Category Archives: TV

March 2015 Horoscopes

Pisces

PISCES
Happy Birthday Pisces!  It’s your turn to dance with the Sun in March, and the warm embrace couldn’t come a moment sooner as far as you’re concerned.  You already understand your capacity for visionary dreams, but execution isn’t your strength.  The universe provides Pisces that added kick of power in March to actually effectuate on those lofty ambitions.  Even during this auspicious time, a bitch fight between Pluto and Uranus bleeds aggravation and tension into mid-March like an unwelcome crampy period.  The lesson for you Little Fish is how to not give a fuck about what other people think or let their opinions navigate your swim.  Instinctively, you know the right way.  Don’t let the crushing pressure of conformity dim your creativity or cause you to compromise your true values.

Aries

ARIES
With the Sun in Pisces, the universe wants you to rest now, Aries, and you are happy to oblige.  Blame it on the long, cold, winter.  Sift through the past twelve months for unresolved anguish.  Give yourself the gift of dissolving that angst before we move into your time to shine later this month and into the next.  Doing so will provide you the clarity you need to determine your next major leap.  If you can afford it, hire someone to tidy your home.  You’ll feel so much better in an organized space, but you won’t have the time or inclination to do it yourself this March.  The acrimony between Uranus and Pluto influences your feelings about authority this month.  If someone is making you his little bitch, it’s because you are letting him.

Taurus

TAURUS
Your theme this March is teamwork, Taurus.  The Sun activates collaborative energy and adds a buzzy quality to your social and professional interactions.  March is a get-shit-done month for you, Taurus, during which you demonstrate your efficiency, effectiveness, and most valuable qualities.  Your best day for self-confidence is March 5th.  When you feel good about yourself others notice, so don’t be surprised if a little recognition or flirtation gravitates your way.  The challenge for March is Pluto and Uranus at odds.  This conflicting energy calls into question your coping mechanism, which let’s be honest is just a euphemism for addiction.  Take responsibility.  Virtually nothing is in our control, Taurus, and accepting this precariousness is your ongoing challenge.

Gemini

GEMINI
Greetings Gemini, with the Sun in Pisces your focus in March is on how your career trajectory may or may not support your long-term ambitions.  Your ongoing resistance to change is a major source of frustration for you.  Gemini’s most fortuitous day this month is March 3rd.  March 5th is the best day to spend with your family tidying and nesting at home.  With regard to relationships, Gemini’s bound for a breakthrough or a break-up.  As for the Pluto/Uranus standoff, over the last few years you’ve been tied down and totally free.  Your emotional extremes have wrecked havoc on your relationships and financial stability.  A reckoning comes with Saturn’s retrograde when you realize just how disconnected you’ve become from the people who truly matter.

Cancer

CANCER
These last months have forced you to face some hard truths, Cancer.  Whether it’s loss, change, or disappointment, you’ve been a little melancholy over the finality of life’s harder lessons.  March brings a renewed optimism about what is possible with the resources available to you.  As you get over what you don’t have, you better appreciate your own abundance.  The first week of March brings an answer you’ve been waiting for.  Spend the 5th with your sibling.  On the 16th, the percolating tension between your personal life and your professional life simmers over into a mess.  You’ll be scrubbing off the residue for the rest of the month.  Saturn’s retrograde will make it impossible to ignore your ongoing health issues.

Leo

LEO

March proves more low-key for Leo.  Snugging up at home with your sweetie and waiting it out for spring sounds pretty good to most Lions this time year.  Your best career day falls on March 5th when a bonus, raise, or recognition is likely.  Pluto and Uranus call you out on your bullshit this month.  Any hyperbole on your part will be met with a cold splash of reality.  Don’t exaggerate on what you can deliver.  March is a good month to talk less and relax.  Do only the essential; contribute what is required.  Save your energy and resources for a time when you can navigate matters with more grace and efficiency, Leo.

Virgo

VIRGO
The light shines on your relationships in March, Virgo.  Even with all this delicious coupling, March 5th is your best day to go it alone.  Mid-month, an uncomfortably tense power struggle between Uranus and Pluto make it impossible for you to hide your true feelings.  Strip away the artifice lest you be stripped bare and caught defenseless.  Relax your retentive tendencies this March.  Talk a little less and listen with an open heart.  Such a strategy should get you cleanly through the thicket of possible misfortune.  Saturn’s retrograde triggers a reflection on your current home life.  Are you ready for a change?

Libra

LIBRA
Mundane March you might call it, Libra.  This month has you sweeping, mopping, dusting, and donating, all in service to your home.  While it may not be the sexiest use of your time, the very action of cleaning and sorting will inspire change in a number of other key areas of your life.  The hostility between Pluto and Uranus challenges family dynamics.  Aren’t you a little old for trying to please your folks?  You’ll never make them happy anyway, so just do you.  Yeah, you may experience a bit of a backlash, but don’t let it effect your self-worth.  Usher in the official start of spring with a commitment to a new and sustainable wellness plan.  Keep it simple and commit.

