Category Archives: TV

I’m watchingk the Hills

LC THE HILLS

MTV has been running morning bingewatch seshes of The Hills every weekday and since there’s nothing like 2006, I’ve been unable to withstand the draw of these vapid bitches.  Can someone please inform Whitney Port there is no “k” at the end of “ing.”  Listen to her.  “Lauren, where are you goingk?” and “Oh my God, that was so embarassingk!”

WHITNEY PORT KAlso, I’ve spotted 2006 versions of Taylor Armstrong, Kourtney Kardashian and Tom Sandoval (from Vanderpump Rules) in The Hills background.  Watching this show years later is like a fun game of spot the desperate social-climbing fame-seeker!TAYLOR ARMSTRONG THE HILLS

 

lOVE/hATE

BRING IT! TOE TOUCHLove ♥ Bring It!  The Lifetime show features a Mississippi dance team called the Dancing Dolls (and their belligerent parents) getting buck in weekly stand battles. DD4L!BRING IT! HEEL TOUCHHate ≈ Bitter, hateful texts from my Ex.  Really?  It’s been over a year, so I was hoping we were well past the intentionally mean break-up phase.MEANLove ♥ Kirkland Sparkling Flavored Water.  In my quest for a zero calorie natural Diet Coke replacement, I stumbled upon this awesome beverage.  This stuff is magical.  I don’t understand how it’s calorie free, artificial sweetener-free, and still bursts with flavor.  Not only that, it’s fortified with Vitamin D, Niacin, B6, B12, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid, and Green Tea Extract.  I’m suspicious because it is seemingly so guilt-free.  By the way, I haven’t had a single Diet Coke since I quit.  Not one.KIRKLAND SPARKLING FLAVORED WATERHate ≈ My Dumbass Bank.  I spent the week untangling a mess at my financial institution because they are too stupid to understand onion routing, and I was too dumb to know not to use to Tor for online banking.  Let this annoying hassle be a cautionary tale.  Bitcoin is the only currency your Tor should ever see. ONION HEADS

 

Seen

MYSTERY GIRLSFor research and curiosity’s sake, I watched the first two episodes of Tori Spelling’s new scripted series Mystery Girls.  While one might think a Jennie Garth/Tori Spelling nostalgia combo platter would be comforting, in actuality it’s just depressing (not to mention poorly written).  I’m starting to think Tori Spelling lives her whole life as though it was episodic television.  Skip Mystery Girls in favor of Cabin FeverTori and Dean’s Canadian lake cabin renovation reality show filmed last year before all the cheating drama went public.  Some of the renovation ideas are cute and clever.  The kids show up, and I was so happy to see precious Patsy.  Bear witness to the last days of Tori & Dean.  Trouble finding Cabin Fever?  That’s because the reality-renovation show’s marooned on Great American Country (yeah, apparently that’s a network).  CABIN FEVERI’ve seen Obvious Child.  Twice.  I don’t want to tell you what to think about it, but I recommend you support this movie in the theater.  We need more projects like this one funded and available in wide release.  Gaby Hoffman is everything.  I need her to doula my baby.  Jenny Slate, you were on the brink of alienating us with your conspicuous, showy, enduring display of impossibly toned abs.  OBVIOUS CHILDI finally got around to watching Orange is the New Black.  (Thanks Lisa&Paul.)  Well worth your time, but I warn you binge watching that show locked me into such an incarcerated headspace.  I’m late on the bandwagon, so I won’t bother repeating how well-written, diverse, and interesting OITNB is… just get around to it if you haven’t already.OITNB

 

