Category Archives: TV

October 2014 Horoscopes

LibraLIBRA

Happy Birthday Libra!  Enjoy the warm glow of the sun shining on you during October.  Your flock has been rather needy lately, but this month focus on yourself and your own agenda.  Instead of trying to organize a self-fête, let your friends plan your birthday celebration.  Use Mercury’s retrograde to bathe in nostalgia; include a few pals from the past in your party.  Libras will feel the impact of the retrograde professionally.  Leave yourself extra time and patience to deal with the accompanying snafus.  Realize that the retrograde has a protective quality.  Should a situation that you’ve pinned your hopes on fall apart, consider it a blessing in disguise.  A lunar eclipse on the 8th strongly nudges Libra to make a decision with regard to your relationship.  The second eclipse on the 23rd shifts your standard of living.  You’re movin’ on up.  Dress the part.

 ScorpioSCORPIO

The month before your birthday is best spent resting and preparing for the excitement to come, Scorpio.  This restorative energy supports healing and closure.  With Mercury in retrograde for most of the month, work the backspinning energy to finish what’s undone and release whatever you need to let go.  Retire your bossy and assertive qualities in October in favor of quiet and easy-going because (unusually) you just won’t feel up to a fight.  Optimize your health on the lunar eclipse which lands on the 8th.  Use this energy to restore balance, clean up any personal messiness, and see a professional if you have any lingering concerns.  By the 23rd, the cocooning concludes and you are ready to step into the light of your birthday shine.  Caution: October is NOT the month for a radical alteration of your physical appearance.

 SagittariusSAG

October yields numerous social benefits as Sagittarius acts as unofficial cruise director for the rest of the zodiac.  Gee wiz, with Mercury in retrograde and two different eclipses occurring this month, we could all use a little levity.  The best connections come from situations where you are selflessly giving of your time, talent, and resources.  Embrace an “out with the old in with the new” philosophy when it comes to relationships.  A person in your sphere may be dicking around working unscrupulous angles behind your back.  If the situation smells fishy, pass on the sushi.  This is a terrible month to rely heavily or exclusively on technology.  Have a secondary plan in place should your device fail you.

 CapricornCAP

October spells achievement for Capricorn.  No aim is too high.  Go for it because success is likely with the sun illuminating your professional accomplishments.  Mercury goes retrograde for most of this month.  This energy can cause disruptions in technology and communication, so be patient if your underlings spend most of the month pathetically thrashing around in their own chaos.  The first eclipse on the 8th is bound to influence the way you see your relationships.  A definitive answer will reveal itself clearly.  The second eclipse on the 23rd invites a new circle of friends into your life.  Single Caps may find a suitable partner among this new group.

 AquariusAQUARIUS

October has a conflicted agenda for you Aquarius.  You are imbued with an urge to fly free and travel, but grounded by the complications of pesky Mercury in retrograde which can really fuck up your travel plans.  Plan a getaway to commence after the 25th for your best luck in adventuring.  For sure you’ll want to flee because an uncomfortably tense work environment develops over the next month.  Avoiding the conflict or annoying person won’t work this time.  You’re gonna have to nut-up and address it lest it escalate further into a professional embarrassment.  The first eclipse of the month on the 8th drops unexpected news.  The second eclipse later in the month provides a fresh start at work.

 PiscesPISCES

October is best spent with your most trusted circle, Pisces.  Distribution of finances serves as a major theme this month.  Suddenly, you are very interested in where your money goes and with whom you share it.  Money plays out as a key issue in relationships – from whether you choose to partner to whether you opt to split.  Opportunities for passive income are great, just don’t get seduced by sketchy schemers offering you the world before you see a dime.  Use Mercury’s retrograde energy to seal up any old heartbreaks.  Reach out to make amends.  Avoid signing contracts this month as you are likely to miss important details.

