Category Archives: SUPPORT

Are you Brave?

SUZY KASSEMLemme tell you a little story about how I was welcoming students to the studio.  I saw a car pull in a parking spot and seconds later a big truck hauling portable toilets sped in and screeched to a halt.  The potty truck driver jumped out and rushed over to the car and started yelling at the driver through a quarter cracked window (don’t ever lower your window to engage with your attacker, dumbass).  I watched first to see if a few profanities would satisfy potty truck and he’d be on his way, but when I saw him continue to yell and gesticulate, I decided to intercede.  Now, let me tell you there were no less than 3 grown men and 2 women right there on the premises witnessing this whole scene. Did anyone even twitch a muscle to go out and deescalate the situation?  Everyone just stood around jaw agape as I marched outside and assertively yelled to hysterical potty driver “Sir, is there a problem?  Sir, this is private property. Do I need to call the police?”  Then I loudly ordered the others to take photos and write the phone number and company name off his truck.  Defeated, potty truck retreated, and I pulled the shaken student (a six foot tall middle aged white dude) into the studio.CERSEI

After everything calmed down, the women were all, “You’re badass” blah blah.  I’m not badass, and I’m not bragging.  This type shit will surely get me shot one day, but I’m no weak ass bitch.  I can’t stand the sight of injustice, violence, or bullying and I won’t standby idly.  The three guys standing around silently, they are cowards.  They know it.  I know it.  It was plain as pie today.

 The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Fucking Flake / Uber Dick

BETTER PEOPLERecently, I worked with two people who possess selfish and annoying qualities.  The first one is a flake.  She wants to have meetings all the time.  In this group, it takes 15 back and forth emails to schedule a mutually-convenient time and place for everyone. Then she routinely cancels citing some dire (but in actuality not at all emergent) need to be with her kids.  She was almost an hour late to one of the three most important days of her job.  The reason?  She was so tired she just “crashed” the night before and then realized she had no gas on the way to work.  In my universe, neither are reasonable justifications for such serious lateness.  Her conduct is irresponsible, unprofessional, and annoying.   I don’t give a fuck about your kid’s pageant or any of that familial bullshit.  Spare me those sort of personal details in your excuse.  The reason you are bailing on a scheduled meeting has no bearing on the outcome of that decision – namely that now we all need to go through the tedious rescheduling process because of you – a meeting you insisted on in the first place. FLAKE

The other one is a new breed: an Uber Dick.  An Uber Dick is a person who wants to schedule all activities in close proximity to himself because he sold his car and now depends solely on Uber for transportation.  Don’t shift the burden of your transportation on to me, buddy.   This is the same dick who brags about the economy of going Uber.  Yeah Uber Dick, it’s a real money-saving strategy to use your Uber account to manipulate everyone into driving to you.UBER HATE

who’s afraid of feedback?

THURSTON MOOREI admire people who can take feedback with grace.  ‘Bout the only feedback I can tolerate is on a Sonic Youth record.  Recently I completed leadership of a program. I wanted to know what my students really thought, so I gave them free rein on providing me feedback.  I said “take out a blank piece of paper and write anything you think I should know about my performance or the program.”  I left the room.  I had one student collect all the reviews and put them in an envelope.FEEDBACK

I stared at that envelope for a week before I had the courage to open it.  I was sure that because I was hard on them – would you have pegged me as a pusher? – that they would be equally hard on me.  In all fairness, I should be willing to eat the the brutal honesty I so often serve others.WAY HARSHTurns out I worried for nothing.  The reviews are overwhelmingly positive.  99% of the students understand why I pushed.  I’ve learned to accept that I always provoke an angry 1% in any room I enter.  That’s just part of my charm.  Can’t win ’em all.RUM AND COKE

I suck at small talk: holiday party edition

OFFICEXMASUgh, I went to a holiday party tonight. It was work-related and therefore somewhat obligatory.  I’m really grateful to the woman who welcomed me into her home and makes me feel a valuable part of her business, so please don’t take the following rant as ingratitude.  I suck so much at small talk at these parties. What the fuck do you talk about?  I ask about the kids. I ask about work.  I ask about holiday plans.  I intently listen, but I never get comfortable.  I always feel ill at ease.  I know; this is why people drink.  I don’t drink and drive at all, and don’t drink at work functions, so no social lubricant for me.  I stayed just shy of 90 minutes.  I had probably 10 conversations, 3 of them meaty.  I’m pretty sure I offended someone in one of those conversations.  I was definitely awkward in another.  And in the last I had to do all the conversational heavy-lifting.  All three were tedious, and now I feel tired.  If I’m honest, the night peaked with delicious cheese and crackers and the M&M bowl.  Sidenote: Can we stop with the mini cupcakes?  They’re as dry and flavorless as my lame party chat.MINICUPCAKES

