Category Archives: SUPPORT

In-Flaws

BURRUSS TUCKER DRAMAI’m not going to pretend there aren’t things I don’t miss about my ex.  I wouldn’t have been with him for close to a decade if he didn’t have some redeeming qualities.  Since we’ve split, we rarely talk.  His hateful parents were a major reason we broke up.  They aren’t very nice.  They don’t seem to like anyone.  They participate in long estrangements from family for flimsy reasons.  They grumble.  They complain.  Too cowardly to say it to your face, they would rather just passive aggressively back-bite.  I did not want to form a family amidst the discord.  And the thought of dealing with them over a lifetime felt like an emotional prison sentence destined to indefinitely ruin every holiday and cause innumerable conflicts.  My ex’s sister and husband just had a baby, and the parents came out to visit from another state.  After years of ill-feelings, not even a brand new little sweet baby could serve to keep the peace.  The parents departed early leaving behind a dirty diaper full of fermenting bad feelings.IN LAW DRAMAIn the wake of their departure, I got the inevitable text from the son-in-law with concerns he didn’t know how much longer he could take it.  The hateful parents are causing a major strain on the marriage even from hundreds of miles away.  I can’t help but feel like I dodged a bullet getting out when I did.  Even though my ex has a number of wonderful qualities, his inability to appropriately deal with his unreasonable parents spelled disaster for the future of our union.  If you don’t like your partner’s family, don’t get married because it can only really play out two ways.  Either 1) suck it up and forever deal with people who despise you; or 2) set boundaries limiting your contact with the mean ones which in turn distances your partner from his family thereby breeding resentment in your relationship.  See why this will never work?  Don’t even bother.MONSTER IN LAW

Can You Afford It?

SUZE ORMAN DENIALDo you ever watch Suze Orman?  She includes a segment at the end of her show where she “denies” or “approves” purchases based on an unknown algorithm.  I’ve been thinking on whether it’s ethical for me to encourage someone to spend on a trip that he arguably can’t afford.  Yes, he could throw the trip on credit cards, but I don’t want a few days on white sandy beaches to turn into years of indebtedness.  Conversely, life is short.  And if you’ve ever seen a retiree try negotiate the steps of Prague Castle, you know you don’t want to save your most adventurous traveling for your financially solvent, but psychically feeble golden years.  I know some of my more affluent girlfriends might opt to pay a larger share of the bill just to keep everybody happy, but something about that doesn’t sit quite right.  That sort of imbalance breeds resentment over time.RESENTMENTAt a minimum, before splurging, you gotta have a year of living expenses saved up, a maxed IRA contribution, no credit card debt, and the money for the splurge saved up separately.  Without those basics in order, approval for the purchase must be DENIED.  But then again, who am I to tell someone else how to spend his money?  If I limit my social invitations only to folks that fit into that aforementioned category of preparedness, I would be engaging in most activities alone.  It’s your money and ultimately you must decide how to negotiate the tightrope walk between adventure and safety net. TIGHTROPE

today was a good day

FILLMOREThanks to all my wonderful friends and students who came out to support me on a very big day.  I’m grateful for you.  IMG_0802IMG_0799

I’m 5 today.

I'M 55 years ago today, Demeter Clarc was born.  Over 1,800 posts later, I’m continually grateful for your loyalty, support, and patience.  I hope it’s as much fun for you as it is for me.  Love you always little doves.  ♥ DC PHILDUMPHY

 

Happy Sheep Year

SHEEP FACE

Welcome to the calmer, softer, prosperous Sheep year.  Sheep are mellow animals that prefer to navigate the world in a group working together for protection.  A soft, wooly serenity engulfs us for the next twelve months.  Some of us will enjoy the togetherness while others will find it stifling.  The hard-working character of the horse dominated 2014, but this year is not about ardor, money, wealth, or ascension.  A fixation on such materialism is considered a crass distraction in a time when providing essential needs for all is much more in fashion.  Sheep prefer peace, tranquility, and routine.  When conflict does arise it will take on a passive aggressive flavor.  The sheep encourages quick conciliation so as not to disturb the overall well-being of the herd.

BABY SHEEPWishing you a prosperous and happy Sheep Year!

