Category Archives: TV

stupid is as stupid does

CAM00947You won’t even believe the dumbass thing I did.  I made a big ol’ batch of minestrone soup from scratch in my new porcelain soup pot.  I made enough to feed all the elves through the winter.  How much soup can one woman eat?  I dispatched the minestrone into resealable plastic bags to give some away.  When I placed the ziploc bags on the shelves of the freezer, it did occur to me as a fleeting thought that they could freeze in an irregular shape.  I did not think the bags would embed themselves into the shelves during the freezing process.  I was very wrong, so annoyingly wrong.  CAM00946The shelf wouldn’t come out, and the soup was frozen in from all angles.  How the fuck am I going to get out of this one?  I mulled over warming the soup with a hair dryer, boiling water, and shutting the fridge down overnight to thaw the bags.  In the end I used my garment steamer to soften the underside of the frozen soup until I could loosen it free from its frozen encumbrance.  These pictures are from midway through melting process.  Yes, this was a stupid mistake, but I neutralized my stupidity with a clever solution.  Idiot Savant.SO DUMB

I love you Leonard

MTV SLEDNECKSWhen I was in Vegas a few weeks ago, I got sucked into Slednecks, a reality show on MTV profiling the weather-beaten drunken youth of Alaska.  The doughy-ass boys aren’t cute, but they are endearing.  What’s the saying?  The odds are good, but the goods are odd.  You’d think with the Alaskan guy-to-girl ratio the girls would have some slimmer pickins.  For real, these dudes give whale blubber new meaning. TOSCA AND TREVOR SLEDNECKS Somehow most of the women remain bronzed, hard-bodied goddesses proving the technology of the spray tan has crept all the way to the Arctic Circle.  The women of Slednecks are fucking tough.  Like blow your couch up, crack a beer bottle over your head, push you down the stairs, knock you the fuck out tough.  All drunken shenanigans aside, the true treasure of the show is master boat-maker Leonard who dispenses old bear Alaskan wisdom like Yoda.  I love him.  I want to go to Alaska just so he can tell me I’m trouble.LEONARD SLEDNECKS

 

Admit Homeland Sux

HOMELAND SHARMA DANESIn general, the fall TV schedule has not wowed me with its genius, but this season of Homeland is downright offensive.  Was this show always so sexist and racist, and I was just too mesmerized by Claire’s windblown butterscotch layers to notice?  Seriously, put your hair in a ponytail once in awhile.  Bitch looks like she travels with Beyoncé’s wind machine.  More importantly, I hate that Carrie fucked to land an asset as if cooch-control it’s her only skill.  She’s supposed to be the head bitch in charge over there and she’s ranting around the office like a deranged lunatic even before the double dealer started fucking with her meds.  Are the racist depictions of Pakistani people not smacking you in the face?  To me, this… NUMAN ACAR

is as obviously racist

as this…BLACKFACE

Homeland = evil-ass propagandist show.

CARRIE HOMELAND

 

Bethenny’s Back at Bravo

BETHENNY AND ANDY COHENIn a last ditch effort to save the franchise, Bravo dug deep into their pockets to lure Bethenny Frankel back to the NYC Housewives next season.  Ugh.  Too little, too late, Bravo.  I have layered distaste for this desperate decision.  Yes, I do believe this stunt casting will temporarily spike the ratings, but after last season’s toilet ratings it would be hard to do worse.  Ramona’s implausible deniablility regarding the implosion of her marriage paired with that new basic blonde bitch made for a dud of a season.RAMONA

When it comes to Bethenny, what haven’t we seen her do?  We’ve watched her destroy friendships for fame, strike it rich, birth her daughter, exploit her marriage for ratings, divorce, and engage in a protracted nasty custody battle.  What do we have to look forward to?  Bethenny and her once-accused-rapist boyfriend walking hand and hand with little Bryn?  That should go over well.BETHENY MICHAEL BRYN

The main difference between the old Bethenny and new Bethenny is net worth.  Bethenny recounts that when she began with RHNY she was teetering towards broke.  Now she sitting on a pile of money looking down at everyone else.  This should create the most interesting shift in the dynamics among the women.  Filthy rich Bethenny has no reason to give a fuck about offending anyone.  I expect a deluge of snide criticism.  She doesn’t need the approval or allegiance of her castmates.  Her wealth keeps her good company.BETHENNY FRANKEL RICH

Rejoining an ensemble cast after a failed talkshow isn’t exactly a propulsive career move.  This is a woman who clearly wants her mug on the blogs whatever the cost to her dignity.  Apparently, it’s gotta be fame and fortune for Mizz Frankel.  It’s rumored one of the contingencies of Frankel agreeing to return was a no-Zarin clause which is unfortunate since Jill’s the only Housewife that could prove a worthy adversary to her former friend.

