This past weekend I was reminded just how much I hate buffets. The worst is when you have to balance a plate, utensils, and fill your dish without dropping anything. What is more unappetizing than industrial-sized containers of food that bunches of other people have breathed over? Buffets feel so dirty and contaminated. 
Messy motherfuckers (like me) leave a nasty trail from serving dish to plate. Others pile everything on their plate like they are hording for the apocalypse. 
And let’s be honest, buffet food is never that tasty or adequately hot or cold. To make a bad situation worse, after completing the undignified process of lining up and scooping your own dinner, look forward to navigating the humiliation-rich minefield of obstacles standing between you and an empty seat. Don’t forget your drink, buffet bitches.
Please join the barffet boycott.
I’ve been away all summer under some pretty bleak circumstances, but the joint where I’m staying has a central vacuum system that is the absolute shit. 
I destroy vacuums at an alarming rate. Inexpensive or high-end, none can withstand the abuse of a long-haired neat freak. Within a short time the roller brush becomes completely tangled and immobile. Cutting the accumulation is ineffective, and I speak from personal experience when I warn you that attempting to burn the hair off is also ill-advised. 
Rather than moving a vacuum up and down and all around, central vacuums work through an internal duct system installed throughout the home. All one has to carry is the long hose and the handle attachment. Plug the end into the special central vac outlets installed around the home, and sweep your little ass off. The dust and dirt travel to a canister – usually located in the garage or basement – which gets periodically emptied.
Not going to lie, lugging the tubing around can be a tad laborious, but the suction power of this baby seriously trumps that of traditional sweepers. The simple design and lack of mechanical parts in the attachment system means that there isn’t much that hair can wind around and immobilize. 
Over time mineral deposits build up on the inside of a tea kettle which make it less efficient and visually unappealing. 
Some prefer to dilute the vinegar with water before boiling it in the kettle. Take into account the degree of build-up and weaken or strengthen the mix accordingly.
Once the vinegar reaches a boil, turn the heat down slightly to maintain a controlled bubbling. 
After at least ten minutes, remove the kettle from heat and let the vinegar slightly cool. Rather than pitching the vinegar, consider using the warm solution to clean faucets or shower heads caked with limescale. 
This easy and inexpensive method leaves kettles sparkling. Afterward, be sure to boil a few rounds of plain water to rid the kettle of any lingering vinegar taste or smell. Coffee drinker? Vinegar works equally well to descale coffee pots. 
As the sun revs up for summer, clean your windows and bathe in the brightness that shines through polished glass.
For optimal results, try enjoyable Sprayway Glass Cleaner paired with lint-free flour sack towels. 
Martha would have your ass out there with a squeegee, but a more realistic, if less effective method is to spray the exterior windows with a high pressure hose. The lazy approach results in spotting, but an intense spray will remove the dust and considerably improve the amount of light that shines though. Go back over key windows with the Sprayway for spectacular results. 
Don’t forget the car windows, inside and out! Seriously, when is the last time you cleaned out your car? 
Don’t expect to see any “spring cleaning” proclamations here. In the land of Demeter Clarc, cleaning is a daily activity, not just a seasonal one. 
One product in particular makes cleaning tolerable and even enjoyable: True Blues. “The Ultimate Household Gloves” protect hands, grip when wet, and allow for nimble dexterity. 
Even though they are called “True Blues,” they come in other colors. Recently, an equally cleaning-obsessed friend gifted me a purple pair and they have been put to good use every day since. (Merci Blanche)
Durable, comfortable, and essential, True Blues complete a cleaning kit. The far superiority of these gloves over cheaper versions justify the modest investment.
Dearest friend and DC fan Annie wrote asking an excellent question which combines two of my favorite topics: cleaning and yoga. Specifically, Annie wants to know how to clean her yoga mat.
Before we get into the how, let’s explore the why. Let me disgust, horrify, and hopefully motivate you. Warts, Athlete’s Foot, Ringworm and Staph are the most common yucky yoga mat squatters. Seriously, you put your face on that mat. Here are some recommendations for getting your saucha on.
The first cleaning choice is somewhat controversial – the washing machine. Some companies market their mats as machine washable, and this is certainly the most low maintenance option. Beware that mats of lesser quality may not stand up to the intensity of this method. Most recommend cold water, however hot water, a little detergent, and a skosh of bleach works best to disinfect and deodorize. Use the gentle cycle. Expect an extremely wet mat that may take a couple days to dry. Keep mat unrolled and in a well-ventilated place.
Rather obvious is the mat wipe down. This should be done at fairly regular intervals even if more vigorous cleaning methods are employed only occasionally. The question then becomes, which cleaning product to use? Having tried everything from Mrs. Meyers, diluted bleach, tea tree oil, Simple Green, and vinegar, rest assured that none of these concoctions are ideal for this specific task.
Recently, I randomly broke out the Scrubbing Bubbles Foaming Bathroom Cleaner and tried it on my mat to surprisingly excellent results. Unlike many other products, Scrubbing Bubbles doesn’t leave a residue, wipes away easily, and the foam reaches every indentation. Saturate mat with spray, allow product to stand for a few minutes and then dry thoroughly with a paper towel. Flip mat over onto a large towel and repeat on the other side. Place near a heating vent to dry completely.
During the winter, if you live in a cold climate, keep your yoga mat in the car. The below zero temperatures kill germs in between uses. Folks generally forget about the power of a deep freeze. This underrated disinfection method works for a variety of hard to clean items.
Also consider using a towel or Yogitoes as a hygienic barrier between you and your mat during your practice. For any kind of heated yoga, many consider Yogitoes an absolute requirement. In general, stay away from the essential oil based cleaners which tend to make mats slick.
Don’t ruin delightful bath time with disgusting towels. Donate those stringy, rough, hand-me-down towels and invest in luxurious bath sheets.
Standard bath towels measure 27 X 52 inches and don’t envelope the body the way a thick, yummy, 35 X 70 inch bath sheet does. Recently, a very discerning guest stopped by for a visit, and even he took notice of the magnitude, warmth, and absorbency of the mega-towel.
Charisma makes very enjoyable, soft, durable, non-linty bath sheets which can be obtained on sale for $20ish with a little detective shopping. Don’t ever pay full price for towels.
Since recommending that you change your sheets once a week sent bitches into a frenzy, advising you to refresh your bath towel at least every 2-3 days might start a riot.
Between the drinking, pre-meal snacking, dinner, and dessert, on average each American consumes between 3,000 – 4,500 calories on Thanksgiving. To put it in perspective, there are 3,500 calories in a pound. Can America really afford to gain another collective pound? 
Sex + Orgasm = approximately 200 calories burned, depending on ferocity.
Watching 1 hour of bad reality TV requires approximately 60 calories.
1 hour of power vinyasa yoga melts 500 calories.
Anyone with any fashion industry experience is well-acquainted with the Jiffy J-4000 garment steamer. Steaming is bitchwork for sure, but the J-4000 makes it almost enjoyable. Certainly, the steamer kicks the iron’s ass.
Don’t get cheap when buying a steamer. Steaming with an underpowered steamer is the most frustrating, tedious, and sweltering experience. You will be tempted to purchase the slightly less expensive J-2000, but you should waste neither time nor money on anything but what the professionals use — the Jiffy J-4000. Consider yourself warned and informed.
Why steam? Steaming deodorizes, removes wrinkles, and gently freshens garments. It is better for the environment than dry cleaning and ultimately far less expensive. Once you invest it a high quality steamer, you’ll be stymied how you lived so long without one. One word of advice – wear gloves and long sleeves when you steam. The steamer head gets super hot and burns like a motherfucker. 