Tag Archives: Andy Cohen

I Don’t Like Andy Cohen Anymore

ANDY COHEN DIARIESThe Andy Cohen Diaries: A Deep Look at a Shallow Year may be the laziest book I’ve ever read.  Once, I kinda liked Andy Cohen the way you like your annoying gay cousin.  After drudging through an absurdly tedious 352 pages of narcissistic drivel, now I know that I imbued more credit to Cohen than he rightfully deserves (though my expectations weren’t high for this book).  Cohen meagerly attempts Warholian observation, but the total lack of insight makes his diary read like a glorified to-do list.  A better title might have been The Andy Cohen Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shallow Queen.  Cohen name drops to the point of disorientation failing to provide the reader with even a last name or crumb of context.  Half the time I’m like who the fuck are you talking about, but I never bother to dig very deeply because it’s not even like there’s a morsel of noteworthy gossip to geek out on.  Cohen adopted a dog, Wacha, and like many first-time dog owners is obsessed with his canine to the point of co-dependency.  He had me considering dog adoption for a minute, but then I talked to this lovely woman who warned me she spent $12,000 on vet bills last year for her adopted golden lab.  Poop in the house and a drain on the savings account, no thanks; I’ll keep my clean carpets and compound interest.  Back to the scathing review.  Is there a Razzie equivalent for shitty books?  If so, I nominate The Andy Cohen Diaries for worst book of the year. ANDY COHEN MOWS

Bethenny’s Back at Bravo

BETHENNY AND ANDY COHENIn a last ditch effort to save the franchise, Bravo dug deep into their pockets to lure Bethenny Frankel back to the NYC Housewives next season.  Ugh.  Too little, too late, Bravo.  I have layered distaste for this desperate decision.  Yes, I do believe this stunt casting will temporarily spike the ratings, but after last season’s toilet ratings it would be hard to do worse.  Ramona’s implausible deniablility regarding the implosion of her marriage paired with that new basic blonde bitch made for a dud of a season.RAMONA

When it comes to Bethenny, what haven’t we seen her do?  We’ve watched her destroy friendships for fame, strike it rich, birth her daughter, exploit her marriage for ratings, divorce, and engage in a protracted nasty custody battle.  What do we have to look forward to?  Bethenny and her once-accused-rapist boyfriend walking hand and hand with little Bryn?  That should go over well.BETHENY MICHAEL BRYN

The main difference between the old Bethenny and new Bethenny is net worth.  Bethenny recounts that when she began with RHNY she was teetering towards broke.  Now she sitting on a pile of money looking down at everyone else.  This should create the most interesting shift in the dynamics among the women.  Filthy rich Bethenny has no reason to give a fuck about offending anyone.  I expect a deluge of snide criticism.  She doesn’t need the approval or allegiance of her castmates.  Her wealth keeps her good company.BETHENNY FRANKEL RICH

Rejoining an ensemble cast after a failed talkshow isn’t exactly a propulsive career move.  This is a woman who clearly wants her mug on the blogs whatever the cost to her dignity.  Apparently, it’s gotta be fame and fortune for Mizz Frankel.  It’s rumored one of the contingencies of Frankel agreeing to return was a no-Zarin clause which is unfortunate since Jill’s the only Housewife that could prove a worthy adversary to her former friend.

JILL ZARIN

 

the sentencing

TERESA AND JOE GIUDICEWhat do you think of the sentences handed down to Joe and Teresa Giudice?  I’m not a fan of stupidity, so I’ve never much cared for those two tacky trolls, but to envision Teresa attempting to flip a bolted-down table in a federal penitentiary is almost unimaginable.  As predicted, the judge set their sentences, 15 months for Teresa and 41 months for Joe, to run one after another so a parent is always home with girls.  Their eldest daughter Gia is 14, she’ll be out of high school and off to college (or the stripper pole) before her parents are done with their tag-team incarceration.  For the next 5 years, the girls will be living with one parent while the other parent is in prison.  That’s fucked.  At least Teresa’s well-prepared.  Could any other show better train you for the clink than The Real Housewives of New Jersey?  Even though her bitch-fighting skills may be well-honed, I still recommend she perfect her jailhouse Fabellini recipe before (to quote Apollo Nida) going “asunder.”  TERESA GIUDICE FABELLINIAs for that little meatball Joe, I’m concerned for him and his ability to stomach prison.JOE GIUDICEDo you think these two will stay married through the dark days?  I believe they will.  When you are in the shit that deep with someone, how do you leave?  Conversely, some gossips are saying Joe threw Teresa under the bus and that their marriage is destroyed.  TERESA AND JOE WEDDINGAs for the future of the Real Housewives of New Jersey franchise, do you think the shamelessly desperate-for-ratings Andy Cohen will march Dina Manzo down to the prison for a little OITNB visitation moment?  I’m simultaneously disgusted and interested in such a notion, and that makes me feel a little dirty.  In preparation for her on-air visit, I visualize Teresa swarmed by a makeshift jailhouse glam squad attempting to thread her eyebrows with an unraveling sheet, affix her hair with Jolly Rancher hairspray, and lacquer her lips with Kool-Aid.TERESA MAKEUPAllegedly, Bravo has stalled filming the reunion until the sentences were handed down.  This strategy has understandably created some hostility.  In addition, there’s been talk of a contractually obligated first interview on Watch What Happens Live.  It’s Shakespearean that the very network that created the stars will be the same one to exploit and profit from all the gory details of their undoing.   GIUDICES WWHL