$$$cushion$$$

MONEY BEDIn the last few weeks, I know six different people who experienced shitty luck with their cars.  Four of those incidents were parked hit and runs.  In three of the four situations, the cowardly assailant didn’t leave a note.  Another girl backed into a pole.  Another lost her keys.  I learned from observing the way these folks weathered their losses.  In the first draft of this post, I was tempted to write that “unexpectedly” shitty things happen in life, but if I’m honest, I do expect shitty things to happen and that’s why I’m often better prepared for them than most people.  I’m not smug; I’m just unrelentingly pessimistic.SUZE ORMAN DENIEDI’m not trying to get all Suze Orman on your ass, but do you have sufficient savings to cushion a crisis should one arise?  A couple of the aforementioned victims make good salaries, but when life turded in their path they panicked and had to borrow money.  I’m willing to loan people money in a pinch.  Though I confess I throw a little side-eye when people who make shit-ton of cash don’t have any sort of emergency stash to weather life’s downturns. PIGGY BANK PONDERSPeople measure security in different ways, but a year’s worth of living expenses in an emergency fund is a reasonable start.  (Calculating in your head?  Double the number. We underestimate spending.)  Should life deal you illness, job loss, or a tornado, a shittymoments fund ensures tragedy isn’t compounded by financial stress.  Once you get your fund established and are enjoying a stress-free stretch of life, some of you will be tempted to blow your safety cash on an extravagant purchase.  DON’T.  Giuseppe Zanottis aren’t that chic when you are living out of your car.CAR HOUSE

Kate Plus 8: love & hate

JON AND KATE GOSSELIN AND SEXTUPLETSI have such mixed feelings on Kate Gosselin.  As a blanket feeling, I can’t respect a woman who sought unnecessary fertility treatment and then spends the rest of her life acting put upon when all the monkeying around resulted in sextuplets.  You are in a hell of your own making bitch.  Don’t complain when you get what you asked for.KATE MADY CARAThe fame, the money, it has clearly gone to her head in the form of extensions – Kate’s serving us county fair Pennsylvania pageant hair in lieu of her former hedgehog head.  Her body is tight, and her forehead is even tighter.  She’s improved components of her appearance over the years, but they apparently haven’t developed a plastic surgery to correct bitchface because that is her countenance all day long.KATE GOSSELIN BITCHFACEHer mothering lacks warmth.  She yells.  She doesn’t hug.  She doesn’t smile.  She humiliates.  She lacks compassion.  She’s a white-knuckle parent trying to control her children like a disciplined child army.  Did you see how she Mommie Dearest-ed Mady?  She refused to let Mady win the stupid game, but Kate was underhandedly nice enough to invite Mady’s best friend Jenna as a surprise.  I guess Cara didn’t have any friends to include?MADY AND KATEAll that said, Kate gets a few things right.  The Gosselin kids complete chores and therefore understand responsibility and hard work.  Kate has instilled a sense of team work and camaraderie in her kids that will serve them throughout their lives long after they have escaped her overly-controlling clutches.  Kate creates structure.  Kate sets limits.  Kate tries to provide fun for her kids.  It’s just that she’s such a miserable bitch she even ruins the good times.KATE GOSSELIN YELLSThe kids appear intelligent, well-spoken, polite, and scared.  Mady’s still the thorn in her mother’s side and I can’t wait to read her inevitable tell-all.  It’s just a matter of time before Collin grows taller than Kate, looks down at her and says “shut the fuck up Mom.”  Can the cameras please capture that developmental milestone?KATE JOEL COLLINFor this TLC special, Kate wants to go big for the sextuplet’s tenth birthday.  Kate wants a carnival theme.  Too bad she’s not listening to what the kids want.  Clearly, what these kids want is to feel like an only child for one day.  Only children get to be alone with their parents.  Only children get to do what they want to do without compromise.  The greatest gift she could give those kids on their birthday is time away from their siblings.KATE PLUS 8 TLCOn each of the six days proceeding the birthday, take one kid out each day.  On the seventh day, have a family party.  Some of you are saying – what are you going to do with the other kids when you are out with that one kid?  No doubt the Gosselins employ nannies.  Cooperate with Jon for the good of the kids.  Make it work.  For someone who considers herself an organizational marvel, a day focused on one child can’t be any harder than planning an elaborate backyard carnival that’s more for the network than it is for the kids.GOSSELIN SEXTUPLETS

 

Dear Tori, I don’t believe you.