On apologizing when you aren’t sorry

RETROGRADEThose of you who read your horoscopes this month know Mercury just went out of retrograde yesterday.  Well, before that pesky planet could come correct, I stepped in it with a number of important authority figures in my life.  Ugh.  CARRIE STEPPED IN ITWhile in hindsight, I could have handled the situations with more grace, there is kernel of righteousness to my actions in both scenarios.  Since my actions are guided by the best intentions, I find it most difficult to choke out an apology just because the end result wasn’t ideal.  FORCED APOLOGYEven though I’ve designed my life to involve the least amount of shit eating possible, sometimes, we all have to eat it to smooth things over when the power dynamic is unequal.  EAT YO PIETake responsibility for your short-coming in the situation.  In one of the aforementioned instances, someone took offense to my directness, so I asked forgiveness for my “impertinent tone.”  I won’t apologize for the content of the sentiment because it was right on.  The dickhead interrupted my class talking loudly with a total lack of courtesy, mindfulness, and respect.  I turned to him and said, “Can this wait?  It’s really distracting.”  He didn’t like me calling him out on his bad behavior in front of the class.  Now because his ego is wounded over his rudeness, I have to apologize because he didn’t like the sound of the honest truth?  I’m happy to take responsibility for my delivery, but I won’t take on the responsibility for his bad behavior.  APOLOGIZING EGOWithout excusing or abdicating your part in the conflict, narrowly tailor your apology to include only the conduct for which you are truly sorry.  There’s no need to give away all your power especially when the other party shares in a good portion of the blame.  That said, if you really blew it, own your fuck-up completely.  There’s nothing grosser than a weasel trying to wriggle out of responsibility.WEASEL

Monday Morning Management Meeting: Missing Link

LINKEDIN DALIEnough with the fucking LinkedIn.  I must get a dozen LinkedIn invitations a month.  I barely know most of the people who send them, and we have no professional affiliation.  Even if we did, I wouldn’t respond to their invitations anyway.  First of all, LinkedIn was hacked, doesn’t anyone remember that?  Secondly, LinkedIn continues to get sued for a number of shady tactics and privacy violations, including for (allegedly) sending out emails to users contacts without permission and allowing paid subscribers to search for references of other members without consent.  The site imports contacts and sends those annoying “connect on LinkedIn” emails to everyone you ever knew, including your exes.  You know how many LinkedIn invitations I’ve gotten from long lost exes?  Does he really want to reconnect or did LinkedIn just hijack his contacts?  See why this site is rife with conflict?  I won’t participate.  Let me ask all you LinkedIn enthusiasts: has it done shit for your career?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  Instead of thinning out your impact with such an impersonal approach, apply focused energy to building relationships with a few key people who can really help get you where you want to go. LINKEDIN SUPPORT GROUP

Gone Today

SNOWTRACKSSomeone I really loved and respected died tragically and unexpectedly yesterday.  He was a great man.  He treated others most kindly.  He will be sorely missed by many.  May his wife and daughter find solace in the wake of this life-changing loss.  Just when the mundane details of life lull me into a false sense of security, the universe comes along with a kick to the balls to remind us all just how precariously we hang in the balance of fate.  Love fiercely without restraint.  Forgive easily.  Life is short, and then in an instant you are gone. GONE

Girls Love Horses

REBEL TESTLike most girls, I love horses.  I had a horse when I was a girl.  Yes, I actually got the pony, eyeroll.  I drifted away from riding horses around 14, but as a grown woman I take every opportunity to ride that I can.  Through a thoughtful and generous friend, I was invited to ride this weekend.  A woman just moved out this way with her horses and was up for hosting a little group trot.HORSE MAGIC

Because horses are dangerous, usually equine owners are understandably cautious.  I expected very little excitement or free rein (if you will) during the evening, and was frankly just happy for the opportunity to ride.  One horse needed to rest, so we all took turns riding the mare, Peanut.  First, very nice owner mounted and completed a few laps on Peanut in the hopes of tuckering her out for the novice riders.  Perhaps not exercised as frequently since the recent move, Peanut was all full of piss and vinegar, itching to run, buck, and act wildly.BUCK WILD

Finally, it was my turn to ride Peanut.  I turned to owner and I said “Look, I know horses are dangerous. I really appreciate you letting me ride.  I won’t do anything crazy.  I will ask permission before I change gaits.”  So I hop on, and Peanut understandably runs me through all the standard horsey antics to see what she can get away with, which is nothing.  After I got the feel of her, I ask owner if I may trot.  She said “yeah, go ahead.”  Seriously she was the chillest horse mom ever.  After a few circles and half-halting obedience conversations with Peanut, I asked her for an easy canter.  Peanut is a Maserati of a horse and we had a good speedy go around the ring.  I kept Peanut in control, so owner apparently trusted me enough to have a nice little ride without any interference.  I was so stunned by her permissive and easy-going attitude.  I may make her my new best friend.  We can go riding together.HORSE LOVEI’m super grateful for my homie who organized the evening because he would much rather ride a skateboard than a horse and just arranged the gathering to make me happy.  Sweet, right?GIRLS LOVE HORSES