Bad Bethenny

BETHENNY PREMIEREI watched it all of twice, so I’m totally entitled and confident in stating that Bethenny’s talk show is unequivocally bad.  She kicked off her premiere nation-wide launch by swishing, clapping, and lip-synching her own theme song.  This went on for a good 2 minutes of awkward.  Then she launched into an intro monologue comprised of a series of self-empowerment clichés strung together – Pay it forward! – We shall overcome!  This from a woman who got her start bitchfighting with other women on cable tv.  Throughout the self-centered litany, she peppered “it’s not about me” in an obvious attempt to persuade herself and the audience that the show entitled Bethenny was not about her.  (Bitch Please, when you were on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen the magic word was “I” and you narcissistic bitches said it 89 times!)  Then Mizz Frankel closed out the introduction with a pathetic and unnecessary update on her messy divorce.BETHENNY OPENING MOMENTBethenny seems to think that 10 am dick talk is somehow fresh and irreverent.  The truth is the traditional talk show format feels deeply antiquated.  Bethenny fails to offer anything novel that we haven’t seen before on episodes of her flash-in-the pan predecessors.BETHENNY MAN PANELLike Rachel Ray in her nascent hosting days, Bethenny hasn’t quite figured out that she doesn’t need to yell through the whole program.  Her voice is as nasally, shrill, and annoying as ever and the shouting only serves to amplify her worst vocal qualities.  Nails on a chalkboard would be a welcome release.  It is obvious why network higher-ups were allegedly concerned about her likability.SHRILL BETHENNYBethenny mingles with her well-coached adoring “fans” seated strategically in the audience.  She manically lunges at them with mic in hand and serves out advice to her Skinnygirl disciples through a stretched face smile-sneer.BETHENNY FRANKEL SMILE SNEERPhysically, Bethenny looks better than she ever has.  She wears the gloss of luck rather well.  Though she’s currently in the midst of a huge opportunity where she must prove herself publicly, and therefore carries herself with a great deal of self-awareness.  Bethenny’s martini glass appears to be brimming with good fortune, but when observing her cup of plenty there is an undeniable rim of sadness around the boozestress that not even a top-notch lighting crew can disguise.BETHENNY SAD, BUT AIRBRUSHED

 

Hasbeen Housewives

SO MANY HOUSEWIVESWe all know that the Housewives are so over and aren’t worth even minimal fleeting discussion.  Yet, I do think we need to pause to highlight a couple of what-the-fuck moments that transpired during the most recent season of Orange County.GRETCHEN AND SLADE PROPOSALDid Gretchen really propose to Slade?!  Fuck that was embarrassing.  In case you missed it, Gretchen dressed up like the brokedown Fredrick’s of Hollywood version of Marilyn Monroe.  She recorded a tone-deaf love song and surprised Slade with it at his new job playing on-air bully at the radio station.  As she moaned through the off-key ballad, Slade listened intently and realized somewhere half-way through that this warbling mess was his lady-love.  Gretchen lured him to the top of the tallest building in Orange County (10 stories tops) where a helicopter delivered him in a windy swirl of douchedom.  Maybe these two are meant for each other, because his douchery can only be matched by her saccharin fake-barbie doll pageant princess bullshit.  This is a 35 year old woman who clearly has no shame.  Even though Slade has been in more Housewives than breast implants, is ten years her senior, loaded with a mountain of debt, and is widely ridiculed as acting like a little bitch among a whole cast of professional bitches, Gretchen launched into her prepared soliloquy.  The awkward display felt all wrong.  You know it’s bad when Slade takes a knee to accept the proposal.  Shit was all fucked up in this ass-backwards drag engagement.  I personally would never propose to a man.  If he wants to marry you, he’ll ask.  If a woman must ask, I urge her not to recapitulate some well-worn scenario where only the gender roles are switched à la Gretchen and Slade.  There is something so undignified about begging a man to be with you.  Let’s not even get into the stupidity of marrying a man saddled with Slade-caliber life-long debt.  Now that the marriage is on, we can only pray that these two don’t reproduce the vainest, shallowest, most vapid offspring Orange County has ever seen.FUCKED UP PROPOSAL

