Tag Archives: American Beauty

Sunday with Annette Bening

LOVE Thyself

Five totally legitimate reasons to wank off.

Men who ejaculated more than five times a week through masturbating were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer according to one study.  Doctors chalk this up to the benefits of “clearing the pipes” by releasing toxin concentrations which accumulate over time.  Masturbation helps prevent cervical infections and relieve urinary tract infections.  Going into more detail requires a graphic explanation of cervical tenting, so just trust this advice and keep it moving.Studies show masturbation promotes cardiovascular health and lowers the risk of type-2 diabetes.  Rub one out for your heart, man.Self-diddling naturally combats insomnia through hormonal and tension release.  Recently, in the middle of the night, a friend’s roommate walked in while he was in bed with his girlfriend, sat on a chair (strewn with aforementioned girlfriend’s clothing), and took a nice long piss.  The next morning, the roommate claimed a case of Ambienesia, saying she remembered nothing.  Why risk a pharmaceutically-induced unintended public pissing situation?  Put the pharmies down and use that hand for something more useful, like whacking off.  Combine Ambien and wanking at your own risk.Turn that frown upside-down; petting the kitty releases euphoria-inducing oxytocin.  Like ecstasy, but without the pesky brain holes.

Portia de Rossi Gossip Part One

Remember in American Beauty where Jane (Thora Birch) and Angela (Mena Suvari) enjoy a joint in the car after the basketball game?  Angela informs Jane, “There’s nothing worse in life than being ordinary.”  Portia de Rossi is Angela, and the fear of mediocrity has driven both her success and her eating disorder.  Here are a few tidbits not covered in that surprisingly snoozy Oprah interview.  Did you know that Portia’s husband (Mel) left her for her brother’s wife (Renee)?  Juicy, right?   I’ll give that one a moment to sink in. We all know that Amanda Rogers changed her name to Portia de Rossi when she was 15, though I’d never heard the whole back story until reading Unbearable Lightness.  Underage Amanda was at a club when the manager took her upstairs to give her herpes an all-access medallion awarded to VIP’s.  When asked her name, she decided Amanda Rogers was way too average, so she pulled a Keyser Söze and renamed herself Portia de Rossi.  “Portia” she lifted from The Merchant of Venice, and “de Rossi” was plucked from a string of credits rolling by at the end of a movie.Read into this what you will; Portia on her first unrequited love: “If I was successful, I could win her, seduce her with money and power just as Martina Navratilova and Melissa Etheridge had won their previously heterosexual girlfriends.  By their actions, these powerful, famous lesbians told the world that straight women were more desirable than gay ones and if you were rich and powerful enough, you could snag one of your own.”