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I’ve been dogsitting my best friend’s dog Tudie Denkins this week. She is a 2 lb Maltese and the sweetest most lovable little dog you could ever meet. I’ve enjoyed having her so much. She follows me around, sits on my lap, sleeps curled up next to me in my armpit. She doesn’t really bark. She definitely never bites. She just loves and sleeps. That’s her jam, and that’s why I agreed to keep her while my friend was away. In having her in my home, I’ve realized a few other things about dog ownership. It’s unexpectedly nice to have a reason to wake up and go right outside, breathe the morning air, and take my little pal on a walk. Ditto with the night time routine and getting outside for fresh air before bed. Tudie’s such a little cutie that no one can resist her. I’ve met so many new people this week because of her adorable mug. I have to return little Tudie back to her Ma tomorrow and it will be super hard to let her go. It’s nice to have a warm little companion. I get it dog people. I get it. Woof.
Jessica Simpson wore custom Carolina Herrera. It’s such a princess-y Jessica Simpson dress. It is exactly what you’d expect her to wear. I do like the candlelight color, the snatched waist, and the how the beading catches the light. I don’t love the pattern of the beading on the skirt and the way it creates a weighty bedspread feeling to the bottom of the dress. Also in Carolina Herrera, I feel like Olivia Palermo is trying to be the hipster chick that wears Chuck Taylors to prom. Like she’s above the fuss of an actual wedding dress. She can only bother with a skirt and sweater (in the summer). I offer you begrudging props for originality paired with an eyeroll, Palermo. She looks way baked in this picture, no? Kandi fucking Burruss. Did you watch that hot fucking mess of a televised shitshow? Coming to America, for real girl? Today is just about dresses and this one makes me recall that line from Steel Magnolias, “Looks like two pigs fightin’ under a blanket.” What do you expect from a designer who delivers your dress in a bedsheet?I threw Taylor Armstrong in here for a little Real Housewives compare and contrast. She’s wearing Chagoury Couture. The dress is dated; it’s giving me a very 1997 prom sensation. Poor Naya Rivera, attempting to bride her post-Big Sean pain away in Monique Lhuillier. This dress is totally inappropriate for a Cabo wedding. Could you imagine wearing all that lace and long sleeves in Mexico in the summer? Kaley Cuoco opted for carnation pink Vera Wang. I’m all for non-white, but this gown isn’t really that special. The color borders on cloying. Carmen Marc Valvo made Katie Couric’s dress for her ceremony in the Hamptons. I know she’s nearing 60, but that has nothing to do with the bad cut, fabric, and color of this frock. She could have looked a whole lot cuter, and it’s a damn shame she wore this disservice of a dress on such a blessed occasion. I actually like elements of Kim’s Givenchy dress, just not the part that looks like she’s wearing North’s bib. The back is beautiful, especially with the totally impractical exaggerated veil. For sure, that skinny white belt will be ripped off and all over the bridal runways next season – you heard it here first.
Neither of these fools are Italian, so besides their deep appreciation for pasta, what is the point of dragging everyone to Florence via Paris to wed at the Florentine equivalent of Fort Knox, the Forte di Belvedere o di San Giorgio Firenze? It’s just so cliché, basta. And the study-abroad capital Florence ain’t all that. There are far more interesting places than fucking snoozy-ass Florence.
Recent Kim Kardashian quote on racism:
Classic Kanye West quote on racism:
Once a bold and critical voice in the race relations discourse, Kanye has become his own worst hypocritical self-penned stereotype by wedding a super privileged white girl who will never understand the painful experience of surviving as a minority. In this one matrimonial gesture, Kanye can kiss his credibility in this conversation good-bye. She will never understand what it means to be black and he will always resent her for it. Sadly, North will pay the price of their relationship’s racial ambivalence.
We just witnessed Kim’s marriage to Kris Humphries less than 3 years ago in a huge televised event. Then we had to endure the inevitable unraveling of their showmance. With the Vogue cover, we’ve already seen the 2014 version of the bride and groom. I’m not excited about her dress. I’m not excited about his dress. I’m not invested. We’ve walked this flower petaled aisle with you before Kim Kardashian and it always dead-ends at the alter. Now the Kourtney and Scott wedding, that I would watch.
