The Current Rotation: April is the Cruelest Month

BROKEN BELLS AFTER THE DISCOafter the disco × broken bellsBEWARE BIG SEANbeware × big sean featuring lil wayne and jhené aiko

THIS WILL DESTROY YOU

this will destroy you × they move on tracks of never-ending light ALPHA OMEGAruler of them all × alpha and omega

Most Annoying

LAUREN CONRADIt is most annoying when I am making plans with a friend and she frames the agenda around her boyfriend’s needs.  “My boyfriend wants to stay here.” or “I can’t.  My boyfriend’s work schedule changed.”  I get partnership, responsibility sharing and whatnot, but I don’t give a fuck about your boyfriend’s preferences.  I’m friends with you and not your boyfriend.  Chances are I’ve known you longer than you’ve known your boyfriend.  I was here before your boyfriend.  I will be here long after your boyfriend is gone.  Please remember that truth when you dick me to swing off your boyfriend’s nutsack.  Furthermore, your boyfriend would find you a lot more interesting if you had your own life and exercised a modicum of independence.NUTSACK

You don’t need…

LAXATIVEYou don’t need a laxative; eat more berries. BERRIES

You don’t need to leave your husband and kids for a lesbian 20 years your junior; acknowledge you’re having mid-life crisis.

MIDLIFE CRISISYou don’t need an electronic cigarette; you need a vape pen. VAPE PEN

You don’t need to feel like you’re missing out if you aren’t watching Lindsay; it’s boring as fuck.

LINDSAY BORING

slackadaisical

OVERSCHEDULED

Apologies.  It’s been an every-other-day type of week.  I won’t makes excuses; we’re all over-scheduled.  Let’s catch up, shall we?

PALTROW AND MARTIN

A word on Paltrow and Martin, I’m surprised she stayed as long as she did.  Sure, she’s insufferable, but he’s fermented into cheddar along with his crappy soft-rock band.  He’s no longer a prestige partner, and Gwyneth only does prestige, hunny.  Speculation continues to swirl over who fucked whom during the rumored open marriage.  Do you think Jay-Z belongs in that rumor mill, ya’ll?

JAYZ AND PALTROW

Regarding the plane, I’m just going to say it though it may be irresponsible.  I think the missing plane was shot down by the military – probably accidentally.  Which country’s military, I don’t know, but they are drawing attention to the end of the earth for a reason.  It’s a classic diversion and cover-up scenario.  The whole situation is super suspicious.  My heart aches for the families in the emotional limbo of unknowing.

UNKNOWING

I finished my taxes myself.  Like middle school, I’m just glad it’s over.

TAX COLLECTORS OFFICE

 

The Grand Cardinal Cross

GRAND CARDINAL CROSSAfter reading your horoscopes, many of you have questions about the significance of the Grand Cardinal Cross.  In April, the Grand Cardinal Cross manifests in the following configuration:  Uranus in Aries (fire), Jupiter in Cancer (water), Mars in Libra (air), and Pluto in Capricorn (earth).GRAND CARDINAL CROSS ILLUSUranus in Aries makes you want to assert your individual power for radical change, but you also don’t give a fuck if your Norma Rae rant alienates others.  Jupiter in Cancer expands your domestic sphere – think big hearth/big heart.  Mars forces Libra to confront conflict instead of always trying to inconspicuously smooth over the bumps.  Pluto in Capricorn means you begin to understand the shaky infrastructure of the beastly organizations upon which we precariously rely.2014 GRAND CARDINAL CROSS

The celestial tug-of-war could effect you in a number of ways: sleeplessness, parental issues, angry outbursts, frustration, abrupt conclusions, and forced change.  Somatically, I experience the building tension as a pressure headache.  Whatever your weakness, Grand Cardinal Cross demands you strengthen it.  Unsavory habits gotta go.4 WAY TUG

April 2014 Horoscopes

AriesARIES

Happy Birthday Aries!  You wish this month was all cupcakes, balloons, and celebrations, but instead it’s all tense energy and big decisions.  Over the past few months, Aries has struggled in balancing domestic and professional responsibilities.  In April, that struggle to please converts into resentment over ignoring your own personal needs.  You give, you give, and you give and they still want more!  You’ve realized there is no end to their greedy thirst for your energy.  Quench your own thirst first in April.  April gifts you with the Grand Cross of tension between Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, and Pluto.  These are not the four planets you want playing together in your astrological sandbox.  The Grand Cross isn’t having any of your martyr shit, Aries.  If you over-give, it will deplete you.  After several months of waffling, April forces change in your relationships.  Often, you are the one that is difficult to get along with, so stop blaming others for the strife.  Even though energetically this is a challenging month for you Aries, it does give you the opportunity to show off some of your best qualities: your courage, generosity, and strength.  Regardless of the chaos and forced change that ensues in April, make decisions based on compassion.  By doing so, you will surface on the other side of this foursquare of tense energy proud of how you navigated the obstacles.