Aries

ARIES

I wouldn’t call it flailing, but the last couple months haven’t been your most graceful, Aries.  October blows a crisp wind of change in your favor.  You return to your rightful place at the head of the pack where you express your individuality without reservation.  Especially interested getting noticed and heard, take effort to look your best.  Quality food and sleep make a substantive difference in your attitude and appearance.  Others notice you’re bursting with extra fruit flavor this month and want to get close for a taste.  The lunar eclipse in Aries happens on the 8th which will be one of your most auspicious days of the year, and therefore a perfect day for setting a plan into motion.  Drop any dead (relationship) weight before this day so as not to obstruct your good luck.

 TaurusTAURUS

Taurus loves a good organization sesh, and October is the perfect time to clean up the mess.  Which dark corners of your life could use a good sweep, Taurus?  Are you fat?  Are you living in filth?  Is your credit shameful?  Of course not, you’re perfect, right?  You work well within the structure of a system, just keep it simple.  When you over-complicate you’re less likely to follow through.  Mercury’s retrograde tosses in the standard communication complications this month, but it’s nothing you can’t handle with your trademark patience.  The lunar eclipse is known for suddenly shifting energy, so change is on the menu for October especially in the realm of healing.

 GeminiGEMINI

October brings big fun Gemini!  You are especially attractive and bold this month.  Choose among your many admirers.  Mercury retrogrades for most of the month.  For Gemini this backspin manifests in saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person.  A verbal lapse in judgment could cost you dearly.  Curtail your gossipy nature this fall.  The lunar eclipse promises a healthy dose of like-it-or-not change.  Expect to clean out your friendship circle under the influence of this eclipse in particular.  On the 23rd, take proactive steps to protect your health.  Administrate kid!  Become the Tracy Flick of your own life.

 CancerCANCER

Snug in at home this October, Cancer.  While you’re staring at the wall, rearrange the furniture so you can stare at a different one.  Funnel your energy into a home makeover, it’s a lot more constructive than most of your other self-soothing activities.  From October 4-25, Mercury goes retrograde and travel plans delay, communication breaks down and electronics glitch.  Draw upon your most saintly patience and wait out the storm.  Provide yourself options in the event you’re stranded.  Wrap yourself up in nostalgia to take your mind off annoying retrograde-related distractions.  October makes a great month to catch up with old allies.

 Leo

LEO

Speak your truth, Leo!  October makes an excellent time for devout honesty.  Expect October to fly by with a ton of responsibility and opportunities for fun.  Get your best fall outfit together and go get ‘em.  You catch wind of a number of inspiring ideas from interesting people during your myriad engagements.  Mercury goes retrograde and with all the possible complications, there are definitely better times to travel, contract, and communicate crucial information.  That said, life can’t grind to a halt based on one little backspining planet, so take the proper precautions, back up your data and march ahead soldier.  With regard to relationships, Leo feels this retrograde in dealings with a female relative this month.  Say what needs to be said Lion – after all your theme this month is devout honesty!  Just take a cue from the retrograde and pause a beat before you go hard on anyone.  Some words can’t be unsaid.

 Virgo

VIRGOPrioritize work this October, Virgo.  Always industrious, October’s work focus allays some of your post-birthday financial anxiety.  As you may have heard, Mercury goes retrograde for most of October and that means electronics glitch, planes delay, and contracting should be avoided.  In addition to the retrograde, a pair of eclipses – a lunar on the 8th and a new moon on the 23rd – cause quite a reckoning.  The first event forces blunt endings to unsatisfying situations, especially shitty relationships.  The second of these two celestial events makes an ideal time for seeding a dream into a future reality.

cut the cord

COMCAST SUXAfter a series of escalating bills and shitty service, I finally told the cable company, Satan’s subsidiary, to suck my left one today when I turned in my DVR for good.  I cut the cord and it feels damn good.  I only watch 4 channels anyway (albeit obsessively), so what’s the point in paying for 995 others?  Yes, there will be sacrifices – the most painful among them letting go of my daily dose of Wendy Williams.  Virtually everything else I watch is available online anyway.  RokuChromecast.  There are numerous options for leveraging the internet into your main television content provider.  Speaking of watching online, you know Downton Abbey’s currently airing in the U.K.?  The premiere episode was a doozy.  Edith deserves a good finger-wagging.  OH EDITH

Let’s Catch Up

SLACK ASS

Sorry I’ve been kinda slackass.  I met somebody interesting, and we’ve been spending time together.  You know how it goes, girl.