RYAN ASSHOLEBriana’s husband Ryan demonstrated he is an aggro marine asshole who needs his ass whupped, preferably by affable Uncle BillyRyan is the young version of the closeted abusive military monster dad from American Beauty.  In my experience, people wound that tightly usually end up perpetrating violence.  Did you hear the way he spoke to Lydia’s fairy-dusting stoner Mom?  Then, did you hear how he straight-up lied about it?  Hey moron, you are wearing a mic pack.  Unfortunately in her misguided attempt to rebel against her mother’s tyrannical control, it appears Briana married a dumb asshole with integrity issues.  May he remain indefinitely deployed.  AGRO RYANFinal thought of the day: Andy Cohen is to Bravo what Ryan Seacrest is to E!SAME PERSON DIFFERENT NETWORK

Sunday Birthday Party

CORNEL WESTCornel WestFABRIZIO MORETTIFabrizio MorettiANDY COHENAndy CohenLEELA JAMESLeela JamesZACHARY QUINTOZachary QuintoMORENA BACCARINMorena BaccarinJO KOYJo Koy

Sunday with Gabby Sidibe

Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis

I gave it two episodes, but Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis spun off in the wrong direction.  The premise: Jeff, Jenni, and occasionally Zoila move in with a family and rework one room of their house.  Seems promising right?  Yeah, in execution the dynamic just isn’t working. Of course Jeff serves moments of anal-retentive kookiness, but without the whole gang – pets, servants, sycophants, and deviants all shacked up together in a recently renovated flip, this incarnation lacks the drama and heart of the original.  I want to blame this disappointing dud on that creepy Svengali boyfriend Gage, but I know Andy Cohen is the real culprit.

RHNY: C’est Peaked

Let’s just acknowledge what is blatantly obvious: this sad run sucked from premiere to finale.  Without a central conflict or sincere connections between the ladies, RHNY suffered from RHOC syndrome this season.  Symptoms include ubiquitous fakery, forced scenes, and contrived melodrama. God bless a snotty gay.  Alex showed up for her first paid editorial for The Block.  After listing a string of third tier shows she walked in during fashion week, James the requisite homo elitist, subtly shamed her by repeating, “Perfect then, Perfect then,” in a bored and disdainful tone.  Who can blame him?  Alex’s total lack of self-awareness, paired with her whiny pageant dad Simon, makes her an unbelievably easy target for criticism.  BTW Simon, revealing your wife was chosen 3rd on US Weekly’s worst dressed list isn’t something to brag about in a room of fashion folk.  Though she did live up to the title later in the episode by wearing this utterly fug pink double-breasted short suit.Bravo aired teasers for the finale all week that hinted at a change-of-life baby for Ramona.  The preview giveaways meant to build excitement were dubious since everyone is well aware that at 55, the only change of life happening to Ramona is the retirement of her ovaries.  Bravo’s last ditch effort to salvage the season with engineered baby drama smacks of desperation.In another red-herring subplot, LuAnn and Jacques invited the whole crew to a celebration of their one year anniversary.  The fiesta was held on a boat ironically destined to sail around the Statute of Liberty, a monument presented to America by the Count’s ancestors, as Ramona pointedly reminded us in her personal interview segment.Once on board, Ramona pretended to break the potential pregnancy news to Mario.  Then she and Sonja flitted off to the “head” like two leopard-clad sorority sisters with an eightball.  Sonja conveniently supplied the EPT (how much did they pay for that product placement?), and Ramona supplied the urine.Sensible Jill (relatively speaking) immediately called bullshit and didn’t hesitate to introduce the more obvious explanation of menopause to account for Ramona’s cyclical irregularity.For some unbeknownst reason (did Cohen offer her a kidney?), Natalie Cole agreed to make a cameo and sing a duet with LuAnn.  Fake-ass LuAnn wouldn’t know Natalie Cole from Natalie Merchant, but she pretended to fawn all over the singer when initially introduced by her opportunistic producer.Natalie sang decent, LuAnn sounded nervously pitchy, and Simon looked downright bitchy during the performance.While Jill was hoping for the party to culminate in an engagement announcement, the limp-dick gathering just petered out without any big reveals from either LuAnn or Ramona.If you are attached to this group of ladies, don’t miss the reunion next week.  Chances are it will be the last time you see this ensemble on Cohen’s confrontational couches.  This pathetic excuse for a season proved the NYC franchise is begging to be recast.  At this point, any change would serve as a welcomed improvement.