JILL ZARIN

 

dustbust

OG DUSTBUSTER BTTFBack in the glory of the 80’s, my family had a Dustbuster.  The hand-held vacuum was as revolutionary as the VCR.  When confronted with a dry spill, my spic-n-span mother would first gasp, then clutch her pearls, and then order me to fetch the Dustbuster!  It was my family’s version of Joan Crawford’sTina, bring me the ax” rant.  Eventually, the Dustbuster caught an unshakable funky smell, so we had to bid adieu.  Maybe these repressed mini-vac memories explain why it took me 25 years to buy my own hand-held.  Neat-freak that I am, I don’t understand how I went so long without the handy cleaning companion.  I hate vacuuming with the big vacuum so much.  Not only is it cumbersome and loud, but it doesn’t fit into every nook.  I love running the hand-held along, in the corners, and underneath.  I even employed it to suck the crumbs out of the bottom of the oven (when the heat was off, duh).  The little device tidies up a room quickly and efficiently without entering the weight-lifting portion of the competition with a hefty full-size vac.  I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to cheap appliances, so I bought the best Wal-mart had to offer: the Black & Decker 16v Dustbuster.  It sucks hard and brings me several satisfying intermittent cleaning moments everyday.BLACK AND DECKER DUSTBUSTER

read. saw. splurged

NOT THAT KIND OF GIRLObviously, I bought Lena Dunham’s book Not That Kind of Girl because I’m a voracious consumer of all of Dunham’s creative output.  It doesn’t disappoint.  Girls fans will enjoy retreading source material in what I guess you would call her first book of essays.  What I like most is her intelligent use of rarely used four letter words – example “ford the river.”GONE GIRLI sat through a matinee of Gone Girl with the AARP set today.  In case you haven’t heard, there’s Affleck and NPH peen involved.  It’s a totally serviceable adaptation; true to the novel and stylish, but the movie lacks the urgency I felt while reading the book.  At well over 2 dragging-ass hours, the movie could have benefited from an little edit to accelerate the overall pacing.  In reflecting back, the best part of the cinema experience was listening to the grayhairs chuckle at the preceding Fifty Shades of Grey trailer.LIPSHTICKDid you hear that Wendy Williams is doing another couple shows at the Venetian for their Lipshtick series?  With the exception of the Veggie House, I don’t love Las Vegas, but I do love Wendy Williams.  Snag a ticket and I’ll meet you there.  We’ll make it cute.WENDY WILLIAMS LIPSHTICK

 

the sentencing

TERESA AND JOE GIUDICEWhat do you think of the sentences handed down to Joe and Teresa Giudice?  I’m not a fan of stupidity, so I’ve never much cared for those two tacky trolls, but to envision Teresa attempting to flip a bolted-down table in a federal penitentiary is almost unimaginable.  As predicted, the judge set their sentences, 15 months for Teresa and 41 months for Joe, to run one after another so a parent is always home with girls.  Their eldest daughter Gia is 14, she’ll be out of high school and off to college (or the stripper pole) before her parents are done with their tag-team incarceration.  For the next 5 years, the girls will be living with one parent while the other parent is in prison.  That’s fucked.  At least Teresa’s well-prepared.  Could any other show better train you for the clink than The Real Housewives of New Jersey?  Even though her bitch-fighting skills may be well-honed, I still recommend she perfect her jailhouse Fabellini recipe before (to quote Apollo Nida) going “asunder.”  TERESA GIUDICE FABELLINIAs for that little meatball Joe, I’m concerned for him and his ability to stomach prison.JOE GIUDICEDo you think these two will stay married through the dark days?  I believe they will.  When you are in the shit that deep with someone, how do you leave?  Conversely, some gossips are saying Joe threw Teresa under the bus and that their marriage is destroyed.  TERESA AND JOE WEDDINGAs for the future of the Real Housewives of New Jersey franchise, do you think the shamelessly desperate-for-ratings Andy Cohen will march Dina Manzo down to the prison for a little OITNB visitation moment?  I’m simultaneously disgusted and interested in such a notion, and that makes me feel a little dirty.  In preparation for her on-air visit, I visualize Teresa swarmed by a makeshift jailhouse glam squad attempting to thread her eyebrows with an unraveling sheet, affix her hair with Jolly Rancher hairspray, and lacquer her lips with Kool-Aid.TERESA MAKEUPAllegedly, Bravo has stalled filming the reunion until the sentences were handed down.  This strategy has understandably created some hostility.  In addition, there’s been talk of a contractually obligated first interview on Watch What Happens Live.  It’s Shakespearean that the very network that created the stars will be the same one to exploit and profit from all the gory details of their undoing.   GIUDICES WWHL

