Tag Archives: Andy Cohen

Bad Bethenny

BETHENNY PREMIEREI watched it all of twice, so I’m totally entitled and confident in stating that Bethenny’s talk show is unequivocally bad.  She kicked off her premiere nation-wide launch by swishing, clapping, and lip-synching her own theme song.  This went on for a good 2 minutes of awkward.  Then she launched into an intro monologue comprised of a series of self-empowerment clichés strung together – Pay it forward! – We shall overcome!  This from a woman who got her start bitchfighting with other women on cable tv.  Throughout the self-centered litany, she peppered “it’s not about me” in an obvious attempt to persuade herself and the audience that the show entitled Bethenny was not about her.  (Bitch Please, when you were on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen the magic word was “I” and you narcissistic bitches said it 89 times!)  Then Mizz Frankel closed out the introduction with a pathetic and unnecessary update on her messy divorce.BETHENNY OPENING MOMENTBethenny seems to think that 10 am dick talk is somehow fresh and irreverent.  The truth is the traditional talk show format feels deeply antiquated.  Bethenny fails to offer anything novel that we haven’t seen before on episodes of her flash-in-the pan predecessors.BETHENNY MAN PANELLike Rachel Ray in her nascent hosting days, Bethenny hasn’t quite figured out that she doesn’t need to yell through the whole program.  Her voice is as nasally, shrill, and annoying as ever and the shouting only serves to amplify her worst vocal qualities.  Nails on a chalkboard would be a welcome release.  It is obvious why network higher-ups were allegedly concerned about her likability.SHRILL BETHENNYBethenny mingles with her well-coached adoring “fans” seated strategically in the audience.  She manically lunges at them with mic in hand and serves out advice to her Skinnygirl disciples through a stretched face smile-sneer.BETHENNY FRANKEL SMILE SNEERPhysically, Bethenny looks better than she ever has.  She wears the gloss of luck rather well.  Though she’s currently in the midst of a huge opportunity where she must prove herself publicly, and therefore carries herself with a great deal of self-awareness.  Bethenny’s martini glass appears to be brimming with good fortune, but when observing her cup of plenty there is an undeniable rim of sadness around the boozestress that not even a top-notch lighting crew can disguise.BETHENNY SAD, BUT AIRBRUSHED

 

Hasbeen Housewives

SO MANY HOUSEWIVESWe all know that the Housewives are so over and aren’t worth even minimal fleeting discussion.  Yet, I do think we need to pause to highlight a couple of what-the-fuck moments that transpired during the most recent season of Orange County.GRETCHEN AND SLADE PROPOSALDid Gretchen really propose to Slade?!  Fuck that was embarrassing.  In case you missed it, Gretchen dressed up like the brokedown Fredrick’s of Hollywood version of Marilyn Monroe.  She recorded a tone-deaf love song and surprised Slade with it at his new job playing on-air bully at the radio station.  As she moaned through the off-key ballad, Slade listened intently and realized somewhere half-way through that this warbling mess was his lady-love.  Gretchen lured him to the top of the tallest building in Orange County (10 stories tops) where a helicopter delivered him in a windy swirl of douchedom.  Maybe these two are meant for each other, because his douchery can only be matched by her saccharin fake-barbie doll pageant princess bullshit.  This is a 35 year old woman who clearly has no shame.  Even though Slade has been in more Housewives than breast implants, is ten years her senior, loaded with a mountain of debt, and is widely ridiculed as acting like a little bitch among a whole cast of professional bitches, Gretchen launched into her prepared soliloquy.  The awkward display felt all wrong.  You know it’s bad when Slade takes a knee to accept the proposal.  Shit was all fucked up in this ass-backwards drag engagement.  I personally would never propose to a man.  If he wants to marry you, he’ll ask.  If a woman must ask, I urge her not to recapitulate some well-worn scenario where only the gender roles are switched à la Gretchen and Slade.  There is something so undignified about begging a man to be with you.  Let’s not even get into the stupidity of marrying a man saddled with Slade-caliber life-long debt.  Now that the marriage is on, we can only pray that these two don’t reproduce the vainest, shallowest, most vapid offspring Orange County has ever seen.FUCKED UP PROPOSAL

RYAN ASSHOLEBriana’s husband Ryan demonstrated he is an aggro marine asshole who needs his ass whupped, preferably by affable Uncle BillyRyan is the young version of the closeted abusive military monster dad from American Beauty.  In my experience, people wound that tightly usually end up perpetrating violence.  Did you hear the way he spoke to Lydia’s fairy-dusting stoner Mom?  Then, did you hear how he straight-up lied about it?  Hey moron, you are wearing a mic pack.  Unfortunately in her misguided attempt to rebel against her mother’s tyrannical control, it appears Briana married a dumb asshole with integrity issues.  May he remain indefinitely deployed.  AGRO RYANFinal thought of the day: Andy Cohen is to Bravo what Ryan Seacrest is to E!SAME PERSON DIFFERENT NETWORK

