Home > Angelina Jolie
By now, you’ve surely heard that Brad and Angie are engaged. How boring, predictable, and smacking of PR strategy. No one has forgotten that stupid leg Angelina, no one. Nor that neither of you make movies I actually want to see anymore.It wasn’t even a year ago Brad was on the Ellen DeGeneres show proclaiming with nobility how he wouldn’t marry until the gays could.
What about the gays Brad? What about the gays!?
Blaming the kids, the couple abandoned their support of those denied the opportunity. Kids want a lot of things – chocolate, toys, attention. Wait five minutes and they’ll want something new. Really shitty to abandon the gays. Really shitty indeed. Here’s the ring, since that’s all some of you bitches care about. No judgment, I was curious too. I’m almost too distracted by the freaky, vein-snaggled claw to even notice the ring.
The Best: Emma Stone in Giambattista Valli
This gorgeous gown fit her body perfectly, accentuated her tiny waist, and stood out in a sea of mediocrity. Don’t love the accessories, but I’m not in the mood to quibble.
You Saw It Here First: Shailene Woodley in Valentino Couture
Fresh from the couture collections, Shailene Woodley wore this modern, white, long-sleeved number. It might look familiar since we featured it as part of the best of Fall 2012 Couture earlier this month. It’s a little old for her, and her face would benefit from a pop of color, but not a flop by any means.
Most Confusing: Viola Davis in Vera Wang
This looks like the homicide of Puff the Magic Dragon. A full-on unmitigated lapse in aesthetic judgment.
Fulfilled Potential: Tina Fey in Carolina Herrera
We’ve all been waiting for Tina Fey to step out looking this good. Finally, she’s really come into her own in this navy peplum-detailed gown.
Evoking a Cult Leader: Gwyneth Paltrow in Tom Ford
I’m not saying I don’t like this, but she’s delivering a whole lot of white here. Can’t you picture her standing at a podium condescendingly addressing an arena full of Goopies in this odd get-up? “Follow me, affluent women, to the land of organic peas…”
Most Offensive Overtry: Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad
Nude illusion Fruit Stripe Gum.
Culmination of a Bad Fashion Awards Season Run: Jessica Chastain
Fashion-wise, Chastain hasn’t found her identity. Her style choices were as varied and uneven as her performances this year. It looks like she skinned Kimora Lee’s sofa. Let this be a lesson – McQueen is not for everyone.
Let Me Upgrade You: Clooney in Armani, Keibler in Marchesa
Clooney’s clout ensures his girls-of-the-moment have access to all the best fashion houses and some very high-end clothes, but even in all their borrowed sartorial finery, his dates still look like they should be holding cards above their heads in the middle of a wrestling ring.
Most Predictable: Pitt in Tom Ford and Jolie in Versace Atelier
I’m so bored with these two. Oh, how fucking shocking you two bitches showed up in black. Close your legs dear, you’re not dancing the can-can. Ever since I heard that thing she said to him at the Globes, I’ve kinda hated them. She turned to him and said “you’re prettier than me.” Fucking voms yo.
The Bridesmaids: Kristin Wiig in J. Mendel
While the bodice of this dress is tailored beautifully for her body, the placement of the break into the texture is awkward and unflattering.
Melissa McCarthy in Marina Rinaldi
Are we calling this mauve? I’m pretty sure we issued a fatwa on mauve at the end of the 80′s.
Maya Rudolph in Johanna Johnson
Here’s one of the few purple looks of the night. It’s a safe, conservative, and unoffensive choice. The side-swept hair is very Mariah.
Building Relationships Pays Off: Octavia Spencer in Tadashi Shoji
After favorable reviews from fashion folk for her Globes look, Octavia went back to Tadashi Shoji for her Oscar gown. Clearly, cultivating that relationship has paid off; the designer knows her body and the fit is beautiful. Second best of the night.
Dress I wanna like, but Don’t: Cameron Diaz in Gucci
I really want to like this Gucci gown, but I don’t. She needs a waist and this dress gives her no shape through the torso. It reminds me of a melting chocolate and vanilla soft-serve twist cone.
Consistently Wasted Potential: Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton
This dress is too fussy, ill-fitting, and heavy for such a delicate wisp of a girl. This ensemble ain’t right – the necklace, the bag (and I get where they are going with the clash, but here, no), and that gawd awful frump of a saloon-girl-gone-wrong disaster of a frock.
Sure to be Critically Eviscerated: Rooney Mara in Givenchy
No one will get this. Even if they did, the cut isn’t flattering to her body. If you do avant-garde, you have to do it impeccably.
Post-baby Blah: Natalie Portman in vintage Dior
She gave birth to a new era of shitty style.
Two A-List Underwhelmers: Sandra Bullock in Marchesa and Penelope Cruz in Giorgio Armani.
Sandra’s dress isn’t doing her body any favors. Is a gold shrub trying to munch her bush? WTF? Pene, you are almost forty, enough with the princess shit. Join us in 2012.
Jolie served in Atelier Versace. She turned it out to pimp her directorial debut. Don’t love the shoes, but when she tries even a little she easily steals the show.