(This is an unsolicited letter to Tori Spelling.  It is full of mean-spirited judgment and opinions and shouldn’t be taken seriously.)POOR TORI

Dear Tori,

I’m calling bullshit on you True Tori.  I don’t believe you didn’t know Dean was cheating.  I don’t believe that “Emily Goodhand” is the first and only affair.  If “Emily Goodhand” indeed exists, she’s obviously been paid for her contractually obligated silence.  I suspect there’s been a series of Goodhands in Dean’s pants.TORI DEAN THERAPY

You boo-fucking-hoo in therapy about wanting Dean to nurture you like a baby.  You’re a big girl.  You’re just unaccustomed to difficult times because your whole life has been cushioned by money and fame.  If I had to deal with your needy princess attitude, I would cheat on you too.  Where did you get the misguided notion that you are entitled to a fairy tale when you stole another woman’s husband?  He’s a cheater.  You’re a cheater.  Since you’re both morally lax filthy homewreckers, the demise of your ill-conceived relationship is a surprise to no one (least of all your cast aside ex-spouses).TRUE TORI UGLY CRY

Mrs. McDermott, you claim you can’t express anger.  Please, it’s obvious you are expressing your anger by forcing Dean to participate in a public flogging.  You just didn’t suspect the self-righteous masses to throw a few rotten tomatoes at your hypocritical ass too.  No one buys your poor, poor, Tori reality show narrative arc.  You are not a victim.  You made a series of selfish and immature decisions that have landed you in a shitbox.  You are the architect of your own misfortune.TRUE TORI KITCHEN FIGHT

Tori, I don’t believe you really had a migraine.  Photo-phobia is a common symptom for migraine suffers.  When I have a migraine, the room must be pitchblack.  You were basking in your hospital bed in full makeup with natural light pouring in from the windows in addition to the Lifetime camera crew’s bright-ass lighting rig.  The tide of public opinion has turned so strongly against you that I’m accusing you of scraping the bottom of the pity ploy barrel with a faked health crisis.  As an added bonus, the migraine spell conveniently forced Dean to nurture you like a baby.TORI HOSPITAL

With regard to your parenting, you should be ashamed.  Your own narcissistic desire for fame has clearly usurped the part of your brain and soul that houses your common sense, compassion, self-respect, and maternal instinct.  What kind of mother sells her divorce story despite the damage it will cause her offspring?  Those kids know everything, TRUST.  Thanks to Mom, now the whole mess is saved for posterity in the form of a low-rated Lifetime reality show.DEAN AND HATTIE

As for the future, Dean’s an opportunist.  I don’t think he’s ever cared about anyone but himself.  He isn’t going to change.  He’s not a good actor even when he’s trying to feign contrition to save his own ass.  If you stay together, he will continue to cheat.  If you don’t, you’ll be a divorced mom with 4 kids paying alimony to a cheating ex who’s out banging chicks.DEAN MCDERMOTT CHICKSAs my Mother told me often as a child: life is not fair.  People have suffered far greater tragedies than this.  You’ll survive.  Even though you are acting like a pathetic fool, we still all want the best for you.  Donna Martin Graduates!DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES

With ♥ even though I’m mean,

DC

p.s. that heart sweater is utterly heinous.TORI HEART SWEATER FUG

 

I thee dread: unholy kardashian/west union

An Italian Wedding is Formaggio. Forte di Belvedere o di San Giorgio Firenze

Neither of these fools are Italian, so besides their deep appreciation for pasta, what is the point of dragging everyone to Florence via Paris to wed at the Florentine equivalent of Fort Knox, the Forte di Belvedere o di San Giorgio Firenze?  It’s just so cliché, basta.  And the study-abroad capital Florence ain’t all that.  There are far more interesting places than fucking snoozy-ass Florence.

Fundamental IncompatibilityKIM K KORNROWS

Recent Kim Kardashian quote on racism:

To be honest, before I had North, I never really gave racism or discrimination a lot of thought. It is obviously a topic that Kanye is passionate about, but I guess it was easier for me to believe that it was someone else’s battle.

Classic Kanye West quote on racism:

George Bush doesn’t care about black people. GB DOESN'T CARE

Once a bold and critical voice in the race relations discourse, Kanye has become his own worst hypocritical self-penned stereotype by wedding a super privileged white girl who will never understand the painful experience of surviving as a minority.  In this one matrimonial gesture, Kanye can kiss his credibility in this conversation good-bye.  She will never understand what it means to be black and he will always resent her for it.  Sadly, North will pay the price of their relationship’s racial ambivalence. KIM KANYE NORTH WEST

