Category Archives: STAR

“Woman of the Year”

CAITLYN SMOKESHere’s a puzzler: Why is Glamour magazine naming Caitlyn fucking JennerWoman of the Year” when Caitlyn Jenner hasn’t even been living as a woman for a full year?  What does Caitlyn Jenner know about the struggle of womanhood? Has Caitlyn Jenner ever endured menstrual cramps?  Fuck no.  Has Caitlyn Jenner ever been paid less for equal work because of her vagina?  Hell no.  When Caitlyn Jenner walks alone at night is she afraid she’s going to be raped?  I doubt it very seriously. CAITLYN JENNER WALKSTransgender poster girl, maybe.  Woman of the year?  Well that’s just an insult to those of us who haven’t lived with the benefit of affluent, white, male, privilege for the last 65 years.  Eat a dick, Glamour, you traitorous rag!

Lip Sync Showcase

ANNE HATHAWAY LIP SYNC BATTLENext weekend is the First Annual Lip Sync Showcase.  I have to prepare a number.  What song would you choose?  I’ve been profoundly contemplating my choice.  I’m not sure what to perform.  As a fan of Lip Sync Battle, I’ve been paying close attention to what works and what doesn’t.  Nobody wants an earnest lip sync situation.  The song must be worded with a wink.  There are some obvious go-to’s.  I want to avoid those.  No Gloria Gaynor.  No Madonna.  But you don’t want to go too obscure or dark.  It’s preferable when everyone in the audience knows the words.  Speaking of audience, the selection must hype the people.  I know a kid who insists on karaoke-ing Happiness is a Warm Gun, and it is such a bummer every single time.  Don’t be that guy.  An upbeat song choice is key, but you don’t want to go too corny either.  I’m auditioning a few different ditties – and there’s choreography to consider.  I gotta get to werk.  And for those of you participating, I look forward to experiencing the full gamut of magic you have to offer.   RU

a little light reading

GOING OFF SCRIPTAfter hate-reading Frankel’s latest relationship advice book, I word-snacked on Giuliana Rancic’s Going Off Script: How I Survived a Crazy Childhood, Cancer, and Clooney’s 32 On-Screen Rejections.  I know, my literary predilections are so intellectual right now.  Due to extremely low expectations, I enjoyed Giuliana’s book more than I thought I would, especially her recounting of pulling a bitch out of class and beating her ass in the high school hallway, nearly choking out her college boyfriend, and confirming Jerry O’Connell is an epic social-climbing douche.  You can take the girl out of Naples, but not the Naples out of the girl…Now I’m thoroughly enjoying the illuminating Is Gwyneth Paltrow Wrong About Everything?: How the Famous Sell Us Elixirs of Health, Beauty & Happiness by Timothy Caulfield.  In my line of work, someone is always bragging about improving themselves with the latest cleanse, juicing, or ridiculous beauty treatment.  We’ve all fallen prey.  Caulfield debunks the efficacy of a number of diets and beauty treatments by exposing the utter lack of scientific basis behind most of the shit celebs shill.  The hyped Dr. Junger Clean Cleanse promoted by Gwyneth Paltrow is apparently total bullshit.  Facials and facial acupuncture have no merit.  Adrenal fatigue is medical fiction.  According to this book, most of what you spend your time and money on has absolutely no bearing on your health or beauty.  It is both depressing – when considering how much money and time I’ve wasted on bunk beauty bullshit, and refreshing – in knowing how much money, time, and energy I’ll save moving forward by sticking with what really works.  And what is that you ask?  There are no secrets.  It’s all stuff you’ve heard before.  Eat a diet comprised of at least 50% fruits and vegetables.  Wear sunscreen.  Sleep.  Beyond these basic time-tested truths, science suggests very little else has any impact on your beauty or health at all.GWYNETH IS WRONG

3 for Friday

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY1) The Fifty Shades of Grey movie is going to suck ass.  The books were a joke and the movie will be worse.  I don’t know who these hopeful presale bitches are breaking box office records.  Strike that, yes I do; the same bitches that bought tickets to that indefensible Twilight mess.  Charlie Hunnam really dodged a semi-sized dookie by dropping out of this project.  BRUCE JENNER2) Is it possible to support the courageous bravery of Bruce Jenner’s transition and still be a little unsettled by it?GARY SHIPLEY TEEN MOM3) Best product to come out of a reality show?  Teen Mom’s Gary Shipley launched his own line of prophylactics. GARY SHIPLEY CONDOM


On the Lam, Over the Threshold

GIUDICE PRISONTeresa Giudice spent her first night in federal prison last night.  Have you ever spent a night in jail?  It is so dirty and terrifying.  (No, I didn’t get a DUI.  I know what you are thinking – assault charge!)  I could not make it a year in jail.  The temporary nature and constant influx of inmates makes jail crazy chaos.  Federal prison is surely a more orderly and structured experience, but any style incarceration makes one day feel like one week.  Teresa’s sentenced to over year.  Another downside to fame, you can’t go on the lam.  I’d so be on the lam.  Sometimes I think about where I might lam off to.  Certainly not Mexico.  Iceland?  Switzerland?  Argentina?  Thailand?POKEY

