Category Archives: TIDY

To Complain or not to Complain?

JANE LANEWhen should we complain?  That’s the question of the moment.  In 2015, We are already mired in passive aggressive energy courtesy of the Year of the Sheep.  That means we are all in for a lot of subtle bitching both serving and getting served in the complaint department.  When you are as critical as I can be, there are always areas of dissatisfaction.  When is it worth it to express that dissatisfaction and expect a meaningful response?POINTLESSThe following unsatisfactory situations recently occurred.  Which would you complain about and which would you just suck up without complaint?

1) I visited a waxer.  After less than 15 minutes on her table, she declared me “finished.”  She did not remove enough hair to actually clear my bikini line.  The line between the crease and the thigh still had hair.  She did not even go a quarter of an inch inside the crease.  The treatment cost $37 for a “classic bikini wax.”  Request more removal or leave hairy and dissatisfied?YOU MOCK MY PAIN

2) I checked into a hotel room and hair from the last guest was all over the floor and bathtub.  Criticize housekeeping or clean up the mess?AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME

3) My dentist urged me to spend big money on a bite analysis and revision.  After thousands of dollars my bite still didn’t feel right and my teeth uncomfortably bumped together.  Furthermore, at my last cleaning, the technician didn’t polish my teeth.  Fuss or suffer?GETTING IN TO4) My neighbors are door slammers.  Bitch to the HOA or endure the clamor?LOUD NOISESHow did you answer to each of these scenarios?  Here are my answers: 1) didn’t request a waxing revision; 2) hate-cleaned it myself; 3) made him fix it (I basically paid for a chunk of his kid’s college last year for what I spent in his office); 4) haven’t notified the HOA….yet. THIS IS BORING

Hell Hath Frozen: I quit weed.

PASS THE DUTCHIEYou read it right.  I quit Mary Jane.  It has only been 7 days, but the first week is the hardest, right?  (Fuck, I hope so.)  I’ve been smoking grass for 20 years.  I’ve had a hardcore daily habit for at least 10 years.  Bong hits for breakfast; bong hits for lunch; bong hits before bed; that was the routine for a decade.  Since I was a high-functioning addict, I managed to graduate university and law school with high honors, and pass the bar on the first try.  I was able to hold down professional jobs stoned.  Nobody knew or they didn’t care.  I’ve driven everywhere stoned.  I’ve engaged with parents, professors, bosses, and law enforcement high.  During virtually all my interactions with friends and lovers, I’ve been under the influence of our green leafy friend.INNER WEED BABYWhile universally supportive, the first response most of my friends had when I told them I quit was, “why?”  I found this question interesting, since my friends know gawddam well that I’m probably the biggest fucking stoner they know.  Isn’t it obvious why?  Let’s start with the sharp pain in my ribs that felt even more intense and persistent after a day pulling tubes.  The wheeze I developed with a quick intake of breath was certainly cause for concern.  Top it off with a tight uncomfortable choking feeling around my throat and thyroid.  Physically, my body has been saying “stop” for some time.  Well, enough is enough.  I’m a grown-ass woman.  Beyond the physical ramifications, I don’t want to be enslaved or addicted to anything.  Addiction robs you of freedom and self-control.  Whether I’d like to admit it or not, many of my decisions were motivated by a desire to serve my addiction.  What a waste of time, energy, and money.WASTE OF MONEYI ain’t gonna front like it has been easy.  This week, I’ve been a really big bitch.  My fuse is short.  I’m impatient.  I’m annoyed.  That’s because I’m having to cope with those unpleasant feelings I’ve been avoiding for the past 20 years.  Sleeplessness, mental confusion, and lack of appetite haven’t helped my mood.  I’m sweat detoxing and stink.  It’s really not a good look – except for those 5 lbs I’ve lost just in time for my trip to Grand Cayman.DETOXLook, my ex would get really sanctimonious and judgmental every time he quit weed, and then like clockwork three months later he’d be asking me for the bong.  I’m not about that hypocritical bullshit.  What you do with your body and your life is your business.  However, if you are contemplating a change in your life – whether it be smoking, drinking, eating, or whatever your addiction, I encourage you to get a hold of the situation.  While difficult, it isn’t as hard as you think.  All rationalizations and expensive rehabs aside, for most (who don’t require medical supervision to detox, eehhm alcohol and benzos) it really just boils down to a decision to quit.  Quitting requires courage, fortitude, and commitment, but once you do, you’ll not only be free of your addiction, you will know what you are made of for the rest of your life.ENOUGH

 

wind machine

FANThe solution is so simple.  I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before.  A working window in the bathroom is ideal, but a luxury for most.  Those of us with interior bathrooms or those blessed with glass exposure, but not openable windows must devise a strategy for airing out the bathroom.  Overhead exhaust fans don’t really cut it.  Especially if you are trying to air out a really steamy room after a nice hot shower.  I put an antique-style fan in my bathroom and love how it clears the steam, odors, and heat efficiently.  Air movement discourages the growth of mildew and mold, and the white noise provides a nice privacy buffer.  Getcha a wind machine, girl. ANTIQUE LASKO FAN

Demeter Clarc Tidy Tip: Scour

S.O.S.Know what I love, but sometimes forget to stock in my own cleaning arsenal?  Steel wool scouring pads, that’s what.  It’s so basic, right?  Yet how many of you employ this heavy artillery when needed?  Thinking they are too abrasive and scratch surfaces?  That hasn’t been my experience.  I find they make light work of hard and gross chores.  In the past couple of weeks, I’ve used these handy scrubbers for the following purposes:

1) remove melted cheese from dishes;

2) clean the persistent baked on gunk from the flat top stove;

3) lift baked-on sauce from porcelain bowls.