Scorpio

SCORPIO
March means well, Scorpio, with the stars aligning to shine a glamorous spotlight on you.  March 5th is your best day for connecting through technology which allows you to expand your reach and influence to a much broader audience.  Connect with your spiritual community.  Jupiter influences your career, especially the 3rd, when you may receive an unusual, but interesting professional opportunity that takes you away for awhile.  While at first, it seems outlandish, don’t discard the notion outright.  Pluto’s standoff with Uranus encourages Scorpio to soften your delivery.  Mid-month, no one will have any patience for one of your ill-timed barbs.  Don’t let a health concern become a health crisis.  The first day of Spring brings love and luck.

Sagittarius

SAG
For you Sag, March is a maternal, homebound time for family rooted in domesticity.  Bake a muffin, bitch.  When you’ve soaked up all the homespun charm you can handle, March 5th is your best career day where you finally start to net what you are worth.  Sags are prone to bouts of self-doubt.  The Pluto and Uranus pissing contest strikes a deep chord of insecurity.  Your challenge is to dig deep into your well of self-confidence.  You can’t be so easily rattled by life’s little divots.  Saturn is all up in your business for the next few years, and goes retrograde for a spell this month.  Saturn doesn’t allow for any short cuts.  Connections and nepotism aren’t going to get you there, but hard work will.

Capricorn

CAPRICORN
You are especially smart and intellectually nimble this March, Capricorn.  If you want to learn something new, this is the time to do it.  March 5th is your best day for travel and revelations.  Pluto’s been fucking with you a little bit, and this month he wedges his boot in your ass in a cosmic tug of war with Uranus.  You’ll feel the stress in your home and intimate relationships.  Stay out of the numerous power struggles taking place in your realm.  This isn’t the time to throw your weight around just because you’ve lost your temper.  If you lack the self-control to manage your temper, then just stay home and isolate, especially mid-month.  A few days alone would do you good, Capricorn.

Aquarius

AQUARIUS
After your birthday blowout last month Aquarius, the most basic and simple concerns come back into focus this March.  You take a good look at your incoming resources and your current expenditures and find an unsustainable imbalance.  An immediate raise may not be possible, but present yourself at work as if it were.  You never know.  Another option?  On March 5th, consider a merger either professional or personal that helps ease both parties’ economic burdens.  With Pluto and Uranus at odds, March isn’t an ideal month for big decisions like marriage or a new home.  This energy also makes you a bit snippy, so add an extra layer of icing to your conversational cake.

3 for Friday

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY1) The Fifty Shades of Grey movie is going to suck ass.  The books were a joke and the movie will be worse.  I don’t know who these hopeful presale bitches are breaking box office records.  Strike that, yes I do; the same bitches that bought tickets to that indefensible Twilight mess.  Charlie Hunnam really dodged a semi-sized dookie by dropping out of this project.  BRUCE JENNER2) Is it possible to support the courageous bravery of Bruce Jenner’s transition and still be a little unsettled by it?GARY SHIPLEY TEEN MOM3) Best product to come out of a reality show?  Teen Mom’s Gary Shipley launched his own line of prophylactics. GARY SHIPLEY CONDOM

 

On the Lam, Over the Threshold

GIUDICE PRISONTeresa Giudice spent her first night in federal prison last night.  Have you ever spent a night in jail?  It is so dirty and terrifying.  (No, I didn’t get a DUI.  I know what you are thinking – assault charge!)  I could not make it a year in jail.  The temporary nature and constant influx of inmates makes jail crazy chaos.  Federal prison is surely a more orderly and structured experience, but any style incarceration makes one day feel like one week.  Teresa’s sentenced to over year.  Another downside to fame, you can’t go on the lam.  I’d so be on the lam.  Sometimes I think about where I might lam off to.  Certainly not Mexico.  Iceland?  Switzerland?  Argentina?  Thailand?POKEY

DIAZ MADDENBenji and Cam got married.  Cammie D has been preaching the single girl gospel for years and now she runs off and marries some tubby third rate rocker who hasn’t seen a hit in a decade?  I’m so annoyed.  What’s next?  Fertility treatments?  So standard issue, Cam, really I’m disappointed.  I’m not surprised though, recently she has been looking really desperate, and it’s been one professional failure after another as of late.  Eh em, Annie.CAM ANNIE

 

Repressed Spousal Rage

GEMMA SOALook, I’m not trying to bore you with some belabored analysis of the SOA finale.  I know some of you (dudes) probably loved, loved, loved it.  But I can’t put it to bed without making a point about Kurt Sutter’s repressed spousal rage.  Did you notice his perverse enthusiasm for showing his wife in a body bag?  Get that lingering tight shot of them zipping up the morgue sack over her purple lips and gray skin.  The motivations behind writing the gruesome gang rape from earlier in the series could be easily chalked up to awards-baiting, and Katey did deserve recognition for her work in that season of SOA.  Such justifications don’t apply here.  It doesn’t take much in the way of acting to play dead.  Sutter presented numerous images of his lifeless wife; truly, gratuitously dead Gemma served up ten different ways.  GEMMA BODYBAG

I’m mad at you Kurt Sutter.