DIAZ MADDENBenji and Cam got married.  Cammie D has been preaching the single girl gospel for years and now she runs off and marries some tubby third rate rocker who hasn’t seen a hit in a decade?  I’m so annoyed.  What’s next?  Fertility treatments?  So standard issue, Cam, really I’m disappointed.  I’m not surprised though, recently she has been looking really desperate, and it’s been one professional failure after another as of late.  Eh em, Annie.CAM ANNIE


read. saw. splurged

NOT THAT KIND OF GIRLObviously, I bought Lena Dunham’s book Not That Kind of Girl because I’m a voracious consumer of all of Dunham’s creative output.  It doesn’t disappoint.  Girls fans will enjoy retreading source material in what I guess you would call her first book of essays.  What I like most is her intelligent use of rarely used four letter words – example “ford the river.”GONE GIRLI sat through a matinee of Gone Girl with the AARP set today.  In case you haven’t heard, there’s Affleck and NPH peen involved.  It’s a totally serviceable adaptation; true to the novel and stylish, but the movie lacks the urgency I felt while reading the book.  At well over 2 dragging-ass hours, the movie could have benefited from an little edit to accelerate the overall pacing.  In reflecting back, the best part of the cinema experience was listening to the grayhairs chuckle at the preceding Fifty Shades of Grey trailer.LIPSHTICKDid you hear that Wendy Williams is doing another couple shows at the Venetian for their Lipshtick series?  With the exception of the Veggie House, I don’t love Las Vegas, but I do love Wendy Williams.  Snag a ticket and I’ll meet you there.  We’ll make it cute.WENDY WILLIAMS LIPSHTICK


I’m Really Sad About Joan Rivers


mizz tudie denkins

I’ve been dogsitting my best friend’s dog Tudie Denkins this week.  She is a 2 lb Maltese and the sweetest most lovable little dog you could ever meet.  I’ve enjoyed having her so much.  She follows me around, sits on my lap, sleeps curled up next to me in my armpit.  She doesn’t really bark.  She definitely never bites.  She just loves and sleeps.  That’s her jam, and that’s why I agreed to keep her while my friend was away.  CAM00859In having her in my home, I’ve realized a few other things about dog ownership.  It’s unexpectedly nice to have a reason to wake up and go right outside, breathe the morning air, and take my little pal on a walk.  Ditto with the night time routine and getting outside for fresh air before bed.  Tudie’s such a little cutie that no one can resist her.  I’ve met so many new people this week because of her adorable mug.  I have to return little Tudie back to her Ma tomorrow and it will be super hard to let her go.  It’s nice to have a warm little companion.  I get it dog people.  I get it.  Woof.CAM00852

Wedding Gown Rundown

JESSICA SIMPSON WEDDINGJessica Simpson wore custom Carolina Herrera.  It’s such a princess-y Jessica Simpson dress.  It is exactly what you’d expect her to wear.  I do like the candlelight color, the snatched waist, and the how the beading catches the light.  I don’t love the pattern of the beading on the skirt and the way it creates a weighty bedspread feeling to the bottom of the dress. JESSICA SIMPSON BRIDEOLIVIA PALERMOAlso in Carolina Herrera, I feel like Olivia Palermo is trying to be the hipster chick that wears Chuck Taylors to prom.  Like she’s above the fuss of an actual wedding dress.  She can only bother with a skirt and sweater (in the summer).  I offer you begrudging props for originality paired with an eyeroll, Palermo.  She looks way baked in this picture, no?  KANDI BURRESSKandi fucking Burruss.  Did you watch that hot fucking mess of a televised shitshow?  Coming to America, for real girl?  Today is just about dresses and this one makes me recall that line from Steel Magnolias, “Looks like two pigs fightin’ under a blanket.”  What do you expect from a designer who delivers your dress in a bedsheet?TAYLOR ARMSTRONGI threw Taylor Armstrong in here for a little Real Housewives compare and contrast.  She’s wearing Chagoury Couture.  The dress is dated; it’s giving me a very 1997 prom sensation. NAYA RIVERA REFLECTIONPoor Naya Rivera, attempting to bride her post-Big Sean pain away in Monique Lhuillier.  This dress is totally inappropriate for a Cabo wedding.  Could you imagine wearing all that lace and long sleeves in Mexico in the summerNAYA RIVERA WEDDING DRESSKALEY CUOCOKaley Cuoco opted for carnation pink Vera Wang.  I’m all for non-white, but this gown isn’t really that special.  The color borders on cloying. KATIE COURICCarmen Marc Valvo made Katie Couric’s dress for her ceremony in the Hamptons.  I know she’s nearing 60, but that has nothing to do with the bad cut, fabric, and color of this frock.  She could have looked a whole lot cuter, and it’s a damn shame she wore this disservice of a dress on such a blessed occasion.  KIM AND KANYEI actually like elements of Kim’s Givenchy dress, just not the part that looks like she’s wearing North’s bib.  The back is beautiful, especially with the totally impractical exaggerated veil.  For sure, that skinny white belt will be ripped off and all over the bridal runways next season – you heard it here first. KIM K WEDDING DAY