VIEW PREMIEREThe “new” View sux.  I’m disoriented by the set change.  Rosie O’Donnell’s gastric sleeve operation seems to have concentrated her already abrasive nature.  I used to like her.  Now, not so much.   Whoopi seems super unhappy.  She should have accepted the contract buyout allegedly offered by the network and split to less hostile pastures.  Rosie Perez served as the least annoying addition to the stage, but her talent is wasted in this format.  I haven’t bothered to learn the Republican’s name yet.  She wears her hair in a layered bob, so that’s all I need to know about her. ROSIESI’m keeping up with the Spring 2015 RTW collections, but many have disappointed.  Bodycon’s been trending out for awhile now, but for Spring 2015 it is gone.  There were a number of voluminous and oddly shaped garments parading down the runways.  I’m all for avant-garde, but clothing must flatter first.  Distilling these trends into a wearable narrative may prove challenging. TOM FORD SPRING 2015 RTW

TOM FORD · SPRING 2015 RTW

ALIK AND LOUISE

The Made in Chelsea gang spent the summer in NYC.  The MIC NYC finale just aired so you can bingewatch the season on 4oD.  If you are like me, you’ll have opinions about Billie.  And please note Alik’s overly passionate succubus kissing style.  He looks like he’s going to swallow little Louise whole. BILLIEOn the Diet Coke substitution tip, faithful reader Leah Love suggested Perrier as a pleasing alternative.  I’m currently investigating.  Thanks for the suggestion Mizz Love.  (((Hugs babygirl))) PERRIERWorking the next 18 days straight, so don’t assume if I’m not on the daily that I’m dickmatized.  Just working hard bitches, thanks for your patience and understanding. ♥ DCHALF ASS

 

I’m Really Sad About Joan Rivers

JOAN RIVERS AND PIGGY

Million Dollar Listing L.A.: edith flagg forever

EDITH FLAGG

Just a few days ago, our beloved Edith Flagg passed on to the polyester-lined afterlife at the age of 94.  Edith Flagg survived the Holocaust, made a mint importing synthetic fabric, and enjoyed an especially close relationship with her grandson Josh Flagg.  She sprinkled wisdom, love, and humor throughout the show and stole every scene she shot.  I only knew you through the TV Grandma Edith, but I will miss you.  We all wish we had a grandma like you.  Baruch dayan emet.JOSH-FLAGG-AND-GRANDMA-EDITHHEATHER AND MADISON

Josh Altman’s fiance Heather Bilyeu really fucked up her face.  Nose job, fillers, Botox, does the girl think she’s a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills?  Straight up, she looks older, faker, and weirder, not younger and more beautiful.  Heather’s gone Heidi Montag.  Gross.  I’ve always gotten such a desperate fame-seeking impression of her anyway, and now I can’t even look at her creepy immobile face.

ALTMAN AND HEATHER

I don’t like the new British guys.  I miss Madison, and I really, really, really, miss The Chad.

CHAD ROGERS

 

I’m watchingk the Hills

LC THE HILLS

MTV has been running morning bingewatch seshes of The Hills every weekday and since there’s nothing like 2006, I’ve been unable to withstand the draw of these vapid bitches.  Can someone please inform Whitney Port there is no “k” at the end of “ing.”  Listen to her.  “Lauren, where are you goingk?” and “Oh my God, that was so embarassingk!”