Use a soapy scouring pad until it gets gross or loses it’s suds.  Then pitch it.  They are the ideal cleaning product for commitment-phobes.  BRILLO

 

 

 

Skills for Life: Tiny Cleaning Crew

TINY TOWN BOYLast week, I went on the cutest date with the best man to Tiny TownTiny Town is comprised of a ton of little dollhouses and has a little train you can ride around the modest grounds.  We arrived early before the crowds and commenced our tour of Tiny Town.  As we got toward the back of the colony of dollhouses, I noticed two girls.  The older girl looked about nine years old and the younger one around seven.  They had a bucket and squeegee and were cleaning off the exterior of the tiny houses.  I watched and listened to the diminutive cleaning crew working.  As they cleaned the dirt off the dollhouse windows one by one, I heard the older girl explaining to the younger girl that the water was getting dirty and needed to be changed.  They weren’t complaining, worked together without conflict, and encouraged each other to rally when they got tired.  I was super impressed.  Not only were these girls participating in age-appropriate chores, but the older girl was mentoring the younger girl by teaching her cleaning skills for life.  There was no direct adult supervision, and there didn’t need to be because these two young ladies were clearly raised with a sense of responsibility.  TINY TOWN TWO GIRLSYesterday, during my teeth cleaning, I was listening to my hygienist bitch about her step-children – two girls – ages ten and twelve who are spoiled brats with zero responsibility.  These girls respect no one because they have never been taught respect.  They have no life skills because no one ever taught them how to pick up after themselves.  As a result, the girls are ungrateful and bored because they have no appreciation for responsibility.  Parents who shelter their children from work are doing their kids a great disservice.  Find age-appropriate tasks and teach your children early on that life is a balance between work and fun.  Prepare your children for the reality of life not your fantasy of an ideal childhood.  Teach them self-soothing skills and self-sufficiency, so you don’t end up gifting the world with your useless, lazy, spoiled, entitled, and ungrateful offspring.  Yeah, I sound judgmental, but when it comes to parenting – if you aren’t going to do it right, don’t do it at all. TINY TOWN KID

Make an Ugly Chair Cute

 

I had this chair lying around in disrepair.  The loose seat needed screws, and the cushion wore a tragic 80’s country colonial hell fabric.  

Still solid and sturdy, this chair just needed a new sexy outfit.  Unscrew the seat and remove.  Gather a substantial stapler, staples, and scissors. 149“Know your colors and know your fabrics.  That’s what I tell all my little girls.”  Cut your fabric with enough extra to staple, but not so much it covers the screw holes. Staple that bitch. Screw her back together.  Flip her right side up and admire the transformation.

Dark, rich, printed fabrics are more forgiving for slobs like me.  I purchased 3/4 of a yard and had quite a bit left over intentionally.  Buy enough that you can arrange the print on the cushion as you like it.

A vast improvement, no?  I love to restore beauty.

Demeter Clarc Tidy Tips: unexpected fixes

WRAPPING DRESSER1) Old dressers wonderfully organize gift wrap, boxes, tissue, and ribbons. GIFT WRAP DRAWERPAINTED SCREW

2) If you are struggling to remove a painted-on screw, use nail polish removing pads to soften the paint and catch a groove.

NAIL POLISH REMOVER PADS

3) Use days-of-the-week pill organizers to individually house small jewelry.PILL ORGANIZER

4) Instead of plastic, just use (and reuse) one paper apple bag for all your produce purchases.  PAPER PRODUCE BAG

 

 

hausplantz

TALL SUCCULENTI enjoy a houseplant.  I just recently repotted a few that had outgrown their containers and it tickled me to no end.  I tell you, it’s the little things.

SPIDER PLANT REPOT

Folks spend a fortune on fancy air purifying systems.  We buy low VOC paint.  Parents work to eliminate every microbe and allergen from their child’s room.  We make things too complicated.  A few scattered houseplants will purify the air while producing oxygen.  Some plants are better at cleaning the indoor air than others, but mercifully these inexpensive and widely available varieties grow easily.

Spider SPIDER PLANT WHITE POT

Removes: benzene, formaldehyde, carbon monoxide and xylene

Snake SNAKE PLANT

Removes: formaldehyde

MumMUM

Removes: benzene

English IvyENGLISH IVY

Removes: airborne fecal matter, formaldehyde

Aloe Vera ALOE VERA

Removes: formaldehyde, benzene

HOUSEPLANTS

fuck faux pas: half-full magnum

MAGNUMDear Gentlemen,

Please don’t show up to fuck with Magnum-sized condoms when you have a pint-sized dick. 

Much Appreciated,

♥DCTOO BIG CONDOM