TaurusTAURUS

The majority of April serves as your pre-birthday rest period Taurus.  Unmotivated to meet the needs of others’ agendas, Taurus would rather stay in and sleep off those springtime allergies.  Embrace positive change in April by applying that notoriously strong self-discipline to areas of slack.  Quit smoking.  Lay off the booze.  Leave the line unsnorted.  The planets provide a helping hand in releasing negative habits.  The “Grand Cross” everyone keeps referring to is not a new Pilates machine.  Jupiter brings an exploration of new ideas which cause you to question and ditch some antiquated beliefs.  Often your inner skeptic keeps you from moving forward.  Let her protect you from all the shady douches running amok this month.  Take extra good care of yourself in April as your immune system is weakened.  Say “No” more than you say “Yes.”

GeminiGEMINI

Gemini gathers up the like-minded in April.  Instead of just talking about wanting to make a positive change in the world why don’t you actually do something positive?  Others welcome your sudden streak of self-expression as long as you serve intelligent ideas that are actually your own.  April’s tense Grand Cross planetary alignment spotlights all your financial messiness.  Sure, you do okay in the paycheck department, but what is your long-term financials strategy?  How much do you piss away on meaningless expenditures?  With regard to romance, beware of unresolved feelings and patterns.  Don’t disappear into other people.  Gemini loves to have a bunch of friends, but you aren’t very selective in who tags along.  In April, it becomes very clear who in your circle actually gives a fuck and who is a user.  By letting go of unhealthy attachments to parasitic people you will open up to new love and more fulfilling relationships.

CancerCANCER

Cancer hyperfocuses on career in April.  By prioritizing your own agenda and using that irrepressible Cancer charm to grease the right people that promotion you’ve been vying for could very well be yours.  Expect family and domestic drama this month – perhaps an unexpected drop-in from your sister or mom?  It could also mean a surprise move or unintended pregnancy.  Whatever excitement the stars have in store for you change is on the menu.  With the Grand Cardinal Cross influence there’s risk of calibrating into old destructive patterns thereby curtailing your progress.  When overwhelmed by the demands of both work and home ask for help.  Your standards for companionship are laughably low and it becomes glaringly obvious this month when you meet someone who’s actually got something to offer.  This giver has you contemplating the meaning of true partnership.

LeoLEO

With the tension innate in the Grand Cross, April is a great time to get the hell outta dodge with a spring break trip Leo.  If physically fleeing isn’t feasible take your mind on an expansive trip to broaden your worldview.  Mid-month closure comes with regard to a pending issue.  Ruling out one possibility paves the way for an entirely new idea.  Emotionally speaking, the opposing energies of the Grand Cross bring a schizophrenic confusion to April.  You feel at once mellow and anxious, disciplined and lazy, and rushed and impatient.  Nothing feels quite right, but take consolation in the fact that it isn’t your fault.  To survive this tense time unscathed, you must quash arguments and think before you lash out over some trivial point.  Avoid big decisions this month.  Look to a mentor who has walked the path you wish to travel and listen to wise advice on how to navigate it successfully.

Virgo

  VIRGO

Other than laying low with your nearest and dearest, you don’t feel like doing much this month Virgo.  Your usual zest for elbow rubbing and small talk vanishes and instead you’d rather stay home and loaf.  April presents opportunities in real estate investment should you be in the market.  Mid-month major change comes to your career sector.  It may mean your current position ends and a new one emerges.  Don’t get nauseous in the tumult.  Use the change to evaluate what you really want from your life.  What do you need to alter to shape your current life into the one you truly long for?  The Cardinal Cross is the energetic equivalent of a four-way rack – as in the torture device which pulls you apart in opposite directions.  Virgo’s opposing interests include money, intimacy, friends, and self-expression.  New friends compete against old loyalties.  Money becomes a source of conflict.  This time you are the one who is acting like a dick.

Libra

 LIBRA

April is a happy month for you Libra as long as you are clear about communicating your needs.  Once you put it out there, it is up to your partner to respond.  Don’t force the situation, but remain assertive.  Libra receives the glow of the lunar eclipse on the 15th.  Take credit for your best qualities and responsibility for your faults.  The Grand Cardinal Cross has special meaning for you as a Cardinal sign.  This tense energy will betray any cracks in the foundation of your life: family, relationships, home, livelihood.  Libra unintentionally causes friction with thoughtless comments.  You can come off as pretentious and haughty when insecure.  This April be extra nice and forgiving without giving away your power.  By the end of the month you’re tapped, and would rather stay rooted at home than fussing with the inconsiderate public.

Scorpio

SCORPIO

Self-care takes precedence in April as Scorpio’s hectic pace has taken a toll on you as of late.  Always one to work smarter rather than harder, structure your life in a way that best supports your current needs.  Clean, organize, and keep it simple.  April brings humbling moments which will require you to surrender your ego and judgments.  Ask for the help you need.  The Grand Cardinal Cross forces action for Scorpio.  You aren’t one to shirk on responsibilities even when overextended.  Let April be a lesson that your energy and talent must be replenished with adequate self-nurturing.  April also brings the possibility for a true partner or the cementing of an important preexisting bond.  The relationship seeds formed under April’s influence blossom into beautiful, lasting flowers over the coming months.

