What do you think of the sentences handed down to Joe and Teresa Giudice? I’m not a fan of stupidity, so I’ve never much cared for those two tacky trolls, but to envision Teresa attempting to flip a bolted-down table in a federal penitentiary is almost unimaginable. As predicted, the judge set their sentences, 15 months for Teresa and 41 months for Joe, to run one after another so a parent is always home with girls. Their eldest daughter Gia is 14, she’ll be out of high school and off to college (or the stripper pole) before her parents are done with their tag-team incarceration. For the next 5 years, the girls will be living with one parent while the other parent is in prison. That’s fucked. At least Teresa’s well-prepared. Could any other show better train you for the clink than The Real Housewives of New Jersey? Even though her bitch-fighting skills may be well-honed, I still recommend she perfect her jailhouse Fabellini recipe before (to quote Apollo Nida) going “asunder.” As for that little meatball Joe, I’m concerned for him and his ability to stomach prison.Do you think these two will stay married through the dark days? I believe they will. When you are in the shit that deep with someone, how do you leave? Conversely, some gossips are saying Joe threw Teresa under the bus and that their marriage is destroyed. As for the future of the Real Housewives of New Jersey franchise, do you think the shamelessly desperate-for-ratings Andy Cohen will march Dina Manzo down to the prison for a little OITNB visitation moment? I’m simultaneously disgusted and interested in such a notion, and that makes me feel a little dirty. In preparation for her on-air visit, I visualize Teresa swarmed by a makeshift jailhouse glam squad attempting to thread her eyebrows with an unraveling sheet, affix her hair with Jolly Rancher hairspray, and lacquer her lips with Kool-Aid.Allegedly, Bravo has stalled filming the reunion until the sentences were handed down. This strategy has understandably created some hostility. In addition, there’s been talk of a contractually obligated first interview on Watch What Happens Live. It’s Shakespearean that the very network that created the stars will be the same one to exploit and profit from all the gory details of their undoing.
Happy Birthday Libra! Enjoy the warm glow of the sun shining on you during October. Your flock has been rather needy lately, but this month focus on yourself and your own agenda. Instead of trying to organize a self-fête, let your friends plan your birthday celebration. Use Mercury’s retrograde to bathe in nostalgia; include a few pals from the past in your party. Libras will feel the impact of the retrograde professionally. Leave yourself extra time and patience to deal with the accompanying snafus. Realize that the retrograde has a protective quality. Should a situation that you’ve pinned your hopes on fall apart, consider it a blessing in disguise. A lunar eclipse on the 8th strongly nudges Libra to make a decision with regard to your relationship. The second eclipse on the 23rd shifts your standard of living. You’re movin’ on up. Dress the part.
The month before your birthday is best spent resting and preparing for the excitement to come, Scorpio. This restorative energy supports healing and closure. With Mercury in retrograde for most of the month, work the backspinning energy to finish what’s undone and release whatever you need to let go. Retire your bossy and assertive qualities in October in favor of quiet and easy-going because (unusually) you just won’t feel up to a fight. Optimize your health on the lunar eclipse which lands on the 8th. Use this energy to restore balance, clean up any personal messiness, and see a professional if you have any lingering concerns. By the 23rd, the cocooning concludes and you are ready to step into the light of your birthday shine. Caution: October is NOT the month for a radical alteration of your physical appearance.
October yields numerous social benefits as Sagittarius acts as unofficial cruise director for the rest of the zodiac. Gee wiz, with Mercury in retrograde and two different eclipses occurring this month, we could all use a little levity. The best connections come from situations where you are selflessly giving of your time, talent, and resources. Embrace an “out with the old in with the new” philosophy when it comes to relationships. A person in your sphere may be dicking around working unscrupulous angles behind your back. If the situation smells fishy, pass on the sushi. This is a terrible month to rely heavily or exclusively on technology. Have a secondary plan in place should your device fail you.
October spells achievement for Capricorn. No aim is too high. Go for it because success is likely with the sun illuminating your professional accomplishments. Mercury goes retrograde for most of this month. This energy can cause disruptions in technology and communication, so be patient if your underlings spend most of the month pathetically thrashing around in their own chaos. The first eclipse on the 8th is bound to influence the way you see your relationships. A definitive answer will reveal itself clearly. The second eclipse on the 23rd invites a new circle of friends into your life. Single Caps may find a suitable partner among this new group.
