Tag Archives: Alyssa

The Real L Word: Break-up, Breakdown, Rebound

Saj’s mom Sarita flew into to town to help her recover from her split from Chanel.  Her highly amusing and enjoyable mother stated the obvious, that Saj and Chanel moved way too fast way too soon.  After a few days of maternal grounding, Saj literally wept at the thought of her mom’s return home.

Kacy met up with her friend DreaDrea and her wife conceived twins through insemination, and Kacy wanted to pump her for information on the process.  Once Drea admitted the two went through seven rounds of insemination over a year before they achieved a successful pregnancy, Kacy could barely contain her disbelief.

Later, Cori and Kacy tallied the cost of continuing the procedures over the next year.  After adding up all the different expenses, the two realized they were looking at $3,000 a month or roughly half their monthly take-home income.  Upon this realization, Cori wanted to start looking for a flesh and blood man to cooperate in the baby-making.  Kacy was clearly threatened by the thought of an actual dick entering the scene.  When she slightly raised her voice incredulous at the notion, oversensitive Cori reverted to little girl mode and whined for her to stop yelling before she broke down and fled to the other room to cry.

Well aware of their obvious incompatibility, Romi’s been itching for an excuse to dump Kelsey all season.  She unreasonably demanded that Kelsey completely cease drinking and join her in her sobriety.  When Kelsey admitted she had a glass of wine while with her sister the night before, Romi seized on the confession to create a relationship-ending dispute.

These bitches obviously don’t understand the virtues of a clean break. Romi hovered around while Kelsey packed her belongings.  Romi then drove her ex to a mutual friend’s house to crash.  Romi even went so far as to offer to provide groceries to the host on Kelsey’s behalf.

Whitney invited Kacy and Cori over to gift them with the inseminator.  Romi, fresh from the weave shop, also joined the phallic festivities.  When presented with the aqua dong (editorial note: impressive girth Caes), both the babymakers appeared genuinely touched by the gesture, summing up their feelings by saying, “there was never a more thoughtful dildo given.”When the gathering wound down, Romi pretended to leave, but as soon as she exited Whitney was all over her phone texting.  Whitney had that familiar poon-bandit look in her eye, and it was obvious she was orchestrating a rendezvous.  In the least surprising rebound ever, Romi snuck in the door and right back into Whitney’s familiar bed.

The Real L Word: InSemenAteHer

Saj and Chanel rolled up on their 30 day anniversary still not having shared a proper fuck.  Determined to get down, Saj awoke early to cook Chanel a five star breakfast including heart shaped waffles and fresh squeezed orange juice. The two celebrated the day with pony rides followed up by a full body massage courtesy of a very horny and hopeful Saj. Of course the most clichéd and predictable move in the foreplay handbook worked like a charm.  Finally, these two consummated their relationship.  Anybody surprised Chanel topped Saj?Post-fuck, Saj called her sassy yet uninformed Mom, who asked a series of comical questions about the who, what, when, where, and why of lesbian sex. A lezzie-sex novice herself, Saj did her best to demystify the art of scissoring and other misunderstood Sapphic rituals.

Claire rocked a little side boobie when she went to pick up her stuff from Francine’s house.  At the end of last week’s episode, Francine and friends hauled all of Claire’s shit to the front porch to marinate in a messy pile of resentment overnight.  Predictably, Claire immediately called Vivian and begged her to come to L.A. for a visit.  So we all agree that selfish and immature Claire pretty much sux ass, right?Kacy and Cori further prepared for their reproductive quest this week by taking a series of ovulation tests.  After several inconclusive home results, the couple visited Dr. Morris who informed them that Cori was indeed ripe.Upon this discovery, the Doc went to fetch the iced spunk and inseminated Cori then and there. In an effort to support Kacy and Cori’s expansion plans, Whitney and Alyssa decided to create a dong mold to build a dick-shaped inseminator.  While brainstorming for a perfect candidate, Whitney thought of her well-endowed friend Caes.Proud of his package, Caes agreed to model for the dong mold and brought his girlfriend as a fluffer.  It took several frustrating attempts to sync the timing of the hard-on with the firming of the goop.  The crew experimented with different vessels, but eventually Whitney and her friend Ruby just smeared the rubbery gunk on the mang’s junk with their bare hands. After the dong mold formed, Whitney slid it off and was pleased the shape had set to her satisfaction.  Caes dried off his wenis (4 u MWY) with a towel and then chucked it at Whitney’s head to her horror and disgust.  Enjoy a shot of dude’s wang because I know you pervs are dying to see it. 