Kardashian Bridal Fatigue

KIM AND KRIS HUMPHRIESWe just witnessed Kim’s marriage to Kris Humphries less than 3 years ago in a huge televised event.  Then we had to endure the inevitable unraveling of their showmance.  With the Vogue cover, we’ve already seen the 2014 version of the bride and groom.  I’m not excited about her dress.  I’m not excited about his dress.  I’m not invested.  We’ve walked this flower petaled aisle with you before Kim Kardashian and it always dead-ends at the alter.  Now the Kourtney and Scott wedding, that I would watch.KOURTNEY SCOTT MASON

 

May 2014 Horoscopes

TaurusTAURUS TORI SPELLING

Happy Birthday Taurus!  After a month of oppositional and tense energy, you are ready for a change both outwardly and inwardly.  Whether it’s a freshening of your personal appearance or a sprucing of your home, invest in a few significant upgrades in May.  Mother’s Day could be a real bitch this year.  Particularly reactive on the 11th, it’s easy to slip back into childish patterns.  Remember you are grown.  Give a nice gift and a pleasant (albeit forced) smile.  Keep your mouth shut or stuff it with pancakes.  Before making any big promises socially or professionally to team up and dream up, view the entire situation through a critical side-eye.  Get nakedly honest regarding the commitment the collaboration entails.  Don’t allow leisure activities originally intended for fun to become burdensome and stressful.  Scale back birthday plans to your nearest and dearest.  Not everybody and their cousin merits an invite.

GeminiGEMINI JOLIE

The days before your birthday are for quiet retreat, Gemini.  The spotlight will soon be yours, take care of any messiness or undone chores nagging your subconscious.  Gemini’s spring cleaning includes weeding your friendship flowerbed of unhealthy additions.  The energy on Mother’s Day could present a number of challenges.  Expect tense family dynamics if you plan to spend the day among loved ones.  Play with the kiddos as an effective strategy for staying out of the fray.  Concerning your health, when is the last time you had a check-up or any preventive care?  Take care of yourself.

Cancer

Embrace light-hearted fun in May, Cancer.  Twirl around parties.  Gossip and flirt.  Enjoy yourself by keeping conversations easy breezy.  Celebrating Mom may feel like a real chore this year, or you may not feel like you are getting credit where credit is due from your own ungrateful offspring and spouse.  Tense energy in the crabshell foreshadows a change in the domestic sphere.  Towards the end of the month, quiet the noise, slow down, and meet unmet obligations in preparation for your birthday.

 LeoJENNIFER LOPEZ LEO

Tap into your blonde ambition Leo, May is the month to make shit happen in your personal industry sector.  Light a match under your ass at work and go for it.  If you can’t see yourself moving onward and upward at your current grind, then put your energy into finding a more rewarding career.  Either way, your efforts will be rewarded.  May showers manifest as tears on Mother’s Day this year.  The tense energy makes for uncomfortable family gatherings.  If you know you can’t control your reactionary temper in the familial context, then limit your dealings to the minimum you can politely manage.

 VirgoBEYONCE VIRGO

Virgo embraces adventure in May.  The daring could take many forms from the obvious – last minute travel – to the less obvious – a meditative journey inward.  Whatever trip you take, there’s a lesson in it for you.  Mother’s Day might be a mutherfucker for reasons beyond your control.  What is within your control is your reaction to unprovoked attacks.  Take a few deep breaths, imbibe a cocktail, and focus on what you love about your family.  With regard to your central relationship, you gotta decide if you are all in or all out because nobody can keep track of your pendulum swinging heart.

 Libra

Libra craves intimacy and meaningful connection in May.  Spend time with your sweetie cuddled up at home.  The oppositional energy of the Grand Cross carries into May.  Libra certainly felt the harsh angles of this unusual stellar arrangement.  Why not take a self-imposed recovery period?  It’s a nice way of sparing us your moody discontentment.  Usually the family diplomat, this Mother’s Day your peace-making talents take temporary leave.  Mid-month, enjoy a burst of full moon Scorpio energy that stimulates career success.

