Category Archives: TIDY

Make an Ugly Chair Cute

 

I had this chair lying around in disrepair.  The loose seat needed screws, and the cushion wore a tragic 80′s country colonial hell fabric.  

Still solid and sturdy, this chair just needed a new sexy outfit.  Unscrew the seat and remove.  Gather a substantial stapler, staples, and scissors. 149“Know your colors and know your fabrics.  That’s what I tell all my little girls.”  Cut your fabric with enough extra to staple, but not so much it covers the screw holes. Staple that bitch. Screw her back together.  Flip her right side up and admire the transformation.

Dark, rich, printed fabrics are more forgiving for slobs like me.  I purchased 3/4 of a yard and had quite a bit left over intentionally.  Buy enough that you can arrange the print on the cushion as you like it.

A vast improvement, no?  I love to restore beauty.

Demeter Clarc Tidy Tips: unexpected fixes

WRAPPING DRESSER1) Old dressers wonderfully organize gift wrap, boxes, tissue, and ribbons. GIFT WRAP DRAWERPAINTED SCREW

2) If you are struggling to remove a painted-on screw, use nail polish removing pads to soften the paint and catch a groove.

NAIL POLISH REMOVER PADS

3) Use days-of-the-week pill organizers to individually house small jewelry.PILL ORGANIZER

4) Instead of plastic, just use (and reuse) one paper apple bag for all your produce purchases.  PAPER PRODUCE BAG

 

 

hausplantz

TALL SUCCULENTI enjoy a houseplant.  I just recently repotted a few that had outgrown their containers and it tickled me to no end.  I tell you, it’s the little things.

SPIDER PLANT REPOT

Folks spend a fortune on fancy air purifying systems.  We buy low VOC paint.  Parents work to eliminate every microbe and allergen from their child’s room.  We make things too complicated.  A few scattered houseplants will purify the air while producing oxygen.  Some plants are better at cleaning the indoor air than others, but mercifully these inexpensive and widely available varieties grow easily.

Spider SPIDER PLANT WHITE POT

Removes: benzene, formaldehyde, carbon monoxide and xylene

Snake SNAKE PLANT

Removes: formaldehyde

MumMUM

Removes: benzene

English IvyENGLISH IVY

Removes: airborne fecal matter, formaldehyde

Aloe Vera ALOE VERA

Removes: formaldehyde, benzene

HOUSEPLANTS

fuck faux pas: half-full magnum

MAGNUMDear Gentlemen,

Please don’t show up to fuck with Magnum-sized condoms when you have a pint-sized dick. 

Much Appreciated,

♥DCTOO BIG CONDOM

I don’t want to pet your dog

EVA MENDES DOGIt’s that time of year again, the weather is warm and all the dog owners have their canines on parade.  Other than shitting everywhere and the occasional mauling, I have no real problem with dogs.  Their owners, well that’s another story.  I have a friend who compulsively pets every dog she sees.  Hiking with this girl can take an extra minute depending on how many dogs we encounter.  I understand dog people meet each other this way, but I don’t want to pet your dog.  When I don’t bend down to gush, owners look at me like I’m calling their firstborn child retarded.  Today, this girl had her puppy leashed to the fence during lunch – obviously baiting us with puppy cuteness.  She acted annoyed when people “interrupted” her to fuss over her adorable babydog.  You’re the one rolling one puppy deep on a sunny Saturday you attention-seeking bitch.  Eyeroll.     RIHANNA OLIVERBack in college, I had this dumbass friend Marisha who was wandering around the city one hot summer day.  A dog was locked inside a car with the windows cracked.  Well-meaning Marisha, concerned for the pup, administered water from her plastic water bottle through the window crack.  During the attempted hydrating, the ungrateful twatdog bit her hand.  Moral of the story: other people’s dogs aren’t for you.

DOG IN CARAnd pick up your pooch poo.PICK UP POO

over it

DCIM100GOPRO

I’m so over fucking Coachella, Burning Man, and any other bullshit that involves a hoard of entitled fuckers eating drugs in the desert pretending it’s art.

COACHELLA LAMEI’m so over Game of Thrones.  Dragon dearth.GAME OF THRONES DRAGON

I’m so over guys who only care about their own orgasm.  The girls in the porn aren’t actually climaxing you lazy, delusional douche.

SELFISH IN BED

I’m so over Jenelle Evans getting pregnant.

JENELLE EVANS PREGS

I’m so over Sonja Evans describing her outdated, ill-fitting ensembles by listing the designers.  “It’s Oscar.”  It’s ugly.

SONJA MORGAN

I’m so over people throwing cigarette butts everywhere.  As if the smoking isn’t gross enough.

 

 

 

 

35 day stretch…

CAM00343I’m working a 35 day uninterrupted stretch, and I really needed to clean my house today.  After triumphing over a vacuum repair, I was bummed to discover my washing machine is on the fritz.  As the device is less than a year old, this glitch makes me frown.  At least my house is clean now, even if I can’t do laundry.  I ain’t got time for testy appliances.  Fuck a boyfriend, I need a handyperson.FIX IT

After the premiere last night, I needed to sleep on my feelings about the new RHNY Housewife Kristen Taekman.  In a word – vacant.  Would it kill Andy to cast a intelligent woman to raise the discourse above girlish clichés and screeching hysteria?  I hate to say it, but since Bethenny left the RHNY the show has been extra boring and super fake.RHNY S 6People keep coming up to me and complaining of a sore throat.  I ask them if they have humidifiers.  They never do.  That’s why your throat hurts!  Moisten the air fool.HUMIDIFY

every last fee refunded

4 HUNDREDAs I predicted, Chase refunded every last fee ($444 total).  I’m very grateful to the ladies who reviewed my account and agreed to the refund.  I recognize in doing so they made a huge exception on my behalf.  Interestingly, they agreed to the refund under the condition I not take my business elsewhere after I received the fee credit.  Fair enough, I thought.  When I actually considered the hassle involved with getting all my direct deposits and automatic debits changed to a new (probably equally shady) financial institution, I figured it wasn’t worth it if I was ultimately getting what I asked for.  Plus, I admire her for bluntly asking if I was going to remain a customer instead of muddling around in corporate jargon.  Furthermore, in owning my own culpability in the situation, I should have noticed the slow siphoning of funds YEARS ago.  I handled the conflict with kind persistence, and it literally paid off.  As an added bonus, since I uncharacteristically resisted the temptation to throw a hissy fit upon first discovering the news, I can still show my face at my local branch.    AT THE BANK

She Doesn’t Want Flowers

CAR WASHWash and gas the car.CLEAN BATHROOMClean the bathroom.MCGHEE BABYPrint and frame a photo.TORRES CHOCOLATEProcure the high-quality chocolate. MUFFINS IN BEDBreakfast in bed; blueberry muffins please.COUPLES YOGAPractice yoga together.WASH THE BEDLaunder the bedding.FUCKING HIPSTERS