The Real L Word: Smell My Hair

Kacy and Cori dropped $1,920 for three vials of jizz.  Don’t guys make like $100 a donation?  That’s some mark-up.  The couple paid extra for a donor who was open to being contacted when his offspring reach 18.  They celebrated with friends, family, and pizza at an informal sperm party at their home.

Whenever LA gets too thick with the stench of familiar poon, Whitney flees to San Francisco to revisit previous delicacies.  (This time thankfully she upgraded to a larger and nicer hotel room – no offense Phoenix.)  Former dish Jaq conveniently bumped into Whitney at Lexington, an SF institution.  Their fling ended the previous summer when Jaq changed her FB status to “in a relationship,” a setting that acts as Whitney repellent.Later, Whitney hosted a party at Trigger where she soaked up all the fan-love from season one.  She worked the room and provided photo ops for the star-struck crowd. The thing I don’t understand is like girls always want to smell my hair.  You know they’ll like come up and like sneak a sniff, and it’s like, I mean you can, but I don’t know if I should hand it to ’em or what?  But one thing I’ve made sure of is that this shit always smells on point.”Alyssa and Rachel surprised Whitney in SF.  Rachel created an awkward situation when she assumed that she would be crashing in Whitney’s hotel room.  When Jaq showed up and smooched Whitney hello right in front of Rachel, it proved that regardless of geography, with Whitney, it’s never a drama-free weekend.Sajdah and Chanel sat down for their first official date.  Sajdah laid it on thick with lines like, “What I feel now?  I ain’t even know to desire before.  Like seriously like it’s more than I even knew to want.”  She then slid a note across the table old-school style and asked Chanel to check yes or no if she’d be her girlfriend.  She gifted Chanel a necklace and sealed the deal with a kiss.  Start loading the U-Haul.

Romi threw a dinner party and realized she didn’t know how to have fun without alcohol as a social lubricant.  After the meal, the group headed to the club where Kelsey got loaded and Romi got judgmental.  On the way home in the cab Kelsey complained about how the two never have sex.  Then she started crying over the fuck shortage and collapsed in Romi’s lap.Kelsey finally wore her down with tearful begging, and Romi relented and pity-fucked her.  Dudish Kelsey hilariously grunted “shit” after a particularly satisfying orgasm and closed the every-which-way reciprocal fucksesh by ejaculating.  Literally.

The Real L Word: A Slap in the Vadge

After their late night visit to the pussy diner, Sara and Whitney woke up and enjoyed some leftovers before heading to the dog park.  Because the L.A. lesbian geographical scope is rather limited, Rachel spotted Whitney and Sara at the local canine hotspot.  Rather than spook the two post-coital lovers, Rachel & Company slithered away unnoticed.The Real L Word’s voice of reason Alyssa confronted Whitney on seeing Sara on the low.  The most interesting trinket of information gleaned from the exchange is that Sara’s tits are fake!  I must be losing my eye, because I didn’t spot the rather conservative enhancement at first.  Did you?

Gold Star Rachel, slapped in the vadge by Whitney’s disinterest, curled up with her laptop, a vibrator, and some blow job porn to rub one out for the cameras.  She admits she leans toward the girl on guy oral stuff because the girls “look like they’re whores.”After her kitty petting sesh, Rachel wisely took an indirect approach to dismantling Sara and Whitney’s relationship.  She sat down with Alyssa and revealed that Sara has been rekindling with her significant long-term ex Hana and tried to hustle a job at an NYC salon.  Rachel played out the scenario with mastery, confident that Alyssa would run to Whitney and tattle on SaraRachel sat by innocently with all the proof conveniently saved on her cell phone.Sajdah’s straight friend Marissa arrived for an L.A. visit.  A glowing Sajdah drifted through the conversation in a muffin haze describing her lusty obsession with new lady Chanel.

