Category Archives: TV

bye-bye BETHENNY

BETHENNY CANCELLEDWe all knew it was coming.  I hate to say “I told you so” Bethenny, but your shitty show was circling the drain.  Finally, the daytime dud has been officially euthanized.  You can guess what’s coming next, right?  That Skinnygirl restaurant chain you’ve all been waiting for?  I bet she puts frozen peas in the guacamole.  The woman has an irrational fear of avocado fat. BETHENNY GUAC

Are You the One?

ARE YOU THE ONE CASTI’m not a fan of The Bachelor or any of those dating reality shows.  No judgment.  I know lots of people live for a rose ceremony like it was the Super Bowl of Love, but I’ve always enjoyed a slightly different flavor of trash.  Yet, I admit I’m intrigued by the premise of MTV’sAre You the One?”, premiering tonight.ARE YOU THE ONE GIRLSThe premise: 10 single girls + 10 single guys pre-matched through an intensive compatibility test live together in a herpes hive that looks like it was repurposed from the old Hawaii Real World house.  If the proper preordained matches pair up, everybody splits a million dollars.  ARE YOU THE ONE GUYSDespite the interesting conceit, I may not even make it through the first episode of this show because the kids are so idiotic, but I’m going to try.  I’m in favor of anything that challenges the illusive fairy tale of romantic love and involves potential bitch fighting.    ARE YOU THE ONE SLUTTINES

FITA: unintentionally horrific

FITA LIFETIMEDid you watch Flowers in the Attic on Lifetime?  What the fuck was that?  The greatest source of dramatic tension in the 2 hour shit show came from Heather Graham’s forehead straining against the forced relaxation of the Botox.  It looked like tiny aliens pulsating beneath her brow.  (I’m just watching the DVR playback and realized that Botox is an actual sponsor, like there’s a Botox commercial running during this program for real.)HEATHER GRAHAM FITAI wanted to love Kiernan Shipka as Cathy, but I didn’t.  I don’t blame her for failing to deliver the type of performance required to emotionally ground the story.  Understandably, It’s hard to bring gravitas to a scene when you are exchanging dialogue with Rollergirl.  And that’s pretty much how Heather played Corrine (and every role of her career), as fucking Rollergirl.  Do they give Razzies for television movies?  Heather Graham’s acting in FITA makes Elizabeth Berkley’s Showgirls performance look like Meryl fucking Streep.  To add insult to bad acting, the movie looked super budget.  The styling was so lazy they didn’t even finish the back of Heather’s hair in some scenes.  We don’t get a clear shot of the twins until 20 minutes in, and then I realized that the little girl who plays Carrie looks like a miniature version of Hatchet-Face from Cry-BabyHATCHET FACEI can’t even get into it with Ellen Burstyn.  I’m just going to leave her in the stairwell screaming.  FITA ELLEN BURSTYN

Cheer Perfection’s Child Toucher?

CHEER PERFECTION MOMSThis fall, I became momentarily obsessed with this TLC show Cheer Perfection.  The show profiles a windowless Arkansas cheer gym – you know the ones they have down south that are big as airplane hangars where they pump out an endless parade of NCA champions?  Anyway, in actuality the show involved very little actual cheering and a focused mostly on the overweight hillbilly mama drama happening on the side lines.  CHEER PERFECTION ANDREA CLEVENGEROne of those mothers, Andrea Clevenger, just got arrested for raping a 13 year old boy.  Allegedly, the abuse started a few months ago.  No big surprise explicit photos were exchanged too.  I read the arrest affidavit.  It’s sadly always the same story.  These boy-touching women are trapped in a suspended state of adolescence desperate to relive some middle school “first love” romance scenario in their mid-thirties.  The boy brags to his friend.  Parents find pictures on the phone.  The Arkansas Child Abuse Hotline is called.  Next thing you know you are wearing purple lipstick in your mugshot.ANDREA CLEVENGER MUGSHOTYou may never know the inane amusement of Cheer Perfection because TLC has apparently vowed to never air this accused child toucher’s program ever again!CHEER PERFECTION

4 for Friday: Independence. Anniversary. Incest. RAH!

