Category Archives: SUPPORT

Skills for Life: Tiny Cleaning Crew

TINY TOWN BOYLast week, I went on the cutest date with the best man to Tiny TownTiny Town is comprised of a ton of little dollhouses and has a little train you can ride around the modest grounds.  We arrived early before the crowds and commenced our tour of Tiny Town.  As we got toward the back of the colony of dollhouses, I noticed two girls.  The older girl looked about nine years old and the younger one around seven.  They had a bucket and squeegee and were cleaning off the exterior of the tiny houses.  I watched and listened to the diminutive cleaning crew working.  As they cleaned the dirt off the dollhouse windows one by one, I heard the older girl explaining to the younger girl that the water was getting dirty and needed to be changed.  They weren’t complaining, worked together without conflict, and encouraged each other to rally when they got tired.  I was super impressed.  Not only were these girls participating in age-appropriate chores, but the older girl was mentoring the younger girl by teaching her cleaning skills for life.  There was no direct adult supervision, and there didn’t need to be because these two young ladies were clearly raised with a sense of responsibility.  TINY TOWN TWO GIRLSYesterday, during my teeth cleaning, I was listening to my hygienist bitch about her step-children – two girls – ages ten and twelve who are spoiled brats with zero responsibility.  These girls respect no one because they have never been taught respect.  They have no life skills because no one ever taught them how to pick up after themselves.  As a result, the girls are ungrateful and bored because they have no appreciation for responsibility.  Parents who shelter their children from work are doing their kids a great disservice.  Find age-appropriate tasks and teach your children early on that life is a balance between work and fun.  Prepare your children for the reality of life not your fantasy of an ideal childhood.  Teach them self-soothing skills and self-sufficiency, so you don’t end up gifting the world with your useless, lazy, spoiled, entitled, and ungrateful offspring.  Yeah, I sound judgmental, but when it comes to parenting – if you aren’t going to do it right, don’t do it at all. TINY TOWN KID

mizz tudie denkins

I’ve been dogsitting my best friend’s dog Tudie Denkins this week.  She is a 2 lb Maltese and the sweetest most lovable little dog you could ever meet.  I’ve enjoyed having her so much.  She follows me around, sits on my lap, sleeps curled up next to me in my armpit.  She doesn’t really bark.  She definitely never bites.  She just loves and sleeps.  That’s her jam, and that’s why I agreed to keep her while my friend was away.  CAM00859In having her in my home, I’ve realized a few other things about dog ownership.  It’s unexpectedly nice to have a reason to wake up and go right outside, breathe the morning air, and take my little pal on a walk.  Ditto with the night time routine and getting outside for fresh air before bed.  Tudie’s such a little cutie that no one can resist her.  I’ve met so many new people this week because of her adorable mug.  I have to return little Tudie back to her Ma tomorrow and it will be super hard to let her go.  It’s nice to have a warm little companion.  I get it dog people.  I get it.  Woof.CAM00852

Happy Birfday America

4THSOLOCUP GOING OFF 4TH4TH OF JULY FASHION  PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE REDWHITEBLUEBITCHES SPARKLER MAN STATES SKILLETS VOGUE AMERICANA

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MONEY BEDIn the last few weeks, I know six different people who experienced shitty luck with their cars.  Four of those incidents were parked hit and runs.  In three of the four situations, the cowardly assailant didn’t leave a note.  Another girl backed into a pole.  Another lost her keys.  I learned from observing the way these folks weathered their losses.  In the first draft of this post, I was tempted to write that “unexpectedly” shitty things happen in life, but if I’m honest, I do expect shitty things to happen and that’s why I’m often better prepared for them than most people.  I’m not smug; I’m just unrelentingly pessimistic.SUZE ORMAN DENIEDI’m not trying to get all Suze Orman on your ass, but do you have sufficient savings to cushion a crisis should one arise?  A couple of the aforementioned victims make good salaries, but when life turded in their path they panicked and had to borrow money.  I’m willing to loan people money in a pinch.  Though I confess I throw a little side-eye when people who make shit-ton of cash don’t have any sort of emergency stash to weather life’s downturns. PIGGY BANK PONDERSPeople measure security in different ways, but a year’s worth of living expenses in an emergency fund is a reasonable start.  (Calculating in your head?  Double the number. We underestimate spending.)  Should life deal you illness, job loss, or a tornado, a shittymoments fund ensures tragedy isn’t compounded by financial stress.  Once you get your fund established and are enjoying a stress-free stretch of life, some of you will be tempted to blow your safety cash on an extravagant purchase.  DON’T.  Giuseppe Zanottis aren’t that chic when you are living out of your car.CAR HOUSE

EMA /// MAS YSA

EMA LOST LAKEI saw EMA this week at a local hole in the wall.  This joint is so small you literally brush elbows with the talent.  She invited Mas Ysa to open for her.  He was neither superb nor abysmal.  I would describe his set like I describe this website – as amateurish, but charming.  Anyway, after he finished and during EMA‘s set he settles in next to me.  We chat a little.  He sporadically shouts at the stage and dances wildly with nervous over-intensity.  I tried to reassure him with a few kind words about his performance.  I came to see EMA, so I’m not trying to talk to the opening act during her set.  That seems a bit disrespectful.  The room is small, so everyone can see everyone.  After loudly proclaiming his love for the headliner, he flailed around for two songs and then split for the bar.  I suspect this is a metaphor for his entire existence.  Sometimes, you learn everything you need to know about someone in the first two songs.  MAS YSA

