Category Archives: TV

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: the birthday dinner

SATC 35 BIRTHDAYI’m all for going big on birthdays.  I’m happy to be included in an ensemble dinner celebrating my friend’s birth.  What I do not enjoy is picking up the financial slack for the other diners.  Explicitly, attendance at a birthday dinner means you are communally paying for the birthday boy/girl’s dinner, drinks, and gratuity.  I was recently at a dinner of about 15 people celebrating a friend’s birthday.  I told the server to put birthday girl’s order on my tab.  Whether the majority lack mindfulness or are just cheap, only 2 people of 15 attendees offered a contribution to the birthday girl’s portion of the bill.  I can’t excuse such grotesque and tacky behavior.  These grown folks should know better.  Err on the side of generosity in dealing with matters that involve communal cash.  Verify the bill is adequately covered including a generous tip for the server.  If you are invited to such a dinner and finances are a concern, it’s your responsibility to budget for you + 1, which may mean you order one less drink or a less expensive meal.   BILL SPLITTER

True Tori

TRUE TORIPlease tell me you watched the premiere of True Tori on Lifetime last night.  It was everything.  True Tori proves there are no bounds to Spelling’s self-delusion.  First, we’re all supposed to pretend this is the only time Dean’s cheated.  Tori honey, Dean cheated with you, and he’s been cheating on you.  He’s a big fat cheater.  Yesterday.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Does anyone honestly believe this was an isolated incident?  Dean strikes me as a guy who is as indiscriminately unfaithful as his opportunities.DEAN MCDERMOTTTori had the audacity to say, “Don’t feel sorry for me.”  Oh don’t worry; we don’t.  She complained about raising 4 kids on her own.  Do you think she thought about Dean’s then-wife Mary raising their 2 kids alone when Spelling went husband-snatching on the set of her sad little Lifetime movie 7 years ago?  I suspect not.  In a pathetic ploy to garner undeserved audience sympathy, Spelling shamelessly plays put-upon mommy despite my hunch that she has a fleet of nannies hovering conveniently out of frame to provide behind the scenes support while Deano’s trolls the inpatient ward for his latest conquest. DEAN MARY JOTori and Lindsay must have graduated from the same learning annex course on self-exploitation through bad reality programming.  Both celebrities offer up publicist-curated versions of their mundane lives sprinkled generously with oversharing of their most private personal dramas – all whilst complaining about the constant paparazzi swarm who keep them on the covers of tabloids.  Happy to whore themselves out to a reality show camera crew for personal monetary gain, these bitches clutch their pearls in outrage should anyone else profit off the insatiable interest in their misfortune.  These two skinny bitches must have discovered hypocrisy burns more calories than Adderall.STAR TORI DIVORCE

 

over it

DCIM100GOPRO

I’m so over fucking Coachella, Burning Man, and any other bullshit that involves a hoard of entitled fuckers eating drugs in the desert pretending it’s art.

COACHELLA LAMEI’m so over Game of Thrones.  Dragon dearth.GAME OF THRONES DRAGON

I’m so over guys who only care about their own orgasm.  The girls in the porn aren’t actually climaxing you lazy, delusional douche.

SELFISH IN BED

I’m so over Jenelle Evans getting pregnant.

JENELLE EVANS PREGS

I’m so over Sonja Evans describing her outdated, ill-fitting ensembles by listing the designers.  “It’s Oscar.”  It’s ugly.

SONJA MORGAN

I’m so over people throwing cigarette butts everywhere.  As if the smoking isn’t gross enough.

 

 

 

 

You don’t need…

LAXATIVEYou don’t need a laxative; eat more berries. BERRIES

You don’t need to leave your husband and kids for a lesbian 20 years your junior; acknowledge you’re having mid-life crisis.

MIDLIFE CRISISYou don’t need an electronic cigarette; you need a vape pen. VAPE PEN

You don’t need to feel like you’re missing out if you aren’t watching Lindsay; it’s boring as fuck.

LINDSAY BORING

Amy Schumer Live

AMY SCHUMERI’m usually ambivalent about live stand-up, but I recently caught comic Amy Schumer on tour promoting the second season of her funnyfeminist show Inside Amy Schumer.  I’ve posted my affection for Inside Amy Schumer before so I needn’t take you on a redundant stroll down pussy power lane.  My esteem for her only intensified when she snatched the spotlight from those other twats on Girls this season.  MAGIC PUSSYI enjoyed her stand-up less.  Inside Amy Schumer inverts sexism in a manner that exposes the utter absurdity.  Amy Schumer the stand-up comic falls short on completing the flip.  For example, she asserts (the obvious) women have a fuckability shelf-life, that after a certain age society sends them out to sea on a rudimentary raft for a viking’s funeral.  The punchline: men have no fuckability shelf-life.  Men are apparently fuckable to the day they die.  Even if that were actually true, which it isn’t entirely, stating our collective indoctrinated gender stereotypes without subversion isn’t particularly funny.  Unless you are a guy.  The guy behind me was cracking up with a sense of optimistic superiority throughout the show (continuous dork laughing is just one of the problems with live stand-up).  If Schumer did her job properly, he’d be feeling like an asshole and my pussy would feel damn empowered.  The big takeaway wasn’t pussy empowerment, it was learning that a “Cherry Sundae” is when you “bust on a girl’s face and then punch her in the nose.”  AMY SCHUMER LIVE