Happy Birthday Taurus! After a month of oppositional and tense energy, you are ready for a change both outwardly and inwardly. Whether it’s a freshening of your personal appearance or a sprucing of your home, invest in a few significant upgrades in May. Mother’s Day could be a real bitch this year. Particularly reactive on the 11th, it’s easy to slip back into childish patterns. Remember you are grown. Give a nice gift and a pleasant (albeit forced) smile. Keep your mouth shut or stuff it with pancakes. Before making any big promises socially or professionally to team up and dream up, view the entire situation through a critical side-eye. Get nakedly honest regarding the commitment the collaboration entails. Don’t allow leisure activities originally intended for fun to become burdensome and stressful. Scale back birthday plans to your nearest and dearest. Not everybody and their cousin merits an invite.
The days before your birthday are for quiet retreat, Gemini. The spotlight will soon be yours, take care of any messiness or undone chores nagging your subconscious. Gemini’s spring cleaning includes weeding your friendship flowerbed of unhealthy additions. The energy on Mother’s Day could present a number of challenges. Expect tense family dynamics if you plan to spend the day among loved ones. Play with the kiddos as an effective strategy for staying out of the fray. Concerning your health, when is the last time you had a check-up or any preventive care? Take care of yourself.
Embrace light-hearted fun in May, Cancer. Twirl around parties. Gossip and flirt. Enjoy yourself by keeping conversations easy breezy. Celebrating Mom may feel like a real chore this year, or you may not feel like you are getting credit where credit is due from your own ungrateful offspring and spouse. Tense energy in the crabshell foreshadows a change in the domestic sphere. Towards the end of the month, quiet the noise, slow down, and meet unmet obligations in preparation for your birthday.
Tap into your blonde ambition Leo, May is the month to make shit happen in your personal industry sector. Light a match under your ass at work and go for it. If you can’t see yourself moving onward and upward at your current grind, then put your energy into finding a more rewarding career. Either way, your efforts will be rewarded. May showers manifest as tears on Mother’s Day this year. The tense energy makes for uncomfortable family gatherings. If you know you can’t control your reactionary temper in the familial context, then limit your dealings to the minimum you can politely manage.
Virgo embraces adventure in May. The daring could take many forms from the obvious – last minute travel – to the less obvious – a meditative journey inward. Whatever trip you take, there’s a lesson in it for you. Mother’s Day might be a mutherfucker for reasons beyond your control. What is within your control is your reaction to unprovoked attacks. Take a few deep breaths, imbibe a cocktail, and focus on what you love about your family. With regard to your central relationship, you gotta decide if you are all in or all out because nobody can keep track of your pendulum swinging heart.
Libra craves intimacy and meaningful connection in May. Spend time with your sweetie cuddled up at home. The oppositional energy of the Grand Cross carries into May. Libra certainly felt the harsh angles of this unusual stellar arrangement. Why not take a self-imposed recovery period? It’s a nice way of sparing us your moody discontentment. Usually the family diplomat, this Mother’s Day your peace-making talents take temporary leave. Mid-month, enjoy a burst of full moon Scorpio energy that stimulates career success.
Scorpio loves powerful partnership, and the desire to collaborate works up a hunger to define your latest relationship. Total devotion forms the foundation of your dream union. Most beings are not capable of that level of intensity or the totality of sacrifice required for mating with you. Don’t belabor unsatisfying affiliations. Honor your Ma on Mother’s Day whether near, far, or departed. Extra-raw on the 11th, Scorpio’s got tail up, stinger poised. Retract your weaponry Scorpio, today isn’t the day for offensive maneuvering. We’re all suffering under the same strain, so send up a puff of compassion instead of attacking the weak and vulnerable.
Sagittarius is ready for some late spring cleaning in May. First, file your paperwork and thin the stacks of clutter. Next, pull out some pots and plant yourself a little windowsill garden. The plants will nourish you in unforeseen ways in the coming months. They will also clean the air and pump your home full of fresh oxygen. Ferocious family dynamics have the potential to ruin Mother’s Day. Unable to hold your tongue under this irrational influence, Sags could be major contributors to the chaos. Even though at times it feels as though you’ve outgrown your friends, your own self-limiting beliefs are the source of most of your misdirected judgment and criticism.
Capricorn gets especially expressive in May after feeling downright repressed in April. For the most part, this chatty streak works to your benefit. Mother’s Day is the major exception. Thoughtless comments and misconstrued humor could spark intense overreactions. Bring a nice gift and stuff your face with food. Lay in the cut and don’t be a dick. It isn’t up to you to fix your family. Instead of wasting energy on unsolicited advice for your clan, apply that care-taking energy to yourself. Spend the last week of May organizing your life. Tidy your home. Eat better. Refresh the wardrobe.