Later, the three met up to march in the MLK parade.  After the march, Sajdah and Chanel shared their first kiss.  Totally love-struck, who can hate?  These two are super cute.Kacy and Cori are still on the sperm hunt after their first-choice candidate declined by text.  At first, both were wedded to the idea of knowing the donor, and so they approached good friends and gay couple Olivier & Paulo who also politely demurred.  Drawing closer to Cori’s ovulation date, the two agreed to pursue anonymous donors over the internet.  They paid $200 to access donor profiles and found several candidates they saved to their favorites.

This week finds Claire and Francine struggling to establish their respective roles in the 2.0 version of their relationship.  The vibe started off fun and upbeat, but was soon soured by oversensitivity and bickering.

Romi and Kelsey had a tense and uncomfortable dinner with Romi’s change-of-life-lesbian Mom.  The two aired their dirty relationship laundry over Sake, and reaffirmed what we all know: that this shit is DOOMED.  We also learned Romi is 29!?, bi-polar, and an alcoholic.The following evening when Romi returned from work, she sent Kelsey out to the liquor store so the two could pre-game before a night on the town.  This is only relevant because it was very amusing that as Kelsey walked out we got a glimpse of the camera crew sitting on the floor outside the apartment in the hallway.  Very profesh editing Real L Word. All the ladies of various factions coalesced at girlparty Haute for beats and booze.  Even though the community is small, a few members of the cast were introduced for the first time.  Buzzed, Romi and Rachel obsequiously flirted and eventually smooched right in front of Kelsey. Whitney took her liquid courage and confronted Sara about Hana and her backdoor dealing.  Claire got all sanctimonious about the drama in the club and split.  Don’t worry Claire, your time for scene-making shouting matches will come before the season closes.Belligerently drunk by the end of the evening, Romi and Kelsey spent several minutes trying to arrange a cab while simultaneously fighting about Romi’s unmitigated make-out moment with Rachel.  The next morning, Romi feigned blackout amnesia to skirt responsibility for her drunk, slutty behavior the night before.  Kelsey seemed to buy Romi’s excuse, but she’s the only one. Dumbass Claire ruined a successful evening with Francine by rushing home to Skype with Vivian in NYC.  Understandably pissed off by Claire’s contradictory behavior, Francine nursed her her own stinging slap in the vadge.

 

The Real L Word: younger, thinner, nakeder

The Real L Word is back with Season 2, this time younger, thinner, and nakeder.  The only Sapphic star to make the second season cut…

Welcome back Whitney.

It will surprise no one to learn that Sara and Whitney are still doing the on and off thing.  Whitney’s closest friends oppose a relationship between her and Sara.  A more svelte appearing Alyssa suspects Sara’s true intentions are more starfucker than sweetheart.  Alyssa has always been and will always be the Yoda of this program.

Whitney’s only significant ex, Rachel, arrived in LA with her own intentions to complicated things further for the locked lezzie.  Whitney has no sympathy for jet-lag, so after Rachel hit the hay, Whitney snuck out the back door to meet Sara for a secret, yet fully-filmed fuck sesh.

Romi and the Rebound

Romi’s been promoted to full cast member this season season because she agreed to show full frontal.  She’s got a new rebound girlfriend named Kelsey who looks eerily like Jennifer Lawrence in Winter’s Bone.  Hovering around ten months, the relationship grieves the honeymoon stage and struggles with the transition into LTR.  The two admit they haven’t fucked in three weeks.After a tension-filled night on the town with another couple, Romi and Kelsey drunkenly groped on the bed, nearly breaking their 3 week dry spell before Romi abruptly fell asleep.  If that’s not a sign of imminent demise, what is?

