Category Archives: READ

I Don’t Like Andy Cohen Anymore

ANDY COHEN DIARIESThe Andy Cohen Diaries: A Deep Look at a Shallow Year may be the laziest book I’ve ever read.  Once, I kinda liked Andy Cohen the way you like your annoying gay cousin.  After drudging through an absurdly tedious 352 pages of narcissistic drivel, now I know that I imbued more credit to Cohen than he rightfully deserves (though my expectations weren’t high for this book).  Cohen meagerly attempts Warholian observation, but the total lack of insight makes his diary read like a glorified to-do list.  A better title might have been The Andy Cohen Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shallow Queen.  Cohen name drops to the point of disorientation failing to provide the reader with even a last name or crumb of context.  Half the time I’m like who the fuck are you talking about, but I never bother to dig very deeply because it’s not even like there’s a morsel of noteworthy gossip to geek out on.  Cohen adopted a dog, Wacha, and like many first-time dog owners is obsessed with his canine to the point of co-dependency.  He had me considering dog adoption for a minute, but then I talked to this lovely woman who warned me she spent $12,000 on vet bills last year for her adopted golden lab.  Poop in the house and a drain on the savings account, no thanks; I’ll keep my clean carpets and compound interest.  Back to the scathing review.  Is there a Razzie equivalent for shitty books?  If so, I nominate The Andy Cohen Diaries for worst book of the year. ANDY COHEN MOWS

read. saw. splurged

NOT THAT KIND OF GIRLObviously, I bought Lena Dunham’s book Not That Kind of Girl because I’m a voracious consumer of all of Dunham’s creative output.  It doesn’t disappoint.  Girls fans will enjoy retreading source material in what I guess you would call her first book of essays.  What I like most is her intelligent use of rarely used four letter words – example “ford the river.”GONE GIRLI sat through a matinee of Gone Girl with the AARP set today.  In case you haven’t heard, there’s Affleck and NPH peen involved.  It’s a totally serviceable adaptation; true to the novel and stylish, but the movie lacks the urgency I felt while reading the book.  At well over 2 dragging-ass hours, the movie could have benefited from an little edit to accelerate the overall pacing.  In reflecting back, the best part of the cinema experience was listening to the grayhairs chuckle at the preceding Fifty Shades of Grey trailer.LIPSHTICKDid you hear that Wendy Williams is doing another couple shows at the Venetian for their Lipshtick series?  With the exception of the Veggie House, I don’t love Las Vegas, but I do love Wendy Williams.  Snag a ticket and I’ll meet you there.  We’ll make it cute.WENDY WILLIAMS LIPSHTICK

 

Listen to the Squawking Chicken: When Mother Knows Best, What’s a Daughter To Do? A Memoir (Sort Of)

 

SQUAWKING CHICKEN LUII’ve read Laineygossip for years and I’m a big fan of Elaine Lui.  Just in time for Mother’s Day, Lainey just published her first book Listen to the Squawking Chicken: When Mother Knows Best, What’s a Daughter To Do? A Memoir (Sort Of)Lainey’s ma embodies her nickname “The Squawking Chicken” because she’s loud, annoying, bossy, and judgmental – an exaggerated version of many of our mothers.  Listen to the Squawking Chicken imparts folksy Chinese mothering wisdom through amusing and (at times) serious familial storytelling – like the time the Squawking Chicken loudly confronted a home-wrecking whore on behalf of one of her betrayed mahjong friends.  According to the Squawking Chicken leg jiggling is “low classy”?  I concur.  Also, eating the right feng shui fruit brings good fortune?  Lainey eats papayas every single day and now she’s a Canadian TV star!  That fancy fruit!  We have much to learn from The Squawking Chicken.  This book isn’t exactly what I thought it would be, but I still really enjoyed it.  As much as the memoir focuses on the retelling of The Squawking Chicken’s useful life lessons, I found the few pages Lui wrote about her husband Jacek the most moving.  Lainey’s lucky to have such a supporting, loving husband and true partner.    LUI LISTEN TO THE SQUAWKING

shame corner. I sometimes agree with Dr. Laura

DR LAURA LARRY KINGEven though (in my opinion / legal disclaimer) Dr. Laura has behaved as a bigoted hypocrite, occasionally she preaches truth.  If you’ve never listened to Dr. Laura, she’s an ultraconservative radio talk show host with a harshsauce advice delivery system.  Ask your Mom.  She’ll explain.  START LIVING

I admit it.  I agree with Dr. Laura regarding the following three points:

1)  Don’t marry a weak man. 

