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G-sus TV has recently sucked ass, no? With such an pathetically vacant DVR, I decided to give the kinda-hyped Inside Amy Schumer a look-see. This bitch is funny.
Amy Schumer’s humor relies on a certain manipulated vulnerability. She hangs herself out to dry and takes you with her. Decidedly feminist without preaching, she subverts our modern gender roles in clever ways that expose their utter absurdity. Smart, insightful, fresh, and super-fucking hilarious in a self-identifying way, get Inside Amy Schumer.
I’ve experienced significant loss and am close to others who have experienced major loss, and I still stutter for the right words to speak amidst a tragedy. When searching for the right words to say, remember these are not them…
I’m going to grieve, bitch.
But my suffering has only begun.
I know this is the most obvious and seemingly kind offering in a crisis, but the truly helpful don’t ask, they just do. Not all of us operate on that level of selflessness (myself included), but remember if you do offer help be prepared for the person to take you up on it. If they do, YOU MUST FOLLOW THROUGH.
Happy Birthday Taurus! You are some of the best the zodiac has to offer when it comes to integrity, generosity, and unconditional love. Those of us with a Bull in our inner circle count ourselves blessed. Armed with unmatched strength and determination, your meaningful gifts are plentiful. To rely on a cliché: to whom much is given, much is expected, and Taurus generally rises to those expectations. That’s not to say you don’t suffer from crushing insecurity because most Tauruses do. Get super selective about the company you keep this coming year. You deserve the best, so surround yourself with a circle of high-caliber folks. Taurus self-limits by getting marred in guilt and a misguided sense of obligation. Overcome this destructive paradigm and chase your aspirations with abandon. Even though you may not understand the path required, Taurus dreams big. As Bulls begin to chart their course, others may challenge the plan for a variety of reasons related and unrelated to the outcome. You hate opposition and tend to take it personally. Don’t let your pussy-hurt ego deafen the sound of reason. You are unbelievably strong Taurus, but you are strongest when you listen.
May initiates a period of solitude for Gemini. For the majority of the month, you’ll work quietly and steadily all by yourself. Not only will you be pleased about what you accomplish, but you prove you don’t need anyone else and can do just fine on your own thank-you-very-much. Secret-keeping Gemini continues to progress on private endeavors. Most of us will never understand why you play everything so close to the vest, but it is a strategy you often rely on to navigate relationships. Consider how you might be limiting your ability to connect with others by refusing to share your true beliefs. Gemini doesn’t feel strongly about everything, but when you do feel something strongly don’t budge regardless of doubts, fear, or logic. Several opportunities for leadership arise and now you can unequivocally prove your ability to take charge. The question becomes, where do you wanna go? Confusion clouds your better judgment, so use that sharp mind to think matters through. After all that time alone at May’s beginning, the last week of the month serves up a series of breakthroughs. Brace yourself for a major shift in perspective.
The last few months have seen Cancer steadily progress on the career-front. Work winds down steadily as May unfolds and those responsibilities take a backseat to more interesting and exciting socializing fun with friends. After suffering loss and emotional challenges, Cancer learns the value and importance of a devoted support system and fan club. Of course your tried and trued pals are there for you, but May brings some new amigas into the already zesty mix. Even though Cancer feels extremely depleted, give a little energetic attention to these new acquaintances and it will pay off substantial dividends in a number of unexpected ways. I wish I could tell you May brings only flowers and sunshine, but a storm quietly brews in your midst. Unfortunately, Neptune makes your clear, sunny perceptions cloudy rain clouds of confusion. This fermenting conflict feels like a sharp stab in the back when it surfaces seemingly out of nowhere. Look closely at the ways you have been complicit in this disaster before reacting in a flood of tears. You have the right to be angry, but you also shoulder some of the blame.
Listen up Leo, professionally May means more than any other month this year. Ready for a promotion, move, or upgrade? Be bold Lioness, it is yours for the taking. What a shitty friend you’ve been lately Leo, seriously. Would it kill you to return a text? You are losing friends left and right as a direct result of your flaky and selfish behavior. It’s why you are getting fat too. Call your friend and take a walk, sheesh. It’s a good thing work is going so well, because romantically Leo can’t seem to strike a harmonious chord. Attached Leos find themselves hitting every relationship landmine imaginable. Brace yourself for surprising and unpleasant news to crack the foundation of your relationship. Only you can decide if the revelation is a deal breaker. Single Leos just can’t seem to find an authentic connection because the only thing genuine about you right now is your desperation. Best to put your energy into where the sun is shining on you this month: work!
