Aries

Happy Birthday Aries!  You little dirty bitch!  You’ve been up to no good and causing drama in all four corners.  Your reactive emotions fuel this behavior.  Aries tend to externalize which means you are always looking outside for sources of glory, security, joy and gloom.  It also means that those around Aries feel every ping of their energetic pong.  It’s more exhausting than that unrelenting table tennis fuck scene in Girls this season.  Aries generously offer wit, spark, and fun to the mix.  Don’t just skip past the word fun like its three little letters of meaninglessness.  Instead, consider how many people you know that are actually really good fun?  Remarkably few.  That’s why we appreciate you Aries.  Save the yelling, stomping, and fit throwing energy for more productive endeavors this April.  Let’s be honest: you’ve fallen a bit behind in some areas and need to quickly come correct.

Taurus

When the Bull makes up its mind there is no budging her no matter how insane and illogical her position.  Sometimes, Taurus wears this fixedness like a Girl Scout badge sewn arrogantly across the heart.  In other moments of great introspection, the Bull sees the folly in taking such unyielding stances.  Narrow, inflexible thinking limits you.  The sooner you learn that stubbornness is not a reliable power source, the better.  The corresponding positive trait to your stubborn nature is that you have grit and strength like no one else.  When you decide to do, you do.  When you commit, you are sincerely committed.  This tenacity basically guarantees you success if you can stay out of your own damn way.

 Gemini

Gemini takes April by the balls and executes on a number of important projects.  Geminis get a little muddled in their own dithering.  The theme for this year is clarity, power, and control.  Decide what you truly want without external influences.  Gather the resources to move forward.  Guide the process with a specific goal in mind.  How much time did you waste last month on activities that propelled you nowhere?  Exactly.  Now is the time to really examine yourself at the most basic and mundane levels, Gemini.  As a highly intelligent and skilled person, many ask for your help.  Remember you control the gauge on the generosity meter.  Give when it feels right, not out of a misguided sense of obligation.

 Cancer

The idiom “she has her heart in the right place” must have first been spoken about a Cancer.  Certainly, intention matters when you are navigating the world.  Just remember that other old saying – the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Accountability has never been your strength Crab.  Rather than deal with the consequences of your decisions, you’d rather hole up in your shell and hope the cloudy days and bill collectors pass.  To quote Heathers, “get crucial.”  None of this shit is going away.  One particularly interesting and frustrating thing about you Cancer is that once you decide to change, you do so rather easily.  Use this adaptability to move past some of your most childish and selfish behaviors.

Leo

Lately Leo has ladled up bowlfuls of excuses for bad behavior.  Little Lion is such a busy bee: too taxed for friends, too overstretched to lend an extra hand at work, too exhausted for family dinner.  We get it Leo.  You are much in demand.  Keep on keeping on with the one-sided relationships and you’ll see the demands on your time greatly diminish because no one will want to hang out with you anymore.  This April, concentrate on small gestures that demonstrate that you care about others.  Open doors.  Take the time and courtesy to smile.  Use please and thank you gratuitously.  Your kindness will have ripple effects.  Beyond mundane acts of common courtesy, reach out to that friend that obviously needs you, but that you keep blowing off.

 Virgo

Big change has ruptured the Virgo routine and it’s thrown your world and relationships into a chaotic tailspin.  Denial continues to plague Virgo’s advancement.  Acceptance is the first step, hunny.  Acknowledge the great success you have made in certain areas.  The respect you’ve earned and deserve is truly remarkable and rare.  Accepting your great strengths as part of a total package, it is only fair to consider your shortcomings too.  Virgos have a slow burn rager of a temper.  Adversaries who stoke that fire should prepare for a thrashing.  Virgos won’t hesitate to tell you how much you suck when you fail to meet their typically unreachable standards.  Instead of getting so angry, just get out.

 Libra

Always accommodating, Libra’s relationship idealism often clouds their common sense and better judgment.  Everyone you know isn’t going to move to the same block, line their yards with picket fences, and live happily ever after.  That’s not real life.  Rather than trying to cultivate this false Truman Show ideal, overcome your fear of disharmony.  Conflict and disappointments are realistic counterpoints to the greatest joys of life.  To live fully, Libras must embrace the full spectrum of relationship interactions, including discord.  Less prone to clutter than filth, dust bunnies do not constitute an Easter celebration.  You feel me?

 Scorpio

Unusually scattered Scorpios have been living a-maybe-this-maybe-that existence recently.  This out-of-character approach has you feeling flush with choices and the stress that accompanies multiple opportunities.  So what the fuck do you want to do Scorpio?  Rarely one to take the easy choice just because it’s easy, many won’t understand the reasoning behind your future course of action.  It won’t matter what anyone thinks if you are actually capable of executing on your grand plans.  Let the critics motivate your success.  Expect major breakthrough moments during this year of physical and emotional transit.

 Sagittarius

When Sags get into something, they really immerse themselves in a subject.  You love to learn every nuance and detail until you qualify as an expert in your area of interest.  Mastery fascinates you.  Sags learn with a child-like innocence that makes them excellent and dedicated pupils.  With all this energy directed towards your goals and intention, what time is left for your nearest and dearest?  Remember, other people have shit going on too.  We all enjoy celebrating your successes and joys, but avoid becoming a one-note Nancy.  Make sure your friends and family feel the same intensity of affection.  Meet others’ celebratory moments with the same enthusiasm you expect when sharing yours.

 Capricorn

Nerves.  Let’s talk about your nerves Cap.  You gotta lot of nerve, as demonstrated by your rather audacious and reckless choices.  Lately, all your nervous energy has wrecked your progress with a potential conquest.  At work, your nerves are frayed and your bitchy attitude is getting on everyone’s nerves.  Spend April soothing yourself and calming the fuck down.  Messy skin, dull eyes, clenched jaw, and the constant fidgeting are all evidence of your tightly wound personality.  You are serving us a clenched-ass Cameron from Ferris Bueller and it’s not a good look.  Relax.  Puff a doob.  Sip a scotch.  Enjoy an orgasm.  Meditate.  Find a way to relax.

Aquarius

Aquarius has undergone a period of self-flagellation recently which may have manifested in weight-loss, sleeplessness, and love lost.  Whatever it takes to make it back home, get there.  Now is the time to stabilize, center, and secure.  Get your bearings by surrounding yourself with people who really know you and want only the best for you.  April leaves Aquarius vulnerable to users, manipulators, and liars.  Guard your heart and secrets carefully this month.  Spend time alone walking in nature or playing with pets.  At least the animals won’t betray you.

 Pisces

Pretty Pisces articulates needs clearly this month.  Fishes feel deeply.  This spring, they are ready to reveal their honest sentiments without barriers of insecurity.  A new confidence and swagger comes with a clear understanding of what and who you want.  Just be careful what you wish for little dove.  Pisces tend to extend and then retract themselves, never really exposing true vulnerability.  What if you extended yourself with no expectation in return?  By adapting this courageous approach, you will profoundly evolve.  Pain is an inextricable part of life.  The Piscean tendency to recoil from discomfort explains why they often seek comfort in drugs, sex, or food to destructive ends.