Category Archives: SUPPORT

only as faithful as his opportunities

DOGS LOVE YOGAAs many of you know, I’m a yoga teacher.  Whatever, roll your eyes.   This one dude has been sporadically coming to my class for a couple years.  He’s nice enough, I guess; albeit a little clingy.  He’s always trying to hug.  (Stop hugging your yoga teacher.  We don’t want to hug everybody.)  Recently, he’s been pressing me to have an “evening tea with him.”  He’s married and his wife is out of the country on the front side of relocating the family.  So the wife takes the kids to Europe to get settled, and the chubby little skeeze of a husband hits on his yoga teacher.  Fucking Gross.  I tried to just dust him off, but he keeps coming back with pressured persistence.  Asshole, I’m not going to participate in your piggish fuckery.  I am not going to carry on with you in a way that disrespects your wife.  I decline to create the appearance of impropriety or compromise my character, dickwad  Do not be naively drawn into these nefarious shenanigans under false pretenses, folks.  He’s really trying to fuck. They’re always trying to fuck. GWEN

“Woman of the Year”

CAITLYN SMOKESHere’s a puzzler: Why is Glamour magazine naming Caitlyn fucking JennerWoman of the Year” when Caitlyn Jenner hasn’t even been living as a woman for a full year?  What does Caitlyn Jenner know about the struggle of womanhood? Has Caitlyn Jenner ever endured menstrual cramps?  Fuck no.  Has Caitlyn Jenner ever been paid less for equal work because of her vagina?  Hell no.  When Caitlyn Jenner walks alone at night is she afraid she’s going to be raped?  I doubt it very seriously. CAITLYN JENNER WALKSTransgender poster girl, maybe.  Woman of the year?  Well that’s just an insult to those of us who haven’t lived with the benefit of affluent, white, male, privilege for the last 65 years.  Eat a dick, Glamour, you traitorous rag!

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Cell Phones in Yoga Class; let’s not

CELL PHONES IN YOGAAlright yogis, I know you are busy.  I know you have kids.  I know you are electronically leashed in a variety of ways.  All that notwithstanding, do you really NEED your cell phone in yoga class?  Yoga is a spiritual practice.  Your postures are your body praying.  Would you bring a cell phone into pray?  Leave your electronics, keys, and shoes outside the yoga room.  If you are understandably nervous about your shit getting stolen, lock it up.  Namaste. DICK WITH CELL PHONE IN YOGA CLASS

Lip Sync Showcase

ANNE HATHAWAY LIP SYNC BATTLENext weekend is the First Annual Lip Sync Showcase.  I have to prepare a number.  What song would you choose?  I’ve been profoundly contemplating my choice.  I’m not sure what to perform.  As a fan of Lip Sync Battle, I’ve been paying close attention to what works and what doesn’t.  Nobody wants an earnest lip sync situation.  The song must be worded with a wink.  There are some obvious go-to’s.  I want to avoid those.  No Gloria Gaynor.  No Madonna.  But you don’t want to go too obscure or dark.  It’s preferable when everyone in the audience knows the words.  Speaking of audience, the selection must hype the people.  I know a kid who insists on karaoke-ing Happiness is a Warm Gun, and it is such a bummer every single time.  Don’t be that guy.  An upbeat song choice is key, but you don’t want to go too corny either.  I’m auditioning a few different ditties – and there’s choreography to consider.  I gotta get to werk.  And for those of you participating, I look forward to experiencing the full gamut of magic you have to offer.   RU

To Complain or not to Complain?

JANE LANEWhen should we complain?  That’s the question of the moment.  In 2015, We are already mired in passive aggressive energy courtesy of the Year of the Sheep.  That means we are all in for a lot of subtle bitching both serving and getting served in the complaint department.  When you are as critical as I can be, there are always areas of dissatisfaction.  When is it worth it to express that dissatisfaction and expect a meaningful response?POINTLESSThe following unsatisfactory situations recently occurred.  Which would you complain about and which would you just suck up without complaint?

1) I visited a waxer.  After less than 15 minutes on her table, she declared me “finished.”  She did not remove enough hair to actually clear my bikini line.  The line between the crease and the thigh still had hair.  She did not even go a quarter of an inch inside the crease.  The treatment cost $37 for a “classic bikini wax.”  Request more removal or leave hairy and dissatisfied?YOU MOCK MY PAIN

2) I checked into a hotel room and hair from the last guest was all over the floor and bathtub.  Criticize housekeeping or clean up the mess?AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME

3) My dentist urged me to spend big money on a bite analysis and revision.  After thousands of dollars my bite still didn’t feel right and my teeth uncomfortably bumped together.  Furthermore, at my last cleaning, the technician didn’t polish my teeth.  Fuss or suffer?GETTING IN TO4) My neighbors are door slammers.  Bitch to the HOA or endure the clamor?LOUD NOISESHow did you answer to each of these scenarios?  Here are my answers: 1) didn’t request a waxing revision; 2) hate-cleaned it myself; 3) made him fix it (I basically paid for a chunk of his kid’s college last year for what I spent in his office); 4) haven’t notified the HOA….yet. THIS IS BORING

a month of sobriety

SEETHING RAGEWell kiddos, I made it a month without smoking grass.  I can hardly believe it myself.  There have been some trying times.  I managed to avoid puffing at a party, during relationship duress, and through several sleepless nights.  After I made it through the physical detox, a new set of psychological challenges emerged.  What surfaced was a deep well of seething rage that I’ve been spouting out in every direction at anyone who even slightly annoys me.  It’s fair to say that without weed, I’m a total cunt.  All my physical symptoms have diminished.  No more sharp pains between my ribs.  The wheeze is gone, as is the choking feeling I experienced around my throat.  My moods, however, need regulation.  For quite some time, I’ve been using ganja like some people use lithium – to manage moods.  While I was aware of my dope dependency, I didn’t realize until I quit that I arrested my emotional development by using instead of feeling.  Now, at this late stage in the life game, I’ve got to come up with new ways to cope with the depressing state of the human condition.  I’m far from figuring out a consistent solution, but I’m working several different angles – yoga, meditation, and therapy, to name a few.  Some days these methods are effective, and I can self-soothe my frustration.  And some days I yell “fat boy” at my neighbor for continuously slamming his door like an obnoxious idiot.  I’m not proud of the way I behave when I get aggressive with others, but I’m working on it.  SHUT UP FAT BOYI also wonder if I will ever be able to successfully reintroduce miss maryjane back into my life in a similar fashion to the relationship I have with alcohol – which is I can take it or leave it.  I don’t crave booze.  I can have a Scotch occasionally with friends and go months without a drink.  It is this relationship of non-attachment that I strive for in every area of my life.  DETACH

Congratulations are in order!

PARIS WEDDINGBest wishes to my longtime friends Michael and Ryan who recently became engaged in gay Paris!  Wishing you two the very best as you continue your celebration in Rome!  I’m thrilled for you both as you embrace this lifelong commitment.  Better you than me, gentlemen; better you than me.MAZEL ONESIE

Sending big love to my favorite mommy-to-be Wendy.  I so enjoyed serving as your pregnancy bitch and taking a culinary tour of Oakland County.  I can’t wait to meet little Tova.  May her arrival be swift and painless.OWN DAMN PLACEHappy housewarming to Katie and Broc who recently purchased their first new home together; may it shelter you from the storms.SUPER HAPPY FOR YOU


BURRUSS TUCKER DRAMAI’m not going to pretend there aren’t things I don’t miss about my ex.  I wouldn’t have been with him for close to a decade if he didn’t have some redeeming qualities.  Since we’ve split, we rarely talk.  His hateful parents were a major reason we broke up.  They aren’t very nice.  They don’t seem to like anyone.  They participate in long estrangements from family for flimsy reasons.  They grumble.  They complain.  Too cowardly to say it to your face, they would rather just passive aggressively back-bite.  I did not want to form a family amidst the discord.  And the thought of dealing with them over a lifetime felt like an emotional prison sentence destined to indefinitely ruin every holiday and cause innumerable conflicts.  My ex’s sister and husband just had a baby, and the parents came out to visit from another state.  After years of ill-feelings, not even a brand new little sweet baby could serve to keep the peace.  The parents departed early leaving behind a dirty diaper full of fermenting bad feelings.IN LAW DRAMAIn the wake of their departure, I got the inevitable text from the son-in-law with concerns he didn’t know how much longer he could take it.  The hateful parents are causing a major strain on the marriage even from hundreds of miles away.  I can’t help but feel like I dodged a bullet getting out when I did.  Even though my ex has a number of wonderful qualities, his inability to appropriately deal with his unreasonable parents spelled disaster for the future of our union.  If you don’t like your partner’s family, don’t get married because it can only really play out two ways.  Either 1) suck it up and forever deal with people who despise you; or 2) set boundaries limiting your contact with the mean ones which in turn distances your partner from his family thereby breeding resentment in your relationship.  See why this will never work?  Don’t even bother.MONSTER IN LAW

Can You Afford It?

SUZE ORMAN DENIALDo you ever watch Suze Orman?  She includes a segment at the end of her show where she “denies” or “approves” purchases based on an unknown algorithm.  I’ve been thinking on whether it’s ethical for me to encourage someone to spend on a trip that he arguably can’t afford.  Yes, he could throw the trip on credit cards, but I don’t want a few days on white sandy beaches to turn into years of indebtedness.  Conversely, life is short.  And if you’ve ever seen a retiree try negotiate the steps of Prague Castle, you know you don’t want to save your most adventurous traveling for your financially solvent, but psychically feeble golden years.  I know some of my more affluent girlfriends might opt to pay a larger share of the bill just to keep everybody happy, but something about that doesn’t sit quite right.  That sort of imbalance breeds resentment over time.RESENTMENTAt a minimum, before splurging, you gotta have a year of living expenses saved up, a maxed IRA contribution, no credit card debt, and the money for the splurge saved up separately.  Without those basics in order, approval for the purchase must be DENIED.  But then again, who am I to tell someone else how to spend his money?  If I limit my social invitations only to folks that fit into that aforementioned category of preparedness, I would be engaging in most activities alone.  It’s your money and ultimately you must decide how to negotiate the tightrope walk between adventure and safety net. TIGHTROPE