Rice Chaser

New cast member Claire, dubbed a “rice chaser” by her own girlfriend for her tendency to date ladies of the pan-Asian variety, is leaving her east coast lesbiasian Vivian to rekindle the flame with her west coast lesbiasian FrancineClaire gives Whitney a run for the money in the narcissism department, but unlike the ladies of Whitney’s harem, Francine has no trouble putting Claire in her place.  In fact, Francine has the kind of nutsack most men would envy.  Upon Claire’s arrival to L.A., the two immediately started bickering.  Claire looks like a young Erica Jong, and carries all the tension in her mouth as she kisses one parliament light after another.

The Baby Makers

The show wouldn’t be complete without married baby makers Kacy and Cori.  Is the pussy willow picture a joke?  To further their steps towards procreating, the couple visited the sex store in search of something with which “you can strap on and squirt material at people.”  The helpful salesman offered a butt douche, but the two decided to return to more familiar waters and check out the DIY possibilities at Home Depot.

Later on, the baby makers swallowed their first bitter mouthful of disappointment when prospective sperm donor Brent backed out by text message.

Fresh out the Closet

Meet Sajdah, fresh out the closet and new to LA.  She takes no time in breaking into the scene via internet dating.  Using Facebook to connect with Chanel, she agrees to meet up for an open mic night.  Quietly eager, Sajdah rolled up to the date with laid back game.  The two had palpable chemistry and before long worked the latest dance craze – the pussy bump.

The Real L Word: Fillers

After Rose ditched Natalie at the bar with no ride and no keys last week, we caught Rose surreptitiously meeting up with her ex-girlfriend, the famous Angel, behind Natalie’s back.  Rose justified the deception by saying that Angel makes her feel better and puts things in perspective.  Angel, smarter than Natalie, called Rose on her bullshit saying, “It’s always about you and what you need and never about anything else.  I’m done.”  Upon realizing that Angel was not going to be her soft place to land, Rose cut her losses and went groveling back to an overly-forgiving Natalie.  Grow a pair and dump her ass Natalie!With the guilt of last night’s strap-on interlude on her conscience, Whitney attempted to clean up the remnants of the White Trash Party.  She and Alyssa clumsily maneuvered the nauseating mixture of cream corn, lube, and shame into a shopping cart which they wheeled over to some nearby dumpsters.  Whitney, you can dispose of your lubed corn evidence, but the karmic stench of that grimy pune juggling will stick with you forever.

Tracy’s mom, Zory, surprised her for her 30th birthday.  Even though Zory has had difficulty adjusting to Tracy’s lesbian turn, Tracy decided it would be a good idea to take her to Stamie’s unedited comedy routine.  In the world’s most awkward first meeting, Tracy introduced her mom to a surprised Stamie.  The three stood around in silence for forty-five seconds before Stamie took the stage to bust out her graphic lesbian jokes.  Way to ease your mom into it Tracy!After dinner, things went from awkward to borderline offensive when Tracy asked her mom if she wanted to meet Stamie’s kids, and Zory responded with stone-cold silence.  Stamie rightfully found her lack of enthusiasm alienating, which caused her to give up on Zory and cool towards Tracy.  If bad blood develops between Stamie and Zory, it is a direct result of Tracy’s failure to adequately manage this situation.  This disastrous first meeting will ripple consequences for months to come.

Brooklyn Fashion Weekend’s blonder cousin L.A. Fashion Weekend finally arrived, and Mikey prepped for the headlining runway show: Richie Sambora’s line White Trash Beautiful.  The fact that this was the marquee fashion line speaks to the utter irrelevancy of L.A. Fashion.  Ava Sambora, Richie and Heather Locklear’s daughter, was scheduled to walk in the show.  She and her mother showed up to Mikey’s office for a fitting and flattery.  Mikey fawned over a barely-recognizable T.J. Hooker, while Ava rolled her eyes at the overblown gushing.  Mikey continued to flirt with a loopy Locklear until Raquel showed up under the pretext of delivering a surprise gift of balloons and flowers.

