Mehran visited Old McDermott’s mini-farm and finally articulated what we’ve all been wondering.  What is the deal with the indoor/outdoor livestock? Do they really think they are going to recreate the Beekman in Encino?  Bitch please.  Do guests just politely pretend her house doesn’t smell like animal feces?Tori countered Mehran’s inquiry by explaining she wanted the kids to grow up around animals.  She doesn’t quite seem to grasp that goats aren’t lap pets – especially when you are four months pregnant. Tori hosted a meeting with HSN product-pusher Pulsar.  During the presentation, Totes McGoats nibbled on the mood boards.  This leads us to Tori’s career lark of the week: parties in a box.  Is anyone else surprised that last week Tori covered the Royal Wedding and this week she’s trying to launch the same business model that made the Middletons their millions?  Tori moves forward with these inane ideas without any sense of self-awareness.  Evidently, no one has the heart to tell her that she lacks the experience, follow through, and commitment to launch any of these half-cocked notions into successful ventures. In a blatant cross-promotional bonanza, Patti Stanger appeared under the pretense of matching Mehran.  Tori and Patti sifted through the best of the very limited pool of potential dates and invited them to a mixer.   From there, Mehran chose two guys to meet one-on-one for cocktails.  Mehran conveniently chose the same location for drinks as the surprise baby shower that he and Tori planned for InvenTori manager Sally Smoody.  Tori and Sally wore conspicuously large hats, and Tori waived her cell phone around wildly as part of the most non-stealth spy mission ever attempted. Tori escorted Sally upstairs and “surprised” her with her shower, which was actually just a huge product placement for her gay husbands’ baby PR firm and her party planning book.  Tori orchestrated a seance for her 38th birthday.  Guests, including Jeff Lewis, came dressed as their favorite horror movie characters.  Tori dressed as Mia Farrow from Rosemary’s Baby, Mehran chose Damien from The Omen, and the one costume that will haunt me in my nightmares: Liam channeled Chucky.  

This week on Tori & Dean the focus returned to a troubled Inventori, a space Tori opened to hock her personal hoarder stash to the unsuspecting public at an exorbitant markup.  Even though neither has any experience running a retail store, they are surprised to hear from staff that the store is struggling. Tori admitted she didn’t actually have any GD clue where shop owners procure inventory for their stores.  Scout offered up an antique fair in Texas as a possibility.  Tori’s inexperience underscores her complete and total lack of basic qualifications for owning a store that purports to sell antiques.  Are these legit antiques or just a bunch of old tacky shit?  On the basis of that hideous painted armoire in the background alone, I’m inclined to say the latter.Even though the whole point of the Inventori endeavor is to clear years-worth of accumulated possessions, rather than lower the prices to actually move some of the merch, Tori decides to restock the store with less sentimental items from the Texas antique fair.  It doesn’t occur to Tori that the antique dealers at this antique fair are reselling at retail not wholesale prices, so she donned the world’s ugliest caftan and got the whole gang on board for a jaunt down south.Oh yeah, and Patsy’s back.  If you are trying to hide your pregnancy why would you invite your baby nurse for a visit?Big fucking surprise, once Tori got down to the antique extravaganza she realized that most items carried an inflated price which didn’t leave much room for profit margin upon resale, even in L.A.  The first day was a total bust.  Dean harvested some intel and found out all the good stuff gets scooped up by local early birds.  Fucking early birds.Later after stuffing dead animals covered in BBQ sauce in their pie holes, James, Scout, and Dean insisted on riding a mechanical bull.  James obviously had quite a bit more riding experience than the other two, because he’s the only one that dismounted feet not head first.The next day, the gang went on a buying spree.  Tori even leveraged her star power to score a golf cart.  Iron bed frames, wing-backed chairs, a sweet long wooden table, and several odd tables are just a few of the items Tori selected for the truck headed back to L.A.Even though the last thing the McDermott residence needs is another feces contributor, Dean brought a baby pygmy goat and baby white fluffy chicken to join the other indoor barnyard animals.  Baby animals are delightful and all, but goats and chickens in the house?  That can’t be sanitary.When the truck arrived from Texas, Tori unloaded all the new purchases and presumably took the furniture she was actually trying to sell back to expensive storage.Serving her best poor woman’s Lucille Ball, Tori rolled around in her closet pretending to wrangle with Spanx.  When the girdle bested her, she turned to an unattractive babydoll dress and rubber rain boots which did nothing to detract from pregnancy speculation.  All the fuss was over the Fabulous Beekman boys who came to town to do an in-store cross-promo moment at Inventori.  Goat soap for everyone.