Sunday Birthday Party

CORNEL WESTCornel WestFABRIZIO MORETTIFabrizio MorettiANDY COHENAndy CohenLEELA JAMESLeela JamesZACHARY QUINTOZachary QuintoMORENA BACCARINMorena BaccarinJO KOYJo Koy

Sunday with Gabby Sidibe

Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis

I gave it two episodes, but Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis spun off in the wrong direction.  The premise: Jeff, Jenni, and occasionally Zoila move in with a family and rework one room of their house.  Seems promising right?  Yeah, in execution the dynamic just isn’t working. Of course Jeff serves moments of anal-retentive kookiness, but without the whole gang – pets, servants, sycophants, and deviants all shacked up together in a recently renovated flip, this incarnation lacks the drama and heart of the original.  I want to blame this disappointing dud on that creepy Svengali boyfriend Gage, but I know Andy Cohen is the real culprit.

RHNY: C’est Peaked

Let’s just acknowledge what is blatantly obvious: this sad run sucked from premiere to finale.  Without a central conflict or sincere connections between the ladies, RHNY suffered from RHOC syndrome this season.  Symptoms include ubiquitous fakery, forced scenes, and contrived melodrama. God bless a snotty gay.  Alex showed up for her first paid editorial for The Block.  After listing a string of third tier shows she walked in during fashion week, James the requisite homo elitist, subtly shamed her by repeating, “Perfect then, Perfect then,” in a bored and disdainful tone.  Who can blame him?  Alex’s total lack of self-awareness, paired with her whiny pageant dad Simon, makes her an unbelievably easy target for criticism.  BTW Simon, revealing your wife was chosen 3rd on US Weekly’s worst dressed list isn’t something to brag about in a room of fashion folk.  Though she did live up to the title later in the episode by wearing this utterly fug pink double-breasted short suit.Bravo aired teasers for the finale all week that hinted at a change-of-life baby for Ramona.  The preview giveaways meant to build excitement were dubious since everyone is well aware that at 55, the only change of life happening to Ramona is the retirement of her ovaries.  Bravo’s last ditch effort to salvage the season with engineered baby drama smacks of desperation.In another red-herring subplot, LuAnn and Jacques invited the whole crew to a celebration of their one year anniversary.  The fiesta was held on a boat ironically destined to sail around the Statute of Liberty, a monument presented to America by the Count’s ancestors, as Ramona pointedly reminded us in her personal interview segment.Once on board, Ramona pretended to break the potential pregnancy news to Mario.  Then she and Sonja flitted off to the “head” like two leopard-clad sorority sisters with an eightball.  Sonja conveniently supplied the EPT (how much did they pay for that product placement?), and Ramona supplied the urine.Sensible Jill (relatively speaking) immediately called bullshit and didn’t hesitate to introduce the more obvious explanation of menopause to account for Ramona’s cyclical irregularity.For some unbeknownst reason (did Cohen offer her a kidney?), Natalie Cole agreed to make a cameo and sing a duet with LuAnn.  Fake-ass LuAnn wouldn’t know Natalie Cole from Natalie Merchant, but she pretended to fawn all over the singer when initially introduced by her opportunistic producer.Natalie sang decent, LuAnn sounded nervously pitchy, and Simon looked downright bitchy during the performance.While Jill was hoping for the party to culminate in an engagement announcement, the limp-dick gathering just petered out without any big reveals from either LuAnn or Ramona.If you are attached to this group of ladies, don’t miss the reunion next week.  Chances are it will be the last time you see this ensemble on Cohen’s confrontational couches.  This pathetic excuse for a season proved the NYC franchise is begging to be recast.  At this point, any change would serve as a welcomed improvement.

