Category Archives: READ

a little light reading

GOING OFF SCRIPTAfter hate-reading Frankel’s latest relationship advice book, I word-snacked on Giuliana Rancic’s Going Off Script: How I Survived a Crazy Childhood, Cancer, and Clooney’s 32 On-Screen Rejections.  I know, my literary predilections are so intellectual right now.  Due to extremely low expectations, I enjoyed Giuliana’s book more than I thought I would, especially her recounting of pulling a bitch out of class and beating her ass in the high school hallway, nearly choking out her college boyfriend, and confirming Jerry O’Connell is an epic social-climbing douche.  You can take the girl out of Naples, but not the Naples out of the girl…Now I’m thoroughly enjoying the illuminating Is Gwyneth Paltrow Wrong About Everything?: How the Famous Sell Us Elixirs of Health, Beauty & Happiness by Timothy Caulfield.  In my line of work, someone is always bragging about improving themselves with the latest cleanse, juicing, or ridiculous beauty treatment.  We’ve all fallen prey.  Caulfield debunks the efficacy of a number of diets and beauty treatments by exposing the utter lack of scientific basis behind most of the shit celebs shill.  The hyped Dr. Junger Clean Cleanse promoted by Gwyneth Paltrow is apparently total bullshit.  Facials and facial acupuncture have no merit.  Adrenal fatigue is medical fiction.  According to this book, most of what you spend your time and money on has absolutely no bearing on your health or beauty.  It is both depressing – when considering how much money and time I’ve wasted on bunk beauty bullshit, and refreshing – in knowing how much money, time, and energy I’ll save moving forward by sticking with what really works.  And what is that you ask?  There are no secrets.  It’s all stuff you’ve heard before.  Eat a diet comprised of at least 50% fruits and vegetables.  Wear sunscreen.  Sleep.  Beyond these basic time-tested truths, science suggests very little else has any impact on your beauty or health at all.GWYNETH IS WRONG

Bethenny’s dumbass relationship book

I SUCKAs you already know, Bethenny’s got a new book out called I Suck at Relationships So You Don’t Have To: 10 Rules for Not Screwing Up Your Happily Ever After.  Let me ask you this, would you trust a cookbook written by someone who can’t cook?  No?  Well  then don’t bother with this overindulgent mess of a relationship advice book.  Bethenny has no business giving advice on the topic of relationships.  She’s destroyed or failed to maintain virtually every relationship in her life – parents, friends, and lovers.  It’s not like she’s been through it and come out the other side healthy and healed.  Bethenny’s still duking it out in court with her opportunist of a soon-to-be ex-husband.  Most of the advice isn’t bad per se, it’s just self-evident and obvious.  Examples include: make your own money; listen to your gut; and don’t waste time on relationships that are going nowhere.  No shit, Skinnygirl.BETHENNY BLUEI wish she would have written on topics on which she is more qualified to pontificate.  I’d rather read How to Bust Balls and Not Give a Shit, or Enjoy Your Wealth without Longing for a Man.BETHENNY RING ON ITGet yourself an accommodating cabana boy and quit your boofuckinghooing, Frankel.FRANKEL CABANA BOY

Girl in a Band: A Memoir

KIM THURSTON COCOI’ve always admired Kim Gordon.  I’ve listened to her music.  I’ve followed her efforts at fashion.  I delighted at her family’s cameo on Gilmore Girls and her scrunchy moment on Girls.  One of my first and most memorable boyfriends loved Sonic Youth, and every time I hear Mildred Pierce I think of him.   As some of you know, Kim and Thurston recently split.  Sonic Youth is no more.  Gordon wrote a memoir, and yes, it includes some mention of the other woman, but Kim Gordon’s life is so fucking interesting and intersected with dynamic and influential people that her split with Moore represents just one sad (but matter of fact) song in the EP of her life.  I love her straight-forward and insightful writing.  You will too.  Read Girl in a Band: A MemoirKIM GORDON GIRL IN A BAND

Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less

ESSENTIALISMI’m reading a really fantastic book called Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of LessGreg McKeown has shifted my perspective and put a name to a philosophy I’ve dabbled with for years.  I was dithering over a few issues, and I’ve already used the standards and methods offered in Essentialism to make key decisions.  Much messiness results from quick yeses and slow nos.  The philosophy of Essentialism has me taught to celebrate and embrace “No,” and the book provides plenty of logical and well-backed explanations for why your life improves when you have the courage to eliminate the people-pleasing bullshit.  As I’ve started applying the principles consistently, I’ve found liberation and a drastic reduction in stress.  As your time frees up, this book recommends you sleep more to further enhance productivity.  In sum, this bestseller is full of advice you actually want to follow.CLEAR NO

