Category Archives: TIDY

35 day stretch…

CAM00343I’m working a 35 day uninterrupted stretch, and I really needed to clean my house today.  After triumphing over a vacuum repair, I was bummed to discover my washing machine is on the fritz.  As the device is less than a year old, this glitch makes me frown.  At least my house is clean now, even if I can’t do laundry.  I ain’t got time for testy appliances.  Fuck a boyfriend, I need a handyperson.FIX IT

After the premiere last night, I needed to sleep on my feelings about the new RHNY Housewife Kristen Taekman.  In a word – vacant.  Would it kill Andy to cast a intelligent woman to raise the discourse above girlish clichés and screeching hysteria?  I hate to say it, but since Bethenny left the RHNY the show has been extra boring and super fake.RHNY S 6People keep coming up to me and complaining of a sore throat.  I ask them if they have humidifiers.  They never do.  That’s why your throat hurts!  Moisten the air fool.HUMIDIFY

every last fee refunded

4 HUNDREDAs I predicted, Chase refunded every last fee ($444 total).  I’m very grateful to the ladies who reviewed my account and agreed to the refund.  I recognize in doing so they made a huge exception on my behalf.  Interestingly, they agreed to the refund under the condition I not take my business elsewhere after I received the fee credit.  Fair enough, I thought.  When I actually considered the hassle involved with getting all my direct deposits and automatic debits changed to a new (probably equally shady) financial institution, I figured it wasn’t worth it if I was ultimately getting what I asked for.  Plus, I admire her for bluntly asking if I was going to remain a customer instead of muddling around in corporate jargon.  Furthermore, in owning my own culpability in the situation, I should have noticed the slow siphoning of funds YEARS ago.  I handled the conflict with kind persistence, and it literally paid off.  As an added bonus, since I uncharacteristically resisted the temptation to throw a hissy fit upon first discovering the news, I can still show my face at my local branch.    AT THE BANK

She Doesn’t Want Flowers

CAR WASHWash and gas the car.CLEAN BATHROOMClean the bathroom.MCGHEE BABYPrint and frame a photo.TORRES CHOCOLATEProcure the high-quality chocolate. MUFFINS IN BEDBreakfast in bed; blueberry muffins please.COUPLES YOGAPractice yoga together.WASH THE BEDLaunder the bedding.FUCKING HIPSTERS


Skills for Life: Just Keep Escalating…

CHASE STEALINGI adhere to the philosophy that life is mostly just a series of problems.  If you are particularly lucky you will experience tiny patches of peace in between.  I discovered today that Chase Bank has been charging me an undisclosed fee of $12 a month for most of the past four years.  This obviously made me fucking irate.  I went to talk to the ladies at the bank.  They give you the same story.  “We can take off three months worth of fees as a courtesy.”  Most people would be satisfied with this crumb.  Me, I escalate.  Kindly, I thanked entry-level customer service representative for her help and her willingness to refund some of the fees.  I informed her I would not accept a partial refund.  If she could not offer me a full refund of the fees, then I wanted to talk to someone who could.  Up to the next level, bank manager, she had the authority to refund 8 months of fees which I graciously thanked her for, but still would not accept.  Let me speak to your supervisor if you can’t refund all the fees.  Then I got the regional manager’s number.  I will deal with her Monday morning, but I’m willing to wager that I’ll get all the fees refunded before this is over.  You don’t have to yell.  You don’t have to fuss.  You don’t have to insult those working for minimum wage.  Exhaust the resources of the person you are dealing with and then move up the ladder.  Keep moving until you get someone who has the power to give you what you want.  Of course, sweetly reminding them that you have no problem “exercising your rights under the arbitration clause” accelerates the process.  Subtle threats to complain to the appropriate regulatory body also works well.  If all else fails, let them know you will be contacting the Better Business Bureau.  Conduct yourself with poised professionalism under all circumstances, but remain unrelenting in holding them accountable for their shady business practices.  And yeah, I’m looking at you Chase.CHASE INK

Sparkle Tooth

TOOTH CRYSTALTo paraphrase Cher Horowitz, I don’t mean to be a traitor to my generation or anything, but I just don’t get the sparkle tooth trend.  A few of my friends have appeared with gems on their incisors and it totally freaks me out.  I obsessively stare at the sparkly spot.  It’s distracting in the worst possible way.TOOTH GEM INCISORWho wants to draw attention to a random tooth?  From an aesthetic perspective I find the practice distastefully confounding.  From a hygienic standpoint, it’s repulsive.  I fully support your right to self-expression, but can we not with the tooth gems please?   MAKE MONEY TOOTH


PLACKERS TWIN LINEI admit my commitment to flossing is sporadic, but I have gotten a lot more consistent in the last few months upon my discovery of Plackers Twin-Line Dental Flossers.  Most individual flossers shred between the first two molars.  Plackers are remarkably durable and resistant to breakage.  The twin line does a particularly thorough job of cleaning between teeth.  The flossers also have this hinging poker to access hard to reach places around the gums.  PLACKERS MICRO MINT

i resolve…

LISTENI resolve to listen.TAKE BETTER CAREI resolve to take better care of myself. OLD RESENTMENTSI resolve to let go of old resentments.DAILY POST

I resolve to post everyday because you bitches yell at me when I skip a day and I love you for it.

WORK HARDER AND SMARTERI resolve to work harder and smarter.DETACHI resolve to remain detached from the outcome.  LOVE V FEARI resolve to make decisions based on love and not fear.

Dirty Dinner with Dez

DEZI love my friend Dez.  She’s one of the most generous, kind, and attentive friends in my circle.  I was utterly delighted when she asked me to dinner last night at a nearby bar.  This place isn’t fancy, but I wouldn’t call it a “dive” per se.  Local bar.  Bar food.  Hipsters, but still sports on screens.  You get it.  THE WHORNETSo Dez orders her buffalo burger, and I order my veggie burger.  The dry house-made black bean burger is not spectacular, but palatable.  I didn’t specifically ask, but Dez seemed content enough with her buffalo meat.  Neither of us finished our food, but we didn’t send it back either.  BURGERAs we are winding up our meal, a shocked and curious look came over Dez’s face.  My back was to a long row of windows facing the street, so I figured one of her Plenty-of-Fishermen passed by or something.


“There’s a roach on the wall.”  She replied calmly.  Dez is a fantastic nurse, so she knows how to maintain composure when lesser women might squeal with girlish horror.  I turned and at shoulder height, in no particular rush, was an inch long roach.  I immediately switched seats away from our little friend and stared incredulously at its unmitigated gall.  This isn’t the roach prom, why are you out here parading around little guy?ROACH PROMWe had already turned our payment over to the waitress.  She brought around our charge slips.  I pulled her in closer, looked her in the eyes, and said “there’s a roach on the wall.”  She looked up and said, “Oh, I’ll tell the manager.”  WAITRESSAnd that was it.  No reaction.  No capturing and killing of the roach.  No apologetic manager.  No apologetic waitress.  No begging to keep this little incident off Yelp.  Concerning non-reaction, no?CLOSED

woo. snow day

SNOW DAY GOLD PUMPSSome women like to receive flowers.  Some ladies enjoy a gift of lingerie.  When it comes to small gestures of woo, I get swoony when you clean the snow off my car.  I hate chiseling the ice off my Gertie, especially when I spent all that time getting cute for the day.  I’m grateful for gifts, but it’s the simple daily devotions of kindness that keep me interested.  Seriously, snow removal is so sexy.     SNOW REMOVAL