Weak men = mama’s boys.  Weak men = childishly obsess over internet porn.  Weak men = lie.  Nearly every show, Dr. Laura’s callers illustrate how weak men are the source of innumerable problems.  Weak men don’t get strong.10 STUPID THINGS

2) Don’t marry an addict.

Addicts only care about their addiction.

DIVORCE

3) Stay home with your kid(s) until they go to school.

Controversial, right?  Can we agree that 0-5 years old are hugely formative years for a human being?  Can we agree that children are at their most vulnerable to predators before they can speak or physically defend themselves?  I am not a parent, but if I were and could possibly afford it, I would commit five years to my child to nurture and protect the kid during this crucial developmental period.  Obviously, such a scenario is not financially feasible for every family.  Regardless of income, no one is ever going to love and protect my kid like I would with such unwavering and priceless devotion.  IN PRAISE OF STAY AT HOME MOMS

She Doesn’t Want Flowers

CAR WASHWash and gas the car.CLEAN BATHROOMClean the bathroom.MCGHEE BABYPrint and frame a photo.TORRES CHOCOLATEProcure the high-quality chocolate. MUFFINS IN BEDBreakfast in bed; blueberry muffins please.COUPLES YOGAPractice yoga together.WASH THE BEDLaunder the bedding.FUCKING HIPSTERS

 

INC R-2 ROLLER BALL PEN

INCE R2 ROLLERBALL BLACKI was at my friend Hil’s a little while ago.  I needed a pen and she handed me this INC R-2 Roller Ball.  I began to write.  “This pen is sexual.”  I said.  “Right?!” she agreed.  There is a consensus.  INC R-2 Roller Balls are the shit.  Then she generously gave it to me.  She’s just that type of friend – a really good pen-giving friend.  Hil procures her INC R-2 Roller Balls at the dollar store.  INC R2 MULTI COLOR

i’m grateful…

PEANUTS THANKSGIVING…to spend the day with kind, welcoming, and gracious people.yoga sunset…even though I’m working today; it’s a blessing because I love my job. VEG…for access to abundant fresh foods to prepare and share.VEG TG…most of all for you!  Happy Thanksgiving! DCPOOH AND PIGLET

 

4 for Friday: From-Your-Closet Halloween Costume Ideas

Kelly LeBrock from Weird ScienceKELLY LEBROCK WEIRD SCIENCE

Necessary materials: white cut-off midriff-bearing sweatshirt, blue briefs, big hair, and major body confidence.

The Pillsbury Doughboy

PILLSBURY DOUGHBOYNecessary Materials: All white clothes, chef’s hat, and zero body confidence.

Ramona Quimby, Age 8

RAMONA QUIMBY AGE 8

Necessary Materials: sky blue ribbed turtleneck, pageboy haircut, static electricity, and a plucky attitude.

Richard Simmons

RICHARD SIMMONS FOREVERAdd two parts Kelly LeBrock (Big Hair + Body Confidence) plus one part Ramona Quimby – see Plucky Attitude, and add striped shorts, a red tank top, and white aerobics sneakers.

Sunday with Beatrix Potter

BEATRIX POTTER TIGGY WINKLEBEATRIX POTTER BUNNY MUNCHBEATRIX POTTER FROG AND FIREFLYBEATRIX POTTER NATURALISTBEATRIX POTTER ONE LEFT OUTBEATRIX POTTERBUNNIES BY THE FIRE BEATRIX POTTERBUNNIES IN THE ONION PATCHGOOSE AND FOXMOUSE MOM AND BABYTIGGY WINKLE BEATRIX POTTER