After all the chatter over the weekend, Barbara had no choice but to address the rumored departures on The View. Right at the top of the show she delegated some schticky countdown to Joy before facing the camera head-on to tackle the speculation around Elisabeth. Barbara then emphatically stated, “We have no plans for Elisabeth to leave the show.” Check out the ladies’ faces; they look a little nervous and shifty do they not? Almost as if they are covering something up…
Curiously, Barbara immediately followed the declaration by saying, “Having said that to all of you, Bill and I have always said that when one of you makes the choice to leave that’s your choice and we will support your decision.” Reading between the lines, I deduce that Hasselbeck is leaving. They are just going to make it sound like it was Elisabeth’s idea so as to not alienate their heartland audience. I predict by the end of the season Elisabeth will make her own announcement of imminent departure. She’ll say she wants to spend more time with the kids or has another project lined up, but we’ll know the truth behind her exit. A move some are saying has more to do with Frank Langella being outed as the Chicken Pox vector than it does with her political beliefs, but I ain’t one to gossip so you didn’t hear it from me. 
If you need more proof, just look at how that indicating bitch is clutching to Barbara for dear life.
Have you heard the rumors? Different outlets are reporting Elisabeth Hasselback’s chair has been pulled out from under her at The View. Apparently, market research suggested that Elisabeth was too right-wing and extreme. Let me clutch my pearls in disbelief. 
On the heels of Joy’s exit, the timing is interesting indeed. Two hosts gone, who will replace them? I vote one slot goes to Mario Cantone. 1) He’s got legacy with the show. 2) He’s very New York. 3) Grande Dame Walters seems to like him. 4) He’s funny. 
Regardless of who replaces Elisabeth, it will be a major improvement. I won’t miss her snapping her jaw across the table like a chained junkyard dog. However, I do wonder if they are just ignoring the market research that suggests we are all really tired of Barbara. To truly freshen the show, Walters needs to go.
Did anybody catch The View yesterday (Monday)? Barbara Walters returned to a fucking festival in her honor. In case you haven’t heard, Barbara Walters got the chicken pox a few weeks ago. (She doesn’t want to call it Shingles because you know the Shingles is something old people get and Barbara is so obviously young and vibrant and don’t you dare forget it.) Apparently the pox caused her to get woozy at the British Ambassador’s house where she passed out and hit her head on the marble floor. Barbara sustained a concussion, a condition she explained at length as if the majority of the audience had never heard of the rather common trauma. Her doctors, who she tediously thanked by name on air in multiple segments, told her to rest for several weeks to recover from the head injury. That’s where Barbara’s been. Because the world can’t spin if Barbara isn’t present and accounted for. 
The entire show dripped with sympathetic gestures towards Walters: flowers, insincere pre-taped tributes from network mates, and a standing ovation. They even had fucking Bloomberg on, as if anyone but the two of them enjoy the Bloomberg bit. Why do they keep doing that to Mario Cantone? A chicken pox number, really girl? 
Look I know I sound like an asshole (that’s why you’re reading right?) because she’s courting 84 years old, and I should respect my elders and shit. I appreciate your point, but do we really need to endure this relentless jubilant return because bitch took a few weeks off for the chicken pox? I suppose when a person has tread the Earth for that many years, she deserves a party every day. 
There is something so desperate and clingy about her vise-grip control over The View. Barbara exudes a palpable anxiety. As if she misses a day, they’ll retire her ass. Her condescending tone, botched intros, and shameless self-aggrandizing already make The View like an awkward visit to mean-Grandma’s house. Now add in a mild closed-head injury. Yeah, let that wash over you.
Glen E. Friedman
Tone-Lōc 
Jessica Biel
Alexander Graham Bell
Jean Harlow
Julie Bowen
Lee Radziwill
Recently Cancer has experienced some of the calmest waters in recent memory. Professionally, you’ve made critical gains. Personally, Cancer experiences greater and more intense intimacy than ever before. So what is missing little Crab? When completing your moral inventory do you get paper cuts? You can’t go back and change the past, but you can stop recapitulating the same mistakes while recreating the same situations. Look at what is going well in your life right now and properly nourish these areas. Distractions are landmines for Cancer; remain committed to the beneficial.
Bold Leos occasionally write checks their asses can’t cash, and this March they find themselves overdrafted. Friends and family react with impatience at the pickles you get yourself into in March, Leo. Hopefully, you’ve banked some goodwill because you are going to need it. Let me spell it out for you: Leos need help this month. What all this drama reveals is an unexpected confidant. You’ll grow closer to a person you weren’t even sure you liked and that will surprise you. Whether or not this person has romantic inclinations is yet to be determined, but you certainly have some sway in intensifying or deflating the potential suitor’s feelings.
Aquarius floats in and out of March like a feather. Mostly you spend the next few weeks in a period of preparation, setting everything up to properly execute on future plans. Richly talented and great at navigating the nuances of your professional world, there is really no excuse for you not to succeed. Two possibilities? Aquarius isn’t punctual and occasionally lacks gravitas. Consider if one or both of these qualities limits your growth. A cleanse could do you good right about now. Abstain from food and alcohol for a day and see what good comes of it.
Debra Jo Rupp
Kristin Davis
Judith Butler
Chad Hugo
Matt Skiba
Winslow Homer
Please tell me you are watching the fucking splendor that is The Face. The Face is Naomi Campbell’s new modeling show competition and personal fuck you to Tyra Banks, Nigel Barker included. 
In a word, the show is sublime. Naomi reigns over the panel in her royal cuntiness. A well-past-her-prime Karolina Kurkova has the sense to steer clear of Mizz Campbell’s side eye, but naive Coco Rocha hasn’t proved so wise. Naomi might shank the Jehovah’s Witness, and I simply can’t miss that. Plus, when Coco Rocha actually speaks she might be one of the scariest looking humans I’ve ever seen. It’s truly troubling. (Her wedding video is worth a view though). 
Don’t expect any actual modeling talent on this show – the girls are pretty much universally beat. Watching The Face is all about basking in the glow of that iconic Campbell bitchery. 
Please tell me that you are watching this gorgeous BBC/Discovery multi-part special featuring different regions and wildlife of Africa. Three of seven episodes have aired, so far we’ve seen creatures of the Congo, Kalahari, and Savannah.
Enjoy lions bitch-fighting in the dirt.
Watch to find out why this Shoebill is rude. 
If none of that interests you perhaps the elephant wang will. Get a load of that trunk. 
Girls returns tonight.
Can it possibly live up to the expectation?
I’ve OD’d on hyperbolic praise all week.
And we all know 2nd seasons tend to suck. 
I want to believe this time it can be different. 
Don’t let me down Girls.
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