for everybody all the time.  Watch your back; there is a schemer trying to get at what you hold most dear.  Gemini loves a free lunch – too bad you still haven’t figured out there is no such thing.  Protect your identity and financial information.  If an offer seems too good to be true, it is.

 Cancer

Cancer has experienced a series of extreme up and downs lately.  One day it’s promotions and pay raises and the next you are moving your stuff out of the Extended Stay America. You’ve done well navigating the peaks and valleys by smartly chugging away in low gear.  Circumstances beyond your control have made it difficult to plan your life past a three month time frame, but it is still important to set an intention for the upcoming year.  This focal point will provide a guide for charting the very confusing course ahead.  Cut down on eating comforting but nutritionally devoid crap.

Leo

Even though you are very charming and likable Leo, it won’t excuse bad manners or inconsiderate behavior.  Some times it isn’t about you, so suck it up and take one for the team.  Even under meager circumstances, you bring a certain charisma that adds sparkle to the dull.  Work demands increase in the coming weeks.  Careful not to get unnecessarily run down trying to impress your superiors; they are caught up in their own dramas and won’t notice.  Keep your head down and reserve your energy for when it really counts.  Plan a romantic gesture for someone deserving.  Use that Leo creativity and make an extra special effort.  The gesture will pay triple dividends.

 Virgo

You’ve undergone a fragile period lately little dove and the first three months of the year should provide some relief from the uncertainty.  At times your programmed responses come off as dismissive defense mechanisms.  What truth are you shielding by hitting auto-pilot?  Over the past several months Virgos have taken personal responsibility for their health and fitness.  The commitment has paid off with better sleep, improved fitness, and a stronger body.  Well done!  Achieving meaningful results in a world full of quitters is a major accomplishment indeed.  Eat wholly, healthfully, and simply to see even greater improvement.

 Libra

Sloppy housekeeping has left you embarrassed more than once in the last few months Libra.  Time to clean up the mess.  Start in one corner and make your way all the way around tossing trash, dusting, sweeping, and moping the floors.  Delete old contacts and head into the New Year with only the essential circle.  Libra should watch becoming overly involved in his or her significant other as you are ripe for codependency.  Keep a full life and separate friendships.  Not every activity has to be a couple moment.  Forcing the chemistry gets tiring for all involved.

 Scorpio

Scorpio likes to surprise others with unexpected gestures of generosity and your kindness over the holidays sent positive ripples far and wide.  You may not feel the goodness immediately in January, but it will come back around in the most surprising and unexpected ways early this year.  You have the capacity to deeply connect with others, but less evolved Scorpios usually squander this gift in one of two ways.  Some give of themselves too freely and then feel deep disappointment when the intensity of their affection isn’t reciprocated.  Others tighten their trusted social circle to such extremes they become reclusive and closed off.  Find a place for acquaintances; not everyone has to be your very best friend.

Sagittarius

January has so many exciting and anxiety-inducing moments for you Sag.  While you will try your damnedest to maintain a façade of perfection, there will be missteps, so take them in stride.  Approach new challenges with a beginner’s spirit.  After a few months of fun, friends, and family, now is the time to laser in on more serious pursuits.  May your look match your mission.  Evolve your winter look and tighten up the silhouette with exquisitely tailored classics.  Sags feel most confident when they look their absolute best.