The most improved nod goes to Heidi Klum in Calvin Klein Collection, who usually shows up to these events looking wildly out of place and heinously attired. Mila Kunis looked bored and made this one-strap Christian Dior boring too. She can do better, but can’t seem to shake this recent ugly frock streak. Let’s get the brides out of the way. First, Jessica Chastain arrived in an ill-fitting Givenchy. In recent awards seasons, Givenchy seems to lend out dresses willy-nilly and doesn’t bother to make sure they are tailored correctly. For as many style successes as they have, they have an equal number of fashion failures. Kate Beckinsale always brings the over-try, sponsored here by Roberto Cavalli and accompanied by Len Wiseman.Jessica Biel wore a matrimonial Elie Saab, obviously unable to stifle her wedding enthusiasm. Sofia Vergara showed us the source of the Nile in Vera Wang. Sarah Michelle Gellar drowned in a big blue and white tie-dyed Monique L’huillier. Best grown women: Downton Abbey’s Elizabeth McGovern, Diane Lane and Madge both in Reem Acra.Vivienne Westwood dressed Andrea Riseborough who stars in Madonna’s movie W.E.The gorgeous Gucci girls = Salma Hayek and Evan Rachel Wood.God bless Melissa McCarthy; she tried in Badgley Mischka. Take a cue from Octavia Spencer who looked incredible in a light lavender Tadashi Shoji. Modern Family’s Ariel Winter looks all grown up in Dolce & Gabbana. Shailene Woodley chose a lovely Marchesa gown, but unfortunately paired it with bad posture. Claire Danes deviated from her usual favorites Calvin Klein and Narciso Rodriquez in favor of this embellish-backed J. Mendel number. I’m ambivalent – love the back, hate the front. Michelle Williams wore Jason Wu. She should stick to Prada or Miu Miu. Is that burned out velvet? Emma Stone also failed to impress in a mediocre Lanvin gown. Frieda Pinto wore lapis Prada and it won’t be everyone’s favorite, but I think she’s lovely. Juliana Marguilies also chose a bold color statement with this sleek eggplant Naeem Khan.Laura Dern sparkled in an emerald Andrew Gn gown.Did you get the memo that Reese is reinventing herself as sexy? Zac Posen painted her red and gave her hips. Nicole Richie is quickly morphing into a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. At first, I loved this Julien MacDonald metallic dress, but the more I look at it, the less excited I am, especially over that messy hem. Where have you been Natalie? We’ve barely seen you since you gave birth. Weird dress by Lanvin. Madeleine Stowe celebrated her career revival in Vera Wang. Charlize Theron is like awards show pizza; even when she’s bad she’s not that bad, and here she’s pretty decent in Dior Couture. If only she could wipe that smug-ass look off her (recently tweaked?) face.
Best of the night, Anne Hathaway in a modern fashion-forward Armani Privé gown (featured here in best gowns of Fall 2010 waaaay back in August).
Worst of the night, Heidi Klum in Marc Jacobs serving Neapolitan nausea.
Calvin Klein Collection provided intense color and clean lines resulting in two of the most refreshing looks of the evening – Emma Stone and Claire Danes. The two biggest disappointments were Jennifer Lawrence in Louis Vuitton and Scarlett Johansson in Elie Saab. These were not the most offensive gowns of the evening, but neither selection does its wearer justice. Since this was one of Scarjo’s first appearances post-divorce announcement, her failure to turn it out is really inexcusable. More than ever, these mega-gowns feel really antiquated. Catherine Zeta-Jones goes to prom in Monique L’huillier…
Pretty pink princess Lea Michele joins her in Oscar de la Renta…
Eva Longoria looks like she’s dragging her grief behind her in this Zac Posen. Who invited Hewitt?
From the washed-up diva collection, Zuhair Murad dressed both Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez. Awkward and abysmal asymmetry abounded; unfortch, no one executed this look correctly.
Julie Bowen in Tadashi Shoji - we want so much more for you Claire.
Julianne Moore tried her best to work a Lanvin dress that was in desperate need of a good steam. Nicole Kidman bored us in Prada.Granny gown girls: Leighton Meester misfired again in Burberry and Michelle Williams continues her defiantly unappealing streak in Valentino. The two most overrated? Sophia Vergara in Vera loves-a-sash Wang and Angelina Jolie in Versace. Hey Angie, Joan Collins called and demanded you return her gown. The most stylish and appropriately dressed youngin’ was Hailee Steinfeld in Prabal Gurung. Sarah Hyland could have used some guidance away from this fug Max Azria. Many folks will criticize Natalie Portman’s Viktor & Rolf gown, but who can be mad at this feminine display of whimsy? Olivia Wilde deviated from the crowd with this full-skirted, sparkly, starry night Marchesa gown.
The titty committee, January Jones in Versace and Halle Berry in Nina Ricci. The Glee girls gave good gownage.
Single-note strong colors adorn Kyra Sedgwick in Emilio Pucci and Elisabeth Moss in Donna Karan.
Most random? A heavy-banged Sandra Bullock in Jenny Packham.
Truthfully, since Angelina and Brad have gotten together neither of them have made movies worth seeing. Brad’s on his anti-sex-symbol-legitimate-actor trajectory, and Angie keeps churning out the same mindless action movies. Instead of plunking down dough for Angelina’s latest recapitulated offering, why not revisit some of her more worthwhile work? Like Gia, Jolie’s award-winning, seminal portrayal of a rebellious, drug-addicted supermodel. It is easy to resent Angelina’s recent, lazy, phoned-in, performances when compared to her authentic embodiment of the complex and unpredictable Gia Carangi.
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