only as faithful as his opportunities

DOGS LOVE YOGAAs many of you know, I’m a yoga teacher.  Whatever, roll your eyes.   This one dude has been sporadically coming to my class for a couple years.  He’s nice enough, I guess; albeit a little clingy.  He’s always trying to hug.  (Stop hugging your yoga teacher.  We don’t want to hug everybody.)  Recently, he’s been pressing me to have an “evening tea with him.”  He’s married and his wife is out of the country on the front side of relocating the family.  So the wife takes the kids to Europe to get settled, and the chubby little skeeze of a husband hits on his yoga teacher.  Fucking Gross.  I tried to just dust him off, but he keeps coming back with pressured persistence.  Asshole, I’m not going to participate in your piggish fuckery.  I am not going to carry on with you in a way that disrespects your wife.  I decline to create the appearance of impropriety or compromise my character, dickwad  Do not be naively drawn into these nefarious shenanigans under false pretenses, folks.  He’s really trying to fuck. They’re always trying to fuck. GWEN

“Woman of the Year”

CAITLYN SMOKESHere’s a puzzler: Why is Glamour magazine naming Caitlyn fucking JennerWoman of the Year” when Caitlyn Jenner hasn’t even been living as a woman for a full year?  What does Caitlyn Jenner know about the struggle of womanhood? Has Caitlyn Jenner ever endured menstrual cramps?  Fuck no.  Has Caitlyn Jenner ever been paid less for equal work because of her vagina?  Hell no.  When Caitlyn Jenner walks alone at night is she afraid she’s going to be raped?  I doubt it very seriously. CAITLYN JENNER WALKSTransgender poster girl, maybe.  Woman of the year?  Well that’s just an insult to those of us who haven’t lived with the benefit of affluent, white, male, privilege for the last 65 years.  Eat a dick, Glamour, you traitorous rag!

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Cell Phones in Yoga Class; let’s not

CELL PHONES IN YOGAAlright yogis, I know you are busy.  I know you have kids.  I know you are electronically leashed in a variety of ways.  All that notwithstanding, do you really NEED your cell phone in yoga class?  Yoga is a spiritual practice.  Your postures are your body praying.  Would you bring a cell phone into pray?  Leave your electronics, keys, and shoes outside the yoga room.  If you are understandably nervous about your shit getting stolen, lock it up.  Namaste. DICK WITH CELL PHONE IN YOGA CLASS

Lip Sync Showcase

ANNE HATHAWAY LIP SYNC BATTLENext weekend is the First Annual Lip Sync Showcase.  I have to prepare a number.  What song would you choose?  I’ve been profoundly contemplating my choice.  I’m not sure what to perform.  As a fan of Lip Sync Battle, I’ve been paying close attention to what works and what doesn’t.  Nobody wants an earnest lip sync situation.  The song must be worded with a wink.  There are some obvious go-to’s.  I want to avoid those.  No Gloria Gaynor.  No Madonna.  But you don’t want to go too obscure or dark.  It’s preferable when everyone in the audience knows the words.  Speaking of audience, the selection must hype the people.  I know a kid who insists on karaoke-ing Happiness is a Warm Gun, and it is such a bummer every single time.  Don’t be that guy.  An upbeat song choice is key, but you don’t want to go too corny either.  I’m auditioning a few different ditties – and there’s choreography to consider.  I gotta get to werk.  And for those of you participating, I look forward to experiencing the full gamut of magic you have to offer.   RU

To Complain or not to Complain?

JANE LANEWhen should we complain?  That’s the question of the moment.  In 2015, We are already mired in passive aggressive energy courtesy of the Year of the Sheep.  That means we are all in for a lot of subtle bitching both serving and getting served in the complaint department.  When you are as critical as I can be, there are always areas of dissatisfaction.  When is it worth it to express that dissatisfaction and expect a meaningful response?POINTLESSThe following unsatisfactory situations recently occurred.  Which would you complain about and which would you just suck up without complaint?

1) I visited a waxer.  After less than 15 minutes on her table, she declared me “finished.”  She did not remove enough hair to actually clear my bikini line.  The line between the crease and the thigh still had hair.  She did not even go a quarter of an inch inside the crease.  The treatment cost $37 for a “classic bikini wax.”  Request more removal or leave hairy and dissatisfied?YOU MOCK MY PAIN

2) I checked into a hotel room and hair from the last guest was all over the floor and bathtub.  Criticize housekeeping or clean up the mess?AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME

3) My dentist urged me to spend big money on a bite analysis and revision.  After thousands of dollars my bite still didn’t feel right and my teeth uncomfortably bumped together.  Furthermore, at my last cleaning, the technician didn’t polish my teeth.  Fuss or suffer?GETTING IN TO4) My neighbors are door slammers.  Bitch to the HOA or endure the clamor?LOUD NOISESHow did you answer to each of these scenarios?  Here are my answers: 1) didn’t request a waxing revision; 2) hate-cleaned it myself; 3) made him fix it (I basically paid for a chunk of his kid’s college last year for what I spent in his office); 4) haven’t notified the HOA….yet. THIS IS BORING