October has a conflicted agenda for you Aquarius. You are imbued with an urge to fly free and travel, but grounded by the complications of pesky Mercury in retrograde which can really fuck up your travel plans. Plan a getaway to commence after the 25th for your best luck in adventuring. For sure you’ll want to flee because an uncomfortably tense work environment develops over the next month. Avoiding the conflict or annoying person won’t work this time. You’re gonna have to nut-up and address it lest it escalate further into a professional embarrassment. The first eclipse of the month on the 8th drops unexpected news. The second eclipse later in the month provides a fresh start at work.
October is best spent with your most trusted circle, Pisces. Distribution of finances serves as a major theme this month. Suddenly, you are very interested in where your money goes and with whom you share it. Money plays out as a key issue in relationships – from whether you choose to partner to whether you opt to split. Opportunities for passive income are great, just don’t get seduced by sketchy schemers offering you the world before you see a dime. Use Mercury’s retrograde energy to seal up any old heartbreaks. Reach out to make amends. Avoid signing contracts this month as you are likely to miss important details.
I wouldn’t call it flailing, but the last couple months haven’t been your most graceful, Aries. October blows a crisp wind of change in your favor. You return to your rightful place at the head of the pack where you express your individuality without reservation. Especially interested getting noticed and heard, take effort to look your best. Quality food and sleep make a substantive difference in your attitude and appearance. Others notice you’re bursting with extra fruit flavor this month and want to get close for a taste. The lunar eclipse in Aries happens on the 8th which will be one of your most auspicious days of the year, and therefore a perfect day for setting a plan into motion. Drop any dead (relationship) weight before this day so as not to obstruct your good luck.
Taurus loves a good organization sesh, and October is the perfect time to clean up the mess. Which dark corners of your life could use a good sweep, Taurus? Are you fat? Are you living in filth? Is your credit shameful? Of course not, you’re perfect, right? You work well within the structure of a system, just keep it simple. When you over-complicate you’re less likely to follow through. Mercury’s retrograde tosses in the standard communication complications this month, but it’s nothing you can’t handle with your trademark patience. The lunar eclipse is known for suddenly shifting energy, so change is on the menu for October especially in the realm of healing.
October brings big fun Gemini! You are especially attractive and bold this month. Choose among your many admirers. Mercury retrogrades for most of the month. For Gemini this backspin manifests in saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person. A verbal lapse in judgment could cost you dearly. Curtail your gossipy nature this fall. The lunar eclipse promises a healthy dose of like-it-or-not change. Expect to clean out your friendship circle under the influence of this eclipse in particular. On the 23rd, take proactive steps to protect your health. Administrate kid! Become the Tracy Flick of your own life.
Snug in at home this October, Cancer. While you’re staring at the wall, rearrange the furniture so you can stare at a different one. Funnel your energy into a home makeover, it’s a lot more constructive than most of your other self-soothing activities. From October 4-25, Mercury goes retrograde and travel plans delay, communication breaks down and electronics glitch. Draw upon your most saintly patience and wait out the storm. Provide yourself options in the event you’re stranded. Wrap yourself up in nostalgia to take your mind off annoying retrograde-related distractions. October makes a great month to catch up with old allies.
Speak your truth, Leo! October makes an excellent time for devout honesty. Expect October to fly by with a ton of responsibility and opportunities for fun. Get your best fall outfit together and go get ‘em. You catch wind of a number of inspiring ideas from interesting people during your myriad engagements. Mercury goes retrograde and with all the possible complications, there are definitely better times to travel, contract, and communicate crucial information. That said, life can’t grind to a halt based on one little backspining planet, so take the proper precautions, back up your data and march ahead soldier. With regard to relationships, Leo feels this retrograde in dealings with a female relative this month. Say what needs to be said Lion – after all your theme this month is devout honesty! Just take a cue from the retrograde and pause a beat before you go hard on anyone. Some words can’t be unsaid.
Prioritize work this October, Virgo. Always industrious, October’s work focus allays some of your post-birthday financial anxiety. As you may have heard, Mercury goes retrograde for most of October and that means electronics glitch, planes delay, and contracting should be avoided. In addition to the retrograde, a pair of eclipses – a lunar on the 8th and a new moon on the 23rd – cause quite a reckoning. The first event forces blunt endings to unsatisfying situations, especially shitty relationships. The second of these two celestial events makes an ideal time for seeding a dream into a future reality.