After a brief panic over the lighting on the step and repeat, Mikey took the stage to open the White Trash Beautiful show.  As for the clothes, drop the “White” and drop the “Beautiful” and all you have left is “Trash,” and that’s probably the best description of the mishmash of fugly that paraded down the runway.  Mikey drew extra attention to the shameless demonstration of Sambora nepotism by announcing Ava’s name over the loudspeaker like it was some church fashion show.  The single most shocking moment was the tight shot of Heather Locklear’s face.  Girl, chill with the fillers, damn.Mikey rounded out her professional triumph by bringing Raquel on stage for a grand wedding proposal in front of the dazzling selection of C-listers.  Naturally, Raquel accepted, and the two shared a romantic backstage kiss.  Mazel Ladies!

The Real L Word: Strap-on Etiquette

Dan “the designer” stopped by to help the lesblands spruce up their dinning room in time for Passover.  Dan wasted no time pointing out every poor decorating choice in the room.  He called the room dead, the walls muddy, the curtains schmatta rags, and accused the curtain rod of evoking “hostel.”  Dan sent over a “lesbian-Liberace” chandelier which promptly dropped out of the mounting mid-installation, shattering glass over the floor and nearly splicing the lesbians, installers, and dogs to shreds.  This sent Jill into an existential tailspin and caused her to completely reject the oversized chandelier, much to Nik’s dismay.  Dan redeemed himself later by amping the table’s volume from Pottery Barn lezzy to full on five alarm queen with a multi-tier vase and candle extravaganza for the Seder.The conflict between Rose and her mother appears to be driving her abuelita to an early grave.  Just days after imploring with Rose to mend things with her mother to unify the family, Rose’s grandmother landed in the hospital with pneumonia. Cognizant her own actions were contributing to her grandmother’s ill health, Rose acted out with bitchy misplaced aggression towards Nat and everybody else.Despite her stank mood, Rose decided she must fulfill her promise to appear at a friend’s party.  A fight began to brew as Rose nitpicked Nat’s every word and action.  Once inside the party, Nat hung close to her sister in the DJ booth, avoiding Rose. Using her grandmother as an excuse for bad behavior, Rose called her ex-girlfriend Angel and left Natalie high and dry without a ride or house keys.  I would cut a bitch for this.

Super stressed over the planning for L.A. Fashion Week, Mikey evoked the Cutrone and ripped her intern a new asshole.  If the seating chart and RSVP list require immaculate care, why leave such a colossal responsibility to an intern?  Flailing around complaining about hanger discord, Mikey dropped F-bombs over Mena Suvari’s non-existent RSVP.

The lesbagang gathered for a friendly game of paintball: Team Rose vs. Team WhitneyWhitney and Tor wagered the winner of the paintball game got to fuck the loser with a strap-on.  Tor joined Rose’s team, and in the end the last two standing were Whitney and TorWhitney triumphed and announced that tonight Tor would be her prize.To prepare for that night’s festivities, Scarlett and Whitney hit the sex shop to buy a new harness.  Whitney educated us all on lesbian strap-on etiquette: “It’s a very personal thing you are sharing with someone, so I don’t necessarily want to have one strap-on that I just use with everyone.  It would be like some guy like not washing his dick between having sex with two girls.”Scarlett provided the “bottom perspective” and between the two of them, appropriate gear was selected.  After a lube recommendation from the fishnet-clad salesgirl, the two were on their way.Tor looked reticent, but Whitney must have done something right because after uninhibited strap-on balls-to-the-wall sex (Whitney’s words, not mine), Tor awoke the next morning looking satisfied, if not a bit dazed.The fun didn’t stop there; Whitney and the gurls planned the first annual White Trash Party complete with cheap beer, jello shots, pink flamingos, and the pièce de résistance: cream corn and lube wrestling.After watching Whitney go twice around in the kiddie pool, Romi was so aroused she led Whitney by the hand to the bedroom where she illustrated why this program airs on Showtime.We’ve learned from episodes past that Romi ain’t shy, but this week she took it from bold to porn star as she let the cameras film her getting acquainted with Whitney’s strap-on.  Dignity concerns aside, I appreciate Romi for this instructive lesson because now I get it.  Whitney’s stroke game exceeds that of most men.As party guests pounded on the door, Whitney shamelessly pounded Romi presumably with the same accouterments she used the night before with Tor.  Mayjah lesbian sex etiquette faux pas WhitWhitney could only rationalize her behavior by saying, “I am a pussy slut.”As the post-coital realizations began to dawn on Whitney, she walked around the party aftermath working a droopy dog half-hearted attempt at damage control, stopping in with Scarlett, Alyssa, and finally Tor.  As it should be, the White Trash Party culminated in a nauseating mix of tears, lube, and cream corn.