RHNY: Cobbled Together

Alex invited Sonja to a damage-control lunch to smooth over the embarrassing squabble.  The motivation for the meal comes not from Alex’s interest in repairing the relationship, but instead in the realistic fear that the rift with Morgan might jeopardize her camera time this season.After quickly reaching an impasse, the two buttah blondes agreed to drop the tiff – which of course means we’ll be hearing about this petty shit for the next eight weeks. The French Fonz threw a wine and cheese party.  He provided the wine, and LuAnn provided the cheese – specifically by making obvious and gag-inducing double entendres about spitting and swallowing.  The highbrow speed dating was as awkward and boring as it has been in the hundred other reality shows where the gimmick has been featured.Simon threw Alex an unpretentious picnic birthday party on Gov Island.  The early October wind whipped guests and the masses huddled around a sad little plate of pigs in a blanket.  Barshop and Bensimon arrived with their kids, surveyed the scene, and quickly retreated back to Manhattan.David Meister invited Ramona to walk the runway, and LuAnn, Sonja, Alex, and Simon came to mock support her.  Serious details were overlooked, like organizing the models backstage and fitting Ramona with a proper undergarment.  Her performance was only marginally better than last year, but she keeps getting asked back because Ramona’s best and worst quality is that she is nearly impossible to embarrass.In an effort to kick-start her middle-aged modeling career, Alex participated in a portfolio-building photo shoot with Mark VeltmanAlex labors under the delusion that she’s going to supplement her “consulting” income by making bank as a model.At her core, Alex is such a fucking try-hard dork.  The woman has absolutely no swagger.  Even though the hair and makeup team turned her out, she couldn’t make the editorial Bride of Frankenstein look werk.Lacking the same self-shame chromosome as Ramona, Alex tried to rock her photo shoot hair to the event later that evening.  A couple of hours prior, the hair was mayjah, and with the right attitude and outfit, I’m all for serving a little avante garde at the party.  However, Alex lacked the confidence and sophistication to successfully take the look from editorial to cocktail.When Cohen delayed the season, he promised it wasn’t due to lack of drama.  Instead he claimed the show would benefit from breathing room between filming and airing.  Now three episodes deep, the fourth go-round feels cobbled together and disconnected.  Don’t get it twisted Bravo, Showtime’s got Cock Cages, so you best step it up.

RHNY Reunion Part 2: Jill Classes It Up

Andy didn’t miss a beat, and we picked up right where we left off on part 1 of the reunion.  I hear this marathon of crazy was taped over an eight hour period. Alex and Bethenny said Jill only wanted to make up with Bethenny because she looked bad on TV.  Jill admitted that she didn’t want to be the one who appeared to antagonize the pregnant engaged girl. In the first segment, Jill just bent over and took it up the ass.  Ramona reiterated that Jill tried to talk the Housewives out of filming with Bethenny in an effort to sabotage her show.  Unsurprisingly, this anti-filming angle is common practice among the cast since a gathering of more than one Housewife exponentially increases the chances the footage will make the cut.  Jill straight up admitted she was wrong, and as a result never looked classier.  The barrage of criticism became so intense that Bethenny stepped in to relieve the poor dead horse of its suffering.Segment two introduced newest Housewife Sonja Morgan and her overactive cougar crotch.  Her oversexed video montage seemed out of place amid all the other catfight videos, but it did provide a little levity in a sea of conflict laden exchanges.  Let’s take this opportunity to praise Sonja for making the decision to keep her daughter entirely off the show.  While she may come off a little vapid, her parenting decision on this point is both thoughtful and responsible. Andy rolled footage of all the malapropisms the Housewives busted out this season.  Since malapropisms fall from these dumb bitches’ lips like leaves off a tree in autumn, the montage was pretty long and included gems like:

I’m not Madonna, but I could be the female Barry White – Countess

I want to be Robin to Batman – Kelly

You are making a mountain out of a hole mill – Ramona

You are making lemons out of lemonade – Kelly

The final segment started the discush of Scary Island (AKA St. John, I’m sure their board of tourism is thrilled).  We learned that Kelly’s breakdown was actually way more severe and major then what aired.  Since Bravo has no soul, their exercise of self-restraint in the editing room speaks to the true intensity of the meltdown. Kelly recounted her totally fictional account of “systematic bullying” while the other ladies wondered what fucking trip she went on.  She claimed there was some sort of island intervention with Bethenny.  I’m intrigued.  More information please. Along this line, the highlight of part 2 of the reunion came when Kelly said in reference to St. John, “I was forced by Bravo to go on the trip.”  Andy responded, “That’s not true, but I appreciate it, but it’s not true.”  Kelly then snapped back “everybody knows that and…” Andy interrupted, this time with some gay sass, “That’s not true.”  Kelly then says “Andy it is true though, but thank you I appreciate that.”  I’m over Bethenny and Jill, this snark between Kelly and Andy was the most unexpected zing of the show.  You gotta love it when the ladies air Bravo’s dirty laundry. The Countess pointed out that Kelly instigated much of the conflict and didn’t follow the program in St. John.  Bethenny followed up unleashing on her saying she has psychological and emotional problems.  With that, Kelly walked off the stage….