Category Archives: STAR

You don’t need…

LAXATIVEYou don’t need a laxative; eat more berries. BERRIES

You don’t need to leave your husband and kids for a lesbian 20 years your junior; acknowledge you’re having mid-life crisis.

MIDLIFE CRISISYou don’t need an electronic cigarette; you need a vape pen. VAPE PEN

You don’t need to feel like you’re missing out if you aren’t watching Lindsay; it’s boring as fuck.

LINDSAY BORING

slackadaisical

OVERSCHEDULED

Apologies.  It’s been an every-other-day type of week.  I won’t makes excuses; we’re all over-scheduled.  Let’s catch up, shall we?

PALTROW AND MARTIN

A word on Paltrow and Martin, I’m surprised she stayed as long as she did.  Sure, she’s insufferable, but he’s fermented into cheddar along with his crappy soft-rock band.  He’s no longer a prestige partner, and Gwyneth only does prestige, hunny.  Speculation continues to swirl over who fucked whom during the rumored open marriage.  Do you think Jay-Z belongs in that rumor mill, ya’ll?

JAYZ AND PALTROW

Regarding the plane, I’m just going to say it though it may be irresponsible.  I think the missing plane was shot down by the military – probably accidentally.  Which country’s military, I don’t know, but they are drawing attention to the end of the earth for a reason.  It’s a classic diversion and cover-up scenario.  The whole situation is super suspicious.  My heart aches for the families in the emotional limbo of unknowing.

UNKNOWING

I finished my taxes myself.  Like middle school, I’m just glad it’s over.

TAX COLLECTORS OFFICE

 

Sunday cinematic swim

PIGGY-IN-THE-POOLMiss Piggy ♥ The Great Muppet CaperMELAINA SHAGMelaina ♥ ShagLINDALinda ♥ Fast Times at Ridgemont HighHONEY RYDERHoney Ryder ♥ Dr. No10 JENNYJenny ♥ 10 ADRIENNE THE CRUSHAdrienne ♥ The Crush

Living Proof

JEN AND CHRIS LIVING PROOFDammit.  I already love Living Proof Prime Style Extender, and now I’m hooked on Living Proof Full shampoo and conditioner.  Do you think I want to love anything associated with Jennifer fucking Aniston?  I assure you I do not, but I cannot deny the otherworldly effects of these products.  I prefer wash and wear hair for my daily situation.  My hair goes up into a messy spinpin bun and down again several times a day.  Living Proof improves the texture, volume, and style of my air-dried hair.  Living Proof Full shampoo + conditioner + style extender + air dry = hair looks almost as good as if I finished with heat.  If I actually take the time to blow my hair out with Living Proof the results are major; add hot rollers = bombshell major.  I started this paragraph with the word dammit because Living Proof is pricey, and now I’m addicted.  I console myself knowing with Living Proof I can go a day between washings and still maintain bouncy bedhead.  LP makes my haircut look more expensive.  If Living Proof had nuts, I’d be swinging from them.  LIVING PROOF FULL

Amy Schumer Live

AMY SCHUMERI’m usually ambivalent about live stand-up, but I recently caught comic Amy Schumer on tour promoting the second season of her funnyfeminist show Inside Amy Schumer.  I’ve posted my affection for Inside Amy Schumer before so I needn’t take you on a redundant stroll down pussy power lane.  My esteem for her only intensified when she snatched the spotlight from those other twats on Girls this season.  MAGIC PUSSYI enjoyed her stand-up less.  Inside Amy Schumer inverts sexism in a manner that exposes the utter absurdity.  Amy Schumer the stand-up comic falls short on completing the flip.  For example, she asserts (the obvious) women have a fuckability shelf-life, that after a certain age society sends them out to sea on a rudimentary raft for a viking’s funeral.  The punchline: men have no fuckability shelf-life.  Men are apparently fuckable to the day they die.  Even if that were actually true, which it isn’t entirely, stating our collective indoctrinated gender stereotypes without subversion isn’t particularly funny.  Unless you are a guy.  The guy behind me was cracking up with a sense of optimistic superiority throughout the show (continuous dork laughing is just one of the problems with live stand-up).  If Schumer did her job properly, he’d be feeling like an asshole and my pussy would feel damn empowered.  The big takeaway wasn’t pussy empowerment, it was learning that a “Cherry Sundae” is when you “bust on a girl’s face and then punch her in the nose.”  AMY SCHUMER LIVE

Even though I laughed, I left depressed.  AMY SCHUMER DEPRESSING

I Know It’s Not Right When…

SODA SHOP DATEHe has to google words I use in text messages.  You don’t know what auspicious means?

Auspicious: showing or suggesting that future success is likely.

He spends three dates talking exclusively about himself and then says “I can’t wait to learn everything about you.”BAD DATE CARTOON

I hate his shoes.hermes brown suedeHe cares more about being perceived as cool than he does about my feelings.ONJ AND JOHN TRAVOLTA GREASE

KELLY LE BROCKMy Kelly LeBrock and James Spader references sailed over his thinning hair.JAMES SPADER MANNEQUIN

 

i’m really sad about L’Wren Scott

LWREN SCOTT SEQUINSLWREN SCOTT SPRING 2014 RTWLWREN SCOTT BLACK GOWNLWREN SCOTT GOLDLWREN SCOTT BEHIND

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KB

HAP COLORSPYBIRT EDITH HATDA LCY GINGHAMKBHAPPY BIRTHDAY PINUP

Did You Watch Lindsay??!

LINDSAY LOHAN OWNLet me summarize.  According to Lindsay, every aspect of her life is a potential danger to her sobriety.  Promoting a movie overseas?  Too risky.  Leaving the hotel room?  Too many photographers.  She doesn’t seem to realize that total imprisonment with a sober coach would make anybody want to use.  Mostly the program consists of Lindsay painstakingly sorting her clothing and jewelry in different venues.  Watching her try to match earrings is like watching a crackhead play Concentration.  The “docu series” manages a peculiar blend of messy and mundanely boring. LINDSAY LOHAN SORTS JEWELRY