Pack your bags Virgo, May sets you sailing on an enjoyable voyage so filled with fun you return brimming with joy. Leave all the daily worries behind and slip into your vacation shoes. We promise that the world won’t burn down without you. Virgos spend the time sandwiching the trip on an innovative project that requires the best of your tactical negotiation and communication skills. Buoyed by favorable planetary alignment, Virgo finds easy success in May professionally speaking. This creates positive momentum through next month where recognition and awards follow your hard work and brilliant strategy. Toward the end of May, Virgo reinvests in the idea of family. Miscommunication has plagued your central relationship, but this month you have a damn good chance of getting lucky. Put your differences aside and a very unexpected yet joyous surprise could come your way this May.
Libras spend significant time with their hands in other peoples’ pocketbooks this May. This tremendous responsibility requires a precise attention to detail. There will be times this month when a thick stack of complicated paperwork sits on your desk defiantly staring back at you. Fatigue, Neptune, and other influences make wading through the wordiness especially taxing. Not only will any mistakes you make be discovered, they’ll be exploited for advantage by your enemies. Ultimately, the deal gets fortified by unexpected funding. Once the cash starts flowing, the pace picks up as well. A well-prepared Libra impresses everyone, so get organized now and blow their minds with your grace under pressure. May serves up some extra creativity. Find a way to channel this bright talent into your work where your contribution will be noticed and validated.
Scorpios find themselves in a pickle this May. Energetically, your best bet is to collaborate with others to impressive results. Scorpios need others to make their big dreams happen, but Scorpios aren’t really Marxist by nature. It doesn’t matter to Scorpios that a collective can achieve more because they can’t stand anyone else in the commune. You just don’t have much patience for dicking around. A third of the way into May a surge of energy changes everything. Seize this power and use it to push ahead toward meaningful progress. The possibility for a new source of income enters the scene. Balance the need for financial security against the personal cost of taking the opportunity. This rare chance could prove unbelievably profitable. Put in extra effort to prepare your body, mind, and closet for incredible fun, friends and romance come June. I wish I could tell you we didn’t live in a superficial world, but in truth the better you look the better your opportunities.
Sagittarius has already begun to feel the crushing weight of May’s work responsibilities shading the fun and sun of spring. Sags possess a certain swagger that carries them through the most demanding of moments, so you’ll make it through the bustle mostly unscathed by coming up with efficient methods of productivity. The first three weeks get swallowed whole by work obligations, but towards the end of the month your life again broadens. A certain relationship could very well reach a make-or-break-it moment this month. Will you or won’t you? Unless the answer forms crystal clear, put off deciding anything definite until you are without doubt. May makes a better month for woo and surprises, so design a super fun day for someone deserving. Sags effort and willingness to show their intention and desire clarifies any lingering ambiguity about the relationship. Check your tendency to get snapish and bitchy when challenged on your unqualified assertions. It indicates an unattractive defensiveness.
May means love for Capricorn if you make room for it in your relentlessly over-scheduled life. Prioritize love Cap. When you look back on your life, it isn’t your work that will bring you the most pride. Your relationships are what sustain you and are what matters now and forever. Get cute and get out there. The universe has a little something for you. For those Caps who have somehow stumbled their way into a relationship, now more than ever a solid commitment seems like a realistic possibility. Ultimately, it is less about the marriage than the baby right? You can’t fool me Capricorn. You’ve got a crazy parental itch. If you can’t make a baby now, generate creative offspring. Don’t waste any time at the beginning of the month because the last week of May work will require you to drop everything and immediately tend to matters of great importance.