I Don’t Like Andy Cohen Anymore

ANDY COHEN DIARIESThe Andy Cohen Diaries: A Deep Look at a Shallow Year may be the laziest book I’ve ever read.  Once, I kinda liked Andy Cohen the way you like your annoying gay cousin.  After drudging through an absurdly tedious 352 pages of narcissistic drivel, now I know that I imbued more credit to Cohen than he rightfully deserves (though my expectations weren’t high for this book).  Cohen meagerly attempts Warholian observation, but the total lack of insight makes his diary read like a glorified to-do list.  A better title might have been The Andy Cohen Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shallow Queen.  Cohen name drops to the point of disorientation failing to provide the reader with even a last name or crumb of context.  Half the time I’m like who the fuck are you talking about, but I never bother to dig very deeply because it’s not even like there’s a morsel of noteworthy gossip to geek out on.  Cohen adopted a dog, Wacha, and like many first-time dog owners is obsessed with his canine to the point of co-dependency.  He had me considering dog adoption for a minute, but then I talked to this lovely woman who warned me she spent $12,000 on vet bills last year for her adopted golden lab.  Poop in the house and a drain on the savings account, no thanks; I’ll keep my clean carpets and compound interest.  Back to the scathing review.  Is there a Razzie equivalent for shitty books?  If so, I nominate The Andy Cohen Diaries for worst book of the year. ANDY COHEN MOWS

read. saw. splurged

NOT THAT KIND OF GIRLObviously, I bought Lena Dunham’s book Not That Kind of Girl because I’m a voracious consumer of all of Dunham’s creative output.  It doesn’t disappoint.  Girls fans will enjoy retreading source material in what I guess you would call her first book of essays.  What I like most is her intelligent use of rarely used four letter words – example “ford the river.”GONE GIRLI sat through a matinee of Gone Girl with the AARP set today.  In case you haven’t heard, there’s Affleck and NPH peen involved.  It’s a totally serviceable adaptation; true to the novel and stylish, but the movie lacks the urgency I felt while reading the book.  At well over 2 dragging-ass hours, the movie could have benefited from an little edit to accelerate the overall pacing.  In reflecting back, the best part of the cinema experience was listening to the grayhairs chuckle at the preceding Fifty Shades of Grey trailer.LIPSHTICKDid you hear that Wendy Williams is doing another couple shows at the Venetian for their Lipshtick series?  With the exception of the Veggie House, I don’t love Las Vegas, but I do love Wendy Williams.  Snag a ticket and I’ll meet you there.  We’ll make it cute.WENDY WILLIAMS LIPSHTICK

 

Listen to the Squawking Chicken: When Mother Knows Best, What’s a Daughter To Do? A Memoir (Sort Of)

 

SQUAWKING CHICKEN LUII’ve read Laineygossip for years and I’m a big fan of Elaine Lui.  Just in time for Mother’s Day, Lainey just published her first book Listen to the Squawking Chicken: When Mother Knows Best, What’s a Daughter To Do? A Memoir (Sort Of)Lainey’s ma embodies her nickname “The Squawking Chicken” because she’s loud, annoying, bossy, and judgmental – an exaggerated version of many of our mothers.  Listen to the Squawking Chicken imparts folksy Chinese mothering wisdom through amusing and (at times) serious familial storytelling – like the time the Squawking Chicken loudly confronted a home-wrecking whore on behalf of one of her betrayed mahjong friends.  According to the Squawking Chicken leg jiggling is “low classy”?  I concur.  Also, eating the right feng shui fruit brings good fortune?  Lainey eats papayas every single day and now she’s a Canadian TV star!  That fancy fruit!  We have much to learn from The Squawking Chicken.  This book isn’t exactly what I thought it would be, but I still really enjoyed it.  As much as the memoir focuses on the retelling of The Squawking Chicken’s useful life lessons, I found the few pages Lui wrote about her husband Jacek the most moving.  Lainey’s lucky to have such a supporting, loving husband and true partner.    LUI LISTEN TO THE SQUAWKING

shame corner. I sometimes agree with Dr. Laura

DR LAURA LARRY KINGEven though (in my opinion / legal disclaimer) Dr. Laura has behaved as a bigoted hypocrite, occasionally she preaches truth.  If you’ve never listened to Dr. Laura, she’s an ultraconservative radio talk show host with a harshsauce advice delivery system.  Ask your Mom.  She’ll explain.  START LIVING

I admit it.  I agree with Dr. Laura regarding the following three points:

1)  Don’t marry a weak man. 

Weak men = mama’s boys.  Weak men = childishly obsess over internet porn.  Weak men = lie.  Nearly every show, Dr. Laura’s callers illustrate how weak men are the source of innumerable problems.  Weak men don’t get strong.10 STUPID THINGS

2) Don’t marry an addict.

Addicts only care about their addiction.

DIVORCE

3) Stay home with your kid(s) until they go to school.

Controversial, right?  Can we agree that 0-5 years old are hugely formative years for a human being?  Can we agree that children are at their most vulnerable to predators before they can speak or physically defend themselves?  I am not a parent, but if I were and could possibly afford it, I would commit five years to my child to nurture and protect the kid during this crucial developmental period.  Obviously, such a scenario is not financially feasible for every family.  Regardless of income, no one is ever going to love and protect my kid like I would with such unwavering and priceless devotion.  IN PRAISE OF STAY AT HOME MOMS

She Doesn’t Want Flowers

CAR WASHWash and gas the car.CLEAN BATHROOMClean the bathroom.MCGHEE BABYPrint and frame a photo.TORRES CHOCOLATEProcure the high-quality chocolate. MUFFINS IN BEDBreakfast in bed; blueberry muffins please.COUPLES YOGAPractice yoga together.WASH THE BEDLaunder the bedding.FUCKING HIPSTERS