The Real L Word: Show Your Tits

We begin where we left off with Whitney picking up Tor from the airport.  Tor’s crashing at Whitney and Alyssa’s house until she gets settled in L.A.  Whitney admitted it’s a bit of a U-Haul situation.  Alyssa, Tor’s cousin, worried she would fall victim to Whitney’s persistent pune juggling and get her newly-lesbian heart broken.Tracy and Stamie played three-kids-two-mommies over in Silver Lake. “If Tracy took a second to think about this and break it down, that bitch be running down Ventura Boulevard.  I’d have to stop her with my vehicle.”  Amen StamieTracy complained of exhaustion after one evening with the kids, and again in the morning when Nico woke her up.  She obviously lacks the grit required for successful step-parenthood.  These two ain’t gonna make it.

Nikki optioned Sexual Fluidity as a television show.  She and Jill met with the author Lisa M. Diamond to discuss the project.  The women have a strong connection to the book; Jill recommended it to her parents to explain her mid-twenties transition to lesbianism.  She also admitted that despite wearing an engagement ring from Nikki, she struggles as identifying as an openly gay woman, saying “it doesn’t feel like it fits.”

At the Abbey, Tracy, Stamie and the local lesbian pick-up game shared drinks.  Whitney arrived and made a bee-line for TracyStamie looked absolutely thrilled the playa was paying her snatch attention.  Whitney got sidetracked when Romi, last week’s drama, showed up begging for scraps.  Bitch gather your dignity, she’s just not that into you. Later, Whitney tried to give Romi good phone when Alyssa came outside to remind her that Tor was twiddling her thumbs inside.  Whitney lied her ass off trying to put out the fires erupting all around her.

Jill’s “best friend” Derek flew in from San Francisco, and Nikki showed visible signs of jealousy as Jill showered him with adulation.  Nikki confessed she can’t compete with a man, but after seeing Jill’s engagement ring, I’m not sure a man could compete with her.

Mikey drug her assistant and intern to the party for her big Hollywood Chamber of Commerce induction.  She actually made her minions flank her, because she likes to be surrounded by hot chicks.  Mikey continued to try to reach Raquel until the very last moment, but in the end she didn’t show in time to see Mikey receive her recognition plaque.  They met up outside, and Mikey was clearly disappointed.  Mikey wants a supportive housewife, not a busy career girl.  Raquel’s absence at this event signals the beginning of the end for these two.

Rose and Natalie hosted a crew at their crib for game night.  These alcoholic bitches downed drinks like frat boys before breaking into a chant: “SHOW YOUR TITS!”  Drinking brings out the bully in Rose, so Natalie complained to a drunk girl in the kitchen who looked like she might projectile vomit at any moment.  Rose told Natalie to relax and said she was being “catwalk?”  Nothing inflames an argument more than telling someone to “relax,” so Natalie retreated to the bedroom as Rose bragged about fucking five girls at a time to her buddy on the patio.Alyssa tried to talk some sense into Whitney by presenting all her recent shadiness in a concise, linear manner.  Alyssa pinned Whitney to the wall and didn’t let her weasel out with excuses and rationalizations.  This dose of brutal honesty was exactly what she needed for momentary clarity.  Value those who tell you the truth; they are exceedingly rare in a world filled with placatory cowards.When we met back up with Rose and Natalie, the evening spiraled further into a drunken argument.  Natalie called Rose rude, and Rose told Natalie to move out.  These two probably made up and fucked that night.  It doesn’t make them soul mates, it makes them weak and predictable.  Apart from Nikki and Jill, is there a couple on this show that’s got a chance?