Lucky Aquarius! May happens to be your month. The universe has generously provided you a planetary cushion. Take advantage of all the energetic good will. It doesn’t come around that often. Expect a steady build of momentum and power which culminates in an apex around the 9th. Aquarius possesses all the tools to decide, schedule, and execute this month. Wow us with what you achieve. Since you are imbued with freshness in May, everyone is gonna want to fuck you. They are yours for the choosing. Remain selective. Some of the seemingly more seductive options have really big mouths and will tell everyone about the experience. The chatter may not all necessarily be so positive. It is up to you if you want your business on the internet. Spend more time romancing than rushing to get naked. Nascent love is so sweet, don’t immediately squash it in semen.
May brings many opportunities for different forms of expression for Pisces. Clearer and more decisive than ever when it comes to your philosophical ideals, now you feel confident to speak your mind. Pisces are at their most sexy when assertive, so don’t stop wielding your power. Come up with a pretense to sneak away for a little trip this month, and even better if you can get work to foot the bill. A moment away will profoundly benefit you even if geographically you remain close to home. Conflict enters the scene through your sibling. Think about the situation then don’t back down from your side. Even though seemingly insignificant, the way you handle this dispute will change the way you relate to one another moving forward. Pisces finally receives the professional recognition you’ve been yearning for after the 25th. Then you quickly realize you don’t need validation from those fools anyway.
A profitable (and possibly spontaneous?) business trip serves as the energetic touchstone for Aries in May. Money worries inspire Aries to focus on performing at a high level. A tempting new opportunity presents itself and at first you are chomping at the bit to get in and commit all available resources. Slow your roll Aries, this may not be the most advantageous move for you. Planetary opposition may stall progress. The stars can’t possibly align for every situation. Don’t force it. This time it is the universe telling you that it isn’t quite right. If it is right, you will not be marred with crazy complications. Regardless, talented Aries shines and remains focused throughout the sensitive dealings. That aforementioned trip could pay off financially and romantically. Let serendipity twirl in a new dance partner. Let’s hope it’s someone who knows how to lead a strong dancer.
I’m still processing that oddly unsettling 2 hour Mad Men premiere. It definitely warrants a rewatch before further comment, but I will say I totally projectile vomited just like Don Draper the day after I returned from Hawaii. The flight flu is truly timeless.
Billie HolidayFrancis Ford CoppolaRavi ShankarBill BellamyJanis Ian
Why does Teen Mom 2 star Jenelle Evans have the time and resources for a boob job, but not enough of either to maintain primary custody of her son Jace? Why does my nose always itch as soon as I start doing the dishes?Why do guys think the girls in straight porn are authentically reaching climax?Why does Patti Stanger give the worst relationship advice ever and still get renewed season after season?Why do the vaguely upbeat promotional promises plastered all over fast-casual restaurants send me into a state of ennui?Why does Mila Kunis insist on continuing with this unsettling real life Jackie/Kelso fantasy?
Yesterday I splurged on a light glycolic peel. My cell turnover really lagged this winter, and I needed a boost with it being the first day of spring and all. I’ve secretly wanted a peel since Brandi Glanville discussed them as part of her skincare regime in her stupid book. I’m ashamed to admit my susceptibility to the power of suggestion.The results have already begun to emerge. A stubborn hateful patch miraculously flaked away within the first 24 hours. This spot has been testing my patience for months, so achieving meaningful results in the first day sold me on the procedure. I enjoy immediate gratification. I’ll keep you updated on the ongoing outcome over the next week.
Didja all catch the pineapple pussy-off on last night’s Kourtney & Kim Take Miami? In case you didn’t, Kim and Kourtney debated who had a sweeter smelling puss and decided to put their minges to the challenge of cultivating the freshest scent. To enhance their natural aroma, the girls drank pineapple juice like it was the new master cleanse. I wondered if this was just some krazy shit Kris thought up as a desperate ratings ploy, but no, this pineapple juice drinking is an actual thing people do on purpose to sweeten excretions. Who knows if the technique has actual merit? All you really want to know is who won the pussy stank-off, right? Guess who judged? Sister Khloe. Yeah, inhale that. Anyway, no surprise Kim’s world famous twat won against Kourtney’s all-natural baby maker.
This vadge-centric episode also included a very weird encounter with Khloe and Kegel balls. The first one dropped out easily, but the second got stuck – until Kourtney spanked it out of her.
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