TECH DIFFICULTIESAchieving in areas of natural strength is fantastic, but rather expected.  Accomplishment in the face of self-doubt, however, requires substantially more.  For this reason, success in areas of weakness are my favorite triumphs.  For instance, technical problems cause me great anxiety, but when I solve them on my own I am super tickled.  Besting these little routine challenges reaffirms my confidence, ability, and independence.  Nothing feels better than doing it on your own.  WWII WOMAN WORKSpeaking of doing it on my own, this weekend would have been my ten year anniversary with my ex.  Difficult days.ANNIVERSARY ROSARITOGood thing I have Lifetime’s Flowers in the Attic redux to keep me distracted with incestual overtones on Saturday. FLOWERS IN THE ATTICI don’t care about football.  I don’t know who is playing.  I won’t be watching any games.  I really don’t want to hear anything else about it.  Please enjoy a cheesy bean nacho in my honor and absence.  BARBIE FOOTBALL

 

GIRLS pearls

GIRLS SURPRISE KINDA OF STILL SUCKSThe highlights of the double Girls premiere didn’t involve any of the actual GirlsNATALIA GIRLS S3

You’re not going to get any milk out of those tits.” GIRLS SEASON 3 MILK(*honorable mention for Ray’s Indiana shirt.)

KIM GORDON GIRLSKim GordonHANNAH ANNOYING

Hannah’s peak posture was wood clogs wedgie.  I used to find her whiny neurosis endearing; less so now.

tonight is for GIRLS

GIRLS SEASON 3GIRLS SEASON 3 PREMIERE

4 for Friday: Travel. Renew. Wait. Waste.

7 MILE BEACHThis time of year has me contemplating white sandy beaches.  Last year it was Hawaii.  This year I’m thinking the Caribbean.  Do I go cheap and sketchy (Jamaica, Dominican Republic) or pay more for the false security of the USVI?  I hate to be a neo-colonialist paranoid asshole, but I also don’t want a side order of sexual assault or armed robbery with my fun in the sun.  JAMAICAAfter visiting in person this fall, I predicted Bethenny’s shit talk show would not see a season 2.  Still no clear word on renewal, though there have been rumors of a retooling that would take the focus off celebrities and down shift into conflict (via naughtybutnicerob).  From the look of it, the show isn’t expensive to produce, so she does have that going for her.  However, I don’t think conflict confrontation/resolution is the right direction for her to go in season 2.  She shines when she sticks to her strengths: remaking recipes, debating diet experts, and confronting unlikable reality stars.  Can you stretch that into 5 shows a week and keep it fresh?BETHENNY FRANKELDid you watch Downton Abbey?  Many of you are catching this season for the first time as it airs on American television.  Some criticized the first episode of the season describing it as boring and repetitious.  Stay tuned.  A major moment of violence changes everything downstairs.  When the scene aired in the U.K., it had the fans atwitter in anger.DOWNTON ABBEYI’m going to say what nobody else in the Coven has the nerve to – that was a shameful waste of Steve NicksSTEVIE NICKS AHS

 

Holiday Gorge

IAMBRITNEYJEANGorged on E!’s I am Britney Jean which proved that behind every vacant, lithiumed, bleach-blond, lip syncher is a fleet of overworked, under-appreciated gay men.  Who among her team of handlers approved this popstar propaganda? Britney’s quite clearly not in the building, ya’ll.  Her retrospective should be called Incoherent. TORI AND DEAN CHEATINGWe didn’t know when, but we knew it would inevitably come: the Dean McDermott cheating allegations.  What an unexpected yuletide gossip gift.  Don’t side-eye me.  Two cheaters get together and I’m supposed to feign surprise when one of them cheats?  Bitch please.  I’ll bathe in this told-you-so through the New Year. DOWNTON ABBEY XMAS 2013As for the Downton Abbey Christmas Special, I’m not sure I’m clear on the details of the monarchy-ruining scandal, but the clothes were EVERYTHING. DOWNTON ABBEY XMAS SPECIAL 2013