SagittariusSAG

Sagittarius enjoys a little well-deserved levity in April after a rough few months of hard work.  The lunar eclipse brings resolve to old festering issues mid-month.  For you Sagittarius, the Grand Cross emotionally pulls you apart like a dinner roll.  Sags self-limit with stubborn notions.  Your rigid ideas keep people away.  In April, you need help and are forced to soften into compromise.  With this softening comes the realization that you bear the responsibility for a great deal of conflict over the last year.  Sags continue to repeat these negative and hurtful patterns until you bring mindfulness to your interactions.  Others will continue to trigger you until you get a handle on your temper.  By the end of the month, you are ready to get your body in order.  Cut the sugar and get off your ass.

CapricornCAPRICORN

April is an ideal time to reconnect with family, dear Capricorn.  Take a break from work.  Your heart isn’t in it this month.  Your heart does need tending to though so turn inward and ask yourself the tough questions.  Better yet; ask your mom the tough questions and drink in her wisdom like fine wine.  To succeed in relationships (and in sex) you must embrace the concept of reciprocity.  By the 15th the lunar eclipse will force your hand on indecision.  Get clear about what you want, but remain flexible in the face of unpredictability.  A sense of humor makes the last ten days of the month feel substantially lighter and more tolerable.  You are at your best and most attractive when playful and funny.

AquariusAQUARIUS

Even though others are feeling tense this month you are ready for some April foolishness.  Unleash your fun-loving prankster Aquarius.  In between strategic whoopee cushion placements, gobble up all available intel.  Primed to retain new ideas, Aquarius enjoys reading, watching, and learning in April.  Go big the first three weeks, and then when you hit a fatigue wall come back home and recharge.  Reminisce over old photos.  Help your mom organize old memories and soak in the family stories.  These are your roots, and when you look at your life from its nascence you can appreciate your evolution.  Take care of your body.  The Grand Cross weakens your immunity.  Don’t waste energy quarreling with others this month.  You won’t get anywhere in the power struggle and the fussing will just deplete and frustrate you.

PiscesPISCES

Pisces your mantra in April is you better work bitch.  Stage one: get organized.  Stage two: work systematically with a list.  Stage three: complete your list.  Tap into your network of contacts while connections are fresh and friendly.  April 15th brings a sweep of change vis-à-vis the lunar eclipse.  Situations and relationships that no longer serve you have to go without further room for negotiation.  The energy of the Grand Cross forces further sweeping change in the sacred areas of home, family, and finances.  Stop asking other people’s opinions and then getting aggravated with their answers.  If you don’t want to know, don’t ask.  Get honest about your financial anxiety and cost of living.  Can you afford yourself?  April is not about big talk.  April is about big action.  Now seriously, get to work bitch.

Sunday cinematic swim

PIGGY-IN-THE-POOLMiss Piggy ♥ The Great Muppet CaperMELAINA SHAGMelaina ♥ ShagLINDALinda ♥ Fast Times at Ridgemont HighHONEY RYDERHoney Ryder ♥ Dr. No10 JENNYJenny ♥ 10 ADRIENNE THE CRUSHAdrienne ♥ The Crush

A LA MAISON

A LA MAISON HONEYSUCKLEWith the fervor over sulfates, parabens, and other potential hazards in our products, the hunt for a good body wash can be downright frustrating.  Right now, I’m in love with A LA MAISON.  I know it looks like something you’d find in your Mom’s guest bath.  Don’t let that discourage you.  This super luxurious vegetable based soap has everything you want: suds, light fragrance, and moisture; and nothing you don’t: harsh detergents, and animal/toxic ingredients.  It’s also reasonably priced.A LA MAISON ROSEMARY MINT

Living Proof

JEN AND CHRIS LIVING PROOFDammit.  I already love Living Proof Prime Style Extender, and now I’m hooked on Living Proof Full shampoo and conditioner.  Do you think I want to love anything associated with Jennifer fucking Aniston?  I assure you I do not, but I cannot deny the otherworldly effects of these products.  I prefer wash and wear hair for my daily situation.  My hair goes up into a messy spinpin bun and down again several times a day.  Living Proof improves the texture, volume, and style of my air-dried hair.  Living Proof Full shampoo + conditioner + style extender + air dry = hair looks almost as good as if I finished with heat.  If I actually take the time to blow my hair out with Living Proof the results are major; add hot rollers = bombshell major.  I started this paragraph with the word dammit because Living Proof is pricey, and now I’m addicted.  I console myself knowing with Living Proof I can go a day between washings and still maintain bouncy bedhead.  LP makes my haircut look more expensive.  If Living Proof had nuts, I’d be swinging from them.  LIVING PROOF FULL