WHITNEY PORT KAlso, I’ve spotted 2006 versions of Taylor Armstrong, Kourtney Kardashian and Tom Sandoval (from Vanderpump Rules) in The Hills background.  Watching this show years later is like a fun game of spot the desperate social-climbing fame-seeker!TAYLOR ARMSTRONG THE HILLS

 

lOVE/hATE

BRING IT! TOE TOUCHLove ♥ Bring It!  The Lifetime show features a Mississippi dance team called the Dancing Dolls (and their belligerent parents) getting buck in weekly stand battles. DD4L!BRING IT! HEEL TOUCHHate ≈ Bitter, hateful texts from my Ex.  Really?  It’s been over a year, so I was hoping we were well past the intentionally mean break-up phase.MEANLove ♥ Kirkland Sparkling Flavored Water.  In my quest for a zero calorie natural Diet Coke replacement, I stumbled upon this awesome beverage.  This stuff is magical.  I don’t understand how it’s calorie free, artificial sweetener-free, and still bursts with flavor.  Not only that, it’s fortified with Vitamin D, Niacin, B6, B12, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid, and Green Tea Extract.  I’m suspicious because it is seemingly so guilt-free.  By the way, I haven’t had a single Diet Coke since I quit.  Not one.KIRKLAND SPARKLING FLAVORED WATERHate ≈ My Dumbass Bank.  I spent the week untangling a mess at my financial institution because they are too stupid to understand onion routing, and I was too dumb to know not to use to Tor for online banking.  Let this annoying hassle be a cautionary tale.  Bitcoin is the only currency your Tor should ever see. ONION HEADS

 

Seen

MYSTERY GIRLSFor research and curiosity’s sake, I watched the first two episodes of Tori Spelling’s new scripted series Mystery Girls.  While one might think a Jennie Garth/Tori Spelling nostalgia combo platter would be comforting, in actuality it’s just depressing (not to mention poorly written).  I’m starting to think Tori Spelling lives her whole life as though it was episodic television.  Skip Mystery Girls in favor of Cabin FeverTori and Dean’s Canadian lake cabin renovation reality show filmed last year before all the cheating drama went public.  Some of the renovation ideas are cute and clever.  The kids show up, and I was so happy to see precious Patsy.  Bear witness to the last days of Tori & Dean.  Trouble finding Cabin Fever?  That’s because the reality-renovation show’s marooned on Great American Country (yeah, apparently that’s a network).  CABIN FEVERI’ve seen Obvious Child.  Twice.  I don’t want to tell you what to think about it, but I recommend you support this movie in the theater.  We need more projects like this one funded and available in wide release.  Gaby Hoffman is everything.  I need her to doula my baby.  Jenny Slate, you were on the brink of alienating us with your conspicuous, showy, enduring display of impossibly toned abs.  OBVIOUS CHILDI finally got around to watching Orange is the New Black.  (Thanks Lisa&Paul.)  Well worth your time, but I warn you binge watching that show locked me into such an incarcerated headspace.  I’m late on the bandwagon, so I won’t bother repeating how well-written, diverse, and interesting OITNB is… just get around to it if you haven’t already.OITNB

 

$$$cushion$$$

MONEY BEDIn the last few weeks, I know six different people who experienced shitty luck with their cars.  Four of those incidents were parked hit and runs.  In three of the four situations, the cowardly assailant didn’t leave a note.  Another girl backed into a pole.  Another lost her keys.  I learned from observing the way these folks weathered their losses.  In the first draft of this post, I was tempted to write that “unexpectedly” shitty things happen in life, but if I’m honest, I do expect shitty things to happen and that’s why I’m often better prepared for them than most people.  I’m not smug; I’m just unrelentingly pessimistic.SUZE ORMAN DENIEDI’m not trying to get all Suze Orman on your ass, but do you have sufficient savings to cushion a crisis should one arise?  A couple of the aforementioned victims make good salaries, but when life turded in their path they panicked and had to borrow money.  I’m willing to loan people money in a pinch.  Though I confess I throw a little side-eye when people who make shit-ton of cash don’t have any sort of emergency stash to weather life’s downturns. PIGGY BANK PONDERSPeople measure security in different ways, but a year’s worth of living expenses in an emergency fund is a reasonable start.  (Calculating in your head?  Double the number. We underestimate spending.)  Should life deal you illness, job loss, or a tornado, a shittymoments fund ensures tragedy isn’t compounded by financial stress.  Once you get your fund established and are enjoying a stress-free stretch of life, some of you will be tempted to blow your safety cash on an extravagant purchase.  DON’T.  Giuseppe Zanottis aren’t that chic when you are living out of your car.CAR HOUSE