So I was talking to one of my favorite people ever today. He’s been mentoring a cousin semi-new to the scene and trying to instill the proper etiquette into the young man for navigating the treacherous waters of the modern gay world.
My impeccably clean and well-mannered pal has extended his home to his ill-mannered cousin on a number of occasions. In the past, cugino harmlessly and forgettably annoyed friend and his put-upon partner when staying over, but recently the off-side twat went too far.
After arranging his cuz comfortably and appropriately in front of the tv on the couch, friend trusted his cousin in his apartment unattended for a short window of time.
During the brief moment of solitude in his older, respected mentor’s well-kept home, cousin crept upstairs and rifled around in the room he shares with his long term partner.
Primo shamelessly fished through the goody drawer and with unmitigated gall had the audacity to employ a very pricey prostate stimulator and do work on himself.
Take a moment and let it wash over you. I understand. Happy to wait. 
How did friend know about the trespass? Cousin left the dirty ass toy on a washcloth next to the sink like a parting gift. He did not even bother to wipe it down with the rubbing alcohol conveniently adjacent.
So just in case any of you extra sloppy-ass invasive bitches (paging punk cousin) need a remedial manners moment, using someone else’s butt fun without permission is not a gesture of gratitude.
Loving my unicorn ring from Rabid Fox Jewelry. It is 50% whimsy and 50% weapon. 
These unusual and eye-catching pieces attract second and third glances – conversation starters indeed. 
Choose from a a variety of animal friends in gold, silver, and brass. 
I want to write more letters in 2012, but unlined paper gives me agita. I can’t manage to write straight without lines, and the gradual slant ain’t cute. 
That’s why I adore this whimsical lined paper from La Papierre. The variety of themes range from the sweet to the sinister. 
If you prefer unlined notes, the shop stocks a well-rounded collection of both types. In addition to stationery, La Papierre has fun envelopes, postcards, and other interesting and enjoyable printed materials. 
You can find a lovely selection of reasonably-priced options of La Papierre products on Etsy.
So no matter what happens this weekend, we are absolutely forbidden from partaking in the following behaviors.
Drinking and Driving
If the day after Christmas has left you with a holiday hangover, consider using the last precious days of the year to accomplish a few unmet goals. Rather than waiting until NYE to make some phony resolution, begin the new year with the confidence that comes from triumphing over obstacles. 
First off, your space is filthy, so a good pre-New Year purge wouldn’t hurt, right? Like when is the last time you really mopped? What difference would 3 hours dedicated to tidiness make in your life? What impact could a donation of all your unused crap mean to someone in need? Now is your chance to make up for snubbing that Salvation Army bell ringer this year. It is never too late for generosity.
If your goal this year was to cultivate fun, you still have 5 days to plan an execute a bitching NYE party. How about a trade-your-most-hideous-gift exchange party? The fiesta provides another avenue to declutter (see #1) and an opportunity to trade it for something you might actually like, even if only ironically.
Here’s to rising to the challenge of accomplishing more in the last week of the year than bong hits and Teen Mom 2 marathons.
10 Lords a-Leaping
6 Geese a-laying
3 French Hens
2 Turtle Doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.