After an incredibly intense April, Aquarius requires a respite! All the drama, stress, and conflict depleted your resources and patience. Of all the signs, you are poised to deliver the best Mother’s Day as either the recipient or giver. However you chose to celebrate motherhood, keep it low key and pampering. Now is not the time to plan the world’s most elaborate brunch. Even French toast can’t compete with selfish tantrum throwers – who are bound to make an appearance on the 11th. Mid-month, an energetic boost in your career helps you decide if you should stay or go.
Your noggin is stormy with ideas in May, Pisces. The notions come quickly and without much elaboration, so keep a notebook handy to jot down thoughts as they strike lightening fast. A cloud hovers over Mother’s Day. Pisces acts out with unpredictable moodiness. If you are struggling to maintain your composure in your toxic familial soup, think of them as strangers and just be polite. You wouldn’t overtly roll your eyes at a stranger across the lunch table, so don’t do it to your sister at family gatherings. Towards the end of the month, Pisces feels especially emotionally vulnerable. Spend this time alone or with a few trusted pals – no needy whiners!
With May comes a healthy dose of reality, Aries. Start with an assessment of your finances. Look at your accounts and compare the credit to debit columns. If you’re running a deficit, you must reverse the flow from outgoing to incoming. In order to do so, you will have to sacrifice some of your material desires. Put quality thought and effort into honoring your mother this Mother’s Day. Defy your selfish reputation by seizing this wonderful opportunity to display your thoughtfulness and love. Aries’ sexual relationship gets a surge of intensity from the scorpion mid-month. Everything you’ve been holding back will come spilling out in a gush of brutal honesty.
Please tell me you watched the premiere of True Tori on Lifetime last night. It was everything. True Tori proves there are no bounds to Spelling’s self-delusion. First, we’re all supposed to pretend this is the only time Dean’s cheated. Tori honey, Dean cheated with you, and he’s been cheating on you. He’s a big fat cheater. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. Does anyone honestly believe this was an isolated incident? Dean strikes me as a guy who is as indiscriminately unfaithful as his opportunities.Tori had the audacity to say, “Don’t feel sorry for me.” Oh don’t worry; we don’t. She complained about raising 4 kids on her own. Do you think she thought about Dean’s then-wife Mary raising their 2 kids alone when Spelling went husband-snatching on the set of her sad little Lifetime movie 7 years ago? I suspect not. In a pathetic ploy to garner undeserved audience sympathy, Spelling shamelessly plays put-upon mommy despite my hunch that she has a fleet of nannies hovering conveniently out of frame to provide behind the scenes support while Deano’s trolls the inpatient ward for his latest conquest. Tori and Lindsay must have graduated from the same learning annex course on self-exploitation through bad reality programming. Both celebrities offer up publicist-curated versions of their mundane lives sprinkled generously with oversharing of their most private personal dramas – all whilst complaining about the constant paparazzi swarm who keep them on the covers of tabloids. Happy to whore themselves out to a reality show camera crew for personal monetary gain, these bitches clutch their pearls in outrage should anyone else profit off the insatiable interest in their misfortune. These two skinny bitches must have discovered hypocrisy burns more calories than Adderall.
You don’t need a laxative; eat more berries.
You don’t need to leave your husband and kids for a lesbian 20 years your junior; acknowledge you’re having mid-life crisis.
You don’t need an electronic cigarette; you need a vape pen.
You don’t need to feel like you’re missing out if you aren’t watching Lindsay; it’s boring as fuck.
Apologies. It’s been an every-other-day type of week. I won’t makes excuses; we’re all over-scheduled. Let’s catch up, shall we?
A word on Paltrow and Martin, I’m surprised she stayed as long as she did. Sure, she’s insufferable, but he’s fermented into cheddar along with his crappy soft-rock band. He’s no longer a prestige partner, and Gwyneth only does prestige, hunny. Speculation continues to swirl over who fucked whom during the rumored open marriage. Do you think Jay-Z belongs in that rumor mill, ya’ll?
Regarding the plane, I’m just going to say it though it may be irresponsible. I think the missing plane was shot down by the military – probably accidentally. Which country’s military, I don’t know, but they are drawing attention to the end of the earth for a reason. It’s a classic diversion and cover-up scenario. The whole situation is super suspicious. My heart aches for the families in the emotional limbo of unknowing.
I finished my taxes myself. Like middle school, I’m just glad it’s over.
Miss Piggy ♥ The Great Muppet CaperMelaina ♥ ShagLinda ♥ Fast Times at Ridgemont HighHoney Ryder ♥ Dr. NoJenny ♥ 10 Adrienne ♥ The Crush
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