 

Kate Plus 8: love & hate

JON AND KATE GOSSELIN AND SEXTUPLETSI have such mixed feelings on Kate Gosselin.  As a blanket feeling, I can’t respect a woman who sought unnecessary fertility treatment and then spends the rest of her life acting put upon when all the monkeying around resulted in sextuplets.  You are in a hell of your own making bitch.  Don’t complain when you get what you asked for.KATE MADY CARAThe fame, the money, it has clearly gone to her head in the form of extensions – Kate’s serving us county fair Pennsylvania pageant hair in lieu of her former hedgehog head.  Her body is tight, and her forehead is even tighter.  She’s improved components of her appearance over the years, but they apparently haven’t developed a plastic surgery to correct bitchface because that is her countenance all day long.KATE GOSSELIN BITCHFACEHer mothering lacks warmth.  She yells.  She doesn’t hug.  She doesn’t smile.  She humiliates.  She lacks compassion.  She’s a white-knuckle parent trying to control her children like a disciplined child army.  Did you see how she Mommie Dearest-ed Mady?  She refused to let Mady win the stupid game, but Kate was underhandedly nice enough to invite Mady’s best friend Jenna as a surprise.  I guess Cara didn’t have any friends to include?MADY AND KATEAll that said, Kate gets a few things right.  The Gosselin kids complete chores and therefore understand responsibility and hard work.  Kate has instilled a sense of team work and camaraderie in her kids that will serve them throughout their lives long after they have escaped her overly-controlling clutches.  Kate creates structure.  Kate sets limits.  Kate tries to provide fun for her kids.  It’s just that she’s such a miserable bitch she even ruins the good times.KATE GOSSELIN YELLSThe kids appear intelligent, well-spoken, polite, and scared.  Mady’s still the thorn in her mother’s side and I can’t wait to read her inevitable tell-all.  It’s just a matter of time before Collin grows taller than Kate, looks down at her and says “shut the fuck up Mom.”  Can the cameras please capture that developmental milestone?KATE JOEL COLLINFor this TLC special, Kate wants to go big for the sextuplet’s tenth birthday.  Kate wants a carnival theme.  Too bad she’s not listening to what the kids want.  Clearly, what these kids want is to feel like an only child for one day.  Only children get to be alone with their parents.  Only children get to do what they want to do without compromise.  The greatest gift she could give those kids on their birthday is time away from their siblings.KATE PLUS 8 TLCOn each of the six days proceeding the birthday, take one kid out each day.  On the seventh day, have a family party.  Some of you are saying – what are you going to do with the other kids when you are out with that one kid?  No doubt the Gosselins employ nannies.  Cooperate with Jon for the good of the kids.  Make it work.  For someone who considers herself an organizational marvel, a day focused on one child can’t be any harder than planning an elaborate backyard carnival that’s more for the network than it is for the kids.GOSSELIN SEXTUPLETS

 

Plug It In?

ALEX AND SIMONThink waaay back to season one of The Real Housewives of New York City.  There’s a moment when Alex, Simon, and Bethenny are standing around gossiping about Ramona’s reaction to Alex adding her husband Simon to “girl’s night.”  Alex defends Simon’s attendance at the dinner and makes some stupid remark about discussing vibrators in mixed company.  To paraphrase, “What’s the problem?  Just plug it in.”  In a subsequent interview segment Bethenny shrieks nasally, “Plug?! Plug?!  Like what era are you in?!”WAND MASSAGERWhat I’ve learned about vibrators as of late applies equally to power tools of any kind.  A cordless will work in a pinch or when convenience necessitates, but if you want the type of power that completes the job professionally with efficient ease then plug into the grid.  Plug-in vibrators never tire, rarely overheat, and don’t require constant battery replacement.  Plus, many innocently double as damn good massagers for sore muscles.    SINCLAIR INSTITUTE SELECT

on friendship: shitty, mediocre, or exemplary?

TALKING SHITSome hateful bitches are talking smack about you.  A shitty friend adds to the gossip.  A mediocre friend remains sheepishly silent.  An exemplary friend ferociously defends you. CLUELESS FALLYou trip and fall flat on your ass in front of a crowd of people.  A shitty friend laughs.  A mediocre friend backs away fearing contamination by third-party embarrassment.  An exemplary friend scoops you up, asks if you are alright, and loudly proclaims “nothing to see here” as she escorts you to the bar for a recovery drink.JENNY MCCARTHY ENGAGEDYou get engaged and share the news.  A shitty friend informs you she slept with your fiancé a few years ago.  A mediocre friend offers a bland congratulations.  An exemplary friend says “I’m so happy for you” and really means it.  DADYour Dad dies.  A shitty friends sends you a sympathetic text.  A mediocre friend sends flowers.  An exemplary friend sends weed. BAG OF WEED

 

honor thy mother

 

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