Even though I laughed, I left depressed.  AMY SCHUMER DEPRESSING

Demeter Clarc Tidy Tip: Cascade

CASCADE WITH DAWNI once believed dishwasher detergent was one of those products that I could buy generic without consequences.  I was wrong.  My glass was cloudy.  I blamed age and wear & tear.  Turns out it may have been that cheap detergent.  After a few washings using Cascade with Dawn dissolving detergent pillows my cloudy glass came out crystal clear.  The difference was notable and worth paying for.  No more bottom shelf generic for me.  Cascade really does clean better.   CLOUDY AND CLEAR

I Know It’s Not Right When…

SODA SHOP DATEHe has to google words I use in text messages.  You don’t know what auspicious means?

Auspicious: showing or suggesting that future success is likely.

He spends three dates talking exclusively about himself and then says “I can’t wait to learn everything about you.”BAD DATE CARTOON

I hate his shoes.hermes brown suedeHe cares more about being perceived as cool than he does about my feelings.ONJ AND JOHN TRAVOLTA GREASE

KELLY LE BROCKMy Kelly LeBrock and James Spader references sailed over his thinning hair.JAMES SPADER MANNEQUIN

 

Online Dating Rituals of the American Male

ONLINE DATING RITUALS OF AMERICAN MALEBravo’s Online Dating Rituals of the American Male perfectly illustrates why I will never internet date.  These guys are fucking losers.  They constantly check dating profiles and message hundreds of women with lame cut+paste opening lines.  For these jackholes, it’s a numbers game.  Throw everything against the wall and see what sticks.  When one of the hundreds of women agrees to show up for a date, the asshole immediately ridicules her appearance (in his head and sometimes out loud).  That’s probably because the woman misleadingly labeled her scantily clad, out-of-date, best-lit profile pics as “model” or “aspiring actress.” ONLINE PROFILE PICSDudes who rely on the internet to meet women are pathetic cowards.  Too afraid of rejection to truly put themselves out there, they would rather use their computer for easy hook-ups.  Some dumbass women believe the guy spent hundreds of hours sifting through online profiles until he found HER and then he thought EUREKA she’s the one!  When in reality, he’s messaged 23 other girls that night and she was just the first to respond.  He probably has a second one lined up if she seems unwilling to put out after a couple rounds of cheap happy hour drinks.  ONLINE DATING RITUALS BARWith unrelenting optimism, these women will apparently date anyone.  I know this because my ex’s best friend is a chubby, smelly, unattractive, uninteresting hunched back who trolls the internet for hook-ups at least 3 times a week.  Why anyone would EVER hook up with him (or my lemming ex or any of his stunted loser friends for that matter) is fucking beyond me.  The hunchbacked troll would NEVER have the balls to approach you in real life because he is a spineless pussy.  Do you want to spend your life in pussy purgatory?  No, I didn’t think so.  HUNCHBACKDelete your profile and hold out for a real life human encounter.  I recently got asked out on a date.  Whether it goes anywhere or not, at least I know he contemplated asking me out several weeks before he finally worked up the courage to ask.  The investment of time and energy means something.  Bravery matters.  Hold out for the Knight.  Don’t settle for fleeting encounters with the Troll.  KNIGHT

 

 

35 day stretch…

CAM00343I’m working a 35 day uninterrupted stretch, and I really needed to clean my house today.  After triumphing over a vacuum repair, I was bummed to discover my washing machine is on the fritz.  As the device is less than a year old, this glitch makes me frown.  At least my house is clean now, even if I can’t do laundry.  I ain’t got time for testy appliances.  Fuck a boyfriend, I need a handyperson.FIX IT

After the premiere last night, I needed to sleep on my feelings about the new RHNY Housewife Kristen Taekman.  In a word – vacant.  Would it kill Andy to cast a intelligent woman to raise the discourse above girlish clichés and screeching hysteria?  I hate to say it, but since Bethenny left the RHNY the show has been extra boring and super fake.RHNY S 6People keep coming up to me and complaining of a sore throat.  I ask them if they have humidifiers.  They never do.  That’s why your throat hurts!  Moisten the air fool.HUMIDIFY