 ScorpioWHOOPI GOLDBERG

Scorpio loves powerful partnership, and the desire to collaborate works up a hunger to define your latest relationship.  Total devotion forms the foundation of your dream union.  Most beings are not capable of that level of intensity or the totality of sacrifice required for mating with you.  Don’t belabor unsatisfying affiliations.  Honor your Ma on Mother’s Day whether near, far, or departed.  Extra-raw on the 11th, Scorpio’s got tail up, stinger poised.  Retract your weaponry Scorpio, today isn’t the day for offensive maneuvering.  We’re all suffering under the same strain, so send up a puff of compassion instead of attacking the weak and vulnerable.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius is ready for some late spring cleaning in May.  First, file your paperwork and thin the stacks of clutter.  Next, pull out some pots and plant yourself a little windowsill garden.  The plants will nourish you in unforeseen ways in the coming months.  They will also clean the air and pump your home full of fresh oxygen.  Ferocious family dynamics have the potential to ruin Mother’s Day.  Unable to hold your tongue under this irrational influence, Sags could be major contributors to the chaos.  Even though at times it feels as though you’ve outgrown your friends, your own self-limiting beliefs are the source of most of your misdirected judgment and criticism.

CapricornCAPRICORN KATE MIDDLETON

Capricorn gets especially expressive in May after feeling downright repressed in April.  For the most part, this chatty streak works to your benefit.  Mother’s Day is the major exception.  Thoughtless comments and misconstrued humor could spark intense overreactions.  Bring a nice gift and stuff your face with food.  Lay in the cut and don’t be a dick.  It isn’t up to you to fix your family.  Instead of wasting energy on unsolicited advice for your clan, apply that care-taking energy to yourself.  Spend the last week of May organizing your life.  Tidy your home.  Eat better.  Refresh the wardrobe.

 AquariusSHAKIRA AQUARIUS

After an incredibly intense April, Aquarius requires a respite!  All the drama, stress, and conflict depleted your resources and patience.  Of all the signs, you are poised to deliver the best Mother’s Day as either the recipient or giver.  However you chose to celebrate motherhood, keep it low key and pampering.  Now is not the time to plan the world’s most elaborate brunch.  Even French toast can’t compete with selfish tantrum throwers – who are bound to make an appearance on the 11th.  Mid-month, an energetic boost in your career helps you decide if you should stay or go.

Pisces

Your noggin is stormy with ideas in May, Pisces.  The notions come quickly and without much elaboration, so keep a notebook handy to jot down thoughts as they strike lightening fast.  A cloud hovers over Mother’s Day.  Pisces acts out with unpredictable moodiness.  If you are struggling to maintain your composure in your toxic familial soup, think of them as strangers and just be polite.  You wouldn’t overtly roll your eyes at a stranger across the lunch table, so don’t do it to your sister at family gatherings.  Towards the end of the month, Pisces feels especially emotionally vulnerable.  Spend this time alone or with a few trusted pals – no needy whiners!

 Aries ARIES REESE

With May comes a healthy dose of reality, Aries.  Start with an assessment of your finances.  Look at your accounts and compare the credit to debit columns.  If you’re running a deficit, you must reverse the flow from outgoing to incoming.  In order to do so, you will have to sacrifice some of your material desires.  Put quality thought and effort into honoring your mother this Mother’s Day.  Defy your selfish reputation by seizing this wonderful opportunity to display your thoughtfulness and love.  Aries’ sexual relationship gets a surge of intensity from the scorpion mid-month.  Everything you’ve been holding back will come spilling out in a gush of brutal honesty.

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: the birthday dinner

SATC 35 BIRTHDAYI’m all for going big on birthdays.  I’m happy to be included in an ensemble dinner celebrating my friend’s birth.  What I do not enjoy is picking up the financial slack for the other diners.  Explicitly, attendance at a birthday dinner means you are communally paying for the birthday boy/girl’s dinner, drinks, and gratuity.  I was recently at a dinner of about 15 people celebrating a friend’s birthday.  I told the server to put birthday girl’s order on my tab.  Whether the majority lack mindfulness or are just cheap, only 2 people of 15 attendees offered a contribution to the birthday girl’s portion of the bill.  I can’t excuse such grotesque and tacky behavior.  These grown folks should know better.  Err on the side of generosity in dealing with matters that involve communal cash.  Verify the bill is adequately covered including a generous tip for the server.  If you are invited to such a dinner and finances are a concern, it’s your responsibility to budget for you + 1, which may mean you order one less drink or a less expensive meal.   BILL SPLITTER