After a series of escalating bills and shitty service, I finally told the cable company, Satan’s subsidiary, to suck my left one today when I turned in my DVR for good. I cut the cord and it feels damn good. I only watch 4 channels anyway (albeit obsessively), so what’s the point in paying for 995 others? Yes, there will be sacrifices – the most painful among them letting go of my daily dose of Wendy Williams. Virtually everything else I watch is available online anyway. Roku. Chromecast. There are numerous options for leveraging the internet into your main television content provider. Speaking of watching online, you know Downton Abbey’s currently airing in the U.K.? The premiere episode was a doozy. Edith deserves a good finger-wagging.
I’m taking this new approach to relationships where I wait at least a month before fucking. Exercising self-restraint can be difficult, but it’s not impossible. Within a month, most people reveal themselves. By removing the influence of sex on the early days of a relationship, I can clearly evaluate whether the partnership has legs before my whole heart, soul, and body get tied up in the decision. I’m not saying I don’t get down to some extent. The probationary period is a good time to get a bright light look at his junk to make sure there aren’t any areas of concern. Enjoy a good retro makeout sesh. Take this time to find out if he’s got any bratty kids, psycho exs, or a shitty credit score. Use this month to weed out the pigs, weirdos, assholes, morons, and cheapskates. This is not some purity ring propaganda. It’s about particularity not prudishness. I’m a feminist, so do what you will with your vagina, but also think back on your checkered sexual past; when have you regretted NOT having sex with someone? Exactly.
An ex-boyfriend from 18 years ago called my work twice yesterday looking for me. He insisted on leaving his number with my assistants because he’s in my town for the weekend. I haven’t talked to this kid in at least 10 years, and we didn’t part well. I’m not sure what makes him think I want to see him. He is very accessible on the internet, so if I wanted access to him I could have had it years ago. I, on the other hand, go out of my way to keep a low profile. I don’t have a Facebook page. I clearly don’t want to be found. I have no interest in catching up with random people who orbit my life with the infrequency of Halley’s Comet. Furthermore, his approach to the situation tells me that his worst qualities have only ripened with age. He’s obviously known for quite some time that he would be in town covering a particular event. A courteous and thoughtful person would have sent an email with a little advance notice. Instead, he called my place of employment multiple times in one day like some sort of crazed stalker and just assumed I’ll be elated to drop my packed schedule to accommodate his last minute demands. Selfish much? That’s why we broke up asshole. Unfortunately, I’m going to the event on Saturday so there’s a chance we could run into each other….Ugh…I hate ex-boyfriend run-in paranoia.
Sorry I’ve been kinda slackass. I met somebody interesting, and we’ve been spending time together. You know how it goes, girl.
The “new” View sux. I’m disoriented by the set change. Rosie O’Donnell’s gastric sleeve operation seems to have concentrated her already abrasive nature. I used to like her. Now, not so much. Whoopi seems super unhappy. She should have accepted the contract buyout allegedly offered by the network and split to less hostile pastures. Rosie Perez served as the least annoying addition to the stage, but her talent is wasted in this format. I haven’t bothered to learn the Republican’s name yet. She wears her hair in a layered bob, so that’s all I need to know about her. I’m keeping up with the Spring 2015 RTW collections, but many have disappointed. Bodycon’s been trending out for awhile now, but for Spring 2015 it is gone. There were a number of voluminous and oddly shaped garments parading down the runways. I’m all for avant-garde, but clothing must flatter first. Distilling these trends into a wearable narrative may prove challenging.
TOM FORD · SPRING 2015 RTW
The Made in Chelsea gang spent the summer in NYC. The MIC NYC finale just aired so you can bingewatch the season on 4oD. If you are like me, you’ll have opinions about Billie. And please note Alik’s overly passionate succubus kissing style. He looks like he’s going to swallow little Louise whole. On the Diet Coke substitution tip, faithful reader Leah Love suggested Perrier as a pleasing alternative. I’m currently investigating. Thanks for the suggestion Mizz Love. (((Hugs babygirl))) Working the next 18 days straight, so don’t assume if I’m not on the daily that I’m dickmatized. Just working hard bitches, thanks for your patience and understanding. ♥ DC