SOA FINALE

Girl please.  That’s what I’m thinking too.  We need to talk about that SOA series finale, but I’m going to give you a day or two to catch up, so I don’t spoil it for you.  If that’s possible.  Ugh.  SOA CAST

stupid is as stupid does

CAM00947You won’t even believe the dumbass thing I did.  I made a big ol’ batch of minestrone soup from scratch in my new porcelain soup pot.  I made enough to feed all the elves through the winter.  How much soup can one woman eat?  I dispatched the minestrone into resealable plastic bags to give some away.  When I placed the ziploc bags on the shelves of the freezer, it did occur to me as a fleeting thought that they could freeze in an irregular shape.  I did not think the bags would embed themselves into the shelves during the freezing process.  I was very wrong, so annoyingly wrong.  CAM00946The shelf wouldn’t come out, and the soup was frozen in from all angles.  How the fuck am I going to get out of this one?  I mulled over warming the soup with a hair dryer, boiling water, and shutting the fridge down overnight to thaw the bags.  In the end I used my garment steamer to soften the underside of the frozen soup until I could loosen it free from its frozen encumbrance.  These pictures are from midway through melting process.  Yes, this was a stupid mistake, but I neutralized my stupidity with a clever solution.  Idiot Savant.SO DUMB

I love you Leonard

MTV SLEDNECKSWhen I was in Vegas a few weeks ago, I got sucked into Slednecks, a reality show on MTV profiling the weather-beaten drunken youth of Alaska.  The doughy-ass boys aren’t cute, but they are endearing.  What’s the saying?  The odds are good, but the goods are odd.  You’d think with the Alaskan guy-to-girl ratio the girls would have some slimmer pickins.  For real, these dudes give whale blubber new meaning. TOSCA AND TREVOR SLEDNECKS Somehow most of the women remain bronzed, hard-bodied goddesses proving the technology of the spray tan has crept all the way to the Arctic Circle.  The women of Slednecks are fucking tough.  Like blow your couch up, crack a beer bottle over your head, push you down the stairs, knock you the fuck out tough.  All drunken shenanigans aside, the true treasure of the show is master boat-maker Leonard who dispenses old bear Alaskan wisdom like Yoda.  I love him.  I want to go to Alaska just so he can tell me I’m trouble.LEONARD SLEDNECKS

 

Admit Homeland Sux

HOMELAND SHARMA DANESIn general, the fall TV schedule has not wowed me with its genius, but this season of Homeland is downright offensive.  Was this show always so sexist and racist, and I was just too mesmerized by Claire’s windblown butterscotch layers to notice?  Seriously, put your hair in a ponytail once in awhile.  Bitch looks like she travels with Beyoncé’s wind machine.  More importantly, I hate that Carrie fucked to land an asset as if cooch-control it’s her only skill.  She’s supposed to be the head bitch in charge over there and she’s ranting around the office like a deranged lunatic even before the double dealer started fucking with her meds.  Are the racist depictions of Pakistani people not smacking you in the face?  To me, this… NUMAN ACAR

is as obviously racist

as this…BLACKFACE

Homeland = evil-ass propagandist show.

CARRIE HOMELAND

 

Bethenny’s Back at Bravo

BETHENNY AND ANDY COHENIn a last ditch effort to save the franchise, Bravo dug deep into their pockets to lure Bethenny Frankel back to the NYC Housewives next season.  Ugh.  Too little, too late, Bravo.  I have layered distaste for this desperate decision.  Yes, I do believe this stunt casting will temporarily spike the ratings, but after last season’s toilet ratings it would be hard to do worse.  Ramona’s implausible deniablility regarding the implosion of her marriage paired with that new basic blonde bitch made for a dud of a season.RAMONA

When it comes to Bethenny, what haven’t we seen her do?  We’ve watched her destroy friendships for fame, strike it rich, birth her daughter, exploit her marriage for ratings, divorce, and engage in a protracted nasty custody battle.  What do we have to look forward to?  Bethenny and her once-accused-rapist boyfriend walking hand and hand with little Bryn?  That should go over well.BETHENY MICHAEL BRYN

The main difference between the old Bethenny and new Bethenny is net worth.  Bethenny recounts that when she began with RHNY she was teetering towards broke.  Now she sitting on a pile of money looking down at everyone else.  This should create the most interesting shift in the dynamics among the women.  Filthy rich Bethenny has no reason to give a fuck about offending anyone.  I expect a deluge of snide criticism.  She doesn’t need the approval or allegiance of her castmates.  Her wealth keeps her good company.BETHENNY FRANKEL RICH

Rejoining an ensemble cast after a failed talkshow isn’t exactly a propulsive career move.  This is a woman who clearly wants her mug on the blogs whatever the cost to her dignity.  Apparently, it’s gotta be fame and fortune for Mizz Frankel.  It’s rumored one of the contingencies of Frankel agreeing to return was a no-Zarin clause which is unfortunate since Jill’s the only Housewife that could prove a worthy adversary to her former friend.

JILL ZARIN