October 2014 Horoscopes

LibraLIBRA

Happy Birthday Libra!  Enjoy the warm glow of the sun shining on you during October.  Your flock has been rather needy lately, but this month focus on yourself and your own agenda.  Instead of trying to organize a self-fête, let your friends plan your birthday celebration.  Use Mercury’s retrograde to bathe in nostalgia; include a few pals from the past in your party.  Libras will feel the impact of the retrograde professionally.  Leave yourself extra time and patience to deal with the accompanying snafus.  Realize that the retrograde has a protective quality.  Should a situation that you’ve pinned your hopes on fall apart, consider it a blessing in disguise.  A lunar eclipse on the 8th strongly nudges Libra to make a decision with regard to your relationship.  The second eclipse on the 23rd shifts your standard of living.  You’re movin’ on up.  Dress the part.

 ScorpioSCORPIO

The month before your birthday is best spent resting and preparing for the excitement to come, Scorpio.  This restorative energy supports healing and closure.  With Mercury in retrograde for most of the month, work the backspinning energy to finish what’s undone and release whatever you need to let go.  Retire your bossy and assertive qualities in October in favor of quiet and easy-going because (unusually) you just won’t feel up to a fight.  Optimize your health on the lunar eclipse which lands on the 8th.  Use this energy to restore balance, clean up any personal messiness, and see a professional if you have any lingering concerns.  By the 23rd, the cocooning concludes and you are ready to step into the light of your birthday shine.  Caution: October is NOT the month for a radical alteration of your physical appearance.

 SagittariusSAG

October yields numerous social benefits as Sagittarius acts as unofficial cruise director for the rest of the zodiac.  Gee wiz, with Mercury in retrograde and two different eclipses occurring this month, we could all use a little levity.  The best connections come from situations where you are selflessly giving of your time, talent, and resources.  Embrace an “out with the old in with the new” philosophy when it comes to relationships.  A person in your sphere may be dicking around working unscrupulous angles behind your back.  If the situation smells fishy, pass on the sushi.  This is a terrible month to rely heavily or exclusively on technology.  Have a secondary plan in place should your device fail you.

 CapricornCAP

October spells achievement for Capricorn.  No aim is too high.  Go for it because success is likely with the sun illuminating your professional accomplishments.  Mercury goes retrograde for most of this month.  This energy can cause disruptions in technology and communication, so be patient if your underlings spend most of the month pathetically thrashing around in their own chaos.  The first eclipse on the 8th is bound to influence the way you see your relationships.  A definitive answer will reveal itself clearly.  The second eclipse on the 23rd invites a new circle of friends into your life.  Single Caps may find a suitable partner among this new group.

 AquariusAQUARIUS

October has a conflicted agenda for you Aquarius.  You are imbued with an urge to fly free and travel, but grounded by the complications of pesky Mercury in retrograde which can really fuck up your travel plans.  Plan a getaway to commence after the 25th for your best luck in adventuring.  For sure you’ll want to flee because an uncomfortably tense work environment develops over the next month.  Avoiding the conflict or annoying person won’t work this time.  You’re gonna have to nut-up and address it lest it escalate further into a professional embarrassment.  The first eclipse of the month on the 8th drops unexpected news.  The second eclipse later in the month provides a fresh start at work.

 PiscesPISCES

October is best spent with your most trusted circle, Pisces.  Distribution of finances serves as a major theme this month.  Suddenly, you are very interested in where your money goes and with whom you share it.  Money plays out as a key issue in relationships – from whether you choose to partner to whether you opt to split.  Opportunities for passive income are great, just don’t get seduced by sketchy schemers offering you the world before you see a dime.  Use Mercury’s retrograde energy to seal up any old heartbreaks.  Reach out to make amends.  Avoid signing contracts this month as you are likely to miss important details.

Aries

ARIES

I wouldn’t call it flailing, but the last couple months haven’t been your most graceful, Aries.  October blows a crisp wind of change in your favor.  You return to your rightful place at the head of the pack where you express your individuality without reservation.  Especially interested getting noticed and heard, take effort to look your best.  Quality food and sleep make a substantive difference in your attitude and appearance.  Others notice you’re bursting with extra fruit flavor this month and want to get close for a taste.  The lunar eclipse in Aries happens on the 8th which will be one of your most auspicious days of the year, and therefore a perfect day for setting a plan into motion.  Drop any dead (relationship) weight before this day so as not to obstruct your good luck.

 TaurusTAURUS

Taurus loves a good organization sesh, and October is the perfect time to clean up the mess.  Which dark corners of your life could use a good sweep, Taurus?  Are you fat?  Are you living in filth?  Is your credit shameful?  Of course not, you’re perfect, right?  You work well within the structure of a system, just keep it simple.  When you over-complicate you’re less likely to follow through.  Mercury’s retrograde tosses in the standard communication complications this month, but it’s nothing you can’t handle with your trademark patience.  The lunar eclipse is known for suddenly shifting energy, so change is on the menu for October especially in the realm of healing.

 GeminiGEMINI

October brings big fun Gemini!  You are especially attractive and bold this month.  Choose among your many admirers.  Mercury retrogrades for most of the month.  For Gemini this backspin manifests in saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person.  A verbal lapse in judgment could cost you dearly.  Curtail your gossipy nature this fall.  The lunar eclipse promises a healthy dose of like-it-or-not change.  Expect to clean out your friendship circle under the influence of this eclipse in particular.  On the 23rd, take proactive steps to protect your health.  Administrate kid!  Become the Tracy Flick of your own life.

 CancerCANCER

Snug in at home this October, Cancer.  While you’re staring at the wall, rearrange the furniture so you can stare at a different one.  Funnel your energy into a home makeover, it’s a lot more constructive than most of your other self-soothing activities.  From October 4-25, Mercury goes retrograde and travel plans delay, communication breaks down and electronics glitch.  Draw upon your most saintly patience and wait out the storm.  Provide yourself options in the event you’re stranded.  Wrap yourself up in nostalgia to take your mind off annoying retrograde-related distractions.  October makes a great month to catch up with old allies.

 Leo

LEO

Speak your truth, Leo!  October makes an excellent time for devout honesty.  Expect October to fly by with a ton of responsibility and opportunities for fun.  Get your best fall outfit together and go get ‘em.  You catch wind of a number of inspiring ideas from interesting people during your myriad engagements.  Mercury goes retrograde and with all the possible complications, there are definitely better times to travel, contract, and communicate crucial information.  That said, life can’t grind to a halt based on one little backspining planet, so take the proper precautions, back up your data and march ahead soldier.  With regard to relationships, Leo feels this retrograde in dealings with a female relative this month.  Say what needs to be said Lion – after all your theme this month is devout honesty!  Just take a cue from the retrograde and pause a beat before you go hard on anyone.  Some words can’t be unsaid.

 Virgo

VIRGOPrioritize work this October, Virgo.  Always industrious, October’s work focus allays some of your post-birthday financial anxiety.  As you may have heard, Mercury goes retrograde for most of October and that means electronics glitch, planes delay, and contracting should be avoided.  In addition to the retrograde, a pair of eclipses – a lunar on the 8th and a new moon on the 23rd – cause quite a reckoning.  The first event forces blunt endings to unsatisfying situations, especially shitty relationships.  The second of these two celestial events makes an ideal time for seeding a dream into a future reality.

cut the cord

COMCAST SUXAfter a series of escalating bills and shitty service, I finally told the cable company, Satan’s subsidiary, to suck my left one today when I turned in my DVR for good.  I cut the cord and it feels damn good.  I only watch 4 channels anyway (albeit obsessively), so what’s the point in paying for 995 others?  Yes, there will be sacrifices – the most painful among them letting go of my daily dose of Wendy Williams.  Virtually everything else I watch is available online anyway.  RokuChromecast.  There are numerous options for leveraging the internet into your main television content provider.  Speaking of watching online, you know Downton Abbey’s currently airing in the U.K.?  The premiere episode was a doozy.  Edith deserves a good finger-wagging.  OH EDITH